Parents refusing to attend wedding?

MollyandD · January 2015

You probably don't care about my opinion, but I would strongly recommend waiting to get married. My now husband and I were long distance for 4 years of our relationship. You are so young now, and while you may think you know what you want now, it could change. And if it doesn't change, great! Then you're relationship should still be good and happy and waiting to marry won't matter.

ETA: I just have to ask how old you are, 16 or 17? Either way, I really think you should wait to get married. My mom was 100% ready to get married to her first husband when she was 17 too. And my little sister felt that way when she got married at 18 to her first husband. I know you are not the same person, but being "ready" as a teenager doesn't really mean you're ready. I'm not judging your relationship. I'm only saying that if it's real, it'll still be there in 5 years.

You asked what you can do to have your parents attend and speak to you again. My advice is to tell them you will have a long engagement and wait at LEAST 4 years. Don't get married before you can legally drink. (I don't drink, but at least I legally can if I want.)

lyndausvi · January 2015

hails110613 said:

I'm so torn by this. I'm in college at the moment. I will be getting married in about a year and a half, at that time I will be 18 and entering my junior year of college (I began college early). When I told my parents that fi and I were engaged, they completely lost it, which I could understand. Honestly, I never imagined myself getting married at 18, but circumstances and feelings change. I am so extremely excited, and my friends and fi's parents support us 110%. We are paying for the wedding by ourselves, we have living arrangements, both of us have well-paying jobs. You have well paying jobs at age 16-17? The main reason why were not waiting a few years (as I know will be suggested, lol) is because my parents are moving to another state around the same time. They were expecting me to come with them, but I love where I live now, I don't want to transfer schools, and I definitely don't want to live that far away from the man I'm going to marry. well that is just a silly reason. By then you will be 18 and under no obligation to move with your parents. Save up from your well paying jobs to rent an apartment or share a place with someone.   We are also both devout Christians, therefore living together before we're married is not an option. That's cool. There is no rule you need to live together before marriage.    We both feel 100% ready and prepared for this. You are 16-17 years old. Of course you are 100% ready and prepared for this. I tried to explain all this to my parents, but they wouldn't listen. Well they have 16-17 years on you. They've been there, done that. They know what is waiting ahead for you. My parents don't believe in marriage, much less at a young age. So I'm guessing your parents are not devout Christians then. Just speculating, I'v never heard of a devout christian being against marriage. Maybe the difference in religion is the problem.My mom and I have always been close, but she won't even look at me now. She even said to not bother putting them on the invite list, as they will not be attending. A lot can happen in a year and a half.

I don't understand why they're being so immature about this. yeah, I'm not sure they are the ones being immature here.   My older brother had kids and was a high school dropout before he was 18, and they never were this upset with him (despite his less than favorable odds, my brother is an amazing husband/dad who provides beautifully for his family). good for him. Doesn't mean they think it's the right path for you. I respect their opinion on not supporting us getting married, however, I would think they'd at least want to come to their daughters wedding. again a lot can happen in the next 1.5 years. Maybe give them some time.

If not, I want my future FIL to walk me down the isle, but I know if my mom finds out, she'll be even more furious that I had someone other than my biological father walking me down the isle. I'm honestly so hurt over this. I have full intentions to continue with mine and my parents relationship, but I can't force them to have contact with me (especially if they're hours away).  Is there anything I can say or do that might encourage them to come or at least start speaking to me again?

MollyandD · January 2015

@lyndausvi‌ brought up a good point that I forgot to mention. You have well-paying jobs? Really? I find it hard to believe but let's pretend it's true. So then get an apartment and don't move with your mom and dad. You don't have to get married just to keep from moving away.

mikenberger · January 2015

Your parents are smart people. You should listen to them more often.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

OP, if you're mature enough to get married, you're mature enough to understand that the odds are against you. Big time. A lot can change in 1, 2, 5 years, especially at your age. If you and your boyfriend are solid and are really ready to do whatever it takes to make it work, why not wait? Why not build a solid foundation first and give yourselves time to grow up? There's a million good reasons to wait. The only reasons not to seem to be convenience.

lyndausvi · January 2015

surprise, surprise a DD

mikenberger · January 2015

lyndausvi said:

surprise, surprise a DD

But she's SO mature.

Parents just don't understand.

climbingsingle · January 2015

No. Just no.

I'm sorry, but there's no way a 16 year old attending college has a well-paying job. You can't convince me of that.

What's the rush? If you have such a well-paying job, rent your own place and live by yourself. The reasons you stated and not reasons to get married.

KatWAG · January 2015

I really want to know what a "well paying job" means to a 16 year old.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Well, we'll see where you are in 1.5 years since you can't legally get married until then anyway.

