Issue with bar at venue

lavenderfields13 · December 2014

I know this question has probably been addressed before but I can't find a thread with this exact one so I apologize.

So when FI and I booked our venue I made sure to ask about different options for hosting the bar. I was told we could do whatever we want and I knew we'd only be able to afford beer, wine and possibly a signature drink.

We just went for our 6 month meeting to discuss dinner, bar, etc. I was under the impression that the venue would remove the alcohol that we weren't hosting and I guess that was my mistake for assuming that. The coordinator said they absolutely will not do that because they're losing money if a guest wants other alcohol that we're not hosting.

Honestly about 98% of our guest list is all used to cash bars or partial cash bars and that's what they expect. So I was so happy to be actually hosting a wedding with none of that involved! I feel like it's out of my control now if a guest wants to order a mixed drink and pay for it. I know it won't be a big deal to most guests but I know we'll have a few that are only used to open bars (top shelf included) and I don't want to come off as tacky but I don't know any way around this.

Is it okay if we just make a sign showing what is hosted by us? I'm feeling kinda bummed about this.

lovegood90 · December 2014

Do you have it anywhere in writing that you could do whatever you want in terms of the bar? Like in an e-mail or in your contract? It's really not cool of them to say that to you and then months later say something different.

dcbride86 · December 2014

That sounds very strange to me. What does your contract say? Unless it's actually included in the contract, I don't think it's something the venue can stipulate now.

lavenderfields13 · December 2014

No I don't have it in writing unfortunately. I just assumed (which of course, stupid me) that them saying we could host a limited bar meant nothing else would be available for purchase.

Cash bars are VERY common in our area and it's a popular venue so they probably usually make tons off of cash bars.

lovegood90 · December 2014

Hmm, I agree with @dcbride86- if they didn't state in the contract that you had to have the whole bar open regardless of what you were hosting, they have no legal right to insist that, right? Then again I'm not a lawyer.

dcbride86 · December 2014

What does the contract say about the bar? There should be something in there about whether or not you are permitted to host a bar, to use outside alcohol, etc. What does the clause about the bar say?

fwtx5815 · December 2014

If there's really no way around it, a sign that says "beer & wine compliments of the bride and groom" would be helpful to your guests.

But as for the venue- I would threaten to have a dry wedding And tell them you don't want to offend or confuse your guests and see if they change their tune.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

lavenderfields13 said:

I know this question has probably been addressed before but I can't find a thread with this exact one so I apologize.

So when FI and I booked our venue I made sure to ask about different options for hosting the bar. I was told we could do whatever we want and I knew we'd only be able to afford beer, wine and possibly a signature drink.

We just went for our 6 month meeting to discuss dinner, bar, etc. I was under the impression that the venue would remove the alcohol that we weren't hosting and I guess that was my mistake for assuming that. The coordinator said they absolutely will not do that because they're losing money if a guest wants other alcohol that we're not hosting.

Honestly about 98% of our guest list is all used to cash bars or partial cash bars and that's what they expect. So I was so happy to be actually hosting a wedding with none of that involved! I feel like it's out of my control now if a guest wants to order a mixed drink and pay for it. I know it won't be a big deal to most guests but I know we'll have a few that are only used to open bars (top shelf included) and I don't want to come off as tacky but I don't know any way around this.
Is it okay if we just make a sign showing what is hosted by us? I'm feeling kinda bummed about this.

Yes. This is what we did. We also hosted beer, wine, and a signature drink.

Our venue did not remove all of the unhosted liquor. 95% of our guests got the message and drank what was hosted. A few others choose to order, and pay, for scotch and some other mixed drinks, knowing they were not hosted.

Honestly, most places will not remove unhosted alcohol from the bar for the very reason that your venue stated- they could potentially loose money. And they are a business, they don't care what the etiquette rules are.

