3 Maids 3 problems

aliciag2015 · May 2015

ladies I need some advice..
Choosing bridesmaids was tough for me as I don't have a lot of close girlfriends (always enjoyed solo pursuits and have a low tolerance for girly backstabby bs) so I decided to keep it all in the family - chose my cousin for my MoH, and my step sister and my finances cousin for the other spots. Sounded great, my cousin and I are the same age and have always been close, she's super excited, my sister is cool and my FH's cousin and I clicked.
Yeeeaaahhhh.... My cousin has always been neurotic but found herself a loser boyfriend who has brought every undealt-with childhood issue, insecurity, and piece of self loathing she contains to the surface. She had a huge (when I say huge, I mean astronomically out of the ballpark eye openingly astoundingly huge) meltdown last weekend on what was supposed to be a fun casual weekend away, so I bought her lunch a few days later and tried to give her the straight goods on my concerns about her mental health & the relationship. Before you judge me as harsh, understand her mental health status has been a matter of much debate and concern among my family for years but everyone is too chicken to say boo, so it's time someone said something to HER instead of just about her. Other than last weekend she's been an ok MoH, great enthusiasm if mild follow through. Of course I haven't heard from her. (Some suspicions on what role the emotionally abusive bf is playing)
My sister is still great, but is super busy in her own life so I only hear from her when I contact her, there's no unasked for support. I could handle that on it's own..
But my FH's cousin has completely dropped off the face of the earth. Her communication with me has slowly declined and now that I bought the girls dresses for them (because they were on sale for 50%off!!) and am expecting them to pay me back she absolutely won't return my calls or messages. I'm not even calling about the measly 94.50 for the dress, I just want to catch up and be.. You know, friends? It's just really hard, and sad that she is avoiding me over something stupid like that. At least, I hope that's what it's about... Hard to say really be she won't return my calls.
I just don't know what to do. I've never been especially skilled at navigating female relationships and don't want to be too harsh on these ladies who are supposed to be supporting me. But I want to support them too and I guess Im not doing it right?

- signed a rather dejected bride

TrixieJess · May 2015

Firstly, did you ask each BM what their budget was for the dresses before you bought them?

Secondly, what sorts of things do you think your BMs are "supposed" to do? They need to show up for the wedding, relatively sober, in a dress.

One thing that stood out in your description was that you had to "fill the spots"...no you don't. You don't need a bridal party. Even if you have groomsmen, you don't need even sides.

Maybe with your cousin, don't discuss the wedding but talk to her as a friend. Make sure she is okay and be supportive.

artbyallie · May 2015

aliciag2015 said:
ladies I need some advice..
Choosing bridesmaids was tough for me as I don't have a lot of close girlfriends (always enjoyed solo pursuits and have a low tolerance for girly backstabby bs) so I decided to keep it all in the family - chose my cousin for my MoH, and my step sister and my finances cousin for the other spots. Sounded great, my cousin and I are the same age and have always been close, she's super excited, my sister is cool and my FH's cousin and I clicked.
Yeeeaaahhhh.... My cousin has always been neurotic but found herself a loser boyfriend who has brought every undealt-with childhood issue, insecurity, and piece of self loathing she contains to the surface. She had a huge (when I say huge, I mean astronomically out of the ballpark eye openingly astoundingly huge) meltdown last weekend on what was supposed to be a fun casual weekend away, so I bought her lunch a few days later and tried to give her the straight goods on my concerns about her mental health & the relationship. Before you judge me as harsh, understand her mental health status has been a matter of much debate and concern among my family for years but everyone is too chicken to say boo, so it's time someone said something to HER instead of just about her. Other than last weekend she's been an ok MoH, great enthusiasm if mild follow through. Of course I haven't heard from her. (Some suspicions on what role the emotionally abusive bf is playing)
My sister is still great, but is super busy in her own life so I only hear from her when I contact her, there's no unasked for support. I could handle that on it's own..
But my FH's cousin has completely dropped off the face of the earth. Her communication with me has slowly declined and now that I bought the girls dresses for them (because they were on sale for 50%off!!) and am expecting them to pay me back she absolutely won't return my calls or messages. I'm not even calling about the measly 94.50 for the dress, I just want to catch up and be.. You know, friends? It's just really hard, and sad that she is avoiding me over something stupid like that. At least, I hope that's what it's about... Hard to say really be she won't return my calls.
I just don't know what to do. I've never been especially skilled at navigating female relationships and don't want to be too harsh on these ladies who are supposed to be supporting me. But I want to support them too and I guess Im not doing it right?

