OP, your attitude toward your cousin is atrocious, but technically you can pick any date you want for your wedding.
There is nothing wrong with picking the same weekend as your cousin's vow renewal, but you have to be ok with people not coming to your wedding, because her event was planned first.
Sometimes, there are only so many weekends in a year, and so events are on the same weekend. Four hours is also not terrible IMHO. I went to a Saturday night wedding, stayed the night, and then drove 3 hours to my friend's daughter's christening. (Granted the christening was close to where I lived, so I didn't then have to travel home after.)
I think OP's attitude toward her cousin is coming across really poorly, and yes, scheduling her wedding the same weekend (even though cousin's event is now a PPD and even though it would be the next day and not the same day) is still a really bad idea that is bound to stir up family drama. The fact that she is even considering it does make me wonder if she is intentionally trying to steal some of cousin's thunder a bit.
All that having been said, could any of you honestly say to me that you wouldn't be at least a little bit pissy if you had to give up a much-preferred date or venue while planning because you had to work around the wedding of a cousin that you're not even that close with, and then it turned out that the cousin wasn't even having her real wedding on that day, but instead a PPD? Because I would be.
I think OP's attitude toward her cousin is coming across really poorly, and yes, scheduling her wedding the same weekend (even though cousin's event is now a PPD and even though it would be the next day and not the same day) is still a really bad idea that is bound to stir up family drama. The fact that she is even considering it does make me wonder if she is intentionally trying to steal some of cousin's thunder a bit.
All that having been said, could any of you honestly say to me that you wouldn't be at least a little bit pissy if you had to give up a much-preferred date or venue while planning because you had to work around the wedding of a cousin that you're not even that close with, and then it turned out that the cousin wasn't even having her real wedding on that day, but instead a PPD? Because I would be.
No because the moment I had gotten that STD in the mail (prior to all this other bullshit) I would have moved the fuck on. But then again, I don't get hung up on dates. If I was so in love with the venue I would have just taken the next available date. Done.
I think OP's attitude toward her cousin is coming across really poorly, and yes, scheduling her wedding the same weekend (even though cousin's event is now a PPD and even though it would be the next day and not the same day) is still a really bad idea that is bound to stir up family drama. The fact that she is even considering it does make me wonder if she is intentionally trying to steal some of cousin's thunder a bit.
All that having been said, could any of you honestly say to me that you wouldn't be at least a little bit pissy if you had to give up a much-preferred date or venue while planning because you had to work around the wedding of a cousin that you're not even that close with, and then it turned out that the cousin wasn't even having her real wedding on that day, but instead a PPD? Because I would be.
No because the moment I had gotten that STD in the mail (prior to all this other bullshit) I would have moved the fuck on. But then again, I don't get hung up on dates. If I was so in love with the venue I would have just taken the next available date. Done.
It's easy not to get hung up on dates when there are lots of dates available. But if you have overseas family, family that works jobs with super-intense seasonal hours, or other scheduling issues, the "next available date" can be months out. I had to bump my wedding out 3 months because of family member date conflicts. OP would have had to bump hers out 7 months if she'd kept with her original venue. If you don't care what season you get married in and/or are young and/or in no rush to start a family, a few months may not be a big deal. But it's not always that easy.
I think OP's attitude toward her cousin is coming across really poorly, and yes, scheduling her wedding the same weekend (even though cousin's event is now a PPD and even though it would be the next day and not the same day) is still a really bad idea that is bound to stir up family drama. The fact that she is even considering it does make me wonder if she is intentionally trying to steal some of cousin's thunder a bit.
All that having been said, could any of you honestly say to me that you wouldn't be at least a little bit pissy if you had to give up a much-preferred date or venue while planning because you had to work around the wedding of a cousin that you're not even that close with, and then it turned out that the cousin wasn't even having her real wedding on that day, but instead a PPD? Because I would be.
No because the moment I had gotten that STD in the mail (prior to all this other bullshit) I would have moved the fuck on. But then again, I don't get hung up on dates. If I was so in love with the venue I would have just taken the next available date. Done.
