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Wedding Party
heatherrae8
member
MOH is MIA
So my MOH is a long time friend, we're not super close due to the fact that we're both pretty busy but she seemed really happy when I asked her. In retrospect, I wish I had just asked my oldest cousin because even though she lives in NYC and I'm in Cali she seems more invested. My friend I thought would be my voice as I tend to just stay quite when I'm upset and she is very outspoken. But, the wedding is in September and she is pretty much nowhere to be found. In early May we planned a somewhat last minute bachelor/bachelorrette party that was about 175 for the shared room and the gas to get there, $15 for a baseball ticket, and then money for food and my FI and I bought a ton of beer and liquor for everyone to drink. She told me the week before that she couldn't come, and only because I called to confirm with her! She said it was because of money but two weeks prior she told me that her husband was encouraging her to quit her job! Then, my MIL wanted to throw me a shower and all she could to was talk crap about her and when she was with me, she was making suggestions of how she could help make the shower better but then did nothing. She showed up late, then ordered an "Adios MotherF******" at the bar and proceeded to banter with my little sister who is 15 about being the MOH and at some point she told my sis (jokingly) to "eat or suck a d***." Also, my MIL said she offered to buy the cake but when I asked her about it she acted totally clueless so I paid for it and I was venting to my godmother about it and she insisted that she pay for it which was really sweet. She says she wants to throw me a lingerie party but I doubt its going to happen. I'm not looking forward to it for the gifts, but more for the experience of hanging out with my friends. I have been in tears multiple times because I hate the fact that she has that title but has done nothing to earn it. What do I do? My FI says I should confront her but I'm more of a suck it up and suffer kind of person. I'm totally lost.
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Re: MOH is MIA
TheKnot does not "set the rules." That is truly ridiculous.
The "rules" of etiquette are about good manners and treating other people well-and they exist and are meant to be followed whether they are "old school" or "new school" or not. While there is no "etiquette police," and no one will tell you how rude you're being to your face, you can bet that your family members, friends, colleagues, and anyone else at your wedding are going to lose respect for you and side-eye you when you don't follow them-whether your wedding is involved or not.
1. Life is not a Hallmark movie. No one is going to be as excited for your wedding as you. It is not a year-long fawn-all-over you fest. No one has a responsibility to plan your wedding besides you and the person you are marrying. If you want to talk about your wedding, you should be talking it over with your FI. If you need help planning something, your FI should be helping you.
2. Maid of Honor is not a title someone earns by doing work for you. You don't pick your Maid of Honor based on who can do the most stuff for you. You bestow that honor upon someone because they are the closest person in your life and you can't imagine getting married without having them by your side. If you picked them for any other reason, you did it wrong.
2A. Maid of Honor has no responsibilities besides standing up there next to you. They don't earn their title by throwing you parties or helping you plan your wedding. Anyone can throw you a party and those parties aren't required. They are gifts to you from them. That's all. (And you shouldn't be having involvement in the throwing of those parties, but apparently that ship sailed.)
3. It sucks that she's said she would do things and has not followed through. Has she always been this way (and if she has, then why did you think she would magically change just because you're getting married)? If she hasn't, could something be wrong? Your post has a few red flags - she acted inappropriately in front of a 15 year old (again, has she always been this way and if so, then why did you think she would magically change just because you're getting married?), mentioned money issues, and her husband is encouraging her to quit her job (Why? Is she upset about that? Is her job stressing her out and she hates it? Are there physical or mental health issues that her job is exacerbating?).
Reset your expectations, because the only requirement is that she wear the appointed attire, be sober enough to walk down an aisle, and stand next to you while you get married. Anything she does above and beyond that is nice, but not required of her.
Be her friend. Take your wedding out of the equation and work on your friendship.
If she is really your friend, rather than pissing that relationship away with a flood of bad etiquette, why not call and apologize and take her out to lunch. No wedding talk. There is no event that is worth ruining friendships, including a wedding.
Nothing.
You can literally find anything on the internet. You could find someone who tells you MOHs should plan/pay for your wedding. You could fine someone who tells you it's a guest of honor role only.
Here's the deal, though...obviously the way you've been handling things so far is very upsetting. You said you've cried multiple times. And you're justifying your expectations with some link you found on the internet.. So considering you can't control other people, maybe it's time to look within and adjust your own behavior/expectations.
You planned a last minute party that would have cost her about $200. Don't be upset that she can't swing it. You seem to have expectations that she would help/plan other parties for you. Lower your expectations. You don't like what she orders at the bar. Let it go. You heard second hand (she refuted) that she was going to buy your cake. Don't believe everything you hear or expect her to buy your cake. Your MIL bit off more than she could chew. How is this your MOH's problem?
RELAX. You're working yourself up with wedding frenzy and shit you're reading on the interwebz. Soon the wedding will be over. What will your relationships look like?