What Etiquette Breaches Did TK Save You From?

poodledoodleooo · January 2015

Just my two cents on the Head Table issue - I don't think it's technically against etiquette. Miss Manners once said that at dinner parties you're actually supposed to separate couples. Something to do with improving the conversation topics. Not sure what she says about this exact rule for weddings, but as a wedding dinner is basically, you know a dinner, I can't imagine that "must be sat next to spouse" is a rule.

I would definitely take your bridal parties situations/preferences into consideration, but I just don't think this is as a hard and fast rule as some of you knotties are making it out to be. Personally, I don't mind not sitting next to Fi, but I'm the sort of person who adores small talk and mingling and meeting new people. I would have no problem going to a wedding solo - I'm a big girl, I can deal with it - and I'll see Fi later on in the night.

lovegood90 · January 2015

sjf2715 said:

Just my two cents on the Head Table issue - I don't think it's technically against etiquette. Miss Manners once said that at dinner parties you're actually supposed to separate couples. Something to do with improving the conversation topics. Not sure what she says about this exact rule for weddings, but as a wedding dinner is basically, you know a dinner, I can't imagine that "must be sat next to spouse" is a rule.

I would definitely take your bridal parties situations/preferences into consideration, but I just don't think this is as a hard and fast rule as some of you knotties are making it out to be. Personally, I don't mind not sitting next to Fi, but I'm the sort of person who adores small talk and mingling and meeting new people. I would have no problem going to a wedding solo - I'm a big girl, I can deal with it - and I'll see Fi later on in the night.

The thing is, etiquette is about common sense and making your guests the most comfortable. What makes sense about seating every single guest with their SOs/families except your nearest and dearest guests that you are honouring (aka your bridal party)? What part of this arrangement is about their comfort?

ohannabelle · January 2015

sjf2715 said:

Just my two cents on the Head Table issue - I don't think it's technically against etiquette. Miss Manners once said that at dinner parties you're actually supposed to separate couples. Something to do with improving the conversation topics. Not sure what she says about this exact rule for weddings, but as a wedding dinner is basically, you know a dinner, I can't imagine that "must be sat next to spouse" is a rule.

I would definitely take your bridal parties situations/preferences into consideration, but I just don't think this is as a hard and fast rule as some of you knotties are making it out to be. Personally, I don't mind not sitting next to Fi, but I'm the sort of person who adores small talk and mingling and meeting new people. I would have no problem going to a wedding solo - I'm a big girl, I can deal with it - and I'll see Fi later on in the night.

You may separate couples at a very formal sit down dinner by the etiquette tradition of female guest of honor to the host's right, secondary female guest of honor to the host's left, and their spouses in the same position to the hostess.

But couples are never separated by different tables.

I'd bet my left shoe that Miss Manners never suggested such a thing.

poodledoodleooo · January 2015

I get it and I agree - but I'm not uncomfortable sitting with strangers. I'm sure others are in the same boat. Like i said, obviously, additional considerations need to be made. Are all the spouses familiar with other folks at the wedding? Are there little kids involved? Are spouses comfortable being alone? These are just things to consider.

Personally, I wanted a sweetheart table, in part so my sister could sit next her kids and so my friends could be with their spouses. But my bridal party (and fiance) all wanted a head table. I guess because they are a part of the bridal party, and you know, wanted to spend that day and those moments with us.

Just so ya know, my sister's kids will be with her husband as well as her husbands parents - the kids very loving grandparents - so it works. And he's not abandoned. Just saying, it's definitely something to think about, but I don't think it is a hard rule.

lyndausvi · January 2015

sjf2715 said:

Just my two cents on the Head Table issue - I don't think it's technically against etiquette. Miss Manners once said that at dinner parties you're actually supposed to separate couples. Something to do with improving the conversation topics. Not sure what she says about this exact rule for weddings, but as a wedding dinner is basically, you know a dinner, I can't imagine that "must be sat next to spouse" is a rule.