It's easy not to get hung up on dates when there are lots of dates available. But if you have overseas family, family that works jobs with super-intense seasonal hours, or other scheduling issues, the "next available date" can be months out. I had to bump my wedding out 3 months because of family member date conflicts. OP would have had to bump hers out 7 months if she'd kept with her original venue. If you don't care what season you get married in and/or are young and/or in no rush to start a family, a few months may not be a big deal. But it's not always that easy.
But shit happens. Now if it was a friend that was getting married on that date fine, but when it is a family member and you are inviting the majority of the same people that is where things get hairy. And if family being there is important then you pick another date. And if that date ends up being 7 months out, then it ends up being 7 months out. Like I said, shit happens. You either get pissed about it or you get over it and make a new plan.
bostonbride2015 said:
I think OP's attitude toward her cousin is coming across really poorly, and yes, scheduling her wedding the same weekend (even though cousin's event is now a PPD and even though it would be the next day and not the same day) is still a really bad idea that is bound to stir up family drama. The fact that she is even considering it does make me wonder if she is intentionally trying to steal some of cousin's thunder a bit. All that having been said, could any of you honestly say to me that you wouldn't be at least a little bit pissy if you had to give up a much-preferred date or venue while planning because you had to work around the wedding of a cousin that you're not even that close with, and then it turned out that the cousin wasn't even having her real wedding on that day, but instead a PPD? Because I would be.
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You know what, it's not even the wedding or the date or any of that is so upsetting. It's the attitude of "look at my cousin's horrible life and how terrible it is for me!"
Look, I don't know OP. That may not be thought process. But the fact of the matter is, she continued coming back here, with reason after reason of why we should take her side. And THAT is what irritates me.
When this was posted, there was no mention of a PPD. Rather, it was a story of a woman who had been through a lot and a family member who was doubting her intentions and really hated how it might screw up her "vision". And that's gross.
You know what, it's not even the wedding or the date or any of that is so upsetting. It's the attitude of "look at my cousin's horrible life and how terrible it is for me!"
Look, I don't know OP. That may not be thought process. But the fact of the matter is, she continued coming back here, with reason after reason of why we should take her side. And THAT is what irritates me.
When this was posted, there was no mention of a PPD. Rather, it was a story of a woman who had been through a lot and a family member who was doubting her intentions and really hated how it might screw up her "vision". And that's gross.
ETF box
This is fair. Maybe I'm giving OP too much of the benefit of the doubt because of my own frustrations with scheduling around other family members. And she does seem weirdly tied to this one weekend, when I think we all agree that the reasonable thing to do is to suck it up and find another date. I'm just saying that I understand that finding a date that works for all family VIPs can be a frustrating process, that's all.
You know what, it's not even the wedding or the date or any of that is so upsetting. It's the attitude of "look at my cousin's horrible life and how terrible it is for me!"
Look, I don't know OP. That may not be thought process. But the fact of the matter is, she continued coming back here, with reason after reason of why we should take her side. And THAT is what irritates me.
When this was posted, there was no mention of a PPD. Rather, it was a story of a woman who had been through a lot and a family member who was doubting her intentions and really hated how it might screw up her "vision". And that's gross.
ETF box
This is fair. Maybe I'm giving OP too much of the benefit of the doubt because of my own frustrations with scheduling around other family members. And she does seem weirdly tied to this one weekend, when I think we all agree that the reasonable thing to do is to suck it up and find another date. I'm just saying that I understand that finding a date that works for all family VIPs can be a frustrating process, that's all.
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And I can appreciate that. H and I had a list of people that, if they could not attend a particular weekend, then the wedding wasn't happening at that time. Simple as that (no matter HOW much we liked a particular venue, date, etc.).
But I have a hunch this is not what was really upsetting OP.
Guess you hadn't noticed I've already given the OP my advice. I told her to pick the date seven months out. Whatever it is cousin Vicki is doing will hopefully be long over by then and they can both have what they want. Whether what cousin Vicki is having is what y'all call a PPD continues to have no bearing on what the OP should be doing, which is picking another damn date.
