How to politely "oust" a bridesmaid?

redoryx · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

mikenberger said:

Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid???

I didn't really have anyone else to ask. My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister). So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins. He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids. Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.
Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick. We're very close now.

Wait. You only picked her because your FI wouldn't let you pick only 2 girls? No. Just no.

Lurkers: You get to pick your side, your FI gets to pick his/her side. If you each pick different numbers, nbd. DON'T LET THEM BULLY YOU INTO USING PEOPLE LIKE PROPS FOR EVEN SIDES.

climbingsingle · January 2015

Your bridesmaid prop is misbehaving! Fire her. Hire an actor to stand in her place.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Jesus Christ. If she had been freeloading you for 12 years then you shouldn't have been friends, let alone ask her to be a bridesmaid.

Also, FI would get the hell over even sides.

KatWAG · January 2015

OP, how old are you?

Because I would bet good money that you can't legally drink.

db1984 · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

I'm sorry, I'm a rambler so I do tend to type more than I should.

You can't pretend to understand the kind of friend she is or the kind of friend I am. You'd like to judge me based on what I said because what I said was blunt and was not very nice. True, I admit.

After 12 years of us being best friends, I'm tired of being the one to pay for everything (lunch, gas, dinner, drinks, movies...), to be the one to go to her when we want to hang out, to be the first to ask if she wants to hang out, to be the first one to text the other to see if they're still alive after 2 months. We live in different cities so it's not easy for either of us to get together but it's not fair for me to be the only one to be willing to do it. So we've been drifting apart because of that, not just because she has kids now.

And if she's not too proud to ask me to pay for lunch and dinner and gas every time we get together but to still buy a $300 purse that same day... Then she shouldn't be too proud to let me pay for her dress when I offered. And I didn't pick her dress. She could pick anything that's in the color scheme, even if it's from TJ Maxx, like my MOH did. So that squashes the money thing.

But lying about having already ordered her dress 3 times was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

If she's waiting to loose weight, she really can't afford to wait because if she's going to order a dress, it's last minute now to order one now. I had suggested she get sized before she started to show and then order a size or two up. My mom is a seamstress and could take it in or let it out if necessary. She looses weight postpartum super fast and had 6 months to fit into whatever size she wanted to order. But in reality she could have ordered at her maternity size and my mom could have still taken it in. That squashes the bit about waiting to loose weight first.

I did say I didn't care but what I really meant was that I'm tired of being the only one putting effort into our friendship. The wedding and 2nd baby just threw it into sharper perspective.
I've been a shitty friend to her lately but she's been a shitty friend for quite a while longer.

I was honestly trying to give her an out. I was reading this article (http://dearwendy.com/fired-from-being-a-bridesmaid/) right before I posted on this forum and I was less demanding as far as wedding stuff goes than the bride in this article. I only wanted her to order her dress by this month, January, and I gave everyone about 11 months to do that, and that was it. I made it clear from the beginning.

Lying about ordering the dress was just the straw that broke the camel's back basically and that's why I gave her an out.

--STB--

If only you'd told us from the start that she started it, no one would have jumped on you. That changes everything.

NYCMercedes · January 2015

The line I just can't get over is where you said "it was the babies nap time or something stupid like that".

It would be doing her a favor if you kicked her out.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

LondonLisa said:

Just so I am reading this right, you are so upset because your friend doesn't have enough time and money to give you attention 2 months after having a baby and raising another toddler that you want to end your friendship by kicking her out of your wedding? What I am most surprised by is that they let tweens like you get married in your area. I'm not sure where you are from, but in my area 13 year olds cannot get married. I mean, you must be a young adolescent because no self-respecting adult woman would demand attention from her friend right after she gave birth and end a friendship over it.

Being a bridesmaid IS a VIP guest. All they have to do is show up on the day in the dress. Yes, maybe she didn't order it. Did you ever think maybe she was trying to lose baby weight, has post-natal depression or just has a goddamn infant in her house so she isn't sleeping more than 2 hours a night??!

But you know what: you should kick her out and end your friendship. Then she will be able to cut toxic and selfish friends like you out of her life more easily.

I sincerely hope when you have an infant people don't treat you as cruelly as you are treating your friend right now. I wouldn't wish that even on a terrible person, which you are acting like.

