Not involved soon to be mother in law. Gets gift or no?

Jenn101015 · August 2015

So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding. We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't. Let me set you up so you understand my situation.

I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything. OK guess you don't care. She has not offered help to me or my mother. We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal. So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.

What would you do?!?!?!?!

Maggie0829 · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding. We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't. Let me set you up so you understand my situation.
I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything. OK guess you don't care. She has not offered help to me or my mother. We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal. So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.
What would you do?!?!?!?!

No one is obligated to pay or plan anything except you and your FI, regardless what "tradition" tells you.

And maybe she didn't want to look over a list of songs that YOU chose for her dance with her son. Did you ever think to just have your FI tell his Mom to think of a song, any song, that she would like to dance to. Or maybe this is a decision that should be left up to your FI and his Mom without any input from you. You making a list for her was kind of overstepping IMO.

And you don't buy people gifts based on how much money they gave or how much help they provided. You buy parent gifts because you want to honor them and thank them for being parents. To not buy her a gift because she didn't help is super snarky and will just make you look like a bitch to the people around you. Don't put yourself in a position to look like that.

Blue_Bird · August 2015

This all sounds very childish.

Jen4948 · August 2015

Don't make this a tit-for-tat issue. Even though it sucks that your FMIL isn't showing interest in your plans or helping to host or pay for anything, she isn't obligated to do so.

You're not required to give her a gift, but if you do so, it should be a gesture of love and respect for her, not a quid pro quo for her help or lack thereof. Whatever your decision, be respectful of your FMIL at all times and leave the question of what song she dances with your FI to up to them.

Viczaesar · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding. We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't. Let me set you up so you understand my situation.
I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything. OK guess you don't care. She has not offered help to me or my mother. We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal. So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.
What would you do?!?!?!?!

Good lord, could you be any more petty? Parent gifts are not for the purpose of thanking them for paying for or planning your wedding. It is not her job to do so. They're 'thank you for being in my life and raising me to be the person I am today' type gifts. If you're getting them for one set of parents you should do so for the other as well.

MairePoppy · August 2015

Those gifts that you give the parents aren't rewards for helping with the wedding. They are to let the parents know that you value your relationships with them. You should pick out gifts for your parents and he should pick out gifts for his. They should be of similar value.You may also write a thank you note to your parents for their help with the wedding and that should be given to them privately.

Don't be tempted to embarass your FMIL, publicly, by not giving her a gift. If my daughter did that, I'd be embarrassed that she had such poor manners.

VicTim328 · August 2015

What does you FI think? Would he be hurt that you are considering not doing something for his mother? IMO gifts for the parents come from both of you. If your at a loss for ideas, or are having a difficult time coming to grips with doing something for her, ask you FI to take the lead on it.

Regardless of your feelings of her disinterest, you need to be the woman your mom hopes she raised and treat your FMIL as you would her, or as you expect FI to treat your mother.

Lack of obligations aside, it sounds like you are disheartened for the lack of interest and effort on her part, which makes me wonder, is your FMIL supportive of your marriage? It sounds like this is an already difficult relationship, as you have to question whether or not to do something for her.

Do you regularly spend time with her? If not, invite her to take a day and do something together that is not about your wedding. Maybe there is a reason for her disinterest. It could be it's just her personality. It could be that she feels left out or that she is intruding. Or it could be she is not comfortable with you yet. Or that she is struggling with accepting the fact that her little boy will have another woman in his life. No matter how difficult your FIL's may be, try to remember that they helped make your FI the man you love and want to marry.

levioosa · August 2015

PPs have it covered. You sound very immature.

CMGragain · August 2015

Your FMIL is going to be in your life for a very long time. I would advise you to ditch the petty attitude and do everything that you can to help her like you. You are only hurting yourself by making trouble about something so insignificant.
How old are you?

AddieCake · August 2015

The gift is for being a parent, not for how much they pay for or participate in your wedding planning. Grow up.

climbingsingle · August 2015

You don't give gifts to people because they did things for you. You give gifts to honor them and thank them for being a part of your day. This is your FI's mother - someone that will be in your life for most likely a very long time. It's up to you what kind of relationship you have with her. By all means, nitpick and be angry she didn't help. Let me know how that works out for you.

No one is required to help you plan your wedding. My MIL and mother didn't help. My husband and I did everything ourselves. And we still thanked our parents and gave them gifts, because we love them and wanted to honor them.

aliwis000 · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding. We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't. Let me set you up so you understand my situation.
I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything. OK guess you don't care. She has not offered help to me or my mother. We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal. So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.
What would you do?!?!?!?!

You only had me by a thread then the "We are doing this very traditional however..." part ripped that right off.