Just post your signs, and then don't worry about it. If people choose to order something that isn't hosted, that's on them not you.

lavenderfields13 · December 2014

Thank you @PrettyGirlLost , this makes me feel better knowing that someone else has done the same. You're right, venues/vendors don't care about etiquette.

There was no clause in the contract about the bar so there's nothing to fall back on.

dcbride86 · December 2014

There's nothing in there about food and beverage? If there's nothing in there, you actually could argue that since it's not a part of the contract, they can't stipulate that liquor must be available. Especially if there's a clause in the contract saying something to the effect of "this contract contains all the terms of the agreement"

I'm not sure how much you want to fight with them on it, or if you want to fight with them on it at all, nor do I know where you live and these things tend to vary by state - but you could make a breach of contract argument and see if that makes them back off.

Having said that, I don't think it would really be worth it to make legal threats for something that could be remedied with a sign. But if it's a big deal to you, you might have an argument, or enough of one that they might remove the liquor.

lavenderfields13 · December 2014

Yeah I don't think it's worth making legal threats- in all other areas they are super accommodating and I love the place. I do see their point too, I guess I was just making assumptions that I shouldn't have.

We'll do the sign and it's nice to have feedback that other people have been in the same boat. Like I said, most of our guests will be pleasantly surprised that anything is even hosted! I just wanted everything to be perfect but I guess I have to let that dream go.

MairePoppy · December 2014

I have been to weddings in MA where the couple didn't host the bar, but guests were free to buy drinks, if they like. So not sure if threatening to have a dry wedding would work; the venue is free to sell drinks in compliance with their liquor license.

Please make up some signs and post them at each table and at the bar so your guests know what you're hosting before they order. Make those little specialty drink signs that they post on restaurant tables-

'Please enjoy the following beverages compliments of Mr. and Mrs. Newname:'

List your drinks.

Don't panic. You're being a good host. You just need to make sure your guests aren't embarrassed with an unexpected charge.

lavenderfields13 · December 2014

Thanks for your repsonse @mairepoppy

We're from MA and our wedding is in RI so we're definitely used to bars that aren't hosted.

The venue also does make us pay a fee if we didn't serve alcohol.

We'll definitely be making signs to avoid confusion.

MairePoppy · December 2014

@lavenderfields13, I live in CT, where open bar is the law. My MA relatives were shocked that DD and SIL had open bar at their wedding. At first they thought it was kind of show offy - then after a few drinks they thought it was the best wedding ever. Hey, when in Rome.

thisismynickname2 · December 2014

Another vote for a sign. If I saw a sign that said beer, wine, and a signature drink were compliments of the happy couple, I'd be happy too.

JellyBean52513 · December 2014

thisismynickname said:

Another vote for a sign. If I saw a sign that said beer, wine, and a signature drink were compliments of the happy couple, I'd be happy too.

And yet another vote for the sign. If I saw a full open bar, with a sign indicating to me which beverages the hosts had already taken care of, I'd enjoy one of the hosted options 1. to save my own money and 2. because the hosts took care to provide these options, and I feel like it'd be rude to just go and pay for something else.

lyndausvi · December 2014

Some venues have pre-set bars setup. Think of bars, restaurants, country clubs, etc. Those bars are setup 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Other places set up on an event basis. Think banquet rooms at a hotel. They just rollout a temp bar and stock it based on what the hosts ordered.

If the place is like the first one then I'm not surprised at all they will not get rid of the other liquor. Taking down, storing and then re-stocking the bar for normal use is rarely going to happen.

If the place is like the second ones, then there is no reason why they can't just put out what you want to host.

