Wedding Party

Need help coping with my best friend turning me down

13

Re: Need help coping with my best friend turning me down

  • cambryncambryn member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    Viczaesar said:
    cambryn said:

    I agree- bridesmaids should only have to show up on time, be happy, be sober and in the dress- but more is usually expected of them by others (and much of the time by themselves.)
    People expecting things from you =/= duties.
    I agree- those aren't the duties- but expectations seem to get thrown in there and people assume it's part of the 'duties' regardless.

    I think, on these boards especially, there is a stricter definition of duties vs expectations than the average person would use. Look at pinterest for ghastly examples of 'your duties' type of hoopla that is well beyond the scope of what we define as the actual duties of a bridesmaid.
  • edited October 2014
    It does suck for sure and I totally understand where you're coming from. However, would it have been worse if she had said that she would stay in the wedding party and then put forth no effort at all because her heart wasn't really in it? Trust me. It would. I recently had to ask my Maid of Honor to step down for that very reason. Her health wasn't great, her finances weren't either, and she just didn't have the time or the energy to contribute. Not to mention, before she got sick everything she promised to do, as far as fulfilling her duties as Maid of Honor went, she never did. (Duties: getting her dress, getting it altered in time, shoes, making her hair appointment, et cetera, planning my bridal shower and bachelorette party, aaaaaaaaaand that's about it. Not a long list and by no means, anywhere outside the realm of what's normally expected from a Maid of Honor.) Her heart just wasn't in it. It was like, she wanted the title but she didn't want the responsibility. So it was unfortunate but very much time for her to go.

    Anyway, that's another story. It's ok to feel let down, pissed off, wallowy about it. Go ahead and give yourself a little time to process it. But you know what? In the coming months, you're going to get SO busy planning your wedding that pretty soon that her absence really won't affect you as much as you think it will. I'm 12 days away from mine and while it does suck that there's one person who isn't really going to be a part of it, that's not really something I can stop and worry about right now. Too much to do. You'll see. Everything will be ok. Just keep your head up and remember. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!! Congrats!!!!! Best of luck! ;)
    hugsy76103
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It does suck for sure and I totally understand where you're coming from. However, would it have been worse if she had said that she would stay in the wedding party and then put forth no effort at all because her heart wasn't really in it? Trust me. It would. I recently had to ask my Maid of Honor to step down for that very reason. Her health wasn't great, her finances weren't either, and she just didn't have the time or the energy to contribute. Not to mention, before she got sick everything she promised to do, as far as fulfilling her duties as Maid of Honor went, she never did. (Duties: getting her dress, getting it altered in time, shoes, making her hair appointment, et cetera, planning my bridal shower and bachelorette party, aaaaaaaaaand that's about it. Not a long list and by no means, anywhere outside the realm of what's normally expected from a Maid of Honor.) Her heart just wasn't in it. It was like, she wanted the title but she didn't want the responsibility. So it was unfortunate but very much time for her to go.

    Anyway, that's another story. It's ok to feel let down, pissed off, wallowy about it. Go ahead and give yourself a little time to process it. But you know what? In the coming months, you're going to get SO busy planning your wedding that pretty soon that her absence really won't affect you as much as you think it will. I'm 12 days away from mine and while it does suck that there's one person who isn't really going to be a part of it, that's not really something I can stop and worry about right now. Too much to do. You'll see. Everything will be ok. Just keep your head up and remember. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!! Congrats!!!!! Best of luck! ;)
    @ShortMama234, let me get this straight ... your (former) MOH was dealing with being sick and had financial troubles.  She couldn't do for YOU what YOU needed, so you kicked her to the curb?

    BTW, planning a bridal shower & bachelorette party are NOT "duties" of anyone. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • edited October 2014
    Honestly, I told her while she was in the hospital that I really wanted her to focus on her health because that was more important to me than her overextending herself to be in the wedding. It sucked to do it and I hated it but I care more about her than I do myself. That's the top reason why I asked her to step down. The other stuff I could deal with. (And she took on the duty of planning the bridal shower and bachelorette party months before she fell ill. That was going to be her thing. She never got it off the ground.) Look, some things just don't work out. That's life.