Sorry the only person responsible for paying for your life is you. The idea that you are not getting her a gift because she has not given you money is petty.

You are not mature enough to get married.

arrrghmatey · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding. We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't. Let me set you up so you understand my situation.
I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything. OK guess you don't care. She has not offered help to me or my mother. We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal. So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.
What would you do?!?!?!?!

No no no no no…..You do NOT do that. You've over stepped yourself by prying your way into a decision that should be an intimate one between your FI and his mother. You just do not do that! My FMIL even asked ME for ideas on songs for her and my FI to dance to, and I quickly took a step back with a "Nono, this is something very personal you and your son need to decide."

She probably doesn't like your attitude and approach to this wedding, especially if you've made any kind of inclination that they should be helping you pay for this wedding (which, as others have already said, they do not need to--pay for your own damn wedding). Gifts are to honor your parents for being good parents to you and raising you. Not as an exchange or a gauge for how much money they contributed to your wedding. Grow up!

AddieCake · August 2015

I would really like to know why you gave her a list of songs to choose from. This is something that she should be discussing with her son. can you explain why you did that?

climbingsingle · August 2015

Yes, regarding the song. Why do you think it's appropriate for you to choose the song she's going to dance with her son to? Talk about overstepping!

MobKaz · August 2015

Sweet Lord. Do you have a sister marrying as well? This same immature, petty, and disgusting attitude is playing out on the 40+ Bride board as well.

What is wrong with people?

Jenn101015 · August 2015

ok people, im not being petty, childish or any of that. and if i left it up to them, they just ignore and there would be no dance for them but i want to honor them with a dance. i did ask her if there were any songs she had in mind and she did not answer. this was an honest not immature question that did not need such harsh judgement. i AM getting people gifts out of love not due to the amount of money they paid. i dont care about that. and i have extended several olive branches to my FMIL. you do not know all of my details of my life. I dont expect her to pay to help with the wedding but i was hoping that she would like to be involved with making decor, etc.

AGAIN, you jerks dont know me or my full situation so take you judgemental attitudes else where.

Did you ever thing that i am trying to include her and maybe my feelings are hurt that i thought she would be more involved,

Also, the music list that i have and gave to her came from my DJ and it is a list of the top 50 mother/son dance songs, i didnt pull the list out of my ass.

ShesSoCold · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

ok people, im not being petty, childish or any of that. and if i left it up to them, they just ignore and there would be no dance for them but i want to honor them with a dance. i did ask her if there were any songs she had in mind and she did not answer. this was an honest not immature question that did not need such harsh judgement. i AM getting people gifts out of love not due to the amount of money they paid. i dont care about that. and i have extended several olive branches to my FMIL. you do not know all of my details of my life. I dont expect her to pay to help with the wedding but i was hoping that she would like to be involved with making decor, etc.

AGAIN, you [removed] dont know me or my full situation so take you judgemental attitudes else where.

Did you ever thing that i am trying to include her and maybe my feelings are hurt that i thought she would be more involved,

Also, the music list that i have and gave to her came from my DJ and it is a list of the top 50 mother/son dance songs, i didnt pull the list out of my ass.

Did YOU ever think that maybe your FMIL doesn't want to do a spotlight dance? Did YOU ever think that maybe she's just not that in to wedding planning? Maybe she's just not that into you.

My dad would have been mortified if we'd done a father-daughter dance. The only things my step-MIL asked me about was travel for her (destination wedding) and never anything about the wedding itself. I managed to not lodge my head in my own ass and understand that she just doesn't care much and didn't take it personally.

YOU brought up the fact that she hasn't helped pay or plan, yet suddenly now you don't care? No need to backpedal, own up to your feelings, vent here and move on with your life.

You cannot dictate your relationship with your FMIL and you can't stomp your feet until she kisses your ass. You can, however, suck it up, be nice to her and move on. It could be worse, she could be trying to involve herself in every single thing and be a total pain in your neck.

lyndausvi · August 2015

Let's see, my MIL didn't help with planning and/or paying for the wedding. Not even the RD. We, as in DH and I, paid for the RD.

IT WAS NOT AN ISSUE AT ALL.

When picking out the mother-son song I asked her opinion. She didn't have one. And quite honestly it can be VERY overwhelming. DH picked a few songs, then asked for her opinion. She then picked on from DH's list.

We still gave her a gift. Granted it was "only" a parent's album from our wedding and a nice picture frame of us (of course :P ).

My parents, who are well off and pretty traditional with stuff (including weddings), always taught me it's rude to expect people to follow your own traditions. While yes they do follow certain traditions it's not our place to expect others.

It's even ruder to spend other people's money (i.e. expecting them to pay for an RD).