I would definitely take your bridal parties situations/preferences into consideration, but I just don't think this is as a hard and fast rule as some of you knotties are making it out to be. Personally, I don't mind not sitting next to Fi, but I'm the sort of person who adores small talk and mingling and meeting new people. I would have no problem going to a wedding solo - I'm a big girl, I can deal with it - and I'll see Fi later on in the night.

Yes at a dinner party that is acceptable. But what you don't do is tell 98% of the guests they will get to sit with their guests and other 3% they don't. It's all or nothing.

By your logic, the wedding couple should be separated also.

That is the issue I have. EVERYONE else gets to sit with their SO except these few nearest and dearest to you.

IT MAKES NO SENSE. None.

I have yet to hear a good argument on why these few people are told they can't, but everyone else does.

ETA - I forgot to agree that when you separate couples is just separting seats, not sat at completely different tables.

lovegood90 · January 2015

sjf2715 said:

I get it and I agree - but I'm not uncomfortable sitting with strangers. I'm sure others are in the same boat. Like i said, obviously, additional considerations need to be made. Are all the spouses familiar with other folks at the wedding? Are there little kids involved? Are spouses comfortable being alone? These are just things to consider.

Personally, I wanted a sweetheart table, in part so my sister could sit next her kids and so my friends could be with their spouses. But my bridal party (and fiance) all wanted a head table. I guess because they are a part of the bridal party, and you know, wanted to spend that day and those moments with us.

Just so ya know, my sister's kids will be with her husband as well as her husbands parents - the kids very loving grandparents - so it works. And he's not abandoned. Just saying, it's definitely something to think about, but I don't think it is a hard rule.

So...getting ready with you, standing next to you as you committed your love to your spouse, taking pictures that will last forever, dancing all night- wasn't considered "spending the day" with you?

I'm really not trying to sound bitchy, but I just can't wrap my head around this logic. It's so, so silly.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

sjf2715 said:

I get it and I agree - but I'm not uncomfortable sitting with strangers. I'm sure others are in the same boat. Like i said, obviously, additional considerations need to be made. Are all the spouses familiar with other folks at the wedding? Are there little kids involved? Are spouses comfortable being alone? These are just things to consider.

Personally, I wanted a sweetheart table, in part so my sister could sit next her kids and so my friends could be with their spouses. But my bridal party (and fiance) all wanted a head table. I guess because they are a part of the bridal party, and you know, wanted to spend that day and those moments with us.

Just so ya know, my sister's kids will be with her husband as well as her husbands parents - the kids very loving grandparents - so it works. And he's not abandoned. Just saying, it's definitely something to think about, but I don't think it is a hard rule.

Yes, this makes sense. I feel so much closer to people when I sit and watch them eat. Really, when you think about it, eating is one of the most intimate things you can do with another person and to eat all in a row is a beautiful thing. People can eat with their spouses all the time. It's YOUR DAY, dammit, they're going to eat with YOU!

plainjane0415 · January 2015

marie2785 said:

hsgator said:

marie2785 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

marie2785 said:

lyndausvi said:

marie2785 said:

It's saved me from the cash bar my FI wanted and from having a 3 hr gap between ceremony and reception, but also made me accept a few etiquette breaches that I know I am going to have at my wedding. For example, FI and my parents are INSISTENT on having beer and wine for the whole wedding, but also serving 2 signature cocktails only during cocktail hour. I lost that battle since it was 3 against 1, but I fought hard (parents are paying for the reception, so it's not something I can change on my own).

I am excluding SOs from the head table. Reasoning--if I include them, I also need to add 10+ kids to the head table since we're inviting children, and 4 of the groomsmen have 2-4 kids each, many of which are at an age which they cannot be left unattended. The venue does not have a good way to do a 30+ person head table or captains table.

So why have a HT at all? I'm sure your GM's wives would be happy not to have to sit with the kids all by themselves. I know I would be giving stink eye to my husband up at a HT while I have to deal with the kids alone. Which BTW since he was in the WP, I'm sure at that point it would have been HOURS I was left alone with them, not just dinner.

