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Need help coping with my best friend turning me down

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Re: Need help coping with my best friend turning me down

  • beetherybeethery member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    ReginaLambert13 said:
    I guess I'm a little more harsh on this than some.  I feel that if you're someones close friend that being there for them on their big day is part of the job.  If you are in a situation where maybe you can't commit a huge amount of time or money, then you need to say so and be honest.  Then it's up to the bride if she wants to not have you I suppose.  But to just say no when one of your closest friends asks you to stand up with her and support her on her wedding day?  That's not a friend in my book.  If someone asked me and I truly was in a place where I couldn't spend much money or didn't have a bunch of time to help out I would be up front with how much I could help, but I would still of course agree to stand up for her no matter what.  If my not being able to do everything 100% was a deal breaker I would understand, but you do whatever you can when a friend is getting married.  Even if it's not your thing you still do what you can to make her day special because obviously it is HER thing and you care about her.  My MOH doesn't live in the same town as I do and won't be able to do much with me ahead of time, but she'll do what she can and at least be there for the big day.  Man, I just can't imagine being friends with anyone who couldn't suck it up and just wear the dern dress and smile for one day.

    I hope things go better and that you end up with a party that supports you throughout the planning and on the big day!
    LURK THE BOARDS. READ THE RESPONSES. LEARN THINGS.
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  • agenevieve22016agenevieve22016 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    I understand that must be hard. But it is not easy having out of town BM and you should just appreciate she's being honest with you. One of my BMS in Cali isn't into weddings at all and I had to call her to make sure again she actually wanted to do it and said I would not be offended one bit if she declined. Some people just enjoy attending which is understandable your best friend or not at least she was honest, but I understand its a smack in the face being she just was in two other weddings.
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  • themermaidbride118themermaidbride118 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2014

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  • themermaidbride118themermaidbride118 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Appreciate her for her honesty.  It would hurt more if she overpromised and underdelivered.  That could result in a more devastating blow that her just being honest up front and saying that she doesn't have it in her.  I'm sure she struggled with her decision to decline.  But, as you said, she's your best friend.  Her lack of "participation" doesn't change that.  Because she won't be busy with wedding tasks, she might prove to be more supportive than the rest of your bridal party. 

    I am going through this right now, and YES! I wish my bridesmaid had been upfront with me to pull out (AKA before I purchased BM gifts with her name on them). She told me for months "yes", and when the time came to buy her dress yesterday, an hour before the place closed, mind you, she pulled out. I wish she had told me months ago.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    thelittlemermaidbride said:
    Appreciate her for her honesty.  It would hurt more if she overpromised and underdelivered.  That could result in a more devastating blow that her just being honest up front and saying that she doesn't have it in her.  I'm sure she struggled with her decision to decline.  But, as you said, she's your best friend.  Her lack of "participation" doesn't change that.  Because she won't be busy with wedding tasks, she might prove to be more supportive than the rest of your bridal party. 

    I am going through this right now, and YES! I wish my bridesmaid had been upfront with me to pull out (AKA before I purchased BM gifts with her name on them). She told me for months "yes", and when the time came to buy her dress yesterday, an hour before the place closed, mind you, she pulled out. I wish she had told me months ago.
    There is no such thing as wedding "tasks" for the bridal party.  The only thing they are required to do is to show up in the dress, on time, and in sober good spirits for the wedding.  


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  • iloveu4everiloveu4ever member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Just deal with it. My best friend Mariah says she would love to but can't afford it. I even offered to buy her dress but she doesn't want to burden me with the cost. So I respected her decison.

     
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    themosthappy91 said:
    Time2strtliving said:
    themosthappy91 said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    @misspinxie18, would you be okay with her standing by you if she was wearing whatever she was wearing?  Do you think she would go for that?


    That's what I'm saying- if you literally make being a bridesmaid nothing other than literally standing up next to you, I can't see how she could possibly refuse!  Like if you make it clear you have no other expectation of her and there will be no other associated expense, there has (in my opinion) got to be something else going on here that is causing her to refuse, whether it's an issue in her relationship with you or an issue with her being upset about her own love life.

