noh

ftrmsv2015 · February 2015

My MOH (Best Friend of 10+ years) is threatening to pull out of the wedding because of a comment the Groom said to me in a discussion he and I (the Bride ) had. It was not a, sexist, racist, or abusive, comment it was the grooms opinion about all people not one specified person. We all know men can say the most insensitive things.

I made a mistake of telling the MOH of this comment in a casual conversation we had. I take full blame and responsibility for delivering the grooms comment to her, as I did a horrible delivery and did not take into account how she may react and did not take into account her sensitivity that she may have on such subjects.

Now, the MOH feels as though the grooms comment was directed towards a particular person and feels very offended by this. I am assuming (hoping) that up until my portrayal the Groom's comment that she was fine with the him and accepted him as my future husband as I had not hear any negative thoughts from her in regard to him prior than this comment.

Since I had told her of his general comment, she still did cake tasting and celebrated his birthday with us, which she had never done before in the 4 years I have been with the groom. She did not bring up her feelings of the comments to me until a few weeks after the incident.

I have listened to her thoughts and feelings, I truly can understand how she may believe that such comments were directed towards a particular person. I have tried to assure her this comment was not directed to a particular person in general. I have asked her what it is that I can do to regain her respect for both myself and the groom as I am willing to do what it takes... and it isn't even for the wedding it is for our friendship.

I am not sure what else there is to do other than sit back and wait for her to come around. On top of all of this I feel like there may be something more that she dislikes about him that she is holding back which is why she is blowing up this comment issue. I know she is under a lot of stress and pressure in her life. She has a lot to worry about and she has a lot on her plate. I always tell her I am here for her and I really am. We meet about once a week and have a happy hour, dinner, show, or activity and talk about things.

I do not know how to approach this, it is making me sick to my stomach and I am losing sleep. If this is really bothering her as much as she says then I am sure she too is losing sleep over it which is the last thing I'd ever want for my friend. I wish she would have told me sooner so we could work it out sooner.

What else can I do with out letting this ruin the "JOY" of a wedding and matrimony?

Has anyone in the world had a drama free, glorious, "joy-filled" wedding planning experience?

bethsmiles · February 2015

What did your FI say? Seriously, it is SO much easier to give advice when people are fucking vague about shit. Your post is really confusing.

Your MOH is upset/offended about something your FI said but isn't bringing it up anymore or in general acting differently toward either of you? What are you waiting for her to come around on? Is she pulling out of the wedding?

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

ftrmsv2015 said:

My MOH (Best Friend of 10+ years) is threatening to pull out of the wedding because of a comment the Groom said to me in a discussion he and I (the Bride ) had. It was not a, sexist, racist, or abusive, comment it was the grooms opinion about all people not one specified person. We all know men can say the most insensitive things.

I made a mistake of telling the MOH of this comment in a casual conversation we had. I take full blame and responsibility for delivering the grooms comment to her, as I did a horrible delivery and did not take into account how she may react and did not take into account her sensitivity that she may have on such subjects.

Now, the MOH feels as though the grooms comment was directed towards a particular person and feels very offended by this. I am assuming (hoping) that up until my portrayal the Groom's comment that she was fine with the him and accepted him as my future husband as I had not hear any negative thoughts from her in regard to him prior than this comment.

Since I had told her of his general comment, she still did cake tasting and celebrated his birthday with us, which she had never done before in the 4 years I have been with the groom. She did not bring up her feelings of the comments to me until a few weeks after the incident.

I have listened to her thoughts and feelings, I truly can understand how she may believe that such comments were directed towards a particular person. I have tried to assure her this comment was not directed to a particular person in general. I have asked her what it is that I can do to regain her respect for both myself and the groom as I am willing to do what it takes... and it isn't even for the wedding it is for our friendship.

I am not sure what else there is to do other than sit back and wait for her to come around. On top of all of this I feel like there may be something more that she dislikes about him that she is holding back which is why she is blowing up this comment issue. I know she is under a lot of stress and pressure in her life. She has a lot to worry about and she has a lot on her plate. I always tell her I am here for her and I really am. We meet about once a week and have a happy hour, dinner, show, or activity and talk about things.

I do not know how to approach this, it is making me sick to my stomach and I am losing sleep. If this is really bothering her as much as she says then I am sure she too is losing sleep over it which is the last thing I'd ever want for my friend. I wish she would have told me sooner so we could work it out sooner.

What else can I do with out letting this ruin the "JOY" of a wedding and matrimony?

Has anyone in the world had a drama free, glorious, "joy-filled" wedding planning experience?

There's nothing you can do about it. She's entitled to feel how she feels, and react how she chooses. She may also be using this as an excuse for just wanting out of the role for other reasons she may not want to tell you about. You've said your piece; now let it go.

To the bolded: the joy of my wedding came from marrying my husband. It had nothing to do with anyone or anything else. Focus on the important things.

ShesSoCold · February 2015

Quick DD.

WTG lolo with the quote.

huskypuppy14 · February 2015

I was trying to quote, and it wouldn't let me. Quickest DD ever?

