Wedding party lives far away

lembaslover · July 2015

Knottie1434918845 said:

They're very good friends I've known for years and I doubt they'd ever take money. They're excited about it and have already started planning it. One even bought a binder and began labeling different ideas she had for various things. They've known me and my fiance since we met and they're just happy for us.

Is your BFF Leslie Knope? If so that's pretty awesome, otherwise I agree with PP it's kind of weird...

It's great you have supportive friends but be careful you may get too many conflicting opinions and your own ideas could get lost. My fiance's opinion is the only one I'm listening to (except the dress which he hasn't seen). When people ask about stuff I'll tell them things but decisions have already been made at that point. You're marrying your FI not your BFFs.

snowywinter · July 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

JBee85 said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

climbingwife said:

Nobody is saying taking your friends wedding dress shopping is strange. I took my 2 bridesmaids with me.
Exactly. My friends came with me to pick out my dress. What they didn't do is make the appointment for me. That's odd.

I don't remember ever saying they made the appointment for me. You came up with that part.

Even I am getting very confused with your mixed messaging. Read your first post again:

"I have several friends here locally who have already been so supportive and helpful already with choosing a venue, dates, setting aside dates for wedding dress shopping with me, already talking about planning a shower, etc"

If they are setting dates aside, then they are booking appointment or telling you which days they are available to come? The meaning here is vague and it usually means making appointments. That's the part where people don't understand what you mean. So please don't be nasty to the posters here who are taking time out of their schedule to respond to your concerns or questions.

I agree- your local friends should not be assisting with any planning or choosing a venue. That decision is REALLY up to you and your future husband. Though they might mean well, there needs to be boundaries in place so they will not make your wedding theirs. I have seen a lot of wedding drama result from friends getting way too involved in a friend's wedding planning. So be careful.

This! Making binders and deciding what day you will be dress shopping is way too pushy. People ask how old you are because it is surprising the a grown woman wouldn't want to do these things for herself.

It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

snowywinter · July 2015

engagedhamstermom said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

They're very good friends I've known for years and I doubt they'd ever take money. They're excited about it and have already started planning it. One even bought a binder and began labeling different ideas she had for various things. They've known me and my fiance since we met and they're just happy for us.

Is your BFF Leslie Knope? If so that's pretty awesome, otherwise I agree with PP it's kind of weird...

It's great you have supportive friends but be careful you may get too many conflicting opinions and your own ideas could get lost. My fiance's opinion is the only one I'm listening to (except the dress which he hasn't seen). When people ask about stuff I'll tell them things but decisions have already been made at that point. You're marrying your FI not your BFFs.

My fiance is deployed. You're lucky you had yours with you during the planning process. Not everyone is as fortunate.

particuliersylphe · July 2015

Knottie1434918845 said:
It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

Everyone here, I'm sure, completely understands that situations are different. You asked for their thoughts, they gave them. I don't think anyone is being judgey so much as confused.

snowywinter · July 2015

particuliersylphe said:

Knottie1434918845 said:
It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

Everyone here, I'm sure, completely understands that situations are different. You asked for their thoughts, they gave them. I don't think anyone is being judgey so much as confused.

Sorry, I disagree. I asked for advice about something else and while I do agree that people are free to reply to whatever, I don't think that means I automatically have to respect everything they say when they give unsolicited advice. I never asked "hey, do you guys think this is weird?" or "hey, what do you guys think about the Great Binder Caper?" I asked a simple question and those who answered got my thanks and gratitude. Those who totally ignored my question in favor of their own snotty judgment are within their rights to do that, but so am I in responding in-kind and passing snotty judgment on to them for their lack of social grace, even on the Internet. I also disagree that they're being confused instead of judgmental. Being confused would be asking "is that how you guys normally are?" or "my friends wouldn't do that so this is a foreign concept for me." That kind of thing I totally get. Saying repeatedly how "weird" (judgment!) it is IS, by definition judgmental. Saying "I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling" IS, by definition, judgmental. Asking "how old are you?" IS, by definition, judgmental when the implication is obviously that I must be young, naive, and immature.