- signed a rather dejected bride

The bolded is rather sexist.

Totally agree with Trixie on everything else.

onefootinthebayou · May 2015

aliciag2015 said:
ladies I need some advice..
Choosing bridesmaids was tough for me as I don't have a lot of close girlfriends (always enjoyed solo pursuits and have a low tolerance for girly backstabby bs) so I decided to keep it all in the family - chose my cousin for my MoH, and my step sister and my finances cousin for the other spots. Sounded great, my cousin and I are the same age and have always been close, she's super excited, my sister is cool and my FH's cousin and I clicked.
Yeeeaaahhhh.... My cousin has always been neurotic but found herself a loser boyfriend who has brought every undealt-with childhood issue, insecurity, and piece of self loathing she contains to the surface. She had a huge (when I say huge, I mean astronomically out of the ballpark eye openingly astoundingly huge) meltdown last weekend on what was supposed to be a fun casual weekend away, so I bought her lunch a few days later and tried to give her the straight goods on my concerns about her mental health & the relationship. Before you judge me as harsh, understand her mental health status has been a matter of much debate and concern among my family for years but everyone is too chicken to say boo, so it's time someone said something to HER instead of just about her. Other than last weekend she's been an ok MoH, great enthusiasm if mild follow through. Of course I haven't heard from her. (Some suspicions on what role the emotionally abusive bf is playing)
My sister is still great, but is super busy in her own life so I only hear from her when I contact her, there's no unasked for support. I could handle that on it's own..
But my FH's cousin has completely dropped off the face of the earth. Her communication with me has slowly declined and now that I bought the girls dresses for them (because they were on sale for 50%off!!) and am expecting them to pay me back she absolutely won't return my calls or messages. I'm not even calling about the measly 94.50 for the dress, I just want to catch up and be.. You know, friends? It's just really hard, and sad that she is avoiding me over something stupid like that. At least, I hope that's what it's about... Hard to say really be she won't return my calls.
I just don't know what to do. I've never been especially skilled at navigating female relationships and don't want to be too harsh on these ladies who are supposed to be supporting me. But I want to support them too and I guess Im not doing it right?

- signed a rather dejected bride

Unless you got married last weekend and she didn't show up, I'm unsure how she can be even be an "OK" MOH. What do you expect of her? You will learn here that your bridal party are guests of honor - they are not your free wedding planners, counselors, party planners, etc. They may indeed plan parties in your honor, but they should not be expected or directed to do so.

What is she not following up on?

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

Hm... So did you ask their budgets before you picked something? What are you expecting of your MOH?

All I know of you is this post but it really sounds like you need to take a deep breath, hop down from that wedding princess pedestal and get some perspective. Treat your friends like the guests of honor they are and don't expect them to do things for you. I really think this will make a world of difference and prevent a ton of drama.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

$94.50 may be measly to you, but to me it's both my electric bill and my phone bill combined. Depending on what else is happening in my life, that may not be feasible some months. She may be avoiding you because she doesn't know how to tell you that she just doesn't have $94.50 to give you. Did you ask her for her budget before you picked out the dress?

bizzy592 · May 2015

It sounds like your cousin is upset about the lunch where you questioned her mental health. Generally people don't respond well to that.

OliveOilsMom · May 2015

There are multiple issues going on here. First, you need to take your wedding out of each equation. Talk to them about non-wedding things to try and get your friendships back on track. Leave the wedding out, if they ask about the wedding say "I'm tired of talking about the wedding. How is your flower garden doing so far this year?"

As for your cousin. She could be upset and doesn't want to talk. Depending on how you worded your conversation, she might be totally put off and offended. It sounds like the conversation needed to be done, but they are tough to navigate. In those situations its best to let the person talk for themselves after you ask them open ended questions. "Cousin, I love you and am concerned for you. I see BF says bad things sometimes, how does that make you feel?"

NowIamMrsKlein · May 2015

First off, There are no duties or responsibilities of a bridesmaid other than getting the dress and showing up day of, sober. So I am curious as to what you expect from them when you say 'no follow through or unasked for support" Why do you need support? Thats an odd phrase to use for the wedding planning process. Also, its what your FI should be for, not your BM's

I chose my bridal party. We got dresses. They have no been involved in anything else, and are only expected to show up day of. This is not because they don't love me or aren't excited about the wedding. It's because a bridesmaid is someone who is special to you that you want to stand up with you on your day. It's my FI and I's wedding, so together we are doing all the planning/crafting/supporting.

