B List is Bad

cakemurderer · February 2015

I've read enough on these boards to know that doing a B list is bad/rude/the work of the devil. My question is, how you manage to keep your guest list in check if you're unable to anticipate how many "no" RSVPs you're likely to get? Is there any way that isn't rude to invite family first, since they're obviously a priority and get dibs over friends and co-workers, and then, once I have a vague idea of how many will decline, send out invites to our friends?

I only ask because my family doesn't live near where the wedding will be, so I imagine many won't be willing to make the trip to scenic (ha!) NJ for the wedding. I'd love to host all of my family and friends but, alas, the budget won't allow for that. I will have to be more selective with the friends list if my extended family surprises me and RSVPs "yes." In this case, it's not a question of valuing one friend over another, but a sense of obligation to invite family first and then as many friends as possible once those seats are filled. Is there an appropriate way to handle this?

flantastic · February 2015

cakemurderer said:

I've read enough on these boards to know that doing a B list is bad/rude/the work of the devil. My question is, how you manage to keep your guest list in check if you're unable to anticipate how many "no" RSVPs you're likely to get? Is there any way that isn't rude to invite family first, since they're obviously a priority and get dibs over friends and co-workers, and then, once I have a vague idea of how many will decline, send out invites to our friends?

I only ask because my family doesn't live near where the wedding will be, so I imagine many won't be willing to make the trip to scenic (ha!) NJ for the wedding. I'd love to host all of my family and friends but, alas, the budget won't allow for that. I will have to be more selective with the friends list if my extended family surprises me and RSVPs "yes." In this case, it's not a question of valuing one friend over another, but a sense of obligation to invite family first and then as many friends as possible once those seats are filled. Is there an appropriate way to handle this?

Invite as many people as you are able to accommodate, understanding that not all of them may come. You just make the decision before invites. If you decide it's a priority to invite family, that means you only get to invite a few friends.

Is it disappointing to know that you could have invited more friends if a bunch of family declines? Maybe. But you set your guest list, you made your choices, and whoever comes, comes.

kaos16 · February 2015

cakemurderer said:

I've read enough on these boards to know that doing a B list is bad/rude/the work of the devil. My question is, how you manage to keep your guest list in check if you're unable to anticipate how many "no" RSVPs you're likely to get? Is there any way that isn't rude to invite family first, since they're obviously a priority and get dibs over friends and co-workers, and then, once I have a vague idea of how many will decline, send out invites to our friends?

I only ask because my family doesn't live near where the wedding will be, so I imagine many won't be willing to make the trip to scenic (ha!) NJ for the wedding. I'd love to host all of my family and friends but, alas, the budget won't allow for that. I will have to be more selective with the friends list if my extended family surprises me and RSVPs "yes." In this case, it's not a question of valuing one friend over another, but a sense of obligation to invite family first and then as many friends as possible once those seats are filled. Is there an appropriate way to handle this?

You can really only invite the amount of people that you can comfortably afford to host, and comfortably fit in your venue. Unfortunately, for many of us, this means that you can't invite everyone you want to. There really isn't anything that can be done about that. Assuming your friends are rational adults, they know that and shouldn't be offended. Invite the people that you couldn't see yourself getting married without. I personally don't think that family should get priority just because they are related. There are certainly family members of both myself and DH that we are not close to, so we did not invite them.

Side notes for lurkers:

Always plan for 100% attendance.

Make sure your ceremony and reception location have seats for each butt.

Invite significant others of all adult invited guests (with very, very, very few exceptions)

lovegood90 · February 2015

Unfortunately that's still considered B listing. Why don't you send STDs to your VIPs (ie- family in your case) to get an early indication of how many will say they can make it? Of course, they could always change their minds so don't take it as final. But I think that's the only polite way to do this, since STDs aren't required for everyone.

KatWAG · February 2015

cakemurderer said:

I've read enough on these boards to know that doing a B list is bad/rude/the work of the devil. My question is, how you manage to keep your guest list in check if you're unable to anticipate how many "no" RSVPs you're likely to get? Is there any way that isn't rude to invite family first, since they're obviously a priority and get dibs over friends and co-workers, and then, once I have a vague idea of how many will decline, send out invites to our friends?

I only ask because my family doesn't live near where the wedding will be, so I imagine many won't be willing to make the trip to scenic (ha!) NJ for the wedding. I'd love to host all of my family and friends but, alas, the budget won't allow for that. I will have to be more selective with the friends list if my extended family surprises me and RSVPs "yes." In this case, it's not a question of valuing one friend over another, but a sense of obligation to invite family first and then as many friends as possible once those seats are filled. Is there an appropriate way to handle this?

