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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Knottie14450423
member
Private dinner before reception
So my fiance and I are planning the wedding, but staying with our unsaid budget is hard. My MOH and I are trying to do as many DIY projects as we can and with the early head start in planning we've found a lot of great deals. Currently, my future mother in law wants to invite A LOT(!) of people to the wedding. We've established that feeding the previous head count of 200 is crazy expensive for catering and rentals, so we cut it down to 140-160 guests, which is still pretty expensive. Also, the arrangement of my venue is that it fits about 120 people tightly per side and the other side of the room is not visible.
He came home from work with an idea from a co-worker about doing a private dinner with the bridal party and immediate family before the reception to cut costs down. I figured that was rude and we compromised on the private dinner and hors d'oeuvres at the reception. I searched similar ideas and I can't figure out if that would be rude too? Everyone still gets to participate in festivities.
Also, how could I fit this into my timeline?
Original timeline was
- Ceremony at 4:30
- Cocktail hour and photos at 5
- Dinner at 6:30
- Champagne toast at 7
- First dance at 7:30
- First dance at 7:30
- Cake cutting at 8:30
- Event end at 10
we could just do pictures and dinner during the cocktail hour. Add in some games for guests to do and more photo booth time to kill time.
What are your thoughts?
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Re: Private dinner before reception
Secondly. Do not invite more than your venue can comfortably hold. Your venue holds 120. Either cut your guest list more or select a different venue. You must always plan for 100% attendance. If you get less, that's great. More room, a little money savings... But always plan for 100%. And your venue count should include vendors as well as they will be present and included in the total group count.
Lastly, if your FMIL is not paying for the wedding, she doesn't get a say in the guest list. If she is, sit down with her and discuss the guest list v venue maximum and see if you can find a compromise.
But the first thing to go is that private dinner for a select few and then apps for the others. You're basically telling the people not invited to the dinner that they are not good enough for an actual meal. And how are you supposed to separate yourself without being blatantly obvious that you and the bridal party and select family are splitting off from the rest? It's honestly just a bad idea and very poor etiquette.
Also, is your FMIL paying? If she isn't she needs to understand her large guest list is not in your budget.
If your FMIL isn't paying for the wedding, she doesn't get a say in who's invited. That should help cut your guest list.
What your FI and your coworker came up with is called a "tiered reception" and it's incredibly rude. It basically says to non-dinner guests "you weren't important enough, so please wait around for 2 hours while we host people who are really important."
An appetizer reception is just fine but you'd need to move the whole event back by about 3 hours. So your ceremony about be at 7:30 and reception at 8-11 or 12. That way, you purposely avoid meal time for everyone and you don't have the rude gap.
As for what to do instead, you cut your guest list or move your ceremony and reception to a time of day when full meals aren't expected. And if your FMIL isn't paying, she doesn't get a say.
This is so absolutely a "but the wedding I always dreamed of is at this fancy venue with a photobooth and a lot of people, and I shouldn't have to give that up" situation.
You don't have to give up that vision if that's what you truly want. No one is forcing you to get married in July. You have time to postpone until you can save enough money to do both the things you need to do (food) and want to do. However, if you want to make the choice to get married in a few months, you cannot have all these things.
It's okay! The important thing is that you'll get to be married to your FI. People would have a good time celebrating with you without a photobooth or champagne. They don't even technically need any alcohol - you can host only non-alcoholic beverages. But if you continue with your current plan, no one will remember your wedding as a fun celebration.