Other PP's have mentioned budget, and I'll reiterate that what is measley to you, may not be measly to other people. Most months, 100$ wouldn't be a problem for me. But this month with some unexpected expenses and travel costs for FI to visit his parents, an extra 100$ would really be pushing it, especially if it was a cost that could wait until my next paycheque.

ETA: Advice: Take your wedding out of the equation. Focus on your relationship with each girl. Your cousin obviously needs a friend right now, one that is not judging her. be there for her, hang out. Don't talk about your wedding. Same with FI cousin. You cant force her to return your calls, but stop mentioning the dress or wedding and make it about wanting to catch up with whats going on her her life. Remember why you chose these ladies, and make sure that they know there friendship is more important than what you expect them to 'do' for your wedding.

erinlin25 · May 2015

I agree with PP's.

Your cousin is obviously dealing with some hard times right now so your wedding should be the last of her worries. The best you can do is just let her know you are there for her if she needs help or anyone to talk to. Do not bother her with anything wedding related unless she asks to be involved. Just because she is your MOH does not mean she is your wedding slave. As long as she gets the chosen the dress and shows up on your wedding day she is the perfect MOH.

your sister does not need to check in with you on a daily basis. There is no problem with her only calling you back when you call her. I hope when you call her its not only for wedding stuff. I am not a phone person. I only call people when I actually need to talk them. I will text my friends here and there with a "hi, thinking of you!" message, but it does not happen all the time. They are still my best friends even if we do not talk/text everyday.

I agree H's cousin is acting immature by ignoring you. But if you continually call her its only going to make it worse. My guess is she does not have the money right now so is avoiding you. Leave her alone for awhile. Hopefully you got their budgets in advance and got the OK to purchase their dresses before you bought them. I'm sure you meant well by getting them on sale, but it may just be bad timing financially and she was planning on saving up to afford the dress herself. Sounds like you are willing to let it go if she can't pay you right away.

What was your communication like with these girls before your wedding? Nothing should and will change from that just because you are getting married. If they are able to help a bit (and want to) they will ask and offer time to help. If they cannot, that is OK.

aliciag2015 · May 2015

Hey ladies!
First off - thanks for your feedback!
Next I'd like to dispel the budget issue - I absolutely consulted with the girls about their budgets and came in under our agreed $100 budget. Erinlin made a good point about H cousin probably wanting to save up at her own pace.. And I'd also like to clarify what I meant when I said "a measly 94.50" - some months an extra 100 bucks aren't burning a hole in my pocket either, I only meant that the friendship to me is worth far more than 100 dollars. In the perspective of life and friendship and family - what's $100? Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't. No big deal, it shouldn't be something to ignore me about.
As for my cousin and my MoH expectations I'm a bit surprised most of the responses were a bit harsh on my wild expectations. My fiancé and I are planning everything so I have zero expectations for her in that regard, but I was surprised to know she had no clue where we were getting married, or the date. But I asked for advice and you're all probably right - as long as she shows up I should be happy.
Other than showing up I think I was hoping that my MoH would voluntarily keep up to date on what's going on and just be "in the know".
I guess I'm a bit delusional to think that my bridesmaids should be enthusiastic about sharing the biggest day of my life with me, especially since I'm relatively a loner. I mean for them it's just an expensive party. We all have dreams I guess!
A couple times it was mentioned that I should talk about things other than the wedding, and I'd like to say that it definitely isn't the only reason I talk to them. Quite often they will even say something along the lines of 'by the way, how's the wedding coming' bc it just isn't the first thing I talk about - especially with H cousin bc she's been too hard to catch.
I think too you guys made a good point about my sister - if the 2 way phone exchange wasn't happening before, there's no reason I should expect a "hey, how's it going" now.
I thInk everyone was right that for my cousin and MoH all I can do is be supportive. No one likes to be told their mental health is questionable, but honestly, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't let her know how concerned I am for her. I asked her mom (my aunt) what she thought and her response was that she's known for years that she (my cousin) needs professional help. I got her the information for the local clinic, and now I guess all I can do is wait it out.
I want to thank you guys again, even though some of you were a bit snarky, all the perspectives are good when you're charting unknown territory!

drunkenwitch · May 2015

Sounds like you need to your girly backstabby bs.

aliciag2015 · May 2015

drunkenwitch said:
Sounds like you need to your girly backstabby bs.