    I don't want to judge too harshly but I think that it is unreasonable of your friend to not agree to stand up with you if it's not going to cost her anything or put any additional responsibility on her, considering she does plan to be at the wedding so it's not an issue of not being able to miss work.  No matter how love lorn she is personally, I don't think I'd be able to think of my friend the same way ever again if she couldn't understand how important this one small act of standing up beside me was to me (and to reiterate again, this is assuming you are covering all of her expenses and relieving her of all other bridesmaid responsibilities).    
    This is ridiculous.  It isn't unreasonable.  She doesn't want to, so don't force her.  Maybe she has anxiety issues and she doesn't want to be in front of people.  You need to let this go.  If you "never could think of your friend the same way every again," then you are most likely the worst friend.  She doesn't have to lay out every detail for you to approve or deny.  If you push this, you will hurt the friendship.  She will be there for you, and she is attending the wedding.  That should be enough. Does it suck? Yes.  Is this a hill to die on for your friendship?  No.  

    Also @themosthappy91, I think you are under the impression that there are more "responsibilities" other than showing up in the dress sober and happy on the day of.  There isn't.  No one is required to throw parties, coordinate or plan anything other than the Bride and her Fiance.  
    No that's exactly the point I'm trying to make- a lot of women (both brides and bridesmaids) mistakenly think that bridesmaids have to do a bunch of extra stuff like attend (or even plan) all the pre-wedding parties, be in a million posed pictures on the wedding day, etc.  I'm advising the OP to make it clear that she is absolutely NOT expecting or desiring that her friend do those things- even the more reasonable tasks that bridesmaids typically don't begrudge taking part in, like the rehearsal the day before.  If there's a chance that OP's friend is saying no because in the previous weddings she's been in she has felt pressure, either from herself or from the bride, to do all those extra tasks, I think the OP should clarify that this wedding is not going to be like that.  The only thing that truly matters- and I think the OP and I are on the same page about this- is having your nearest and dearest standing up next to you on the day of the wedding.  

    Anyway, I really don't think I'm a bad friend, but I stand by what I said- given the details the OP has provided about this situation (friend has no obligation preventing her from coming to the wedding, friend has no other responsibilities as a BM other than standing up with her friend, financial or otherwise), I truly could not think of my friend the same way.  Not just because she wouldn't stand up for me, but because she didn't feel comfortable communicating to me any reason why other than simply "I'm burnt out on weddings and I don't want to" (such as an actual anxiety issue, as you suggested).  I'm not saying I would end the friendship, but personally I would hope my BFF 1) would have a more substantial reason for choosing to do something that would hurt me so greatly than "I just don't feel like it" and 2) would feel comfortable sharing that reason with me.  If neither of those conditions were met, I just don't think I would feel as close to my friend as I did before.  I'm just speaking for myself here and not saying everyone should feel the same about their BFFs as I do about mine, but that's just the reality of how my closest friend relationships work.  Hopefully that clarifies things for you :)! 
    You and the OP are assuming a lot of things.  Neither of you have any idea about this woman's financial situation, PTO situation etc.  I'm going to give you a hint- when you are in grad school, especially a program outside of the natural sciences that doesn't pay you a small stipend to be in their program, YOU have to pay for grad school and you either need loans in order to survive and pay rent, car insurance, groceries etc. or you have to work a 2nd job in order to pay for those things.  And you are busy as fuck.
    hugsy76103 said:
    Of course this is upsetting to me because there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't say yes. For being my best friend for years, talking about my engagement ring shopping, bridesmaid plans, shower plans, bachelorette party plans, other wedding plans, my plans for moving after the wedding, etc., not ONE time in over a year of "wedding talk" did she ever bring up that she had any issues with being a bridesmaid, or coming home to PA, or money struggles, or any reasons why she wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. She never, never, never, brought anything up to me, when I told her numerous times I'd be asking her, and that I really didn't care about her coming home for anything else except for the big day. So when I asked her in person and she said yes, I was so so so happy. Then calling me the next day telling her I caught her off guard and she just said yes in the moment but really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, how am I supposed to feel? I can't just brush that off and act like its not a big deal to me.
    She didn't need to discuss any of those things with you, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have financial issues, or time off issues.  You just don't know.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ShortMama234 said:
    Honestly, I told her while she was in the hospital that I really wanted her to focus on her health because that was more important to me than her overextending herself to be in the wedding. It sucked to do it and I hated it but I care more about her than I do myself. That's the top reason why I asked her to step down. The other stuff I could deal with. (And she took on the duty of planning the bridal shower and bachelorette party months before she fell ill. That was going to be her thing. She never got it off the ground.) Look, some things just don't work out. That's life.

