Just Tuesday

lavenderfields13 · March 2015

@nycgal85 there are some etiquette things I don't agree with either- like the "correct" way of addressing invites. I posted a question about it here and on E. I took in everyone's answers and did what felt right to me- since that's something that actually is not going to affect my guests' comfort at my wedding.

B-listing people is not OK. Inviting someone without their SO because they've only been dating 3 months and that's not "long term" is not OK either. Doing things like this does affect your guests and it's rude. I myself have thought about doing things that I didn't know was rude until either someone called me on it or I saw someone else here get called on it. People are just trying to look out for your (general your) guests so they don't judge the crap out of you because you look inconsiderate. That's what etiquette is about- treating your guests properly. I'm not trying to be mean- but you really should check out the E board- it can be very helpful.

I also hope to god there is no honeymoon fund.

bethsmiles · March 2015

@nycgal85 - I think you just need to take a few deep breaths. None of what you've posted is a disaster and completely avoidable at this stage. You haven't sent out any STDs (save-the-dates) or invites yet.

But etiquette does matter. You say want to avoid family drama from not inviting people but B-listing and not inviting SOs is just asking for drama because it's rude and it's a crappy way to treat people.

Ranking your family and friends into an A and B is rude. It tells people on the A list they are replaceable and it tells people on the B list they weren't good enough to just be invited in the first place.

Judging the seriousness of others' relationships is just beyond shitty. You have no idea how serious a couple might be after even a few months. Why the hell should they care about your relationship when you clearly can't even be bothered to acknowledge theirs?

jenjen047 · March 2015

@twodimes - whats the dollar dance?

nycgal85 said:
Woah woah woah.....this must be me being naive but I didn't in ANY WAY shape or form assume that +1 meant that their name wasn't on the invite!! I just meant a couple/SO.

In terms of the thing in Ohio, this is to placate my mother and grandmother who want us to invite people we can't afford to. It was my grandmother's idea because she has friends that could no way come to NY and are not invited to the wedding to see us and celebrate. I'm thinking of probably something at my parents house, maybe getting food catered as a treat. It's in NO WAY a replacement for the wedding.

And in all honesty, and please don't all pounce on me, but I don't give a f*ck about etiquette.

We're content with our decisions on SOs. We are going to try to cut down the guest list to something we can afford, and I'm trying to deal with my own very delicate and dysfunctional family situation on top of FI's massive family. If I had known that I was going to create some sort of uproar here.....

ETA: I don't know what the hell any of these acronyms (PPD ARH) are either, so I give up. I'm already stressed out enough, now I'm literally having a panic attack because of all of this.

@nycgal85 - im NEY so maybe im totally off base here....OMH feel free to
correct me....but i think you have to remember that a wedding reception
boils down to a party just like any other party. you wouldnt have a
halloween party at your house and only invite the SOs you think are legit enough, and you
wouldnt schedule a second party at a later date for guests who couldnt
attend the original party.

i have a couple questions about the bolded above:
why do your mom and grandma want you to host a
second event if budget reasons are preventing you from including those
guests in the original wedding? why not take the $ youre spending on OH
event and put it towards the NY wedding? also isnt that incredibly rude to say "you arent invited to the main event but come to a party we will throw later to celebrate with us anyways!". if you want to do the OH event, thats your choice but i would DEFINLTELY invite those guests to the NY wedding and let them decline. by not inviting them you are making that decision for them.

i was confused by the acronyms too. AHR is at home reception, PPD is pretty princess day (aka girls who say "we got married at the courthouse but are having a "real wedding" at a later date and invite all their friends to essentially watch them play dress up in a white dress and say vows).

lmcooper86 · March 2015

nycgal85 said:
Woah woah woah.....this must be me being naive but I didn't in ANY WAY shape or form assume that +1 meant that their name wasn't on the invite!! I just meant a couple/SO.

In terms of the thing in Ohio, this is to placate my mother and grandmother who want us to invite people we can't afford to. It was my grandmother's idea because she has friends that could no way come to NY and are not invited to the wedding to see us and celebrate. I'm thinking of probably something at my parents house, maybe getting food catered as a treat. It's in NO WAY a replacement for the wedding.

And in all honesty, and please don't all pounce on me, but I don't give a f*ck about etiquette.

We're content with our decisions on SOs. We are going to try to cut down the guest list to something we can afford, and I'm trying to deal with my own very delicate and dysfunctional family situation on top of FI's massive family. If I had known that I was going to create some sort of uproar here.....

