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Destination Wedding? Suggestions?

BridetoB2016BridetoB2016 member
10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
edited January 2015 in Chit Chat

Well here's my situation: My fiance and I can't really agree on a definitive guest list. He has WAY more friends then I do and he's always been known for throwing huge parties and everything in the past when he was single... so most of his friends are EXPECTING something huge from him. Which kind of makes me feel weird and I already suffer from social anxiety so the whole thing (were not planning on getting married until late 2016) but every time he brings up “wedding talk” I get anxiety. I don't have many friends, seriously only 10 or 15 that I wanted to invite, mostly family... so because of this I wanted a smaller wedding. So we can't really agree on a number. I even brought up the idea to elope! Which obviously didn't fly either haha. SO another idea I had that I actually got him to seriously consider was having an “intimate destination wedding”which would either be Hawaii or somewhere out of the country and include just our immediate family, wedding party, and a few friends.

I was hoping Theknot would have it's own sub forum on destination weddings but I guess it's not that popular so I hope this is the right place to talk about it? Anyway I was wondering if you guys had any suggestions for locations for a “destination wedding” other than Hawaii, OR even better, websites or resources I can check out with like, packages and deals, that would be great! The budget for our wedding locally was going to be between $20-$30k so if we could come in significantly below that, that would be great. Is that possible, or are destination weddings just as expensive, if not more expensive than regular weddings? I have no idea this is my first time asking about them! Any other tips or advice you guys can give me about them would be great! Thanks! :)

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Re: Destination Wedding? Suggestions?

  • JennyColadaJennyColada member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    You can have a DW anywhere that you'd like. We had one in Napa. There are members here that had them anywhere from Mexico to Australia.
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  • BridetoB2016BridetoB2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    JennyColada said:
    You can have a DW anywhere that you'd like. We had one in Napa. There are members here that had them anywhere from Mexico to Australia.
    Ooooooo Napa's a great idea thanks! We've had 2 of our anniversary's there :) We live in Southern California... the main idea why I wanted a "destination wedding" was to make it more expensive for guests to get there that way when people found out where it was and that it was a "small, intimate, destination wedding" they'd be like "oh that's why I didn't get an invite" kind of thing.
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Are you just hoping fewer people will show up if it's a destination, or has he actually agreed to a smaller guest list if it's a DW?

    You can have it anywhere you want, and at any budget, although I'd be more concerned about making sure you're actually on the same page as far as the type of wedding you both want and who you each really want to have there. You shouldn't be forced into making these decisions based on the expectations of people who aren't paying for it, i.e. his friends.
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  • JennyColadaJennyColada member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    It's not really any of their business why they were invited to YOUR wedding or not. You don't need to make an excuse for wanting to keep a wedding intimate.

    Our DW what in the next city over from DH's aunts and grandparents, and we still didn't invite them (it was just us and parents).
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    BridetoB2016 said:

    Well here's my situation: My fiance and I can't really agree on a definitive guest list. He has WAY more friends then I do and he's always been known for throwing huge parties and everything in the past when he was single... so most of his friends are EXPECTING something huge from him. Which kind of makes me feel weird and I already suffer from social anxiety so the whole thing (were not planning on getting married until late 2016) but every time he brings up “wedding talk” I get anxiety. I don't have many friends, seriously only 10 or 15 that I wanted to invite, mostly family... so because of this I wanted a smaller wedding. So we can't really agree on a number. I even brought up the idea to elope! Which obviously didn't fly either haha. SO another idea I had that I actually got him to seriously consider was having an “intimate destination wedding”which would either be Hawaii or somewhere out of the country and include just our immediate family, wedding party, and a few friends.

    I was hoping Theknot would have it's own sub forum on destination weddings but I guess it's not that popular so I hope this is the right place to talk about it? Anyway I was wondering if you guys had any suggestions for locations for a “destination wedding” other than Hawaii, OR even better, websites or resources I can check out with like, packages and deals, that would be great! The budget for our wedding locally was going to be between $20-$30k so if we could come in significantly below that, that would be great. Is that possible, or are destination weddings just as expensive, if not more expensive than regular weddings? I have no idea this is my first time asking about them! Any other tips or advice you guys can give me about them would be great! Thanks! :)

    There actually is a Destination Weddings board, it's just not easy to find: from the community home page, click "Culture & Theme" and it's under there.

