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Opinion Time: How much porn is too much

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Re: Opinion Time: How much porn is too much

  • FI would much prefer being with me than alone with porn, but I know he's watched it and I really don't care if he watches it now because it doesn't interfere with our sex life.   the problem would be if it did.  7 times per day is a definite problem, IMO.

     

    I actually quite enjoy watching it with him - it's a turn on for us both.  If he's gone on a business trip (he leaves sometimes for 2 weeks at a time) - hell yeah I'll watch it alone if I want/need to - he doesn't mind that either. 

    We tried watching it together once. I just laughed the whole time. 
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  • Maybe a more broad question would be who here thinks ANY sexual stimulation outside of spouse sex is bad? Where does someone draw the line on what goes to far, what is and isn't healthy, and why there are lines in the sand?

    That's going to get a lot of different answers.
    Personally - if it's another real life person directing some activity at my H, to which he's responding: that's cheating (i.e. sexting, basketball shorts at the strip club, etc.). If he's reacting to himself or an actor or author who doesn't know he exists, whatever. 

    Again though, if ANYTHING gets to the point that he's ignoring me, we're gonna have a problem.

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  • melbensomelbenso member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2015
    cupcait927 said:
    @hellosweetie1015 join the club. H and I are struggling with our sex life right now and it's all my issues. I feel awful and at the same time, I don't know how to fix it.
    @cupcait927, that's pretty much where we were.  It took me a bit, but I finally figured out I was experiencing some pretty serious depression.  I started counseling a few months ago and it's really been helping.  My counselor has helped me to figure out some of the things that were barriers to me enjoying all sorts of things, including sex with H.  It's not perfect yet, but it's a hell of a lot better.  If nothing else, I feel much more comfortable talking to him about how I feel about these things.  And I found that being comfortable with that has started to make me comfortable asking for things that I want in the bedroom, which is something I used to be really good at and just lost in the depression.  I'm not trying to diagnose you or anything, but seeing a therapist - if you aren't - might help you too.

    ETA - I've also found that as I get more in touch with my feelings, I tend to take things a little more personally than I would under normal, healthy circumstances.  Hence the posting for a reality check here.  I really appreciate the advice from everyone.  I will talk to H about what's I think about this.  I just want to take some time to figure out exactly what I want to say so that I am clear about what I am thinking but he doesn't feel attacked or like his privacy is being invaded.
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  • @melbenso I've definitely gotten to the point where I know I need to see a therapist. I don't know if it's depression, anxiety or just plain old stress but it's taken a toll on a lot of areas of my life, the biggest one being my sex life with H. And it's not fair to him because he's missing out on the physical aspect of our relationship and it's taking a toll on him. He understands but he's frustrated, and understandably so. My goal is to find a therapist and a new OBGYN this month so I can start to figure out solutions to our problem.
  • I don't see strip clubs as cheating, but H doesn't go to them because that's a lot of money down the tubes.

    Sexting I do think is cheating, but that's an active role in a side relationship. Dating a woman he had no sex with would be cheating as well, to me. If we had an open marriage (which we don't and likely never will) and I knew the other woman and knew all about the when/where/how of sex, the sex would not be cheating but any kind of bonding after would be. Masturbation is not cheating, nor the tools needed to get off. Porn, to me, is a tool, not a relationship, kind of like a sex toy.
    I wouldn't take WATCHING at a strip club as cheating. Just... participating. I've heard too many guys say anything "over the shorts" is fair game, but no. No touchy.

    The rest I totally agree.

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  • Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
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  • I wouldn't take WATCHING at a strip club as cheating. Just... participating. I've heard too many guys say anything "over the shorts" is fair game, but no. No touchy.

    The rest I totally agree.
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  • Maybe a more broad question would be who here thinks ANY sexual stimulation outside of spouse sex is bad? Where does someone draw the line on what goes to far, what is and isn't healthy, and why there are lines in the sand?

    That's going to get a lot of different answers.
    Maybe I'm not creative enough here ... but the only options I can think of are sexting and going to a strip club.  I mean, H and I got a couples massage together last week and he was naked under the sheet with a female massage therapist.  But, that wasn't sexual stimulation.  

    For us, it's just each other.  
  • I'd like to weigh in on this... and it might get a little long, and a fair TMI warning.

    I was in a 6 year long relationship before my FI. My ex watched porn with literally every free moment he had.  I could be in the room with him, and he'd be beside me watching porn, but we would still have sex daily.  I was okay with that.

    My FI used to watch porn once or twice a week, but then we wouldn't have sex for months at a time because he was getting his fix elsewhere. We had a long talk about it, and now he doesn't watch porn at all because of the difference in our sex drives.  If he wants sex, he waits for me because it's literally maybe once a week.

    I think it really depends on the person and your feelings on it. Not necessarily the amount, but how it affects you as a couple.
  • larrygaga said:
    Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
    That wouldn't make me happy either.  But the porn makes it more troubling, in large part because he wasn't telling me about it.  Makes me wonder why he feels he had to be so secretive. 
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  • I don't know how much porn h watches or if he even watches any on his own. we've watched it together a few times but that has mainly been to laugh at how cheesey it is. I don't care if he watches it or even if he watches it while I'm home as long as it doesn't effect the rest of our lives. I agree with PPs that if it bothers you you should say something but be reasonable about it. Don't go into the conversation being accusatory or assuming that because he watches it after you go to bed that he would rather do that than be with you.
  • melbenso said:
    That wouldn't make me happy either.  But the porn makes it more troubling, in large part because he wasn't telling me about it.  Makes me wonder why he feels he had to be so secretive. 