If you'd already put the deposit on the venue, I can see being upset, but if nothing was yet solidified and sent out then she reserved it first. As to having your wedding the next day - I thought the venue was the issue, but now there's a different venue? Is it not open any days other than the very next day?
Out of courtesy not only for your family, but the rest of your guests, I'd suggest just finding another date. Not only would your family and mutual guests be tired from the wedding/PPD/celebration/whatever it ends up being the day before AND driving four hours as they go to your wedding, but it comes off as a bit spiteful. I'd actually expect to see a higher number of no-shows to your wedding because of tiredness and the travel distance.
It looks like you're moving away from that venue, so that opens up a lot of options. Just pick a new date. It's an easy solution that avoids a lot of potential family and guest issues.
OP, your attitude toward your cousin is atrocious, but technically you can pick any date you want for your wedding.
There is nothing wrong with picking the same weekend as your cousin's vow renewal, but you have to be ok with people not coming to your wedding, because her event was planned first.
Sometimes, there are only so many weekends in a year, and so events are on the same weekend. Four hours is also not terrible IMHO. I went to a Saturday night wedding, stayed the night, and then drove 3 hours to my friend's daughter's christening. (Granted the christening was close to where I lived, so I didn't then have to travel home after.)
Actually it's 8 hours because presumably most of these people will need to drive home. There is no way I would attend a wedding on a Saturday, drive 4 hours away for another wedding on a Sunday, and then drive 4 hours home. Depending on the event times it would probably require overnight stays into Monday. Hell to the no.
Especially if I had an inkling of a thought that it way planned that way out of spite and judgment like the OP obviously is doing.
I know you all want to rip on me because of my attitude towards my cousin and I understand that first post did make seem like an ass that seems unsympathetic to my cousin who has had a tough life. Let me assure you that is not the case. I'm not at all close to her and because of past manipulative behavior, there are factions of my family that believe that she made up the stories of abuse to get her mom to bail her out when she was once again homeless because a bf kicked her out. I REALLY don't want to get in to a debate about whether I should believe her or the stories I have heard because that is not the point. I could have a 14 hour discussion about internal family dynamics and the need to get help and services for people in my family who need them and need our support and love. I understand that. This is not the place to discuss family dynamics. This is the place to discuss wedding etiquette.
My original point- which I should have left it at - was she is the girl who cried wedding like there was a boy who cried wolf. This is not the first wedding that was scheduled that isn't going to happen, as she first announced. Her first actual wedding was the same way- and she has canceled 3 weddings (that I can remember) since for the above mentioned reasons.
My point in re-raising the issue (rather than a masochistic tendency to like to have people rip apart my morals on the internet) was to ask if a (likely pot luck-as her reception after the actual wedding as noted on her fb invite) PPD was a reason not to schedule a wedding and if doing it a day later was sufficient. I am now considering reaching out (nicely with my congratulations on her wedding day) to her and seeing if she was dead set on the date for the reception given the change in plans, and just casually mentioning that we may be thinking about a wedding the next day, but DO NOT want to step on her toes if she is dead set on the date.
After giving it thought, I do foresee that there still may be family conflict if I picked that date without discussing her.
I'm going to go against the tide. Even if your cousin is planning a real (not PPD) wedding and even if it's a sure shot, you're free to reserve the following day for your wedding. Not sure if it's wise, though. That depends on whether your family will consider it inconvenient to attend both events. Long distance relatives may appreciate being able to fly into the same area (even with a 4 hour drive between events) to attend two celebrations. Before you put down a deposit, you should check with your VIPs to make sure the date you're considering is going to work for them. Your aunt, for one, might feel like she is being pulled in two directions. Other relatives may feel like you're forcing them to choose between you and your cousin. You will likely have a smaller turnout. So does any of that matter to you?
I think it would be a good idea to give your cousin a heads up that you are considering the same weekend/different day. Who knows, she might show up here complaining that her cousin is trying to steal her thunder or she might think it's great to have two family parties in one weekend. The background info on your cousin is irrelevant.