Ugh. Just, ugh. What a peach.

rdixon571 · January 2015

Her excuse why we couldn't hang out in her apartment was that it was the baby's nap time. I thought it was a horrible excuse is all. It's not hard to let the baby nap in the crib while we sit in the living room and talk when we have the baby monitor. We don't get to see eachother often so it was the only time we could get together.

She bought a Coach purse that was on sale and a Fox hoodie, yes, before she was pregnant with her 2nd. No, not every time. And no I didn't invite her to lunch. She wanted to go to Babies R Us and Jack and Jill and Osh Kosh so we would go there and then it was past lunch time and she'd tell me she didn't have anything for us for lunch at her place other than leftovers but that she'd rather go to PF Chang's and she'd pay me back.

flantastic · January 2015

Girl.

Things that should have been done:

When you noticed that you were always the one to make the first effort in this friendship, you should have a) stopped making the effort or b) not bitched about it.

When your FI tried to dictate the number of people you could have with you as bridesmaids, you should have stood up to him and told him that you were going to have as many people as you were close to.

Since you did neither of these things, this is your fault. Kick her out and end the friendship, or don't and don't bitch about it. But own that your choices have consequences.

NYCMercedes said:

The line I just can't get over is where you said "it was the babies nap time or something stupid like that".

It would be doing her a favor if you kicked her out.

I'm very sorry that the actual need for someone to care for an infant (not even her preference to be with her child, which would be her right, but an actual need) prevented her from giving you all the attention that everyone owes you.

mikenberger · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Her excuse why we couldn't hang out in her apartment was that it was the baby's nap time. I thought it was a horrible excuse is all. It's not hard to let the baby nap in the crib while we sit in the living room and talk when we have the baby monitor. We don't get to see eachother often so it was the only time we could get together.

She bought a Coach purse that was on sale and a Fox hoodie, yes, before she was pregnant with her 2nd. No, not every time. And no I didn't invite her to lunch. She wanted to go to Babies R Us and Jack and Jill and Osh Kosh so we would go there and then it was past lunch time and she'd tell me she didn't have anything for us for lunch at her place other than leftovers but that she'd rather go to PF Chang's and she'd pay me back.

You just keep getting a bigger shovel to dig yourself a bigger hole.

None of us are going to say what you're doing is a great idea or you're justified. And you don't get any sort of say in how she mothers her child and that she's available when the child is napping. Perhaps she wants to enjoy the peace and quiet of the baby napping or *GASP* take a shower? Or maybe a nap herself?

It's okay to be a crappy friend, but own it. Wear that like it's a crown.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Her excuse why we couldn't hang out in her apartment was that it was the baby's nap time. I thought it was a horrible excuse is all. It's not hard to let the baby nap in the crib while we sit in the living room and talk when we have the baby monitor. We don't get to see eachother often so it was the only time we could get together.

She bought a Coach purse that was on sale and a Fox hoodie, yes, before she was pregnant with her 2nd. No, not every time. And no I didn't invite her to lunch. She wanted to go to Babies R Us and Jack and Jill and Osh Kosh so we would go there and then it was past lunch time and she'd tell me she didn't have anything for us for lunch at her place other than leftovers but that she'd rather go to PF Chang's and she'd pay me back.

Have you ever tried to put a child down for a nap? Often it's not as simple as rocking it to sleep and then laying it down in the crib- BAM! Done. Sometimes it takes hours to put a baby to sleep. . . sometimes it just doesn't happen at all.

What does it matter who pays for what and how often? Is this a friendship or a tally? I couldn't give a flying rat's ass if I had to pay for lunch all of the time for a friend. She's my friend because I love her, not because we take turns buying lunch.

KatWAG · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Her excuse why we couldn't hang out in her apartment was that it was the baby's nap time. I thought it was a horrible excuse is all. It's not hard to let the baby nap in the crib while we sit in the living room and talk when we have the baby monitor. We don't get to see eachother often so it was the only time we could get together.

She bought a Coach purse that was on sale and a Fox hoodie, yes, before she was pregnant with her 2nd. No, not every time. And no I didn't invite her to lunch. She wanted to go to Babies R Us and Jack and Jill and Osh Kosh so we would go there and then it was past lunch time and she'd tell me she didn't have anything for us for lunch at her place other than leftovers but that she'd rather go to PF Chang's and she'd pay me back.

