How much is too much?

awedding209 · February 2015

I'm a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding coming up this summer. I have been a bridesmaid twice before, once last year and once when I was younger, and was never in the predicament before of being so frustrated with how much a bride is expecting us to spend.

Current tally for wedding expenses

Bridesmaid dress - $305 (without alterations)

Alterations - $50?

Sandals (if we don't have some that work already) - $50

Up-do - required by bride - $100

Make up - $50

Destination bachelorette party - $1200 - yes, this is what they said it would cost in total. No, we're not even leaving the United States.

Wedding weekend accommodations and travel (it is out of town for everyone) - two hotel nights, driving out of state - $350

Gifts (bachelorette party, shower, wedding) - $150

TOTAL ESTIMATE - $2255

She also expects us to attend one of her showers, both of which are out of town for me. I will likely not attend for money's sake. Is it just me, or is this an absolutely asinine amount to expect from every bridesmaid? The MOH, who is planning the bachelorette party, seems to also be fine with that expected total for the party as well. I have no idea how to tell her that this is outrageous and simply too much. I know, I was the one who accepted the responsibility, but I had no idea it would get this out of control.

What do I do? Right now I have so much pent up frustration with her that I am avoiding seeing her because I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her how much this is. But for a bridal party of 24-25 year olds (10 bridesmaids and 2 PA's total), to expect us all to spend so much seems so outrageous. Help!

MandyMost · February 2015

ash209 said:

Current tally for wedding expenses

Bridesmaid dress - $305 (without alterations). Did she ask you your dress budget first? If not, just tell her that this is too much to spend. If that means you can't be a bridesmaid, so be it.
Alterations - $50? This is an expected cost. Nothing you can do about it.
Sandals (if we don't have some that work already) - $50 I think this is fine, if it's a basic sandal she's asking for (not something hot pink, for example). She's not making you buy something very specific just for the wedding.
Up-do - required by bride - $100 Just tell you you don't have the money, and can do your own hair into an up-do just fine.
Make up - $50
Destination bachelorette party - $1200 - yes, this is what they said it would cost in total. No, we're not even leaving the United States. A bachelorette party invite is an INVITE, not a requirement, even if you're in the bridal party. If you can't afford it, don't go.
Wedding weekend accommodations and travel (it is out of town for everyone) - two hotel nights, driving out of state - $350 It is what it is. You can find a cheaper hotel nearby if you can, but otherwise, this is a cost you have to just suck up. You'd have to pay this if you're just a guest as well.
Gifts (bachelorette party, shower, wedding) - $150 Gifts are never required, except at a shower really. And even then you can get something small. And just give a card for the wedding.

TOTAL ESTIMATE - $2255

HeatherKat · February 2015

Wait, $1200 TOTAL for the Bachelorette party? Or $1200 from each of the 10 BMs and 2 PAs?

saric83 · February 2015

Well, girlfriend is just crazy. In an ideal world, she should never be mandating hair style and would have checked with you on the price of the dress, but unfortunately, that doesn't sound like the reality you are dealing with.

The only thing you can do is start saying no to things (unless of course, you want to pull out of the wedding all together), and I would start with contacting the MOH immediately and let her know that you can't make it to the bachelorette party due to budget. And for whoever is hosting the showers, politely decline to them too. Hopefully, that will trigger something for her, especially since I assume that $1200 is covering a lot of group costs, so she'll then have to cover them herself or turn it on the other BMs, who might say the same thing as you.

But the rest of it sounds pretty standard with alterations (and mine have usually been WAY higher than $50), shoes, if you need them, and I just wouldn't get my make-up done professionally.

If you skip all of that (plus the showers like you mentioned you would already be skipping), the total should drop from $2255 to less than $1000.

lovegood90 · February 2015

ash209 said:

I'm a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding coming up this summer. I have been a bridesmaid twice before, once last year and once when I was younger, and was never in the predicament before of being so frustrated with how much a bride is expecting us to spend.