I'm sorry, but this didn't make sense.

drunkenwitch · May 2015

aliciag2015 said:

drunkenwitch said:
Sounds like you need to your girly backstabby bs.

I'm sorry, but this didn't make sense.

I was quoting your sexist words, how can that make sense to you?

[Deleted User] · May 2015

drunkenwitch · May 2015

pinkrevenge said:
What's that? I can't hear you over all the knives shooting out of my vagina every time someone turns their back on me. Female problems, know what I mean?

Not to mention all the razor blades in nipples. I swear every time another woman is near me I just can't help shooting razors in her back. Women, amaright?

lovegood90 · May 2015

aliciag2015 said:
Hey ladies!
First off - thanks for your feedback!
Next I'd like to dispel the budget issue - I absolutely consulted with the girls about their budgets and came in under our agreed $100 budget. Erinlin made a good point about H cousin probably wanting to save up at her own pace.. And I'd also like to clarify what I meant when I said "a measly 94.50" - some months an extra 100 bucks aren't burning a hole in my pocket either, I only meant that the friendship to me is worth far more than 100 dollars. In the perspective of life and friendship and family - what's $100? Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't.

So you base your friendships with people on if they want to spend $100 on a dress? That's ridiculous. If you think someone isn't a good friend to you just because they either don't want to or aren't able to spend $100, that's gross.

aliciag2015 · May 2015

I'm sorry I threatened your unique identities by saying I wasn't into the girly backstabby bs.. It obviously struck a chord with you.. drunkenwitch I didn't understand your statement bc I think you were missing a word or 2 in your sentence to make it comprehensible.
I did catch the knife comments though .. I'm pretty dissapointed by that response and let me make the joke at myself here - you're really not meeting my expectations on how fellow brides and adult women should act.
And lovegood I have no idea how you inferred that I base friendships on whether or not they have 100 to spend on a dress.. In fact I was trying to convey the opposite.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

esstee33 · May 2015

aliciag2015 said:
Hey ladies!
First off - thanks for your feedback!
Next I'd like to dispel the budget issue - I absolutely consulted with the girls about their budgets and came in under our agreed $100 budget. Erinlin made a good point about H cousin probably wanting to save up at her own pace.. And I'd also like to clarify what I meant when I said "a measly 94.50" - some months an extra 100 bucks aren't burning a hole in my pocket either, I only meant that the friendship to me is worth far more than 100 dollars. In the perspective of life and friendship and family - what's $100? Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't. No big deal, it shouldn't be something to ignore me about.
As for my cousin and my MoH expectations I'm a bit surprised most of the responses were a bit harsh on my wild expectations. My fiancé and I are planning everything so I have zero expectations for her in that regard, but I was surprised to know she had no clue where we were getting married, or the date. But I asked for advice and you're all probably right - as long as she shows up I should be happy.
Other than showing up I think I was hoping that my MoH would voluntarily keep up to date on what's going on and just be "in the know".
I guess I'm a bit delusional to think that my bridesmaids should be enthusiastic about sharing the biggest day of my life with me, especially since I'm relatively a loner. I mean for them it's just an expensive party. We all have dreams I guess!
A couple times it was mentioned that I should talk about things other than the wedding, and I'd like to say that it definitely isn't the only reason I talk to them. Quite often they will even say something along the lines of 'by the way, how's the wedding coming' bc it just isn't the first thing I talk about - especially with H cousin bc she's been too hard to catch.
I think too you guys made a good point about my sister - if the 2 way phone exchange wasn't happening before, there's no reason I should expect a "hey, how's it going" now.
I thInk everyone was right that for my cousin and MoH all I can do is be supportive. No one likes to be told their mental health is questionable, but honestly, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't let her know how concerned I am for her. I asked her mom (my aunt) what she thought and her response was that she's known for years that she (my cousin) needs professional help. I got her the information for the local clinic, and now I guess all I can do is wait it out.
I want to thank you guys again, even though some of you were a bit snarky, all the perspectives are good when you're charting unknown territory!

