I need some unbiased advice, because my family is not helping!
My fiancé and I are struggling big time with picking a venue. Here is the backstory:
When my fiancé and I first got engaged we said we wanted a very small wedding (like 10 people). I am a relatively private person, and I couldn't bear to pour my heart and soul out via my vows in front of more than just my immediate family (and even that is pushing it, to be honest...). So then our wedding grew to 10 person ceremony, 25 person reception. Which grew to 25 person ceremony and reception, which grew to 50 person ceremony and reception, which is now at 70 people... We are also torn between two cities, 1.5 hrs apart (Scottsdale vs Sedona). Visiting our first choice venue in Sedona was a total fiasco and tainted the idea of having a big celebration at that resort, but not to worry because we really do love our venue choice in Scottsdale.....but.... it's not in Sedona, and we REALLY want to get married in Sedona....outside, in the Red Rocks, on a cliff....which my sister and mom think is insane and they want us to get married in Scottsdale because it's closer to the airport (all of our guests will be flying in), the resort will go out of their way to make things perfect for us, it really is a beautiful resort...the venue we would use in Sedona was an awful experience and 'why would we want to get married there if they were so rude' yadda yadda yadda. My fiance and I have no time to go back out to Arizona for another Sedona venue trip because everything is booking up so quickly and I am FREAKING OUT now!
So I had a light bulb moment yesterday: maybe my fiance and I should just elope on a Thursday, on a cliff in Sedona and say our personal vows in a spiritual ceremony in spiritual Sedona, like we have wanted all along. Then a little dinner for the two of us at previously mentioned fancy-pants resort that kindof irks us but is just too beautiful to ignore, and we stay the night in a beautiful hotel room. Then we drive down to Scottsdale on Friday, to the resort my Mom and sister want us to have the wedding at, we have our rehearsal dinner with our families and bridal party (my sister and his brother), and then Saturday we have another ceremony, and our cocktail hour and reception and all that fun stuff! We get the private, beautiful ceremony that we have wanted all along, my family gets what they want....
So....am I totally insane?
Do we actually get "married" during the elopement or do we just do it as a sort-of ceremonious, spiritual thing and actually be "married" at the ceremony with all our friends and family? I honestly don't care either way.
Are our parents going to hate this idea? (A question for those who may have taken this path before)
Should we include our parents in the elopement?
Is it going to take away from the special "we're married!" feeling at our Saturday wedding?
Are our guests going to be pissed?
This idea has nothing to do with budgeting, nothing to do with getting insurance, really doesn't have anything to do with actually being married--it's really just the way we want to celebrate our love and our lives together. I should also note that we have been dating for almost 9 years (almost 10 years by the time we have our wedding), we own two houses together (that we bought together), we have two dogs, we renovated a home together (great relationship test right there!), so we pretty much have created a life together and now we just want to celebrate it! We would be planning both "weddings" at the same time, so the big wedding is not an after-thought or a do-over in any way.
Any thoughts? Has anyone done this before?
Re: I need some unbiased advice, because my family is not helping!
If you want a small wedding, and your paying, then have a small wedding.. If your not paying then who ever is paying has a lot to say in how the wedding goes.
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"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
We compromised and did this instead. The day before our wedding, we went climbing. On our way down, we did a simul rappel and stopped half way down. We then read each other our own personal vows we had written each other. It was a really special moment between just the two of us. Bonus - we had our photographer on the ground snapping pics.
After that, we went to our rehearsal and then got married the next day.
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Like ShesSoCOld said, ultimately you have to have the wedding hat you and your FI truly want. I understand the desire to make some concessions to appease your family if you really want them to be a part of your wedding day, which it sounds like you do. But I also want you and your FI to be happy as well! I think climbingwife's experience was a great idea.
Good luck!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
No matter what, the 2 weddings thing is a bad idea. And if the Sedona venue is that horrible, I'd be hesitant to get married there. If you give in and do the Scottsdale wedding, maybe do honeymoon in Sedona. You can still do a second photo shoot there if you want. DH and I got all dressed up again in our wedding attire on our honeymoon and did a beach photo shoot... we got some amazing photos. Or you could do a photo shoot without the wedding attire and still create some amazing honeymoon photos to capture those memories.
And say whatever mushy personal stuff you want to say to each other literally any day. It's never a bad moment to say "I love u honeybunbuns for the way you crinkle your nose."
Vows are not these deeply personal and soul-baring statements. They are your promise to stay with your now-H "through sickness and health, richer and poorer" etc. Most weddings don't have extensive periods of telling each other incredibly personal and romantic statements. I'd be uncomfortable too!!
Ditto @STARMOON44. Say traditional vows and save the super personal stuff for when you're in the bedroom that night. Or take a trip to Sedona afterward and do say your piece then.
And I say go with Scottsdale because it's easier on travelers and they treat you decent.
There are lots of pretty places in the world and you're free to go visit them and create memories there any time your heart desires and pocketbook allows. Honeymoons are fantastic for that sort of thing. Or annual vacations. And if you want to legally marry there and elope by yourselves, then that's totally cool, too, and you should stand up for yourself and do it. But you get one wedding, so you need to prioritize - is having your family there more important or is a pretty backdrop? Either is fine and sometimes you get both in one shot if it's convenient enough. But once you invite people, it ceases to be all about you and that's when you may have to start compromising some of the things in your "vision" to properly host the people you want to be present.
H & I had a Catholic ceremony, so our vows were set in stone with no variations allowed. So we wrote each other a letter that we read in the morning when we woke up on our wedding day. So that is where all our mushy stuff was written and no one else knows what we said. Now, we weren't together the morning of our wedding, so we read the letters alone, but we still saved the mushy stuff for when no one else was around.
I prefer the more traditional vows at a wedding, I don't want to know anything more specific about how much you love each other. We get it, you are getting married! I would hope you both love each other, if you are getting married.
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Super personal, saccharine, vows are uncomfortable to listen to. They make me feel like I'm eavesdropping.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
But, some of my favorite memories of my friends weddings were the sweet, more specific things they said during the ceremony. Especially if I don't know their partner very well, it gives me a small glimpse into the union I'm there to witness, and it makes me happier to celebrate it as well.