Wording is everything. Asking if you can host any type of bar you want is not asking if I only host certain things will those be the only things on display. I can see how you would assume that, but really they are different things. They are allowing you to host what you want, but they didn't agree to only displaying what you are hosting.

mrssursely · December 2014

My venue pulled something similar. We're planning on doing just beer and wine, maybe a signature drink too. Originally they had said they put something up that covers all the liquor that we wouldn't be serving, now they don't put anything up. Apparently people can ask all they want for the liquor we aren't serving and they'll be told it's not an option... I don't see that going so well. Bars are just in it for the money, they don't care about etiquette one bit as long as they get paid.

lavenderfields13 · December 2014

@lyndausvi our venue is a golf club so it makes sense now why they won't do it. Now I know that I wasn't asking the right questions.

@mairepoppy a few of FI's family members live in CT so those are the ones I'm terrified of seeming tacky to or offending- a wedding of theirs that we went to in CT was the first open bar wedding we ever went to - top shelf liquor all night for about 400 people!

Most people we know either have cash bar or do open bar for cocktail hour only- open bar is always thought of as a "wealthy people" thing in our circle but I'm trying to change that a little.

Thank you for all the input ladies!

lyndausvi · December 2014

I'm not surprised they will not remove the other liquors then. Clubs, especially private ones, run on their own set of rules. At the club I work at the main bar is always open to members. It doesn't matter if there is an event or not. We are unable to get rid of the other liquors because members are allowed to order them (the member pays for their drinks, not the hosts of the event). That is not unusual for golf/country clubs. That could be the same at your venue.

jenijoyk · December 2014

I think you're totally fine with the signs. I side-eye the CRAP out of cash bars (I think I've actually only been to one cash bar wedding in my entire 34 years of life - NO one in our circle/families pulls this). But I recently was at a wedding reception in a large restaurant with a huge fancy bar. There were signs on the bar that explained what was hosted, and the bartenders let people know too. I didn't even have a moment where I thought it was tacky that there was booze behind the bar that wasn't hosted. I think you are aaaalllll good.

apromise22 · December 2014

I was glad to see this post because I'm having the same issue. It's actually still a possibility that they will remove/cover the liquor, but I'm not sure.

I didn't want any of it to be a cash bar, but do you think that if they refuse to cover the liquor, I should put the sign up and let guests buy cocktails if they'd like? As I said, I don't want guests buying anything, but I kind of feel like it'd be worse to have bottles of booze on display and then tell guests they can't drink it, even if they'd like to pay for it.

Jen4948 · December 2014

I would honestly find another venue that doesn't force you to allow liquor that you're not paying for to be displayed for exactly this reason: Your guests should never be required to pay for any part of their provisions. Wouldn't a guest who would like a martini or a Bloody Mary who doesn't have the cash on him to pay for it be resentful that those who did could buy one?

Many guests don't bring cash with them to weddings because they rightfully expect not to be charged for their provisions. Although there are people who insist on bringing cash to all events they attend just in case, let's face it: it is not appropriate for your venue to expect to profit from sales to guests you ate supposed to be hosting in full. If you're not going to cover the costs of liquor for your guests, then it shouldn't be made available, period.

Edited to add: If you're stuck with this venue, then limit the sign to what you are paying for. Don't mention anything about other drinks being available for sale.

climbingsingle · December 2014

That sucks. But I think you're fine with having a sign saying "Beer, wine and signature drink hosted by the B&G".

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

Jen4948 said:

I would honestly find another venue that doesn't force you to allow liquor that you're not paying for to be displayed for exactly this reason: Your guests should never be required to pay for any part of their provisions. Wouldn't a guest who would like a martini or a Bloody Mary who doesn't have the cash on him to pay for it be resentful that those who did could buy one? Many guests don't bring cash with them to weddings because they rightfully expect not to be charged for their provisions. Although there are people who insist on bringing cash to all events they attend just in case, let's face it: it is not appropriate for your venue to expect to profit from sales to guests you ate supposed to be hosting in full. If you're not going to cover the costs of liquor for your guests, then it shouldn't be made available, period. Edited to add: If you're stuck with this venue, then limit the sign to what you are paying for. Don't mention anything about other drinks being available for sale.