My parents still paid for traditional stuff bride's parents do. DH and I covered the rest. Which is still a pretty good deal opposed to paying for the whole thing which, as the couple we are responsible party.

Point is: Never spend other people's money. As the couple it's your responsibility to pay for your own wedding. Be grateful for any help you might received. Never "punish" those who can not or don't want to help.

jacques27 · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

ok people, im not being petty, childish or any of that. and if i left it up to them, they just ignore and there would be no dance for them but i want to honor them with a dance. i did ask her if there were any songs she had in mind and she did not answer. this was an honest not immature question that did not need such harsh judgement. i AM getting people gifts out of love not due to the amount of money they paid. i dont care about that. and i have extended several olive branches to my FMIL. you do not know all of my details of my life. I dont expect her to pay to help with the wedding but i was hoping that she would like to be involved with making decor, etc.

AGAIN, you jerks dont know me or my full situation so take you judgemental attitudes else where.

Did you ever thing that i am trying to include her and maybe my feelings are hurt that i thought she would be more involved,

Also, the music list that i have and gave to her came from my DJ and it is a list of the top 50 mother/son dance songs, i didnt pull the list out of my ass.

Well, aren't you just a peach. I can't see why she wouldn't just be chomping at the bit to help you!

Regarding the bolded - did you ask them if they want to be "honored" with a dance? Maybe she doesn't like dancing or dancing in front of people. Maybe she doesn't like being the center of attention. Maybe she thinks she'll be too emotional and doesn't want to do it. Maybe if it were up to them there wouldn't be a dance because they don't want a dance. Instead of forcing "honors" upon them because you want it, try asking them what they want, offer the option, and leave it at that.

And maybe some people just aren't into wedding planning and she's one of those people. Or she's not into the types of things you want her to be involved with - I personally could give f*** all about decor and music, but planning menus and cake and I'm there. Or maybe she thinks that as the mother of the groom, she shouldn't be as involved and doesn't want to take away from your mother. Or maybe she just doesn't really much care for you. Who knows? Has she always been standoffish with you? If so, what would make you think that wedding planning would magically change that? If she hasn't always been that way, then have you tried communicating with her to ask if anything is wrong or just generally try to engage with her about something not wedding related?

And other PP's have it covered - the gift to the parents is to thank them for raising you and being a part of the day - it's not based on monetary gifts to your wedding or how much time they spend helping you plan your decor.

NowIAmSyp · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

ok people, im not being petty, childish or any of that. and if i left it up to them, they just ignore and there would be no dance for them but i want to honor them with a dance. i did ask her if there were any songs she had in mind and she did not answer. this was an honest not immature question that did not need such harsh judgement. i AM getting people gifts out of love not due to the amount of money they paid. i dont care about that. and i have extended several olive branches to my FMIL. you do not know all of my details of my life. I dont expect her to pay to help with the wedding but i was hoping that she would like to be involved with making decor, etc.

AGAIN, you jerks dont know me or my full situation so take you judgemental attitudes else where.

Did you ever thing that i am trying to include her and maybe my feelings are hurt that i thought she would be more involved,

Also, the music list that i have and gave to her came from my DJ and it is a list of the top 50 mother/son dance songs, i didnt pull the list out of my ass.

Lovely

aliwis000 · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

ok people, im not being petty, childish or any of that. and if i left it up to them, they just ignore and there would be no dance for them but i want to honor them with a dance. i did ask her if there were any songs she had in mind and she did not answer. this was an honest not immature question that did not need such harsh judgement. i AM getting people gifts out of love not due to the amount of money they paid. i dont care about that. and i have extended several olive branches to my FMIL. you do not know all of my details of my life. I dont expect her to pay to help with the wedding but i was hoping that she would like to be involved with making decor, etc.

AGAIN, you jerks dont know me or my full situation so take you judgemental attitudes else where.

Did you ever thing that i am trying to include her and maybe my feelings are hurt that i thought she would be more involved,

Also, the music list that i have and gave to her came from my DJ and it is a list of the top 50 mother/son dance songs, i didnt pull the list out of my ass.

Anyone else think she was stamping her foot on the ground while writing this?

Jenn101015 · August 2015

Ya know, i wasnt stomping my foot as you say while writing this. I felt attacked and i wanted to defend myself. As for the people who actually gave good advice (which is what i thought these forums were for), I appreciate your advice and different senarios for how she may be feeling. I probably should have taking a look back on how she was when her daughter got married a couple years ago. She wasnt very involved at that time, so i should not expect anything less.

MairePoppy · August 2015

The title of this thread implies that you would like to know if you have to get your FMIL a gift if she hasn't offered to help out with the wedding or RD. When you are told that would be rude, you call us jerks. This is the first time we've met you, what kind of impression do you think you've made?

