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At what point (if ever) do you try to change/ improve your personality?

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Re: At what point (if ever) do you try to change/ improve your personality?

  • jenna8984jenna8984 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    KatieinBkln said:

    Guys, I can't necessarily solve the communication issue here, but I can TOTALLY solve the Wal-Mart issue:


    Your H: I'm bored. I think I'll head to Wal-Mart
    You: Oh my gosh, you're bored? Why didn't you say so? LET'S BONE!

    -fin-
    bahahhahah this is usually Sunday afternoons right after nap & bone time but I will try this anyways ;)

                                                                     

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  • tcnobletcnoble member
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    jenna8984 said:

    KatieinBkln said:

    Guys, I can't necessarily solve the communication issue here, but I can TOTALLY solve the Wal-Mart issue:


    Your H: I'm bored. I think I'll head to Wal-Mart
    You: Oh my gosh, you're bored? Why didn't you say so? LET'S BONE!

    -fin-
    bahahhahah this is usually Sunday afternoons right after nap & bone time but I will try this anyways ;)
    Or change it up and head to Target!!! 
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
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    tcnoble said:

    jenna8984 said:

    KatieinBkln said:

    Guys, I can't necessarily solve the communication issue here, but I can TOTALLY solve the Wal-Mart issue:


    Your H: I'm bored. I think I'll head to Wal-Mart
    You: Oh my gosh, you're bored? Why didn't you say so? LET'S BONE!

    -fin-
    bahahhahah this is usually Sunday afternoons right after nap & bone time but I will try this anyways ;)
    Or change it up and head to Target!!! 
    WHOA. Let's not get too crazy now. ;)
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
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    All the Walmart hatin'. FI and I went in there the other day to get me some vitamin C supplements to see if it would ward off the oncoming bronchitis and price a card table for his modeling. (They didn't work, and the card table was classed as "freaking expensive".) 

    I have been whining about how his copy of Ace Ventura Pet Detective doesn't work for a couple months now, and he's been putting it off because BluRay. 
    Because this:
    image
    is TOTALLY going to look better on BluRay. Yeah. Uh huh.

    WHAT DID WE FIND IN THE FIVE DOLLAR MOVIE BIN???? ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE and the second one about which I care considerably less.

    PLUS he got two CDs out of another five dollar bin, and found the Star Wars original trilogy on BluRay for a comparative song. 
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  • FiancBFiancB member
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    I used to be really negative when I was a kid. My parents are always complaining, so it rubbed off on me. I like to think I'm a very positive person now and actively check myself to make sure I'm not pissing and groaning too much. 

    I know I do things that bug H due to my ADD. I am actively trying to improve upon those things. Likewise, he knows he can be too crabby and tries to fix it, sometimes it still comes out and I want to strangle him for it but at least he's aware of it. He tries to help me be more organized and I try to help him cope with stress better. 

    It's a balance. There's trying to improve yourself, and there's trying to change the person you married, which doesn't really work. 

    But negativity is something most people can improve on. It's not healthy. 

    My grandparents fought a lot and it was always fucking ridiculous to listen to. My grandpa would pick a fight about some stupid thing, and my grandma could never let it go because she had to be right. Some things are better brushed off. They would get in yelling matches over who should take us visiting grandkids to the pool. Don't be like that. 
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
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    blabla89 said:

    jenna8984 said:

    Not sure how to word this exactly. DH often gets annoyed and calls me negative. We don't have a fight or anything, he will just say "Ugh why do you have to be so negative about everything?!" and then walk away and we let it go. Recently we went to dinner with friends and they told us it would be 30 minute wait for the dining room or seat ourselves in the bar, so we sat in the bar. The waitress was the only one in there and taking forever to get to us so I said something like "geez we would have been served faster just waiting for the dining room". And he kind of called me out like "Dude, calm down- we're having a good time with our friends, who cares how long it takes?"