As I said, the ones who actually answered the question I asked got thanks. No one with a spine is going to thank a stranger for making her feel like crap for asking a qestion.

particuliersylphe · July 2015

Knottie1434918845 said:

particuliersylphe said:

Knottie1434918845 said:
It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

Everyone here, I'm sure, completely understands that situations are different. You asked for their thoughts, they gave them. I don't think anyone is being judgey so much as confused.

Sorry, I disagree. I asked for advice about something else and while I do agree that people are free to reply to whatever, I don't think that means I automatically have to respect everything they say when they give unsolicited advice. I never asked "hey, do you guys think this is weird?" or "hey, what do you guys think about the Great Binder Caper?" I asked a simple question and those who answered got my thanks and gratitude. Those who totally ignored my question in favor of their own snotty judgment are within their rights to do that, but so am I in responding in-kind and passing snotty judgment on to them for their lack of social grace, even on the Internet. I also disagree that they're being confused instead of judgmental. Being confused would be asking "is that how you guys normally are?" or "my friends wouldn't do that so this is a foreign concept for me." That kind of thing I totally get. Saying repeatedly how "weird" (judgment!) it is IS, by definition judgmental. Saying "I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling" IS, by definition, judgmental. Asking "how old are you?" IS, by definition, judgmental when the implication is obviously that I must be young, naive, and immature.

As I said, the ones who actually answered the question I asked got thanks. No one with a spine is going to thank a stranger for making her feel like crap for asking a qestion.

Oh good grief, one poster even said she was confused by your mixed messages. I wasn't even being snotty in my reply and just trying to say "Hey, I don't think they meant it that way", nicely. Even then you seemed to take that as a tear at you, which I'm sorry if you read it that way, but it was not.. Its the internet, no one knows anything about you unless you give them the details, people here try to help! I understand that words don't travel well through typing on a message board. I asked a "hey, what would you do in this situation question" once and got some replies that required clarification, and really only one truly snarky reply, you just have to let the stuff roll. The posters here are very nice and helpful, but they call things as they seem them via the details given to them.

For what its worth, if anything, my entire WP live in different states than I do, so I understand not having them close by. On the other hand, when I think about it, that doesn't make much of a difference to me because my wedding is in the state where most of them are, and we outfit shop online. Everyone is different, but the posters here are a good resource.

*Edited because I was typing too quickly

snowywinter · July 2015

particuliersylphe said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

particuliersylphe said:

Knottie1434918845 said:
It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

Everyone here, I'm sure, completely understands that situations are different. You asked for their thoughts, they gave them. I don't think anyone is being judgey so much as confused.

Sorry, I disagree. I asked for advice about something else and while I do agree that people are free to reply to whatever, I don't think that means I automatically have to respect everything they say when they give unsolicited advice. I never asked "hey, do you guys think this is weird?" or "hey, what do you guys think about the Great Binder Caper?" I asked a simple question and those who answered got my thanks and gratitude. Those who totally ignored my question in favor of their own snotty judgment are within their rights to do that, but so am I in responding in-kind and passing snotty judgment on to them for their lack of social grace, even on the Internet. I also disagree that they're being confused instead of judgmental. Being confused would be asking "is that how you guys normally are?" or "my friends wouldn't do that so this is a foreign concept for me." That kind of thing I totally get. Saying repeatedly how "weird" (judgment!) it is IS, by definition judgmental. Saying "I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling" IS, by definition, judgmental. Asking "how old are you?" IS, by definition, judgmental when the implication is obviously that I must be young, naive, and immature.

As I said, the ones who actually answered the question I asked got thanks. No one with a spine is going to thank a stranger for making her feel like crap for asking a qestion.

