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Opinions Wanted: Keeping baby's sex a secret from others when we know

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Re: Opinions Wanted: Keeping baby's sex a secret from others when we know

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think there's a way to phrase it that isn't a "I know something you don't know," type statement.   So you can say, "We had the anatomy scan and the growth is fine, organs are great."

    But I think the big deal here is that having a child is ultimately not entirely private.   The child will be in the world for all to see.   So many just see that it's not really worth it to dangle that information.

    FWIW, when we didn't find out with DD, there weren't any issues.   We continued to say that we didn't want to know and even the Dr said that they didn't know.   They just never looked at the genital area for DD so we were all surprised in the delivery room.

    If MIL is going to be a pain in the ass the she's going to be one regardless of whether or not she knows this information.   And she'll come up with a way to be a pain in the ass about NOT knowing the information and why you telling her makes you bad anyway.
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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    STARMOON44 said:

    I think it's weird to tell everyone that you have the ultrasound and that you're finding out but they can't know. And to be honest reading your explanation makes no sense to me and sounds a lot like you're just being spiteful.

    It's like a little kid- you don't run around saying "nah nah I have a secret but I'm not telling you." If you donf want people to know either don't find out or don't tell people you're finding out.

    I kind of agree with this, but I also can see why you'd not want to tell people the gender. I know that if I knew the gender of my hypothetical baby, and my family knew that I was withholding it, they would read into every damn comment I made and try to figure it out. I think that would be more annoying than just telling people the gender when they ask. And if I tried to keep it a secret, I would probably let a gender pronoun slip at some point, and then I would give up on keeping it a secret.

    But if someone told me that they found out the gender but were keeping it a secret, I would wonder why they told me they know the gender in the first place. I just wouldn't understand why they would keep it a secret, I guess. (But then again in my circle, everyone is really pro-gender-neutral anyway, so even if they knew it was a girl, we would probably still just get a bunch of yellow and green stuff anyway, because we like yellow and green).

    I think Lolo's wording  ("we decided to keep it a surprise!") is a good way to skirt the conversation, if that's what you want to do. That way it sounds like you might not know either. Or just tell people you are not finding out the gender.

    Now, I 100% understand not telling anyone the name you have chosen - way too many unsolicited opinions. When FI and I do have kids, we will both want to know the gender when we can, but we will not tell anyone names until the kid pops out.

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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    tfmrserwin said:

    STARMOON44 said:

    I think it's weird to tell everyone that you have the ultrasound and that you're finding out but they can't know. And to be honest reading your explanation makes no sense to me and sounds a lot like you're just being spiteful.

    It's like a little kid- you don't run around saying "nah nah I have a secret but I'm not telling you." If you donf want people to know either don't find out or don't tell people you're finding out.

    I kind of agree with this, but I also can see why you'd not want to tell people the gender. I know that if I knew the gender of my hypothetical baby, and my family knew that I was withholding it, they would read into every damn comment I made and try to figure it out. I think that would be more annoying than just telling people the gender when they ask. And if I tried to keep it a secret, I would probably let a gender pronoun slip at some point, and then I would give up on keeping it a secret.

    But if someone told me that they found out the gender but were keeping it a secret, I would wonder why they told me they know the gender in the first place. I just wouldn't understand why they would keep it a secret, I guess. (But then again in my circle, everyone is really pro-gender-neutral anyway, so even if they knew it was a girl, we would probably still just get a bunch of yellow and green stuff anyway, because we like yellow and green).

    I think Lolo's wording  ("we decided to keep it a surprise!") is a good way to skirt the conversation, if that's what you want to do. That way it sounds like you might not know either. Or just tell people you are not finding out the gender.

    Now, I 100% understand not telling anyone the name you have chosen - way too many unsolicited opinions. When FI and I do have kids, we will both want to know the gender when we can, but we will not tell anyone names until the kid pops out.



    The goal would be to not tell anyone anything about it. But people ask, and ask constantly. At that point, I'm with Southernbelle in that if you are going to be hurt by the truthful answer to your question, don't ask it. I'll probably try to deflect so I don't have to deal with your hurt, but you did ask.

    Casadena said:

    Dude, it's none of your business what sex organs are growing on the person inside my body.  Whether H and I know or not, you have no right to know and no right to be upset that you don't know.  I think this no matter what the reason is that we're not telling you.  