    Then we moved into our apartment last week and I would mention things as I saw them like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks. Oh the shower doesn't get very hot, that sucks. Oh these kitchen drawers are hard to pull out." And he kind of freaked out and told me to stop bitching and complaining. I'm like sorry, I thought I was just making observations?

    This morning he said he's going to drive to our old house (sale closes tomorrow) and make sure there is no mail. Well it's a half hour away and we've changed our addresses with the USPS a week ago. So I said "Why would there be? That seems pointless" and he got huffy and said "So is having a conversation with you sometimes" and left the house. Like- what?! You know how I feel about wasting gas, wasting time, wasting money so why would you expect me to say "sure- great idea!"?

    I dunno it's just getting to me lately. Is there a point where he's supposed to realize that's who I am and have been and he married me he needs to deal with it? Or am I supposed to try and change who I am to not say things like that?

    To the bolded: Actually that is a good idea, because the postal service doesn't always get it right. And picking apart things like that and being sarcastic about them is a behavior, not a personality trait. You do have the choice to ask yourself, is this really worth criticizing?



    I have to agree here.  FI can sometimes be the negative one in our relationship.  He has gotten better over the past year or so, but he used to be just like how you described you were to your H about going back to your old house to check the mail. Used to, if I had to drive 30 mins out of town for something, or if I had to do it 2x in one week he would super guilt trip me and sometimes it would be so bad I wouldn't even go to do what I needed to just because he was making me feel so bad about it. He's like you, (about some things, not all things) he doesn't like to waste time, money, gas..etc.. and he tries his best to avoid it.

    We have done our premarital counseling, and that helped us A TON. Both him and me, in how we talk to each other, and relate to each other. And just like @blabla89 said, you really have to choose your battles, and say to yourself, is it really worth it? 

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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
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    ashley8918 said:

    jenna8984 said:


     
    If it's the latter, try and find a different way to release the frustration. It's very difficult to think about what you say before you say it. If you never practiced it before, than you won't get it on your first try. Don't get discouraged. 

    Changing how you communicate in anyway is one of the hardest things you could try to do. It sounds easy in theory, but you have to constantly be in the mindset that you want to change how you react to things.

    Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol


    ---------------------boxboxboxboxfuckingbox--------------------



    I think it's less about "can" and more about "should". Should you say that? No, probably not. It's unnecessary. What would you stand to gain by saying it? Probably nothing but a fight and his (justified) annoyance. 

    What does it matter how he chooses to deal with boredom? Is his going to Walmart causing any major trouble for you? No? Then who cares?



    This!
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
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    blabla89 said:


    littlepep said:

    tcnoble said:

    jenna8984 said:

    KatieinBkln said:

    Guys, I can't necessarily solve the communication issue here, but I can TOTALLY solve the Wal-Mart issue:


    Your H: I'm bored. I think I'll head to Wal-Mart
    You: Oh my gosh, you're bored? Why didn't you say so? LET'S BONE!

    -fin-
    bahahhahah this is usually Sunday afternoons right after nap & bone time but I will try this anyways ;)
    Or change it up and head to Target!!! 
    WHOA. Let's not get too crazy now. ;)
    I could spend hours (and money) walking around Target any day. Judge me as you will.
    HA that was my point. Target is my vice. I have no self control. I'm like a kid in a candy shop. 
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
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    tcnoble said:

    littlepep said:

    blabla89 said:


    littlepep said:

    tcnoble said:

    jenna8984 said:

    KatieinBkln said:

    Guys, I can't necessarily solve the communication issue here, but I can TOTALLY solve the Wal-Mart issue:


    Your H: I'm bored. I think I'll head to Wal-Mart
    You: Oh my gosh, you're bored? Why didn't you say so? LET'S BONE!

