I RSVP'D "no" for the first time!!!

Bubblegum5586 · April 2015

I have been to 30+ weddings and have never declined a wedding invite. The thought had never crossed my mind... I had flown across country for a few weddings as well as drive decent distances.

I have a wedding next month for my cousin who I am not particularity close to, she didn't come to my wedding (not that they are tit for tat but it helped make me feel better), 4 hour drive to the middle of nowhere, would need to pay for a hotel and H really wanted to go see one of his fav bands that same night...

On top of that the RSVP date was 5 1/2 weeks out and 4 days before the date she messages me asking me if I cam coming (so now 6 weeks out). Either she is very excited or plans to B-list (or likely both). So that was a little off putting too...

PLUS we have 2 other weddings this summer we are SUPER excited for that both need hotel accommodations for 2 nights each plus shower and wedding gifts so that is all adding up.

I know I don't need to justify declining with all this info... but it feels weird to decline! Haha I am crazy....

What makes you decline a wedding?

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

What makes me decline weddings:

- if it's obvious the hosting will be awful (i.e. gap, "cake/punch" reception at 5pm, etc.)

- if I would have to take PTO and I have other stuff planned

- if I'm just not that close to people

Usually, I still send a gift. I know it's not required, but I like to send something. If it's people I barely know and it's obvious it was a courtesy invite, I'll still send $75 or something. If it's people we're really close with and we're super bummed we can't go (this happened with two weddings last year), we'll send $250 or so. It just depends.

lovegood90 · April 2015

I understand where you're coming from! I always feel an "obligation" to attend weddings even though I know it's no big deal to decline.

I haven't been to a ton of weddings so I haven't had a ton of opportunities to decline. But I would decline a wedding if it required me to take vacation time off or was really far away that would require the same budget as a vacation (ie flights and hotels), especially if it was for someone who was a distant family member or friend I hadn't kept in touch with.

I have limited vacation time so I refuse to use it on a wedding. I also am only okay with spending the $ to fly/drive long distances if it's for a holiday or vacation. If it was like, my mom's wedding or someone really close to me, I'd try to make it work though. Assuming their wedding isn't on like, a Thursday morning, which then I don't think they'd care if I made it.

jenna8984 · April 2015

I do not attend weddings that need a flight/hotel ever. I mean I would do it for my brother or my best friend, but those were never the circumstances. Declined friend in AZ, declined cousin in OH. Vacation time and money is so limited that we really budget it for places we chose.

We went to one in Cancun because we had 100% already decided to go there as a vacation, so my friend was like well why don't you go a month later than you planned and come to my wedding. So we did.

climbingsingle · April 2015

You know what? Come to think of it, I don't know that I've ever declined a wedding either. Hmm. I must think on this some more.

littlepep · April 2015

We just declined a wedding that is out of town for us. We would have to pay for flight, rental car (because it's in another town from the airport), hotel, etc. Originally we were thinking it could be a mini vacation, but with our own wedding we don't have the time or money.

I usually send a gift if I'm close to the person. If not, I won't. Sometimes we get wedding invites and we're like huh?? why?

photokitty · April 2015

Football Saturdays make me decline...there's 40 other weekends - pick one of them

I decline one last fall bc it was on a home football Saturday - it was also dry, which is fine, but I was't giving up a game and staying sober. She fully expected me to decline bc of the game and even said so at the bach party

Sent a gift - Macy's sent her the wrong the thing, she was oddly disappointed when she told me they were making her send back the glasses (that she didn't register for) so she would get her fine china item.

I decline another one years ago, sorority sister, didn't like the groom. I think I sent a gift, she and I weren't close - everyone in the sorority was invited bc it was the summer after graduation.

Another sorority sister right out of college - didn't have car that could make the 3 hour drive. Sent a gift - a lame one (pasta strainer, not her registry, spoon and pasta), but all I could afford.

Last summer DH and I decline a 3 city AHR tour with registry info on the invite from his high school friend he hasn't seen in 15+ years. Did not send a gift.