Current tally for wedding expenses

Bridesmaid dress - $305 (without alterations) - Did she get your budget on this beforehand?
Alterations - $50? - Again, she should be asking your budget
Sandals (if we don't have some that work already) - $50 - She does not have the right to dictate your shoes. She is only allowed to dictate the dress, and even that should have been within whatever budget you gave her. Tell her you're wearing something you already own.
Up-do - required by bride - $100- If she's requiring it, she has to pay for it. If she's expecting you to pay for it, again, tell her you can't afford it and will be doing your own hair. End of story.
Make up - $50- Again, if she's requiring professional makeup then she needs to pay for it. Tell her you can't afford it and will be doing your own makeup.
Destination bachelorette party - $1200 - yes, this is what they said it would cost in total. No, we're not even leaving the United States. Again, did the hosts (hopefully the bride is not throwing her own bach party) ask everyone's budgets beforehand? If you can't afford it and don't want to go, just tell them. Pre-wedding parties are not mandatory despite what movies/the wedding industry says. I would never spend $1200 on a trip unless it was a vacation that I planned myself that I wanted to go on.
Wedding weekend accommodations and travel (it is out of town for everyone) - two hotel nights, driving out of state - $350- Why do you need to stay 2 nights? If it's too expensive to stay 2 nights, just stay one. If it's because you need to attend the rehearsal the day before, tell the bride it's not in your budget to stay 2 days and you will have to miss the rehearsal. Let her know you will get the details from everyone the day of the wedding. Is she requiring you to stay in a specific hotel? She's not allowed to do that if she is.
Gifts (bachelorette party, shower, wedding) - $150

TOTAL ESTIMATE - $2255

She also expects us to attend one of her showers, both of which are out of town for me. You do not have to attend any showers or any pre-wedding parties if you don't want to, despite what the wedding industry says. I will likely not attend for money's sake. Is it just me, or is this an absolutely asinine amount to expect from every bridesmaid? This is an absolutely insane amount and I would put my foot down and be clear on what I can afford. The MOH, who is planning the bachelorette party, seems to also be fine with that expected total for the party as well. I have no idea how to tell her that this is outrageous and simply too much. I know, I was the one who accepted the responsibility, but I had no idea it would get this out of control.

What do I do? Right now I have so much pent up frustration with her that I am avoiding seeing her because I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her how much this is. But for a bridal party of 24-25 year olds (10 bridesmaids and 2 PA's total), to expect us all to spend so much seems so outrageous. Help!

You need to put your foot down and be clear on what is feasible for you, time and budget-wise. If the bride has a problem with any of this, then I'm sorry but she doesn't seem like a true friend and I'd drop out of the wedding and distance myself from the friendship, personally. This woman little girl has absolutely no right to demand all of these parties, hair, makeup, shoes, etc. Stand your ground and good luck!

Maggie0829 · February 2015

ash209 said:

I'm a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding coming up this summer. I have been a bridesmaid twice before, once last year and once when I was younger, and was never in the predicament before of being so frustrated with how much a bride is expecting us to spend.

Current tally for wedding expenses

Bridesmaid dress - $305 (without alterations)
Alterations - $50?
Sandals (if we don't have some that work already) - $50
Up-do - required by bride - $100
Make up - $50
Destination bachelorette party - $1200 - yes, this is what they said it would cost in total. No, we're not even leaving the United States.
Wedding weekend accommodations and travel (it is out of town for everyone) - two hotel nights, driving out of state - $350
Gifts (bachelorette party, shower, wedding) - $150

TOTAL ESTIMATE - $2255

She also expects us to attend one of her showers, both of which are out of town for me. I will likely not attend for money's sake. Is it just me, or is this an absolutely asinine amount to expect from every bridesmaid? The MOH, who is planning the bachelorette party, seems to also be fine with that expected total for the party as well. I have no idea how to tell her that this is outrageous and simply too much. I know, I was the one who accepted the responsibility, but I had no idea it would get this out of control.

What do I do? Right now I have so much pent up frustration with her that I am avoiding seeing her because I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her how much this is. But for a bridal party of 24-25 year olds (10 bridesmaids and 2 PA's total), to expect us all to spend so much seems so outrageous. Help!

The bride should not expect you to spend anything other then the cost of the dress which she should have asked your budget for.

