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Chit Chat
FMIL & future marriage woes.
TL:DR: My FMIL is an enabler and I'm terrified. She has told my FI to quit school, keep a part time job with little pay and shitty benefits, just because he's "stressed". We're getting married in less than 9 months, & there is literally no possible way we can survive on just my salary + his part time pay.
Okay, here goes.
Back story: My FI had epilepsy for 10 years. It started when he was 16 & lasted until he was 26 (he had brain surgery almost 3 years ago & they fixed him! It's honestly a huge miracle and I'm really thankful for that. He'll be 3 years seizure free in May!). So, he's lived with his parent's basically all his life, he lived in an apartment with one of his friends for a couple of months before we met, but it didn't work out. He'd always have to depend on his parents or friends to drive him around before his surgery and I know that made him feel really shitty. So since he's finally getting to go to college & paying for it himself, he's still living at home. Which I'm totally okay with bc that saves us a lot of money in the long run.
He's the youngest of the 3 brothers, and the other 2 have had REALLY rough lives. His oldest brother killed himself in 2007 & his other brother has had drug addiction problems & has been in & out of jail for like 10 years now. So he's kinda like the "golden" child, & I think his mom is having a hard time letting him go. So, I guess my point is that FI's mom has been taking care of him for his WHOLE life, and he's depended on her for so much, up until the last 2 years, and I think it's bothering her that he doesn't need her anymore, so she's regressing back into baby-ing him.
FI graduates from his X Ray program in May, so right now, he's in school 4 days a week, then works 10hrs a day on the weekends. He's currently on the hunt for an X Ray position for when he graduates. He's had 1 interview & didn't get the job, and I think that's getting him down a bit, so I'm trying to encourage him and tell him that there's more jobs out there, he just has to be persistent & keep looking.
His MOTHER, on the other hand, is killing me. When he was in his 2nd semester of school, he was stressed bc he had a lot of tests & stuff (you know, like you do in regular school, duh), and FMIL told him to QUIT. SHE TOLD HIM TO QUIT SCHOOL. I was like wtf, ma?! Don't tell him that! He's finally getting to go back to school! Don't tell him to QUIT! I was so frigging pissed off. But luckily, he didn't take her advice.
NOW, as I mentioned, he's job hunting. He's bummed about that 1 job he didn't get, but he's got some really good connections with like 3 different hospitals, so I'm trying to be encouraging, bc I know how hard & discouraging job hunting can be. AND NOW, his mother is telling him to KEEP his part time position and give up hunting for a full time job. WE ARE GETTING MARRIED IN NOVEMBER WOMAN! I cannot fucking believe she even had that thought come across her mind! I totally understand him keeping the job UNTIL he finds a full time job, but not just saying "what the hell, forget it", & not searching for a full time job. He's BARELY making enough money to pay his car payment/insurance (which are his only debts thank god), but seriously, no. I'm making a decent salary, and have a really good stable position at my job right now, but I need his help! I can't be the only one working. I already work about 50 hours a week and I'm using my overtime pay to pay for our wedding. If we got married and he didn't have a full time job, I can't imagine how many hours a week I'd have to work to keep paying the bills. Holy fuck I'm stressing just thinking about it.
My FI is not lazy, his work ethic could use some tweaking, but he's in school & working when he can, but I feel like if my FMIL keeps sticking these thoughts in his head, he'll start thinking she's right and he'll end up thinking "Oh, khugz can work her ass off, and I'll just hang around working my 20 hours a week, no big deal". And it's not like I'm cracking my whip saying "No bitch, you'll work just as hard as me or we aren't doing this marriage thing", but I really don't think it's okay for my FMIL to think that I'll handle all the work and just let FI do whatever the fuck he wants.
I don't think he'll take her advice to heart, because I'm totally talking him out of it, but I know he wouldn't have even mentioned it to me if he hadn't already kind of entertained the idea of it. I'm just worried that she'll keep doing stuff like this when we're married.