Jenn101015 said:

Ya know, i wasnt stomping my foot as you say while writing this. I felt attacked and i wanted to defend myself. As for the people who actually gave good advice (which is what i thought these forums were for), I appreciate your advice and different senarios for how she may be feeling. I probably should have taking a look back on how she was when her daughter got married a couple years ago. She wasnt very involved at that time, so i should not expect anything less.

AddieCake · August 2015

It doesn't matter who gave you the list of songs. It also doesn't matter that there would be no dance if you left it up to them. Maybe they don't want to dance. You say you were trying to honor them. Where is your fiancé (the one whose mother this is, the one who would be doing this dance) in this decision? You do not call all the shots. YOU are the one thinking a woman who hasn't helped or participated enough shouldn't get a parent gift. YOU are the one being a jerk, not us.

aliwis000 · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

Ya know, i wasnt stomping my foot as you say while writing this. I felt attacked and i wanted to defend myself. As for the people who actually gave good advice (which is what i thought these forums were for), I appreciate your advice and different senarios for how she may be feeling. I probably should have taking a look back on how she was when her daughter got married a couple years ago. She wasnt very involved at that time, so i should not expect anything less.

Stuck in box:

You felt attacked? Wow.

I read through all the posts. I did not feel anyone attacked you. Did people say you were being petty? Yes, but that is pretty true. Childish? Yeppers. Sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong? *Nods*

Sorry just because people are telling stuff you do not want to hear does not mean they are attacking you.

My advice? Do not go into any service/retail industry. They will eat you alive.

CMGragain · August 2015

I am still curious about how old you are. You didn't answer that.

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding. We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't. Let me set you up so you understand my situation.
I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything. OK guess you don't care. She has not offered help to me or my mother. A. We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal. So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.
B. What would you do?!?!?!?!

A. You very blatantly state that because this is traditional but the groom's side does not want to help pay for the rehearsal, you feel "she does not deserve a gift". Did she raise the man you wish to marry? THAT is what the gift is for. Not a stupid rehearsal. That is YOUR responsibility until someone OFFERS to help.

B. If you give any gifts to your parents, she should get an equal gift, or YOU will be the jerk. There are no extenuating circumstances.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2015

You don't care for your FMIL, that much is obvious, and okay. I'm not in love with mine either. Am I disappointed that she seems disinterested in our wedding (aside from dictating religion)? Yes, but only because it visibly hurts FI's feelings.

Will she still be an honored guest at our wedding? Absolutely! She will host a table, she will have a corsage, and she will receive a gift at the RD. She still isn't sure if she feels comfortable with the spotlight dance, so we told her - you can change your mind anytime you want. The DJ will have the song FI picked out for you either way.

Gift giving says more about the giver than the recipient. What would your lack of gift/lack of thoughtful gift say to her? Is that really how you want to start the first day as a member of her extended family?

Jenn101015 · August 2015

His sister was pretty much the mother roll in his life until 12 then his mom moved him in with them with a bf and her bfs son beat on him as a child. and she just turned her head. So im sorry that she not my fav person its because of how my FI grew up, luckily he has learned from her mistakes and does everything opposite she has down. Yes she is being honored as far as being walked down to her seat, and all the other things that you do at wedding. I do my best myself to call and include her in everything I can.

Maybe you'll get why shes not my fav person now maybe you wont there is more to the reasons why but its none of your business. My age is non of your business and neither is my life. I came on here to see if maybe someone had been in my situation, not to get picked on on my character. If i wasn't a strong person, you woman would probably would have made me consider hurting myself. So please let that marinate next time you decide to be rude and not considerate of someone else's feelings or situations, because every situation is different.

Have a nice life.

levioosa · August 2015

Jenn101015 said:

His sister was pretty much the mother roll in his life until 12 then his mom moved him in with them with a bf and her bfs son beat on him as a child. and she just turned her head. So im sorry that she not my fav person its because of how my FI grew up, luckily he has learned from her mistakes and does everything opposite she has down. Yes she is being honored as far as being walked down to her seat, and all the other things that you do at wedding. I do my best myself to call and include her in everything I can.

Maybe you'll get why shes not my fav person now maybe you wont there is more to the reasons why but its none of your business. My age is non of your business and neither is my life. I came on here to see if maybe someone had been in my situation, not to get picked on on my character. If i wasn't a strong person, you woman would probably would have made me consider hurting myself. So please let that marinate next time you decide to be rude and not considerate of someone else's feelings or situations, because every situation is different.

Have a nice life.

Please. This wasn't bullying in the slightest. And none of those details matter. What PPs said still stands. Grow up.

Not involved soon to be mother in law. Gets gift or no?

Re: Not involved soon to be mother in law. Gets gift or no?

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