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(NWR) I Need Help...

Okay my friends. I'm going to get some sort of shit for this from you guys I'm sure... but I need help. Please bear with me while I try to spit this all out. This will be LONG.

H tried to kill himself last night. Why am I on TK and not with him, you ask? Because he doesn't want me in the room. And I think it's my fault.

H has been depressed since he was a teenager and his mom wouldn't buy him anti-depressants even after he was diagnosed because she thought he was making it up for attention because, in her words, he's a middle child and the product of divorce, therefore he seeks attention.  By the time H and I got together, he didn't ant to take them anymore because he didn't want to disappoint his Mom.

This has been a long standing issue with us - I love him and I want him to be happy, but he won't do anything to help himself and I can't force him. It's never been this bad before.

Why do I think it's my fault? H and I have been arguing for the past week about him wanting to take a job that's $1000.00 less per month but we can't afford for him to do it. We need that money to keep our house. If it was an extra $1000.00 per month that we were just putting away for a vacation or something I'd tell him to take the job, but we really can't afford it. We're already having money issues (we're not behind on our payments or anything... we just took on a lot of debt when we bought our house and we need to get out of it, and we're living pay cheque to pay cheque). 

Well last night H gets a photo radar ticket in the mail. This is his 9th one in 6 months. I was like Babe I'm a little mad. You need to watch your speed please. We can't afford to be giving the government $2,500.00 every  months. Well he lays into me about how I speed all the time and never get caught and how this is all my fault. I just put my hand up and was like I really don't want to fight right now. I'm going to have a shower. Feel free to join me. 

I get out of the shower 20 minutes later and hes on the couch looking a little dazed and I was like... what's up. "You'll never have to worry about me or money again." Then I see the bottle. He downed a bottle of pills and chased it with vodka.

We get to the hospital and they tell me he's asking for me. So I go in, he begs me not to tell his mom or my family. I agreed, and then he tells me to get out. That he's too embarrassed  that  he's let it get this bad. He promises to get help, but he wants me out.

I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about this because I promised him I wouldn't. The hospital is keeping him for a couple days on suicide watch, and they've set him up with a psychiatrist. Is that where my part ends? Do I let him do this on his own and just be supportive or do I try to go to every appointment with him and just wait for him to come to me? 

How can I go to bed when he comes home, knowing that I could wake up and he will be just gone? 

I'm at a loss ladies. I just. I can't. 
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Re: (NWR) I Need Help...

  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agreed.  This is not your fault.  Hopefully this will allow your DH to get some help cos you can't do it alone.  I have no advice though, just internet hugs and I'll be thinking of you

  • labrolabro Hotlanta member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is not your fault, period. Don't blame yourself. There are so many resources out there for family members and friends who have been touched by suicide and attempted suicide. I wish I could offer more than just internet hugs and support. <3



  • I am sorry you are having to go through this, and it is definitely not your fault.  I think all you can do for him, right now, is be supportive.  If he wants you there, be there, if he doesn't, then make yourself scarce. 

    But, I also agree that you need to get some counseling for yourself...you need help to realize this isn't your fault, you need help to figure out coping skills, and you need help to learn how you can be of help to him.  Perhaps you can ask his psychiatrist or a hospital social worker for a recommendation of someone you can talk to.
    Married 9.12.15
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  • I'm not sure which province you are in, but I do know that they usually meet with family after a 72 hour hold to discuss the future of the patient. At that time usually individual and family counselling is encouraged to assist the patient in recovery. This is not a short term process. I recommend meeting with your family doctor and working with them to try and set up something to help you cope with living with someone with a mental illness. 

    This is not your fault and there was nothing you could do. However, you are an integral part of your husband's recovery. 
  • NOT your fault. If your H is in the hospital then he's safe right now. Please talk to someone so you can support your husband in the best possible way by supporting yourself first.

    www.afsp.org is a great place to start, as well as the National Alliance on Mental Illness, as noted by a PP

    *hugs*
  • wandajune6wandajune6 Chicago-ish member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This is not your fault. He's incredibly lucky to have you. Last night could have gone very differently if he didn't have someone who loved him paying attention.

    You need to immediately call a help line. They can help you figure out how to handle the situation and make sure that you have what you need.You also need to consider if you want to keep the promise about keeping your mouth shut. While I'm not suggesting that you tell everyone, it's not fair to ask you to handle this alone without the support of your loved ones.

    You need to sit down with him and his therapist to find out how involved you should be. My suspicion is that he'll want to do most of it alone but the therapist will bring you in as needed. That's fine but you'll also need him to agree to keep you involved enough to make you comfortable. It took me a very long time to be able to relax again and not worry after going through something similar (it's also around the same time I started having panic attacks). This is scary stuff.

    (Spoken by someone who went through this with an ex many years ago. Let me know if you want someone to talk to.)
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  • First, I'm so sorry you have to go through this; please don't blame yourself. I agree, you should consider counseling for yourself so you can learn and gather as many tools as possible in coping with life and recovery and all that goes along with this. I think it's important to figure out what role he wants for you to play in the next phase, but your part never ends. As far as when he comes home, you have every right to be worried and nobody should deny you of that; I don't know where you're from, but there are so many resources out there for you. Before he gets released, the doctor should sit down and discuss what happens from here and what avenues and other resources are available to you. Again, I'm really sorry, and I send nothing but hugs and support your way.