    But anyway, like I said, whole different story and there's a lot more to it than you know. So the bottom line is this. There's more than one way to be there for someone. I'm sure if your friend can make it to your wedding, she's darn sure going to try. Glad you got to wallow. Maybe see if there isn't some way that she can still be included. Maybe she could deliver a speech at your reception or something. There's always a way to include the important people even if they aren't in the wedding party. :)
    Holy.Shit.

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    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    themosthappy91 said:
    Time2strtliving said:
    themosthappy91 said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    @misspinxie18, would you be okay with her standing by you if she was wearing whatever she was wearing?  Do you think she would go for that?


    That's what I'm saying- if you literally make being a bridesmaid nothing other than literally standing up next to you, I can't see how she could possibly refuse!  Like if you make it clear you have no other expectation of her and there will be no other associated expense, there has (in my opinion) got to be something else going on here that is causing her to refuse, whether it's an issue in her relationship with you or an issue with her being upset about her own love life.

    I don't want to judge too harshly but I think that it is unreasonable of your friend to not agree to stand up with you if it's not going to cost her anything or put any additional responsibility on her, considering she does plan to be at the wedding so it's not an issue of not being able to miss work.  No matter how love lorn she is personally, I don't think I'd be able to think of my friend the same way ever again if she couldn't understand how important this one small act of standing up beside me was to me (and to reiterate again, this is assuming you are covering all of her expenses and relieving her of all other bridesmaid responsibilities).    
    This is ridiculous.  It isn't unreasonable.  She doesn't want to, so don't force her.  Maybe she has anxiety issues and she doesn't want to be in front of people.  You need to let this go.  If you "never could think of your friend the same way every again," then you are most likely the worst friend.  She doesn't have to lay out every detail for you to approve or deny.  If you push this, you will hurt the friendship.  She will be there for you, and she is attending the wedding.  That should be enough. Does it suck? Yes.  Is this a hill to die on for your friendship?  No.  

    Also @themosthappy91, I think you are under the impression that there are more "responsibilities" other than showing up in the dress sober and happy on the day of.  There isn't.  No one is required to throw parties, coordinate or plan anything other than the Bride and her Fiance.  
    No that's exactly the point I'm trying to make- a lot of women (both brides and bridesmaids) mistakenly think that bridesmaids have to do a bunch of extra stuff like attend (or even plan) all the pre-wedding parties, be in a million posed pictures on the wedding day, etc.  I'm advising the OP to make it clear that she is absolutely NOT expecting or desiring that her friend do those things- even the more reasonable tasks that bridesmaids typically don't begrudge taking part in, like the rehearsal the day before.  If there's a chance that OP's friend is saying no because in the previous weddings she's been in she has felt pressure, either from herself or from the bride, to do all those extra tasks, I think the OP should clarify that this wedding is not going to be like that.  The only thing that truly matters- and I think the OP and I are on the same page about this- is having your nearest and dearest standing up next to you on the day of the wedding.  