Just my 2 cents

When I asked, all of the SOs said to do the table and told me I was over thinking it. The groomsmen and their wives are adults (in their 40s) who have a bunch of friends at the wedding--NONE of them will be alone. So yea, they thought it was rude I even asked (one wife jokingly asked me if I really thought she wasn't capable of making friends or getting along with a few people there she knows...)

Plus we're also offering free childcare at the hotel, and on site at the reception. We have a full separate room with a TV, dvd player, WIFI, separate TV with whatever video game system my brother brings, and board games for all of the kids, along with a infant and child CPR-certified babysitter at the reception site. I think adults will be hanging out there too. The venue even offered to serve the kids food there if the kids wanted to hang in the play room all night. So the wives wont be stuck with the kids forever.

It doesn't matter what you think, or even what your bridal party thinks. Just because people do it that way, doesn't mean it's not rude. Bridal party members should sit with their SO at dinner. We don't care what you do, but it's important to tell people the correct etiquette for lurkers.

Um, I am pretty sure at no point did I say "this isn't rude", in fact, I openly called it out as an etiquette mistake I am making, which means I KNOW it can be perceived as rude, and likely will be by some guests. But, I did as much due diligence as possible to minimize the etiquette mistake, which I think is important to note when other posters gave me recommendations which I had already explored. Is this generally rude? Yes. Will some of my guests potentially see this as something rude I did to the wedding party? Yes. When my venue gave me my options, did I check with the SOs of the wedding party who assured me they preferred the "rude" method vs being split up into sweetheart tables? Yes.

So TLDR, it's rude and I know it, but I did my best to minimize the effects. And in an imperfect world, sometimes that's the best you can do.

The best you could do in this situation would be to sit at a sweetheart table or one of the regular guest tables and let your wedding party sit at regular tables with their SO's and family. Is someone forcing you to do a head table?

The best option according to etiquette rules is in fact what you say above. But the best option for the groomsmen and their wives was to keep the head table according to them. So given the option between etiquette and the feelings of those affected, I went for the feelings of those affected.

When I asked the wives (as I said above) I got mildly offended answers from all of them. If I now do a sweetheart table, I will get hell for disregarding their feelings and not trusting that they're being honest. And honestly--pissing these women off is way scarier than making an etiquette mistake.

And why are you friends with them?

amelisha · January 2015

I'm not touching this head table silliness, other than to note that I don't understand why so many things that would be rude in any other situation seem to still happen at weddings...

But TK taught me that thank-you cards for attending (not for a gift or card received) is a no-no because it looks gift-grabby, like a reminder that they DIDN'T send anything.

I'm having a small DW and don't expect to receive any gifts (as I think is usual for DWs), so I had originally thought I would send out "thanks for coming!" cards afterward, but now I'm worried it might be perceived the wrong way so I'm going to do something else beforehand instead (probably chocolate/and or wine in everyone's rooms on arrival with a thank you note, as we'll only have about ten couples.)

flantastic · January 2015

sjf2715 said:

I get it and I agree - but I'm not uncomfortable sitting with strangers. I'm sure others are in the same boat. Like i said, obviously, additional considerations need to be made. Are all the spouses familiar with other folks at the wedding? Are there little kids involved? Are spouses comfortable being alone? These are just things to consider.

Personally, I wanted a sweetheart table, in part so my sister could sit next her kids and so my friends could be with their spouses. But my bridal party (and fiance) all wanted a head table. I guess because they are a part of the bridal party, and you know, wanted to spend that day and those moments with us.

Just so ya know, my sister's kids will be with her husband as well as her husbands parents - the kids very loving grandparents - so it works. And he's not abandoned. Just saying, it's definitely something to think about, but I don't think it is a hard rule.

I am uncomfortable. Not in the sense that I can't handle it, but in the sense that I hate it. It's work for me, and unless I'm at work I don't want to do it.

I also would hate sitting with my husband's parents without my husband, for reasons having to do with MIL's personality, regardless of how much they love the kids. It also wouldn't be their responsibility to watch my kids. It is mine and my husband's.

At most weddings, the B&G don't usually get to spend a lot of time sitting and eating with their table, unless they're hosting the reception poorly. There really is no compelling argument for seating your WP with you and without their SOs.