    Playing devils advocate here. Maybe he wasn't really being secretive about it. There is a chance he didn't find it important enough to mention. Or maybe he is a little embarrassed. There could be any number of reasons or no reason at all. 

    Also quick question. Why would it bother you if he was staying up late to read or watch tv? Just curious. 
  • larrygaga said:
    Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
    If my H was Netflix binging to the point that we didn't have any quality time together, then yes I'd be upset and say something about it. Same with playing a game on his phone, or me Knotting too much at night. We're comfortable telling each other essentially "hey, put that down and come spend some time with me."

    It's not about what the content of the habit/hobby/vice is, as much as the impact it's having on us. A completely innocuous thing becomes bad if it's at the expense of our relationship.

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  • edited January 2015
    If my H was Netflix binging to the point that we didn't have any quality time together, then yes I'd be upset and say something about it. Same with playing a game on his phone, or me Knotting too much at night. We're comfortable telling each other essentially "hey, put that down and come spend some time with me."

    It's not about what the content of the habit/hobby/vice is, as much as the impact it's having on us. A completely innocuous thing becomes bad if it's at the expense of our relationship.
    This is us, too.  Granted, we are a no-porn couple, but we have instituted some "screen free time" where we both have the iPad and phones put away.  

    ETA:  I admit, if it was porn, I'd be far more upset than if he was goofing around looking up sports stats.  But, we both are getting better at saying "put down your phone when we want real time."
  • Wait... What? He has to close his eyes if boobies are on the tv, like... Like he's a small child?
    He chooses to, he doesn't have to.  I don't think it's something that everyone needs to do by any means, nor do I tell him to.  He certainly has no problem looking at mine!   
  • Wait... What? He has to close his eyes if boobies are on the tv, like... Like he's a small child?
    My ex did this.  He thought porn/onscreen nudity was disrespectful to women and that he should only look at his partner since he was committed and had the right intent.  You have to admit, it's not like porn is really made to show women as intelligent and resourceful individuals--the whole point of porn is kind of objectifying, for men and women (albeit women far more). 

    SO doesn't look at porn because he doesn't like it.  If he looked at it once or twice a week it probably wouldn't bother me too much.  But if it became a daily thing or interfered with our relationship/personal lives?  Yeah, I'd mind it.  Like other posters have said, that goes for anything interferring with a relationship/life.  Porn, gambling, gaming, drinking, Netflix--if it interferes, then it's a problem. 


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  • levioosa said:
    My ex did this.  He thought porn/onscreen nudity was disrespectful to women and that he should only look at his partner since he was committed and had the right intent.  You have to admit, it's not like porn is really made to show women as intelligent and resourceful individuals--the whole point of porn is kind of objectifying, for men and women (albeit women far more). 

    SO doesn't look at porn because he doesn't like it.  If he looked at it once or twice a week it probably wouldn't bother me too much.  But if it became a daily thing or interfered with our relationship/personal lives?  Yeah, I'd mind it.  Like other posters have said, that goes for anything interferring with a relationship/life.  Porn, gambling, gaming, drinking, Netflix--if it interferes, then it's a problem. 
    That's along the lines of my H.  He knows that it doesn't bother me, but he still chooses to close his eyes during a scene in a movie where this happens.  It's not like he shrieks and runs to the other room.  I hardly notice it, to be honest.
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2015
    melbenso said:
    That wouldn't make me happy either.  But the porn makes it more troubling, in large part because he wasn't telling me about it.  Makes me wonder why he feels he had to be so secretive. 
    A lot of guys are embarrassed about it, probably because some women freak out about their guy watching porn. I know H was hesitant to tell me when I flat-out asked him if he had any porn on his computer, but then I told him I asked because I wanted to know what he was into. (This was way back when we first started dating.) Porn doesn't bother me.

    Also, I don't mind when H watches porn while I'm home because I know sometimes you just need a quick fix. I masturbate when he's home too. I COULD go to him, but then we have foreplay and all of that and sometimes I just don't want to take my clothes off and devote time to it, you know? He's the same way. He could walk into my room and ask me for a blow job (which would be fine with me), but it's really just easier for him to jerk off for a couple minutes.

    It hasn't affected our sex life at all, and neither one of us cares that the other does it. I think it's pretty hot, actually. I wish I could catch him in the act.

    So, honestly, it would bother me more that his sleep is being affected, not that it's porn. If he were staying up super late playing WoW, or watching Netflix, or reading a new book series, that would concern me. It's more a matter of him staying up way too late and nodding off during work that would bother me, not the reason for staying up late.
  • He chooses to, he doesn't have to.  I don't think it's something that everyone needs to do by any means, nor do I tell him to.  He certainly has no problem looking at mine!   
    And you don't find this just a little bit ridiculous? A grown ass man closing his eyes during naked lady scenes?

    I'm interested to know what the bolded means, also. Tempts him to what?
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