So you want to B list, without B-listing???

The answer is you dont. There is no way to do this.

You invite as many people as your budget allows. You will get declines. If you get a ton of declines and have left over money or need to meet your minimums, you can do two things. Save the extra money, or upgrade something.

What you cant do (since it would be horribly rude and tacky) is send out a second ound of invites to friends and co- workers.

FWIW, its okay if some friends get invited and some distant family doesnt make the cut.

levioosa · February 2015

You make your A, B, and C lists.

A List: The people you can't picture your wedding without

B List: People you would love to be there

C List: People it would be nice to have.

You invite everyone on your A list and then work your way through the B list. If you make it through and still have space, then go to your C list. If you're all filled up after going through the A list, then that's what you're stuck with. Unfortunately there is no way to send out invites upon receiving declines without being terribly rude. You invite as many of the people that you want that your budget and venue will allow. Plan for 100% attendance. Many brides here have been surprised that their DW or OOT family all RSVPed yes. Several have posted in panic because their either overinvited or could not afford it.

Being family also does not trump close friends. I'm sorry, but the cousin I haven't seen in ten years isn't getting invited over my close friend. Don't let people guilt you into inviting people you don't want there. It is appropriate to invite in circles, and unless other people (ex. parents) are paying, they don't get a say in the guest list.

ETA: I don't mean B and C lists as in inviting people after you receive declines. They are meant to help you sort the guest list prior to invites going out (which should happen only once--no "B-listing.")

cakemurderer · February 2015

lovegood90 said:

Unfortunately that's still considered B listing. Why don't you send STDs to your VIPs (ie- family in your case) to get an early indication of how many will say they can make it? Of course, they could always change their minds so don't take it as final. But I think that's the only polite way to do this, since STDs aren't required for everyone.

Well, I'm not doing STDs in order to save money, so the only alternative I could think of was having an awkward conversation with each family member to basically ask, "If I send you an invitation will you actually show up to the wedding?" Obviously I'm being a bit facetious since I know they'd love to be there, but that would pretty much be the gist of the conversation. I understand they have lives and that traveling 3,000 miles for a one-day event isn't something I expect them to do.

I guess I also feel bad because I can invite everyone I want to share the day with and still come in at less than half of the total amount we can afford to host. That's not taking into consideration any expected no RSVPs. Really, I'm cutting into my FI's options to invite his friends. He's much more popular and sociable than I, so he's going to have to hack his list down while I get the luxury of pretty much inviting everyone I've ever cared about.

kaos16 · February 2015

cakemurderer said:

lovegood90 said:

Unfortunately that's still considered B listing. Why don't you send STDs to your VIPs (ie- family in your case) to get an early indication of how many will say they can make it? Of course, they could always change their minds so don't take it as final. But I think that's the only polite way to do this, since STDs aren't required for everyone.

Well, I'm not doing STDs in order to save money, so the only alternative I could think of was having an awkward conversation with each family member to basically ask, "If I send you an invitation will you actually show up to the wedding?" Obviously I'm being a bit facetious since I know they'd love to be there, but that would pretty much be the gist of the conversation. I understand they have lives and that traveling 3,000 miles for a one-day event isn't something I expect them to do.

I guess I also feel bad because I can invite everyone I want to share the day with and still come in at less than half of the total amount we can afford to host. That's not taking into consideration any expected no RSVPs. Really, I'm cutting into my FI's options to invite his friends. He's much more popular and sociable than I, so he's going to have to hack his list down while I get the luxury of pretty much inviting everyone I've ever cared about.

So why don't you make some cuts on your side and let him invite more on his side. . . . Compromise!

KatWAG · February 2015

cakemurderer said:

lovegood90 said:

Unfortunately that's still considered B listing. Why don't you send STDs to your VIPs (ie- family in your case) to get an early indication of how many will say they can make it? Of course, they could always change their minds so don't take it as final. But I think that's the only polite way to do this, since STDs aren't required for everyone.
Well, I'm not doing STDs in order to save money, so the only alternative I could think of was having an awkward conversation with each family member to basically ask, "If I send you an invitation will you actually show up to the wedding?" Obviously I'm being a bit facetious since I know they'd love to be there, but that would pretty much be the gist of the conversation. I understand they have lives and that traveling 3,000 miles for a one-day event isn't something I expect them to do.

I guess I also feel bad because I can invite everyone I want to share the day with and still come in at less than half of the total amount we can afford to host. That's not taking into consideration any expected no RSVPs. Really, I'm cutting into my FI's options to invite his friends. He's much more popular and sociable than I, so he's going to have to hack his list down while I get the luxury of pretty much inviting everyone I've ever cared about.