    Personally I am not a fan of destination weddings unless the locale actually is really special to the couple.  The destination wedding pushes a lot of the cost onto your guests: travel, hotel, time off of work are all big inconveniences.  It's also kind of an indirect way of saying, "You all aren't that important to us, but we want to be able to say we invited you even though we know a lot of you won't come."  That's the point, right-- your Fi wants to invite a lot of people but you don't want them to actually show up?

    Just have a small wedding.  Discuss the guest list and you anxious feelings with your Fi.  A destination wedding will not fix all of your guest list problems.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @JCBride2015 is right- there is a DW forum. I am able to move your post there if you'd like. 

    I personally had a DW, but I did not have any guests, as we eloped. 

     







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  • BridetoB2016BridetoB2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    lolo883 said:
    Are you just hoping fewer people will show up if it's a destination, or has he actually agreed to a smaller guest list if it's a DW? You can have it anywhere you want, and at any budget, although I'd be more concerned about making sure you're actually on the same page as far as the type of wedding you both want and who you each really want to have there. You shouldn't be forced into making these decisions based on the expectations of people who aren't paying for it, i.e. his friends.

    No he agreed to an intimate guest list (immediate family, wedding party, and a couple friends) if we have a DW.

    I'd prefer a smaller wedding because I only have a few friends, and he'd prefer and larger wedding because he has a ton of friends... and he's ultimately paying for it. So a DW is kind of my sneaking way of getting a small wedding lol.

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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited January 2015
    BridetoB2016 said:

    show previous quotes
    Ooooooo Napa's a great idea thanks! We've had 2 of our anniversary's there :) We live in Southern California... the main idea why I wanted a "destination wedding" was to make it more expensive for guests to get there that way when people found out where it was and that it was a "small, intimate, destination wedding" they'd be like "oh that's why I didn't get an invite" kind of thing.

    - - box?? - -
    If someone gets butthurt that they didn't get invited to your wedding, that's their problem. Do not bend over backwards and force additional expense onto the people who ARE close enough to be invited, just to spare the feelings of some party animals who feel like your FI owes them a great time. That's not what weddings need to be about.
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  • BridetoB2016BridetoB2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    JCbride2015 said:
    show previous quotes
    There actually is a Destination Weddings board, it's just not easy to find: from the community home page, click "Culture & Theme" and it's under there.

    Personally I am not a fan of destination weddings unless the locale actually is really special to the couple.  The destination wedding pushes a lot of the cost onto your guests: travel, hotel, time off of work are all big inconveniences.  It's also kind of an indirect way of saying, "You all aren't that important to us, but we want to be able to say we invited you even though we know a lot of you won't come."  That's the point, right-- your Fi wants to invite a lot of people but you don't want them to actually show up?

    Just have a small wedding.  Discuss the guest list and you anxious feelings with your Fi.  A destination wedding will not fix all of your guest list problems.

    No that's not the point at all... he AGREED to a smaller guest list if we have a DW. We're not going to invite everyone we planned and just "hope" they don't show up. If we have a DW we're ONLY inviting immediate family, wedding party,and a few friends. 
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Why did he only agree to a smaller guest list if it's a DW?
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  • BridetoB2016BridetoB2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    Jells2dot0 said:
    @JCBride2015 is right- there is a DW forum. I am able to move your post there if you'd like. 

    I personally had a DW, but I did not have any guests, as we eloped. 

    Thanks to both of you! I'll go check it out now, maybe I can get some ideas. But if it's okay and you wouldn't mind I'd appreciate it if you left my post here cuz I bet it'll get more replies here?
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  • BridetoB2016BridetoB2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    lolo883 said:
    Why did he only agree to a smaller guest list if it's a DW?

