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Wedding Etiquette Forum
erollis
member
Help! No longer wanting to host shower?
This is the short version with other wedding details excluded.
H and I offered to host a couples shower to our friends getting married. They accepted. Was mentioned that groom was uncertain of a couples shower. Told them a couples shower and not a bridal shower was our gift. Bride has not taken into account our availability at all when hosting the shower. It's mentioned that the shower needs to also be dependent on our schedule since we are hosting. Bride then mentions that it Has To Be on x day and would be good about x time. I ask for list so we can get invitations out for the couples shower. Bride sends list of guests and tells me "the shower will be x date and at x time". Along with that it will be ladies only. Also, said that I can host the "ladies only" shower at brides mothers home if my location is not available (because bride is dictating date and time). Now this is not the gift we offered and they initially accepted. H is still sleeping and I will need to discuss it with him. This shower has been a joint effort between us as we are playing to our strengths during planning. How would we retract our offer if we are able to? I will be an amazing hostess like always even if I do the "ladies only" shower. We need some guidance.
ETA: Please excuse one of my tickers. It wont go away no matter what I do.
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Re: Help! No longer wanting to host shower?
Couples shower issues aside, the bride cannot insist that you host a shower on a day and at a time that doesn't work for you. That's one boundary I think you need to set.
If the day and time the bride wants doesn't work for you, then you can tell her, "I'm sorry, but I am not available at that time. If that's the only time that works for you, then I won't be able to host a shower for you."
Only an ill- mannered bride tries to dictate terms to someone hosting a party for her.
If she prefers only a women only shower, it is your choice to continue or not. I would generally give on this point
. It may be her FI is really uncomfortable with the idea, or they know male guests will be either unlikely to attend, or even insist their girlfriends stay home too, rather than both go.. It may be that some of their close friends and family are not paired up, and will drop out . Given that weddings are couples mostly, I have known bride's friends who often go to showers or pre wedding luncheons etc. then always decline the wedding, because they do not have a SO.
You need to simply propose a few dates to her, politely saying you are able to host the party on these dates, not when she chose. Period. If she declines, no party hosted by you.
Hostesses usually ask bride for a list of her close friends and family. You are not required to invite all of them, or to get a larger place to hold more people. Invite those you wish to invite, then if there may be other shower holders, let them know or let bride know whom you HAVE invited. They can invite others if they want.
Brides don't get to say, invite these 40 people if you want to host 20. Nor can they say, well to have more people, just come to my Mom's place which will hold 65.
If you want to work with Mom, or a single member of the wedding party or some other friend, since your hubby not real interested in a hen party, fine. Your choice. Not bride's choice.
Agreed. You offered a lovely gift, OP. The couple has basically declined your gift and told you that you'd be giving them a different gift. Rude. Just let them know that you are no longer able to host due to the change in plans..
This is how we feel. And yes I would be under a lot of stress because bride would try her darndest to have her hand in everything I do. Groom and bride were more involved then they should of been in the Bachelor party.
----boxes----
Do you offer to throw everybody a shower when they get engaged?
I was actually thinking the same thing. Honestly it sounds like you have kind of pushed this couples shower idea on them. Not everyone is a fan of that format, especially the guys that are forced into mingling with strangers and oohing and aaahing over gifts. Why not just host a traditional bridal shower? You would probably end up with less guests anyways.
I don't think she is coming back. I'm very curious on the issue of why she its pressing hard on a couples shower to only offer it as their gift off she feels the couple might opt for a traditional shower.
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.
As for the why did we "push" a couples shower. It's because groom was Hs best man and H is grooms best man. Bride was my bridesmaid and I'm hers. We both know 80% of thier guests and have met almost all the rest at least once. The people invited (even just the woman) would all know each other. It's not as if anyone would be a stranger.
As stated before the majority of people invited or would have been are in committed relationships. Most are mutual friends.
As for the husband part I don't need him to do things. We work very well together. He wanted to be involved and celebrate the couple too.
Update!
The bride knows I will be hosting a ladies only, traditional bridal shower on the day and time she stated.
I've secured a place to host on the day the bride wants. Aparently it's the only day. I've made room and will be flying into town to get ready and set up instead of driving.
It will be a ladies only shower and my H will be staying back home doing what he needs to do. We both wanted to take back the offer but it's not worth hurting any friendships.
I'm putting just as much effort and care into the ladies only shower. One of the guest's/ mutual friend will still be helping out with the shower since she lives there.
If no guys showed up we wouldn't turn the ladies away or close down the party. It would continue to be the awesome, relaxed party like planned. No cheesy, girly games or being forced to watch someone open gifts.
These friends did not come to the shower because they were out of town.