ETA - I forgot, couldn't make it to my good friend's wedding out of state. My (first) wedding was a month later. I went to send a gift, but when asked about the registry I was told there wasn't much on it and directed to the HM registry. I didn't end up sending a gift. He didn't make it to my wedding and didn't send a gift either. We're still great friends. OH, and he originally asked me to photograph the wedding - I declined. It actually played into my overall decline.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

I think I have only declined one wedding. I did so because H wasn't going to be in town and I didn't want to go by myself. Yes, I would have known some other people there, but I just prefer to attend these types of things with H.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2015

I've never declined based on perceived etiquette infractions. I would have declined my brother's wedding for a GIANT FIGHT that started from an etiquette infraction (long story) but he uninvited me before I had the chance to mail it in. So I set it on fire.

The only wedding I've declined was when I already had a trip scheduled for that weekend. I'm pretty sure I was B-listed to it, but I would have gone if I was in town.

amelisha · April 2015

I decline DWs for everyone but very close friends (basically everyone except the dozen or so we invited to ours.) My vacation time is limited and I pretty much will only use it for the few people we'd go on a regular vacation with if there wasn't a wedding.

I decline if we won't know many other people there (weddings outside our circle of friends.) I'm a textbook introvert and making conversation with strangers all night is my own little personal hell, and I'm just not willing to do it anymore unless I have to for work or something.

And I decline if it conflicts with something I've already paid for in my schedule - concert tickets, a vacation, whatever - unless it's, again, a very close friend.

I don't really feel bad about declining invites, honestly. I really don't enjoy weddings as a rule ("dinner and dance" type receptions especially...) so I only want to go if it's people I really love a lot. Fortunately, all my best friends are married now so I'm done with weddings forever after mine, which I'm kind of just trying to pretend is a fun vacation where I'm going to buy everyone dinner one night.

thisismynickname2 · April 2015

At first I though, "I've never declined one!" and then realized I had. Shows you how important those people were.

The one was a co-worker who did a "let me know if you want to come and I'll invite you!" deal. I originally said I'd go so I got officially invited. It was a several hour drive and in the end I thought, eh, why bother. Did not send a gift.

Another coworker was getting married the same day as a close friend, for whom I was a bridesmaid. I did attend that co-worker's shower and gave her a nice gift though.

flyingfoxes · April 2015

I had to decline a high school friend's wedding because I'd just bought a house at the time and money was too tight for travel to Florida for it. I also just declined my second cousin's daughter's wedding this summer because it's about 4 days before FI is supposed to report for duty at his new station so we will be right smack in the middle of getting settled in the new place.

KatieinBkln · April 2015

I've had very few to decline, honestly. Usually it's logistical reasons that prevent me (a family AHR that was on a weekday while I was in school, one of FI's friends' convalidation ceremony that fell in the middle of another event I was involved in, etc.)

I haven't had any "aw hell naw" declines due to etiquette breaches. But honestly not that many of my friends have gotten married yet. And most family weddings were doable, especially since my parents have a lovely tendency to pay for our travel/hotels whenever a cousin gets married, ha.

If it's family or a close friend I also send a gift from afar.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226 · April 2015

Last May I was verbally told by an acquaintance that FI and I were going to be invited to her wedding. I thought it was strange because we aren't close and only have like 1 mutual friend. Her FI and mine used to be a lot closer but don't talk much anymore. Cut to July, mutual friend receives her invite and we don't. It was fine, I didn't want to go anyway. Well about 2 weeks before their August 25th wedding, we get our invite. It was postmarked 3 days before so I know it didn't get lost or anything. We were clearly B list. There wasn't even an RSVP card or contact info to RSVP. I just Facebook'd the bride to be and told her we couldn't attend and she never responded so I didn't send a gift either and they are definitely not invited to our wedding. It felt good to say no.

kmmssg · April 2015

I won't fly for weddings and I don't pay holiday hotel prices for weddings(well maybe for my nieces and nephews but that's about it). I am strongly of the opinion that my attendance at someone's wedding isn't indicative of how much i like/love them and it doesn't make me a bad relative or friend if I don't attend.

anjemon · April 2015

I declined one a few years ago because I had another wedding on the same day - I actually think I might have declined two weddings for that weekend because my good friend was getting married and he invited us first. But that's the only reason I can think of for declining, if we already had other plans.