    Not sure... probably because of cost. He knows a DW will be more expensive with flights & hotels and everything then a local wedding so he agreed on a smaller guest list if it's a DW. BUT I still have to convince him lol, it's not like he said he's 100% on board and would prefer this over his bigger wedding 
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  • flutteringinflflutteringinfl member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I'm having a DW in Key West. We chose to have it there because we're based in FL (but a few hours north) and almost all our guests will be traveling from out of state anyway, so we wanted it to be in a place that was both meaningful for us (we had our first vacation there) and somewhere we knew our guests would have plenty to do if they chose to stay longer. We don't feel a whole lot of connection with the city we live in, and only one of our guests lives here as well, so that was another reason we chose to go out of town.

    DW's aren't necessarily less work than an in-town wedding, just to warn you. You still have to contact all the usual vendors, unless you do an all-inclusive venue, which we're not doing.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Sounds to me like you and your FI need to sit down and come to an agreement regarding the size of the guest list and the style of wedding.




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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    holyguacamole79 said:
    Sounds to me like you and your FI need to sit down and come to an agreement regarding the size of the guest list and the style of wedding.
    This. It sounds like you guys need to find a happy medium. Literally. He wants a huge wedding, you want a really intimate one, so why not have a medium one? I agree with lolo, if the location where you're having a DW is really meaningful to you guys then that's great, but to have a DW just to coerce your FI into a smaller wedding-- thus putting huge costs on your guests-- seems kind of not cool to me.
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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    holyguacamole79 said:
    Sounds to me like you and your FI need to sit down and come to an agreement regarding the size of the guest list and the style of wedding.
    This!!!!!
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  • BridetoB2016BridetoB2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    novella1186 said:
    show previous quotes
    This. It sounds like you guys need to find a happy medium. Literally. He wants a huge wedding, you want a really intimate one, so why not have a medium one? I agree with lolo, if the location where you're having a DW is really meaningful to you guys then that's great, but to have a DW just to coerce your FI into a smaller wedding-- thus putting huge costs on your guests-- seems kind of not cool to me.
    No I tried getting him to settle on "happy medium". He want's a 200 person wedding, 50 of them are my family, 25 are my friends and their plus ones (and that's being hopefully, probably half of those people will actually come). So then the other 100 are his family and friends, but MOST of them are his friends. When we tried to cut the list, I cut 5 family members and 15 friends and their plus ones, so now my list was 65 instead of 100. When I asked him to cut his list he couldn't do it because his list is mostly all close friends and he said "you have your family I have my friends" 

    So I tried the whole getting him to agree on a "smaller" wedding and he just can't cut his list! PLUS his argument is that when it comes down to things, after everything we have to pay for, we won't be saving THAT much money by cutting out 50-75 people, and that since HE'S paying for it all, he'd rather them just be there! 
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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    BridetoB2016 said:
    show previous quotes
    No I tried getting him to settle on "happy medium". He want's a 200 person wedding, 50 of them are my family, 25 are my friends and their plus ones (and that's being hopefully, probably half of those people will actually come). So then the other 100 are his family and friends, but MOST of them are his friends. When we tried to cut the list, I cut 5 family members and 15 friends and their plus ones, so now my list was 65 instead of 100. When I asked him to cut his list he couldn't do it because his list is mostly all close friends and he said "you have your family I have my friends" 

    So I tried the whole getting him to agree on a "smaller" wedding and he just can't cut his list! PLUS his argument is that when it comes down to things, after everything we have to pay for, we won't be saving THAT much money by cutting out 50-75 people, and that since HE'S paying for it all, he'd rather them just be there! 
    He who pays gets the say.

    Chip in something and you can decide what happens.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    He is paying for your wedding himself?  That changes things a bit.  He who pays gets to say.  However, if his ignoring your wishes about your wedding is an indication of how you two will deal with future conflicts, I would think about your future before going ahead with these plans.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    larrygaga said:
    show previous quotes
    He who pays gets the say.

    Chip in something and you can decide what happens.