First of all, don't say all men say insensitive things, that is not true and is sexist itself.

Second of all, what did your FI say?

flantastic · February 2015

I doubt anyone has had a "drama free, glorious, "joy-filled" wedding planning experience." However, many people have a wedding free of drama they create on their own.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Quick DD.

WTG lolo with the quote.

OliveOilsMom · February 2015

I would love to know what the groom actually said. Since OP DD and probably won't be back, can we now speculate what he said????

climbingsingle · February 2015

Kudos on the quote Lolo!

KatieinBkln · February 2015

Can't help thinking the FI said something truly horrifying and the OP knows we'd jump all over it if she actually said what it was.

Hm, so, "not sexist, racist, or abusive," but definitely a generalization about "all people." And something someone else might be sensitive about. Let's see, what other topics are out there: politics, ableism, homophobia, religion, euthanasia? I'm seriously spending part of my lunch hour thinking about this.

(You don't have to tell me. I know I'm ridiculous.)

teddygirl9 · February 2015

I dunno, get him to apologize to her, and confirm that it was not about this person? Waiting for her to come around is a terrible plan, what if she never does?

climbingsingle · February 2015

He said something about all people, but the MOH believes it's directly at a particular person. This makes me think either it's racist or sexist. And I think the OP didn't want to post exactly what her FI said because it's probably inflammatory.

novella1186 · February 2015

KatieinBkln said:

Can't help thinking the FI said something truly horrifying and the OP knows we'd jump all over it if she actually said what it was.

Hm, so, "not sexist, racist, or abusive," but definitely a generalization about "all people." And something someone else might be sensitive about. Let's see, what other topics are out there: politics, ableism, homophobia, religion, euthanasia? I'm seriously spending part of my lunch hour thinking about this.

(You don't have to tell me. I know I'm ridiculous.)

I really have to call into question what may qualify as being sexist, racist, or abusive, since the OP clearly did not think it was sexist to say that all men say insensitive things.

ShesSoCold · February 2015

Yeah I'm willing to bet it was definitely racist or sexist but "he didn't mean it like that".

I'm team MOH.

STARMOON44 · February 2015

I have higher standards for acceptable conduct than is it sexist, racist, or absuive. Like, a lot higher.

ashley8918 · February 2015

Okay, Bye OP!

novella1186 · February 2015

I guess he could have said "all people should kill puppies." That's not sexist, racist, or abusive, right? And it involves all people. And it's upset-and-offended worthy....

...It's like a riddle...

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

teddygirl9 said:

I dunno, get him to apologize to her, and confirm that it was not about this person? Waiting for her to come around is a terrible plan, what if she never does?

Then she's made her decision, like adults do. How is allowing adults to make their own choices a terrible plan?

OP doesn't seem to disagree with what her FI said, and just thinks he was misunderstood but "boys will be boys." She made no indication that her FI even regrets what he said. So she should force a fake apology why?

MadHops21 · February 2015

Maybe something about abortion? Like, "We should abort all 4 toed fetuses" or something and MOH is a 4 toed person.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

My guess is that he called someone's actions "retarded," thinking it was an OK thing to call people or actions because "well they're not really! it's just a thing people say!" and she took offense on behalf of someone else. As she should have, and as we all should.

l9i · February 2015

My guess is something along the lines of being homophobic and the MOH has someone close to her that belongs to a 'group of people' and could feel it was directed at that specific person.

MadHops21 · February 2015

KatieinBkln · February 2015

lolo883 said:

show previous quotes

teddygirl9 said:

I dunno, get him to apologize to her, and confirm that it was not about this person? Waiting for her to come around is a terrible plan, what if she never does?

Then she's made her decision, like adults do. How is allowing adults to make their own choices a terrible plan?

OP doesn't seem to disagree with what her FI said, and just thinks he was misunderstood but "boys will be boys." She made no indication that her FI even regrets what he said. So she should force a fake apology why?

If she cares about her relationship with her MOH, I guess. She wouldn't have written in if she didn't, but I don't think you're wrong that she probably just wants everything to be all better without having to A. take any steps to make that happen or B. admit that maybe her FI is wrong. I do agree with Teddy that in general, hanging out waiting for someone to "get over" something is a lame way to deal.

flutteringinfl · February 2015

KatieinBkln said:

show previous quotes

lolo883 said:

teddygirl9 said:

I dunno, get him to apologize to her, and confirm that it was not about this person? Waiting for her to come around is a terrible plan, what if she never does?

Then she's made her decision, like adults do. How is allowing adults to make their own choices a terrible plan?

OP doesn't seem to disagree with what her FI said, and just thinks he was misunderstood but "boys will be boys." She made no indication that her FI even regrets what he said. So she should force a fake apology why?

If she cares about her relationship with her MOH, I guess. She wouldn't have written in if she didn't, but I don't think you're wrong that she probably just wants everything to be all better without having to A. take any steps to make that happen or B. admit that maybe her FI is wrong. I do agree with Teddy that in general, hanging out waiting for someone to "get over" something is a lame way to deal.