    And this is what makes it so damn frustrating. I understand the people who say "Realistically, people are going to be upset that you're keeping it from them." Yeah. That's realistic, and possibly a reason not to exert one's own rights. But they don't have a right to be upset, which makes them the ones damaging the relationship while they also feel like the victim, and you can't convince them otherwise.
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Maggie0829 said:

    As someone who has never been pregnant/had a kid, I personally don't get the whole waiting until birth to find out the gender.  People say "well we want to be surprised!"  Well in my mind it is a surprise whether you find out prior to or at the birth.  So I just don't get that line of thinking.  I also don't get not telling others what you are having, especially if you make it known that you know but you aren't going to tell anyone.  What exactly is there to gain from that?


    In the end it is your baby and your choice.

    ...because they want it to be a surprise AT the birth, obviously. There is very little that compares to the feels of hearing "it's a girl/it's a boy!" After you just went through the exhausting and emotional ordeal that is child birth.

    And several things are to be gained from not telling the sex, as have been discussed in detail in this thread. But even if there is nothing to gain, IT IS NO ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS what is going on inside my body. Who the hell cares what the reason is?
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lolo883 said:

    @lyndausvi I'm not going back a page to quote but as I've said before, the gift aversion is less about never getting any pink shit ever, and more about what those pink things are replacing. Showers where the sex has not been revealed, parents get essentials - bottles, grooming kits, bathing supplies, high chairs, strollers, diapering items. Showers where it's known that it's a girl, EVERYONE brings clothes. Frilly, flowery, pink clothes. I've seen it SO MANY TIMES. Babies don't need that many clothes but I sure as fuck need some bottles and diapers. My kid is gonna be in pajamas the first 3 months of his or her life, not dressed to the nines like going to a cotillion. You wanna bring the frilly pumpkin tutu to the hospital if it's a girl, fine. But if you're bringing a gift to a shower where the purpose is to prepare the family with essentials, don't fucking bring a baby prom dress. Is that horrible of me to prefer my friends and family spend their money on things we actually need, which will actually get used? Maybe. So be it.

    And to whether people would be less sexist when the baby is born... honestly yeah, I think some will. Same way people are less judgmental about names once the ink is dry on the birth certificate, I do think comments are kinder once the baby is here and more "real" than while it's still just a lump on my body. You can't look at a sweet little baby and say "you know what they say, with a boy you only have to worry about one penis, with a girl you have to worry about them all! Hurr hurr." And hopefully I'll be less hormonal about the comments I do hear at that point.

    Either way... not your body, not your call. And now I'm not telling you what I'm having, neener neener. :)

    When my cousin had her first baby, I sent her a gift. She lives out of state, so I wasn't invited to a shower, but I wanted to get her something. Her registry was pretty picked through, but there was some swaddlers. I bought her a package of those and a little ducky bath outfit. 

    She was so appreciative. She said the baby wasn't sleeping and she was about to trek to target to buy some swaddling, when she saw the package at her door step. It really made her day. Simple things people.

    If we ever have a daughter, my mother will buy every little girl outfit, I won't need to buy clothes for her ever.


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  • ElcaBElcaB member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    "We're keeping it a surprise."

    That should be enough. 
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  • littlemushroomlittlemushroom member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    lolo883 said:

    Do y'all think you have the right to know if someone else's baby will be born with a cleft lip/palate? Clubfoot? Down's syndrome? These are all things that can be determined in utero with some degree of certainty, which parents often choose to find out so they can prepare themselves for what life is soon to bring them. They're also things expectant parents may wish to spare themselves unsolicited feedback on. If you say "no, that's personal" or "that doesn't affect me" then how is that any different from me wanting to know whether we need to make a decision on a boy's middle name or circumcision, but wanting to spare myself from unsolicited feedback and frivolities? You only have the right to know about things you find exciting? No, you don't.

    Perhaps it is my family situation coloring my perspective, but I think keeping birth defects secret from close family like the grandparents doesn't make any sense either. I can't imagine anyone telling their parents something along the lines of they had the anatomy scan but aren't going to tell anyone whether the baby is healthy or not or saying something is wrong, but they aren't going to say what and everyone can find out after the baby is born. That seems cruel to me.

    A family member's first child was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 before birth. The prognosis wasn't great, and the doctors expected the baby wouldn't make it an entire year. They shared the news with their parents (and eventually the rest of the family) and couldn't have imagined doing otherwise. Everyone researched so they could understand the condition and prepare for the inevitable outcome. Family was able to find supplies that would help since the baby would have very special and particular needs, and were just a support system for the parents to be. The time to understand the condition before the baby arrived was essential. We were able to talk and ask questions and share what we had discovered, so that when the little girl was born we were able to focus on enjoying the time we had with her in a safe way for her. Our family was lucky and the baby far surpassed expectations. We got to spend 8 wonderful years with their little miracle before she got her angel wings.