Did you actually ask them each, PRIVATELY, what they would be able to spend? Because the way you're phrasing this suggests otherwise. If I was the one person in a group of people who all said, in a group, "Yeah, $100 is fine!" that couldn't afford that much, it would feel SO shitty and humiliating to be like "actually, I can only afford $50." Many, many times people say they can afford more than they actually can because they feel pressured to do so.

artbyallie · May 2015

aliciag2015 said:
I'm sorry I threatened your unique identities by saying I wasn't into the girly backstabby bs.. It obviously struck a chord with you.. drunkenwitch I didn't understand your statement bc I think you were missing a word or 2 in your sentence to make it comprehensible.
I did catch the knife comments though .. I'm pretty dissapointed by that response and let me make the joke at myself here - you're really not meeting my expectations on how fellow brides and adult women should act.
And lovegood I have no idea how you inferred that I base friendships on whether or not they have 100 to spend on a dress.. In fact I was trying to convey the opposite.

Why would you even quantify 'backstabby bs' as 'girly,' though? I mean, you are a woman, are you not? Yet you clearly think yourself above such behavior (whether that's accurate or not). Why insult a specific half of humanity like that? As I said before, that's sexist. Men can be backstabby too.

And frankly, no one as described in your OP was doing anything 'backstabby' anyway so I still don't get why you started throwing that word around.

drunkenwitch · May 2015

aliciag2015 said:
I'm sorry I threatened your unique identities by saying I wasn't into the girly backstabby bs.. It obviously struck a chord with you.. drunkenwitch I didn't understand your statement bc I think you were missing a word or 2 in your sentence to make it comprehensible.
I did catch the knife comments though .. I'm pretty dissapointed by that response and let me make the joke at myself here - you're really not meeting my expectations on how fellow brides and adult women should act.
And lovegood I have no idea how you inferred that I base friendships on whether or not they have 100 to spend on a dress.. In fact I was trying to convey the opposite.

Women, sheesh, amaright?

QOTC2016 · May 2015

aliciag2015 said:I'm sorry I threatened your unique identities by saying I wasn't into the girly backstabby bs.. It obviously struck a chord with you.. drunkenwitch I didn't understand your statement bc I think you were missing a word or 2 in your sentence to make it comprehensible.
I did catch the knife comments though .. I'm pretty dissapointed by that response and let me make the joke at myself here - you're really not meeting my expectations on how fellow brides and adult women should act.
And lovegood I have no idea how you inferred that I base friendships on whether or not they have 100 to spend on a dress.. In fact I was trying to convey the opposite.

Why would you even quantify 'backstabby bs' as 'girly,' though? I mean, you are a woman, are you not? Yet you clearly think yourself above such behavior (whether that's accurate or not). Why insult a specific half of humanity like that? As I said before, that's sexist. Men can be backstabby too.
And frankly, no one as described in your OP was doing anything 'backstabby' anyway so I still don't get why you started throwing that word around._____________(BOXES)___________________________________

I agree that it's sexist, men and women can both be "backstabby" but I think the general reaction is an overreaction. She made an unfair generalization but I don't think she meant it that way, she was trying to explain what she sees as the reason she doesn't have many friends. I also don't think she was using the word 'backstabby' in reference to her cousin, sister, and FH's cousin. Again, I think she was just explaining the whole not having "a lot of close girlfriends".

I honestly think she took the advice offered and responded to it in an appropriate, albeit slightly skeptical, manner.

lovegood90 said:

aliciag2015 said:
Hey ladies!
First off - thanks for your feedback!
Next I'd like to dispel the budget issue - I absolutely consulted with the girls about their budgets and came in under our agreed $100 budget. Erinlin made a good point about H cousin probably wanting to save up at her own pace.. And I'd also like to clarify what I meant when I said "a measly 94.50" - some months an extra 100 bucks aren't burning a hole in my pocket either, I only meant that the friendship to me is worth far more than 100 dollars. In the perspective of life and friendship and family - what's $100? Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't.
So you base your friendships with people on if they want to spend $100 on a dress? That's ridiculous. If you think someone isn't a good friend to you just because they either don't want to or aren't able to spend $100, that's gross.

I think the use of the word measly was meant to convey the money isn't what is important to her. She just said a friendship is worth far more than $100. She doesn't care about the money. She isn't saying that it's just $100 so they should give it to her though I can see where it might come across that way after reading it.

