noh

princessofgenovia · February 2015

Well I wouldn't have been offended but I would have called your FI a fucking moron. People should never move out of state? Ever?

So you're born in lets say Nebraska. You'll go to school there, meet someone to marry there, raise your kids there, work there, and then die there. No matter if you get into UCLA...that's not in Nebraska. No matter if you meet someone on line who lives in New York, you can't be together. No matter if you get a great job offer at Disney World. nope that's not Nebraska. You were born in Nebraska now you will live your entire life there.

WTF does he think about people who join the military? Leave for school? Better jobs? To find happiness?

Are you allowed to go and visit other states? How long can you vacation before it becomes selfish? What if you get a fantastic job offer in a different state? Will you guys move there or will you have to turn it down? What if your future kid gets sick and you need to move to another state to get treatment?

This whole one state forever amen shit is just stupid. Honestly you both sound really young and like maybe you're just going through the first wave of friends moving out of state to pursue their life dreams/goals. Get the fuck over it. People are going to move out of state, hell out of the country. Thanks to the internet you can keep in touch with them.

*No offense meant to Nebraska, I just picked a state at random, I'm sure Nebraska is a fine state*

OliveOilsMom · February 2015

ftrmsv2015 said:

Actually, What my FI said was that he thinks, in his opinion, is "that people that move to a different state are selfish". My MOH though this was directed at her brother because my FI reiterated his opinion during a comment about her brother.

The bolded, right above is why your MOH is mad. Your FI restated his opinion directly at MOH's brother. Does anyone want to hear that close family members maybe selfish? How would you react if you were told a close family member you love was called selfish. You would begin to harbor bad feelings about the person stating that opinion. And since you are marrying that person with that opinion, even though you say you don't share it, it still reflects upon you.

Also, how does your FI feel about kids who go away to college? Are they selfish to be going to get an education that best fits them? Or are they only selfish if they don't return back home afterwards? I feel like this opinion of your FI's has many depths and potential work arounds.

maeday2 · February 2015

photokitty said:
I never saw it pre-dd, but I assumed it was supposed to be moh- or maid of honor, and the title was never edited, just miss typed from he get go???

True. It was MOH vs. Groom initially, I believe.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

Maybe she's planning on moving out of state and now she doesn't know how to tell you, especially knowing she'll be judged unfairly for it.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

Hmmmm... I'm not buying it that this is the whole story.

Your best friend/MOH dropped out of your wedding because of a relatively benign comment your FI made? Unless she's the most dramatic person in the world (in which case, this probably shouldn't have surprised you), there's more to this story.

Either that's not really what he said or she wanted to drop out for other reasons and used this as an excuse.

ohannabelle · February 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Hmmmm... I'm not buying it that this is the whole story.

Your best friend/MOH dropped out of your wedding because of a relatively benign comment your FI made? Unless she's the most dramatic person in the world (in which case, this probably shouldn't have surprised you), there's more to this story.

Either that's not really what he said or she wanted to drop out for other reasons and used this as an excuse.

This, x 1000.

There is absolutely no logic in any of this story. Especially when you compare the "reason" eventually given to the original post.

The only way this story makes sense is if all three participants are totally baked out of their minds.

teddygirl9 · February 2015

Well, if your FI actually didn't mean it towards her brother, then I don't see why he wouldn't apologize to her or at least explain the view point a bit more? (totally making this part up) Maybe he feels like its selfish to leave old parents who cant travel because then theyre lonely or something. I dunno. But if he had actual reasoning behind his view, it might help to explain it. If he has no reasoning, and it's just 'his view' then it probably wont help.

I agree with a previous suggestion of just going out with her as a friend. Have a nice time, and maybe at the end you can say 'if you dont want to be in the wedding I totally understand, but I dont want to lose you as a friend' or whatever, and leave it as that. I agree that she shouldnt be mad at YOU, but if she is hurt in general sometimes those lines get blurry.

Couggal12 · February 2015

Well lurking on this thread was a let down if that's truly the comment he made. While I disagree with him I don't think that's the entire reason your MOH wants out of the wedding.

LondonLisa · February 2015

I have to admit I read that comment like this:

That is one of the stupidest and most baffling things on which to have a strong opinion!. Although truthfully, the way he put it as "I just love my family and home too much" is pretty rude. It is insinuating that people that move don't love their families. I can see if he repeatedly said it, especially knowing her brother's situation, she could hear it as "your brother doesn't love you" which is obnoxious, moronic and tiresome. You said he said it multiple times and directly related to her brother- I would hate to make sweeping genralisations, but I couldn't help but think that is fairly indicative of your fi's demeanor? Maybe she is just tired of putting up with rubbish like that....

But I agree with PP, I'm wiling to bet that he actually said something much more hurtful or this isn't the full story. That or your MOH wanted to drop out for another reason and is using this...

