FI would much prefer being with me than alone with porn, but I know he's watched it and I really don't care if he watches it now because it doesn't interfere with our sex life. the problem would be if it did. 7 times per day is a definite problem, IMO.
I actually quite enjoy watching it with him - it's a turn on for us both. If he's gone on a business trip (he leaves sometimes for 2 weeks at a time) - hell yeah I'll watch it alone if I want/need to - he doesn't mind that either.
We tried watching it together once. I just laughed the whole time.
Maybe a more broad question would be who here thinks ANY sexual stimulation outside of spouse sex is bad? Where does someone draw the line on what goes to far, what is and isn't healthy, and why there are lines in the sand?
That's going to get a lot of different answers.
Personally - if it's another real life person directing some activity at my H, to which he's responding: that's cheating (i.e. sexting, basketball shorts at the strip club, etc.). If he's reacting to himself or an actor or author who doesn't know he exists, whatever.
Again though, if ANYTHING gets to the point that he's ignoring me, we're gonna have a problem.
@hellosweetie1015 join the club. H and I are struggling with our sex life right now and it's all my issues. I feel awful and at the same time, I don't know how to fix it.
@cupcait927, that's pretty much where we were. It took me a bit, but I finally figured out I was experiencing some pretty serious depression. I started counseling a few months ago and it's really been helping. My counselor has helped me to figure out some of the things that were barriers to me enjoying all sorts of things, including sex with H. It's not perfect yet, but it's a hell of a lot better. If nothing else, I feel much more comfortable talking to him about how I feel about these things. And I found that being comfortable with that has started to make me comfortable asking for things that I want in the bedroom, which is something I used to be really good at and just lost in the depression. I'm not trying to diagnose you or anything, but seeing a therapist - if you aren't - might help you too.
ETA - I've also found that as I get more in touch with my feelings, I tend to take things a little more personally than I would under normal, healthy circumstances. Hence the posting for a reality check here. I really appreciate the advice from everyone. I will talk to H about what's I think about this. I just want to take some time to figure out exactly what I want to say so that I am clear about what I am thinking but he doesn't feel attacked or like his privacy is being invaded.
@melbenso I've definitely gotten to the point where I know I need to see a therapist. I don't know if it's depression, anxiety or just plain old stress but it's taken a toll on a lot of areas of my life, the biggest one being my sex life with H. And it's not fair to him because he's missing out on the physical aspect of our relationship and it's taking a toll on him. He understands but he's frustrated, and understandably so. My goal is to find a therapist and a new OBGYN this month so I can start to figure out solutions to our problem.
I don't see strip clubs as cheating, but H doesn't go to them because that's a lot of money down the tubes.
Sexting I do think is cheating, but that's an active role in a side relationship. Dating a woman he had no sex with would be cheating as well, to me. If we had an open marriage (which we don't and likely never will) and I knew the other woman and knew all about the when/where/how of sex, the sex would not be cheating but any kind of bonding after would be. Masturbation is not cheating, nor the tools needed to get off. Porn, to me, is a tool, not a relationship, kind of like a sex toy.
I wouldn't take WATCHING at a strip club as cheating. Just... participating. I've heard too many guys say anything "over the shorts" is fair game, but no. No touchy.
I don't see strip clubs as cheating, but H doesn't go to them because that's a lot of money down the tubes.
Sexting I do think is cheating, but that's an active role in a side relationship. Dating a woman he had no sex with would be cheating as well, to me. If we had an open marriage (which we don't and likely never will) and I knew the other woman and knew all about the when/where/how of sex, the sex would not be cheating but any kind of bonding after would be. Masturbation is not cheating, nor the tools needed to get off. Porn, to me, is a tool, not a relationship, kind of like a sex toy.
I wouldn't take WATCHING at a strip club as cheating. Just... participating. I've heard too many guys say anything "over the shorts" is fair game, but no. No touchy.
Maybe a more broad question would be who here thinks ANY sexual stimulation outside of spouse sex is bad? Where does someone draw the line on what goes to far, what is and isn't healthy, and why there are lines in the sand?
That's going to get a lot of different answers.
Maybe I'm not creative enough here ... but the only options I can think of are sexting and going to a strip club. I mean, H and I got a couples massage together last week and he was naked under the sheet with a female massage therapist. But, that wasn't sexual stimulation.