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  • Not your fault.  You both need counseling- if he doesn't get it; you still need to get it for yourself.  Lots of hugs to you both.


  • I agree with PP; this is not your fault in any way, and you should reach out to some of the available resources that are out there for exactly this type of situation. Get help for yourself in coping with this and knowing what to do, and then you can be there for your H. 

    I'm so sorry you and your H are going through this. Hugs to you. I wish you both the very best. 
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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I am so so sorry you are going through this. As someone whose brother has struggled with clinical chronic depression for 10+ years I completely understand how you feel.

    This is absolutely not your fault. I agree with PP's that you should be present if he wants you to be and give him space if he wants space. When you do get time with him, let him know that this is not something to be embarrassed about. He is safe while he is in the hospital. In the meantime, please do try to get in with a local counselor. They will be able to give you some practical tools to use moving forward.

    Many hugs to you and your H.

  • It's not your fault at all! Find the mental health help line that @StarMoon44 mentioned.
    I am not thrilled with his mother's actions, but my guess is she was raised in a time when mental health was hush-hush no-no.

    Even if he doesn't want medication, you guys should look into a counselor. For both. Him to deal with his situation and yourself to learn how to deal with his situation.

    Lots of hugs, I know this isn't easy. <3
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Hugs.

    This is NOT your fault.    I assume Canada has a mental health hotline or something similar.  I would call that.  Also look up any support groups for families of depressed loved ones. 









    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • No advice but lots of hugs to you
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    First of all, lots of hugs to you.  And totally not your fault.  You can't control how people respond to stress or actions they choose to take. I'm sure there are people out there more able to help than I am, but here's my advice.

    Bi-polar and depression run in my family... I've seen both sides of it.  I was on the other end of that when I was younger and spent a week in the hospital.  I was so angry and embarrassed that I didn't want any visitors at first. It took about 4 days before I was ready to face anyone I knew. My mom was hospitalized and refused to see my dad for a week... she stayed hospitalized for a month before she was ready to come home. I'd make sure he knows that he has no reason to be embarrassed and that you are there for him, through thick and thin, for better or worse, and you guys will get through this... then if he needs space, let him have it.  But, don't give him too much space for too long.  Don't let him push you away or dwell in his depression. Definitely get counseling for both of you. He needs to realize that depression is often linked to a real, chemical unbalance... counseling will help with that. It's not just in your head or something people make up... it's as real as diabetes. If the main reason he's avoided medication was to not disappoint his mom, well then don't tell her he's on any medication.  My mom doesn't know every medication I take... I'm an adult and she doesn't need to know every detail of my life.  And if he chooses to tell her someday, that's his choice. The first few days are rough, for everyone involved.  He probably feels even more guilty and depressed for putting you through this. As he starts talking to a counselor, he will likely start letting you back in, but it may take a few days. Hang in there.

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  • I'm SO sorry. Everyone else is right. You have 0% blame in this. I'm also extra sorry that he has put you in the position of having to deal with this without the support of your family. Definitely find some professional help for YOU, because you are going to have to keep your emotional strength through some really hard days ahead.
  • Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry that you (and him) are going through this right now. Please don't blame yourself <3
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I don't have anything to add, the ladies above covered it all.  I just wanted to send my support and hugs as well.  
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  • I am so sorry that you and H are going through this. I know H told you not to tell anyone, but is there someone you trust not to blab in your family (not his) that you could tell? And I agree w/PP's, please go to counseling for yourself as soon as possible, you need support right now, too.

    I'm sending hugs and good thoughts to you and H.
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  • I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now.  Like PPs said, please make sure YOU are taken care of, too. Sending lots of hugs and support.

    I'll also say that I feel for you from a personal standpoint as well. FI was recently diagnosed with depression and is afraid to tell his parents because they've always been 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' people. FI actually told his mom this past weekend that he was on pain meds for his knee when she asked why he didn't want a beer with dinner, because he didn't want her to know he was on antidepressants. It's so important to foster an open and nurturing environment instead of telling kids that they're weak for asking for help.

    Again, sending all the positive vibes your way. 

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  • Geez! So sorry to hear this. Definitely seek counseling for yourself. You really need someone neutral who can talk you through your feelings about this.

    He should get counseling too, but you'll know more about what the docs recommend once your H is discharged.

    Did I read in another thread that y'all were considering kids soon? Or was that someone else? I would FOR SURE wait on that for a while.
    *********************************************************************************

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    luckya23KatWAG
  • @Themuffinman16 said it better than I could type, you and your H are in my thoughts. I would really also encourage you to seek out counseling, even if your H is not open to it for himself. I wish I knew more about counseling/psychology in Canada to be of better help to you. 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited August 2015
    I have had chronic depression all my life.  It is a physical illness.  Until the invention of prozac and its cousins, there was no medication that was effective for me.  My son has inherited this illness, which, I inherited from my father.  It is a bit like diabetes.  It can run in families.