Seriously, why did you ask for your WP's input? Just seat them with their SOs and I guarantee they'll be okay with that arrangement. They may be blowing smoke up your ass about being okay with it if you don't.

luckysnorkel · January 2015

flantastic said:

sjf2715 said:

I get it and I agree - but I'm not uncomfortable sitting with strangers. I'm sure others are in the same boat. Like i said, obviously, additional considerations need to be made. Are all the spouses familiar with other folks at the wedding? Are there little kids involved? Are spouses comfortable being alone? These are just things to consider.

Personally, I wanted a sweetheart table, in part so my sister could sit next her kids and so my friends could be with their spouses. But my bridal party (and fiance) all wanted a head table. I guess because they are a part of the bridal party, and you know, wanted to spend that day and those moments with us.

Just so ya know, my sister's kids will be with her husband as well as her husbands parents - the kids very loving grandparents - so it works. And he's not abandoned. Just saying, it's definitely something to think about, but I don't think it is a hard rule.

I am uncomfortable. Not in the sense that I can't handle it, but in the sense that I hate it. It's work for me, and unless I'm at work I don't want to do it.
I also would hate sitting with my husband's parents without my husband, for reasons having to do with MIL's personality, regardless of how much they love the kids. It also wouldn't be their responsibility to watch my kids. It is mine and my husband's.
At most weddings, the B&G don't usually get to spend a lot of time sitting and eating with their table, unless they're hosting the reception poorly. There really is no compelling argument for seating your WP with you and without their SOs.
Seriously, why did you ask for your WP's input? Just seat them with their SOs and I guarantee they'll be okay with that arrangement. They may be blowing smoke up your ass about being okay with it if you don't.

To the bolded: That is SUCH a good point. DH and I spent maybe... 10 minutes at our table during the reception? We shoveled our dinner into our faces and then spent the rest of the night busy with table visits, general mingling, and dancing.

buttercup1958 · January 2015

hsgator said:

buttercup1958 said:

I said don't ask because V had an awful time. His friends asked him to play guitar and he felt like he couldn't say no. It was on a beach and V is ginger so he was very burnt. He never got a thank you note or anything. I just think its a lot to ask someone if they could play and act like its no big deal. If your friend regularly plays in front of a lot of people they don't know, sure! But if they are like V who really only play with friends, I would avoid asking. That's just my personal opinion.

Someone should buy V some sunscreen! Just sayin'.

This was before I met him! Every time we go out, I have to ninja attack him to put it on. He hates the way it feels but I still make him wear it. No cancer for you!

larrygaga · January 2015

A cash bar OMG it's so common where I'm from that I actually never knew it was bad. I always had an off feeling about it, but I never really minded them and I still don't. As long as I'm properly hosted elsewhere.

Many of my friends and family believe that I'm fancy, loaded and spending a buttload on my wedding because I'm having an open bar. We are that used to cash bars.

adettma32 · January 2015

These are the etiquette blunders I grew up with and either didn't plan to do/was "saved" from doing.

-Cash Bars - Not something we ever were planning on doing, but it was all I knew for a long time. I remember being so PUMPED the first wedding I went to that I didn't have to pay for alcoholic drinks.

-Tiered Receptions - This is another thing that I saw over and over growing up. It was the norm in my city for people to be invited to the ceremony and dancing, but not dinner. Before coming to TK, I had an idea that this was rude but hadn't thought much about it. I now realize truly how much of a gift grab that is. "Hey, I don't want to pay for you to eat, but please bring me a gift and come to my cash bar later! Kthxbye!" I was SO happy to avoid any pressure from my family to do this by having our wedding away from my home town.

-Head Table without SO - This one of the things that I was actually considering before coming to TK. After reading about it from you girls and really thinking how much less enjoyable a wedding would be to me if FI was at a head table and I was sat with people I didn't really know after not being with him the entire day, I decided a King's Table is a much better option!