The only responsibility you have as a BM is to buy the dress and show up on time to the wedding. Anything else is strictly voluntary.

So you can lower your cost significantly if you speak up and say no to things. If you can't afford to attend the shower then don't. If you can't afford to get your hair done then say so. If the dress is too much and out of your budget then tell the bride.

So lets just say you stick with the dress picked your new estimate could be $705 (this includes dress, alterations and travel expenses for the wedding). Everything else is just extra and nothing that you are required to get done or participate in.

And when you say 2 PA's are you saying that the bride has two personal assistants?

penguin44 · February 2015

I would tell the MOH planning the bachelorette what your budget for that is, and if it's above that amount tell her you won't be able to attend. The bachelorette is not a requirement.

You shouldn't have to pay for hair and make up. If the bride is requiring those, she should be paying. That is a high amount for the dress. DId you go over budget?

Alterations, wedding accommadations, and gifts are all expected costs.

Also, if you don't have sandals that don't match her requirements, the ladies on here are good at finding shoe options within a budget.

awedding209 · February 2015

$1200 a piece!

Flight + hotel/rental + activity - boat ride + she wants to cater in a meal, do a dinner out, go out Fri/Saturday and then getting to and from the airport in shuttles or taxis + gift + misc. expenses.

awedding209 · February 2015

$305 is the total of the dress she chose with tax and shipping included in that figure. All of us have the same one. She originally said she was going to give everyone a $100 gift card to help with cost, then just sent an email telling us all to buy without the mention of a giftcard.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

ash209 said:

I'm a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding coming up this summer. I have been a bridesmaid twice before, once last year and once when I was younger, and was never in the predicament before of being so frustrated with how much a bride is expecting us to spend.

Current tally for wedding expenses

Bridesmaid dress - $305 (without alterations) Did the bride ask your budgets first? Have you guys ordered the dresses? If not, I'd let the bride know that this dress is not in your budget and do not budge from that position.

Alterations - $50?
Sandals (if we don't have some that work already) - $50

Up-do - required by bride - $100 Newp. Number one she can't require something like that of you. And 2, even if she offered to pay, I would not agree to wear my hair in a such a way I didn't prefer/found unflattering etc. If you don't hate the hairstyle she is asking you to wear, and you are ok with having your hair done like that for her wedding, I'd tell her you will either do your hair yourself or you will find a stylist to do it that fits within your budget.

Make up - $50 Nope. She can't require this of you unless she is willing to pay for it and you want to have it done. Again, tell her you will do your own or you will find someone that fits your budget.

Destination bachelorette party - $1200 - yes, this is what they said it would cost in total. No, we're not even leaving the United States. Um, Who is planning this trip? It should be all of the BM's, if you choose to throw the Bride a bah party, and you should all discuss your budgets before doing anything. This sounds like the Bride told you all what she wanted and you are expected to pay for it. Hell fucking no. I hate multi day destination bach parties for this very reason- too $$$$ for a glorified Girls Night out. Tell Bride and whomever else is planning this trip that this is not in your budget and you won't be able to attend or contribute to it, then don't budge.

Wedding weekend accommodations and travel (it is out of town for everyone) - two hotel nights, driving out of state - $350

Gifts (bachelorette party, shower, wedding) - $150 You aren't required to give her any gifts, nor throw her any pre wedding parties.

TOTAL ESTIMATE - $2255

She also expects us to attend one of her showers, both of which are out of town for me. I will likely not attend for money's sake. Is it just me, or is this an absolutely asinine amount to expect from every bridesmaid? Yes, it's asinine. The MOH, who is planning the bachelorette party, seems to also be fine with that expected total for the party as well. MOH fucked up. She should have talked to you all to ask 1, if anyone wanted to help co-host the bach party with her, and 2 what your budgets were. She didn't, so it's her responsibility to either pay for that multi day party herself, or to change the plans. I have no idea how to tell her that this is outrageous and simply too much. I know, I was the one who accepted the responsibility, but I had no idea it would get this out of control.

What do I do? Right now I have so much pent up frustration with her that I am avoiding seeing her because I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her how much this is. But for a bridal party of 24-25 year olds (10 bridesmaids and 2 PA's total), to expect us all to spend so much seems so outrageous. Help!