@rdixon571 are you really that dense? I realize that you dont have kids but its not that hard to imagine all that goes into raising and caring for a kid.

And you have absolutely no right to comment on how she spends her money. Its none of your damn business.

Honestly, the more you talk (type,) the worse you sound.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Do her a favor, kick her out and end this friendship.

Look, I get being in a friendship where you feel like someone isn't reciprocating. But if that's the case, its not about the wedding, its about the friendship. If you feel like its dying and are fine with that, cut the cord. It'll save you both some time.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Why did you stay friends with her if you didn't like her "excuses" and her behavior?

redoryx · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Her excuse why we couldn't hang out in her apartment was that it was the baby's nap time. I thought it was a horrible excuse is all. It's not hard to let the baby nap in the crib while we sit in the living room and talk when we have the baby monitor. We don't get to see eachother often so it was the only time we could get together.

She bought a Coach purse that was on sale and a Fox hoodie, yes, before she was pregnant with her 2nd. No, not every time. And no I didn't invite her to lunch. She wanted to go to Babies R Us and Jack and Jill and Osh Kosh so we would go there and then it was past lunch time and she'd tell me she didn't have anything for us for lunch at her place other than leftovers but that she'd rather go to PF Chang's and she'd pay me back.

OHMYGOD HOW DARE SHE BUY A PURSE ON SALE.

Also, you clearly don't have kids or haven't really been around kids that much so STFU about the nap situation. It's not like a mom can just snap her fingers and the kid falls asleep. Also, nap time may be the only time she gets to eat or dress or shower or hell even sleep like a normal person.

KatWAG · January 2015

FWIW, this is me if you fuck with my kids nap schedule. I am not even kidding.

jacobsmawedding15 · January 2015

You sound like the girl who kicked me out her wedding. If you kick her out, she will probably hate you and you won't have her in your life at all. And it will be really really awkward for a very long time. I know from experience.

rdixon571 · January 2015

Sorry, I don't have kids so I don't understand. (lol KatWag, that's a funny gif.) We've decided to wait another 3 years at least. (Ensue snide remarks about not deserving to have children...)

I thought I was giving her an out. But I see it's a lose-lose situation. Either I'm a bitch for keeping her and expecting her to order a dress within 11 months so it comes in on time, or I'm a bitch for asking her to step down.

But yes, I admit I was bitchy in my self-justification. Must've been a PMS thing. Don't know what to tell you. (Ensue snide remarks about just trying to backtrack and be justified.)

But I will never admit I was wrong in having an even number of bridesmaid and groomsmen. That was one of the only things my fiance asked for so yes, I compromised and let him pick the number of girls we have in the bridal party.

flantastic · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Sorry, I don't have kids so I don't understand. (lol KatWag, that's a funny gif.) We've decided to wait another 3 years at least. (Ensue snide remarks about not deserving to have children...)
I thought I was giving her an out. But I see it's a lose-lose situation. Either I'm a bitch for keeping her and expecting her to order a dress within 11 months so it comes in on time, or I'm a bitch for asking her to step down.
But yes, I admit I was bitchy in my self-justification. Must've been a PMS thing. Don't know what to tell you. (Ensue snide remarks about just trying to backtrack and be justified.)

But I will never admit I was wrong in having an even number of bridesmaid and groomsmen. That was one of the only things my fiance asked for so yes, I compromised and let him pick the number of girls we have in the bridal party.

That was a silly thing for him to ask for. Just because people you love want something silly doesn't mean you should cave. If it affected literally nothing, that would be one thing, but it actually affects these three bridesmaids, who I guess would have an inkling that you didn't actually ask them because you care about having them with you on your wedding day.

If you truly cared about having her with you on your wedding day, whether or not she'd ordered the damn dress would be less of an issue, because you'd be willing to have her there with or without the dress.

No one is going to give you trouble for not wanting kids right away, but they will for pretentiously assuming you know what it's like and where parents' priorities should be.

KatWAG · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Sorry, I don't have kids so I don't understand. (lol KatWag, that's a funny gif.) We've decided to wait another 3 years at least. (Ensue snide remarks about not deserving to have children...)
I thought I was giving her an out. But I see it's a lose-lose situation. Either I'm a bitch for keeping her and expecting her to order a dress within 11 months so it comes in on time, or I'm a bitch for asking her to step down.
But yes, I admit I was bitchy in my self-justification. Must've been a PMS thing. Don't know what to tell you. (Ensue snide remarks about just trying to backtrack and be justified.)

