Etiquette

I need some unbiased advice, because my family is not helping!

My fiancé and I are struggling big time with picking a venue.  Here is the backstory:

When my fiancé and I first got engaged we said we wanted a very small wedding (like 10 people).  I am a relatively private person, and I couldn't bear to pour my heart and soul out via my vows in front of more than just my immediate family (and even that is pushing it, to be honest...).  So then our wedding grew to 10 person ceremony, 25 person reception.  Which grew to 25 person ceremony and reception, which grew to 50 person ceremony and reception, which is now at 70 people... We are also torn between two cities, 1.5 hrs apart (Scottsdale vs Sedona).  Visiting our first choice venue in Sedona was a total fiasco and tainted the idea of having a big celebration at that resort, but not to worry because we really do love our venue choice in Scottsdale.....but.... it's not in Sedona, and we REALLY want to get married in Sedona....outside, in the Red Rocks, on a cliff....which my sister and mom think is insane and they want us to get married in Scottsdale because it's closer to the airport (all of our guests will be flying in), the resort will go out of their way to make things perfect for us, it really is a beautiful resort...the venue we would use in Sedona was an awful experience and 'why would we want to get married there if they were so rude' yadda yadda yadda.  My fiance and I have no time to go back out to Arizona for another Sedona venue trip because everything is booking up so quickly and I am FREAKING OUT now! 

So I had a light bulb moment yesterday:  maybe my fiance and I should just elope on a Thursday, on a cliff in Sedona and say our personal vows in a spiritual ceremony in spiritual Sedona, like we have wanted all along.  Then a little dinner for the two of us at previously mentioned fancy-pants resort that kindof irks us but is just too beautiful to ignore, and we stay the night in a beautiful hotel room.  Then we drive down to Scottsdale on Friday, to the resort my Mom and sister want us to have the wedding at, we have our rehearsal dinner with our families and bridal party (my sister and his brother), and then Saturday we have another ceremony, and our cocktail hour and reception and all that fun stuff!  We get the private, beautiful ceremony that we have wanted all along, my family gets what they want....

So....am I totally insane?  

Do we actually get "married" during the elopement or do we just do it as a sort-of ceremonious, spiritual thing and actually be "married" at the ceremony with all our friends and family?  I honestly don't care either way.

Are our parents going to hate this idea?  (A question for those who may have taken this path before)

Should we include our parents in the elopement?

Is it going to take away from the special "we're married!" feeling at our Saturday wedding?

Are our guests going to be pissed?

This idea has nothing to do with budgeting, nothing to do with getting insurance, really doesn't have anything to do with actually being married--it's really just the way we want to celebrate our love and our lives together.  I should also note that we have been dating for almost 9 years (almost 10 years by the time we have our wedding), we own two houses together (that we bought together), we have two dogs, we renovated a  home together (great relationship test right there!), so we pretty much have created a life together and now we just want to celebrate it!  We would be planning both "weddings" at the same time, so the big wedding is not an after-thought or a do-over in any way.

Any thoughts?  Has anyone done this before?

«1

Re: I need some unbiased advice, because my family is not helping!

  • I am with PP only do one..

    If you want a small wedding, and your paying, then have a small wedding.. If your not paying then who ever is paying has a lot to say in how the wedding goes.
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  • If you really want a private ceremony and your fiance is on board with it, just elope. Go to the Red Rocks, get married on a cliff like you want and be done with it. It will be special, and romantic, and everything. Everyone else will get over it. They truly will. Even your parents will get over it.

    But if you plan on inviting other people you have to take them into consideration. From your post it means giving up on you preferred ceremony location. You just have to decide what's more important to you and your fiance, having a private moment just between the two of you on a cliff or celebrating this milestone with people who are close to you. Neither choice is wrong, but you can only make one. 
    Anniversary
    PrettyGirlLostSP29InLoveInQueens
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    cmhsn1 said:

    My fiancé and I are struggling big time with picking a venue.  Here is the backstory:

    When my fiancé and I first got engaged we said we wanted a very small wedding (like 10 people).  I am a relatively private person, and I couldn't bear to pour my heart and soul out via my vows in front of more than just my immediate family (and even that is pushing it, to be honest...).  So then our wedding grew to 10 person ceremony, 25 person reception.  Which grew to 25 person ceremony and reception, which grew to 50 person ceremony and reception, which is now at 70 people... We are also torn between two cities, 1.5 hrs apart (Scottsdale vs Sedona).  Visiting our first choice venue in Sedona was a total fiasco and tainted the idea of having a big celebration at that resort, but not to worry because we really do love our venue choice in Scottsdale.....but.... it's not in Sedona, and we REALLY want to get married in Sedona....outside, in the Red Rocks, on a cliff....which my sister and mom think is insane and they want us to get married in Scottsdale because it's closer to the airport (all of our guests will be flying in), the resort will go out of their way to make things perfect for us, it really is a beautiful resort...the venue we would use in Sedona was an awful experience and 'why would we want to get married there if they were so rude' yadda yadda yadda.  My fiance and I have no time to go back out to Arizona for another Sedona venue trip because everything is booking up so quickly and I am FREAKING OUT now! 

    So I had a light bulb moment yesterday:  maybe my fiance and I should just elope on a Thursday, on a cliff in Sedona and say our personal vows in a spiritual ceremony in spiritual Sedona, like we have wanted all along.  Then a little dinner for the two of us at previously mentioned fancy-pants resort that kindof irks us but is just too beautiful to ignore, and we stay the night in a beautiful hotel room.  Then we drive down to Scottsdale on Friday, to the resort my Mom and sister want us to have the wedding at, we have our rehearsal dinner with our families and bridal party (my sister and his brother), and then Saturday we have another ceremony, and our cocktail hour and reception and all that fun stuff!  We get the private, beautiful ceremony that we have wanted all along, my family gets what they want....

