Wedding Party

Bridesmaid Headpiece

I know that we, as brides, cannot/shouldn't dictate how our bridesmaids wear their hair, and I did not intend to.  However, does this rule extend to a headpiece?  One of my BM's emailed me that she was going to wear a piece of crochet lace in her hair as part of her hairstyle.  My wedding is navy and gold, and the BMs dresses are a boatneck, very preppy style (think Kate Spade), and my wedding dress is satin, and there's no lace at all at any of the wedding.  I responded with a question about whether she thinks it would match the dresses and she responded with "Why do I need to match your wedding?" 

Am I allowed to tell her that the lace thing is a no-go?  Or at the very least that everybody should do it or nobody?  They are all wearing the same dress, have the same jewelry (I bought them jewelry as part of their gift), can do their own makeup/pick out their own (gold) shoes, and I'm paying for all of the hair.  I think it would look odd with the dresses and would look strange to have one BM (not the MOH) with a headpiece and the rest?  I feel like I should compromise here but I'm not sure how to approach it. 

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Re: Bridesmaid Headpiece

  • Nobody will notice if one person's hair is different.  Not one person will notice.  So, no - don't tell her it's not allowed.  Just let her wear the crochet lace in her hair
  • No, you don't get to dictate this. I guarantee that what she wears on her head will not ruin your wedding. If it does, your priorities need to be rearranged because you're doing it wrong.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • Unless it's some huge crazy Vegas headdress, I doubt anyone will even notice it. Don't worry about the BM wearing something in her hair. It's HER hair. This is one of those things that your life will become much easier if you just realize it's not worth caring about and move on. 
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  • Have you ever noticed any hair pieces, jewelry or other accessories of BMs in weddings? Probably not. Everyone is focused on the bride. 

    I can almost guarantee that literally not one person is going to say/think "there is no lace anywhere in this wedding and that BM's head piece doesn't match."

    To try and micro manage this is pretty close to bridezilla territory. Just let her wear it. Who cares? Focus on your own attire.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • This is a non issue.

  • edited June 2015
  • All of you BMs are going to look differently from each other because they're different people (that you love!). So this is not a problem. If she puts the head piece on with her dress and it doesn't look good she probably won't want to wear it.

    I can guarantee though that she's not going to stick her head on your tablecloths and make sure it matches your wedding colors. Because that would be ridiculous. Tell her you're sure she'll look beautiful.



    Anniversary
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  • Sorry, this is the OP and I feel I need to defend myself from some random hate that I didn't anticipate.  The jewelry I got my bridesmaids is a 14K gold necklace (as PART of their gift), my bridesmaids actually picked wearing gold shoes because 3 of 4 of them have them in their closet already, and they picked the dress -- and explicitly said they wanted to all wear the same dress, maybe it's an age thing?  All of us have been in weddings where we have to pick our own and it is terrible to coordinate -- it's much easier if you're a busy mom or busy professional to just have a dress and buy it.

    The piece of lace looks like a wedding veil (and I'm not wearing one), so I think it would just look very odd to have a BM wearing what looks like a bridal headpiece in lace.  And no, it's not just "for photos".  And no, I didn't say I thought it would "ruin" my wedding.  I just wanted everyone to look normal and casual and have fun, not turn this wedding into a big "bridal" thing (it's 30 people, just wedding party and immediate family, as an outdoor garden secular ceremony performed by a friend and a dinner at one of the top restaurants in the city, no first dances, DJ, cake cutting, all of that is out -- just a chill dinner with people I love). Especially since this is the second wedding I've planned. I am not having a bridal shower nor rehearsal dinner, and I'm paying for my bridesmaids' hotel rooms and hair for the wedding as they are all from out of town and most have kids/jobs and want a girlie weekend and to go to a salon.  In fact, the only reason I have bridesmaids in the first place was because I got an email saying that they wanted to do for me what I did for them way back when. 

    I just feel like people make assumptions on here -- this is literally the only thing I had a question about.  This BM got married about 10 years ago and is *way* more into my wedding than I am!

    Maybe it's an age thing, or just assumptions, but the amount of hyperbole in the responses here is really offputting. 

  • Unless it's this

    image


    just let it go. Let her wear it. No one is going to notice. Do you think they'll confuse her as the bride? I promise you, you'll look back on this and feel silly for even giving this so much though. 

    I'm 34 and also just got married for the second time. So I don't see why you think age might be a factor in people disagreeing with you. No one will remember what color shoes your BMs wore, or what their jewelry looked like. Shit, I just got married in September and I'm having a hard time recalling what jewelry my MOH wore. 