    Anyway, I really don't think I'm a bad friend, but I stand by what I said- given the details the OP has provided about this situation (friend has no obligation preventing her from coming to the wedding, friend has no other responsibilities as a BM other than standing up with her friend, financial or otherwise), I truly could not think of my friend the same way.  Not just because she wouldn't stand up for me, but because she didn't feel comfortable communicating to me any reason why other than simply "I'm burnt out on weddings and I don't want to" (such as an actual anxiety issue, as you suggested).  I'm not saying I would end the friendship, but personally I would hope my BFF 1) would have a more substantial reason for choosing to do something that would hurt me so greatly than "I just don't feel like it" and 2) would feel comfortable sharing that reason with me.  If neither of those conditions were met, I just don't think I would feel as close to my friend as I did before.  I'm just speaking for myself here and not saying everyone should feel the same about their BFFs as I do about mine, but that's just the reality of how my closest friend relationships work.  Hopefully that clarifies things for you :)! 
    You and the OP are assuming a lot of things.  Neither of you have any idea about this woman's financial situation, PTO situation etc.  I'm going to give you a hint- when you are in grad school, especially a program outside of the natural sciences that doesn't pay you a small stipend to be in their program, YOU have to pay for grad school and you either need loans in order to survive and pay rent, car insurance, groceries etc. or you have to work a 2nd job in order to pay for those things.  And you are busy as fuck.
    hugsy76103 said:
    Of course this is upsetting to me because there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't say yes. For being my best friend for years, talking about my engagement ring shopping, bridesmaid plans, shower plans, bachelorette party plans, other wedding plans, my plans for moving after the wedding, etc., not ONE time in over a year of "wedding talk" did she ever bring up that she had any issues with being a bridesmaid, or coming home to PA, or money struggles, or any reasons why she wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. She never, never, never, brought anything up to me, when I told her numerous times I'd be asking her, and that I really didn't care about her coming home for anything else except for the big day. So when I asked her in person and she said yes, I was so so so happy. Then calling me the next day telling her I caught her off guard and she just said yes in the moment but really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, how am I supposed to feel? I can't just brush that off and act like its not a big deal to me.
    She didn't need to discuss any of those things with you, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have financial issues, or time off issues.  You just don't know.
    Look I was just taking OP at her word- if I recall correctly (because I really don't feel the need to reread and refresh this million year old thread) she said the friend was still planning on attending the wedding, hence there was no additional time or financial commitment necessary to literally stand up next to her at an event she was already going to be at (as long as the OP paid for her BM dress and excused her from the rehearsal or other activities that would extend her stay, as I and others suggested).  People on here are always tripping over themselves to scream about how the only things you can ask of your bridesmaids is for them to stand up with you in a reasonable dress, sober and smiling, for the ceremony, so that kind of has to cut both ways doesn't it?  If your friend is already planning on being there, you pay for her dress, and it's really important to you, I see no reason why any good friend would refuse to make that gesture (short of anxiety issues which were also discussed and I believe ruled out- again, taking OP at her word- pretty definitively).

    But also why is this thread still happening?
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    themosthappy91 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    themosthappy91 said:
    Time2strtliving said:
    themosthappy91 said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    @misspinxie18, would you be okay with her standing by you if she was wearing whatever she was wearing?  Do you think she would go for that?


    That's what I'm saying- if you literally make being a bridesmaid nothing other than literally standing up next to you, I can't see how she could possibly refuse!  Like if you make it clear you have no other expectation of her and there will be no other associated expense, there has (in my opinion) got to be something else going on here that is causing her to refuse, whether it's an issue in her relationship with you or an issue with her being upset about her own love life.

    I don't want to judge too harshly but I think that it is unreasonable of your friend to not agree to stand up with you if it's not going to cost her anything or put any additional responsibility on her, considering she does plan to be at the wedding so it's not an issue of not being able to miss work.  No matter how love lorn she is personally, I don't think I'd be able to think of my friend the same way ever again if she couldn't understand how important this one small act of standing up beside me was to me (and to reiterate again, this is assuming you are covering all of her expenses and relieving her of all other bridesmaid responsibilities).    
    This is ridiculous.  It isn't unreasonable.  She doesn't want to, so don't force her.  Maybe she has anxiety issues and she doesn't want to be in front of people.  You need to let this go.  If you "never could think of your friend the same way every again," then you are most likely the worst friend.  She doesn't have to lay out every detail for you to approve or deny.  If you push this, you will hurt the friendship.  She will be there for you, and she is attending the wedding.  That should be enough. Does it suck? Yes.  Is this a hill to die on for your friendship?  No.  

