Wedding Etiquette Forum

The "No Kids" thing...again...

I know the kid thing has been asked to death but I feel like I am losing my mind. We are having a no-kids wedding. FI's daughter will be 18 when we get married and will be the only "kid" there. My issue is this: I have a co-worker who knows she is invited who keeps saying she is going to dress her daughter up (who will then be about 3) and make her my flower girl. The first time she mentioned this, I stated we weren't having kids at the wedding to which she then replied she wasn't coming. I told her I understood but explained the costs, etc (and she just got married last year, so she KNOWS all of this stuff). She has since mentioned it like 5 times. I've gotten to the point when I'm just ignoring it. How do I make sure she understands that I'm not joking around about the kid thing?

I also have two bridesmaids who have mentioned bringing their children even though I have said that it is an adults only wedding and reception. I think one bridesmaid got it. The other one hasn't. And my MOH has even mentioned on multiple occasions that she has found a babysitter for her daughter since we aren't allowing children.

Does anyone have any hints on other ways I can say, "no kids." Other than just that? And I know some people don't agree with that decision but I can't afford it and we are already whittling our list down from a ton of friends we want to invite.

I also apologize for how poorly this is written but I'm on my phone and once just accosted again by the co-worker so I'm frustrated.

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Re: The "No Kids" thing...again...

  • Wow...sorry about the typo's!

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Well your FSD will be 18, so a legal adult.

    Regardless you are allowed to invite who you want. 

     Sometimes you just have to be blunt about no kids.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    fyrchkd&bbride2015
  • This is my nightmare! But it sounds to me like you are doing all of the right things... I seriously can't believe someone stated she is going to make her daughter be your flower girl... I'm sure if you WERE going to have a flower girl there is a girl that is much closer to you that you would have selected. That's as bad as someone saying "I'm so excited to be a bridesmaid" when you never asked them.
    Knottie23368624fyrchk
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Some parents are blinded by their little Special Snowflakes in training. Stand firm. Tell those mom's that their children aren't invited and they won't be allowed in if they show up. I can't believe the audacity of your coworker.
    By the way, your daughter isn't a child, but if she was it's your prerogative to invite her to your 'no kids' wedding. You don't have to justify your guest list to anybody.
                       
    fyrchkKimberlyR1002
  • fyrchk said:

    I know the kid thing has been asked to death but I feel like I am losing my mind. We are having a no-kids wedding. FI's daughter will be 18 when we get married and will be the only "kid" there. My issue is this: I have a co-worker who knows she is invited who keeps saying she is going to dress her daughter up (who will then be about 3) and make her my flower girl. The first time she mentioned this, I stated we weren't having kids at the wedding to which she then replied she wasn't coming. I told her I understood but explained the costs, etc (and she just got married last year, so she KNOWS all of this stuff). She has since mentioned it like 5 times. I've gotten to the point when I'm just ignoring it. How do I make sure she understands that I'm not joking around about the kid thing?

    I also have two bridesmaids who have mentioned bringing their children even though I have said that it is an adults only wedding and reception. I think one bridesmaid got it. The other one hasn't. And my MOH has even mentioned on multiple occasions that she has found a babysitter for her daughter since we aren't allowing children.

    Does anyone have any hints on other ways I can say, "no kids." Other than just that? And I know some people don't agree with that decision but I can't afford it and we are already whittling our list down from a ton of friends we want to invite.

    I also apologize for how poorly this is written but I'm on my phone and once just accosted again by the co-worker so I'm frustrated.

    Not trying to hijack your thread, but I don't get this. We had someone offer up their kid as flower girl as well, and we'e not even close to them. Close enough to invite them but not close enough to have them in the wedding party (if we were even having one). Now I'm wondering if they're concerned it'll be a "no kids" wedding and that't their way of getting the kids invited (the kids are definitely invited btw, our wedding is super kid friendly).
    fyrchk
  • Eek! I'm having an adult only reception and it really hasn't been an issue for me...I made it clear by addressing invites and on my wedding page...
    fyrchk
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited April 2015

    Eek! I'm having an adult only reception and it really hasn't been an issue for me...I made it clear by addressing invites and on my wedding page...

    How exactly did you "make it clear" ? Hopefully you simply addressed the invitations only to those persons actually invited. If you put any kind of "no kids" or "adults only" message on them, then that'd be rude. It'd not polite to list who isn't invited.

    OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. You may just have to take these people aside and tell them, "Listen: I've told you several times that your kids are not invited. This isn't changing. Please don't bring them, because we won't be able to accommodate them." Don't explain or defend your decision, because these people will see that as opening the door to further argument about it.
    fyrchk
  • fyrchk said:

    I know the kid thing has been asked to death but I feel like I am losing my mind. We are having a no-kids wedding. FI's daughter will be 18 when we get married and will be the only "kid" there. My issue is this: I have a co-worker who knows she is invited who keeps saying she is going to dress her daughter up (who will then be about 3) and make her my flower girl. The first time she mentioned this, I stated we weren't having kids at the wedding to which she then replied she wasn't coming. I told her I understood but explained the costs, etc (and she just got married last year, so she KNOWS all of this stuff). She has since mentioned it like 5 times. I've gotten to the point when I'm just ignoring it. How do I make sure she understands that I'm not joking around about the kid thing?