ETA: I don't know what the hell any of these acronyms (PPD ARH) are either, so I give up. I'm already stressed out enough, now I'm literally having a panic attack because of all of this.

First bolded: Okay great, luckily that's been cleared up before you've done anything with invitations! Generally on TK a "+1" refers to you giving a truly single guest the option to bring a date to your wedding. Just about every community board on TK will take really poorly to someone's significant other being referred to as a +1, because they aren't just a random "and guest", they're someone's partner; this is something that's just part of the culture of these boards and that can take time to pick up on, so that's why it was pretty explicitly clarified for you. So as long as you were already planning on including their names on the invites you're all good.

Second bolded: Awesome, as long as you aren't pretending it's a second "wedding" for people who couldn't come to your actual wedding, because that isn't a thing. If you're going to have a big party for people who can't travel, then just host it properly and have fun.

Third bolded: I can't even with that.

Fourth bolded: Calm down, acronyms on a wedding board aren't something to freak out about. AHR = At Home Reception. PPD = Pretty Princess Day (when someone is already married but wants to have a "second wedding" and wear their wedding dress and say vows and pretend to get married for a second time, which isn't possible unless they got divorced in between).

No one is trying to be mean to you, we're just trying to fill you in on how some of the things you posted are generally felt to be really rude. And sometimes that clarification is going to be really blunt. No one wants you to have a wedding where you piss off your guests by not knowing that something you're doing is rude. Seriously, lurk on the Etiquette board.

lmcooper86 · March 2015

TwoDimes said:
I'm sure there will be quite an uproar when we don't do the dollar dance too.... another thing that's common around here.

For the record, I would pay many dollars to see you or anyone else on NEY have a dollar dance!

jenjen047 · March 2015

@twodimes - hahahahaha thats great. i think at my wedding H and i will just sit at our table and charge $1 for anyone who wants to come up and congratulate us. extra $ for pictures, though.

@nygcgal85 - i agree with a lot of what was said above, especially @labro saying you need to learn to say no and @twodimes saying maybe you are trying to plan a wedding that just isnt feasible on your budget. there are lots of ways to have a larger reception on a limited budget. personally i am a fan of brunch weddings because who doesnt love getting day-drunk?

@hummingbird125 - im glad im on this board early too because i learn a lot from reading what others post

unrelated/sort of related question - what are peoples thoughts on jack and jill wedding fundraisers? is it just me or is this beyond ridiculous? you might as well just charge admission at the church if you are asking people to donate money to a party they will be invited to. where do people come up with these ideas and how do other people jump on the band wagon?

lavenderfields13 · March 2015

jenjen047 said:
@twodimes - hahahahaha thats great. i think at my wedding H and i will just sit at our table and charge $1 for anyone who wants to come up and congratulate us. extra $ for pictures, though.

@nygcgal85 - i agree with a lot of what was said above, especially @labro saying you need to learn to say no and @twodimes saying maybe you are trying to plan a wedding that just isnt feasible on your budget. there are lots of ways to have a larger reception on a limited budget. personally i am a fan of brunch weddings because who doesnt love getting day-drunk?

@hummingbird125 - im glad im on this board early too because i learn a lot from reading what others post

unrelated/sort of related question - what are peoples thoughts on jack and jill wedding fundraisers? is it just me or is this beyond ridiculous? you might as well just charge admission at the church if you are asking people to donate money to a party they will be invited to. where do people come up with these ideas and how do other people jump on the band wagon?

I've never heard of them until TK but it's tacky AF.

edited because when I'm on TK I can't spell for some reason

eilis1228 · March 2015

LOL It's just a cold! No strep, and apparently my sinuses look fantastic. I'm relieved and slightly embarrassed-- I'm not used to illnesses just being colds. He told me if I don't feel better in a week than I should fill a prescription he gave me, but otherwise I just have to ride it out. He also said that I'm contagious even up to a day or two after my fever goes away, so I may end up working from home for a few more days.

I'm slightly annoyed with FI. I told him it was a cold, which meant he has a cold, and he was like, "No, I never had fever like you do." I told him that colds manifest themselves differently in different people, but that we've had similar enough symptoms that it's likely he has/had a cold too. He actually started arguing with me about it. I finally was like, "Why do you really not think you were sick or had a cold?" and he again came back to the lack of fever. I had to point out that he'd kept himself up for two nights recently because he couldn't stop coughing. He was like, "Oh, well, I don't really know anything about colds. I've never had one before." 0_0 WHAT. I was like, "I guarantee you that you've had a cold before. Not everyone has the same symptoms, but considering we have similar symptoms and I got sick about a week after you did, you likely had a cold. I'm not mad. It's not worth an argument. Just accept it and continue treating it like you have been." MEN!