I understand what you are saying.

However, based on the info Lynda provided earlier in the thread, and personal experience, the majority of venues with free standing bars will not remove alcohol that you aren't paying for just because of etiquette rules. They are businesses and they don't care what the E-Mavens on TK have to say. If they can make a sale beyond what the bride and groom are already paying for, they will. That's not inappropriate, that's business.

What's inappropriate are guests who choose to buy their own, unhosted drinks. It's just rude, and it's also stupid, IMO.

Signs as to what is being hosted should be sufficient. If a guest looks at the hosted options, then looks at the bar and wishes she could have a Bloody Mary as that is what she prefers, but she has no cash on her, well too bad for her. She needs to make due with what is hosted or drink water. Regardless of the fact that another guest might have cash and has the ability to order the unhosted Bloody Mary. Both guests are being rude, and at that point their rudeness is not the couple's responsibility.

jenijoyk · December 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Jen4948 said:

I would honestly find another venue that doesn't force you to allow liquor that you're not paying for to be displayed for exactly this reason: Your guests should never be required to pay for any part of their provisions. Wouldn't a guest who would like a martini or a Bloody Mary who doesn't have the cash on him to pay for it be resentful that those who did could buy one? Many guests don't bring cash with them to weddings because they rightfully expect not to be charged for their provisions. Although there are people who insist on bringing cash to all events they attend just in case, let's face it: it is not appropriate for your venue to expect to profit from sales to guests you ate supposed to be hosting in full. If you're not going to cover the costs of liquor for your guests, then it shouldn't be made available, period. Edited to add: If you're stuck with this venue, then limit the sign to what you are paying for. Don't mention anything about other drinks being available for sale.

I understand what you are saying.

However, based on the info Lynda provided earlier in the thread, and personal experience, the majority of venues with free standing bars will not remove alcohol that you aren't paying for just because of etiquette rules. They are businesses and they don't care what the E-Mavens on TK have to say. If they can make a sale beyond what the bride and groom are already paying for, they will. That's not inappropriate, that's business.

What's inappropriate are guests who choose to buy their own, unhosted drinks. It's just rude, and it's also stupid, IMO.

Signs as to what is being hosted should be sufficient. If a guest looks at the hosted options, then looks at the bar and wishes she could have a Bloody Mary as that is what she prefers, but she has no cash on her, well too bad for her. She needs to make due with what is hosted or drink water. Regardless of the fact that another guest might have cash and has the ability to order the unhosted Bloody Mary. Both guests are being rude, and at that point their rudeness is not the couple's responsibility.

I totally agree with this. I would have never done that at the wedding I referred to above. And I would have side-eyed and not because I would be jealous over their bloody mary. It's just tacky. It's tacky in front of other guests, and it's tacky to your hosts, the bride and groom.

That being said, my wedding was hosted craft beer, wine and sangria in a courtyard. There was a bar literally five steps over. There were a few times when I noticed some groups slip in there and order a round of shots. Oh well. What are you going to do.

Jen4948 · December 2014

jenijoyk said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Jen4948 said:

I would honestly find another venue that doesn't force you to allow liquor that you're not paying for to be displayed for exactly this reason: Your guests should never be required to pay for any part of their provisions. Wouldn't a guest who would like a martini or a Bloody Mary who doesn't have the cash on him to pay for it be resentful that those who did could buy one? Many guests don't bring cash with them to weddings because they rightfully expect not to be charged for their provisions. Although there are people who insist on bringing cash to all events they attend just in case, let's face it: it is not appropriate for your venue to expect to profit from sales to guests you ate supposed to be hosting in full. If you're not going to cover the costs of liquor for your guests, then it shouldn't be made available, period. Edited to add: If you're stuck with this venue, then limit the sign to what you are paying for. Don't mention anything about other drinks being available for sale.

I understand what you are saying.