I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend when I was 17 and thought he was the best thing ever. Glad I didn't because my now DH is 100X better. Things REALLY change. For everyone - neither of you are immune to this. As @ShesSoCold said, if you're truly mature enough to get married, you understand that and you understand that the odds aren't in your favor. That is not a challenge for you to be like "but I can BEAT the odds!!" It's just a reality that your chances of staying married are slim.

Your parents aren't "immature" for not supporting the idea that a 16 year old wants to get married. They're realistic. If you're mature enough to get married, you should be able to level with them. The fact that you can't is a red flag for YOU, not them.

MGP · January 2015

I am saying this with all the respect (and concern) in the world - no one born in 1998 should be planning a wedding.

OP - Do. Not. Get. Married. Any. Time. Soon. It may seem like it is TRUE LOVE FOR REALLZ right now but there is so much to look forward to in the future without the challenges of a young marriage on your plate.

You have a LOT of tasks on your to do list of life before even considering getting married. Get educated. Find what you love to do and establish a career. Save money for a nest egg. Move out of your parent's home and live as a self supporting adult. These things will make you grow and change so much in a good way. If this guy is the one, he will be the one in five or ten years. If he is not, a broken engagement is always better than a bad marriage.

Please, please, please take the advice of these ladies.

KatWAG · January 2015

She better be nice to her parents because she is going to them to sign off on her marriage certificate.

MobKaz · January 2015

Molly&Domenic said:

@lyndausvi‌ brought up a good point that I forgot to mention. You have well-paying jobs? Really? I find it hard to believe but let's pretend it's true. So then get an apartment and don't move with your mom and dad. You don't have to get married just to keep from moving away.

HUGELY presumptuous on my part, but OP said, "living together prior to marriage" is NOT an option. I have to wonder if some of the motivation is s.e.x. There are ways to share housing and still remain "devout", OP. I also wonder where FI currently lives? If he lives at home, the OP, with her "good paying job" should be able to find a studio or campus apartment that is affordable. OP, are your parents currently paying for any of your schooling? If you marry, you will probably risk losing those funds.

KatWAG · January 2015

MobKaz said:

Molly&Domenic said:

@lyndausvi‌ brought up a good point that I forgot to mention. You have well-paying jobs? Really? I find it hard to believe but let's pretend it's true. So then get an apartment and don't move with your mom and dad. You don't have to get married just to keep from moving away.
HUGELY presumptuous on my part, but OP said, "living together prior to marriage" is NOT an option. I have to wonder if some of the motivation is s.e.x. There are ways to share housing and still remain "devout", OP. I also wonder where FI currently lives? If he lives at home, the OP, with her "good paying job" should be able to find a studio or campus apartment that is affordable. OP, are your parents currently paying for any of your schooling? If you marry, you will probably risk losing those funds.

i dont think that is a giant leap, more like a little hop.

thespeshulestsnowflake · January 2015

Am I the only one wondering how old the BF is?

MollyandD · January 2015

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

Am I the only one wondering how old the BF is?

I asked before the delete, but she never answered.

chibiyui · January 2015

You know, it's entirely possible to live by yourself while attending college, or get roommates without dicks attached to them.

Please don't get married now OP. Cause if you do, this situation is heading for The Nests Marriage problems board and fast.

JaniV123 · January 2015

My best advice as a young bride is WAIT. I have been with my now FI for 7.5 years. We too wanted to get married at 18 and whatnot but it was not an option and we wanted to make sure this was right.

We almost broke up 3 times during our college years and even a few months before getting engaged. We had to go to couple's therapy and WORK on our issues, which were brought up mainly because we were still growing up and because we had gotten accustomed to certain things because we grew up together as teenagers.

Waiting 5 more years will not be a big deal, it will be a learning experience and show you who you really are and give you room to grow up.

lkmkmlkm · January 2015

^ We also have been together since 2007, when we were 16 and 17. Broke up for 6 months during college as well. Your wedding can wait, and if you are as well grounded as you are saying you are you should know your money can be spent in better ways right now. Travel. Get your own place. Save up to pay your future loans off. Do anything BUT get married. We're now 23 and 24, but are still going to wait another 2 years until our wedding. There's no rush, you have forever to enjoy each other, don't you?

Also- as someone else mentioned, marriage will change your financial aid (a big reason why we are waiting). School's more important, and your man should know that.

emmiejayne · February 2015

As an engaged 19 year old, I get where the OP is coming from. Feels like the whole world is against you, no one understands, etc, but seriously, getting married at 16 is not a good idea. Heck, getting married before you're out college isn't a fantastic idea.

If it's real, wait. I've been with my OH for 4 and a bit years, and we're still learning things about each other, which is WHY we're waiting.

Your parents see this as a car-crash waiting to happen, and they don't want to be a part of it. Listen to them, speak to them, try to understand their reasoning, and you might learn a lot about life in general.

Parents refusing to attend wedding?

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