I'd like to weigh in on this... and it might get a little long, and a fair TMI warning.
I was in a 6 year long relationship before my FI. My ex watched porn with literally every free moment he had. I could be in the room with him, and he'd be beside me watching porn, but we would still have sex daily. I was okay with that.
My FI used to watch porn once or twice a week, but then we wouldn't have sex for months at a time because he was getting his fix elsewhere. We had a long talk about it, and now he doesn't watch porn at all because of the difference in our sex drives. If he wants sex, he waits for me because it's literally maybe once a week.
I think it really depends on the person and your feelings on it. Not necessarily the amount, but how it affects you as a couple.
Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
That wouldn't make me happy either. But the porn makes it more troubling, in large part because he wasn't telling me about it. Makes me wonder why he feels he had to be so secretive.
I don't know how much porn h watches or if he even watches any on his own. we've watched it together a few times but that has mainly been to laugh at how cheesey it is. I don't care if he watches it or even if he watches it while I'm home as long as it doesn't effect the rest of our lives. I agree with PPs that if it bothers you you should say something but be reasonable about it. Don't go into the conversation being accusatory or assuming that because he watches it after you go to bed that he would rather do that than be with you.
Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
That wouldn't make me happy either. But the porn makes it more troubling, in large part because he wasn't telling me about it. Makes me wonder why he feels he had to be so secretive.
Playing devils advocate here. Maybe he wasn't really being secretive about it. There is a chance he didn't find it important enough to mention. Or maybe he is a little embarrassed. There could be any number of reasons or no reason at all.
Also quick question. Why would it bother you if he was staying up late to read or watch tv? Just curious.
Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
If my H was Netflix binging to the point that we didn't have any quality time together, then yes I'd be upset and say something about it. Same with playing a game on his phone, or me Knotting too much at night. We're comfortable telling each other essentially "hey, put that down and come spend some time with me."
It's not about what the content of the habit/hobby/vice is, as much as the impact it's having on us. A completely innocuous thing becomes bad if it's at the expense of our relationship.
Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
If my H was Netflix binging to the point that we didn't have any quality time together, then yes I'd be upset and say something about it. Same with playing a game on his phone, or me Knotting too much at night. We're comfortable telling each other essentially "hey, put that down and come spend some time with me."
It's not about what the content of the habit/hobby/vice is, as much as the impact it's having on us. A completely innocuous thing becomes bad if it's at the expense of our relationship.
This is us, too. Granted, we are a no-porn couple, but we have instituted some "screen free time" where we both have the iPad and phones put away.
ETA: I admit, if it was porn, I'd be far more upset than if he was goofing around looking up sports stats. But, we both are getting better at saying "put down your phone when we want real time."
For us, just regarding pornographic images/video. I don't read erotica, but the few romance novels I've read always have little steamy sex passages (can't really avoid when you're reading along and then all of a sudden the author throws in a sex scene between this husband/wife). But I also don't read romance novels for sexual gratification, either. I don't really prefer romance novels, so I only read them if it's a free Friday book on the nook.... I like kings queens and dragons and knights!
This is the same for us. I've never been one for erotica / romance. When I read, I enjoy non-fiction or a murder mystery. H likes to read science fiction.
H knows himself and knows what tempts him. For him, female nudity in TV / movies is a temptation for him and he either looks away or closes his eyes during those scenes.
Wait... What? He has to close his eyes if boobies are on the tv, like... Like he's a small child?
For us, just regarding pornographic images/video. I don't read erotica, but the few romance novels I've read always have little steamy sex passages (can't really avoid when you're reading along and then all of a sudden the author throws in a sex scene between this husband/wife). But I also don't read romance novels for sexual gratification, either. I don't really prefer romance novels, so I only read them if it's a free Friday book on the nook.... I like kings queens and dragons and knights!
This is the same for us. I've never been one for erotica / romance. When I read, I enjoy non-fiction or a murder mystery. H likes to read science fiction.
H knows himself and knows what tempts him. For him, female nudity in TV / movies is a temptation for him and he either looks away or closes his eyes during those scenes.
Wait... What? He has to close his eyes if boobies are on the tv, like... Like he's a small child?
He chooses to, he doesn't have to. I don't think it's something that everyone needs to do by any means, nor do I tell him to. He certainly has no problem looking at mine!
Wait... What? He has to close his eyes if boobies are on the tv, like... Like he's a small child?