    The best thing I've learned in my 30s is to not get worked up over small stuff. This is small stuff. Let her wear it if it will make her happy. 
  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2015
    patowv said:

    Sorry, this is the OP and I feel I need to defend myself from some random hate that I didn't anticipate.  The jewelry I got my bridesmaids is a 14K gold necklace (as PART of their gift), my bridesmaids actually picked wearing gold shoes because 3 of 4 of them have them in their closet already, and they picked the dress -- and explicitly said they wanted to all wear the same dress, maybe it's an age thing?  All of us have been in weddings where we have to pick our own and it is terrible to coordinate -- it's much easier if you're a busy mom or busy professional to just have a dress and buy it.

    The piece of lace looks like a wedding veil (and I'm not wearing one), so I think it would just look very odd to have a BM wearing what looks like a bridal headpiece in lace.  And no, it's not just "for photos".  And no, I didn't say I thought it would "ruin" my wedding.  I just wanted everyone to look normal and casual and have fun, not turn this wedding into a big "bridal" thing (it's 30 people, just wedding party and immediate family, as an outdoor garden secular ceremony performed by a friend and a dinner at one of the top restaurants in the city, no first dances, DJ, cake cutting, all of that is out -- just a chill dinner with people I love). Especially since this is the second wedding I've planned. I am not having a bridal shower nor rehearsal dinner, and I'm paying for my bridesmaids' hotel rooms and hair for the wedding as they are all from out of town and most have kids/jobs and want a girlie weekend and to go to a salon.  In fact, the only reason I have bridesmaids in the first place was because I got an email saying that they wanted to do for me what I did for them way back when. 

    I just feel like people make assumptions on here -- this is literally the only thing I had a question about.  This BM got married about 10 years ago and is *way* more into my wedding than I am!

    Maybe it's an age thing, or just assumptions, but the amount of hyperbole in the responses here is really offputting. 

    No one gave you "hate" and no one made assumptions. Just because the advice wasn't what you wanted to hear doesn't mean anyone was mean.

    You've gotten great advice from everyone: Let. It. Go!

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • Hi, OP - I responded to your initial post, and I don't think I made any assumptions or anything.  I understand that you may think it's weird for her to wear something that looks veil-adjacent when you're not wearing a veil, but this is still something you shouldn't worry about.  You'll be the one in the white dress, so everyone will know that you're the bride.  I think if you tell her she can't wear the hairpiece, you'll seem micro-managey, and that will do more harm than good.  I would just let her wear it and try not to worry about it.
  • edited June 2015
  • I will repeat what I said in a prior post...this is a non issue.

  • I told my girls that if they wanted to wear anything in their hair to feel free to do so but to plese pick something that went with their jewelry & (they were wearing traditional white bling jewelry). Even though I was wearing a blingy headband, even if one of them would have picked out a headband, I still stood out with my dress & veil.  But I do get your concern of wanting consitency. Wait until you see the item. It may be smaller then you think and look great. Then again, she could always change her mind on her own & decide not to wear it.
  • Erikan73 said:
    I told my girls that if they wanted to wear anything in their hair to feel free to do so but to plese pick something that went with their jewelry & (they were wearing traditional white bling jewelry). Even though I was wearing a blingy headband, even if one of them would have picked out a headband, I still stood out with my dress & veil.  But I do get your concern of wanting consitency. Wait until you see the item. It may be smaller then you think and look great. Then again, she could always change her mind on her own & decide not to wear it.

    I also understand her desire for consistency - when my sister told me how she planned to style her hair, even though I had professed that I didn't care at all how they had it, my thought was "Really, that? But it could look so much cuter..." However, I also realized that it didn't matter. At all. Saying something about it when she thought she'd look her best would be hurtful, and the "look" was way less important than not hurting my sister.

    So as Maggie and others have said, this is a non-issue. Do nothing, OP. Your additional details about your situation do not change that.

  • edited June 2015
  • patowv said:

    Sorry, this is the OP and I feel I need to defend myself from some random hate that I didn't anticipate.  The jewelry I got my bridesmaids is a 14K gold necklace (as PART of their gift), my bridesmaids actually picked wearing gold shoes because 3 of 4 of them have them in their closet already, and they picked the dress -- and explicitly said they wanted to all wear the same dress, maybe it's an age thing?  All of us have been in weddings where we have to pick our own and it is terrible to coordinate -- it's much easier if you're a busy mom or busy professional to just have a dress and buy it.