I think OP's attitude toward her cousin is coming across really poorly, and yes, scheduling her wedding the same weekend (even though cousin's event is now a PPD and even though it would be the next day and not the same day) is still a really bad idea that is bound to stir up family drama. The fact that she is even considering it does make me wonder if she is intentionally trying to steal some of cousin's thunder a bit.
All that having been said, could any of you honestly say to me that you wouldn't be at least a little bit pissy if you had to give up a much-preferred date or venue while planning because you had to work around the wedding of a cousin that you're not even that close with, and then it turned out that the cousin wasn't even having her real wedding on that day, but instead a PPD? Because I would be.
No because the moment I had gotten that STD in the mail (prior to all this other bullshit) I would have moved the fuck on. But then again, I don't get hung up on dates. If I was so in love with the venue I would have just taken the next available date. Done.
It's easy not to get hung up on dates when there are lots of dates available. But if you have overseas family, family that works jobs with super-intense seasonal hours, or other scheduling issues, the "next available date" can be months out. I had to bump my wedding out 3 months because of family member date conflicts. OP would have had to bump hers out 7 months if she'd kept with her original venue. If you don't care what season you get married in and/or are young and/or in no rush to start a family, a few months may not be a big deal. But it's not always that easy.
It's called priorities. If getting pregnant is the priority then the date and wedding venue are not as important and she can find a place and time that works for her.
And again, she doesn't need to be married to get pregnant. TTC just seems like her attempt to rationalize trying to dick over her cousin for her "dream venue" on the date she wants.
Yeah, it's shitty and against etiquette for her cousin to have a PPD, and if the cousin would care to join us we'd be happy to tell her. However OP is still going to look like a petulant child choosing the same weekend for her wedding as her cousins PPD.
Being right or justified doesn't always preclude you from looking like an asshole.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I can't think of a single venue or specific date/weekend that would be soooooo PERFECT that it would make me even consider, let alone actually book, an OOT event for my family on the SAME WEEKEND as a family member's ALREADY PLANNED EVENT. If it was in the same town, then maybe, but it would depend on the event. Family reunion, sure. Cousin's wedding, I doubt I would.
I don't give a shit if the planned event is a child's birthday, a wedding or a VOW RENEWAL. Their event has ALREADY BEEN PLANNED. Who does that? Weddings are not the be all end all of events. Fuck anyone who thinks their WEDDING is more important than someone's ALREADY PLANNED EVENT!!!
I also to not buy that there are other options for 7 MONTHS. So there's that.
*** I'm talking about family here. Family in theory has a lot more cross over guests than friends. I could never put grandma in the position of having to choose between which of her 2 grandkid's weddings should would attend. Nor would I put an 80 year old in a position to have to travel great distances on the same weekend. 4 hours isn't much too me, it can very much be for someone older.
Also going out back-to-back is not bad for me, as my grandparents got older it was a problem. So that is another point.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
I know you all want to rip on me because of my attitude towards my cousin and I understand that first post did make seem like an ass that seems unsympathetic to my cousin who has had a tough life. Let me assure you that is not the case. I'm not at all close to her and because of past manipulative behavior, there are factions of my family that believe that she made up the stories of abuse to get her mom to bail her out when she was once again homeless because a bf kicked her out. I REALLY don't want to get in to a debate about whether I should believe her or the stories I have heard because that is not the point. I could have a 14 hour discussion about internal family dynamics and the need to get help and services for people in my family who need them and need our support and love. I understand that. This is not the place to discuss family dynamics. This is the place to discuss wedding etiquette.
My original point- which I should have left it at - was she is the girl who cried wedding like there was a boy who cried wolf. This is not the first wedding that was scheduled that isn't going to happen, as she first announced. Her first actual wedding was the same way- and she has canceled 3 weddings (that I can remember) since for the above mentioned reasons.
My point in re-raising the issue (rather than a masochistic tendency to like to have people rip apart my morals on the internet) was to ask if a (likely pot luck-as her reception after the actual wedding as noted on her fb invite) PPD was a reason not to schedule a wedding and if doing it a day later was sufficient. I am now considering reaching out (nicely with my congratulations on her wedding day) to her and seeing if she was dead set on the date for the reception given the change in plans, and just casually mentioning that we may be thinking about a wedding the next day, but DO NOT want to step on her toes if she is dead set on the date.