This doesnt work. So you ask Aunt Sally if she can attend beofre you send her a STD. She says no, its too much money. So you dont plan on inviting her. What happens if 2 months before the wedding Aunt Sally decides she can attend? Are you really not going to invite her?

If it is so important to you to invite all these people, try re-working your budget. Plan a brunch. Or something in the off-season. Cut back on flowers. Have a dry wedding. Host a cake and punch reception.

cakemurderer · February 2015

levioosa said:

Being family also does not trump close friends. I'm sorry, but the cousin I haven't seen in ten years isn't getting invited over my close friend. Don't let people guilt you into inviting people you don't want there. It is appropriate to invite in circles, and unless other people (ex. parents) are paying, they don't get a say in the guest list.

Unfortunately, my family is very traditional so leaving people out isn't really an option. It's not so much that anyone in particular is pressuring me, just that I know feelings would be hurt and there'd be bad blood after that. My family's fairly close; even if I don't know every detail of my cousins' lives we do see each other every couple of years, so I want to invite them. I just suspect that most of them won't make it, and with a plan of hosting approximately 80 people, those (assumed) 15 declines make up a huge percentage of the guest list.

kaos16 said:

So why don't you make some cuts on your side and let him invite more on his side. . . . Compromise!

The sad thing is, I can't really make any cuts. I'm only inviting about five friends and the rest is all family. Some family I'm sure will make it, but I'm assuming most won't. Short of cutting out my five best friends, there's no other way to cut the list without cutting out family. Not an option, as I mentioned above.

huskypuppy14 · February 2015

It seems like you have a budget; good that's step one. Now you make your guest list. Then you figure where you can have your wedding to accommodate all these people.

Not every wedding has to be an evening affair in a grand ballroom. If that's what you want and you can't invite everyone, then you need to either cut down your list or change your venue.

I'm lucky in that my husband and I invited everyone we wanted to our wedding. We had the money to pay for our full guest list (only 70% came) and have a Saturday evening reception with full open bar. We didn't have extravagant flowers, or a band or a super expensive dress. You have to prioritize what is important.

Also, don't forget to include everyone's SO.

cakemurderer · February 2015

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Sounds like I'm just SOL!

thisismynickname2 · February 2015

My advice is very similar to Levioosa's.

You have your VIP list, your really want to have list, and your leftovers.

Straight up cut the leftovers, and build your budget based on your VIPs plus Really Wants.

Only send STDs to the VIP list. You'll start to get a picture of who may come and who won't after sending STDs. Then you'll know how many from your really-want list you can send invitations to. Once you send them, that's it, no more.

Here's how it worked for me: Our magic number was 80 for our budget, but we could afford to host nearly 100 if we had to.

Our VIP list was 60 including plus-ones, and our really-want list including plus-ones put us to 97. We came out with 70 people in attendance. Because 70 was below the magic number of 80, and we had a minimum requirement purchase to meet with the venue, we added extra dessert and late night pizza to make up the cost.

When you have more family than what you think you can afford, that's when you get creative with your budget. Focus the money on food and beverage (guest comfort). You go frugal / bare bones on invites, decor, even your dress. I gave my guests steak and seafood, but had a $350 dress and fake flowers.

Hope this helps!

bethsmiles · February 2015

A combination of @koas16 and @KatWAG's suggestion would probably work best for you. Your invite numbers don't need to split 50/50. Compromise so that both of you have to cut some people you wish you could invite rather than having just him make cuts. And see where you can adjust your budget so you can invite everyone you want and still be able to host them if 100% rsvp yes.

And family doesn't have to take priority over friends. Think about who you want there not who you feel obligated to invite.

KatWAG · February 2015

Wow, I would never invite a cousin I see every few years over a close friend.

OP, who is paying for your wedding?

lilacck28 · February 2015

I will scream it from the rooftops... BRUNCH! I love brunch. I'm doing brunch for my wedding

And we're saving somewhere between $20-60 per person compared to dinner at my venue/ comparable venues. (I'm from CT, where prices are fairly high... I mention this because I've heard people scoff, thinking that in some areas you can't actually save any by doing brunch at a nice place. They lie. I am proof.)

cakemurderer · February 2015

KatWAG said:

Wow, I would never invite a cousin I see every few years over a close friend.

OP, who is paying for your wedding?