    Also @themosthappy91, I think you are under the impression that there are more "responsibilities" other than showing up in the dress sober and happy on the day of.  There isn't.  No one is required to throw parties, coordinate or plan anything other than the Bride and her Fiance.  
    No that's exactly the point I'm trying to make- a lot of women (both brides and bridesmaids) mistakenly think that bridesmaids have to do a bunch of extra stuff like attend (or even plan) all the pre-wedding parties, be in a million posed pictures on the wedding day, etc.  I'm advising the OP to make it clear that she is absolutely NOT expecting or desiring that her friend do those things- even the more reasonable tasks that bridesmaids typically don't begrudge taking part in, like the rehearsal the day before.  If there's a chance that OP's friend is saying no because in the previous weddings she's been in she has felt pressure, either from herself or from the bride, to do all those extra tasks, I think the OP should clarify that this wedding is not going to be like that.  The only thing that truly matters- and I think the OP and I are on the same page about this- is having your nearest and dearest standing up next to you on the day of the wedding.  

    Anyway, I really don't think I'm a bad friend, but I stand by what I said- given the details the OP has provided about this situation (friend has no obligation preventing her from coming to the wedding, friend has no other responsibilities as a BM other than standing up with her friend, financial or otherwise), I truly could not think of my friend the same way.  Not just because she wouldn't stand up for me, but because she didn't feel comfortable communicating to me any reason why other than simply "I'm burnt out on weddings and I don't want to" (such as an actual anxiety issue, as you suggested).  I'm not saying I would end the friendship, but personally I would hope my BFF 1) would have a more substantial reason for choosing to do something that would hurt me so greatly than "I just don't feel like it" and 2) would feel comfortable sharing that reason with me.  If neither of those conditions were met, I just don't think I would feel as close to my friend as I did before.  I'm just speaking for myself here and not saying everyone should feel the same about their BFFs as I do about mine, but that's just the reality of how my closest friend relationships work.  Hopefully that clarifies things for you :)! 
    You and the OP are assuming a lot of things.  Neither of you have any idea about this woman's financial situation, PTO situation etc.  I'm going to give you a hint- when you are in grad school, especially a program outside of the natural sciences that doesn't pay you a small stipend to be in their program, YOU have to pay for grad school and you either need loans in order to survive and pay rent, car insurance, groceries etc. or you have to work a 2nd job in order to pay for those things.  And you are busy as fuck.
    hugsy76103 said:
    Of course this is upsetting to me because there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't say yes. For being my best friend for years, talking about my engagement ring shopping, bridesmaid plans, shower plans, bachelorette party plans, other wedding plans, my plans for moving after the wedding, etc., not ONE time in over a year of "wedding talk" did she ever bring up that she had any issues with being a bridesmaid, or coming home to PA, or money struggles, or any reasons why she wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. She never, never, never, brought anything up to me, when I told her numerous times I'd be asking her, and that I really didn't care about her coming home for anything else except for the big day. So when I asked her in person and she said yes, I was so so so happy. Then calling me the next day telling her I caught her off guard and she just said yes in the moment but really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, how am I supposed to feel? I can't just brush that off and act like its not a big deal to me.
    She didn't need to discuss any of those things with you, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have financial issues, or time off issues.  You just don't know.
    Look I was just taking OP at her word- if I recall correctly (because I really don't feel the need to reread and refresh this million year old thread) she said the friend was still planning on attending the wedding, hence there was no additional time or financial commitment necessary to literally stand up next to her at an event she was already going to be at (as long as the OP paid for her BM dress and excused her from the rehearsal or other activities that would extend her stay, as I and others suggested).  People on here are always tripping over themselves to scream about how the only things you can ask of your bridesmaids is for them to stand up with you in a reasonable dress, sober and smiling, for the ceremony, so that kind of has to cut both ways doesn't it?  If your friend is already planning on being there, you pay for her dress, and it's really important to you, I see no reason why any good friend would refuse to make that gesture (short of anxiety issues which were also discussed and I believe ruled out- again, taking OP at her word- pretty definitively).

    But also why is this thread still happening?
    Because it had the new post symbol next to it. . . so I read it, and I posted.  Just like any other thread on this board.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • Knottie99998459Knottie99998459 member
    First Comment
    I completely understand. I asked my sister to be my MOH and she said no because she doesn't like my fiance, for no substantiated reason. Heartbreaking. That's all. It's crappy. I get it.
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