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MOH is MIA

heatherrae8heatherrae8 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Party
So my MOH is a long time friend, we're not super close due to the fact that we're both pretty busy but she seemed really happy when I asked her. In retrospect, I wish I had just asked my oldest cousin because even though she lives in NYC and I'm in Cali she seems more invested. My friend I thought would be my voice as I tend to just stay quite when I'm upset and she is very outspoken. But, the wedding is in September and she is pretty much nowhere to be found. In early May we planned a somewhat last minute bachelor/bachelorrette party that was about 175 for the shared room and the gas to get there, $15 for a baseball ticket, and then money for food and my FI and I bought a ton of beer and liquor for everyone to drink. She told me the week before that she couldn't come, and only because I called to confirm with her! She said it was because of money but two weeks prior she told me that her husband was encouraging her to quit her job! Then, my MIL wanted to throw me a shower and all she could to was talk crap about her and when she was with me, she was making suggestions of how she could help make the shower better but then did nothing. She showed up late, then ordered an "Adios MotherF******" at the bar and proceeded to banter with my little sister who is 15 about being the MOH and at some point she told my sis (jokingly) to "eat or suck a d***." Also, my MIL said she offered to buy the cake but when I asked her about it she acted totally clueless so I paid for it and I was venting to my godmother about it and she insisted that she pay for it which was really sweet. She says she wants to throw me a lingerie party but I doubt its going to happen. I'm not looking forward to it for the gifts, but more for the experience of hanging out with my friends. I have been in tears multiple times because I hate the fact that she has that title but has done nothing to earn it. What do I do? My FI says I should confront her but I'm more of a suck it up and suffer kind of person. I'm totally lost.
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Re: MOH is MIA

  • heatherrae8heatherrae8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    BTW, by last minute, I mean 1 month notice.
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  • heatherrae8heatherrae8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I know it's not a JOB, but there are certain implied roles that come along with accepting the "honor." I know that if someone asked me to be their MOH and I said yes, I would know I was picking up a lot of responsibility.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    heatherrae8 said:
    So my MOH is a long time friend, we're not super close due to the fact that we're both pretty busy but she seemed really happy when I asked her. In retrospect, I wish I had just asked my oldest cousin because even though she lives in NYC and I'm in Cali she seems more invested. My friend I thought would be my voice as I tend to just stay quite when I'm upset and she is very outspoken. But, the wedding is in September and she is pretty much nowhere to be found. In early May we planned a somewhat last minute bachelor/bachelorrette party that was about 175 for the shared room and the gas to get there, $15 for a baseball ticket, and then money for food and my FI and I bought a ton of beer and liquor for everyone to drink. She told me the week before that she couldn't come, and only because I called to confirm with her! She said it was because of money but two weeks prior she told me that her husband was encouraging her to quit her job! Then, my MIL wanted to throw me a shower and all she could to was talk crap about her and when she was with me, she was making suggestions of how she could help make the shower better but then did nothing. She showed up late, then ordered an "Adios MotherF******" at the bar and proceeded to banter with my little sister who is 15 about being the MOH and at some point she told my sis (jokingly) to "eat or suck a d***." Also, my MIL said she offered to buy the cake but when I asked her about it she acted totally clueless so I paid for it and I was venting to my godmother about it and she insisted that she pay for it which was really sweet. She says she wants to throw me a lingerie party but I doubt its going to happen. I'm not looking forward to it for the gifts, but more for the experience of hanging out with my friends. I have been in tears multiple times because I hate the fact that she has that title but has done nothing to earn it. What do I do? My FI says I should confront her but I'm more of a suck it up and suffer kind of person. I'm totally lost.
    She's done absolutely nothing wrong. A MOH's job is to show up to the wedding in the agreed upon dress. Anything else is voluntary, and is a gift to you. MOH earns the honor by being your best friend. If you asked someone who wasn't your best friend, that's your fault.

    You are overstepping your bounds by getting involved in shower planning, and planning your own b-party. You need to back out of that stuff and learn to be appreciative of the extra things people do, rather than expecting people to do them.

    Get your expectations in order, and you'll have some perspective. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    heatherrae8 said:
    I know it's not a JOB, but there are certain implied roles that come along with accepting the "honor." I know that if someone asked me to be their MOH and I said yes, I would know I was picking up a lot of responsibility.
    The ONLY "responsibilities" a bridesmaid or MOH has is to acquire the dress, show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits on the wedding day, process down the aisle and recess back, and pose for some photos.  NOTHING else is a "responsibility." 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    heatherrae8 said:
    I know it's not a JOB, but there are certain implied roles that come along with accepting the "honor." I know that if someone asked me to be their MOH and I said yes, I would know I was picking up a lot of responsibility.
    No, there are no roles that come along with the honor, implied or otherwise. 