    -fin-
    bahahhahah this is usually Sunday afternoons right after nap & bone time but I will try this anyways ;)
    Or change it up and head to Target!!! 
    WHOA. Let's not get too crazy now. ;)
    I could spend hours (and money) walking around Target any day. Judge me as you will.
    HA that was my point. Target is my vice. I have no self control. I'm like a kid in a candy shop. 
    I went to Target after work last week for milk and dog treats. I walked out $125 later without milk or dog treats.
    Every time. 
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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
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    lolo883 said:

    littlepep said:

    tcnoble said:

    jenna8984 said:

    KatieinBkln said:

    Guys, I can't necessarily solve the communication issue here, but I can TOTALLY solve the Wal-Mart issue:


    Your H: I'm bored. I think I'll head to Wal-Mart
    You: Oh my gosh, you're bored? Why didn't you say so? LET'S BONE!

    -fin-
    bahahhahah this is usually Sunday afternoons right after nap & bone time but I will try this anyways ;)
    Or change it up and head to Target!!! 
    WHOA. Let's not get too crazy now. ;)
    I could spend hours (and money) walking around Target any day. Judge me as you will.
    Mmhmm. Little popcorn, little cherry Dr Pepper slushie, that's a rockin' afternoon.

    I need to fucking move to Michigan. Once you guys clear up your whole gay rights issues. Cause the bolded is not a thing in my Targets. I get a blue slushie and wander for hours.

    And then some kid sees my slushie and goes "She got a slushie, why can't I have one!" cause I'm grown. 
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    MagicInk said:



    I need to fucking move to Michigan. Once you guys clear up your whole gay rights issues. Cause the bolded is not a thing in my Targets. I get a blue slushie and wander for hours.


    And then some kid sees my slushie and goes "She got a slushie, why can't I have one!" cause I'm grown. 
    Well it's mixed from the cherry slushie from the red and blue machine, but yes then there is a second machine with Dr Pepper slushie. It's magical.

    And IDK why, but damn if that little personal pan cheese pizza doesn't taste SO MUCH BETTER at Target Pizza Hut than at regular Pizza Hut.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    My Target has a Dr Pepper Vanilla Float slushie. So. Good.
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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    ...I live in the wrong part of the country. I have never seen any Dr. Pepper slushie....this makes me sad.
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I get Starbucks every time I go to Target. It makes me sad to say it, but it's the best coffee in the area.

    I miss my hipster coffee shop in Auburn something fierce though.
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
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    jenna8984 said:

    So I brought it up at dinner tonight and hashed out how I'm sorry and want lto change and if he can gently let me know when I do or say something negative or controlling. He claims that it really doesn't bother him much but I don't care I really want to work on it. I already feel more positive and noticed something else annoying about the apartment that I kept to myself haha

    If it didn't bother him, he wouldn't say the things he did, and certainly if it doesn't bother him he has some work to do on his own tone, I'd say.

    Good for you though! Especially with the noticing the new annoyance with the apartment and keeping it to yourself. If it's something you can easily fix (like the sticky drawers, try WD40), fix it and then it'll be one less annoyance!
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
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    lolo883 said:

    jenna8984 said:

    So I brought it up at dinner tonight and hashed out how I'm sorry and want lto change and if he can gently let me know when I do or say something negative or controlling. He claims that it really doesn't bother him much but I don't care I really want to work on it. I already feel more positive and noticed something else annoying about the apartment that I kept to myself haha

    Well... if it really doesn't bother him he doesn't need to be so mean about it. :-/ Hopefully his tone/delivery is something he'll recognize and work on too!
    Dude, for real. Mega harsh! Especially if it suposedly doesn't bother him.

    But good on you, girl!
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2015

    Good for you for being willing to bring it up and discuss it.  And for taking the initiative to want to change this behavior for yourself.  I agree with the others - if it really didn't bother him, he probably wouldn't have had that outburst.  I'm going to guess that he really meant it doesn't bother him enough to make a big deal about it or want to make you feel badly about it.  But sometimes, when you hold stuff like that in, it ends up leaking out at the most inopportune times.