    It is not your fault that your husband has depression.  It is likely a medical issue.  It sounds like he will need both medication and therapy, and it will probably take a lot of time for him to recover.
    Would you blame yourself if your husband got cancer?  Of course not!  This is no different.

    Your husband will need the support of loved ones while he recovers.  Medication can work miracles, but it takes time to become effective - like six weeks.  Medication does not work for everyone, so I am praying that your husband is like me, and that medication can help him.

    I am also praying for you.  You need the support of loved ones, too.  You also need counseling to help you understand  your husband's condition, and to help you both work out a new life together.  It will take time.  May God bless you both.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited August 2015
    Okay my friends. I'm going to get some sort of shit for this from you guys I'm sure... but I need help. Please bear with me while I try to spit this all out. This will be LONG.

    H tried to kill himself last night. Why am I on TK and not with him, you ask? Because he doesn't want me in the room. And I think it's my fault.  No, it isn't your fault.

    H has been depressed since he was a teenager and his mom wouldn't buy him anti-depressants even after he was diagnosed because she thought he was making it up for attention because, in her words, he's a middle child and the product of divorce, therefore he seeks attention.  By the time H and I got together, he didn't ant to take them anymore because he didn't want to disappoint his Mom.  Mom is ignorant and in denial.

    This has been a long standing issue with us - I love him and I want him to be happy, but he won't do anything to help himself and I can't force him. It's never been this bad before. Love is not enough. You both need help.

    Why do I think it's my fault? H and I have been arguing for the past week about him wanting to take a job that's $1000.00 less per month but we can't afford for him to do it. We need that money to keep our house. If it was an extra $1000.00 per month that we were just putting away for a vacation or something I'd tell him to take the job, but we really can't afford it. We're already having money issues (we're not behind on our payments or anything... we just took on a lot of debt when we bought our house and we need to get out of it, and we're living pay cheque to pay cheque). 

    Well last night H gets a photo radar ticket in the mail. This is his 9th one in 6 months. I was like Babe I'm a little mad. You need to watch your speed please. We can't afford to be giving the government $2,500.00 every  months. Well he lays into me about how I speed all the time and never get caught and how this is all my fault. I just put my hand up and was like I really don't want to fight right now. I'm going to have a shower. Feel free to join me. He is in denial.

    I get out of the shower 20 minutes later and hes on the couch looking a little dazed and I was like... what's up. "You'll never have to worry about me or money again." Then I see the bottle. He downed a bottle of pills and chased it with vodka.  If he was serious about suicide, he would not have told you what he did.  He obviously wanted you to "save him".

    We get to the hospital and they tell me he's asking for me. So I go in, he begs me not to tell his mom or my family. I agreed, and then he tells me to get out. That he's too embarrassed  that  he's let it get this bad. He promises to get help, but he wants me out.  He doesn't know what he wants right now.  He is not rational.

    I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about this because I promised him I wouldn't.  Bad promise.  Feel free to break it.  Tell a counselor. The hospital is keeping him for a couple days on suicide watch, and they've set him up with a psychiatrist. Is that where my part ends? Do I let him do this on his own and just be supportive or do I try to go to every appointment with him and just wait for him to come to me?  You cannot control what he does.  You can only control what you do.  See a counselor yourself and ask them what to do.

    How can I go to bed when he comes home, knowing that I could wake up and he will be just gone? You are not responsible for his behavior.  You are only responsible for your own.

    I'm at a loss ladies. I just. I can't. Yes, you can.  Do you want to?  Get an appointment with a counselor ASAP!

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  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I am so sorry you have to go through this. I don't have any advice in addition to what the PPs have suggested. But please make sure you and your H both get counseling because at this point, both of you will need it.

    *hugs

  • PPs have covered the important stuff (reaching out for help, etc). 

    All I have to say is that i am very very sorry that you both are experiencing this right now. 

    I agree that him telling you about his actions sounds like a way of asking for help. I experienced a deep deep depression 4 years ago and had a plan to commit suicide. I told someone because I wanted/needed them to help me. Not saying every case is the same, just sharing an experience. 

    Sending positive vibes your way. I agree that counseling could do both of you some good at this point.
  • I just took some time to read all the kind words. Thank you to everyone for your support and kindness.

    The hospital wants to let him go, but I want them to keep him so we will have to see how that plays out.

    We have an appointment on Monday, but if they do release him I'm going to take him to a crisis centre in town because I don't feel he is safe at home.

    As for the suggestion of counselling, H has agreed to go. I am also seeking help. I spoke with my boss last night, a man I trust, and he showed up at the hospital with his wife and dinner for me. They are fantastic people.

    Again, thank you guys so much. I needed to vent yesterday and didn't know how.

    That is a great boss.  So glad you're both getting what you need right now.  Hang in there- sometimes life if a fight.  Thinking of you both.
  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    Everyone covered what I would say, but I'm sending hugs, love, and positive thoughts.


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