    I also have two bridesmaids who have mentioned bringing their children even though I have said that it is an adults only wedding and reception. I think one bridesmaid got it. The other one hasn't. And my MOH has even mentioned on multiple occasions that she has found a babysitter for her daughter since we aren't allowing children.

    Does anyone have any hints on other ways I can say, "no kids." Other than just that? And I know some people don't agree with that decision but I can't afford it and we are already whittling our list down from a ton of friends we want to invite.

    I also apologize for how poorly this is written but I'm on my phone and once just accosted again by the co-worker so I'm frustrated.

    Nope. You just have to keep telling them that their children are not invited and if this causes problems for them coming to the wedding, you will make arrangements to visit them after. Who in the Hell are these entitled parents that ASK if they can bring their uninvited children? 
    fyrchk
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    How in the world does inviting your FI daughter who is actually a legal adult make this lady think that her 3 year old child should now be included.  And further, how insane is she to push her kid as your flower girl?  I just don't understand some parents thinking.

    fyrchkhuskypuppy14SP29
  • I should also include, I've only seen her daughter one time. Ever.

    Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I'm just frustrated because I've said, "No children." And it's like I haven't said a word. I kind of get why people put it on invitations now even though it's considered tacky. It's like, "YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING! YOU CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME!" I'm trying to figure out the best way to word the RSVP card that doesn't allow for the addition of kids.

    Sorry, kinda rage-y this morning.

  • How in the world does inviting your FI daughter who is actually a legal adult make this lady think that her 3 year old child should now be included.  And further, how insane is she to push her kid as your flower girl?  I just don't understand some parents thinking.

    She probably wants to dress the kid up and parade her around like a princess, and the OPs wedding is as good an excuse as any.  I know people like this, and they scare me.
    Maggie0829fyrchksouthernbelle0915cupcait927
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    fyrchk said:

    I should also include, I've only seen her daughter one time. Ever.

    Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I'm just frustrated because I've said, "No children." And it's like I haven't said a word. I kind of get why people put it on invitations now even though it's considered tacky. It's like, "YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING! YOU CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME!" I'm trying to figure out the best way to word the RSVP card that doesn't allow for the addition of kids.

    Sorry, kinda rage-y this morning.

    I think you can do something like, "1 seat is reserved in your honour" and then "(coworker name)__accepts __declines." So that it's very clear that ONE person is invited, and the ONE person invited is your coworker since you've written her name next to the option to accept/decline, you know?

    Formerly martha1818

    image


    fyrchkthisismynickname2huskypuppy14KimberlyR1002
  • Heffalump said:

    How in the world does inviting your FI daughter who is actually a legal adult make this lady think that her 3 year old child should now be included.  And further, how insane is she to push her kid as your flower girl?  I just don't understand some parents thinking.

    She probably wants to dress the kid up and parade her around like a princess, and the OPs wedding is as good an excuse as any.  I know people like this, and they scare me.
    I think you are exactly right. She keeps mentioning a "big floofy dress." And "making her look like a cupcake."
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    fyrchk said:

    Heffalump said:

    How in the world does inviting your FI daughter who is actually a legal adult make this lady think that her 3 year old child should now be included.  And further, how insane is she to push her kid as your flower girl?  I just don't understand some parents thinking.

    She probably wants to dress the kid up and parade her around like a princess, and the OPs wedding is as good an excuse as any.  I know people like this, and they scare me.
    I think you are exactly right. She keeps mentioning a "big floofy dress." And "making her look like a cupcake."
    God I really hate these types of parents.  They take being BSC to the next level.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    fyrchk said:

    I should also include, I've only seen her daughter one time. Ever.

    Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I'm just frustrated because I've said, "No children." And it's like I haven't said a word. I kind of get why people put it on invitations now even though it's considered tacky. It's like, "YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING! YOU CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME!" I'm trying to figure out the best way to word the RSVP card that doesn't allow for the addition of kids.

    Sorry, kinda rage-y this morning.

                       
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    fyrchk said:

    I should also include, I've only seen her daughter one time. Ever.

    Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I'm just frustrated because I've said, "No children." And it's like I haven't said a word. I kind of get why people put it on invitations now even though it's considered tacky. It's like, "YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING! YOU CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME!" I'm trying to figure out the best way to word the RSVP card that doesn't allow for the addition of kids.

    Sorry, kinda rage-y this morning.