I think it is time you sat down with MOH and asked her side of the story, don't excuse or apologise for your Fi, that is his job, but just see what is actually going on in a non-judgmental way.

slothiegal · February 2015

This whole thing is fucking bizarre.

Kauris · February 2015

So my take is that maybe, MAYBE, since OP mentioned kids that he presumably had with another woman, that woman moved out of state with his kids and that makes it more difficult for him to see these kids. That would be the ONLY basis for that silly opinion. MAYBE.

holyguacamole79 · February 2015

I think OP is going above and beyond to defend her FI and that this is bothering her WAAAYYYYY too much. There's something deeper here.

... coming from the woman who now lives 6 miles away from where she grew up.

sarahufl · February 2015

lol, um. ok?

There is something you aren't sharing.

beethery · February 2015

All this shit over a dumb comment about moving out of state?

Naw, girl.

drunkenwitch · February 2015

This is one of the weirdest and most fucked up things I have ever read. Your FI has a bizarre, baseless and completely stupid opinion about moving out of state and your MOH is an over sensitive, over the top drama queen who is having a meltdown about said stupid opinion.

How old are you people? Because this sounds like made up drama I had to deal with when I was still hanging of monkey bars.

Also, I am so happy my boyfriend is "selfish", he left his state to go to the top engineering school in the country, what a fucking bastard, then he moved again because he landed his dream job in another state, if that hadn't happened, we never would have met. Now he loves Seattle more than any other place he's ever lived. But yeah, selfish asshole.

MadHops21 · February 2015

Oh, what the fuck.

rcher912 · February 2015

hahahahahaha!

I was convinced OP wasn't going to share the offensive/not-offensive comment, so I stopped checking. I'm sorry I did.

I'm cracking up over here. That's the most ridiculous thing for your MOH to be upset about. Would I side-eye the shit out of your FI? Probably. But blame you and throw a temper tantrum? No way.

And why does your MOH care so much about your FI's opinion of her brother????? There's too many degrees there for me to give a shit about, if I were her. She needs to calm the fuck down, no matter how you delivered it.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2015

STARMOON44 said:

I don't believe any of this, except that your FI is a jerk who was rude to your friend. You want to marry someone who feels entitled to be rude, thoughtless, inconsiderate, and not apologetic go right ahead. Won't be the last time it costs you a friendship.

Wow, that's one heck of a jump. Look, my ex doesn't want to move out of state. He believes you basically should take care of your parents since they took care of you for the first 18 years of your life. Because of this, he thinks moving out of state is selfish. Now I completely disagree with this sentiment, since we obviously aren't together anymore, but he isn't some rude, thoughtless, inconsiderate jerk. He just has a couple of views that not everyone agrees with and honestly, this isn't a bad view compared to racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. Some have a feeling of "responsibility". (I say that in quotations because I think it's ridiculous). But to just assume he is the worst seems pretty unfair.

SBmini · February 2015

Your FI's comment was stupid. Your MOH's reaction to the comment is even more stupid. Talk about over the top! I posted an article once about how the "California dream" is dead. A good friend of ours went on a rant about how people who can't make it in California are just "lazy" and don't "want it hard enough". This hurt a lot because DH and I chose to leave the state. I confronted him about that and our reasons for moving and he kind of back peddled on it. Fast forward a few months, he came to visit us in our 4 bedroom house that costs less than he pays to rent a studio apartment, and he apologized profusely for his comment. He said he understood why we did what we did.

Leaving our friends and family to move to another state could be considered selfish. Sure, we did put our finances and happiness above others. But being able to provide a more comfortable life for our family is definitely not selfish. In that case- I believe staying and struggling in our home state would have been a selfish decision.

penguin44 · February 2015

ChemFanatic25 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't believe any of this, except that your FI is a jerk who was rude to your friend. You want to marry someone who feels entitled to be rude, thoughtless, inconsiderate, and not apologetic go right ahead. Won't be the last time it costs you a friendship.

Wow, that's one heck of a jump. Look, my ex doesn't want to move out of state. He believes you basically should take care of your parents since they took care of you for the first 18 years of your life. Because of this, he thinks moving out of state is selfish. Now I completely disagree with this sentiment, since we obviously aren't together anymore, but he isn't some rude, thoughtless, inconsiderate jerk. He just has a couple of views that not everyone agrees with and honestly, this isn't a bad view compared to racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. Some have a feeling of "responsibility". (I say that in quotations because I think it's ridiculous). But to just assume he is the worst seems pretty unfair.

I think she was referring to the way he said the comment and didn't apologize. The comment was ridiculous, but I'm thinking it the sentiment that counts in this situation.

Also, question for the OP, what about cities that are in two separate states like Kansas City? Would it be selfish to move ten minutes across the state line?

noh

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