Oh good grief, one poster even said she was confused by your mixed messages. I wasn't even being snotty in my reply and just trying to say "Hey, I don't think they meant it that way", nicely. Even then you seemed to take that as a tear at you, which I'm sorry if you read it that way, but it was not.. Its the internet, no one knows anything about you unless you give them the details, people here try to help! I understand that words don't travel well through typing on a message board. I asked a "hey, what would you do in this situation question" once and got some replies that required clarification, and really only one truly snarky reply, you just have to let the stuff roll. The posters here are very nice and helpful, but they call things as they seem them via the details given to them.

For what its worth, if anything, my entire WP live in different states than I do, so I understand not having them close by. On the other hand, when I think about it, that doesn't make much of a difference to me because my wedding is in the state where most of them are, and we outfit shop online. Everyone is different, but the posters here are a good resource.

*Edited because I was typing too quickly

First of all, I never said that every single poster was judgmental. I said SOME were. And second, I never took any offense at your post. Not at all. I was simply telling you that I disagreed with your perspective and why. Nothing more. I didn't take it as a "tear" at me.

And yes, I agree that most people here are helpful and are just trying to help. But some, based on my lurking (and it tends to be the same "some") tend to be judgmental and snarky, regardless of the thread, even cursing up a storm to get their point across. Sorry, but to me, that's not helpful. That's the opposite of helpful and based on threads I've read, many posters feel the same. Yes, some of us make faux pas. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here asking for advice. But guiding and advising someone is different than essentially making people feel like they're startling idiots for not knowing this or that in the first place. This has come up on numerous threads with numerous posters who ask for advice and are made to feel bad for ever even asking and as I said, it's usually the same circle of posters.

So yes, I do appreciate the posters who were helpful (yourself included). I do not appreciate being judged and snarked at simply because my BFF was overly excited about my wedding. Different strokes.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

Knottie1434918845 said:

particuliersylphe said:

Knottie1434918845 said:
It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

Everyone here, I'm sure, completely understands that situations are different. You asked for their thoughts, they gave them. I don't think anyone is being judgey so much as confused.

Sorry, I disagree. I asked for advice about something else and while I do agree that people are free to reply to whatever, I don't think that means I automatically have to respect everything they say when they give unsolicited advice. I never asked "hey, do you guys think this is weird?" or "hey, what do you guys think about the Great Binder Caper?" I asked a simple question and those who answered got my thanks and gratitude. Those who totally ignored my question in favor of their own snotty judgment are within their rights to do that, but so am I in responding in-kind and passing snotty judgment on to them for their lack of social grace, even on the Internet. I also disagree that they're being confused instead of judgmental. Being confused would be asking "is that how you guys normally are?" or "my friends wouldn't do that so this is a foreign concept for me." That kind of thing I totally get. Saying repeatedly how "weird" (judgment!) it is IS, by definition judgmental. Saying "I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling" IS, by definition, judgmental. Asking "how old are you?" IS, by definition, judgmental when the implication is obviously that I must be young, naive, and immature.

As I said, the ones who actually answered the question I asked got thanks. No one with a spine is going to thank a stranger for making her feel like crap for asking a qestion.

Right, but here's the thing you are missing. This is a problem, even if it wasn't what you asked about. No one cares that it's weird.

If you showed up here and asked for the best way to drive off a cliff, everyone would tell you not to drive off a cliff. Just because it wasn't what you want to hear doesn't mean it isn't really helpful.

Maybe if you re-read the responses without being so defensive, you might be able to see it, but I doubt it.

kkitkat79 · July 2015

It's not weird.

snowywinter · July 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

particuliersylphe said:

Knottie1434918845 said:
It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

Everyone here, I'm sure, completely understands that situations are different. You asked for their thoughts, they gave them. I don't think anyone is being judgey so much as confused.