My ex did this. He thought porn/onscreen nudity was disrespectful to women and that he should only look at his partner since he was committed and had the right intent. You have to admit, it's not like porn is really made to show women as intelligent and resourceful individuals--the whole point of porn is kind of objectifying, for men and women (albeit women far more).
SO doesn't look at porn because he doesn't like it. If he looked at it once or twice a week it probably wouldn't bother me too much. But if it became a daily thing or interfered with our relationship/personal lives? Yeah, I'd mind it. Like other posters have said, that goes for anything interferring with a relationship/life. Porn, gambling, gaming, drinking, Netflix--if it interferes, then it's a problem.
Wait... What? He has to close his eyes if boobies are on the tv, like... Like he's a small child?
My ex did this. He thought porn/onscreen nudity was disrespectful to women and that he should only look at his partner since he was committed and had the right intent. You have to admit, it's not like porn is really made to show women as intelligent and resourceful individuals--the whole point of porn is kind of objectifying, for men and women (albeit women far more).
SO doesn't look at porn because he doesn't like it. If he looked at it once or twice a week it probably wouldn't bother me too much. But if it became a daily thing or interfered with our relationship/personal lives? Yeah, I'd mind it. Like other posters have said, that goes for anything interferring with a relationship/life. Porn, gambling, gaming, drinking, Netflix--if it interferes, then it's a problem.
That's along the lines of my H. He knows that it doesn't bother me, but he still chooses to close his eyes during a scene in a movie where this happens. It's not like he shrieks and runs to the other room. I hardly notice it, to be honest.
Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
That wouldn't make me happy either. But the porn makes it more troubling, in large part because he wasn't telling me about it. Makes me wonder why he feels he had to be so secretive.
A lot of guys are embarrassed about it, probably because some women freak out about their guy watching porn. I know H was hesitant to tell me when I flat-out asked him if he had any porn on his computer, but then I told him I asked because I wanted to know what he was into. (This was way back when we first started dating.) Porn doesn't bother me.
Also, I don't mind when H watches porn while I'm home because I know sometimes you just need a quick fix. I masturbate when he's home too. I COULD go to him, but then we have foreplay and all of that and sometimes I just don't want to take my clothes off and devote time to it, you know? He's the same way. He could walk into my room and ask me for a blow job (which would be fine with me), but it's really just easier for him to jerk off for a couple minutes.
It hasn't affected our sex life at all, and neither one of us cares that the other does it. I think it's pretty hot, actually. I wish I could catch him in the act.
So, honestly, it would bother me more that his sleep is being affected, not that it's porn. If he were staying up super late playing WoW, or watching Netflix, or reading a new book series, that would concern me. It's more a matter of him staying up way too late and nodding off during work that would bother me, not the reason for staying up late.
Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
That wouldn't make me happy either. But the porn makes it more troubling, in large part because he wasn't telling me about it. Makes me wonder why he feels he had to be so secretive.
Do you expect him to just
"Oh hey I'm going to go watch porn now"
I mean it really is kind of a private thing. It's really embarrassing for most of the population. He might not tell you because he doesn't think you want to know or would be hurt by it.
I think that good sex lives and good solo time are not mutually exclusive. There are a million reasons people watch porn and masturbate and they don't all have something to do with their partner.
Honestly, and I'm sure I'll be shot right down for this, but I don't think his porn watching is really any of your business. It only becomes your business when it's interfering with your relationship or your daily lives. Which it does sound like it is. Otherwise, he is allowed to not tell you ever time he goes to whack it. And he is probably needed it more, like you said, because your sex lives haven't been great.
You say you aren't bothered by the porn, but if you truly weren't bothered then you wouldn't have made this thread asking everyone else's opinion. You took a good step with seeing a professional to talk about it with, and maybe you should find time to work on your relationship with him and a professional as well!
As a therapist myself, I always try to see both sides of the equation. This is a tactic your counselors will use and also is why I wrote everything I just did. I just wanted to explain why I flip flopped so much.
Would you be just as upset if he was staying up late to watch tv or read?
That wouldn't make me happy either. But the porn makes it more troubling, in large part because he wasn't telling me about it. Makes me wonder why he feels he had to be so secretive.
Do you expect him to just
"Oh hey I'm going to go watch porn now"
I mean it really is kind of a private thing. It's really embarrassing for most of the population. He might not tell you because he doesn't think you want to know or would be hurt by it.