    But anyway, like I said, whole different story and there's a lot more to it than you know. So the bottom line is this. There's more than one way to be there for someone. I'm sure if your friend can make it to your wedding, she's darn sure going to try. Glad you got to wallow. Maybe see if there isn't some way that she can still be included. Maybe she could deliver a speech at your reception or something. There's always a way to include the important people even if they aren't in the wedding party. :)
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Honestly, I told her while she was in the hospital that I really wanted her to focus on her health because that was more important to me than her overextending herself to be in the wedding. It sucked to do it and I hated it but I care more about her than I do myself. That's the top reason why I asked her to step down. The other stuff I could deal with. (And she took on the duty of planning the bridal shower and bachelorette party months before she fell ill. That was going to be her thing. She never got it off the ground.) Look, some things just don't work out. That's life.

    But anyway, like I said, whole different story and there's a lot more to it than you know. So the bottom line is this. There's more than one way to be there for someone. I'm sure if your friend can make it to your wedding, she's darn sure going to try. Glad you got to wallow. Maybe see if there isn't some way that she can still be included. Maybe she could deliver a speech at your reception or something. There's always a way to include the important people even if they aren't in the wedding party. :)
    If my MOH was in the hospital during my engagement, that wouldn't keep me from having her stand by my side on my wedding day. 
    [Deleted User]southernbelle0915
  • edited October 2014
    Two different people, two different ways of thinking. Doesn't mean I love her any less. I'll always love her. However, now is the time for her to focus on herself and getting better.

    So I do believe that the situation has been remedied for the lady who first posed the question. Glad to hear it. You all have a lovely day! :)
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Two different people, two different ways of thinking. Doesn't mean I love her any less. I'll always love her. However, now is the time for her to focus on herself and getting better.

    So I do believe that the situation has been remedied for the lady who first posed the question. Glad to hear it. You all have a lovely day! :)

    No. You just never ask someone to step down unless you're willing for them to be very rightfully upset and offended with you. You tell her that there's nothing at all you need for her to do except be with you as you get married, and IT'S HER DECISION if she feels she's too sick even to manage that and you would understand.

    Making decisions for people on their behalf rarely goes over well. She's an adult and could have decided for herself if she was up for standing with you on your wedding day, which should have been the only reason you asked her to be in your wedding party. If you're worried that she'd still have felt guilty and pressured to make a lot of extra things happen on your behalf, that's why you should have made it very clear that you don't have crazy expectations for her as a bridal party member.

