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Chit Chat

Let someone know their breach of etiquette?

edited April 2015 in Chit Chat
Ok. Remember my husband's friend's wife who shamed me on fb for getting her son a duplicate gift for his first birthday, tagged me and two others in the post, and told us we should have consulted the other guests to make sure we didn't get her son the same gift?  A while back, I unfriended her, but I did not block her (as Knotties suggested). I also kept her husband from seeing my posts so she wouldn't be made aware that I had unfriended her. She must have realized both myself and my sister have unfriended her and asked me if I was upset with her.  This is my response"

  "Yes. You did something to upset me, to put it mildly. I suffer from back problems, and even if I didn't, I would still be upset.  The week of your son's first birthday party, my back was out really bad.  The day of the party, H and I went to Target to find your son a birthday gift.  We spent 2 hours in the store, debating the right gift to get him. (Normally, I go shopping a week in advance for a party, but I could not drive because of my back issues. So, I had to get Jacob a gift the day of the party). We, then, saw the Batman Little People figurines and thought that would have been the perfect gift along with the play tunnel.
 Then, we go to the party excited to see your DS on his first birthday.  We had a good time, but my back was terrible from the sitting.  It's fine, it happens.  When I get home, I saw your facebook post and gasped . Your poor etiquette to scold me on giving your son a gift because it was a duplicate, really pissed me off. Then, you had to tag me in it, as if to shame me, for not getting the right gift. You, also, said that your guests should have contacted other gift givers to make sure our gifts were different.
  I was taught that anything someone gets you is something they didn't have to do. It's the thought that counts, and that thought should be appreciated.  Now, I know getting duplicates is frustrating, but I did enclose a gift receipt. The polite form of action would be to grumble about it with your H, and let it go.  You should never have insulted me... and on a public forum for everyone to see.  I had friends asking me what was your deal. They saw what you had said (because you tagged me), and told me it was way out of line. I, also, asked several other people and was given the same response, so I know it wasn't just me, making a bigger deal out of nothing. Facebook is not a diary. There are somethings that shouldn't be uttered in public. If you wouldn't take a megaphone to say things about people, then it shouldn't be on facebook. People can see that shit, especially when you go out of your way to bring it to their attention... it is not only rude, but it is hurtful."
  This is what I was planning to send her.  Now, I don't know if my words are too harsh... please let me know if they are. I got all pissed off all over again, and am not sure this is proper etiquette.  She did ask what upset me though, and I don't want H dealing with my beef with her.  He is still friends with her H. 
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Re: Let someone know their breach of etiquette?

  • Too harsh?  No.  She was a jerk AND she asked.

    But I agree.  Edit out everything about the back.  It's unnecessary info and just gives her ammunition to say "Well, you were just grouchy.  That's not what I meant at all.  You just didn't understand the joke because you were too focused on your back"  I'd also edit out WHEN you went to Target.  Just "We went to Target and debated for two hours."  Telling her what day you went to Target just gives her ammunition to say "Well, if you had gone earlier, you could have had time to do..." when the reality is, you probably would have ended up with the same gift no matter what.

    lovesclimbing
  • Honestly, I wouldn't tell her unless she straight up asks. She strikes me as someone who wouldn't care to be told she's wrong. If she does, the PPs suggestions are spot on.

    Btw, she is being a HUGE bitch and ungracious hostess. My son is two, yep he's gotten duplicate presents, one set goes to Grandma's the other stays at home. Everyone gets thanked profusely in person and by Thank you note.
    LakeR2014
  • Honestly, I wouldn't tell her unless she straight up asks. She strikes me as someone who wouldn't care to be told she's wrong. If she does, the PPs suggestions are spot on.

    Btw, she is being a HUGE bitch and ungracious hostess. My son is two, yep he's gotten duplicate presents, one set goes to Grandma's the other stays at home. Everyone gets thanked profusely in person and by Thank you note.

    She did straight up ask, though. The mom of the son asked why themuffinman16 was upset. She asked for the truth.

    I agree with others about leaving out the stuff about the bad back. The condition of your back doesn't have anything to do with the quality of gift. You may have chosen the same present even with a perfect back. I don't know about you, but I've never checked with other guests about presents before a birthday party. 
    charcoalandblush
  • I would cut it down some.  I would remove the back problems part and also the part about asking others for their opinion on the matter.