Sorry this is so long, and if you've read this far, I commend you (& also send you lots of hugs), but I'm just freaked the fuck out.
Back story: My FI had epilepsy for 10 years. It started when he was 16 & lasted until he was 26 (he had brain surgery almost 3 years ago & they fixed him! It's honestly a huge miracle and I'm really thankful for that. He'll be 3 years seizure free in May!). So, he's lived with his parent's basically all his life, he lived in an apartment with one of his friends for a couple of months before we met, but it didn't work out. He'd always have to depend on his parents or friends to drive him around before his surgery and I know that made him feel really shitty. So since he's finally getting to go to college & paying for it himself, he's still living at home. Which I'm totally okay with bc that saves us a lot of money in the long run.
He's the youngest of the 3 brothers, and the other 2 have had REALLY rough lives. His oldest brother killed himself in 2007 & his other brother has had drug addiction problems & has been in & out of jail for like 10 years now. So he's kinda like the "golden" child, & I think his mom is having a hard time letting him go. So, I guess my point is that FI's mom has been taking care of him for his WHOLE life, and he's depended on her for so much, up until the last 2 years, and I think it's bothering her that he doesn't need her anymore, so she's regressing back into baby-ing him.
FI graduates from his X Ray program in May, so right now, he's in school 4 days a week, then works 10hrs a day on the weekends. He's currently on the hunt for an X Ray position for when he graduates. He's had 1 interview & didn't get the job, and I think that's getting him down a bit, so I'm trying to encourage him and tell him that there's more jobs out there, he just has to be persistent & keep looking.
His MOTHER, on the other hand, is killing me. When he was in his 2nd semester of school, he was stressed bc he had a lot of tests & stuff (you know, like you do in regular school, duh), and FMIL told him to QUIT. SHE TOLD HIM TO QUIT SCHOOL. I was like wtf, ma?! Don't tell him that! He's finally getting to go back to school! Don't tell him to QUIT! I was so frigging pissed off. But luckily, he didn't take her advice.
NOW, as I mentioned, he's job hunting. He's bummed about that 1 job he didn't get, but he's got some really good connections with like 3 different hospitals, so I'm trying to be encouraging, bc I know how hard & discouraging job hunting can be. AND NOW, his mother is telling him to KEEP his part time position and give up hunting for a full time job. WE ARE GETTING MARRIED IN NOVEMBER WOMAN! I cannot fucking believe she even had that thought come across her mind! I totally understand him keeping the job UNTIL he finds a full time job, but not just saying "what the hell, forget it", & not searching for a full time job. He's BARELY making enough money to pay his car payment/insurance (which are his only debts thank god), but seriously, no. I'm making a decent salary, and have a really good stable position at my job right now, but I need his help! I can't be the only one working. I already work about 50 hours a week and I'm using my overtime pay to pay for our wedding. If we got married and he didn't have a full time job, I can't imagine how many hours a week I'd have to work to keep paying the bills. Holy fuck I'm stressing just thinking about it.
My FI is not lazy, his work ethic could use some tweaking, but he's in school & working when he can, but I feel like if my FMIL keeps sticking these thoughts in his head, he'll start thinking she's right and he'll end up thinking "Oh, khugz can work her ass off, and I'll just hang around working my 20 hours a week, no big deal". And it's not like I'm cracking my whip saying "No bitch, you'll work just as hard as me or we aren't doing this marriage thing", but I really don't think it's okay for my FMIL to think that I'll handle all the work and just let FI do whatever the fuck he wants.
I don't think he'll take her advice to heart, because I'm totally talking him out of it, but I know he wouldn't have even mentioned it to me if he hadn't already kind of entertained the idea of it. I'm just worried that she'll keep doing stuff like this when we're married.
Sorry this is so long, and if you've read this far, I commend you (& also send you lots of hugs), but I'm just freaked the fuck out.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FMIL & future marriage woes.
Okay, here goes.
