Afraid to ask but need help...

fyrchk · May 2015

We are planning our wedding and will be paying for the majority of it ourselves. I have a couple of etiquette questions and I'm a little afraid to ask because I see some people get taken to the cleaners, but I am in need of help and would prefer asking you all as opposed to asking friends and possibly offend someone without meaning to.

1. I am from another state but have lived in Colorado for 7 years. FI has lived here most of his life. We had planned on having a small wedding with mostly just people from Colorado attending. (If I start inviting people from out of state it will be a ridiculous number and I don't want anyone to feel obligated to try to fly out here, rent a car, rent a hotel, etc.) However, people are now mentioning that they can't wait to come to my wedding. I don't discuss it on facebook and have asked my bridesmaids not to do so either. How do I politely say, "We're keeping it small and in-state."

2. The venue is not actually a hotel but a time-share. We live in Denver but are getting married in Estes Park so most people will want to get rooms. We were only able to secure ten rooms (which includes ours) at the venue. Should I block another set of rooms at another hotel and hope that people fill them? Or just give out names of hotels in the area?

3. The dreaded cash bar...we were thinking of hosting a cocktail hour (which apparently is very much the norm here) and then either going cash bar or hosting a wine/beer bar and guests can pay for alcohol beyond that. My question is: should we not host the cocktail hour at all? Is it worse to host for a short period of time or have no bar at all?

4. Is a candy bar considered enough of a favor for guests? Or should I also do favors?

I feel like my head is spinning from too much etiquette reading. I don't want to offend and have found that I may be offending people without realizing it. *sigh*

fyrchk · May 2015

Also, please be kind...I'm REALLY new at this and not trying to get the snarky answers but truly want help just don't know what is right and what is wrong.

mklam · May 2015

1. You said it well yourself. We're keeping the guest list to family and close friends. Thats all you need to say.

2. This is one I haven't worked with before. How many people are invited? How long is the drive? How many people do you think will want to stay? You should have something for overnighters but if its a reasonable driving distance... Anyone else have better advice for this?

3. I would rather do no bar than a cash bar or partial hosted. How are people supposed to know when it suddenly switches to cash?

4. Candy bar is great. Favors are not required. As a guest. I would rather have awesome candy and dessert than some favor that I may look at once and throw away tbh.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

fyrchk said:
We are planning our wedding and will be paying for the majority of it ourselves. I have a couple of etiquette questions and I'm a little afraid to ask because I see some people get taken to the cleaners, but I am in need of help and would prefer asking you all as opposed to asking friends and possibly offend someone without meaning to.
1. I am from another state but have lived in Colorado for 7 years. FI has lived here most of his life. We had planned on having a small wedding with mostly just people from Colorado attending. (If I start inviting people from out of state it will be a ridiculous number and I don't want anyone to feel obligated to try to fly out here, rent a car, rent a hotel, etc.) However, people are now mentioning that they can't wait to come to my wedding. I don't discuss it on facebook and have asked my bridesmaids not to do so either. How do I politely say, "We're keeping it small and in-state." Just don't give any verbal invitations.
You can awkwardly laugh and/or straight up say, "We are keeping the wedding very small, but we appreciate your support and excitement. How's the weather on the East coast? I heard there have been a lot of storms....."
2. The venue is not actually a hotel but a time-share. We live in Denver but are getting married in Estes Park so most people will want to get rooms. We were only able to secure ten rooms (which includes ours) at the venue. Should I block another set of rooms at another hotel and hope that people fill them? Or just give out names of hotels in the area? Depending on the time of year, get another block at another hotel.
We tried to go to a wedding in Estes Park over Labor Day weekend. We literally couldn't go because there was no lodging anywhere and they didn't book enough rooms.
3. The dreaded cash bar...we were thinking of hosting a cocktail hour (which apparently is very much the norm here) and then either going cash bar or hosting a wine/beer bar and guests can pay for alcohol beyond that. My question is: should we not host the cocktail hour at all? Is it worse to host for a short period of time or have no bar at all? Just choose something you can afford to host for the whole event and host that. It sounds like that might be beer and wine. Great! If you do just beer and wine, don't offer anything else.
The analogy for this would be like saying to guests, "you can have a burger for free, but if you want steak, that'll be $10." KWIM?
4. Is a candy bar considered enough of a favor for guests? Or should I also do favors? Favors aren't necessary so you can skip them all together if your short on funds. We didn't have any at our wedding, no one missed them.
I feel like my head is spinning from too much etiquette reading. I don't want to offend and have found that I may be offending people without realizing it. *sigh*

See my answers in pink.