-Not asking BM dress budget's before starting to look - I was NEVER asked a budget in any of the 4/5 previous weddings I was in so I never thought to ask my girls theirs until I was lurking around these boards. I've asked budgets individually and decided anyway to just give them guidelines and let them pick their own dresses.

allispain · January 2015

buttercup1958 said:

hsgator said:

buttercup1958 said:

I said don't ask because V had an awful time. His friends asked him to play guitar and he felt like he couldn't say no. It was on a beach and V is ginger so he was very burnt. He never got a thank you note or anything. I just think its a lot to ask someone if they could play and act like its no big deal. If your friend regularly plays in front of a lot of people they don't know, sure! But if they are like V who really only play with friends, I would avoid asking. That's just my personal opinion.

Someone should buy V some sunscreen! Just sayin'.

This was before I met him! Every time we go out, I have to ninja attack him to put it on. He hates the way it feels but I still make him wear it. No cancer for you!

Ugh, I have to do the same with DH. He hates the feel and the smell, but I always insist :-)

AuroraRose41 · January 2015

Also not going to touch the head table thing, but going back to the original discussion (I haven't done any of this yet since it's too early, but I probably would have had it not been for TK):

1. Putting "Black Tie Optional" on invites, or even "Black Tie" without meeting all of the requirements for a black tie event.

2. Not asking bridesmaids what their budget is prior to selecting a dress

3. Dictating bridesmaids hair, makeup, nails, shoes without paying (I decided that having them look and feel like themselves is so much more important to me and will not in any way ruin pictures or invalidate my marriage)

4. The importance of a prompt thank you note

5. Putting the ceremony time early so that everyone was there on time

And I learned what a PPD was, although I never even considered it. I didn't even know that people actually did that!

JellyBean52513 · January 2015

ohannabelle said:

sjf2715 said:

Just my two cents on the Head Table issue - I don't think it's technically against etiquette. Miss Manners once said that at dinner parties you're actually supposed to separate couples. Something to do with improving the conversation topics. Not sure what she says about this exact rule for weddings, but as a wedding dinner is basically, you know a dinner, I can't imagine that "must be sat next to spouse" is a rule.

I would definitely take your bridal parties situations/preferences into consideration, but I just don't think this is as a hard and fast rule as some of you knotties are making it out to be. Personally, I don't mind not sitting next to Fi, but I'm the sort of person who adores small talk and mingling and meeting new people. I would have no problem going to a wedding solo - I'm a big girl, I can deal with it - and I'll see Fi later on in the night.

You may separate couples at a very formal sit down dinner by the etiquette tradition of female guest of honor to the host's right, secondary female guest of honor to the host's left, and their spouses in the same position to the hostess.
But couples are never separated by different tables.
I'd bet my left shoe that Miss Manners never suggested such a thing.

I hate for you to lose your shoe, but, I am 99% confident that I have read that when it comes to entertaining/hosting, it is proper to seat spouses away from each other in order to encourage conversation and mingling, and to avoid introverted conversations between the married/partnered people who sit beside each other.

Here's a quick excerpt from where I read this (click for the rest of the article):

It is not only at state dinners, but at any properly run dinner party that couples are seated apart from each other.

ETA: not saying I agree with this... because I don't. The Kings and Queens of Etiquette don't get to claim that my wanting to sit next to my partner during dinner is a sign of mistrust, and to mock the idea that we "can't bear to sit apart for the length of a meal." That, to me, is extremely judgy and rude. If I cannot sit either directly beside or directly across from my partner at dinner, we're just gonna text each other the whole time and talk shit about how much it sucks to be sat apart.

lyndausvi · January 2015

JellyBean52513 said:

ohannabelle said:

sjf2715 said:

Just my two cents on the Head Table issue - I don't think it's technically against etiquette. Miss Manners once said that at dinner parties you're actually supposed to separate couples. Something to do with improving the conversation topics. Not sure what she says about this exact rule for weddings, but as a wedding dinner is basically, you know a dinner, I can't imagine that "must be sat next to spouse" is a rule.

I would definitely take your bridal parties situations/preferences into consideration, but I just don't think this is as a hard and fast rule as some of you knotties are making it out to be. Personally, I don't mind not sitting next to Fi, but I'm the sort of person who adores small talk and mingling and meeting new people. I would have no problem going to a wedding solo - I'm a big girl, I can deal with it - and I'll see Fi later on in the night.