It's not OK for other people to spend your money.

Don't let other people spend your money.

Just calmly, politely, but firmly tell the MOH and Bride, "I'm sorry, but that is not within my budget. I will not be purchasing X, attending Y, or contributing to Z." Then stand firm and keep repeating that mantra each time they try to explain to you why you need to spend money on XYZ.

Honestly, I might just drop out. This wedding sounds like it's going to be a pain in the ass drama fest.

marie2785 · February 2015

You need to be honest to her about your finances. Even if you have money, I wouldn't spend it like this unless you really want to. Skip the bachelorette, and maybe attend a shower in it's place. And if you can't afford hair and makeup, don't get them done and let the bride know that. And the gift budget can be smaller. I only spent $100 (total) on shower+wedding gifts for my brother, and that was more than enough.

And for the record--I agree with you. This is a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding that isn't your own, especially if you're not rolling in money.

lyndausvi · February 2015

ash209 said:

I'm a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding coming up this summer. I have been a bridesmaid twice before, once last year and once when I was younger, and was never in the predicament before of being so frustrated with how much a bride is expecting us to spend.

Current tally for wedding expenses

Bridesmaid dress - $305 (without alterations)
Alterations - $50?
Sandals (if we don't have some that work already) - $50
Up-do - required by bride - $100
Make up - $50
Destination bachelorette party - $1200 - yes, this is what they said it would cost in total. No, we're not even leaving the United States.

All of the above are unreasonable, except for the shoes. Saying a sandal is fine. A specific sandal is a different story. If you can afford to participate then great. If not you will have to let the bride know you are unable to attend/do what is required of you.

The ones below are standard expenses any guest has to pay. Pay what you can afford. No one should be telling you where to stay or how much to spend on a gift.

Wedding weekend accommodations and travel (it is out of town for everyone) - two hotel nights, driving out of state - $350
Gifts (bachelorette party, shower, wedding) - $150

TOTAL ESTIMATE - $2255

She also expects us to attend one of her showers, both of which are out of town for me. I will likely not attend for money's sake. Is it just me, or is this an absolutely asinine amount to expect from every bridesmaid? The MOH, who is planning the bachelorette party, seems to also be fine with that expected total for the party as well. I have no idea how to tell her that this is outrageous and simply too much. I know, I was the one who accepted the responsibility, but I had no idea it would get this out of control.

What do I do? Right now I have so much pent up frustration with her that I am avoiding seeing her because I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her how much this is. But for a bridal party of 24-25 year olds (10 bridesmaids and 2 PA's total), to expect us all to spend so much seems so outrageous. Help!

I'm pretty sure I would be backing out of this wedding.

awedding209 · February 2015

marie2785 said:

You need to be honest to her about your finances. Even if you have money, I wouldn't spend it like this unless you really want to. Skip the bachelorette, and maybe attend a shower in it's place. And if you can't afford hair and makeup, don't get them done and let the bride know that. And the gift budget can be smaller. I only spent $100 (total) on shower+wedding gifts for my brother, and that was more than enough.

And for the record--I agree with you. This is a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding that isn't your own, especially if you're not rolling in money.

Doing a shower instead is a great idea, and think I might have to do that. The bride knows my salary, which is above average for a 25 year old (though I wouldn't say above average is by much) and thus she thinks I should be able to do all of this with ease. I feel cornered into going, to be perfectly honest. I even sent a cost breakdown to she and the MOH to show how much I thought it might total, saying they should tell everyone that first, and they replied saying they would send that to everyone after flight and hotel was booked. I haven't booked a flight because I don't think I can truly afford it yet.

lovegood90 · February 2015

ash209 said:

marie2785 said:

You need to be honest to her about your finances. Even if you have money, I wouldn't spend it like this unless you really want to. Skip the bachelorette, and maybe attend a shower in it's place. And if you can't afford hair and makeup, don't get them done and let the bride know that. And the gift budget can be smaller. I only spent $100 (total) on shower+wedding gifts for my brother, and that was more than enough.

And for the record--I agree with you. This is a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding that isn't your own, especially if you're not rolling in money.