But most of the weddings I've been invited to recently have been family, so I'm going to make more of an effort to be there.

bethsmiles · April 2015

I've probably rsvp'd no for more weddings than I've sent in a yes. When a lot of my friends were getting married I was doing grad school and they kept getting married in the middle of the semester on weekdays so I just couldn't justify missing classes or the costs for traveling since a lot of them were out of town. I also didn't go to my cousin's wedding because we aren't close and it was across the country.

MadHops21 · April 2015

I'm going to a wedding this summer. So excited, this will be the first wedding I'll actually be going by myself with FI and spending the night in a hotel.

Wedding ceremony at noon in Lombard, IL.

At 5:30pm, there is a ring blessing in Indiana, followed by reception.

Yeah, it's a huge gap and an 1.5 hour drive or so, but I really like this guy and his FI so we are going to go. We don't really care about a big gap because it gives us time to eat lunch and explore Indiana and the hotel. But if it was someone else, I'd probably be saying no.

melbenso · April 2015

The only time I have ever declined wedding invitations is when there was extensive travel involved and we could not afford to go or if we had other plans previously scheduled (e.g., I did not attend H's cousin's wedding a few years ago because of a preplanned commitment with my family. H went to the wedding and flew down for my family thing a day later.)

I've never been invited to a wedding that I knew up front would have so many etiquette mistakes I couldn't stand to go (and I've fortunately never attended one either). But then again, I'm fairly forgiving. I'll side-eye an cash bar, etc., but I won't let it get in the way of my having a good time.

ETA - side-eye a cash bar, not an open bar. Oops.

Cookie Pusher · April 2015

DH and I just recently declined a wedding for someone we thought we were pretty close to, but apparently aren't. Basically, it looked like it was going to be an etiquette shit-show, and there was no way I was spending a ton of time and money on this:

- Clearly B-listed (received the invitation the last day of the month, original RSVP date was the next day - which they hand wrote a revised RSVP date on)

- Outdoor ceremony in winter in the northeast where they dictated not only dress code (floor length gowns for ladies, suits for gents) but also a color palette

- No indication of rain/snow/cold weather plan for the outdoor ceremony (we were reminded to dress warmly and told to wear lawn shoes)

- 2.5 hour gap

- Different dress code for the reception!

- Cash bar

- Honeymoon fund

- Pre-wedding brunch where we were being invited to assemble centerpieces

KatieinBkln · April 2015

melbenso said:
The only time I have ever declined wedding invitations is when there was extensive travel involved and we could not afford to go or if we had other plans previously scheduled (e.g., I did not attend H's cousin's wedding a few years ago because of a preplanned commitment with my family. H went to the wedding and flew down for my family thing a day later.)

I've never been invited to a wedding that I knew up front would have so many etiquette mistakes I couldn't stand to go (and I've fortunately never attended one either). But then again, I'm fairly forgiving. I'll side-eye an open bar, etc., but I won't let it get in the way of my having a good time.

This.

Also, I'd much rather judge things in person rather than decline ahead of time on principle. Even the rudest wedding usually has free food and decent company, anyway. Intermittent internal eye-rolling interspersed with gettin' down to cheesy DJ music? Sounds fun to me!

MadHops21 · April 2015

KatieinBkln said:
The only time I have ever declined wedding invitations is when there was extensive travel involved and we could not afford to go or if we had other plans previously scheduled (e.g., I did not attend H's cousin's wedding a few years ago because of a preplanned commitment with my family. H went to the wedding and flew down for my family thing a day later.)

I've never been invited to a wedding that I knew up front would have so many etiquette mistakes I couldn't stand to go (and I've fortunately never attended one either). But then again, I'm fairly forgiving. I'll side-eye an open bar, etc., but I won't let it get in the way of my having a good time.