However, based on the info Lynda provided earlier in the thread, and personal experience, the majority of venues with free standing bars will not remove alcohol that you aren't paying for just because of etiquette rules. They are businesses and they don't care what the E-Mavens on TK have to say. If they can make a sale beyond what the bride and groom are already paying for, they will. That's not inappropriate, that's business.

What's inappropriate are guests who choose to buy their own, unhosted drinks. It's just rude, and it's also stupid, IMO.

Signs as to what is being hosted should be sufficient. If a guest looks at the hosted options, then looks at the bar and wishes she could have a Bloody Mary as that is what she prefers, but she has no cash on her, well too bad for her. She needs to make due with what is hosted or drink water. Regardless of the fact that another guest might have cash and has the ability to order the unhosted Bloody Mary. Both guests are being rude, and at that point their rudeness is not the couple's responsibility.

I totally agree with this. I would have never done that at the wedding I referred to above. And I would have side-eyed and not because I would be jealous over their bloody mary. It's just tacky. It's tacky in front of other guests, and it's tacky to your hosts, the bride and groom.
That being said, my wedding was hosted craft beer, wine and sangria in a courtyard. There was a bar literally five steps over. There were a few times when I noticed some groups slip in there and order a round of shots. Oh well. What are you going to do.

Well, that's why I edited my original post to add that if the OP was locked in to that particular venue, then she should put out the signs to indicate exactly what was hosted.

It's really annoying, though, when vendors and venues put you in that position, but it's best to find out if that's going to be the case before locking yourself into that one venue. I would have asked about it and found another venue rather than putting myself in the position of the OP.

lyndausvi · December 2014

jenijoyk said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Jen4948 said:

I would honestly find another venue that doesn't force you to allow liquor that you're not paying for to be displayed for exactly this reason: Your guests should never be required to pay for any part of their provisions. Wouldn't a guest who would like a martini or a Bloody Mary who doesn't have the cash on him to pay for it be resentful that those who did could buy one? Many guests don't bring cash with them to weddings because they rightfully expect not to be charged for their provisions. Although there are people who insist on bringing cash to all events they attend just in case, let's face it: it is not appropriate for your venue to expect to profit from sales to guests you ate supposed to be hosting in full. If you're not going to cover the costs of liquor for your guests, then it shouldn't be made available, period. Edited to add: If you're stuck with this venue, then limit the sign to what you are paying for. Don't mention anything about other drinks being available for sale.

I understand what you are saying.

However, based on the info Lynda provided earlier in the thread, and personal experience, the majority of venues with free standing bars will not remove alcohol that you aren't paying for just because of etiquette rules. They are businesses and they don't care what the E-Mavens on TK have to say. If they can make a sale beyond what the bride and groom are already paying for, they will. That's not inappropriate, that's business.

What's inappropriate are guests who choose to buy their own, unhosted drinks. It's just rude, and it's also stupid, IMO.

Signs as to what is being hosted should be sufficient. If a guest looks at the hosted options, then looks at the bar and wishes she could have a Bloody Mary as that is what she prefers, but she has no cash on her, well too bad for her. She needs to make due with what is hosted or drink water. Regardless of the fact that another guest might have cash and has the ability to order the unhosted Bloody Mary. Both guests are being rude, and at that point their rudeness is not the couple's responsibility.

I totally agree with this. I would have never done that at the wedding I referred to above. And I would have side-eyed and not because I would be jealous over their bloody mary. It's just tacky. It's tacky in front of other guests, and it's tacky to your hosts, the bride and groom.
That being said, my wedding was hosted craft beer, wine and sangria in a courtyard. There was a bar literally five steps over. There were a few times when I noticed some groups slip in there and order a round of shots. Oh well. What are you going to do.

My husband would be THAT person who buys a drink that is un-hosted. He likes his vodka and he doesn't care if he has to pay for it.