Doing a shower instead is a great idea, and think I might have to do that. The bride knows my salary, which is above average for a 25 year old (though I wouldn't say above average is by much) and thus she thinks I should be able to do all of this with ease. I feel cornered into going, to be perfectly honest. I even sent a cost breakdown to she and the MOH to show how much I thought it might total, saying they should tell everyone that first, and they replied saying they would send that to everyone after flight and hotel was booked. I haven't booked a flight because I don't think I can truly afford it yet.

I'm sorry, but your salary has absolutely nothing to do with anything. It is never anyone's right to decide for you how you should be spending your own money. EVER. Just stand your ground on your budget and stop letting people walk all over you.

thisismynickname2 · February 2015

ash209 said:

marie2785 said:

You need to be honest to her about your finances. Even if you have money, I wouldn't spend it like this unless you really want to. Skip the bachelorette, and maybe attend a shower in it's place. And if you can't afford hair and makeup, don't get them done and let the bride know that. And the gift budget can be smaller. I only spent $100 (total) on shower+wedding gifts for my brother, and that was more than enough.

And for the record--I agree with you. This is a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding that isn't your own, especially if you're not rolling in money.

Doing a shower instead is a great idea, and think I might have to do that. The bride knows my salary, which is above average for a 25 year old (though I wouldn't say above average is by much) and thus she thinks I should be able to do all of this with ease. I feel cornered into going, to be perfectly honest. I even sent a cost breakdown to she and the MOH to show how much I thought it might total, saying they should tell everyone that first, and they replied saying they would send that to everyone after flight and hotel was booked. I haven't booked a flight because I don't think I can truly afford it yet.

NO ONE decides how you should spend your money.

And salary alone is bullshit. Student loans, rent/mortgage, misc. debt, transportation costs to/from work are all valid reasons not to afford something even on an "average" salary. Plus, professionals have limited vacay time, if any. YOU choose how to spend your vacation time. If you'd rather save your money to go to Europe over a destination bachelorette party, that's your choice and someone who would judge you for that is selfish and in the wrong.

Good luck to you. This is too much, I agree.

flantastic · February 2015

PPs have covered why what the bride is doing is unacceptable. She will definitely try to guilt you over anything you try to back out of. Do it anyway. Boundaries are key.

JUST SAY NO.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

ash209 said:

marie2785 said:

You need to be honest to her about your finances. Even if you have money, I wouldn't spend it like this unless you really want to. Skip the bachelorette, and maybe attend a shower in it's place. And if you can't afford hair and makeup, don't get them done and let the bride know that. And the gift budget can be smaller. I only spent $100 (total) on shower+wedding gifts for my brother, and that was more than enough.

And for the record--I agree with you. This is a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding that isn't your own, especially if you're not rolling in money.

Doing a shower instead is a great idea, and think I might have to do that. The bride knows my salary, which is above average for a 25 year old (though I wouldn't say above average is by much) and thus she thinks I should be able to do all of this with ease. I feel cornered into going, to be perfectly honest. I even sent a cost breakdown to she and the MOH to show how much I thought it might total, saying they should tell everyone that first, and they replied saying they would send that to everyone after flight and hotel was booked. I haven't booked a flight because I don't think I can truly afford it yet.

Drop out now.

It sounds like this Bride is selfish and entitled, and will be very irrational when you try to set and enforce your financial boundaries. . . and it sounds like she has her MOH to back her up and egg her on.

Drop out now and save yourself the aggravation of a confrontation with these two which will ultimately lead to you being kicked out anyways.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

Basicaly you have to stand up to the bride & tell her while you would like attend all of the events but that you didn't anticpate the costs of the and bachlorette weekend of traveling into town for the shower when you agreed to be a BM and you're going to have to miss those events. Also if you feel comfortable doing your own makeup tell her that while you appreciate her having someone come in to do makeup, that to help cut down on expenses, that you'll be doing your own. I'm sure you're probably not the only BM that is running into this situation and if you can talk to others, and you all tell her the same thing she'll realize what she is asking from all of you is not reasonable. A bride should never ask her BM to spend crazy money.

kvruns · February 2015

I just can't imagine spending that much money, especially in my early 20s! heck my BMs just picked out their dress that came to $127 after tax and I felt bad because I had hoped they would find something cheaper (they chose the dress, I had said I didn't care and it didn't need to match even). We are all in our early 30s and can afford it but I could have never said get this $300 dress you will wear once. Let alone the bachelorette party, etc.