    She asked why you were mad so it is fine to say, just shrink it down a bit to I took the time to pick out this gift for your child and provided a gift receipt just in case. I'm mad you put it on fb to make a big deal out of your son getting duplicate gifts from people at his party as it is rude and ungrateful.  That is why I unfriended/blocked/whatevered you

  • Personally I have no problem with the back problems being left in.  This is in reply to a question, not a college paper.

    If you do edit out the back problems, I would edit as LondonLisa has and send that sucker.

  • LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    If she asks you and you want to detail, I'd change it to this and take out all the unnecessary wording.

    "Yes.
    You did something to upset me, to put it mildly. .  The day of
    the party, H and I went to Target to find your son a birthday gift.  We
    spent 2 hours in the store, debating the right gift to get him.  We, then, saw the Batman Little People figurines and
    thought that would have been the perfect gift along with the play
    tunnel.
     Then,
    we go to the party excited to see your DS on his first birthday.  We
    had a good time.  When I get home, I saw your facebook post and gasped . Your
    poor etiquette to scold me on giving your son a gift because it was a
    duplicate, really pissed me off. Then, you had to tag me in it, as if to
    shame me, for not getting the right gift. You, also, said that your
    guests should have contacted other gift givers to make sure our gifts
    were different.
     
    I was taught that anything someone gets you is something they didn't
    have to do. It's the thought that counts, and that thought should be
    appreciated.  Now, I know getting duplicates is frustrating, but I did
    enclose a gift receipt.   You should never have insulted
    me... and on a public forum for everyone to see.  I had friends asking
    me what was your deal.  Facebook is not a diary. There are
    somethings that shouldn't be uttered in public. If you wouldn't take a
    megaphone to say things about people, then it shouldn't be on facebook.
    People can see that shit, especially when you go out of your way to
    bring it to their attention... it is not only rude, but it is hurtful.

    ETA: No idea why the wonky paragraphs but it won't let me fix it. :(
  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think "poor etiquette" is putting it mildly. Because some people just don't "get" or care about etiquette. Rudeness, ungratefulness, selfishness, etc. - tell it like it is.
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    littlepepthemuffinman16
  • Count me as a vote for short and sweet. I know this isn't the same thing as a business correspondence, but after drafting them for several years, often for issues where my personal feelings are attached, I've found that the shorter you can make a letter/email/message, the better. You stick to the essential facts, you get your point across clearly, and you leave no or little room for the person on the other end to argue.

    I'd send her something like, "Yes, I did unfriend you. I was very upset by the post you made about the gift I gave your son for his birthday. I didn't feel that I wanted to deal with that drama."
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    ashley8918[Deleted User]kns1988
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Take out the stuff about your back. But other than that - send away. 

  • Take out the back stuff and make it about 3 sentences. She won't read all that.

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    image
    jenna8984ashley8918BostonLilly12kns1988
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Use @LondonLisa and @Novella1186 edits and send.

  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    blabla89 that it was straight up rude. She doesn't seem to care about etiquette in any way.
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  • Honestly, I wouldn't tell her unless she straight up asks. She strikes me as someone who wouldn't care to be told she's wrong. If she does, the PPs suggestions are spot on.

    Btw, she is being a HUGE bitch and ungracious hostess. My son is two, yep he's gotten duplicate presents, one set goes to Grandma's the other stays at home. Everyone gets thanked profusely in person and by Thank you note.

    She did straight up ask, though. The mom of the son asked why themuffinman16 was upset. She asked for the truth.

    I agree with others about leaving out the stuff about the bad back. The condition of your back doesn't have anything to do with the quality of gift. You may have chosen the same present even with a perfect back. I don't know about you, but I've never checked with other guests about presents before a birthday party. 
    "...because, you see, I have this policy about honesty and ass-kicking: if you ask for it, then I have to let you have it." -Taylor Mali

    I'd say be honest, though not necessarily harsh.


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    [Deleted User]
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Take out the back stuff and make it about 3 sentences. She won't read all that.

    Yep. Just answer the question. She doesn't need, and wont read, a novel.

    "You did this rude thing. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah." The end.
    hellohkb
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with the edits from PPs to cut it down to make it more concise. But yes, send away and let us know how it goes!

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    She asked if she'd upset you. You are fully within your rights to tell her, however you choose to, that she hurt you. 