You may separate couples at a very formal sit down dinner by the etiquette tradition of female guest of honor to the host's right, secondary female guest of honor to the host's left, and their spouses in the same position to the hostess.
But couples are never separated by different tables.
I'd bet my left shoe that Miss Manners never suggested such a thing.

I hate for you to lose your shoe, but, I am 99% confident that I have read that when it comes to entertaining/hosting, it is proper to seat spouses away from each other in order to encourage conversation and mingling, and to avoid introverted conversations between the married/partnered people who sit beside each other.

Here's a quick excerpt from where I read this (click for the rest of the article):

It is not only at state dinners, but at any properly run dinner party that couples are seated apart from each other.

ETA: not saying I agree with this... because I don't. The Kings and Queens of Etiquette don't get to claim that my wanting to sit next to my partner during dinner is a sign of mistrust, and to mock the idea that we "can't bear to sit apart for the length of a meal." That, to me, is extremely judgy and rude. If I cannot sit either directly beside or directly across from my partner at dinner, we're just gonna text each other the whole time and talk shit about how much it sucks to be sat apart.

but that doesn't change the fact that at social events or state dinners you do not tell 98% of your guest list they will and 2% they don't get to.

It's all or nothing. Not some random choosing for a select few to get the shaft.

dcbride86 · January 2015

lyndausvi said:

JellyBean52513 said:

ohannabelle said:

sjf2715 said:

Just my two cents on the Head Table issue - I don't think it's technically against etiquette. Miss Manners once said that at dinner parties you're actually supposed to separate couples. Something to do with improving the conversation topics. Not sure what she says about this exact rule for weddings, but as a wedding dinner is basically, you know a dinner, I can't imagine that "must be sat next to spouse" is a rule.

I would definitely take your bridal parties situations/preferences into consideration, but I just don't think this is as a hard and fast rule as some of you knotties are making it out to be. Personally, I don't mind not sitting next to Fi, but I'm the sort of person who adores small talk and mingling and meeting new people. I would have no problem going to a wedding solo - I'm a big girl, I can deal with it - and I'll see Fi later on in the night.

You may separate couples at a very formal sit down dinner by the etiquette tradition of female guest of honor to the host's right, secondary female guest of honor to the host's left, and their spouses in the same position to the hostess.
But couples are never separated by different tables.
I'd bet my left shoe that Miss Manners never suggested such a thing.

I hate for you to lose your shoe, but, I am 99% confident that I have read that when it comes to entertaining/hosting, it is proper to seat spouses away from each other in order to encourage conversation and mingling, and to avoid introverted conversations between the married/partnered people who sit beside each other.

Here's a quick excerpt from where I read this (click for the rest of the article):

It is not only at state dinners, but at any properly run dinner party that couples are seated apart from each other.

ETA: not saying I agree with this... because I don't. The Kings and Queens of Etiquette don't get to claim that my wanting to sit next to my partner during dinner is a sign of mistrust, and to mock the idea that we "can't bear to sit apart for the length of a meal." That, to me, is extremely judgy and rude. If I cannot sit either directly beside or directly across from my partner at dinner, we're just gonna text each other the whole time and talk shit about how much it sucks to be sat apart.

but that doesn't change the fact that at social events or state dinners you do not tell 98% of your guest list they will and 2% they don't get to.

It's all or nothing. Not some random choosing for a select few to get the shaft.

This. I've been to super fancy dinners at embassies, and they always separate SOs - but literally ALL of the SOs are separated. It's a way to get people to mingle and network. If I were one of the only ones separated, I would feel SO awkward.

lyndausvi · January 2015

dcbride86 said:

lyndausvi said:

but that doesn't change the fact that at social events or state dinners you do not tell 98% of your guest list they will and 2% they don't get to.

It's all or nothing. Not some random choosing for a select few to get the shaft.

This. I've been to super fancy dinners at embassies, and they always separate SOs - but literally ALL of the SOs are separated. It's a way to get people to mingle and network. If I were one of the only ones separated, I would feel SO awkward.