I think that good sex lives and good solo time are not mutually exclusive. There are a million reasons people watch porn and masturbate and they don't all have something to do with their partner.
Honestly, and I'm sure I'll be shot right down for this, but I don't think his porn watching is really any of your business. It only becomes your business when it's interfering with your relationship or your daily lives. Which it does sound like it is. Otherwise, he is allowed to not tell you ever time he goes to whack it. And he is probably needed it more, like you said, because your sex lives haven't been great.
You say you aren't bothered by the porn, but if you truly weren't bothered then you wouldn't have made this thread asking everyone else's opinion. You took a good step with seeing a professional to talk about it with, and maybe you should find time to work on your relationship with him and a professional as well!
As a therapist myself, I always try to see both sides of the equation. This is a tactic your counselors will use and also is why I wrote everything I just did. I just wanted to explain why I flip flopped so much.
1000% agree. Just like it isn't my husband's business to know, say, every time I take a shit, I don't expect to be informed every time he gets a boner. The only reason I even know that my husband watches porn on a semi-regular occasion is because I've seen it in the history when I was looking for something. Do you know what I did when I saw it? Chuckled at the ridiculous titles and went on my merry way. Oh, and also because his ex-girlfriend broke up with him over it, even though it was in no way affecting their relation-shit. She was a psycho though; don't be like her.
Do you know what else I don't get? The whole "I would be so hurt if he watched porn when I was home/in the other room/sleeping etc". Why? I mean if he only watches porn, and doesn't have sex with you, fine. That's a problem. But otherwise, I don't see why this was a big deal. If H woke me up every time he was in the mood, I would fucking cut him.
For us, just regarding pornographic images/video. I don't read erotica, but the few romance novels I've read always have little steamy sex passages (can't really avoid when you're reading along and then all of a sudden the author throws in a sex scene between this husband/wife). But I also don't read romance novels for sexual gratification, either. I don't really prefer romance novels, so I only read them if it's a free Friday book on the nook.... I like kings queens and dragons and knights!
This is the same for us. I've never been one for erotica / romance. When I read, I enjoy non-fiction or a murder mystery. H likes to read science fiction.
H knows himself and knows what tempts him. For him, female nudity in TV / movies is a temptation for him and he either looks away or closes his eyes during those scenes.
Wait... What? He has to close his eyes if boobies are on the tv, like... Like he's a small child?
He chooses to, he doesn't have to. I don't think it's something that everyone needs to do by any means, nor do I tell him to. He certainly has no problem looking at mine!
And you don't find this just a little bit ridiculous? A grown ass man closing his eyes during naked lady scenes?
I'm interested to know what the bolded means, also. Tempts him to what?
Re: Opinion Time: How much porn is too much
ETA - I've also found that as I get more in touch with my feelings, I tend to take things a little more personally than I would under normal, healthy circumstances. Hence the posting for a reality check here. I really appreciate the advice from everyone. I will talk to H about what's I think about this. I just want to take some time to figure out exactly what I want to say so that I am clear about what I am thinking but he doesn't feel attacked or like his privacy is being invaded.
I was in a 6 year long relationship before my FI. My ex watched porn with literally every free moment he had. I could be in the room with him, and he'd be beside me watching porn, but we would still have sex daily. I was okay with that.
My FI used to watch porn once or twice a week, but then we wouldn't have sex for months at a time because he was getting his fix elsewhere. We had a long talk about it, and now he doesn't watch porn at all because of the difference in our sex drives. If he wants sex, he waits for me because it's literally maybe once a week.
I think it really depends on the person and your feelings on it. Not necessarily the amount, but how it affects you as a couple.
Playing devils advocate here. Maybe he wasn't really being secretive about it. There is a chance he didn't find it important enough to mention. Or maybe he is a little embarrassed. There could be any number of reasons or no reason at all.
Wait... What? He has to close his eyes if boobies are on the tv, like... Like he's a small child?
SO doesn't look at porn because he doesn't like it. If he looked at it once or twice a week it probably wouldn't bother me too much. But if it became a daily thing or interfered with our relationship/personal lives? Yeah, I'd mind it. Like other posters have said, that goes for anything interferring with a relationship/life. Porn, gambling, gaming, drinking, Netflix--if it interferes, then it's a problem.