OP, I hope things start getting better for your cousin. My little sister is struggling with depression and she never would have gotten help if my mother hadn't just snapped and made her a therapy appointment one day to get to the bottom of my sister's mood swings. My sister, however, is a minor so obviously you can't go making appointments for your cousin. That being said, your heart is in the right place and I understand why you brought it up. I wouldn't worry about not being in contact with your sister too much. If you didn't talk much before she became your BM then this is the normal standard for your relationship and you shouldn't be worried if it stays at that standard. I know you've conveyed that the $100 doesn't really mean much to you to us but does your FH's cousin know that? If she doesn't have it then there is the possibility that she is embarrassed to tell you that. On the other hand, however, the reason she isn't responding to you may not be wedding related or even that she is upset with you or anything like that. She might just be super busy at the moment and not have time for social calls, sort of like your sister, because she is so caught up in what is going on. Just food for thought.

ETA: Boxes!

[Deleted User] · May 2015

redoryx · May 2015

QOTC2016 said:
aliciag2015 said:
I'm sorry I threatened your unique identities by saying I wasn't into the girly backstabby bs.. It obviously struck a chord with you.. drunkenwitch I didn't understand your statement bc I think you were missing a word or 2 in your sentence to make it comprehensible.
I did catch the knife comments though .. I'm pretty dissapointed by that response and let me make the joke at myself here - you're really not meeting my expectations on how fellow brides and adult women should act.
And lovegood I have no idea how you inferred that I base friendships on whether or not they have 100 to spend on a dress.. In fact I was trying to convey the opposite.

Why would you even quantify 'backstabby bs' as 'girly,' though? I mean, you are a woman, are you not? Yet you clearly think yourself above such behavior (whether that's accurate or not). Why insult a specific half of humanity like that? As I said before, that's sexist. Men can be backstabby too.

And frankly, no one as described in your OP was doing anything 'backstabby' anyway so I still don't get why you started throwing that word around.

_____________(BOXES)___________________________________

I agree that it's sexist, men and women can both be "backstabby" but I think the general reaction is an overreaction. She made an unfair generalization but I don't think she meant it that way, she was trying to explain what she sees as the reason she doesn't have many friends. I also don't think she was using the word 'backstabby' in reference to her cousin, sister, and FH's cousin. Again, I think she was just explaining the whole not having "a lot of close girlfriends".

I honestly think she took the advice offered and responded to it in an appropriate, albeit slightly skeptical, manner.

aliciag2015 said:
Hey ladies!
First off - thanks for your feedback!
Next I'd like to dispel the budget issue - I absolutely consulted with the girls about their budgets and came in under our agreed $100 budget. Erinlin made a good point about H cousin probably wanting to save up at her own pace.. And I'd also like to clarify what I meant when I said "a measly 94.50" - some months an extra 100 bucks aren't burning a hole in my pocket either, I only meant that the friendship to me is worth far more than 100 dollars. In the perspective of life and friendship and family - what's $100? Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't.
So you base your friendships with people on if they want to spend $100 on a dress? That's ridiculous. If you think someone isn't a good friend to you just because they either don't want to or aren't able to spend $100, that's gross.

I think the use of the word measly was meant to convey the money isn't what is important to her. She just said a friendship is worth far more than $100. She doesn't care about the money. She isn't saying that it's just $100 so they should give it to her though I can see where it might come across that way after reading it.

OP, I hope things start getting better for your cousin. My little sister is struggling with depression and she never would have gotten help if my mother hadn't just snapped and made her a therapy appointment one day to get to the bottom of my sister's mood swings. My sister, however, is a minor so obviously you can't go making appointments for your cousin. That being said, your heart is in the right place and I understand why you brought it up. I wouldn't worry about not being in contact with your sister too much. If you didn't talk much before she became your BM then this is the normal standard for your relationship and you shouldn't be worried if it stays at that standard. I know you've conveyed that the $100 doesn't really mean much to you to us but does your FH's cousin know that? If she doesn't have it then there is the possibility that she is embarrassed to tell you that. On the other hand, however, the reason she isn't responding to you may not be wedding related or even that she is upset with you or anything like that. She might just be super busy at the moment and not have time for social calls, sort of like your sister, because she is so caught up in what is going on. Just food for thought.

ETA: Boxes!

I understand what she's saying. I also think it comes across pretty obnoxious. All "Look at me, not calling about this $94.50. Because that $94.50 isn't important to me."

If it wasn't important than 1) the OP wouldn't feel the need to point it out at all and 2) she wouldn't feel the need to put down the exact price, which suggests she actually does care about how much that dress cost.