    [Deleted User]Viczaesarsouthernbelle0915PrettyGirlLost
  • Misspinxie18, I'm talking to you on this one. Maybe it really is better to find out these things early on. At least she was honest with you. That's really important in a friendship. Things happen, and it's going to be ok. Besides as far as your friend goes, there's more than one way to be there for someone, and I'm sure that your friend will find a way to do just that for you! No worries. Best of luck on planning your wedding, dear. I hope that it's wonderful. :)
    hugsy76103
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Misspinxie18, I'm talking to you on this one. Maybe it really is better to find out these things early on. At least she was honest with you. That's really important in a friendship. Things happen, and it's going to be ok. Besides as far as your friend goes, there's more than one way to be there for someone, and I'm sure that your friend will find a way to do just that for you! No worries. Best of luck on planning your wedding, dear. I hope that it's wonderful. :)
    You do realize that the rest of us can still read this, right? 
    levioosasouthernbelle0915PrettyGirlLost
  • Whatever. I never said I was upset about that. I was upset about the fact that she was sick, and all I cared about was her recovery. I didn't think being in a wedding would help with that so I asked her to step down and told her that I loved her and wanted her to get better. You know what? I'm not going to sit here and argue this with any of you. It's like you're looking to get a rise out of people, and that's completely unnecessary. Misspinxie, best of luck to you. I really do hope that your wedding and marriage are everything you could have ever dreamed of.
    hugsy76103
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Whatever. I never said I was upset about that. I was upset about the fact that she was sick, and all I cared about was her recovery. I didn't think being in a wedding would help with that so I asked her to step down gave her the option to step down if she felt that standing up in the wedding would be too much for her and told her that I loved her and wanted her to get better. You know what? I'm not going to sit here and argue this with any of you. It's like you're looking to get a rise out of people, and that's completely unnecessary. Misspinxie, best of luck to you. I really do hope that your wedding and marriage are everything you could have ever dreamed of.
    FTFY but too late. You did almost everything right... just except that. I know you are trying to care about your friend, but taking the decisions which should be hers into your own hands makes you sound like a control freak, which is often where girls go bridezilla.
    holyguacamole79
  • Well thank you for not attacking me on that. I appreciate it. I'm not a bad person or a shitty friend. I tried to put someone else's needs ahead of my own. Best intentions. That sort of thing. I did ask her very nicely to step down and was crying the whole time with her because the entire situation was killing the both of us. It sucked but I think she knew it was coming what, with everything she had going on. Was I upset? Yes, but not at her. I was more upset because she was in the hospital with some very scary things happening to her that the doctors couldn't figure out. I just want her to get better. We both said I love you and that was that. Sometimes there are situations that pop up where you really don't know what the hell to do, and you just deal with it the best way you know how. She knew what I was doing when I asked her to step down, and she knew that I was doing it because I cared about her well-being. I felt terrible about it, and it won't be the same without her. But her health is more important to me.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    BTW @ShortMama234, I'm not trying to follow you around the board to call you out. What you did has been done, and I hope that your friend gets better and the two of your remain close. I'm posting about it when I see it, so that other girls who are just lurking and will read later don't get the idea that asking BP members to step down is a good idea.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well thank you for not attacking me on that. I appreciate it. I'm not a bad person or a shitty friend. I tried to put someone else's needs ahead of my own. Best intentions. That sort of thing. I did ask her very nicely to step down and was crying the whole time with her because the entire situation was killing the both of us. It sucked but I think she knew it was coming what, with everything she had going on. Was I upset? Yes, but not at her. I was more upset because she was in the hospital with some very scary things happening to her that the doctors couldn't figure out. I just want her to get better. We both said I love you and that was that. Sometimes there are situations that pop up where you really don't know what the hell to do, and you just deal with it the best way you know how. She knew what I was doing when I asked her to step down, and she knew that I was doing it because I cared about her well-being. I felt terrible about it, and it won't be the same without her. But her health is more important to me.
    I'm genuinely curious ... is she in such a state where she can't physically attend your wedding, walk down the aisle, and stand by you? 
  • edited October 2014
    Anyway, this has been a trip. This has been a great website for me in terms of planning our wedding. I love the tips and tricks for this and that. Today was actually my first day checking out the forums. Had a little free time and wanted to see what it was all about. It's definitely different. Ok bye!