And correctly if I'm wrong, aren't you normally sitting at the same table? I know sometimes the hosts and/or guests of honor might split up, but it's my understanding most of the couples are sitting at least at the same table.

dcbride86 · January 2015

lyndausvi said:

dcbride86 said:

lyndausvi said:

but that doesn't change the fact that at social events or state dinners you do not tell 98% of your guest list they will and 2% they don't get to.

It's all or nothing. Not some random choosing for a select few to get the shaft.

This. I've been to super fancy dinners at embassies, and they always separate SOs - but literally ALL of the SOs are separated. It's a way to get people to mingle and network. If I were one of the only ones separated, I would feel SO awkward.

And correctly if I'm wrong, aren't you normally sitting at the same table? I know sometimes the hosts and/or guests of honor might split up, but it's my understanding most of the couples are sitting at least at the same table.

I've only been to 2 events like this, but I was at a totally different table both times (I'm certainly not a socialite - just a DC girl whose dad works in politics and mom does work with some high-profile charities). I actually went with a parent and not an SO either time, but it was actually fine. Nobody is sitting with their SO, so everyone is much more social. Plus, DC is the land of networking, so everyone is good at sparking up conversation. And one time I got to sit next to a prior presidential candidate! So the randomness is actually pretty cool (if you're a nobody like me, anyway)

ohannabelle · January 2015

I've absolutely seen couples seated apart from each other, but never at separate tables. But I also don't go to huge black tie events. Only one wedding that would definitely qualify. Smaller formal dinner parties, not a real issue. I've been seated across from my date, or with a person between us, which is fun and does encourage conversation. At a wedding, I would treat it more like a dinner party, and seat family and friends together where they'd be most comfortable. Because weddings are family occasions more than networking gala things.

(Somewhere I had an old etiquette book showing actual seating charts. 1950, I think. It's actually pretty funny reading. And makes me happy not to be a 1950s hostess.)

flutteringinfl · January 2015

TK has been great! Because of them, I won't be changing from a full bar to beer/wine only halfway through. It'll be one or the other (hopefully full!) throughout the evening.

I also learned about not adding registry info to STD's or invites. I honestly thought that was what you were supposed to do before I came here.

flantastic · January 2015

I realized I never mentioned the thing from the OP:

The gap. We were going to get married at this church, and the church would not let weddings begin past 2 PM. That was the situation. I knew I didn't like the idea of a gap, but my dad would have insisted because he wanted to be sure we had the wedding of our dreams, if that included an evening reception, and that people are used to the gap.

TK gave me the ammo to convince him that A ) it was not all about me B ) I was okay with that and C ) I would be perfectly happy with a more afternoony reception.

charcoalandblush · January 2015

A new one - my MOH is throwing me a shower and asked who I wanted to invite to the shower. I said basically all of the ladies on my mom's wedding invite list who live in town. She replies: "ok, I'll call your mom to see who else she wants to invite that isn't invited to the wedding." NOOOO!

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226 · January 2015

peachy13 said:

Putting attire information on my reception insert of the invitation and my website (TK website really tricks you!!) I'm getting married this Halloween and everyone keeps asking if we're doing costumes, which we're not.

Also charity donations as favors.

I REALLY wanted a Halloween wedding (no costumes) and my fiancé said no

afaber24 · January 2015

TK saved me from.....

--Partial cash bar. It's been partial cash bar (only beer and wine hosted) at at least 30 of the 40 or so weddings I've attended

--Matching jewelry as BM gifts

--Dollar Dance (always hated it!)

--Requiring specific shoes, hair, nails, etc. I had to tell BM's at least 5 times "whatever you want" because they have never been able to choose before.

--Honeymoon fund. Yikes!

--Asking people to help

Didn't get here in time to save me from....

The gap! Eww, but it was only an hour. Everyone hung out and caught up with family in the hotel bar. I apologized about it to several folks and everyone said they didn't mind. But of course they did!