Back story: My FI had epilepsy for 10 years. It started when he was 16 & lasted until he was 26 (he had brain surgery almost 3 years ago & they fixed him! It's honestly a huge miracle and I'm really thankful for that. He'll be 3 years seizure free in May!). So, he's lived with his parent's basically all his life, he lived in an apartment with one of his friends for a couple of months before we met, but it didn't work out. He'd always have to depend on his parents or friends to drive him around before his surgery and I know that made him feel really shitty. So since he's finally getting to go to college & paying for it himself, he's still living at home. Which I'm totally okay with bc that saves us a lot of money in the long run.
He's the youngest of the 3 brothers, and the other 2 have had REALLY rough lives. His oldest brother killed himself in 2007 & his other brother has had drug addiction problems & has been in & out of jail for like 10 years now. So he's kinda like the "golden" child, & I think his mom is having a hard time letting him go. So, I guess my point is that FI's mom has been taking care of him for his WHOLE life, and he's depended on her for so much, up until the last 2 years, and I think it's bothering her that he doesn't need her anymore, so she's regressing back into baby-ing him.
FI graduates from his X Ray program in May, so right now, he's in school 4 days a week, then works 10hrs a day on the weekends. He's currently on the hunt for an X Ray position for when he graduates. He's had 1 interview & didn't get the job, and I think that's getting him down a bit, so I'm trying to encourage him and tell him that there's more jobs out there, he just has to be persistent & keep looking.
His MOTHER, on the other hand, is killing me. When he was in his 2nd semester of school, he was stressed bc he had a lot of tests & stuff (you know, like you do in regular school, duh), and FMIL told him to QUIT. SHE TOLD HIM TO QUIT SCHOOL. I was like wtf, ma?! Don't tell him that! He's finally getting to go back to school! Don't tell him to QUIT! I was so frigging pissed off. But luckily, he didn't take her advice.
NOW, as I mentioned, he's job hunting. He's bummed about that 1 job he didn't get, but he's got some really good connections with like 3 different hospitals, so I'm trying to be encouraging, bc I know how hard & discouraging job hunting can be. AND NOW, his mother is telling him to KEEP his part time position and give up hunting for a full time job. WE ARE GETTING MARRIED IN NOVEMBER WOMAN! I cannot fucking believe she even had that thought come across her mind! I totally understand him keeping the job UNTIL he finds a full time job, but not just saying "what the hell, forget it", & not searching for a full time job. He's BARELY making enough money to pay his car payment/insurance (which are his only debts thank god), but seriously, no. I'm making a decent salary, and have a really good stable position at my job right now, but I need his help! I can't be the only one working. I already work about 50 hours a week and I'm using my overtime pay to pay for our wedding. If we got married and he didn't have a full time job, I can't imagine how many hours a week I'd have to work to keep paying the bills. Holy fuck I'm stressing just thinking about it.
My FI is not lazy, his work ethic could use some tweaking, but he's in school & working when he can, but I feel like if my FMIL keeps sticking these thoughts in his head, he'll start thinking she's right and he'll end up thinking "Oh, khugz can work her ass off, and I'll just hang around working my 20 hours a week, no big deal". And it's not like I'm cracking my whip saying "No bitch, you'll work just as hard as me or we aren't doing this marriage thing", but I really don't think it's okay for my FMIL to think that I'll handle all the work and just let FI do whatever the fuck he wants.
I don't think he'll take her advice to heart, because I'm totally talking him out of it, but I know he wouldn't have even mentioned it to me if he hadn't already kind of entertained the idea of it. I'm just worried that she'll keep doing stuff like this when we're married.
Sorry this is so long, and if you've read this far, I commend you (& also send you lots of hugs), but I'm just freaked the fuck out.