I should also mention that my period started while I was at the ENT's, so I'm in an extra crabby mood.

@nycgal85 The AHR seems a little unnecessary. Also, if you're paying for that, it's an unnecessary expense. Just use that money towards your wedding. As for the etiquette, yes, you should care. The ceremony is for you, the reception is for the guests. If you can't afford to properly host (i.e. invite their SOs, provide food and drink, and entertain them), then you need to cut your guest list. It's really tough to do. Trust me, I know. I have a huge extended family, and FI and I purposely chose a smaller venue so that we'd have to have a smaller wedding. Making those cuts was REALLY tough. You do what you have to do though. People will understand. I also had family members threaten to call me out on social media if they didn't receive an invitation, and I've had other family members basically say they were entitled to or accepted an invitation. Wedding politics can be really tough. If you have to cut some OOT friends or coworkers to make room for the family members that will cause drama, then do that. You and your FI need to sit down and think long and hard about your budget and what that means for your guest list. Is your priority no family drama? Well, then you're going to have to cut non-family members. Is your priority to host the people closest to you? Then cut the second cousins and family drama be damned.

@jenjen047 actually made a really good point about thinking of it like any other party. Would you cut a friend's new SO from the list because they weren't "serious?" Probably not. Would you make people pay for alcohol? LOL no.

You seem really overwhelmed and stressed right now. You guys JUST got engaged too. Take a step away from wedding planning and clear your head. Come back to this in a month or so. You have oodles of time.

jenjen047 · March 2015

@twodimes and @lavenderfields13 - yeah its basically what it sounds like. the couple hosts an event with the end goal being a profit for them to put towards their wedding. usually there is an admission price for the event and then raffles, auctions, etc. of stuff at the event. people justify it by saying "but the guests can win cool stuff!".....to which i say:

GoldenPenguin · March 2015

I never realized how terrible & tacky dollar dances were until I was older - every wedding I went to at home had one, and they probably still do. I also had never been to a wedding with an open bar.

Knowing what I know now, any subsequent wedding I go to in Maine, I will cringe. Probably eye roll. Mostly cringe.

Swazzle · March 2015

Ohhh I forgot to mention that I got some good news!

My accountant called and instead of us owing $3500 to the IRS and $1500 to NJ, he got it down to us owing $1900 to the IRS and $900 to NJ! It's still a lot of money but SO much better than it would have been if we just went ahead and filed through H&R or TurboTax so I will take it!

jenjen047 · March 2015

@swazzle - wooooo for saving money!!

AuroraRose41 · March 2015

@nycgal85 deep breaths. I do agree with PP's, but I know that NY is an expensive state to have a wedding in. Would you be open to more alternative venues so that you can accomodate everyone on your guest list (including SO's, even if they have been dating a week)? I know of a few summer camps in the Hudson Valley that do rentals, and they can either work with you for the menu or you can bring in your own caterer most of the time to really cut costs.

I don't mind helping out, as I researched venues in the Hudson Valley, Albany, and the Adirondacks, and could probably find something within your budget. However, please listen to what PP's have said. I have been on the guest side of many etiquette blunders, and my relationship with those couples have not been the same ever since. There are definitely ways to properly host everyone within your budget. This is not flaming you; this is just advice from someone who has been there and doesn't want you to make the same mistakes. That's what everyone in this thread is trying to do.

Also, I know you mentioned on the other thread that you have OOT guests flying in, but Albany does have a decent sized airport too if some of the venues there are within your budget. Many of the venues up there are expensive, but there are some options that I can think of that would work and might be worth the trip for you.

ETA: Also, there is no shame in pushing the wedding back if you need more time to save up. Initially FI and I were looking at a winter 2016 or summer 2017 wedding, because we weren't sure if we could afford it before then. We got lucky and found a venue that we could afford by summer 2016. You don't have a venue yet, so this is an easy thing to do to afford the wedding you want and properly host everyone.

bethsmiles · March 2015

@swazzle - Yay for owing less!