I'm guessing this bride will not make it easy to get out of things, and probably give you a lot of guilt trips but try to be strong and do only what you can. At the minimum you have dress and wedding travel expenses that can't be changed really. But you can certainly work on not attending the bachelorette party, not going to showers or giving a small gift at shower and wedding, etc.

MGP · February 2015

I gave up when I saw "personal assistant".

kvruns · February 2015

MGP said:

I gave up when I saw "personal assistant".

I was trying to figure out what PA was

MGP · February 2015

kvruns said:

MGP said:

I gave up when I saw "personal assistant".

I was trying to figure out what PA was

Since I am over my rage of the personal attendant thing let me put the cost thing into perspective:

$2200 is almost a month's worth of take home pay for someone making median salary. So unless you are willing to speak up and say "no" to these outrageous cost demands you will be working for a solid month to pay for these shenanigans.

JUST SAY NO. I guarantee you other have the same concerns.

LtPowers · February 2015

ash209 said:

$1200 a piece!

Flight + hotel/rental + activity - boat ride + she wants to cater in a meal, do a dinner out, go out Fri/Saturday and then getting to and from the airport in shuttles or taxis + gift + misc. expenses.

That's not a party; it's a vacation.

And what's that "gift" in there?

Powers &8^]

awedding209 · February 2015

LtPowers said:

ash209 said:

$1200 a piece!

Flight + hotel/rental + activity - boat ride + she wants to cater in a meal, do a dinner out, go out Fri/Saturday and then getting to and from the airport in shuttles or taxis + gift + misc. expenses.

That's not a party; it's a vacation.

And what's that "gift" in there?

Powers &8^]

I sent a cost breakdown to her MOH to see if I was on point for estimating how much it would cost, and when I got to about $1150 (including a gift for her, lingerie or something) her MOH said that was accurate and about what she figured.

I have paid a small amount as a down payment for the bachelorette, but am trying to figure out how to back out or suggest something cheaper. I am getting more worried about spending that much every minute I think about it!

lilacck28 · February 2015

My good friend/ bridesmaid makes above average salary for any human being (and she's 25), and she comes from money. My other bridesmaid is in graduate school (also 25.) Their costs, as my bridesmaids:

Dress = $0 or $80(I told them "navy short dress".... the one with $ already had the same dress as another bridesmaid. So my third bridesmaid spent $80 to get a very similar dress.)

Hair and Makeup= optional $75-150. (I am not requiring they get hair or makeup done, but they both said they at least want hair done. So, that will be $75-$150 total, depending on what they decide to do. I may even cover that for them if I can swing it.)

Bachelorette= ?? They offered to throw me a bachelorette party. I told them nothing too extravagant, I don't' want it to cost much for people, and maybe we could go get mani/ pedis. I just want to them and a few other friends, and that if planning it doesn't work out, that's okay, since life gets crazy.

Coming to my wedding: $10 - $332. The one with $ lives in my state, about a half hour from where I will be getting married. The other is in school about 5 hours away. So, at $0.56 per gallon, that's $332 round trip for gas. UGHH. I feel badly. They're both going to stay with my parents the night before, so no need for a hotel room.

Presents= ?? I don't expect any presents. If they get me something, and I had to guess how much it would cost, maybe $30-200? ($200, becuase I know that's what friend with $ gave a previous friend who got married.) But, again, gifts not expected.