    You need to get that out of your head right now. 
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  • heatherrae8heatherrae8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    https://www.theknot.com/content/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail

    Y'all should let The Knot know they're spreading lies.
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  • heatherrae8heatherrae8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Also, I only got involved with shower planning because my MIL bit off more than she could chew and called me for help. As far as my b-party I didn't know it was the end of the world to do that. I paid my way and only offered people to come along to have a good time. My bad.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    heatherrae8 said:
    https://www.theknot.com/content/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail

    Y'all should let The Knot know they're spreading lies.
    The Knot is a business. They make money from all the unnecessary stuff people spend money on. They make money by encouraging people to go crazy over weddings. Any reputable etiquette or relationship source will tell you exactly what you've been told here: MOHs do not have duties and they are not free labor. 

    The Knot does not care if you ruin all of your friendships over your wedding. Presumably, you care about maintaining your relationships and don't want to treat your friends badly. 
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    heatherrae8 said:
    I know it's not a JOB, but there are certain implied roles that come along with accepting the "honor." I know that if someone asked me to be their MOH and I said yes, I would know I was picking up a lot of responsibility.
    Nope. They get a dress, show up (possibly sober) and stand next to you. You may use them as a witness, but that's about it.
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  • heatherrae8heatherrae8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    The Knot may not care if I have ruined friendships but they, and other wedding "authorities," do set the "rules" whether we like it or not or whether they follow the old school etiquette rules or not. Thanks for your advice everyone. I guess I would just expect more if I was in her shoes.... Oh well.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    heatherrae8 said:
    The Knot may not care if I have ruined friendships but they, and other wedding "authorities," do set the "rules" whether we like it or not or whether they follow the old school etiquette rules or not. Thanks for your advice everyone. I guess I would just expect more if I was in her shoes.... Oh well.

    TheKnot does not "set the rules." That is truly ridiculous.

    The "rules" of etiquette are about good manners and treating other people well-and they exist and are meant to be followed whether they are "old school" or "new school" or not.  While there is no "etiquette police," and no one will tell you how rude you're being to your face, you can bet that your family members, friends, colleagues, and anyone else at your wedding are going to lose respect for you and side-eye you when you don't follow them-whether your wedding is involved or not.

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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    heatherrae8 said:

    The Knot may not care if I have ruined friendships but they, and other wedding "authorities," do set the "rules" whether we like it or not or whether they follow the old school etiquette rules or not. Thanks for your advice everyone. I guess I would just expect more if I was in her shoes.... Oh well.

    If you are looking for an "authority", may I suggest Miss Manners or Emily Post.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Oh good grief, you actually think some kind of authority set rules for maid of honor and bridesmaid duties?

    Look, a lot of people who are good friends just so happen to also enjoy being helpful people, which is awesome. I've offered to help my bride friends with stuff all the time, because I want to. And they nearly never take me up on my offers. But to assume someone MUST do x,y,z because some random authority said so is ludicrous. "Maids" get paid. Slaves do not. 

    Around here we call this "brideslaves" and that is a very, very negative thing. 
    ________________________________


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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    heatherrae8 said:
    The Knot may not care if I have ruined friendships but they, and other wedding "authorities," do set the "rules" whether we like it or not or whether they follow the old school etiquette rules or not. Thanks for your advice everyone. I guess I would just expect more if I was in her shoes.... Oh well.
    The Knot doesn't "set the rules".  It's not a sports game or a spelling bee.  It's life.  Let etiquette and common sense be your guide, not a corporation.  So far, what The Knot has led you to believe is supposed to happen has resulted in you crying on multiple occasions, feel as if you're suffering (which, sorry, you're basically planning a ceremony followed by a big dinner party - you realize that, right?), and upset with your friend.  So how are those "rules" The Knot's giving you working out for you so far?

    1.  Life is not a Hallmark movie.  No one is going to be as excited for your wedding as you.  It is not a year-long fawn-all-over you fest.  No one has a responsibility to plan your wedding besides you and the person you are marrying.  If you want to talk about your wedding, you should be talking it over with your FI.  If you need help planning something, your FI should be helping you. 

    2.  Maid of Honor is not a title someone earns by doing work for you.  You don't pick your Maid of Honor based on who can do the most stuff for you.  You bestow that honor upon someone because they are the closest person in your life and you can't imagine getting married without having them by your side.  If you picked them for any other reason, you did it wrong.

    2A.  Maid of Honor has no responsibilities besides standing up there next to you.  They don't earn their title by throwing you parties or helping you plan your wedding.  Anyone can throw you a party and those parties aren't required.  They are gifts to you from them.  That's all.  (And you shouldn't be having involvement in the throwing of those parties, but apparently that ship sailed.) 