lyndausvi · May 2015

1. I am from another state but have lived in Colorado for 7 years. FI has lived here most of his life. We had planned on having a small wedding with mostly just people from Colorado attending. (If I start inviting people from out of state it will be a ridiculous number and I don't want anyone to feel obligated to try to fly out here, rent a car, rent a hotel, etc.) However, people are now mentioning that they can't wait to come to my wedding. I don't discuss it on facebook and have asked my bridesmaids not to do so either. How do I politely say, "We're keeping it small and in-state." woohoo. I live in CO too. Anyway. Do not over-think your OOS guests. IF you want to invited them AND you can afford to host them properly. Invite them. They will either be able to attend or not. Invitations are not summons. And quite frankly I think it's insulting to NOT invite someone you want there because you think they can't afford to come. It's their choice to come. ****note - I had a 100% OOT wedding.

2. The venue is not actually a hotel but a time-share. We live in Denver but are getting married in Estes Park so most people will want to get rooms. We were only able to secure ten rooms (which includes ours) at the venue. Should I block another set of rooms at another hotel and hope that people fill them? Or just give out names of hotels in the area? That is up to you on how many your are inviting. I always think it's a good idea to get a room block if you know for a fact people are coming from OOT. I know I appreciate room blocks. The guests themselves can choose another place if they so choose. I've actually picked a different location for a room block a few times. It's helpful, but I'm not required to use them.

3. The dreaded cash bar...we were thinking of hosting a cocktail hour (which apparently is very much the norm here) and then either going cash bar or hosting a wine/beer bar and guests can pay for alcohol beyond that. My question is: should we not host the cocktail hour at all? Is it worse to host for a short period of time or have no bar at all? I'm against cash bars. I would do what I can to provide free beverages my budget will allow. If that only means water and soda. So be it. If I can't afford just beer and wine all night. Then that is what I would do.

4. Is a candy bar considered enough of a favor for guests? Or should I also do favors? Favors are not required, but yes, candy bar would be a favor. However, I would put the candy bar money into the bar first. Some of your guests are coming from OOS, I think a beer would be more appreciated then a piece of candy. fwiw - I had a candy bar. They are not cheap, if you are on a budget the money might be better spent somewhere else.

fyrchk · May 2015

It's about a two hour drive from Denver to Estes and winding mountain roads, so hate for anyone to have to drive home after the wedding unless they choose to.

Estes over Labor Day...yeah...that can be tricky with the festival.

If I book a block of rooms at another hotel, am I required to get a shuttle?

lyndausvi · May 2015

fyrchk said:
It's about a two hour drive from Denver to Estes and winding mountain roads, so hate for anyone to have to drive home after the wedding unless they choose to.
Estes over Labor Day...yeah...that can be tricky with the festival.
If I book a block of rooms at another hotel, am I required to get a shuttle?

no

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

fyrchk said:
It's about a two hour drive from Denver to Estes and winding mountain roads, so hate for anyone to have to drive home after the wedding unless they choose to.
Estes over Labor Day...yeah...that can be tricky with the festival.
If I book a block of rooms at another hotel, am I required to get a shuttle?

Nope. You're all clear in that department.

emmaaa · May 2015

1. Telling people that you are keeping it small is perfectly fine. You don't have to justify who you invite or not. However, an invitation is not a summons. You can invite people form out of state if you really want them there. If they cannot afford it or take the time to come, then they can politely decline. Again, you don't HAVE to invite anyone but don't forget people can decline,

2. You are never REQUIRED to black hotel rooms, that is a very nice courtesy. You can decide to block more rooms if you wish you recommend hotels nearby.

3. Cash bars are always rude. Even a partial cash bar. Host what you can afford. DH and I hosted ber and wine at our reception, no liquor was there or provided. Now, we weren't in a hotel so some people brought their drink of choice

4. A candy bar can be great and very cute.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

fyrchk said:
It's about a two hour drive from Denver to Estes and winding mountain roads, so hate for anyone to have to drive home after the wedding unless they choose to.
Estes over Labor Day...yeah...that can be tricky with the festival.
If I book a block of rooms at another hotel, am I required to get a shuttle?

Don't book anything you have to pay for if people don't book with them. It should just be a kind of hold on the rooms, but not something that you get penalized for.

anjemon · May 2015

1. I'd just say "We're keeping the guest list to close family and friends" if you feel the need to say anything. Although I agree with the PP that people can decide not to go on their own, if you want them to come don't feel bad about inviting them from OOS.