    That was one thing I was wondering when I first read this (who's paying). @larrygaga is right - he (or she) who pays gets a say. I would strongly encourage you two to talk about this seriously (possibly with someone neutral to mediate). It sounds to me like you two need better conflict resolution skills. Also, always assume 100% attendance.




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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You and your FI need to get on the same page. I think it's kind of crappy to pick a DW in hopes that people won't come so you'll have a smaller wedding.
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  • BridetoB2016BridetoB2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    CMGragain said:
    He is paying for your wedding himself?  That changes things a bit.  He who pays gets to say.  However, if his ignoring your wishes about your wedding is an indication of how you two will deal with future conflicts, I would think about your future before going ahead with these plans.
    That's silly...he pays for almost everything in our relationship, that doesn't mean he makes every decision in our relationship. He's probably going to pay for my dress, should I let him pick it out too? 

    And he's NOT ignoring my wishes about our wedding... we're just having trouble coming to an agreement about the guest list. Because again it's OUR wedding, not HIS, not MINE. And we both feel strongly about the size of the list... and again like I said before, he's considering having a smaller DW because that's what I want so he obviously IS considering my wishes. I don't "need to think about my future before I go ahead with these plans"


    Sheesh I come here for advice on ideas and places to go for destination weddings and instead I feel like I'm being judged and looked down upon for even THINKING of having a DW and left to defend my relationship :/ 

    Thanks for the Napa idea and the post about the DW board... I think those were the only two real helpful post I've recieved :( 
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  • BridetoB2016BridetoB2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    You and your FI need to get on the same page. I think it's kind of crappy to pick a DW in hopes that people won't come so you'll have a smaller wedding.
    THAT WASN'T MY FRIGGIN POINT FOR A DW!!


    I said it SEVERAL times and I'll say it ONE LAST TIME...


    If we had a DW we were ONLY going to invite our immediate family, the wedding party, and a few friends, the point was never to invite everyone and hope people don't come... man I feel like i've repeated that all night.... 
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  • lurkergirllurkergirl member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    BridetoB2016 said:

    show previous quotes
    That's silly...he pays for almost everything in our relationship, that doesn't mean he makes every decision in our relationship. He's probably going to pay for my dress, should I let him pick it out too? 

    And he's NOT ignoring my wishes about our wedding... we're just having trouble coming to an agreement about the guest list. Because again it's OUR wedding, not HIS, not MINE. And we both feel strongly about the size of the list... and again like I said before, he's considering having a smaller DW because that's what I want so he obviously IS considering my wishes. I don't "need to think about my future before I go ahead with these plans"


    Sheesh I come here for advice on ideas and places to go for destination weddings and instead I feel like I'm being judged and looked down upon for even THINKING of having a DW and left to defend my relationship :/ 

    Thanks for the Napa idea and the post about the DW board... I think those were the only two real helpful post I've recieved :( 


    You got advice, just not the advice you wanted.




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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    BridetoB2016 said:
    show previous quotes
    That's silly...he pays for almost everything in our relationship, that doesn't mean he makes every decision in our relationship. He's probably going to pay for my dress, should I let him pick it out too? 

    And he's NOT ignoring my wishes about our wedding... we're just having trouble coming to an agreement about the guest list. Because again it's OUR wedding, not HIS, not MINE. And we both feel strongly about the size of the list... and again like I said before, he's considering having a smaller DW because that's what I want so he obviously IS considering my wishes. I don't "need to think about my future before I go ahead with these plans"


    Sheesh I come here for advice on ideas and places to go for destination weddings and instead I feel like I'm being judged and looked down upon for even THINKING of having a DW and left to defend my relationship :/ 

    Thanks for the Napa idea and the post about the DW board... I think those were the only two real helpful post I've recieved :( 
    No one is judging you (OK, I can't speak for all specific posters), we're pointing out how your guests may feel.  

    It just seems like a ridiculous way to solve a problem you're having and on top of that, it directly impacts your guests.  
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It isn't the idea of a destination wedding that is making people are react negatively, it is your reasoning behind WHY you want to have one.
    Go back and read your original post.  It doesn't match your last one.
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