    3.  It sucks that she's said she would do things and has not followed through.  Has she always been this way (and if she has, then why did you think she would magically change just because you're getting married)?  If she hasn't, could something be wrong?  Your post has a few red flags - she acted inappropriately in front of a 15 year old (again, has she always been this way and if so, then why did you think she would magically change just because you're getting married?), mentioned money issues, and her husband is encouraging her to quit her job (Why?  Is she upset about that? Is her job stressing her out and she hates it?  Are there physical or mental health issues that her job is exacerbating?).

    Reset your expectations, because the only requirement is that she wear the appointed attire, be sober enough to walk down an aisle, and stand next to you while you get married.  Anything she does above and beyond that is nice, but not required of her. 

    Be her friend.  Take your wedding out of the equation and work on your friendship.
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  • RezIpsaRezIpsa member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    heatherrae8 said:

    My friend I thought would be my voice as I tend to just stay quite when I'm upset and she is very outspoken.

    I kind of started skimming after this doozy. Your expectations of other people are inappropriate. The above is one example. Your post is rife with other examples.

    If she is really your friend, rather than pissing that relationship away with a flood of bad etiquette, why not call and apologize and take her out to lunch. No wedding talk. There is no event that is worth ruining friendships, including a wedding.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    heatherrae8 said:
    I know it's not a JOB, but there are certain implied roles that come along with accepting the "honor." I know that if someone asked me to be their MOH and I said yes, I would know I was picking up a lot of responsibility.
    Um, no.


    heatherrae8 said:
    https://www.theknot.com/content/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail

    Y'all should let The Knot know they're spreading lies.
    Oh FFS.


    heatherrae8 said:
    Also, I only got involved with shower planning because my MIL bit off more than she could chew and called me for help. As far as my b-party I didn't know it was the end of the world to do that. I paid my way and only offered people to come along to have a good time. My bad.
    Not your problem that she bit off more then she could chew.  You don't plan/throw parties in your honor.  It is common sense.


    heatherrae8 said:
    The Knot may not care if I have ruined friendships but they, and other wedding "authorities," do set the "rules" whether we like it or not or whether they follow the old school etiquette rules or not. Thanks for your advice everyone. I guess I would just expect more if I was in her shoes.... Oh well.
    Just because they set "rules" doesn't mean that you have to follow them.  And if you do choose to follow such nonsense then you need to be prepared to piss off your friends.

    And the bolded is where you went wrong.  You should never have expectations of others.  Just becasue you may do something one way doesn't mean that others will follow suit.  If you had kept your expectations low, or rather didn't have any, and only focused on the important thing of having your friend stand with you in your wedding, then you wouldn't be in this position.

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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    THAT BITCH. Kick her out of your wedding now. It's clear that she doesn't love you enough to be your MOH. Choose someone who will immediately quit their job, live in your basement and do nothing but live, eat, breathe and NEVER SLEEP... all about your wedding. You shouldn't have to lift a finger. You're just the one getting married. You're the princess. It's your special day.

    image
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Wowww... Well, you asked "what do I do?" So I will answer:

    Nothing.

    You can literally find anything on the internet. You could find someone who tells you MOHs should plan/pay for your wedding. You could fine someone who tells you it's a guest of honor role only.

    Here's the deal, though...obviously the way you've been handling things so far is very upsetting. You said you've cried multiple times. And you're justifying your expectations with some link you found on the internet.. So considering you can't control other people, maybe it's time to look within and adjust your own behavior/expectations.

    You planned a last minute party that would have cost her about $200. Don't be upset that she can't swing it. You seem to have expectations that she would help/plan other parties for you. Lower your expectations. You don't like what she orders at the bar. Let it go. You heard second hand (she refuted) that she was going to buy your cake. Don't believe everything you hear or expect her to buy your cake. Your MIL bit off more than she could chew. How is this your MOH's problem?

    RELAX. You're working yourself up with wedding frenzy and shit you're reading on the interwebz. Soon the wedding will be over. What will your relationships look like?
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    heatherrae8 said:
    The Knot may not care if I have ruined friendships but they, and other wedding "authorities," do set the "rules" whether we like it or not or whether they follow the old school etiquette rules or not. Thanks for your advice everyone. I guess I would just expect more if I was in her shoes.... Oh well.
    No, they don't. People set the rules, and people are clearly telling you that you have them wrong.

    The real question here is whether YOU care if you ruin friendships. It's starting to seem that the answer is no. 
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  • augsum15augsum15 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Never expect anything from BMs/MOH other than showing up on time in the dress. 

    The only thing you should be upset about here is her being rude to your little sister, that I'd suggest maybe talking to her about. If one of my friends told my 15 year old sister (which I have) to "eat or suck a d***" then i'd say something. Everything else, oh well, she's clearly and "all talk-no do" type of girl, so even if she's says she's doing something, expect she won't do it, and have a back up plan (if it's important and necessary). 
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