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How to politely "oust" a bridesmaid?

rdixon571rdixon571 member
Third Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
in Wedding Party
I just deleted a whole huge section of text because I realized it didn't really matter, I was just whining and complaining.  (Feel a tad bit lucky that I spared you from that torture! lol)  But here's still a bit of background info...

My best-friend/bridesmaid isn't really my friend anymore.  We've been drifting apart for a years.  We've gone down two totally different life paths and its hard for either of us to relate anymore.  

On top of that she lied about having already ordered her dress 3 times, she's too busy to see me bc of the babies, and she doesn't really care about my wedding probably bc she's too tired from having the babies.

Basically, I don't care about what goes on in her life anymore and I don't want her in my wedding anymore.  Very blunt, I know.  But there's more to the story than you know that's made me come to this conclusion.


Here's the crux...
From the advice from my family and other friends, I gave her a free "out" or a "get out of jail free card" as I like to call it.  I named all her reasons she could get out: having no time because of the babies (a one and a half year old girl and a 2 month old boy), only having 1 car to split between her and her boyfriend, having no money from having two babies, having no money bc they're trying to save for a house, not being able to spend enough time home together with her kids and bf as it is, having no energy from trying to keep up with 2 kids AND work....

Well she said she was sorry for being a shitty friend (very true) and that if I wanted her out of the wedding, she understood.  She didn't take my bait and just agree with me...  she seems to want to make me be the one to say it:  That I don't want her in the wedding.
So how do I say it???  

I was thinking something along the lines of... 
"I've been thinking more about it and I don't want anyone to be stressed out at the wedding.  I think it might be best for both of us if you be a part of my big day by being a VIP guest instead of being a tired/over-worked/stressed bridesmaid."  If we ever hung out anymore, I would suggest we do do something and hang out sometime together as a make-up but she always gives excuses that I can't come over because it's the babies' nap time or something stupid.  And she can't come to me because she has no car and no money to pay a babysitter.  So I can't really suggest a get-together to make up after it.  

What do you think?

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Re: How to politely "oust" a bridesmaid?

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    I always hate reading threads about this because my first thoughts are always "It's a friend issue, which is more important than the wedding issue."

    Since it appears you don't care to no longer have whatever relationship the two of you had together, you can tell her whatever. I definitely wouldn't expect to see or hear from her again, or even be a guest at your wedding should you go through with that.

    ETA:  I have to know though, are you kicking her out of your wedding because she isn't paying enough attention to your "big day"?
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    peachy13 said:
    There's no way to "politely" do this. By asking your "best-friend/bridesmaid" to not be in your wedding, you are ending your friendship with her. If this is what you want, then go ahead and do it, but you should not expect to hug it out after and have a little "get-together to make up after it." 

    On another note, it sounds like your friend has a lot of stress in her life. Young children, no car, tight budget... she's likely lying about the dress because she probably can't afford it (did you ask for her budget?)... these things happen to people when real life sets in and maybe I'm jumping to conclusions about your relationship with her, but I think it's shitty that the only thing you're worried about in this situation is your bridal party.
    Thank you.  I was literally writing a second edit to my post about this.
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  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I think you probably should just kick her out and save her the trouble of having someone in her life who only pretends to be concerned and her friend when in reality you don't seem to understand why babies and money issues take priority over your wedding. 
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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    KatWAG said:
    Anyone else curious about what "whining and complaining" the OP chose to delete?
    Not really. I got my fill of it in the other paragraphs she chose to leave. I'm sure it would TOTALLY justify her kicking her bridesmaid out though.

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  • rdixon571rdixon571 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm sorry, I'm a rambler so I do tend to type more than I should.  

    You can't pretend to understand the kind of friend she is or the kind of friend I am.  You'd like to judge me based on what I said because what I said was blunt and was not very nice.  True, I admit.  