FI and I are, so there's no pressure there to invite anyone just because Mom says so. That said, my family's small and close-knit enough that I've been invited to every one of my cousins' weddings, including a destination wedding that I couldn't attend because I was a broke student at the time, so I do feel an obligation to reciprocate. Plus I'd really like to have them there, both to support me and to make it even more of a fun party since they're all neat people. The issue isn't that I'm having to choose family over close friends, mine or FI's, but that FI has a bunch of friends I know he'd like to celebrate with who can't be invited because there's a slim possibility my family may attend instead, so their invitation gets priority over his friends.

KatWAG · February 2015

cakemurderer said:

KatWAG said:

Wow, I would never invite a cousin I see every few years over a close friend.

OP, who is paying for your wedding?
FI and I are, so there's no pressure there to invite anyone just because Mom says so. That said, my family's small and close-knit enough that I've been invited to every one of my cousins' weddings, including a destination wedding that I couldn't attend because I was a broke student at the time, so I do feel an obligation to reciprocate. Plus I'd really like to have them there, both to support me and to make it even more of a fun party since they're all neat people. The issue isn't that I'm having to choose family over close friends, mine or FI's, but that FI has a bunch of friends I know he'd like to celebrate with who can't be invited because there's a slim possibility my family may attend instead, so their invitation gets priority over his friends.

If you didnt inivte the cousins who you dont see, your H could invite his friends.

cakemurderer · February 2015

lilacck28 said:

I will scream it from the rooftops... BRUNCH! I love brunch. I'm doing brunch for my wedding And we're saving somewhere between $20-60 per person compared to dinner at my venue/ comparable venues. (I'm from CT, where prices are fairly high... maybe you could save more elsewhere?)

Hehe! That does sound ideal, but somehow I can't picture myself dancing any time before complete and utter darkness falls outside (I'm a bit self-conscious when it comes to these things), so I'm not sure that fits the type of party we're aiming to throw. Thanks for the tip, though!

plainjane0415 · February 2015

cakemurderer said:

KatWAG said:

Wow, I would never invite a cousin I see every few years over a close friend.

OP, who is paying for your wedding?

FI and I are, so there's no pressure there to invite anyone just because Mom says so. That said, my family's small and close-knit enough that I've been invited to every one of my cousins' weddings, including a destination wedding that I couldn't attend because I was a broke student at the time, so I do feel an obligation to reciprocate. Plus I'd really like to have them there, both to support me and to make it even more of a fun party since they're all neat people. The issue isn't that I'm having to choose family over close friends, mine or FI's, but that FI has a bunch of friends I know he'd like to celebrate with who can't be invited because there's a slim possibility my family may attend instead, so their invitation gets priority over his friends.

I think you and your FI need to sit down and really sort this out. It's not fair that he can't invite people that he would like to have at his wedding because your family is so large. It's just not fair. I understand that it may be difficult because your family is large and tight knit and everything, but denying him invites because of that just isn't fair to me. Have you started making your guest list yet? What is your maximum number of invites and where are you at now in regards to that number?

kaos16 · February 2015

cakemurderer said:

KatWAG said:

Wow, I would never invite a cousin I see every few years over a close friend.

OP, who is paying for your wedding?

FI and I are, so there's no pressure there to invite anyone just because Mom says so. That said, my family's small and close-knit enough that I've been invited to every one of my cousins' weddings, including a destination wedding that I couldn't attend because I was a broke student at the time, so I do feel an obligation to reciprocate. Plus I'd really like to have them there, both to support me and to make it even more of a fun party since they're all neat people. The issue isn't that I'm having to choose family over close friends, mine or FI's, but that FI has a bunch of friends I know he'd like to celebrate with who can't be invited because there's a slim possibility my family may attend instead, so their invitation gets priority over his friends.

And/also weddings are not tit for tat. Just because you were invited to the weddings of family members does not mean that you have to invite them to your wedding.

KatWAG · February 2015

OP, It seems like you really need to adjust your priorities. You sound really immature to me.

You wont consider budget saving options because they dont fit with your vision.

Your fi cant invite his friends because you want to invite your cousins becasue they make a party fun.

If you arent willing to compromise, we cant help you.

kaos16 · February 2015

Keep in mind also that if your big concerns include:

wanting to invite your entire family so nobody feels left out

feeling badly that friends might not be included

not wanting a brunch wedding because you don't dance before dark

needing certain people there to make it fun

etc.

eloping is always an option. . . . if you have the budget for a party for 100 people, you can certainly jet off someplace nice, just you and your fiance. . . . no hurt feelings because nobody is invited!

novella1186 · February 2015

cakemurderer said:

KatWAG said:

Wow, I would never invite a cousin I see every few years over a close friend.

OP, who is paying for your wedding?