Sorry, I disagree. I asked for advice about something else and while I do agree that people are free to reply to whatever, I don't think that means I automatically have to respect everything they say when they give unsolicited advice. I never asked "hey, do you guys think this is weird?" or "hey, what do you guys think about the Great Binder Caper?" I asked a simple question and those who answered got my thanks and gratitude. Those who totally ignored my question in favor of their own snotty judgment are within their rights to do that, but so am I in responding in-kind and passing snotty judgment on to them for their lack of social grace, even on the Internet. I also disagree that they're being confused instead of judgmental. Being confused would be asking "is that how you guys normally are?" or "my friends wouldn't do that so this is a foreign concept for me." That kind of thing I totally get. Saying repeatedly how "weird" (judgment!) it is IS, by definition judgmental. Saying "I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling" IS, by definition, judgmental. Asking "how old are you?" IS, by definition, judgmental when the implication is obviously that I must be young, naive, and immature.

As I said, the ones who actually answered the question I asked got thanks. No one with a spine is going to thank a stranger for making her feel like crap for asking a qestion.

Right, but here's the thing you are missing. This is a problem, even if it wasn't what you asked about. No one cares that it's weird.

If you showed up here and asked for the best way to drive off a cliff, everyone would tell you not to drive off a cliff. Just because it wasn't what you want to hear doesn't mean it isn't really helpful.

Maybe if you re-read the responses without being so defensive, you might be able to see it, but I doubt it.

And maybe if you stepped out of your judgmental bubble, you'd see that this is in no way, shape, or form a problem. Just because it's YOUR opinion that this is weird does not in any way, shape, or form mean that it is. In fact, I think it's incredibly presumptuous and arrogant of you to even assume that it's a problem. In my opinion, that kind of narrow-minded thinking is the real problem, not my relationship with my girlfriends.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

Knottie1434918845 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

particuliersylphe said:

Knottie1434918845 said:
It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

Everyone here, I'm sure, completely understands that situations are different. You asked for their thoughts, they gave them. I don't think anyone is being judgey so much as confused.

Sorry, I disagree. I asked for advice about something else and while I do agree that people are free to reply to whatever, I don't think that means I automatically have to respect everything they say when they give unsolicited advice. I never asked "hey, do you guys think this is weird?" or "hey, what do you guys think about the Great Binder Caper?" I asked a simple question and those who answered got my thanks and gratitude. Those who totally ignored my question in favor of their own snotty judgment are within their rights to do that, but so am I in responding in-kind and passing snotty judgment on to them for their lack of social grace, even on the Internet. I also disagree that they're being confused instead of judgmental. Being confused would be asking "is that how you guys normally are?" or "my friends wouldn't do that so this is a foreign concept for me." That kind of thing I totally get. Saying repeatedly how "weird" (judgment!) it is IS, by definition judgmental. Saying "I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling" IS, by definition, judgmental. Asking "how old are you?" IS, by definition, judgmental when the implication is obviously that I must be young, naive, and immature.

As I said, the ones who actually answered the question I asked got thanks. No one with a spine is going to thank a stranger for making her feel like crap for asking a qestion.

Right, but here's the thing you are missing. This is a problem, even if it wasn't what you asked about. No one cares that it's weird.

If you showed up here and asked for the best way to drive off a cliff, everyone would tell you not to drive off a cliff. Just because it wasn't what you want to hear doesn't mean it isn't really helpful.

Maybe if you re-read the responses without being so defensive, you might be able to see it, but I doubt it.

And maybe if you stepped out of your judgmental bubble, you'd see that this is in no way, shape, or form a problem. Just because it's YOUR opinion that this is weird does not in any way, shape, or form mean that it is. In fact, I think it's incredibly presumptuous and arrogant of you to even assume that it's a problem. In my opinion, that kind of narrow-minded thinking is the real problem, not my relationship with my girlfriends.

Like I said, I didn't think you could.

It is a problem that a friend has no boundaries and is getting so deep into your wedding planning. If you take a few minutes to read through the board, you'll see dozens of posts with issues where a couple let a friend or parent have too much control, and now they don't know how to take back control of their own wedding.