After giving it thought, I do foresee that there still may be family conflict if I picked that date without discussing her.
Alright.
This is what you'd like to hear OBVIOUSLY because you completely disregard every single thing that we've told you. You keep returning with "Well but she's planned weddings before and no follow through! Can I still have my wedding on the day I want?" "Well, most of my family doesnt talk to her because of how manipulative she is. So I know most of them will be attending my wedding if they were on the same date."
You pick whatever day you'd like at whatever venue is the most absolute perfect venue for you. To Hell with everybody else. ITS YOUR DAY.
i would not pick that sunday even if she is just doing a renewal and reception on that saturday you will alienate lots of family members who will chose her side over hers because she sent out std first and it was her first date.
i had lots of family that drove in 4+ hours to my wedding which was a saturday night those people woke up the next day and in the afternoon sometime i am assuming most of my family does left to go back home because of work commitments on monday so essentualy you are asking people to take saturday sunday and monday off for your wedding
what about a rehersal dinner? when will you do that or rehersal for your ceremony on friday? when said cousin and her hubby are rehersing for the vow renewal?
people in your family will def take sides and be prepared for a majority of your family on your side not to show up at your wedding
what i would do is contact the venue you fell in love with ask them about friday avaliblities around the time you want to get married a month before a month after.
sometimes people cancel the venue ask venue to contact you if anyone cancels and they have a date open for you
The only reason we would give the cousin different answers if she came and asked what to do is because you can only control your actions, not the actions of others.
my fi and i were in the same boat but decided to put it off until early the following year. we werent going to pick the same day as a cousin but a month apart. it takes away from both weddings. they probably will go to hers over yours because they knew about it before yours.
save your family the drama and hassle and pick another date. I did and saved a lot of family drama.
ok, i mean...strictly under etiquette, regardless of OP's poor attitude, you get one day and your cousin gets one day. From an etiquette stand point, yes OP can have her wedding the next day. However, if she chooses to do that, she cannot:
1) act butthurt if family members decide to go to her cousin's wedding but not hers, because they knew about the cousin's wedding first and don't want to travel another 4 hours that weekend, and
2) be upset if members of her family think she comes off looking like a brat for pulling this on them.
So there is it OP. Regardless of circumstance, that's the answer under etiquette. i definitely wouldn't do this personally, for a number of reasons. Not only because it's not fair to my family, or my cousin who had already sent out STDs for that weekend, but also because it sounds like you were planning a Saturday wedding and are now considering changing it to a Sunday? i would never have a Sunday wedding if i knew that a lot of my guests would have to travel for it, and yes, 4 hours counts as traveling. Now you're not only asking them to go out of their way to attend two family weddings in one weekend, but you're basically also asking them to take Monday off of work for you. No venue is that important to me.
Re: Setting a date that conflicts with other family
All that having been said, could any of you honestly say to me that you wouldn't be at least a little bit pissy if you had to give up a much-preferred date or venue while planning because you had to work around the wedding of a cousin that you're not even that close with, and then it turned out that the cousin wasn't even having her real wedding on that day, but instead a PPD? Because I would be.
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You know what, it's not even the wedding or the date or any of that is so upsetting. It's the attitude of "look at my cousin's horrible life and how terrible it is for me!"
ETF box
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You know what, it's not even the wedding or the date or any of that is so upsetting. It's the attitude of "look at my cousin's horrible life and how terrible it is for me!"
ETF box This is fair. Maybe I'm giving OP too much of the benefit of the doubt because of my own frustrations with scheduling around other family members. And she does seem weirdly tied to this one weekend, when I think we all agree that the reasonable thing to do is to suck it up and find another date. I'm just saying that I understand that finding a date that works for all family VIPs can be a frustrating process, that's all.
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And I can appreciate that. H and I had a list of people that, if they could not attend a particular weekend, then the wedding wasn't happening at that time. Simple as that (no matter HOW much we liked a particular venue, date, etc.).