But I will never admit I was wrong in having an even number of bridesmaid and groomsmen. That was one of the only things my fiance asked for so yes, I compromised and let him pick the number of girls we have in the bridal party.

No one said you didnt deserve to have kids, but you do have a lot of learning to do before you get there.

Why cant you just pick a color and let her find one that fits her budget? Did you say in another one of your thread that you wanted blush dresses that were all different styles?

But if you really dont like her and you really dont want to be friends with her, then this isnt about the wedding. Its about your friendship being over. Call her and tell her.

rdixon571 · January 2015

Flantastic, he's got sone OCD tendencies. It was a major thing for him even though it wasn't for me. I asked the twins to join because of what they mean to my fiancé and what they will hopefully mean to me one day. I thought it was a good idea at the time.
KatWag, my MOH got her dress from TJ Maxx and I'm totally okay with it. If she found any short blush/ivory/cream/champagne from anywherw I'd be happy.

MobKaz · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Sorry, I don't have kids so I don't understand. (lol KatWag, that's a funny gif.) We've decided to wait another 3 years at least. (Ensue snide remarks about not deserving to have children...)
I thought I was giving her an out. But I see it's a lose-lose situation. Either I'm a bitch for keeping her and expecting her to order a dress within 11 months so it comes in on time, or I'm a bitch for asking her to step down.
But yes, I admit I was bitchy in my self-justification. Must've been a PMS thing. Don't know what to tell you. (Ensue snide remarks about just trying to backtrack and be justified.)

But I will never admit I was wrong in having an even number of bridesmaid and groomsmen. That was one of the only things my fiance asked for so yes, I compromised and let him pick the number of girls we have in the bridal party.

You do realize that when you kick your freeloading BM out of the wedding party, your sides will be uneven again, right? Oh, wait.....let me guess. You will then offend another "friend" by replacing the freeloader with the new BFF. "Well, you weren't good enough the first time around, but now I need you as a prop and a number". Awesome.

rdixon571 · January 2015

Lol yes. I already talked to my new-but-not-good-enough-the-first-time bff. She understands the situation I'm in and would love to be in or out of the bridal party, she doesn't care. I didn't know her well enough 1.5 years ago to ask and I talked to her about that too. But she knows and understands it all. And she's mature enough to not get mad at being in or out of the bridal party, as my other friend-but-really-anymore friend is as well.

But I think my end decision is going to be to apologize to my existing bridesmaid about being bitchy/"needy" and keeping her on board and buying her dress for her. My "new and improved bf" totally gets it no matter what I decide. Unlike telephone tough guys that don't fully get it.
(Ensue snide remarks about me being snide, and about hiring her as a prop and about having you pity on both girls for being my "friend")

But yep, waiting on kids til I'm about 30. Should be kitchen design department manager by then, be into our 3rd home and have a sizeable nest egg. (Wow, I'm not 13?!?)
(Ensue snide remarks about how I should act my age.)

mikenberger · January 2015

I gotta admit, you've handled the heckling in stride. I mean, you're still an awful friend, but kudos. Most posters would've called us mean, rude and stomped off by now.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Flantastic, he's got sone OCD tendencies. It was a major thing for him even though it wasn't for me. I asked the twins to join because of what they mean to my fiancé and what they will hopefully mean to me one day. I thought it was a good idea at the time. KatWag, my MOH got her dress from TJ Maxx and I'm totally okay with it. If she found any short blush/ivory/cream/champagne from anywherw I'd be happy.

Having an actual diagnosis isn't an excuse for being rude and using people as props, imo.

