Personal Attendant

alissakay7 · September 2015

So I'm who's all having a personal attendant. I was planning on having my little brother's girlfriend (will be wife someday). If they were engaged or married I would have had her as a bridesmaid, but since they aren't I planned on personal attendant. Do people have personal attendants anymore? She'd be there to help decorate (we can't decorate until the day of), take care of vendors and be my go to person the day of.

I wanted to ask her in person, but she is in France until early next year (we are getting married September 2016). Sending something is out of the questions because she is always on the move. Would it be cheesy to send an e-mail?

Jen4948 · September 2015

Personal attendant is not a popular thing around this forum. It means "do the work of a wedding coordinator without getting paid for it while not getting to go down the aisle or have the status of a wedding party member." It's not an honor and the posters here will tell you not to treat anyone as your unpaid servant.

If you really want to "honor" someone by asking them to be more than a guest at your wedding, ask them to be in your wedding party as a bridesmaid/man or MOH. You can do that by email (just be straightforward with no cutesy poems).

jacques27 · September 2015

So, basically you want to honor her by making her do unpaid work for your wedding? How is that in any way an honor?

Also, if your relationship with her is that close, there's no reason why she couldn't be a bridesmaid. Her marital status to a member of your family should have nothing to do with whether she's involved in the wedding party (what if she and your brother elope suddenly between now and your wedding - are you going to suddenly ask her to be a bridesmaid?). If you personally are close friends with her, make her a bridesmaid. And if you're not that close with her personally, then "guest" is an honor in and of itself. But don't make her be your wedding slave as a way to "honor" her and your relationship. Invite her to get ready with you if you want. Everything else, shell out some money and hire a day of coordinator. That's what their job is and that's what making people decorate for you and intervene with vendors on your behalf is...a job.

Pupatella · September 2015

alissakay7 said:

So I'm who's all having a personal attendant. I was planning on having my little brother's girlfriend (will be wife someday). If they were engaged or married I would have had her as a bridesmaid, but since they aren't I planned on personal attendant. Do people have personal attendants anymore? She'd be there to help decorate (we can't decorate until the day of), take care of vendors and be my go to person the day of.

I wanted to ask her in person, but she is in France until early next year (we are getting married September 2016). Sending something is out of the questions because she is always on the move. Would it be cheesy to send an e-mail?

So I've never heard of a personal attendant, and I would definitely stay away from having one altogether.

Why not ask her to be one of your bridesmaids? I think that would be a great way to honor her!!

Can you ask her via skype? I think an email would also be okay since she's on the move so much.

AddieCake · September 2015

How much are you paying her for this?

STARMOON44 · September 2015

What you're looking for is a day of coordinator. They are paid and not guests. If you want to recognize that she is important, but don't want her to be a bridesmaid, make sure to include her in photos.

kmmssg · September 2015

What kind of an honor is that? Hey, would you please be my free labor and decorate and be the point person for my vendors and be my gopher when I need something? No, just flat out no. That is what you pay people to do. Wouldn't it be awesome to be the person asked to do those things and feel like you can't say no since it is your boyfriend's sister? How exactly do your brother and this poor girl get to enjoy your wedding day if you are using her as unpaid labor?

avpenguinrn · September 2015

I was personal attendant to one of my friends when she got married five years ago. I was asked because she wanted to "honor" me but didn't want uneven sides and already had her two bridesmaids. It was AWFUL. Like everyone else has said, I was basically unpaid labor for the day- I had to go to her house at 9 am the morning of (wedding wasn't until 4 or something) to take pictures of her and her bridesmaids, cart stuff around and set it up/break it down, do whatever she or anyone in the wedding told me to... It was completely insulting. And then my "designated" spot at the ceremony was way in the back and I was seated at table 27 at the reception so I had to sit and wait to eat. I ended up leaving the reception right after dinner because I was so hurt at how she had treated me. I never said anything to her about it but five years later I still think about it.

This is a very long way of saying don't have your brother's girlfriend be your personal attendant. It's not an honor and it's insulting.