FI and I are, so there's no pressure there to invite anyone just because Mom says so. That said, my family's small and close-knit enough that I've been invited to every one of my cousins' weddings, including a destination wedding that I couldn't attend because I was a broke student at the time, so I do feel an obligation to reciprocate. Plus I'd really like to have them there, both to support me and to make it even more of a fun party since they're all neat people. The issue isn't that I'm having to choose family over close friends, mine or FI's, but that FI has a bunch of friends I know he'd like to celebrate with who can't be invited because there's a slim possibility my family may attend instead, so their invitation gets priority over his friends.

Honestly, in your situation, I would find other ways to cut the budget in order to accommodate some more guests. Serve just beer and wine rather than a full open bar, skip the favors, have candles instead of flowers, or use less expensive flowers, skip the limo, less expensive invites, wear shoes and jewelry I already own, ask my mom to make my veil etc etc. There's tons of ways to save money on a wedding. I'd rather downgrade or simplify some things and then reallocate that money to food and drinks in order to host more people.

redoryx · February 2015

OP, I come from a very large extended family and completely understand why you want to invite them all -- even the ones you rarely see -- and the feeling of wanting/needing to reciprocate having been invited to their weddings.

HOWEVER.

Priorities have to sometimes be adjusted during the wedding process. It's not fair that your FI is unable to invite some of his friends because you are not willing to budge on the family. And while I understand your vision of your wedding includes an evening reception, that makes it far more expensive than, say, a brunch or daytime event as has been suggested. If you were willing to compromise on somethings it will allow your budget to be stretched therefore allowing the guest list to be stretched as well.

Bubblegum5586 · February 2015

I feel like my family is the same way. We live all over the country and don't see each other often... but when we do we have a blast and pick right up where we left off. I wouldn't dream of not inviting all of them (plus their spouses... so between 15-20).

I also feel the same way with a later party with lots of dancing... so I agree with you on that.

Not sure what your timeline is, but for me to get all of the above we had to do an 18 month engagement to save up enough money. After 6 years of dating I would have loved to get married right away but knew if I wanted all my family, all my friends and Saturday night wedding then we needed more time so we could up our budget and up our guest list. And honestly that 18 month engagemnet not only flew by but here I am almost 18 months married!

bethsmiles · February 2015

lilacck28 said:

I will scream it from the rooftops... BRUNCH! I love brunch. I'm doing brunch for my wedding And we're saving somewhere between $20-60 per person compared to dinner at my venue/ comparable venues. (I'm from CT, where prices are fairly high... I mention this because I've heard people scoff, thinking that in some areas you can't actually save any by doing brunch at a nice place. They lie. I am proof.)

Can I come?! Brunch is pretty much the best thing ever! I'd be happy if every wedding I was invited to was a brunch wedding.

apromise22 · February 2015

I have a related question. I am having a small wedding and inviting very few friends to my wedding. Some friends have asked about it and I've explained that I wish I could invite them but am unable to. What I'm wondering is, if I end up having room for more people than I anticipated, would it be acceptable to call a couple friends and say that I ended up having more availability than I thought, I'd love if you could come, would you be interested? Again, this would only be for people who have expressed interest in coming.

I'm guessing no but wanted to know your thoughts.

kaos16 · February 2015

apromise22 said:

I have a related question. I am having a small wedding and inviting very few friends to my wedding. Some friends have asked about it and I've explained that I wish I could invite them but am unable to. What I'm wondering is, if I end up having room for more people than I anticipated, would it be acceptable to call a couple friends and say that I ended up having more availability than I thought, I'd love if you could come, would you be interested? Again, this would only be for people who have expressed interest in coming.

I'm guessing no but wanted to know your thoughts.

Nope. . . . b-listing still. Sorry!

plainjane0415 · February 2015

apromise22 said:

I have a related question. I am having a small wedding and inviting very few friends to my wedding. Some friends have asked about it and I've explained that I wish I could invite them but am unable to. What I'm wondering is, if I end up having room for more people than I anticipated, would it be acceptable to call a couple friends and say that I ended up having more availability than I thought, I'd love if you could come, would you be interested? Again, this would only be for people who have expressed interest in coming.

I'm guessing no but wanted to know your thoughts.

No, that's still b listing in my opinion.

novella1186 · February 2015

From what I've read on this board is that the only time it's acceptable to invite someone AFTER the invites have already gone out is if you make a new friend... is that correct, ladies? Like if I suddenly became close friends with someone at work, and I realize I want that person to come to my wedding and there's still time to invite them but they weren't on the original invite list, I can still invite them? I feel like I've seen that come up in a few threads before.

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