    When the same couple became pregnant with their second child, they shared with family immediately upon learning that the new baby was healthy. To hide that information, especially from the grandparents, seems needlessly cruel.

    A friend whose baby had a cleft palate handled it the same way. Immediate family was informed because they were able to provide needed support and find resources before the little one was even born.

    Again, my perception may be colored with my experiences. But the idea that a couple wouldn't share important information with their parents/the grandparents seems counterintuitive to me when they otherwise have a relationship with them. Close family is nothing like some stranger in an elevator asking for personal information.
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  • stefuhkneestefuhknee member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Nothing useful to add here as PP's have it covered but just wanted to say that if parents decide to keep any aspect of their pregnancy private then that's their decision and it should be respected but I also think it's a "know your crowd thing". If you know your family is intrusive and will only gift you unnecessary things then it makes sense to keep it a secret. We did not keep my son's sex a secret and fortunately I still received all of the essentials at my baby shower which included neutral pnp, stroller, carseat etc but this this is the norm in my circle. Big ticket items and essentials are always gifted in addition to lots of clothes so basically just do what's best for you and your family, you know your friends and family better than we do.
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    littlemushroom said:

    lolo883 said:

    Do y'all think you have the right to know if someone else's baby will be born with a cleft lip/palate? Clubfoot? Down's syndrome? These are all things that can be determined in utero with some degree of certainty, which parents often choose to find out so they can prepare themselves for what life is soon to bring them. They're also things expectant parents may wish to spare themselves unsolicited feedback on. If you say "no, that's personal" or "that doesn't affect me" then how is that any different from me wanting to know whether we need to make a decision on a boy's middle name or circumcision, but wanting to spare myself from unsolicited feedback and frivolities? You only have the right to know about things you find exciting? No, you don't.

    Perhaps it is my family situation coloring my perspective, but I think keeping birth defects secret from close family like the grandparents doesn't make any sense either. I can't imagine anyone telling their parents something along the lines of they had the anatomy scan but aren't going to tell anyone whether the baby is healthy or not or saying something is wrong, but they aren't going to say what and everyone can find out after the baby is born. That seems cruel to me.

    A family member's first child was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 before birth. The prognosis wasn't great, and the doctors expected the baby wouldn't make it an entire year. They shared the news with their parents (and eventually the rest of the family) and couldn't have imagined doing otherwise. Everyone researched so they could understand the condition and prepare for the inevitable outcome. Family was able to find supplies that would help since the baby would have very special and particular needs, and were just a support system for the parents to be. The time to understand the condition before the baby arrived was essential. We were able to talk and ask questions and share what we had discovered, so that when the little girl was born we were able to focus on enjoying the time we had with her in a safe way for her. Our family was lucky and the baby far surpassed expectations. We got to spend 8 wonderful years with their little miracle before she got her angel wings.

    When the same couple became pregnant with their second child, they shared with family immediately upon learning that the new baby was healthy. To hide that information, especially from the grandparents, seems needlessly cruel.

    A friend whose baby had a cleft palate handled it the same way. Immediate family was informed because they were able to provide needed support and find resources before the little one was even born.

    Again, my perception may be colored with my experiences. But the idea that a couple wouldn't share important information with their parents/the grandparents seems counterintuitive to me when they otherwise have a relationship with them. Close family is nothing like some stranger in an elevator asking for personal information.



    There are many reasons one would choose to share this with friends and family, sure.

    The main issue, though, is that the grandparents or whoever should still never feel entitled to that information, even if it will eventually become public or obvious. Also, it's not just close people or strangers in the elevator. People on the margins - people I wouldn't consider myself close to, but with whom it might affect my life adversely if I said "That's really none of your business" in response to what they think is an innocent question - will also ask, and possibly get offended if I shut them down OR we'll be pressured into sharing information we really shouldn't have had to share.

    People being offended when they shouldn't be - that's the issue with people having such a difficult time with grasping that even though we may want to give them the privilege of this knowledge, in the end it is not at all their right to know it. It's unfair to me that a coworker could start off asking an inappropriate question, but I'm the one who could have issues if I don't answer it. And if, like my MIL, you've shown you can't be trusted to act appropriately with private knowledge, I shouldn't have to share it with you even if I am close to you.

    You know how we go about making points for the sake of lurkers? That's what I'm trying to do now. So maybe someone will think twice before getting pissy with their sister over this.