2. I'd do hotel blocks as long as they aren't going to charge you if they aren't filled. Hotel blocks are just a courtesy for your guests, but since it sounds like a busy time of the year it would be nice to make it easier on them. But not required. If you don't do blocks maybe warn you VIPs that hotels fill up quickly so they can be sure to get rooms as soon as they get the invite.

3. I would suggest going with just beer/wine or not hosting alcohol. Host what you can afford. I've been to dry weddings where we still had a good time (although we were unhappy they only had full sugar sodas, not diet options). We did just beer/wine for our and everyone was very happy with that.

4. Candy bars can count as favors. We just did the photobooth and didn't really have favors. People don't really expect them. Especially if they can tell you put the money into food or drinks for them instead. We thought about other favors but ultimately they were expensive and time consuming. I don't think anybody missed them.

mrscomposer · May 2015

fyrchk said:
We are planning our wedding and will be paying for the majority of it ourselves. I have a couple of etiquette questions and I'm a little afraid to ask because I see some people get taken to the cleaners, but I am in need of help and would prefer asking you all as opposed to asking friends and possibly offend someone without meaning to.
1. I am from another state but have lived in Colorado for 7 years. FI has lived here most of his life. We had planned on having a small wedding with mostly just people from Colorado attending. (If I start inviting people from out of state it will be a ridiculous number and I don't want anyone to feel obligated to try to fly out here, rent a car, rent a hotel, etc.) However, people are now mentioning that they can't wait to come to my wedding. I don't discuss it on facebook and have asked my bridesmaids not to do so either. How do I politely say, "We're keeping it small and in-state." We got married in the province my husband has lived in for the last 17 years, but I have only been in for 2.5. We invited everyone we wanted to invite, knowing (correctly knowing) that a lot of my side would decline. Figure out how many people your venue can hold, decide your wishlist guest list, and invite regardless of where people live. Plan on 100% attendance, but be ready if people do decline. Or, if you do decide to keep it small and with local people only, what Southernbelle said is good.
2. The venue is not actually a hotel but a time-share. We live in Denver but are getting married in Estes Park so most people will want to get rooms. We were only able to secure ten rooms (which includes ours) at the venue. Should I block another set of rooms at another hotel and hope that people fill them? Or just give out names of hotels in the area? I would block another set of rooms at a different hotel, just so they're guaranteed. Most hotels (at least in my area) will have a release date when they put the rooms back into general booking if they haven't been booked by your guests, and they're not charged to you.
3. The dreaded cash bar...we were thinking of hosting a cocktail hour (which apparently is very much the norm here) and then either going cash bar or hosting a wine/beer bar and guests can pay for alcohol beyond that. My question is: should we not host the cocktail hour at all? Is it worse to host for a short period of time or have no bar at all? Whatever you host, host all night. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a wine/beer bar only, or a dry wedding. Just make sure that there is no other alcohol within view or available so that people don't get a surprise when they're asked to pay for their drink.
4. Is a candy bar considered enough of a favor for guests? Or should I also do favors? Favours aren't required. A candy bar would be awesome, as long as it's good candy
I feel like my head is spinning from too much etiquette reading. I don't want to offend and have found that I may be offending people without realizing it. *sigh* And that's were some people run into problems - 'well, I didn't know it was an etiquette mistake, so therefore the rules don't apply to me.' Nope. You're learning how to do it right, and that's just fine

frenchiekin · May 2015

lyndausvi said:

4. Is a candy bar considered enough of a favor for guests? Or should I also do favors? Favors are not required, but yes, candy bar would be a favor. However, I would put the candy bar money into the bar first. Some of your guests are coming from OOS, I think a beer would be more appreciated then a piece of candy. fwiw - I had a candy bar. They are not cheap, if you are on a budget the money might be better spent somewhere else.

Agreed with the above - I would much rather have a glass of wine than candy at the end of the night. It's ok to skip favors altogether. My BFF did a candy bar for her wedding and I remember her being shocked at how much it ended up costing her. I think that money is much better spent on the bar so that you are able to fully host it for the entire reception.

If you think you can currently afford open bar for cocktail hour and then beer/wine only for the rest, I think you should just host beer/wine for the entire event (and offer nothing for sale). Everyone's happy and you're in the etiquette clear.

flantastic · May 2015

Everyone's covered this pretty much, but I'm with Lynda. I didn't have favors, and no one missed them. Maybe because they were too busy enjoying their alcohol.

A candy bar is a nice extra, and certainly counts as a favor, but you don't need favors and there are other places where that money would probably be spent more effectively, especially if you're having trouble hosting your beverages fully.

lovegood90 · May 2015

Agree with PPs.