SP29 · January 2015

There were some blunders I was honestly considering, and some that I weren't, but was so used to seeing that I thought were just fine:

-Partial cash bar (I've been to weddings with toonie bars, or where tickets are given and then you pay if you want more)

-Head table without SOs --> but according to my family it's what USUALLY happens :P.

-Matching BMs jewellery (and dresses) --> At first I really loved the matching jewelry sets on Etsy, but then I realized it's not cool to get the same gift. I originally didn't care about BM dresses, but became more open once on here, particularly with my mom saying, "But why don't the dresses match???"

-WP doing everything for you --> Because c'mon, that's what they're there for right!?!?

- Gaps. Every wedding I've been to has had a gap.

- Honeyfunds --> I was actually always uncomfortable with these, but now I know why!

- B-Listing --> the thought crossed my mind once, but once I learned what it "meat" I quickly thought Heck No! One of my friends admits to B-listing and has even recommended it to another friend. I then politely tried to put in my "nooooo! don't do it!"

- Not inviting ALL SOs --> we have a guy friend who lives with another guy friend, but he also has a girlfriend who still lived with her parents at the time. We only know her through him, and at first were only going to invite the two guys. Glad I learned how wrong that is, and I'm glad we invited her, because she's a friend now. Now it seems an utter no-brainer.

It really is crazy what bad etiquette advice gets spewed into people's heads. It's no wonder we get the same crazy posts on here time and time again. You've got the wedding industry, family and friends all telling you, "It's YOUR day", "but EVERYONE does it!".

dcbride86 · January 2015

afaber24 said:

TK saved me from.....
--Partial cash bar. It's been partial cash bar (only beer and wine hosted) at at least 30 of the 40 or so weddings I've attended
--Matching jewelry as BM gifts
--Dollar Dance (always hated it!)
--Requiring specific shoes, hair, nails, etc. I had to tell BM's at least 5 times "whatever you want" because they have never been able to choose before.
--Honeymoon fund. Yikes!
--Asking people to help

Didn't get here in time to save me from....
The gap! Eww, but it was only an hour. Everyone hung out and caught up with family in the hotel bar. I apologized about it to several folks and everyone said they didn't mind. But of course they did!

@afaber24 - I recently sent my BMs an email asking them to wear any style shoes (flats, heels, wedges) in a neutral color or silver - but also said if they didn't own any shoe in any neutral (black, brown, nude) or silver to let me know and we would figure something out. I immediately got several texts from BMs saying things like "YOU MEAN I GET TO WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES?!" I was amazed. How many BMs dictate the shoes?

For nails, I want to ask them to just wear any light/neutral color or no polish, and I'm also offering to pay for manicures before the rehearsal. I feel like that isn't too crazy of a request, but maybe it is?

[Deleted User] · January 2015

dcbride86 said:

afaber24 said:

TK saved me from.....
--Partial cash bar. It's been partial cash bar (only beer and wine hosted) at at least 30 of the 40 or so weddings I've attended
--Matching jewelry as BM gifts
--Dollar Dance (always hated it!)
--Requiring specific shoes, hair, nails, etc. I had to tell BM's at least 5 times "whatever you want" because they have never been able to choose before.
--Honeymoon fund. Yikes!
--Asking people to help

Didn't get here in time to save me from....
The gap! Eww, but it was only an hour. Everyone hung out and caught up with family in the hotel bar. I apologized about it to several folks and everyone said they didn't mind. But of course they did!

@afaber24 - I recently sent my BMs an email asking them to wear any style shoes (flats, heels, wedges) in a neutral color or silver - but also said if they didn't own any shoe in any neutral (black, brown, nude) or silver to let me know and we would figure something out. I immediately got several texts from BMs saying things like "YOU MEAN I GET TO WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES?!" I was amazed. How many BMs dictate the shoes?

For nails, I want to ask them to just wear any light/neutral color or no polish, and I'm also offering to pay for manicures before the rehearsal. I feel like that isn't too crazy of a request, but maybe it is?

If one of your bridesmaids wears neon green nail polish, will that nullify your wedding? Don't dictate nail polish, please.

What Etiquette Breaches Did TK Save You From?

Re: What Etiquette Breaches Did TK Save You From?

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