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Yea, this really isn't a debate. Of course no one is "entitled" to this information. This isn't a "it's just my opinion" thing either. This is medical information that is legally not available unless the patient (mother) decides it's available. There's a reason for that.

    Family dynamics and choices are another topic. But it is a fact that others are not entitled to this information.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    lolo883 said:

    Do y'all think you have the right to know if someone else's baby will be born with a cleft lip/palate? Clubfoot? Down's syndrome? These are all things that can be determined in utero with some degree of certainty, which parents often choose to find out so they can prepare themselves for what life is soon to bring them. They're also things expectant parents may wish to spare themselves unsolicited feedback on. If you say "no, that's personal" or "that doesn't affect me" then how is that any different from me wanting to know whether we need to make a decision on a boy's middle name or circumcision, but wanting to spare myself from unsolicited feedback and frivolities? You only have the right to know about things you find exciting? No, you don't.



    I don't see where anyone said the grandparents 'have a right to know.' The poster who quoted me is the one who used that phrase.

    But to answer your question. It's not that I think my parents would have a right to know if my baby had a cleft palate, downs syndrome....but I would want them to know. Why? Because I would want them to have time to come to terms with the issue. I would want their support. I would not want them to think for 9 (or 7 or whatever) months that everything was ok, only to find out after birth that there are problems. I probably would want some time to get my thoughts together before I shared the test results, though.

    Also, the title of this thread implies that the op is looking for opinions.

                       
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lolo883 said:

    @lyndausvi I'm not going back a page to quote but as I've said before, the gift aversion is less about never getting any pink shit ever, and more about what those pink things are replacing. Showers where the sex has not been revealed, parents get essentials - bottles, grooming kits, bathing supplies, high chairs, strollers, diapering items. Showers where it's known that it's a girl, EVERYONE brings clothes. Frilly, flowery, pink clothes. I've seen it SO MANY TIMES. Babies don't need that many clothes but I sure as fuck need some bottles and diapers. My kid is gonna be in pajamas the first 3 months of his or her life, not dressed to the nines like going to a cotillion. You wanna bring the frilly pumpkin tutu to the hospital if it's a girl, fine. But if you're bringing a gift to a shower where the purpose is to prepare the family with essentials, don't fucking bring a baby prom dress. Is that horrible of me to prefer my friends and family spend their money on things we actually need, which will actually get used? Maybe. So be it.

    And to whether people would be less sexist when the baby is born... honestly yeah, I think some will. Same way people are less judgmental about names once the ink is dry on the birth certificate, I do think comments are kinder once the baby is here and more "real" than while it's still just a lump on my body. You can't look at a sweet little baby and say "you know what they say, with a boy you only have to worry about one penis, with a girl you have to worry about them all! Hurr hurr." And hopefully I'll be less hormonal about the comments I do hear at that point.

    Either way... not your body, not your call. And now I'm not telling you what I'm having, neener neener. :)

    FWIW, we were surprised for DD and we still received a ton of stuff that wasn't on the registry while things like the pack n play and infant car seat went unnoticed.   

    We got gift cards and ultimately purchased equipment with those cards but being surprised isn't a surefire way to avoid getting 25 baby wash cloths, 15 baby towels and a ton of receiving blankets.   Oh, and ask me about the last time I used one of those receiving blankets.
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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    So who is going to be the mom?
    Why is she carrying and not you?
    So she'll be the real mom?
    Do you think you'll feel connected to the baby?
    How did you get pregnant?
    Did you use an anonymous donor or a known donor?
    Why'd you use a known donor?
    So he's the father?
    What happens if your kid wants to live with their father?
    Why'd you choose him?
    So you're kid will be mixed race and have gay parents? Isn't that a little too much?
    Are you worried it won't look like you?
    Are you worried it won't think you're the mom?

    Are any of these questions ok for people to ask? Are any of these questions questions I or my wife should answer? Because they're all questions we've had before she even got pregnant. Even our parents don't know the answer to some of these questions. Because it's none of their damn business and they are (thankfully) not pushing for the information because they respect that we are our own adults making our own decisions that do not involve them.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Earlier this week, I had a big conference-like meeting and had the following convo with a guy roughly my age:

    Guy: "I hear your pregnant. That's great. Congrats!"
    Me: "Oh, thanks!"
    Guy: "So do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?"
    Me: "We just found out last week we're having a boy." 
    Guy: "Oh GOOD! I always get so much more excited and happy for people when they say they're having a boy. You know?"
    Me: "Hm, no not really?"
    Guy: "I mean, boys are just so much better."
    Me: -blank stare and crickets- "Well, thanks for the congratulations." -exit-