QOTC2016 · May 2015

redoryx said:

QOTC2016 said:
aliciag2015 said:
I'm sorry I threatened your unique identities by saying I wasn't into the girly backstabby bs.. It obviously struck a chord with you.. drunkenwitch I didn't understand your statement bc I think you were missing a word or 2 in your sentence to make it comprehensible.
I did catch the knife comments though .. I'm pretty dissapointed by that response and let me make the joke at myself here - you're really not meeting my expectations on how fellow brides and adult women should act.
And lovegood I have no idea how you inferred that I base friendships on whether or not they have 100 to spend on a dress.. In fact I was trying to convey the opposite.
Why would you even quantify 'backstabby bs' as 'girly,' though? I mean, you are a woman, are you not? Yet you clearly think yourself above such behavior (whether that's accurate or not). Why insult a specific half of humanity like that? As I said before, that's sexist. Men can be backstabby too.

And frankly, no one as described in your OP was doing anything 'backstabby' anyway so I still don't get why you started throwing that word around.

_____________(BOXES)___________________________________

I agree that it's sexist, men and women can both be "backstabby" but I think the general reaction is an overreaction. She made an unfair generalization but I don't think she meant it that way, she was trying to explain what she sees as the reason she doesn't have many friends. I also don't think she was using the word 'backstabby' in reference to her cousin, sister, and FH's cousin. Again, I think she was just explaining the whole not having "a lot of close girlfriends".

I honestly think she took the advice offered and responded to it in an appropriate, albeit slightly skeptical, manner.

aliciag2015 said:
Hey ladies!
First off - thanks for your feedback!
Next I'd like to dispel the budget issue - I absolutely consulted with the girls about their budgets and came in under our agreed $100 budget. Erinlin made a good point about H cousin probably wanting to save up at her own pace.. And I'd also like to clarify what I meant when I said "a measly 94.50" - some months an extra 100 bucks aren't burning a hole in my pocket either, I only meant that the friendship to me is worth far more than 100 dollars. In the perspective of life and friendship and family - what's $100? Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't.
So you base your friendships with people on if they want to spend $100 on a dress? That's ridiculous. If you think someone isn't a good friend to you just because they either don't want to or aren't able to spend $100, that's gross.

I think the use of the word measly was meant to convey the money isn't what is important to her. She just said a friendship is worth far more than $100. She doesn't care about the money. She isn't saying that it's just $100 so they should give it to her though I can see where it might come across that way after reading it.

OP, I hope things start getting better for your cousin. My little sister is struggling with depression and she never would have gotten help if my mother hadn't just snapped and made her a therapy appointment one day to get to the bottom of my sister's mood swings. My sister, however, is a minor so obviously you can't go making appointments for your cousin. That being said, your heart is in the right place and I understand why you brought it up. I wouldn't worry about not being in contact with your sister too much. If you didn't talk much before she became your BM then this is the normal standard for your relationship and you shouldn't be worried if it stays at that standard. I know you've conveyed that the $100 doesn't really mean much to you to us but does your FH's cousin know that? If she doesn't have it then there is the possibility that she is embarrassed to tell you that. On the other hand, however, the reason she isn't responding to you may not be wedding related or even that she is upset with you or anything like that. She might just be super busy at the moment and not have time for social calls, sort of like your sister, because she is so caught up in what is going on. Just food for thought.

ETA: Boxes!

I understand what she's saying. I also think it comes across pretty obnoxious. All "Look at me, not calling about this $94.50. Because that $94.50 isn't important to me."

If it wasn't important than 1) the OP wouldn't feel the need to point it out at all and 2) she wouldn't feel the need to put down the exact price, which suggests she actually does care about how much that dress cost.

________________________________________________________

That's a good point.

lovegood90 · May 2015

pinkrevenge said:
I find it's very hard to make new friends when you introduce yourself by means of insulting that type of person. "Hi, I'm Pink and I don't have a lot of gay friends because they're so fruity and wimpy and I'm not like that - what's up, gay person?"

That's going to go over like a lead balloon for good reason.

Yeah...there also comes a point where a little self-reflection would do. Maybe you would realize you're the common denominator.

I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't want to befriend someone who thinks I'm a "backstabber" just because I have a vagina, especially when that person has a vagina too-hyprocrite AND a sexist- yes, let's be friends!!