It's not narrow minded to think that an adult should be able to function without friends telling her how to do everything. It is narrow minded to refuse to listen to anything other than what you want to hear.

lovemesomemonster · July 2015

Putting the fact aside that I also think it's a little strange that your friend made a binder I will give my advice. Include them in things they want to be included in, invite them as guests, and if you feel compelled get them a little thank you gift before the wedding. Take them out to lunch and do a girls day with pedis or put them in your wedding party if you want to.

I do know exactly where you are coming from, all of my girls are out of state from me and from each other, we are spread all over the place. We coordinate things through a private facebook group and group texts (although there isn't much to coordinate and they aren't doing anything aside from the random "is this a crazy idea" questions from me). FI is also out of state, has been for 3 months and will be until November, technology is a wonderful thing, he is also kept up to date and opinions are asked while he's gone as well.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

Knottie1434918845 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

particuliersylphe said:

Knottie1434918845 said:
It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

Everyone here, I'm sure, completely understands that situations are different. You asked for their thoughts, they gave them. I don't think anyone is being judgey so much as confused.

Sorry, I disagree. I asked for advice about something else and while I do agree that people are free to reply to whatever, I don't think that means I automatically have to respect everything they say when they give unsolicited advice. I never asked "hey, do you guys think this is weird?" or "hey, what do you guys think about the Great Binder Caper?" I asked a simple question and those who answered got my thanks and gratitude. Those who totally ignored my question in favor of their own snotty judgment are within their rights to do that, but so am I in responding in-kind and passing snotty judgment on to them for their lack of social grace, even on the Internet. I also disagree that they're being confused instead of judgmental. Being confused would be asking "is that how you guys normally are?" or "my friends wouldn't do that so this is a foreign concept for me." That kind of thing I totally get. Saying repeatedly how "weird" (judgment!) it is IS, by definition judgmental. Saying "I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling" IS, by definition, judgmental. Asking "how old are you?" IS, by definition, judgmental when the implication is obviously that I must be young, naive, and immature.

As I said, the ones who actually answered the question I asked got thanks. No one with a spine is going to thank a stranger for making her feel like crap for asking a qestion.

Right, but here's the thing you are missing. This is a problem, even if it wasn't what you asked about. No one cares that it's weird.

If you showed up here and asked for the best way to drive off a cliff, everyone would tell you not to drive off a cliff. Just because it wasn't what you want to hear doesn't mean it isn't really helpful.

Maybe if you re-read the responses without being so defensive, you might be able to see it, but I doubt it.

And maybe if you stepped out of your judgmental bubble, you'd see that this is in no way, shape, or form a problem. Just because it's YOUR opinion that this is weird does not in any way, shape, or form mean that it is. In fact, I think it's incredibly presumptuous and arrogant of you to even assume that it's a problem. In my opinion, that kind of narrow-minded thinking is the real problem, not my relationship with my girlfriends.

Like I said, I didn't think you could.

It is a problem that a friend has no boundaries. If you take a few minutes to read through the board, you'll see dozens of posts with issues where a couple let someone have too much control, and now they don't know how to take back control of their own wedding.

It's not narrow minded to think that an adult should be able to function without friends telling her how to do everything. It is narrow minded to refuse to listen to anything other than what you want to hear.

flbride2015 · July 2015

Knottie1434918845 said:

engagedhamstermom said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

They're very good friends I've known for years and I doubt they'd ever take money. They're excited about it and have already started planning it. One even bought a binder and began labeling different ideas she had for various things. They've known me and my fiance since we met and they're just happy for us.

Is your BFF Leslie Knope? If so that's pretty awesome, otherwise I agree with PP it's kind of weird...

It's great you have supportive friends but be careful you may get too many conflicting opinions and your own ideas could get lost. My fiance's opinion is the only one I'm listening to (except the dress which he hasn't seen). When people ask about stuff I'll tell them things but decisions have already been made at that point. You're marrying your FI not your BFFs.

My fiance is deployed. You're lucky you had yours with you during the planning process. Not everyone is as fortunate.

My ex and I were both deployed when we planned our wedding. It was a little harder because we had to communicate through e-mail and across opposite time zones but we planned it. Planning a wedding is not rocket science.