    Sigh. 
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    southernbelle0915 said:

    Earlier this week, I had a big conference-like meeting and had the following convo with a guy roughly my age:


    Guy: "I hear your pregnant. That's great. Congrats!"
    Me: "Oh, thanks!"
    Guy: "So do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?"
    Me: "We just found out last week we're having a boy." 
    Guy: "Oh GOOD! I always get so much more excited and happy for people when they say they're having a boy. You know?"
    Me: "Hm, no not really?"
    Guy: "I mean, boys are just so much better."
    Me: -blank stare and crickets- "Well, thanks for the congratulations." -exit-

    Sigh. 
    What?!?! I just... WHAT!?
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Maggie0829 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    Earlier this week, I had a big conference-like meeting and had the following convo with a guy roughly my age:


    Guy: "I hear your pregnant. That's great. Congrats!"
    Me: "Oh, thanks!"
    Guy: "So do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?"
    Me: "We just found out last week we're having a boy." 
    Guy: "Oh GOOD! I always get so much more excited and happy for people when they say they're having a boy. You know?"
    Me: "Hm, no not really?"
    Guy: "I mean, boys are just so much better."
    Me: -blank stare and crickets- "Well, thanks for the congratulations." -exit-

    Sigh. 
    You should have said "I was just pulling your leg.  We are actually having a girl!" just to see what his reaction would have been.
    That would have been SO good! Damn the missed opportunity! I was just so dumbfounded and caught off guard. 
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  • jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I'm late to this but I don't get the knowing but not sharing thing. I mean, don't get me wrong, it is the couple's decision and in the grand scheme of things doesn't really matter, I just don't understand the reasoning behind it. Maybe that is because in my circle we buy the useful stuff off the registry and the cute clothes and stuff. We like to splurge on gifts. Oh well... of course if I ever got pregnant again (highly unlikely I've pretty much resigned myself to being the cool aunt) I wouldn't find out the sex so there would be nothing to share.
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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    All of this is why I don't plan to announce a pregnancy, ever. I will just continue to get bigger and make people feel awkward about asking if I am knocked up.
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  • FiancBFiancB member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    MagicInk said:


    So you're kid will be mixed race and have gay parents? Isn't that a little too much?

    Oh my fuck. I'm sorry. Between that and what southernbelle said, I think I'll just avoid all human contact while I'm pregnant. Maybe I'll make up a rare disorder that will make me deaf and mute throughout pregnancy but will resolve itself after birth. 
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    FiancB said:

    MagicInk said:


    So you're kid will be mixed race and have gay parents? Isn't that a little too much?

    Oh my fuck. I'm sorry. Between that and what southernbelle said, I think I'll just avoid all human contact while I'm pregnant. Maybe I'll make up a rare disorder that will make me deaf and mute throughout pregnancy but will resolve itself after birth. 



    There's precedent for this:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zechariah_(priest)

    ;)

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  • FiancBFiancB member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    flantastic said:

    FiancB said:

    MagicInk said:


    So you're kid will be mixed race and have gay parents? Isn't that a little too much?

    Oh my fuck. I'm sorry. Between that and what southernbelle said, I think I'll just avoid all human contact while I'm pregnant. Maybe I'll make up a rare disorder that will make me deaf and mute throughout pregnancy but will resolve itself after birth. 



    There's precedent for this:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zechariah_(priest)

    ;)

    Ooh, so maybe it'll also take care of questions about whether I'll baptize! He doesn't need it, God did this, duh. 
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    southernbelle0915 said:

    Earlier this week, I had a big conference-like meeting and had the following convo with a guy roughly my age:


    Guy: "I hear your pregnant. That's great. Congrats!"
    Me: "Oh, thanks!"
    Guy: "So do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?"
    Me: "We just found out last week we're having a boy." 
    Guy: "Oh GOOD! I always get so much more excited and happy for people when they say they're having a boy. You know?"
    Me: "Hm, no not really?"
    Guy: "I mean, boys are just so much better."
    Me: -blank stare and crickets- "Well, thanks for the congratulations." -exit-

    Sigh. 
    WTF. I could understand someone saying (if you were having a girl) oh awesome, girl clothes are so much cuter, or something like that. But to straight up say one sex is better than the other.

    You should have said, "you realize I'm a woman right?" 

    Seriously, I am sure some people hope for one over the other, but a healthy baby is the outcome, no matter what the sex.
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