I would forego the candy bar in favor of having a fully hosted bar (beer and wine or more). If you can't afford to fully host alcohol the duration of your wedding, then have a dry wedding. Your guests should not be opening their wallets at an events you are hosting though.

onefootinthebayou · May 2015

FWIW, my venue mgr told me the candy bar is a frequent area of wasted money. There is a mark-up on all the candy typically, so you're just handing out Twizzlers that would be more expensive than regular Twizzlers, for example.

I'd skip the candy bar and put the money towards the bar. Limiting a bar to beer and wine is not rude but it is considered rude to have anything available that your guests need to pay for.

fyrchk · May 2015

So, if the bar is part of the venue, and they have alcohol displayed (like any typical bar) how do I stop them from selling alcohol if someone wants something besides beer and wine? Or if we do a well-bar and someone wants to upgrade?

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! ARGH!

frenchiekin · May 2015

fyrchk said:
So, if the bar is part of the venue, and they have alcohol displayed (like any typical bar) how do I stop them from selling alcohol if someone wants something besides beer and wine? Or if we do a well-bar and someone wants to upgrade?
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! ARGH!

Ask your venue. They should have a procedure for this. Best case scenario they can cover up whatever you're not hosting so that is all your guests will see when they are ordering a drink.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

fyrchk said:
So, if the bar is part of the venue, and they have alcohol displayed (like any typical bar) how do I stop them from selling alcohol if someone wants something besides beer and wine? Or if we do a well-bar and someone wants to upgrade?
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! ARGH!

Yes, they shouldn't charge for anything. If guests ask for an upgrade they can just say, "I'm sorry, we don't have a credit card machine or cash register open, but here's a list of what's hosted."

lyndausvi · May 2015

onefootinthebayou said:
FWIW, my venue mgr told me the candy bar is a frequent area of wasted money. There is a mark-up on all the candy typically, so you're just handing out Twizzlers that would be more expensive than regular Twizzlers, for example.

I'd skip the candy bar and put the money towards the bar. Limiting a bar to beer and wine is not rude but it is considered rude to have anything available that your guests need to pay for.

if you have a company setup the bar, then yes. We bought all the candy ourselves through a wholesale place.

We also picked popular candy. We had some guests in their 60-80's and made sure we had some of their childhood candies. It was a HUGE hit. Very little waste. One 80-year old still talks about that candy bar.

flantastic · May 2015

lovegood90 said:
Agree with PPs.
I would forego the candy bar in favor of having a fully hosted bar (beer and wine or more). If you can't afford to fully host alcohol the duration of your wedding, then have a dry wedding. Your guests should not be opening their wallets at an events you are hosting though.

FWIW, I've been to a dry wedding. It was lots of fun and not at all offensive or upsetting. We had plenty of non-alcoholic drinks. I would, however, have been annoyed if I went to the bar and was told "That'll be $6.50."

I also went to a wedding where beer and wine were hosted, but mixed drinks were $7. Totally screwed up my plan to get my friend (who hadn't planned on announcing to others at the wedding that she was pregnant) a Jack and Coke that was actually just a Coke. No one drank mixed drinks and would rather not have had them dangled in front of them, but for money.

fyrchk · May 2015

I am learning so much. Thank you. Our venue made it sound like cash bars are no big deal and recommended the cocktail hour of free drinks. They then recommended that I maybe keep an open tab for the wedding party but require others to pay and I thought that might be tacky. Although, they made it sound like a common occurrence.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

fyrchk said:
So, if the bar is part of the venue, and they have alcohol displayed (like any typical bar) how do I stop them from selling alcohol if someone wants something besides beer and wine? Or if we do a well-bar and someone wants to upgrade?
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! ARGH!

A sign can work too if they refuse to hide the rest of their booze. "Please enjoy Red Wine, White Wine, Sparkling Wine, Light Beer, Regular Beer, Craft Beer. Courtesy of the Bride and Groom" (where the list is a bullet point list of specifically what you're offering, i.e. Barefoot Merlot, Sutter Farms Pinot Grigio, Three Floyd's Robert the Bruce, etc.)

flantastic · May 2015

fyrchk said:
I am learning so much. Thank you. Our venue made it sound like cash bars are no big deal and recommended the cocktail hour of free drinks. They then recommended that I maybe keep an open tab for the wedding party but require others to pay and I thought that might be tacky. Although, they made it sound like a common occurrence.

There are a lot of things that are common that are also bad. It made me sad that our friends had to ask whether the bar was open or cash, and they shouldn't have to get super excited over an answer of "wide open."