******STUPID KT AND THE LACK OF BOXES!!!*******
You shouldn't have to talk him out of or into anything. He should want to do these things: like work (If that's what's important to you: having a supportive partner) And she'll probably keep doing this when you're married. It's up to FI to have a talk with his mom to tell her to knock it off. But it's up to him not to take her advice and if he does start listening to Mommy Dearest, you've got a far bigger problem on your hands. I'd be more concerned that you're concerned he will be taking her advice one day. He's an adult. He's either going to act like one or he'll be living with his parents forever.
Be your FIs biggest fan. Cheer him on, encourage him to graduate and find a full-time job, share with him budgets and how excited you are to be less stressed by having x amount to save each month.. and what you guys can do together with the savings. Hopefully he will continue to be motivated by helping to provide and make an awesome lifestyle together. If FIs mom says "don't look for a fulltime job, it's too stressful on you" then remind your FI, that doesn't fit in to our plan. You might have to tell your FMIL as sweetly as possible that it doesn't fit into yalls plan and also FI is doing such a great job, hardworking, succeeding, you are positive he can do this.
ETA: and yea, FI will need to tell mommy to step off, he's making his own grownup decisions now with his future wife.
You know the history. Why did you set a wedding date before your Fi had a full time job?
ETA: you don't want to be breaking your back working so hard while FI doesn't provide enough, then don't allow it to be that way.
It's one thing to live off your parents. It's another to live off your parents and have no clue about living on your own. Does he have any concept of how much electric costs? Power? Groceries? Rent? Cable?
Living with your parents can be a costs savings, but it can also be a rude awakening if you use that time to put your head in the sand and not realize exactly how much you really cost to live.
Yes, we have created a budget together for when he gets a full time job AND a budget for if he stays part time for a while. It's obviously doable either way, but the part time budget obviously isn't my ideal budget, just means I wouldn't get the nice house that I want right away.
It does worry me a little bit that he hasn't really experienced living on his own yet, but that's why we've created that budget, so I could show him what it's really gonna be like. I think I'm gonna have to have another little come to jesus meeting with him soon because I still don't think he really "gets it".
It does worry me a little bit that he hasn't really experienced living on his own yet, but that's why we've created that budget, so I could show him what it's really gonna be like. I think I'm gonna have to have another little come to jesus meeting with him soon because I still don't think he really "gets it".
I think he really needs the opportunity to be on his own. This is going to be, I fear, a very parental relationship for you versus a partnership. Some women are perfectly okay with that and rather enjoy telling their husbands what to do/how to conduct themselves. And some men are perfectly okay with that lifestyle as well. You just have to decide what's right for you.
It does worry me a little bit that he hasn't really experienced living on his own yet, but that's why we've created that budget, so I could show him what it's really gonna be like. I think I'm gonna have to have another little come to jesus meeting with him soon because I still don't think he really "gets it".
He seems lazy to me. He also doesn't sound like he has the same financial goals as you do.
We've talked about him getting an apartment on his own in May when he graduates so he can have that experience. I think I may mention that to him again soon. I just really want him to get out of his parent's house.
He seems lazy to me. He also doesn't sound like he has the same financial goals as you do.
I don't think so, I think this is putting a label on him that he actually hasn't said. He never said I'm going to listen to mommy, OP is just afraid her FMIL is having such a strong presence in the decisions of this relationship that she might influence him. He needs to tell mommy to step off.
I find it really concerning that you worry that he might take her advice. Why isn't being your partner and the marriage his number one priority?
My MIL tells H to do stupid shit all the time. (Like when she told him to put off job hunting while he was laid off so that he'd be free to go on a vacation with her family.) I married him anyway because I know he ignores her.
He seems lazy to me. He also doesn't sound like he has the same financial goals as you do.
I don't think so, I think this is putting a label on him that he actually hasn't said. He never said I'm going to listen to mommy, OP is just afraid her FMIL is having such a strong presence in the decisions of this relationship that she might influence him. He needs to tell mommy to step off.****** box *******
You hit the nail on the head. I think that if he moved out in May this would solve a lot of our problems. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm the one who needs to say something to FMIL, but now I realize that it's really his responsibility to do something about it, not mine.
*shrugs*