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Chit Chat
loveislouder
member
(NWR) I Need Help...
in Chit Chat
Okay my friends. I'm going to get some sort of shit for this from you guys I'm sure... but I need help. Please bear with me while I try to spit this all out. This will be LONG.
H tried to kill himself last night. Why am I on TK and not with him, you ask? Because he doesn't want me in the room. And I think it's my fault.
H has been depressed since he was a teenager and his mom wouldn't buy him anti-depressants even after he was diagnosed because she thought he was making it up for attention because, in her words, he's a middle child and the product of divorce, therefore he seeks attention. By the time H and I got together, he didn't ant to take them anymore because he didn't want to disappoint his Mom.
This has been a long standing issue with us - I love him and I want him to be happy, but he won't do anything to help himself and I can't force him. It's never been this bad before.
Why do I think it's my fault? H and I have been arguing for the past week about him wanting to take a job that's $1000.00 less per month but we can't afford for him to do it. We need that money to keep our house. If it was an extra $1000.00 per month that we were just putting away for a vacation or something I'd tell him to take the job, but we really can't afford it. We're already having money issues (we're not behind on our payments or anything... we just took on a lot of debt when we bought our house and we need to get out of it, and we're living pay cheque to pay cheque).
Well last night H gets a photo radar ticket in the mail. This is his 9th one in 6 months. I was like Babe I'm a little mad. You need to watch your speed please. We can't afford to be giving the government $2,500.00 every months. Well he lays into me about how I speed all the time and never get caught and how this is all my fault. I just put my hand up and was like I really don't want to fight right now. I'm going to have a shower. Feel free to join me.
I get out of the shower 20 minutes later and hes on the couch looking a little dazed and I was like... what's up. "You'll never have to worry about me or money again." Then I see the bottle. He downed a bottle of pills and chased it with vodka.
We get to the hospital and they tell me he's asking for me. So I go in, he begs me not to tell his mom or my family. I agreed, and then he tells me to get out. That he's too embarrassed that he's let it get this bad. He promises to get help, but he wants me out.
I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about this because I promised him I wouldn't. The hospital is keeping him for a couple days on suicide watch, and they've set him up with a psychiatrist. Is that where my part ends? Do I let him do this on his own and just be supportive or do I try to go to every appointment with him and just wait for him to come to me?
How can I go to bed when he comes home, knowing that I could wake up and he will be just gone?
I'm at a loss ladies. I just. I can't.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: (NWR) I Need Help...
Call the National Alliance on Mental Illness Help Line. They can talk through what you can do and what you should do.
www.afsp.org is a great place to start, as well as the National Alliance on Mental Illness, as noted by a PP
*hugs*
You need to immediately call a help line. They can help you figure out how to handle the situation and make sure that you have what you need.You also need to consider if you want to keep the promise about keeping your mouth shut. While I'm not suggesting that you tell everyone, it's not fair to ask you to handle this alone without the support of your loved ones.
You need to sit down with him and his therapist to find out how involved you should be. My suspicion is that he'll want to do most of it alone but the therapist will bring you in as needed. That's fine but you'll also need him to agree to keep you involved enough to make you comfortable. It took me a very long time to be able to relax again and not worry after going through something similar (it's also around the same time I started having panic attacks). This is scary stuff.
(Spoken by someone who went through this with an ex many years ago. Let me know if you want someone to talk to.)
This is absolutely not your fault. I agree with PP's that you should be present if he wants you to be and give him space if he wants space. When you do get time with him, let him know that this is not something to be embarrassed about. He is safe while he is in the hospital. In the meantime, please do try to get in with a local counselor. They will be able to give you some practical tools to use moving forward.
Many hugs to you and your H.
Bi-polar and depression run in my family... I've seen both sides of it. I was on the other end of that when I was younger and spent a week in the hospital. I was so angry and embarrassed that I didn't want any visitors at first. It took about 4 days before I was ready to face anyone I knew. My mom was hospitalized and refused to see my dad for a week... she stayed hospitalized for a month before she was ready to come home. I'd make sure he knows that he has no reason to be embarrassed and that you are there for him, through thick and thin, for better or worse, and you guys will get through this... then if he needs space, let him have it. But, don't give him too much space for too long. Don't let him push you away or dwell in his depression. Definitely get counseling for both of you. He needs to realize that depression is often linked to a real, chemical unbalance... counseling will help with that. It's not just in your head or something people make up... it's as real as diabetes. If the main reason he's avoided medication was to not disappoint his mom, well then don't tell her he's on any medication. My mom doesn't know every medication I take... I'm an adult and she doesn't need to know every detail of my life. And if he chooses to tell her someday, that's his choice. The first few days are rough, for everyone involved. He probably feels even more guilty and depressed for putting you through this. As he starts talking to a counselor, he will likely start letting you back in, but it may take a few days. Hang in there.
He should get counseling too, but you'll know more about what the docs recommend once your H is discharged.
Did I read in another thread that y'all were considering kids soon? Or was that someone else? I would FOR SURE wait on that for a while.
It is not your fault that your husband has depression. It is likely a medical issue. It sounds like he will need both medication and therapy, and it will probably take a lot of time for him to recover.
Would you blame yourself if your husband got cancer? Of course not! This is no different.
Your husband will need the support of loved ones while he recovers. Medication can work miracles, but it takes time to become effective - like six weeks. Medication does not work for everyone, so I am praying that your husband is like me, and that medication can help him.
I am also praying for you. You need the support of loved ones, too. You also need counseling to help you understand your husband's condition, and to help you both work out a new life together. It will take time. May God bless you both.