If he doesn't actually have OCD and he's just anal retentive, it's still not an excuse for being rude and using people as props, imo.

rdixon571 said:

Lol yes. I already talked to my new-but-not-good-enough-the-first-time bff. She understands the situation I'm in and would love to be in or out of the bridal party, she doesn't care. I didn't know her well enough 1.5 years ago to ask and I talked to her about that too. But she knows and understands it all. And she's mature enough to not get mad at being in or out of the bridal party, as my other friend-but-really-anymore friend is as well. But I think my end decision is going to be to apologize to my existing bridesmaid about being bitchy/"needy" and keeping her on board and buying her dress for her. My "new and improved bf" totally gets it no matter what I decide. Unlike telephone tough guys that don't fully get it. (Ensue snide remarks about me being snide, and about hiring her as a prop and about having you pity on both girls for being my "friend") But yep, waiting on kids til I'm about 30. Should be kitchen design department manager by then, be into our 3rd home and have a sizeable nest egg. (Wow, I'm not 13?!?) (Ensue snide remarks about how I should act my age.)

That sounds very nice of you. I hope she accepts the offer.

rdixon571 · January 2015

mikenberger said:

I gotta admit, you've handled the heckling in stride. I mean, you're still an awful friend, but kudos. Most posters would've called us mean, rude and stomped off by now.

It was not a fun day at work either. I worked an hour and a half of overtime that wasn't expected so now I'm enjoying a whole bottle of wine (a small bottle that's only 4% but nonetheless)

I'm kinda slightly a little tad bit proud of myself for not flying off the handle. It's easy to be a telephone tough guy or an internet bully when anyone only knows part of the story. It's harder to be objective. I try but am not always. Which is why I ask for advice on these columns.

But that's why it took me so long to kind of come to the conclusion that I did. I figure I can pay for her dress, her possible money problem and my problem with her procrastination is solved. And the rest of the dissolving friendship stuff will work itself out.

I really could care less about who's in my photos and who's not 10 years down the road. I'll only care to remember how much fun we had, I don't care about the formal photos.

And they say you change friends every 7 years or so... so we've had a good run. Chances are that even my sister won't be around by then (That's just her nature. She flies away and I'm rooted like a tree) My one friend and I are going down two opposite life-paths and neither of us can relate to the other. But I'll let it flow away in the summer breeze rather than wisk up a storm to quicken the destruction. (That must be the wine talking.... the poetic metaphors, lol)

rdixon571 · January 2015

Okay then, since my conclusion still isn't acceptable, then what do you think I should do @PrettyGirlLost?

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Okay then, since my conclusion still isn't acceptable, then what do you think I should do @PrettyGirlLost?

LRN2READ?

"That sounds very nice of you. I hope she accepts the offer."

rdixon571 · January 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

rdixon571 said:

Okay then, since my conclusion still isn't acceptable, then what do you think I should do @PrettyGirlLost?

LRN2READ?

"That sounds very nice of you. I hope she accepts the offer."

It sounded like sarcasm to me, hence the reason I asked.

jacques27 · January 2015

rdixon571 said:

Sorry, I don't have kids so I don't understand. (lol KatWag, that's a funny gif.) We've decided to wait another 3 years at least. (Ensue snide remarks about not deserving to have children...)
I thought I was giving her an out. But I see it's a lose-lose situation. Either I'm a bitch for keeping her and expecting her to order a dress within 11 months so it comes in on time, or I'm a bitch for asking her to step down.
But yes, I admit I was bitchy in my self-justification. Must've been a PMS thing. Don't know what to tell you. (Ensue snide remarks about just trying to backtrack and be justified.)

But I will never admit I was wrong in having an even number of bridesmaid and groomsmen. That was one of the only things my fiance asked for so yes, I compromised and let him pick the number of girls we have in the bridal party.

Seriously? Did you seriously just blame your self-serving and ignorant excuses on PMS?

This is why I doubt we'll ever have a female president, because women continue to perpetuate the myth that for a week every 28 days we're just gol' darn incapable of rational, civil, selfless thought as our ability to control our emotions waxes and wanes with our contracting uteri.

Honestly, you've given some pretty weak and pretty ignorant reasoning for dumping your friend (I don't have children, but I know darn well how much work they are). It makes you sound selfish, petulant, and superficial. So while I normally err on the side of trying to help people work through their ignorance to better understand what the other side might be going through, I think this may be a lost cause. Cut her loose. You're doing her a favor.

But don't pretend for one minute that you can do this and still be "nice", because it's not a nice thing you're doing. Don't just wait it out and do the slow fade. Don't put this on her and "give her an out". That's just being weak and pathetic and not taking ownership of YOUR DECISION. Be a grown-up, take ownership of the decision, and just end the friendship.

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