[Deleted User] · May 2015

fyrchk said:
I am learning so much. Thank you. Our venue made it sound like cash bars are no big deal and recommended the cocktail hour of free drinks. They then recommended that I maybe keep an open tab for the wedding party but require others to pay and I thought that might be tacky. Although, they made it sound like a common occurrence.

It probably is a common occurance because a lot of people ARE tacky.

lyndausvi · May 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

fyrchk said:
So, if the bar is part of the venue, and they have alcohol displayed (like any typical bar) how do I stop them from selling alcohol if someone wants something besides beer and wine? Or if we do a well-bar and someone wants to upgrade?
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! ARGH!
Yes, they shouldn't charge for anything. If guests ask for an upgrade they can just say, "I'm sorry, we don't have a credit card machine or cash register open, but here's a list of what's hosted."

This really depends on the venue.

If the venue has an existing bar area (think restaurants or country clubs) then it's unlikely they will removed items that are not hosted. The staff will let the guests know what is hosts (or even a sign helps), but they will take orders for non-hosted items. Venues are in the business of making money, not etiquette.

Now if the bar is in a private room or similar location then they should only provide what is hosted.

photokitty · May 2015

lyndausvi said:

onefootinthebayou said:
FWIW, my venue mgr told me the candy bar is a frequent area of wasted money. There is a mark-up on all the candy typically, so you're just handing out Twizzlers that would be more expensive than regular Twizzlers, for example.

I'd skip the candy bar and put the money towards the bar. Limiting a bar to beer and wine is not rude but it is considered rude to have anything available that your guests need to pay for.
if you have a company setup the bar, then yes. We bought all the candy ourselves through a wholesale place.

We also picked popular candy. We had some guests in their 60-80's and made sure we had some of their childhood candies. It was a HUGE hit. Very little waste. One 80-year old still talks about that candy bar.

I stocked my candy bar with candy 75% off after Halloween. I just avoided peanut better and paid attention to expiration dates when making my selection. It was cheap and hardly anything was leftover.

OP I think this is a perfect example of how a post should go. You have a question and want real advice. You are open to the advice and ask for clarification without getting defensive. We don't intend to "take people to the cleaners" it just looks that way when an OP has a "vision" that she places above her guests and wants validation for crappy hosting.

As to your bar, you could also see if a signature drink inanition to beer and wine would be in your budget. That way you could have a liquor option if you wanted to offer one. It's cheaper than hosting a full bar.

Best wishes!

lyndausvi · May 2015

photokitty said:

lyndausvi said:

onefootinthebayou said:

OP I think this is a perfect example of how a post should go. You have a question and want real advice. You are open to the advice and ask for clarification without getting defensive. We don't intend to "take people to the cleaners" it just looks that way when an OP has a "vision" that she places above her guests and wants validation for crappy hosting.

Ditto this.

It's refreshing to have a real Q&A and not a lot of "but, but, but my situation is unique."

Thank you OP

fyrchk · May 2015

Well, I have no reason to be defensive other than I want ALL THE THINGS! but can't afford them. LOL.

I am planning on doing the candy thing whole-sale, I have a ton of vases, etc that I got from another bride for $5. I just have to repaint the bases from pink to red. I may forgo the favors I wanted to do which were airplane bottles of jack and coca-cola. (We are having a 1950's rock and roll theme.) Because that money could definitely go towards the bar. I may even be freaking out that the bar is going to be thousands of dollars that it's not. I just hate the thought of paying for drinks that people leave laying around. (My mom definitely raised me to be that kid to finish your drink whether it was milk or water...and later I applied that to booze.) But, as all have said, this is for my guests, not me.

fyrchk · May 2015

Sooo...a gofundme...that's tacky, right? I KID! I KID!

whovianstark · May 2015

fyrchk said:
Well, I have no reason to be defensive other than I want ALL THE THINGS! but can't afford them. LOL.
I am planning on doing the candy thing whole-sale, I have a ton of vases, etc that I got from another bride for $5. I just have to repaint the bases from pink to red. I may forgo the favors I wanted to do which were airplane bottles of jack and coca-cola. (We are having a 1950's rock and roll theme.) Because that money could definitely go towards the bar. I may even be freaking out that the bar is going to be thousands of dollars that it's not. I just hate the thought of paying for drinks that people leave laying around. (My mom definitely raised me to be that kid to finish your drink whether it was milk or water...and later I applied that to booze.) But, as all have said, this is for my guests, not me.

I am also doing a candy bar and my venue is letting me provide the candy so I think it shouldn't be too expensive.

Here is one calculator for the alcohol cost: http://www.totalwine.com/eng/party-planning/how-to-plan-a-party.cfm I think I have seen better ones posted before but I don't have the link.

Afraid to ask but need help...

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