PrettyGirlLost · May 2015

aliciag2015 said:
ladies I need some advice..
Choosing bridesmaids was tough for me as I don't have a lot of close girlfriends (always enjoyed solo pursuits and have a low tolerance for girly backstabby bs) so I decided to keep it all in the family - chose my cousin for my MoH, and my step sister and my finances cousin for the other spots. Sounded great, my cousin and I are the same age and have always been close, she's super excited, my sister is cool and my FH's cousin and I clicked.
Yeeeaaahhhh.... My cousin has always been neurotic but found herself a loser boyfriend who has brought every undealt-with childhood issue, insecurity, and piece of self loathing she contains to the surface. She had a huge (when I say huge, I mean astronomically out of the ballpark eye openingly astoundingly huge) meltdown last weekend on what was supposed to be a fun casual weekend away, so I bought her lunch a few days later and tried to give her the straight goods on my concerns about her mental health & the relationship. Before you judge me as harsh, understand her mental health status has been a matter of much debate and concern among my family for years but everyone is too chicken to say boo, so it's time someone said something to HER instead of just about her. Other than last weekend she's been an ok MoH, great enthusiasm if mild follow through. Of course I haven't heard from her. (Some suspicions on what role the emotionally abusive bf is playing)
My sister is still great, but is super busy in her own life so I only hear from her when I contact her, there's no unasked for support. I could handle that on it's own..
But my FH's cousin has completely dropped off the face of the earth. Her communication with me has slowly declined and now that I bought the girls dresses for them (because they were on sale for 50%off!!) and am expecting them to pay me back she absolutely won't return my calls or messages. I'm not even calling about the measly 94.50 for the dress, I just want to catch up and be.. You know, friends? It's just really hard, and sad that she is avoiding me over something stupid like that. At least, I hope that's what it's about... Hard to say really be she won't return my calls.
I just don't know what to do. I've never been especially skilled at navigating female relationships and don't want to be too harsh on these ladies who are supposed to be supporting me. But I want to support them too and I guess Im not doing it right?

- signed a rather dejected bride

I don't mean to harsh, but your issues seem to be that you aren't very skilled at dealing with relationships, period- gender has nothing to do with it.

You asked your cousin, who is supposedly in a bad relationship that magnifies and worsens latent self esteem and mental health issues, to be your BM and then you are surprised when she doesn't "follow through" with being a BM? 1st, I'm not sure what you think she;s supposed to "follow through" on at this point, but why are you surprised that your wedding isn't the #1 priority in your poor cousin's life? Rather than feeling dejected I think you need to put your life in some perspective and realize that your cousin is in a far worse place in her life than you are right now, and you should take your wedding out of the equation totally and just keep reaching out to your cousin as her friend to help support her.

She's the one that actually needs support, not you. Support is reserved for those going through shitty times. Planning a wedding does not equate to a shitty time, so you don't need anyone to support you. If you feel that you need support, either get a good bra or talk to your FI. . . you know, the other person getting married.

Your sister is understandably busy, and your wedding will never be as important to anyone as it is to you. This is where you learning to manage some of your expectations will aide you in your relationships with your BMs and everyone else around you.

Despite what the wedding industry, who gets paid, by you, to squee over your wedding, and romcoms may have led you to believe, while your family and friends will be very happy and excited for you, they likely will not be SOOOOO happy and excited about your wedding that they will want to discuss every detail of it 24/7 from now until the actual ceremony and jump up and down with shrill glee whenever you bring it up.

In fact, if you tend to bring up your wedding a lot- unsolicited- and I'm not saying that you are, but if you do, well your family and friends will humor you politely until they can tactfully change the subject, because you will likely be annoying the hell out of them.

This may be why your FI's cousin isn't returning your calls. She may feel you are nagging her over your wedding. If you really do want to actually catch up with her, send her a text or FB message and say something like, "Hey girl, I haven't heard from you in a while and I just wanted to know what's new and exciting in your life. Hope everything is going well. Gimme a call some time, I miss ya!" and leave it at that. Do not bring up your wedding or the dang dress with her ever again unless she brings it up with you 1st. I'm sure she knows she owes you money for the dress, stop bugging her about it.

jenijoyk · May 2015

In my 35 years, I have definitely learned that the women who love to drop any iteration of the "I do not get along with women" statement are BYYYY FAAAAAR the most backstabby.

3 Maids 3 problems

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