This.

Also, I'd much rather judge things in person rather than decline ahead of time on principle. Even the rudest wedding usually has free food and decent company, anyway. Intermittent internal eye-rolling interspersed with gettin' down to cheesy DJ music? Sounds fun to me!

See, this is why I love going to weddings. I don't care if there's etiquette cringing moments, I love free food and dancing. I'll probably snark on a cash bar later to FI, but I love me some free food and an opportunity to dance.

badbnagdway · April 2015

I have declined two weddings. One was for a co-worker I didn't really even know. She sent everyone at work email invitations.

The other was the wedding of a cousin. I had originally planned to go, but I never got a save the date (other people in the family did). And then I got my invite about three weeks before the event, just a couple days before the deadline. Until I got the invite I didn't know the actual date of the wedding, just the month. I'm pretty sure me and several of my other cousins were actually b-listed because they planned the wedding for two years, surely they didn't wait until less than 5 weeks out to actually send invites. At that point, because it was an OOT wedding, the hassle of getting last minute plane tickets and an existing work obligation (it was a Friday wedding) meant I couldn't go. I sent the bride and groom their KitchenAid mixer (put my other sisters' names on the card as well).

My aunt and uncle were furious and said I didn't want to go because I didn't like the groom. I had met the groom only twice and had no feelings one way or the other, but frankly the aunt and uncle didn't like the groom and were projecting. Basically my declining meant that everyone on that side of the family now hates me because they all felt I should have gone to the wedding regardless of what it cost and my work schedule. Interestingly, that same aunt and uncle can't come to my wedding because why? Time off of work and money. I guess that's a real reason to not attend after all.

mrsk616 · April 2015

i didnt go to my one cousins because they sent invite to my parents with one rsvp card for 6 people. so i said nope not going. plus it was a shot gun wedding anyways

eta: i also didnt go to another cousins because i never got an invite and then he invited me via facebook. i ended up working a 9am-130am shift at work and had to work another 9am-7pm the day of the wedding so i didnt go.

KatieinBkln · April 2015

mrsk616 said:
i didnt go to my one cousins because they sent invite to my parents with one rsvp card for 6 people. so i said nope not going. plus it was a shot gun wedding anyways

eta: i also didnt go to another cousins because i never got an invite and then he invited me via facebook. i ended up working a 9am-130am shift at work and had to work another 9am-7pm the day of the wedding so i didnt go.

Well then it's obviously not legitimate.

littlepep · April 2015

photokitty said:
Football Saturdays make me decline...there's 40 other weekends - pick one of them

I decline one last fall bc it was on a home football Saturday - it was also dry, which is fine, but I was't giving up a game and staying sober. She fully expected me to decline bc of the game and even said so at the bach party Sent a gift - Macy's sent her the wrong the thing, she was oddly disappointed when she told me they were making her send back the glasses (that she didn't register for) so she would get her fine china item.

I decline another one years ago, sorority sister, didn't like the groom. I think I sent a gift, she and I weren't close - everyone in the sorority was invited bc it was the summer after graduation.

Another sorority sister right out of college - didn't have car that could make the 3 hour drive. Sent a gift - a lame one (pasta strainer, not her registry, spoon and pasta), but all I could afford.

Last summer DH and I decline a 3 city AHR tour with registry info on the invite from his high school friend he hasn't seen in 15+ years. Did not send a gift.

ETA - I forgot, couldn't make it to my good friend's wedding out of state. My (first) wedding was a month later. I went to send a gift, but when asked about the registry I was told there wasn't much on it and directed to the HM registry. I didn't end up sending a gift. He didn't make it to my wedding and didn't send a gift either. We're still great friends. OH, and he originally asked me to photograph the wedding - I declined. It actually played into my overall decline.

YES YES YES. I have declined for that reason too.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226 · April 2015

thisismynickname said:
At first I though, "I've never declined one!" and then realized I had. Shows you how important those people were.