JoanE2012 · September 2015

alissakay7 said:

So I'm who's all having a personal attendant. I was planning on having my little brother's girlfriend (will be wife someday). If they were engaged or married I would have had her as a bridesmaid, but since they aren't I planned on personal attendant. Do people have personal attendants anymore? She'd be there to help decorate (we can't decorate until the day of), take care of vendors and be my go to person the day of.

I wanted to ask her in person, but she is in France until early next year (we are getting married September 2016). Sending something is out of the questions because she is always on the move. Would it be cheesy to send an e-mail?

A personal attendant is not an honor. It's actually quite the opposite - that person is pretty much a slave to you that day. Unpaid labor. Either let her enjoy the day as a guest or be a bridesmaid. There's no requirement that one has to be married or engaged in order to be a bridesmaid/matron of honor - that's a silly reason not to include her as a bridesmaid.

arrrghmatey · September 2015

Don't do this. Personal attendant = coordinator, whom should be paid. Even if you pay her, I'd advise against it. Let her enjoy herself as a guest with her boyfriend.

Just don't do it. It is not an honor,

redoryx · September 2015

alissakay7 said:

So I'm who's all having a personal attendant. I was planning on having my little brother's girlfriend (will be wife someday). If they were engaged or married I would have had her as a bridesmaid, but since they aren't I planned on personal attendant. Do people have personal attendants anymore? She'd be there to help decorate (we can't decorate until the day of), take care of vendors and be my go to person the day of.

I wanted to ask her in person, but she is in France until early next year (we are getting married September 2016). Sending something is out of the questions because she is always on the move. Would it be cheesy to send an e-mail?

Aside from what others have said, I want to know what her marital status in regards to your brother has to do with anything. I mean, you say she'll be his wife someday so what does it matter if they aren't engaged yet? Why does that mean she can't be a bridesmaid? More to the point, if you're still a year out from your wedding that's a lot of time for your brother to propose to her.

If you're close enough to her to say that IF she were engaged/married, you'd ask to be a bridesmaid well, then, you're probably close enough to her to ask her to be a bridesmaid regardless.

spockforprez · September 2015

Is this a real thing that was traditional some time in the past? Or was it manufactured by the producers of the TV show Bridezillas?

I can get my own glass of water on my wedding day, or if I truly can't (getting hair done or something), I am capable of politely asking someone nearby to bring me one, or even just waiting until I can go myself. I don't need a dedicated servant to follow me around.

This is making me think of the Eminem song "Beautiful" lol. "I don't need no fuckin manservant to follow me around and wipe my ass, laugh at every single joke I crack"

I do agree it would be preferable not to have to coordinate vendors on the day of while you're trying to get ready and/or spend time with family. The word coordinate reminds me of something... hmm... maybe coordinator?

Maggie0829 · September 2015

peachy13 · September 2015

Ask her to be a bridesmaid or nothing at all. Personal attendant is a BS role. It's also very ridiculous that just because she's not engaged to your brother, you don't want her to be a bridesmaid.

I would suggest not asking her at all and just let her enjoy being a guest. For what it's worth, my FI's brother got married three years ago when FI and I were boyfriend/girlfriend. I wasn't asked to be in the wedding and it was fine. I wasn't the slightest bit hurt or angry that I wasn't in the wedding. I would have, however, been livid if my FSIL asked me to run around decorating and "taking care of vendors" (wtf does this mean anyway? You want her to hire vendors? Meet them one on one? Sign contracts?).

drunkenwitch · September 2015

Asking someone to be your personal bitch for the day is an insult, not an honor.

aurianna · September 2015

I have never gone to a wedding with a personal attendant where I didn't at some point see the PA looking bored, tired, or unhappy. Also, with very few exceptions, weddings I went to with PAs were generally not as nicely hosted as other weddings I'd been to. Me thinks there may be some correlation there.

If you are close to her, ask her to be a bridesmaid. Sides don't need to be even if that's a concern at all.

Other honors include:
Asking her to do a reading (assuming she doesn't mind public speaking)
If she is Catholic and it's a Catholic wedding, asking her if she'd care to be a presenter of the gifts during the Eucharist.

Or her just being a guest is fine too. It's way better than asking her to be unpaid labor.