      "Yes. You did something to upset me, to put it mildly. H and I went to Target to find your son a birthday gift.  We spent 2 hours in the store, debating the right gift to get him. We saw the Batman Little People figurines and thought that would have been the perfect gift along with the play tunnel.
     Then, we go to the party excited to see your DS on his first birthday.  We had a good time. When I get home, I saw your facebook post and gasped . Your rudeness to scold me on giving your son a gift because it was a duplicate, really pissed me off. Then, you had to tag me in it, as if to shame me, for not getting the right gift. You, also, said that your guests should have contacted other gift givers to make sure our gifts were different.
      I was taught that anything someone gets you is something they didn't have to do. It's the thought that counts, and that thought should be appreciated.  Now, I know getting duplicates is frustrating, but I did enclose a gift receipt. The polite form of action would be to let it go and return the duplicate.  You should never have insulted me... and on a public forum for everyone to see. Facebook is not a diary. There are somethings that shouldn't be uttered in public. People can see that shit, especially when you go out of your way to bring it to their attention... it is not only rude, but it is hurtful."
    This is probably what I would send if I wanted to give her an electronic earful. I'd be livid, and I'd want her to know exactly why. The only things I'd take out are:
    - The stuff about your back, because your back had nothing to do with your gift choice.
    - The stuff about when you bought the gift, because again, had nothing to do with your gift choice.
    - The "megaphone" analogy, because it's redundant.

    However, PPs are right. She's not going to read all that. And she'll probably dismiss it as an overreaction and feel like you're all pissed off for nothing.

    So something shorter:

      "Yes. For Billy's birthday, H and I spent 2 hours in the store, debating the right gift to get him. We saw the Batman Little People figurines and thought that would have been the perfect gift. When we got home from the party, I saw your facebook post scolding me for giving your son a duplicate gift. On top of that, you chose to tag me in it, as if to publicly shame us, apparently for failing to speak to each other before we purchased our gifts. It was rude and hurtful, and I don't deserve to be treated that way."
    It gets your point across much more concisely, while still showing how hurt you were by her actions.

    Or even shorter:

      "Yes, I am upset. H and I spent a lot of time choosing Billy's gift, and we found something we thought was perfect. When we got home from Billy's party, I saw your Facebook post shaming me and two others who bought the same thing, and I was extremely hurt and insulted."
    I clearly have nothing to do this morning. :)
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    ohannabelle


  •   "Yes. You did something to upset me, to put it mildly.
     We were excited to see your DS on his first birthday.  We had a good time. When I get home, I saw your facebook post. Your poor etiquette to scold me on giving your son a gift because it was a duplicate, really pissed me off. 
        You should never have insulted me... and on a public forum for everyone to see. It is not only rude, but it is hurtful."

    After reading other responses, I agree to shorten it even more. I'm a nerd and editing is fun for me, so I re-edited. I think this is very to-the-point so even someone as dumb as her should get it. Just my opinion, though. 
    image
  • edited April 2015
    Hey. Thanks, ladies! My back was killing me last night, so I was in a really pissy mood. (That's why the letter was so long winded). Thank you for taking the time to read it! I agree with all of you. I will tell her, but I will keep it short and sweet. She is the type of person to take a screenshot of a private message and post on Facebook. She will probably never get it, so best to let her know and keep the message short. Thanks again, ladies!
  • edited June 2015
    .
    I'm out.
    novella1186
  • edited June 2015
    .
    I'm out.
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with PPs. The back stuff is just a bit too much and kind of makes it seem like you're grasping at straws to make her feel sorry for you. Think of the rough draft that you posted as you getting all your feels out. Now make it short and blunt and send it. Please do, btw- that was seriously one of the rudest stories I've ever read and I'm eager to see her make an ass out of herself further over it. 
    image
    novella1186[Deleted User]
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm interested to know what she says in response. Were you sending this through Facebook? So you can see if/when she read it, right? 
    ________________________________


  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Yes, please do let us know how she responds!  

    I really, really hope she "gets" it and this serves as a wake up call for her!  Good luck
  • Personally, I feel you don't have to justify yourself by explaining the back problems.

    Also, I would also shorten it down because like lolo and Ashley said, she probably won't read it all. If she screenshots it and posts it, oh well. It says a whole lot more about her than about you. Good luck.


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