    A lot of your subsequent posts (wanting to be right all the time, arguing your point, offering up opinions unsolicited, giving "observations") could have been written by me 10 years ago.  Heck, maybe even five years ago - I think I started recognizing those things in myself about 10 years ago, but wasn't in a place to actively choose a different way to communicate until about five years ago.  It is a tough mentality to crack.  And I always justified it under the guise of "wanting to be helpful" or "just being honest".  I'm also really horrible at being the friend who is blindly supportive when I don't agree with something or if I can see both sides of the situation (I'm really good at that - I can argue pretty much every side of any situation, even if it's not the side I personally agree with and somehow think it's my duty to make sure that all sides are presented in any given situation).  This last one is the one I still struggle with most.

    The reality is, most people don't like having opinions and observations forced upon them constantly.  Especially when it's presented as factual without the opportunity for discussion.  For me, it was more about not understanding that not everyone sees things, values things, prioritizes things exactly the same way as me (seriously, boggled my mind that people didn't think just like me because my way just seems so obvious!) AND coming to the realization that it's okay that they don't think just like me.  Sort of a live and let live attitude - as long as what you are doing is of no harmful consequence to me, have at it (major etiquette blunders aside).  Like your example of telling your friend and the car "oh don't look at that car brand- those get bad mileage and worse resale value".  That kind of comment presumes that 1) they weren't capable of researching themselves, 2) they value the same things you do (maybe they don't care about resale value - maybe they plan to drive the car until it dies on the side of the road and aren't planning to resell it), and 3) that they didn't already consider that but have other reasons, like comfort, safety ratings, price point that make it a desirable option for the.  It wasn't your decision and bad mileage and poor resale value was in no way going to endanger their lives.  It's one thing if they asked your opinion, or if you heard something that would affect their safety (Like "Oh, I just read something about how that didn't pass the safety testing" or "I just saw on the news that car was recalled for XYZ thing, so be careful if you're seriously considering it.").  But your phrasing really just undermines them and that's not fun to listen to.  Even just changing it to "Oh, you know, I heard from ABC source that those cars don't really get great gas mileage and lose their value more quickly than X brand, if that's something that is important to you."  It makes it more open-ended and informational and less you trying to control their lives.

    Anyway, sorry for going on.  This is just a pet topic for me because I've been there - I've been the one accused of being negative or sarcastic or controlling and if someone can gain anything from the lessons I learned the hard way, then I wish them the best.

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  • jenna8984jenna8984 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    @jacques27 Thank you! Don't apologize for your post being long because it really does help me to see that you have kind of gone through it and were able to break the habit, and by offering other ways to say things. I'm 100% my father's daughter and I know for a fact it's where I get it from. He tells everyone what's best and he's convinced that his way is the best way, and if he thinks a Toyota is the the best than everyone else should, etc. Even in the house hunt, my husband keeps showing me these split level homes and I keep instantly nixing them saying that "I hate split levels, the living rooms are too small". And finally DH had to be like why do you think that? Why do you need more space? And I had to stop and think well because that's what my dad has drilled into my head but I guess you're right...realistically that IS enough space and I'm just being stupid. I'm kind of ashamed that I never picked up on this sooner in life or tried to work on it sooner but hey better late than never.

                                                                     

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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
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    blabla89 said:


    littlepep said:

    tcnoble said:

    jenna8984 said:

    KatieinBkln said:

    Guys, I can't necessarily solve the communication issue here, but I can TOTALLY solve the Wal-Mart issue:


    Your H: I'm bored. I think I'll head to Wal-Mart
    You: Oh my gosh, you're bored? Why didn't you say so? LET'S BONE!

    -fin-
    bahahhahah this is usually Sunday afternoons right after nap & bone time but I will try this anyways ;)
    Or change it up and head to Target!!! 
    WHOA. Let's not get too crazy now. ;)
    I could spend hours (and money) walking around Target any day. Judge me as you will.
    How could we judge you for spending time at a place so wonderful and exciting!!!



    lol. I just realized that I spent a lot of money on my swimsuits for my HM and every single one of my sundresses came from target.

     ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
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    lolo883 said:

    MagicInk said:



    I need to fucking move to Michigan. Once you guys clear up your whole gay rights issues. Cause the bolded is not a thing in my Targets. I get a blue slushie and wander for hours.


    And then some kid sees my slushie and goes "She got a slushie, why can't I have one!" cause I'm grown. 
    Well it's mixed from the cherry slushie from the red and blue machine, but yes then there is a second machine with Dr Pepper slushie. It's magical.

    And IDK why, but damn if that little personal pan cheese pizza doesn't taste SO MUCH BETTER at Target Pizza Hut than at regular Pizza Hut.
    I cannot resist the tiny pizzas.

    They are so good.
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  • jenna8984jenna8984 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    Guys I don't think I've ever eaten anything at Target..... closest one is 30 minutes so I hardly ever go there

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  • swiftsticksswiftsticks member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    lolo883 said:

    MagicInk said:



    I need to fucking move to Michigan. Once you guys clear up your whole gay rights issues. Cause the bolded is not a thing in my Targets. I get a blue slushie and wander for hours.


    And then some kid sees my slushie and goes "She got a slushie, why can't I have one!" cause I'm grown. 
    Well it's mixed from the cherry slushie from the red and blue machine, but yes then there is a second machine with Dr Pepper slushie. It's magical.

    And IDK why, but damn if that little personal pan cheese pizza doesn't taste SO MUCH BETTER at Target Pizza Hut than at regular Pizza Hut.
    Whaa?? 
    This is a thing at Target? Like, you can just wonder around with your slushie and your pizza and buy stuff you never thought you needed? 

    We didn't get slushies and pizza in Canada. No fucking wonder Target failed up here. 
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    All you people talking about Target is making me sad that they closed all the Canadian stores. It's back to the 2 hour drive across the border to go to Target. 

    It's only been gone a month and I miss it!
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    swiftsticks said:

    lolo883 said:

    MagicInk said:



    I need to fucking move to Michigan. Once you guys clear up your whole gay rights issues. Cause the bolded is not a thing in my Targets. I get a blue slushie and wander for hours.


    And then some kid sees my slushie and goes "She got a slushie, why can't I have one!" cause I'm grown. 
    Well it's mixed from the cherry slushie from the red and blue machine, but yes then there is a second machine with Dr Pepper slushie. It's magical.

    And IDK why, but damn if that little personal pan cheese pizza doesn't taste SO MUCH BETTER at Target Pizza Hut than at regular Pizza Hut.
    Whaa?? 
    This is a thing at Target? Like, you can just wonder around with your slushie and your pizza and buy stuff you never thought you needed? 

    We didn't get slushies and pizza in Canada. No fucking wonder Target failed up here. 
    The borders are open, come on down. :-D
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  • lovemesomemonsterlovemesomemonster member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Yes, Target.. Can do a lot of time/money wasting there! Doesn't help that FI is out of the state for 7 months out of the year.. nobody here to side eye me going AGAIN or when I bring all the bags in!

    As for the original post.. I'm the eternal optimist in the relationship and just being around me has really changed how my man looks at things. I think leaning to laugh at situations that you originally would have thought were negative helps a lot! We have gone through lots of renovations together and at first it was STRESSFUL because every little thing that would go wrong seemed like the end of the world to FI. We talked about how him complaining isn't going to get us anywhere and now instead of a night spent stewing over having to shut the water off because of a leak we laugh about getting cozy with the neighbors for shower usage! 

    Try spinning things into a positive light, if you have to wait a long time for dinner when you go out instead of jumping to "OMG could this take any longer!" maybe stop yourself and say "we're having fun with friends and hourly getting more bang for our buck to sit here and chat!".

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