Last night was the employee xmas party at the club. It was only beer and wine and you couldn't purchase anything extra either (it's a cash free club anyway). DH knew that a head of time and brought a flask of vodka. The GM approved him doing it, but still I think it was tacky.

MairePoppy · December 2014

The venue isn't doing anything wrong. They run a business that has a bar that is open, while the club is open.The bride and groom aren't doing anything wrong either, they are hosting food and beverage that they can afford to their guests. That said, I have been to many weddings (not in CT, though) where the guests passed by the 'punch bowl' and headed straight to the bar to purchase drinks. Did I care? No, it doesn't affect me. It's rude to judge the other guests and call attention to their faux pas.

@nhs226, you should post a bar menu/signs of whatever you're hosting, prominently, so the guests know exactly what you're hosting. No need to mention that the cash bar is available.The bartenders should be the ones who inform the guests if they are ordering off menu. If the unhosted liquor remains uncovered, the guests should be allowed (by the venue) to purchase it.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

We were told upfront we dont have a choice. If we host the beer and wine and they have to provide the bartender then they do open the fully stocked bar for people to buy. It's how they make their money. I've been to several weddings where there is a sign that says the beer and wine is on the house. Never heard anyone complain.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

lyndausvi said:

jenijoyk said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Jen4948 said:

I would honestly find another venue that doesn't force you to allow liquor that you're not paying for to be displayed for exactly this reason: Your guests should never be required to pay for any part of their provisions. Wouldn't a guest who would like a martini or a Bloody Mary who doesn't have the cash on him to pay for it be resentful that those who did could buy one? Many guests don't bring cash with them to weddings because they rightfully expect not to be charged for their provisions. Although there are people who insist on bringing cash to all events they attend just in case, let's face it: it is not appropriate for your venue to expect to profit from sales to guests you ate supposed to be hosting in full. If you're not going to cover the costs of liquor for your guests, then it shouldn't be made available, period. Edited to add: If you're stuck with this venue, then limit the sign to what you are paying for. Don't mention anything about other drinks being available for sale.

I understand what you are saying.

However, based on the info Lynda provided earlier in the thread, and personal experience, the majority of venues with free standing bars will not remove alcohol that you aren't paying for just because of etiquette rules. They are businesses and they don't care what the E-Mavens on TK have to say. If they can make a sale beyond what the bride and groom are already paying for, they will. That's not inappropriate, that's business.

What's inappropriate are guests who choose to buy their own, unhosted drinks. It's just rude, and it's also stupid, IMO.

Signs as to what is being hosted should be sufficient. If a guest looks at the hosted options, then looks at the bar and wishes she could have a Bloody Mary as that is what she prefers, but she has no cash on her, well too bad for her. She needs to make due with what is hosted or drink water. Regardless of the fact that another guest might have cash and has the ability to order the unhosted Bloody Mary. Both guests are being rude, and at that point their rudeness is not the couple's responsibility.

I totally agree with this. I would have never done that at the wedding I referred to above. And I would have side-eyed and not because I would be jealous over their bloody mary. It's just tacky. It's tacky in front of other guests, and it's tacky to your hosts, the bride and groom.
That being said, my wedding was hosted craft beer, wine and sangria in a courtyard. There was a bar literally five steps over. There were a few times when I noticed some groups slip in there and order a round of shots. Oh well. What are you going to do.

My husband would be THAT person who buys a drink that is un-hosted. He likes his vodka and he doesn't care if he has to pay for it.

Last night was the employee xmas party at the club. It was only beer and wine and you couldn't purchase anything extra either (it's a cash free club anyway). DH knew that a head of time and brought a flask of vodka. The GM approved him doing it, but still I think it was tacky.

As long as he's ok with it, no big deal.

From an etiquette standpoint it's considered rude is what I meant.

When people bought scotch at my reception I thought "Huh? Well whatever, obviously they really wanted it." I didn't say they were rude or anything!

Issue with bar at venue

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