    The piece of lace looks like a wedding veil (and I'm not wearing one), so I think it would just look very odd to have a BM wearing what looks like a bridal headpiece in lace.  And no, it's not just "for photos".  And no, I didn't say I thought it would "ruin" my wedding.  I just wanted everyone to look normal and casual and have fun, not turn this wedding into a big "bridal" thing (it's 30 people, just wedding party and immediate family, as an outdoor garden secular ceremony performed by a friend and a dinner at one of the top restaurants in the city, no first dances, DJ, cake cutting, all of that is out -- just a chill dinner with people I love). Especially since this is the second wedding I've planned. I am not having a bridal shower nor rehearsal dinner, and I'm paying for my bridesmaids' hotel rooms and hair for the wedding as they are all from out of town and most have kids/jobs and want a girlie weekend and to go to a salon.  In fact, the only reason I have bridesmaids in the first place was because I got an email saying that they wanted to do for me what I did for them way back when. 

    I just feel like people make assumptions on here -- this is literally the only thing I had a question about.  This BM got married about 10 years ago and is *way* more into my wedding than I am!

    Maybe it's an age thing, or just assumptions, but the amount of hyperbole in the responses here is really offputting. 

    Sorry but the bolded rubs me the wrong way. You are trying to fit your BM into your preconceived vision of 'normal' on something that impacts you in no way shape or form. How does a bit of lace turn your wedding into a "big bridal thing"? 
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2015
    This is your friend, right? I am friends with my friends because I value their personalities and trust their judgement. I don't have any friends that would think it appropriate to wear a veil-like head piece to my wedding.

    I would imagine your friend does not see this hair piece as "bridal." If she see's it as bridal, and thinks it appropriate... well, that's your friends personality. And yet, you're still friends with her and asked her to be a bridesmaid. Her personality and tastes were not going to change just because its your wedding.

    If she doesn't see it as bridal, which is what I would expect, it's likely other people won't either. So, no sweat. Also, as for it ruining the "consistent" look, I'd say... have them each do a hairstyle they like! Allow for a tiny bit of difference. That way, one person wearing a headpiece/ headband won't look out of place. Plus, less matchy looks more.... human.

    And, I just want to say... I DO understand your inclination. I bought a bunch of cheap (but pretty) headbands that I thought I may wear for my wedding, before I finally splurged on the one I really wanted. My mom said "well, instead of returning them, you could give them to your bridesmaids!" My response : "nah. I'd rather they don't all wear bride-like headbands like me." I was not going to supply my bridesmaids with them, but if one or all decide to wear something like that... I would keep my mouth shut.
  • edited February 2015
    patowv said: I know that we, as brides, cannot/shouldn't dictate how our bridesmaids wear their hair, and I did not intend to.  However, does this rule extend to a headpiece?  One of my BM's emailed me that she was going to wear a piece of crochet lace in her hair as part of her hairstyle.  My wedding is navy and gold, and the BMs dresses are a boatneck, very preppy style (think Kate Spade), and my wedding dress is satin, and there's no lace at all at any of the wedding.  I responded with a question about whether she thinks it would match the dresses and she responded with "Why do I need to match your wedding?"  --------------Boxes??________
    I'm actually stuck on the bolded part. It's not about the lace matching the "wedding." I think it should be common sense that jewelry, shoes, and even chosen headpieces should match the dresses.  
    And, to the highlighted part, she just flat out said she's wearing something in her hair?  Was this before or after a discussion of what appears to me your willingness to have them style their hair any way they want? And you're paying for the hair?

    The way I see it, if it matches her dress and other accessories, then there's no problem. There really isn't. Also, if she wears it and you think it clashes with the dress, well then it's her style reflecting on her, not you, so you shouldn't worry about it. 

    But... just the way the original post is written, it sounds a bit off. You offered to pay for hair and she's all, "I'm doing this and I don't care if it doesn't match your wedding!" Huh. 
    ________________________________


  • I'd absolutely notice the difference as a guest.  But I'd be squinting at *her* as an attention whore, not *you* as failing to be a good bride.

    So as a bride, I'd let it go... BUT, if she's accepted your offer to pay to have her hair done, check with your hairdresser to make sure this doesn't somehow increase the cost of the hairdo.  That's the only reason I could see for you to really legitimately take issue with it.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • I'm curious, @patowv, what does this "piece of crochet lace" actually look like?

  • Eh, you can judge, and I agree that this might be OTT. But that still doesn't mean the bride should ever be like "You can't wear this." It just doesn't matter.
    AGREED. Completely.
  • lilacck28 said:
    I'm curious, @patowv, what does this "piece of crochet lace" actually look like?
    Exactly. I want to see this thing that started as a piece of lace in the first post, and later turned into a "bridal head piece."
    I can't stop picturing a crazy lace weave.

    Like such:
    image

    Clearly, this is not what we are talking about, but my brain wont stop going there.
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