The one was a co-worker who did a "let me know if you want to come and I'll invite you!" deal. I originally said I'd go so I got officially invited. It was a several hour drive and in the end I thought, eh, why bother. Did not send a gift.
Another coworker was getting married the same day as a close friend, for whom I was a bridesmaid. I did attend that co-worker's shower and gave her a nice gift though.

Forgot about another two until I read this. I got a STD for a wedding in June and I'm in another wedding that day so I told my friend I can't go to hers. Not sure if they'll still send an invite. We also got a STD for a wedding in August but I will be in Florida and my FI won't go to Iowa alone so that will be another decline.

littlepep · April 2015

Cookie Pusher said:
DH and I just recently declined a wedding for someone we thought we were pretty close to, but apparently aren't. Basically, it looked like it was going to be an etiquette shit-show, and there was no way I was spending a ton of time and money on this:

- Clearly B-listed (received the invitation the last day of the month, original RSVP date was the next day - which they hand wrote a revised RSVP date on)
- Outdoor ceremony in winter in the northeast where they dictated not only dress code (floor length gowns for ladies, suits for gents) but also a color palette
- No indication of rain/snow/cold weather plan for the outdoor ceremony (we were reminded to dress warmly and told to wear lawn shoes)
- 2.5 hour gap
- Different dress code for the reception!
- Cash bar
- Honeymoon fund
- Pre-wedding brunch where we were being invited to assemble centerpieces

They expect you to change outfits between ceremony and reception??

KatieinBkln · April 2015

littlepep said:

Cookie Pusher said:
DH and I just recently declined a wedding for someone we thought we were pretty close to, but apparently aren't. Basically, it looked like it was going to be an etiquette shit-show, and there was no way I was spending a ton of time and money on this:

- Clearly B-listed (received the invitation the last day of the month, original RSVP date was the next day - which they hand wrote a revised RSVP date on)
- Outdoor ceremony in winter in the northeast where they dictated not only dress code (floor length gowns for ladies, suits for gents) but also a color palette
- No indication of rain/snow/cold weather plan for the outdoor ceremony (we were reminded to dress warmly and told to wear lawn shoes)
- 2.5 hour gap
- Different dress code for the reception!
- Cash bar
- Honeymoon fund
- Pre-wedding brunch where we were being invited to assemble centerpieces

They expect you to change outfits between ceremony and reception??

If I'm expected to do multiple costume changes and relocate to several "sets" on-location, I fully expect to be paid like a movie star.

banana468 · April 2015

We've had to decline a few:

1) B&G are good friends (G was actually DH's BM) but their wedding was out of the country. We had to decline for cost, time we'd need to be out of work, and there was a good chance that DH's job wouldn't let him travel to that country anyway (he has security clearance for his job and he needs to clear out of country travel in advance).

2) Wedding for DH's cousin on the same day of wedding where DH was a GM.

3) Wedding in TX for a cousin and I was 6 mo pregnant.

DH's cousin had a wedding on Friday and blessing on Saturday (Orthodox wedding Friday / Catholic blessing Saturday - not a PPD situation). I was 5 mo post partum and only went to the Saturday event.

Cookie Pusher · April 2015

littlepep said:

Cookie Pusher said:
DH and I just recently declined a wedding for someone we thought we were pretty close to, but apparently aren't. Basically, it looked like it was going to be an etiquette shit-show, and there was no way I was spending a ton of time and money on this:

- Clearly B-listed (received the invitation the last day of the month, original RSVP date was the next day - which they hand wrote a revised RSVP date on)
- Outdoor ceremony in winter in the northeast where they dictated not only dress code (floor length gowns for ladies, suits for gents) but also a color palette
- No indication of rain/snow/cold weather plan for the outdoor ceremony (we were reminded to dress warmly and told to wear lawn shoes)
- 2.5 hour gap
- Different dress code for the reception!
- Cash bar
- Honeymoon fund
- Pre-wedding brunch where we were being invited to assemble centerpieces

They expect you to change outfits between ceremony and reception??

Well, of course. Why do you think they provided that nifty 2.5 hour gap? *eye roll*

I RSVP'D "no" for the first time!!!

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