                       
  •  

    banana468 said:

    The other part is that it's certainly fine etiquette - wise to lather, rinse and repeat NO.   If she keeps bringing it up, you're allowed to say, "You keep bringing this up but your daughter is not invited.  If you don't stop then you won't be either." 

    I actually thought that. Like when she originally said, "Well then I'm not coming either," and I said, "Okay." At first another co-worker and I thought she was kidding, but since then other co-worker has been like, "Whoa..." It's super-frustrating because I really like her.
  • I'm sorry, I can't wrap my head around the fact that she is basically telling you that her daughter is going to be your flower girl. Who does that? This lady has some serious boundary issues. It's one thing to assume your daughter is invited to a wedding; it's another thing entirely to demand that she be in the wedding.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    kikilamp said:

    I'm sorry, I can't wrap my head around the fact that she is basically telling you that her daughter is going to be your flower girl. Who does that? This lady has some serious boundary issues. It's one thing to assume your daughter is invited to a wedding; it's another thing entirely to demand that she be in the wedding.

    Sadly, some people can't wrap their heads around the fact that not everyone is in love with their kids, let alone want them to be at or even in their weddings, and this is one of them. It's BSC, but needs to be shut down very firmly.

    "Coworker, your daughter is not going to be my flower girl. She is not invited to my wedding. I need you to stop bringing it up."
    PamBeesly524
  • And since this is a conversation that she brought up, I honestly don't see the issue with saying, "I just want to make sure that we're both on the same page here.   Your daughter is adorable however the invitation is just to you and your husband.   We aren't having a flower girl and your daughter can't be a flower girl in my wedding because she isn't invited."

    Sometimes you have to stop trying to be nice and just state the facts.   
    whovianstark[Deleted User]huskypuppy14kmmssg
  • edited April 2015
    nevermind - i thought I was in the reception gift opening thread.
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    image
  • fyrchk said:

     

    banana468 said:

    The other part is that it's certainly fine etiquette - wise to lather, rinse and repeat NO.   If she keeps bringing it up, you're allowed to say, "You keep bringing this up but your daughter is not invited.  If you don't stop then you won't be either." 

    I actually thought that. Like when she originally said, "Well then I'm not coming either," and I said, "Okay." At first another co-worker and I thought she was kidding, but since then other co-worker has been like, "Whoa..." It's super-frustrating because I really like her.
    Just curious... I'm wondering if in her BSC mind that when you said "okay..." she interpreted it as "sweet now my daughter is invited because I gave her an ultimatum and she said okay". Anyways... good luck!
    MairePoppy
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    ditto whovianstark. That's why I'd write 'Sorry, No Children' on her invitation and/or if there's an RSVP, write her and her S/Os name on it. It beats stationing a bouncer at the door to eject a little kid dressed in flower girl dress.
                       
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    ditto whovianstark. That's why I'd write 'Sorry, No Children' on her invitation and/or if there's an RSVP, write her and her S/Os name on it. It beats stationing a bouncer at the door to eject a little kid dressed in flower girl dress.

    Even with a "No Children" message in the invitation and on her website, this BSC person is probably still going to show up with her kid in a flower girl dress. Having her bounced, as sad as that would be for the poor kid, might be the only way to drive the message home.
    MairePoppy
  • Jen4948 said:

    ditto whovianstark. That's why I'd write 'Sorry, No Children' on her invitation and/or if there's an RSVP, write her and her S/Os name on it. It beats stationing a bouncer at the door to eject a little kid dressed in flower girl dress.

    Even with a "No Children" message in the invitation and on her website, this BSC person is probably still going to show up with her kid in a flower girl dress. Having her bounced, as sad as that would be for the poor kid, might be the only way to drive the message home.
    That's why I think she may need to have the conversation as a face to face one now.   The BSC co-irker already opened the door so in this case I think it's more than fine to clarify and then clarify again. 
    MairePoppy
  • banana468 said:

    Jen4948 said:

    ditto whovianstark. That's why I'd write 'Sorry, No Children' on her invitation and/or if there's an RSVP, write her and her S/Os name on it. It beats stationing a bouncer at the door to eject a little kid dressed in flower girl dress.

    Even with a "No Children" message in the invitation and on her website, this BSC person is probably still going to show up with her kid in a flower girl dress. Having her bounced, as sad as that would be for the poor kid, might be the only way to drive the message home.
    That's why I think she may need to have the conversation as a face to face one now.   The BSC co-irker already opened the door so in this case I think it's more than fine to clarify and then clarify again. 



    Ditto Banana.

     

    "Coworker, I want to be clear that your daughter is not invited to the wedding and that she will not be our flowergirl. If you were to show up with an uninvited guest, it would strain our friendship, and I don't want that to happen because [despite that fact that you ae pushy and dense you have at least one redeemable quality]."

    image
    banana468ShesSoCold
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