@jenjen047 - Jack and Jills are so cringe worthy! I can't believe anyone sees that as an okay thing to do. I'd be so embarrassed for anyone I knew who had one. Thankfully, I'd never heard of them before now. Also, yes to brunch weddings being the best! My life will be complete if I am ever invited to a brunch wedding. BF and I have had hypothetical totally not BSC conversations about what we might want in terms of a wedding discussed doing brunch but we also aren't really morning people so I don't know if we actually will.

eilis1228 · March 2015

I would love to attend a brunch wedding. I would hate to be in one because it would require getting up at the butt crack of dawn. But OMG brunch!

Peaseblossom55 · March 2015

@swazzle yay for owing less $$$

@eilis1228 we attended a brunch wedding, the food was so good and yes OMG brunch. H & I weren't in the wedding but we had to get up pretty early to be there.

labro · March 2015

@Swazzle That's such good news on your taxes! I'm so glad you aren't having to pay AS much in taxes anymore. It still sucks, but this sucks much less!

AuroraRose41 · March 2015

@imcooper86 I hope you get some more RSVP's soon!

@bethsmiles I hope your paycheck is correct next pay day then. That is weird that they seperate it like that.

@cocobellaf good luck tomorrow!

@twodimes that is really weird with your FMIL! I hope Easter is not too bad, but have lots of wine on standby JIC!

@swazzle I am sorry about all of the car trouble! But at least you don't owe as much to the IRS!

@eilis1228 I hope you feel better soon!

@cu79tiger I hope your meeting went well and that you got that raise! Also your career advice today has been wonderful and I am definitely taking some of it to heart, especially now that I am considering a career change (and possibly company change too).

@untouchablets (I hope I spelled that right!), I think your friend's offer sounds awesome, especially if you would enjoy it more too. I hope the insurance cost is reasonable so that you take that offer!

@lavenderfields13 I don't think you are doing anything wrong. The venue won't remove it, so that isn't your fault, and your sign will let guests know what is hosted.

I know I have been MIA lately; work has been a bit busy, and I have also been researching event ideas for the planning committee that I am on in my free time. Nothing extremely new going on here. FI's bike is fixed, and his ankle is pretty much healed now (he had a large cut on it and a sprain from the fall).

We went apartment hunting on Saturday. It's a bit early, as our lease isn't up until June 7, but there are so many options that we wanted to give ourselves time to narrow them down. We found one that we liked this weekend, but it is a little more expensive than what we would like to pay. We can afford it, but that means not as much money saved up for the wedding and honeymoon and eventually house. We are also considering renting a house if we can find one in our price range, but want to have some apartment complexes in mind as a Plan B if we don't.

We also saw a complex that was very nice, and the apartment had a huge kitchen, but the entire area reminded us both of The Stepford Wives. All of the architecture was the same (even the surrounding houses!), the only stores were big chain stores with the same architecture as the houses and apartments, and everyone had BMW's or Mercedes. It was bizarre and we didn't feel comfortable at all, and didn't feel that we would fit in with my Subaru and his motorcycle.

We did decide to hire a videographer for the wedding last week. FI decided it was important to have video of it, so we figured out that we could afford it and cut some other things (like flowers/decor; there will be no cuts that affect our guests' comfort) if need be.

jenjen047 · March 2015

@aurorarose41 - dont feel bad.....we arent looking to move until sept/oct but ive already been scouring complexes as though im moving next week.....its actually giving me somewhere to channel my BSC-ness

bethsmiles · March 2015

@AuroraRose41 - Good luck with the apartment hunting! That Stepford Wives one sounds creepy! I don't blame you for not feeling comfortable there!

Hummingbird125 · March 2015

Just chiming in to agree that I too, would LOVE to be invited to a brunch reception. ALL THAT BACON. And I bet there would be a waffle bar. And a mimosa bar. Oooh - and an omelette station. And hash browns? Maybe even a whole display of croissants and cheese danishes.

...... can you tell I like brunch?

AuroraRose41 · March 2015

@jenjen047 it works for distracting you from other things! I search Trulia almost daily now. It's difficult though because housing is outrageous here in San Diego. The decent studios alone cost $1300+ a month, and we are trying to find a 2 bedroom for under $1900. Most we are finding are in the $2300 range though.

AuroraRose41 · March 2015

Also totally jumping on the brunch train. I would LOVE to be invited to a brunch wedding, but then again I just like brunch in general. I was actually thinking of adding on some more food to our after party with brunch food, because I crave bacon egg and cheese sandwiches when I am drunk.