Herbert272008 · July 2015

OP, take everyone out for a girls day/lunch and call it good. As for any of it being weird, who cares? None of my family is around for planning opinions and since my FI isn't really interested, I am doing a lot of it with my BM who is crazy excited to help. I plan on going dress shopping with her since we go clothes shopping all the time. We just went to a tasting/bridal open house together and had a blast. I'm sorry you can't share all this with your FI, but it sounds like you have awesome friends who want to share this with you.

snowywinter · July 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

particuliersylphe said:

Knottie1434918845 said:
It's also surprising that grown women judge so casually instead of realizing that everyone is different. JMO.

Everyone here, I'm sure, completely understands that situations are different. You asked for their thoughts, they gave them. I don't think anyone is being judgey so much as confused.

Sorry, I disagree. I asked for advice about something else and while I do agree that people are free to reply to whatever, I don't think that means I automatically have to respect everything they say when they give unsolicited advice. I never asked "hey, do you guys think this is weird?" or "hey, what do you guys think about the Great Binder Caper?" I asked a simple question and those who answered got my thanks and gratitude. Those who totally ignored my question in favor of their own snotty judgment are within their rights to do that, but so am I in responding in-kind and passing snotty judgment on to them for their lack of social grace, even on the Internet. I also disagree that they're being confused instead of judgmental. Being confused would be asking "is that how you guys normally are?" or "my friends wouldn't do that so this is a foreign concept for me." That kind of thing I totally get. Saying repeatedly how "weird" (judgment!) it is IS, by definition judgmental. Saying "I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling" IS, by definition, judgmental. Asking "how old are you?" IS, by definition, judgmental when the implication is obviously that I must be young, naive, and immature.

As I said, the ones who actually answered the question I asked got thanks. No one with a spine is going to thank a stranger for making her feel like crap for asking a qestion.

Right, but here's the thing you are missing. This is a problem, even if it wasn't what you asked about. No one cares that it's weird.

If you showed up here and asked for the best way to drive off a cliff, everyone would tell you not to drive off a cliff. Just because it wasn't what you want to hear doesn't mean it isn't really helpful.

Maybe if you re-read the responses without being so defensive, you might be able to see it, but I doubt it.

And maybe if you stepped out of your judgmental bubble, you'd see that this is in no way, shape, or form a problem. Just because it's YOUR opinion that this is weird does not in any way, shape, or form mean that it is. In fact, I think it's incredibly presumptuous and arrogant of you to even assume that it's a problem. In my opinion, that kind of narrow-minded thinking is the real problem, not my relationship with my girlfriends.

Like I said, I didn't think you could.

It is a problem that a friend has no boundaries and is getting so deep into your wedding planning. If you take a few minutes to read through the board, you'll see dozens of posts with issues where a couple let a friend or parent have too much control, and now they don't know how to take back control of their own wedding.

It's not narrow minded to think that an adult should be able to function without friends telling her how to do everything. It is narrow minded to refuse to listen to anything other than what you want to hear.

What's narrow-minded is passing judgment on others when you know 0.0001% of the information and assuming that anyone needs her friends to tell her how to do "everything." That is the very definition of judgmental. Condescending, judgmental advice will never be anything that I will listen to. If that disrupts your life in some way, tough.

snowywinter · July 2015

snowywinter · July 2015

Herbert272008 said:

OP, take everyone out for a girls day/lunch and call it good. As for any of it being weird, who cares? None of my family is around for planning opinions and since my FI isn't really interested, I am doing a lot of it with my BM who is crazy excited to help. I plan on going dress shopping with her since we go clothes shopping all the time. We just went to a tasting/bridal open house together and had a blast. I'm sorry you can't share all this with your FI, but it sounds like you have awesome friends who want to share this with you.

Thank you! I'm so glad others are willing to share their experiences even when they differ from what some posters want others to believe is the "norm."

Wedding party lives far away

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