    Ohhh, and have a good day! Monday's almost over. :)
  • That would be correct. She was in the hospital for over a week. Went in there throwing up blood, which was awful and scary and unimaginable. They're still not quite certain what's wrong with her, and she's not out of the woods yet. Doctors said rest. She's been very weak and has no energy.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That would be correct. She was in the hospital for over a week. Went in there throwing up blood, which was awful and scary and unimaginable. They're still not quite certain what's wrong with her, and she's not out of the woods yet. Doctors said rest. She's been very weak and has no energy.
    I hope she gets better soon!
  • Me too. God, me too. That's all I care about. I just want her to be ok. If that makes me a bad friend, then so be it. But I was only trying to put her needs ahead of my own at the point. I hope she gets better.
  • @flantastic ..... is that how you do it? I tried to earlier but thought it wasn't right. Anyway, it's cool. No hard feelings. Some of the stuff that was said I know I deserved. Definitely. Sometimes you're just faced with a pretty impossible situation where you've gotta make a tough decision and you have to be ready to confronted about it. I respect all of your viewpoints. Honestly, I did what I did because I genuinely thought it was the right thing to do for my friend. I was just trying to help her. I ended up breaking her heart in the process, and yeah. And it made me feel like shit because I never want to hurt anybody. But there are more important things going on than our wedding, and I was more concerned about what she's going through. Anyhoo, I commented on all three. The one with the venue really cracked me up, especially the comments. Some of the people on here were really hilarious. I was going, WOW! I think so too. Oh oh! And pink hair. My consensus? That's pretty awesome if you ask me but I'm a rocker chick and so are my friends. I have a friend that dyes her hair this really awesome greenish blue color. More power to her because it looks fantastic and it's so her because she has such an expressive personality. I say, if you can pull off something outrageously cool like that, then go for it. 
  • And no. It is NEVER EVER EVER a good idea to kick someone out of your bridal party. It's extremely painful for everyone involved and it just generally sucks. It's not ok. I'm saying that and I did it. Wouldn't recommend it to anyone else.
  • I'm sorry this happens to you I moved from Pittsburgh PA to California but I'm having my wedding in pa and I haven't been home or seen my friends and I just like you couldn't wait to ask my best friend to be in my wedding and before I could even get out the question she said she can't be in my wedding if a friend of a friend was going to attend,,my mouth dropped,,really your my bestfriend and you won't be in my wedding BC u may not like someone who u think will attend,,well she felt bad after I gave my little are you kidding me speach I said thank you and enjoy your dinner .I didn't care to tell her that the person she was worried about wasn't even invited BC I feel that as a best friend you should be there regardless.but this is your day don't let no one take your sunshine maybe she has financial reasons or what not but I live in Cali and I have friends here that are just attending my wedding we got there air fair for around 360 round trip and got great deals on hotels so I personally don't see no excuse but that's just me I dropped everything to be my best is moh..hope it all works out for you good luck!
    hugsy76103
  • I totally understand where you are coming from. I asked my best friend since middle school to be my MOH and she declined. I was very upset and I held put hope she would change her mind for a few months. But like others have said I still include her in aspects of the wedding, even if it's just inviting her to do things. She will most certainty be invited but she wasn't sure where she would be next year and she has her own life issues so I'm certainly not going to force her. Give yourself some time and trust me it's hard to accept when you have this image of exactly how your wedding was going to look, but it's not the end of the world. My sister stepped up and is now my MOH and i'll just have 3 bridesmaids instead of 4. 
    hugsy76103
  • I know what you are going through.  My best friend since we were in fourth grade said no to me.  She told me her reason was because she had not met my fiance and that she could not stand up for me when she wasn't on board the first time I got married.  This is my second marriage and she had her reservations the first time around. Plus I have moved since my divorce and I think that her having to travel she wouldn't want to do.  So I know what you are going through.  I was so hurt I cried and I didn't know what to say.  So I let it sink in for awhile and after a couple of weeks my fiance told me to call her and talk it out.  So my advice to you is to take your time but in the end invite her just as a guest and hope she will come.  Good Luck
    Viczaesarhugsy76103
  • I guess I'm a little more harsh on this than some.  I feel that if you're someones close friend that being there for them on their big day is part of the job.  If you are in a situation where maybe you can't commit a huge amount of time or money, then you need to say so and be honest.  Then it's up to the bride if she wants to not have you I suppose.  But to just say no when one of your closest friends asks you to stand up with her and support her on her wedding day?  That's not a friend in my book.  If someone asked me and I truly was in a place where I couldn't spend much money or didn't have a bunch of time to help out I would be up front with how much I could help, but I would still of course agree to stand up for her no matter what.  If my not being able to do everything 100% was a deal breaker I would understand, but you do whatever you can when a friend is getting married.  Even if it's not your thing you still do what you can to make her day special because obviously it is HER thing and you care about her.  My MOH doesn't live in the same town as I do and won't be able to do much with me ahead of time, but she'll do what she can and at least be there for the big day.  Man, I just can't imagine being friends with anyone who couldn't suck it up and just wear the dern dress and smile for one day.

    I hope things go better and that you end up with a party that supports you throughout the planning and on the big day!
    hugsy76103
  • taylorcwilsontaylorcwilson member
    First Comment
    edited November 2014
    Essentially the same thing happened to me. She actually told me she didn't want to be one a few months after she accepted. For her, money was a big issue. I already bought her bridesmaid's gifts! At first I was really sad, but then we came up with a plan for her to come out and stay with me for a cheaper weekend and that way we can really have quality time together instead of frantic wedding stuff. I understand her position a lot more now after I took a day or two to think about it. My advice is to act like it doesn't bother you and tell her you understand. If she's really your best friend, you'll work it out!! I'm also just giving her bridesmaid present to her on her birthday instead, so that worked out fine :) 

    I know she had a really really hard time telling me she couldn't make it. I appreciated the fact she called me and told me and suggested a different weekend we could get together. That way she wasn't stressed about my wedding the whole time! Stress can be contagious. 
  • Being a brides maid and doing it more than once and out-of-town is a lot of work and it is financially draining especially in today's economy. Granted, she is your BFF, but BFF's have budgets and bills like the rest of us. Be kind and believe the best in her. Until she has given you a reason to do otherwise, be gracious and loving as any BFF should be. It is disappointing, but disappointments don't last forever unless you let them. Extend to her, what you would want extended to you if you were in a similar situation. Grace keeps best friends best friends. 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards