Long-time lurker, first time poster--I was hoping y'all could help me on an etiquette issue I'm having with the invitations. Sorry it's long and a bit rambling!
TL;DR: Our wedding will have most but not all of the trappings of a true black tie event, and everyone involved in the planning (except me) insists on putting "Black Tie" on the invites. Is this a hill I should be willing to die on? Or is the etiquette rule obscure enough that I should just let it go?
More details for those interested:
First, the wedding/reception actually is going to be very formal. The venue is a private club that has a strict dress code, the staff members at the club wear black tie at all times, the bridesmaids will be in gowns, all the male BP members in tuxedos, our save the dates and invitations have been fancy (though not completely traditional), etc.. Second, it will be very well hosted (top shelf open bar, valet, live band, and so on). However, it will not have all the trappings of a black tie event. The biggest issue is that we are doing food stations instead of a served dinner for logistical reasons.
All of this is fine, since I don't particularly care about having a wedding that is actually black tie. However, FI, FILs, our planner, and our stationery designer all insist on putting "Black Tie" on the invitation, as if it were actually a black tie event. At the beginning of the planning process, I was on board with having a "black tie" wedding, since I didn't know about all of the things required to make an event truly black tie. But, all the lurking I've done on this board in particular has enlightened me, and I don't want to offend anyone by having black tie on the invite and it not being up to par.
The reasons everyone else wants to put it on the invite are twofold. First, there are many, many events in this social circle that ask for black tie attire but that are missing the served dinner component--these events are not just weddings, but also galas and deb balls. So I've been getting a lot of the "everyone does it this way" explanation from everyone. This is the same logic people who have cash bars use, and I just do not want people to think of me the same way I think of people who think it's a good idea to have a cash bar or dollar dance or whatever. However, the second reason is that there actually is a dress code for the venue, as I mentioned above. Instead of trying to convince everyone to go to the website to read about the dress code or putting a ridiculous dress code insert in the invitation suite, putting black tie is just a more clear cut way to ensure all of our guests will be allowed in the club. This is the only reason I think it might be a good idea, but I still worry about the etiquette issue. However, everyone else is pushing back hard. Is this something I need to put my foot down on? I'm generally passive and just don't want to fight a battle that's not necessary/will not make a meaningful impact on our guests' comfort.
P.S. I know brides come on here all the time looking for people to validate their shitty etiquette. While I would genuinely love to hear that this is only a minor issue and is not worth the conflict/stress, I also welcome any and all guidance on convincing everyone that we should take it off the invites. FI is open to taking it off, but his parents (who are paying) and our planner/designer generally dismissed my suggestion that it's bad etiquette and I'm not sure what to say except "it's rude to tell people to dress for a level of formality our event does not actually meet". Annnnd end of my rant!