    After 12 years of us being best friends, I'm tired of being the one to pay for everything (lunch, gas, dinner, drinks, movies...), to be the one to go to her when we want to hang out, to be the first to ask if she wants to hang out, to be the first one to text the other to see if they're still alive after 2 months.  We live in different cities so it's not easy for either of us to get together but it's not fair for me to be the only one to be willing to do it.  So we've been drifting apart because of that, not just because she has kids now.

    And if she's not too proud to ask me to pay for lunch and dinner and gas every time we get together but to still buy a $300 purse that same day... Then she shouldn't be too proud to let me pay for her dress when I offered.  And I didn't pick her dress.  She could pick anything that's in the color scheme, even if it's from TJ Maxx, like my MOH did.  So that squashes the money thing.  

    But lying about having already ordered her dress 3 times was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

    If she's waiting to loose weight, she really can't afford to wait because if she's going to order a dress, it's last minute now to order one now.  I had suggested she get sized before she started to show and then order a size or two up.  My mom is a seamstress and could take it in or let it out if necessary.  She looses weight postpartum super fast and had 6 months to fit into whatever size she wanted to order.  But in reality she could have ordered at her maternity size and my mom could have still taken it in.  That squashes the bit about waiting to loose weight first.

    I did say I didn't care but what I really meant was that I'm tired of being the only one putting effort into our friendship.  The wedding and 2nd baby just threw it into sharper perspective.  
    I've been a shitty friend to her lately but she's been a shitty friend for quite a while longer.  

    I was honestly trying to give her an out.  I was reading this article (http://dearwendy.com/fired-from-being-a-bridesmaid/) right before I posted on this forum and I was less demanding as far as wedding stuff goes than the bride in this article.  I only wanted her to order her dress by this month, January, and I gave everyone about 11 months to do that, and that was it.  I made it clear from the beginning.

    Lying about ordering the dress was just the straw that broke the camel's back basically and that's why I gave her an out.  

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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2015
    redoryx said:
    I think you probably should just kick her out and save her the trouble of having someone in her life who only pretends to be concerned and her friend when in reality you don't seem to understand why babies and money issues take priority over your wedding. 
    YES. I was just going to say the same thing. Kick her out. Be honest. Tell her that she can't be a bridesmaid because she can't devote her life to your wedding. She doesn't need a "friend" like you in her life. 
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  • rdixon571rdixon571 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    mikenberger said:
    Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 
    I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  
    Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    rdixon571 said:
    mikenberger said:
    Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 
    I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  
    Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  
     
    ------
     
    This does not surprise me at all, given what a horrible friend you are.
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  • dcbride86dcbride86 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    rdixon571 said:
    mikenberger said:
    Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 
    I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  
    Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  
    Shocker.  Someone who doesn't care at all about her "friend's" real life struggles (having 2 small children, financial problems) because they get in the way of buying a bridesmaid dress doesn't have a lot of close friends?  Color me stunned.

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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    rdixon571 said:
    mikenberger said:
    Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 
    I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  
    Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  

    ----STUCK IN A BOX----

    Should've told your FI "Tough titties, dude." Unfortunately though, you chose her. Now you have to disinvite her. Sorry, that kind of makes you a pretty crappy friend. I know that you two are kind of crappy to each other, but man. Craaaaaa-ppy. Totally. You didn't have to ask her and you did for equal sides. 

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  • rdixon571rdixon571 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I already admitted that.  I also told you she's been a freeloader for 12 years.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    rdixon571 said:
    mikenberger said:
    Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 
    I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  
    Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  
    So you picked people just to have even numbers?  All because your FI wasn't going to allow you to only pick two people?

    You do realize that you are the reason for this situation right?  So you need to suck it up because you did this.  Your friend, or whatever she is, has done nothing wrong to warrant being kicked out of your party.  And since even sides is so important to your FI, if you do kick this person out will he want you to replace her?