ETA boxes do not like me today
Actually it's 8 hours because presumably most of these people will need to drive home. There is no way I would attend a wedding on a Saturday, drive 4 hours away for another wedding on a Sunday, and then drive 4 hours home. Depending on the event times it would probably require overnight stays into Monday. Hell to the no.
My original point- which I should have left it at - was she is the girl who cried wedding like there was a boy who cried wolf. This is not the first wedding that was scheduled that isn't going to happen, as she first announced. Her first actual wedding was the same way- and she has canceled 3 weddings (that I can remember) since for the above mentioned reasons.
My point in re-raising the issue (rather than a masochistic tendency to like to have people rip apart my morals on the internet) was to ask if a (likely pot luck-as her reception after the actual wedding as noted on her fb invite) PPD was a reason not to schedule a wedding and if doing it a day later was sufficient. I am now considering reaching out (nicely with my congratulations on her wedding day) to her and seeing if she was dead set on the date for the reception given the change in plans, and just casually mentioning that we may be thinking about a wedding the next day, but DO NOT want to step on her toes if she is dead set on the date.
After giving it thought, I do foresee that there still may be family conflict if I picked that date without discussing her.
I'm going to go against the tide. Even if your cousin is planning a real (not PPD) wedding and even if it's a sure shot, you're free to reserve the following day for your wedding. Not sure if it's wise, though. That depends on whether your family will consider it inconvenient to attend both events. Long distance relatives may appreciate being able to fly into the same area (even with a 4 hour drive between events) to attend two celebrations. Before you put down a deposit, you should check with your VIPs to make sure the date you're considering is going to work for them. Your aunt, for one, might feel like she is being pulled in two directions. Other relatives may feel like you're forcing them to choose between you and your cousin. You will likely have a smaller turnout. So does any of that matter to you?
I think it would be a good idea to give your cousin a heads up that you are considering the same weekend/different day. Who knows, she might show up here complaining that her cousin is trying to steal her thunder or she might think it's great to have two family parties in one weekend. The background info on your cousin is irrelevant.
It's called priorities. If getting pregnant is the priority then the date and wedding venue are not as important and she can find a place and time that works for her.
And again, she doesn't need to be married to get pregnant. TTC just seems like her attempt to rationalize trying to dick over her cousin for her "dream venue" on the date she wants.
Yeah, it's shitty and against etiquette for her cousin to have a PPD, and if the cousin would care to join us we'd be happy to tell her. However OP is still going to look like a petulant child choosing the same weekend for her wedding as her cousins PPD.
Being right or justified doesn't always preclude you from looking like an asshole.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
This is what you'd like to hear OBVIOUSLY because you completely disregard every single thing that we've told you. You keep returning with "Well but she's planned weddings before and no follow through! Can I still have my wedding on the day I want?" "Well, most of my family doesnt talk to her because of how manipulative she is. So I know most of them will be attending my wedding if they were on the same date."
You pick whatever day you'd like at whatever venue is the most absolute perfect venue for you. To Hell with everybody else. ITS YOUR DAY.
ok, i mean...strictly under etiquette, regardless of OP's poor attitude, you get one day and your cousin gets one day. From an etiquette stand point, yes OP can have her wedding the next day. However, if she chooses to do that, she cannot:
1) act butthurt if family members decide to go to her cousin's wedding but not hers, because they knew about the cousin's wedding first and don't want to travel another 4 hours that weekend, and
2) be upset if members of her family think she comes off looking like a brat for pulling this on them.
So there is it OP. Regardless of circumstance, that's the answer under etiquette. i definitely wouldn't do this personally, for a number of reasons. Not only because it's not fair to my family, or my cousin who had already sent out STDs for that weekend, but also because it sounds like you were planning a Saturday wedding and are now considering changing it to a Sunday? i would never have a Sunday wedding if i knew that a lot of my guests would have to travel for it, and yes, 4 hours counts as traveling. Now you're not only asking them to go out of their way to attend two family weddings in one weekend, but you're basically also asking them to take Monday off of work for you. No venue is that important to me.