Other things you can do:
You're free to ask her if she'd like to get ready with you before the wedding.
You could always treat for her to have her hair or makeup done by your stylist when you and/or your bridal party are getting it done.
You could make sure she is in several of your wedding pictures.
You could give her a corsage that matches the other wedding flowers.
You could simply tell her in a note or in person how great she is and you hope that she's your sister one day.

Definitely some alternatives to being a PA. Stay away from it. It's icky.

MyNameIsNot · September 2015

This woman will someday be your SIL. Why would you ever want to do this to her?

Asking someone to be a personal attendant is well known to be an insult. If you aren't close enough to her to ask her to be a bridesmaid, then just let her be a guest. There is no reason to slap her in the face with something like this.

JediElizabeth · September 2015

aurianna said:
I have never gone to a wedding with a personal attendant where I didn't at some point see the PA looking bored, tired, or unhappy. Also, with very few exceptions, weddings I went to with PAs were generally not as nicely hosted as other weddings I'd been to. Me thinks there may be some correlation there.

If you are close to her, ask her to be a bridesmaid. Sides don't need to be even if that's a concern at all.

Other honors include:
Asking her to do a reading (assuming she doesn't mind public speaking)
If she is Catholic and it's a Catholic wedding, asking her if she'd care to be a presenter of the gifts during the Eucharist.

Or her just being a guest is fine too. It's way better than asking her to be unpaid labor.

Other things you can do:
You're free to ask her if she'd like to get ready with you before the wedding.
You could always treat for her to have her hair or makeup done by your stylist when you and/or your bridal party are getting it done.
You could make sure she is in several of your wedding pictures.
You could give her a corsage that matches the other wedding flowers.
You could simply tell her in a note or in person how great she is and you hope that she's your sister one day.

Definitely some alternatives to being a PA. Stay away from it. It's icky.

I agree with all of this except the "future SIL" part. If your brother hasn't proposed, I wouldn't take it upon myself to bring it up. In my family, at least, it would not be appreciated.

augsum15 · September 2015

My brothers girlfriend was one of my bridesmaids.

You're idea sounds really weird. Unless she voluntarily offered to help you do everything on your wedding day, don't ask her to be your attendant. That sounds awful. Even then, you should assume everyone will flake out on you, and have a back up plan for setting everything up.

aurianna · October 2015

JediElizabeth said:

You could simply tell her in a note or in person how great she is and you hope that she's your sister one day.

Definitely some alternatives to being a PA. Stay away from it. It's icky.

I agree with all of this except the "future SIL" part. If your brother hasn't proposed, I wouldn't take it upon myself to bring it up. In my family, at least, it would not be appreciated.

I suppose you could be right. It would definitely depend on the dynamic of the relationships.

onefootinthebayou · October 2015

Agree with PPs. What you need is a DOC. What you've described is not an honor. Just ask her to be a bridesmaid if you want to honor her. SMH about the engaged or married part.

delujm0 · October 2015

When my SIL got married, I wasn't in the wedding. I had been with my (now) DH for about 6 years at that point, but we weren't engaged yet. I was in no way hurt by this. I had no assignments, though I did follow MIL around most of the day during the prep-work because she was going nuts and I wanted to try to help...DH was in the wedding doing GM pictures anyway, so I had nothing else to do. I also helped MIL pack up the flower arrangements and gifts from the reception, but again, no one asked me to do this, I just did it.

If you are close with this person OUTSIDE of her relationship with your brother (like the two of you go out by yourselves regularly, talk regularly, you'd consider her a close friend even if she broke up with your brother), ask her to be a BM. If not, she can just be a guest.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

I personally would be offended as a guest if you asked me to be a personal attendant to do all of those things. Because from a guest point of view this is how it comes across "I know we don't know each other very well, and your spending a nice chunk of money to come to my wedding along with taking vacation (I'm sure they are coming in for more then the weekend) but would you mind dealing with my vendors, setting up the decorations & dealing with any other small stuff, just out of the goodness of your heart?"

Let her come and enjoy your wedding and spend time with your family as she probably doesn't get to see them very often with living in france. If she volunteers to help with decorations, great. But don't ask her.

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