So, minimum required costs: $10 for bridesmaid with money. $412 for other bridesmaid

Most likely the actual costs: probably somewhere $285+ for bridesmaid with $ (depending on what this mysterious bachelorette ends up costing, including pretend gift, hair, and gas costs). Probably $537+ for other bridesmaid (including pretend gift, hair, gas, dress costs)

I feel pretty damn guilty about those costs. So... yeah. Good luck. Your friend seems ... not nice to expect all that. To put it mildly.

chloe97 · February 2015

When I was 25-28 (I am 36 now) I was in 4 weddings that has similar wedding expenses- bachelorette parties in Las Vegas with full bottle service, $350 bridesmaid dresses, $200 hotel rooms just for the wedding etc. Altogether between these 4 weddings, I probably spent $15,000. At the time I was in grad school and everyone else was working, so I just put it all on the credit card and paid off the credit card by taking out more student loans. It's almost 10 years later and I am still paying off those student loans.

DON'T BE DUMB LIKE ME.

I know it sucks to be the one to say no, and as much as I enjoy looking back at those pictures of my friends in Vegas or at weddings in our gorgeous bridesmaid dresses, skinny and wrinkle-free, I would MUCH rather be student loan free by now!

mikenberger · February 2015

Follow the words of this cat:

To all of the requests that this bride has. And the thing in particular should be her wedding.

AuroraRose41 · February 2015

OP, I am 23 with an above average salary, but also live in an extremely high cost of living area and have high student loan payments. I just dropped out as a bridesmaid for someone who sounded very similar to your bride, because she was spending my money without asking assuming that I could easily afford it (except it was for her OTT 70+ person catered shower that she planned herself instead of a bach party. It also would have been an 8 hour each way flight for me). I got sick of her not listening to my concerns, told her off, and dropped out. I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders once I did that, and I am sure you will too.

simcal18 · February 2015

lilacck28 said:

Coming to my wedding: $10 - $332. The one with $ lives in my state, about a half hour from where I will be getting married. The other is in school about 5 hours away. So, at $0.56 per gallon, that's $332 round trip for gas. UGHH. I feel badly. They're both going to stay with my parents the night before, so no need for a hotel room.

Huh? Is she driving a Hummer? And $.56 per gallon for gas? Assuming 300 miles each way if she's about 5 hours away, that's a 600 mile trip total. If she's driving a vehicle that gets 25 miles per gallon (a very reasonable average), it should take her about 24 gallons of gas to do a round trip. At $2.50/gallon (which is probably high for gas prices these days), she's looking at spending about $60 in gas. Let me know if I'm missing something here, but I wouldn't feel too bad for your friend. I think your gas price calculation is way high. I drive a crossover vehicle that gets reasonable but not great MPG and I've gone on way longer road trips while spending way less than $300 on gas.

arrrghmatey · February 2015

ash209 said:

LtPowers said:

ash209 said:

$1200 a piece!

Flight + hotel/rental + activity - boat ride + she wants to cater in a meal, do a dinner out, go out Fri/Saturday and then getting to and from the airport in shuttles or taxis + gift + misc. expenses.

That's not a party; it's a vacation.

And what's that "gift" in there?

Powers &8^]

I sent a cost breakdown to her MOH to see if I was on point for estimating how much it would cost, and when I got to about $1150 (including a gift for her, lingerie or something) her MOH said that was accurate and about what she figured.

I have paid a small amount as a down payment for the bachelorette, but am trying to figure out how to back out or suggest something cheaper. I am getting more worried about spending that much every minute I think about it!

Have you discussed these insane expenses with any other members of the bridal party? Do they share your thoughts? If so, then you should all bring this up to the Bride/MOH/etc and firmly state "THIS IS TOO MUCH. We can afford $xxx amount." Perhaps a united standing would change the plans.

BUT, from what it sounds like, it may be too late, especially if you have already put a down payment on the bachelorette party. The other members of the bridal party may see it as a dick-move to back out now, but you still have every right to do so and shouldn't feel guilty about it. This is obviously causing you stress, and you've stated in most of your posts that you believe this is too much. Go with your gut and back out before it's too late. Who knows what other additional expenses the bride might throw in there later down the road.

awedding209 · February 2015

Ladies, you all rock. Thanks so much for all the advice. Asking the bride to talk tonight and tell her it is causing me more stress than excitement, as much as I want to be there to celebrate her! I think she's forgetting she's not the only wedding most of us have in the next 10 years and can't afford everything she's asking for.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

How much is too much?

Re: How much is too much?

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