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  • dcbride86dcbride86 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    rdixon571 said:
    I'm sorry, I'm a rambler so I do tend to type more than I should.  

    You can't pretend to understand the kind of friend she is or the kind of friend I am.  You'd like to judge me based on what I said because what I said was blunt and was not very nice.  True, I admit.  

    After 12 years of us being best friends, I'm tired of being the one to pay for everything (lunch, gas, dinner, drinks, movies...), to be the one to go to her when we want to hang out, to be the first to ask if she wants to hang out, to be the first one to text the other to see if they're still alive after 2 months.  We live in different cities so it's not easy for either of us to get together but it's not fair for me to be the only one to be willing to do it.  So we've been drifting apart because of that, not just because she has kids now.

    And if she's not too proud to ask me to pay for lunch and dinner and gas every time we get together but to still buy a $300 purse that same day... Then she shouldn't be too proud to let me pay for her dress when I offered.  And I didn't pick her dress.  She could pick anything that's in the color scheme, even if it's from TJ Maxx, like my MOH did.  So that squashes the money thing.  

    But lying about having already ordered her dress 3 times was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

    If she's waiting to loose weight, she really can't afford to wait because if she's going to order a dress, it's last minute now to order one now.  I had suggested she get sized before she started to show and then order a size or two up.  My mom is a seamstress and could take it in or let it out if necessary.  She looses weight postpartum super fast and had 6 months to fit into whatever size she wanted to order.  But in reality she could have ordered at her maternity size and my mom could have still taken it in.  That squashes the bit about waiting to loose weight first.

    I did say I didn't care but what I really meant was that I'm tired of being the only one putting effort into our friendship.  The wedding and 2nd baby just threw it into sharper perspective.  
    I've been a shitty friend to her lately but she's been a shitty friend for quite a while longer.  

    I was honestly trying to give her an out.  I was reading this article (http://dearwendy.com/fired-from-being-a-bridesmaid/) right before I posted on this forum and I was less demanding as far as wedding stuff goes than the bride in this article.  I only wanted her to order her dress by this month, January, and I gave everyone about 11 months to do that, and that was it.  I made it clear from the beginning.

    Lying about ordering the dress was just the straw that broke the camel's back basically and that's why I gave her an out.  


    Wow.  You're a truly horrible friend.  You admitted what you said was not nice - why are you surprised people would call you on that?

     

    I'm somewhat skeptical about her buying $300 purses all the time.  I think you may have just thrown that in there to make yourself look better.

     

    Um, yeah, she might not have been texting you a bunch over the past 2 months if she has a 2 month old baby.  Her baby is slightly more important to you than your wedding (crazy I know). 

     

    How old are you?  I can't imagine an adult who doesn't understand that someone with 2 small children may not be able to put the same kind of effort into traveling to hang out as a single person can.  It's about priorities.  And yours are all sorts of out of whack.   

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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    rdixon571 said:
    I already admitted that.  I also told you she's been a freeloader for 12 years.
    Yeah, but you CHOSE her to be in your bridal party. Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You didn't watch Titanic twice in a row hoping the ship didn't go down, did you?

    Didn't think so. You did this. Now you get to "fix it". Well, about as well as if you only had bandaids for an amputated arm. 

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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2015
    Ok OP, here you go, you want blind validation, here it is: it is totally fine to kick her out. Even though her behaviour didn't bother you the past 11.9 years to mention it to her, the fact you chose her as a prop not as a friend, and she just had a baby, she should have 100% dedicated her life to you. Afterall, it is YOUR day! You are totally not a bad person for wanting everything all the time about you despite your friend needing help...
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  • fwtx5815fwtx5815 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Lurkers: evenness of sides is a non-issue.

    The BEST case scenario when you ask someone to be in your WP just to have even sides, is that your quasi-friendship isn't ruined and you just have a lot of pictures with this not-so-close friend. But at least you have symmetry!!

    ----


     fka dallasbetch 


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