You're a lot nicer than me...I think it's very possible she cares more about preserving the integrity of the event than maintaining her friendship, especially since this question was framed as "How do I keep my wedding from becoming sad" rather than "How do I make things right with my friend?"

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

KatieinBkln said:

show previous quotes

lolo883 said:

teddygirl9 said:

I dunno, get him to apologize to her, and confirm that it was not about this person? Waiting for her to come around is a terrible plan, what if she never does?

Then she's made her decision, like adults do. How is allowing adults to make their own choices a terrible plan?

OP doesn't seem to disagree with what her FI said, and just thinks he was misunderstood but "boys will be boys." She made no indication that her FI even regrets what he said. So she should force a fake apology why?

If she cares about her relationship with her MOH, I guess. She wouldn't have written in if she didn't, but I don't think you're wrong that she probably just wants everything to be all better without having to A. take any steps to make that happen or B. admit that maybe her FI is wrong. I do agree with Teddy that in general, hanging out waiting for someone to "get over" something is a lame way to deal.

It just sounds to me like she's already tried to address it with her MOH, but if her FI isn't going to take back what he said then there's not much else she can do. Either MOH chooses to move past it or she doesn't.

show previous quotes
ftrmsv2015 said:
I have listened to her thoughts and feelings, I truly can understand how she may believe that such comments were directed towards a particular person. I have tried to assure her this comment was not directed to a particular person in general. I have asked her what it is that I can do to regain her respect for both myself and the groom as I am willing to do what it takes... and it isn't even for the wedding it is for our friendship.

I am not sure what else there is to do other than sit back and wait for her to come around.

princessofgenovia · February 2015

So this not sexist/racist/abuvise comment was directed to a group of individuals rather then one individual...and that makes it ok?

KatieinBkln · February 2015

flutteringinfl said:

show previous quotes

KatieinBkln said:

lolo883 said:

teddygirl9 said:

I dunno, get him to apologize to her, and confirm that it was not about this person? Waiting for her to come around is a terrible plan, what if she never does?

Then she's made her decision, like adults do. How is allowing adults to make their own choices a terrible plan?

OP doesn't seem to disagree with what her FI said, and just thinks he was misunderstood but "boys will be boys." She made no indication that her FI even regrets what he said. So she should force a fake apology why?

If she cares about her relationship with her MOH, I guess. She wouldn't have written in if she didn't, but I don't think you're wrong that she probably just wants everything to be all better without having to A. take any steps to make that happen or B. admit that maybe her FI is wrong. I do agree with Teddy that in general, hanging out waiting for someone to "get over" something is a lame way to deal.

You're a lot nicer than me...I think it's very possible she cares more about preserving the integrity of the event than maintaining her friendship, especially since this question was framed as "How do I keep my wedding from becoming sad" rather than "How do I make things right with my friend?"

Haha, possibly! I'm always forgetting how many people see their wedding party as photo props.

JennyColada · February 2015

Groom probably said that he's vegan and MOH took offense because, you know, CHEESE.

Yea fuck that guy.

teddygirl9 · February 2015

KatieinBkln said:

show previous quotes

lolo883 said:

teddygirl9 said:

I dunno, get him to apologize to her, and confirm that it was not about this person? Waiting for her to come around is a terrible plan, what if she never does?

Then she's made her decision, like adults do. How is allowing adults to make their own choices a terrible plan?

OP doesn't seem to disagree with what her FI said, and just thinks he was misunderstood but "boys will be boys." She made no indication that her FI even regrets what he said. So she should force a fake apology why?

If she cares about her relationship with her MOH, I guess. She wouldn't have written in if she didn't, but I don't think you're wrong that she probably just wants everything to be all better without having to A. take any steps to make that happen or B. admit that maybe her FI is wrong. I do agree with Teddy that in general, hanging out waiting for someone to "get over" something is a lame way to deal.

Yeah, this is what I meant. Maybe he (FI) doesnt think he said anything wrong, but he should clarify that it wasnt targeted toward that person. And I would never suggest a fake apology, that will get no where. But it didn't sound like the OP had spoken to FI and said 'oh hey, so this really bothered BM...' She just said 'men say insensitive things'. I mean, I say things all the time that I would be upset if someone interpreted it differently than what I meant, and I would be totally ok with apologizing to that person and clarifying what I DID mean.

But re-reading the OP, the last few paragraphs make it sound like she is upset about what happened. If the BM doesnt want to move past it, that is totally her choice, but as a friend I'd want to at least TRY to make it right before just 'waiting for her to come around'.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

novella1186 said:
I really have to call into question what may qualify as being sexist, racist, or abusive, since the OP clearly did not think it was sexist to say that all men say insensitive things.

This is what I was thinking.

And DEFINITELY this....

STARMOON44 said:

I have higher standards for acceptable conduct than is it sexist, racist, or absuive. Like, a lot higher.

To drop out of the MOH role is pretty drastic. Either MOH is SUPER sensitive, or what he said was really bad. I'm guessing it was probably really bad and OP is just on Team Groom.

firebabe6519 · February 2015

I would assume the comment must been quite heinous for a MOH to want to drop out of the WP.

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