Which reminds me, did you guys hear? McDonald's is testing out 24/7 breakfast in San Diego! McGriddles at 11 pm here I come! It's terrible for my diet, but I am so freaking excited for it.

bethsmiles · March 2015

AuroraRose41 said:
Also totally jumping on the brunch train. I would LOVE to be invited to a brunch wedding, but then again I just like brunch in general. I was actually thinking of adding on some more food to our after party with brunch food, because I crave bacon egg and cheese sandwiches when I am drunk.

Which reminds me, did you guys hear? McDonald's is testing out 24/7 breakfast in San Diego! McGriddles at 11 pm here I come! It's terrible for my diet, but I am so freaking excited for it.

This is brilliant! McDonalds Breakfast is my go to hangover food but I never really want to get up early enough when I'm hung over to go get it!

AuroraRose41 · March 2015

bethsmiles said:

AuroraRose41 said:
Also totally jumping on the brunch train. I would LOVE to be invited to a brunch wedding, but then again I just like brunch in general. I was actually thinking of adding on some more food to our after party with brunch food, because I crave bacon egg and cheese sandwiches when I am drunk.

Which reminds me, did you guys hear? McDonald's is testing out 24/7 breakfast in San Diego! McGriddles at 11 pm here I come! It's terrible for my diet, but I am so freaking excited for it.
This is brilliant! McDonalds Breakfast is my go to hangover food but I never really want to get up early enough when I'm hung over to go get it!

I know! FI and I have had a few times where we had missed it by 3 minutes after a night of drinking. I absolutely can't wait, because right now the only time I get it is when I am in an airport in the early morning. For whatever reason I really crave it when I am sleep deprived too, and I have this bad habit of only getting 3 hours of sleep before a flight because I pack at the last minute.

speakeasy14 · March 2015

Been swamped at work today and I came on here and...

lmcooper86 · March 2015

I loooooove brunch. My FSIL/FMIL had a brunch shower for me and there were waffles and mimosas and a ton of other food and it was wonderful. I would love to go to a brunch wedding...although like @eilis1228I cringe to think about how early the bride would have to get up to get ready.

bethsmiles · March 2015

lmcooper86 said:
I loooooove brunch. My FSIL/FMIL had a brunch shower for me and there were waffles and mimosas and a ton of other food and it was wonderful. I would love to go to a brunch wedding...although like @eilis1228I cringe to think about how early the bride would have to get up to get ready.

I'm totally clueless about this - but how long does it take to get ready? Could a bride get up at like 8 and still be ready for a 10 am ceremony?

bethsmiles · March 2015

TwoDimes said:

bethsmiles said:

lmcooper86 said:
I loooooove brunch. My FSIL/FMIL had a brunch shower for me and there were waffles and mimosas and a ton of other food and it was wonderful. I would love to go to a brunch wedding...although like @eilis1228I cringe to think about how early the bride would have to get up to get ready.
I'm totally clueless about this - but how long does it take to get ready? Could a bride get up at like 8 and still be ready for a 10 am ceremony?
Probably not... I'm scheduled for 2 hours of makeup and hair alone. Plus we are doing like 3 hours of photography before the ceremony.

2 hours?! I didn't realize it took so long to get ready.

lmcooper86 · March 2015

bethsmiles said:

TwoDimes said:

bethsmiles said:

lmcooper86 said:
I loooooove brunch. My FSIL/FMIL had a brunch shower for me and there were waffles and mimosas and a ton of other food and it was wonderful. I would love to go to a brunch wedding...although like @eilis1228I cringe to think about how early the bride would have to get up to get ready.
I'm totally clueless about this - but how long does it take to get ready? Could a bride get up at like 8 and still be ready for a 10 am ceremony?
Probably not... I'm scheduled for 2 hours of makeup and hair alone. Plus we are doing like 3 hours of photography before the ceremony.
2 hours?! I didn't realize it took so long to get ready.

Yeah...my tentative timeline morning-of has a couple hours of getting-ready time and a couple hours of photography. That being said, it's hair for 5 girls and makeup for 6 (my mom doesn't need her hair done), so that obviously means it will take time to have everyone ready to go.

I think if you had a very small bridal party or weren't doing a lot of photography before the ceremony then it would maybe be more feasible.

This makes me curious, ladies who are married: how long did it take you to get ready the morning-of? How many people were getting ready with you?

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