    So....am I totally insane?  

    Do we actually get "married" during the elopement or do we just do it as a sort-of ceremonious, spiritual thing and actually be "married" at the ceremony with all our friends and family?  I honestly don't care either way.

    Are our parents going to hate this idea?  (A question for those who may have taken this path before)

    Should we include our parents in the elopement?

    Is it going to take away from the special "we're married!" feeling at our Saturday wedding?

    Are our guests going to be pissed?

    This idea has nothing to do with budgeting, nothing to do with getting insurance, really doesn't have anything to do with actually being married--it's really just the way we want to celebrate our love and our lives together.  I should also note that we have been dating for almost 9 years (almost 10 years by the time we have our wedding), we own two houses together (that we bought together), we have two dogs, we renovated a  home together (great relationship test right there!), so we pretty much have created a life together and now we just want to celebrate it!  We would be planning both "weddings" at the same time, so the big wedding is not an after-thought or a do-over in any way.

    Any thoughts?  Has anyone done this before?

    Do NOT elope first and "get married" with your family later. That is NOT a thing. 

    I suggest you elope and call it a day. If you do not do this, then I think you should go with the resort in Scottsdale. Your family is right that airport convenience is good for your guests. Your family is right that a rude venue experience is, well, rude, but it will spell trouble for your planning. Go with the better venue. 
    70 guests is still an intimate wedding. It's what I had; I was able to talk to every guest at cocktail hour, I did table visits during dinner, and danced with my guests the rest of the night. It's a really good size wedding. If you still want something small, now is the time to put your foot down before things get more out of control. 

    Guests will be pissed if you get married before you re-enact a ceremony for them. See "worst wedding" thread currently high on the Chit Chat board. 
    ________________________________


    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    cmhsn1 said:

    My fiancé and I are struggling big time with picking a venue.  Here is the backstory:

    When my fiancé and I first got engaged we said we wanted a very small wedding (like 10 people).  I am a relatively private person, and I couldn't bear to pour my heart and soul out via my vows in front of more than just my immediate family (and even that is pushing it, to be honest...).  So then our wedding grew to 10 person ceremony, 25 person reception.  Which grew to 25 person ceremony and reception, which grew to 50 person ceremony and reception, which is now at 70 people... We are also torn between two cities, 1.5 hrs apart (Scottsdale vs Sedona).  Visiting our first choice venue in Sedona was a total fiasco and tainted the idea of having a big celebration at that resort, but not to worry because we really do love our venue choice in Scottsdale.....but.... it's not in Sedona, and we REALLY want to get married in Sedona....outside, in the Red Rocks, on a cliff....which my sister and mom think is insane and they want us to get married in Scottsdale because it's closer to the airport (all of our guests will be flying in), the resort will go out of their way to make things perfect for us, it really is a beautiful resort...the venue we would use in Sedona was an awful experience and 'why would we want to get married there if they were so rude' yadda yadda yadda.  My fiance and I have no time to go back out to Arizona for another Sedona venue trip because everything is booking up so quickly and I am FREAKING OUT now!

    It sounds like you are valuing the fantasy and aesthetics of an outdoor wedding in Sedona over the reality of the situation, which is that your dream venue left a shitty taste in your mouth, and logistically it would be difficult for your guests to get to this venue. 

    I agree with your family that I would never choose to pay a ton of money to a venue just because it was pretty if they had treated me like shit during my evaluation visit.

    How far a drive would Sedona be for OOT guests?  Can they fly directly into Sedona?  What time of year are you planning to get married?  What time of day?  Would this be a completely outdoor ceremony?  How hot will it be?  I don't think it sounds fun, romantic, or anything short of hell to stand on a cliff in the desert in the summer to witness a wedding.

    Go to Sedona for your honeymoon if cliffside pics are important to you.  Go thee for a vow renewal on your wedding anniversary.

    So I had a light bulb moment yesterday:  maybe my fiance and I should just elope on a Thursday, on a cliff in Sedona and say our personal vows in a spiritual ceremony in spiritual Sedona, like we have wanted all along.  Then a little dinner for the two of us at previously mentioned fancy-pants resort that kindof irks us but is just too beautiful to ignore, and we stay the night in a beautiful hotel room.  This all sounds like shit you should just do on your honeymoon.  Then we drive down to Scottsdale on Friday, to the resort my Mom and sister want us to have the wedding at, we have our rehearsal dinner with our families and bridal party (my sister and his brother), and then Saturday we have another ceremony, and our cocktail hour and reception and all that fun stuff!  We get the private, beautiful ceremony that we have wanted all along, my family gets what they want....

    So....am I totally insane? 

    Yes.  Do not get pretend married in Sedona and then real married in Scotsdale, that's just stupid.  Go to Sedona for your honeymoon.

    Even worse, do not get legally married in Sedona and then pretend to get married again in Scotsdale, all the while lying to your family about your actual married status.  That's called a Pretty Princess Day, and PPDs are shitty.  Go to Sedona on your honeymoon.

    Do we actually get "married" during the elopement or do we just do it as a sort-of ceremonious, spiritual thing and actually be "married" at the ceremony with all our friends and family?  I honestly don't care either way.

    You very much should care.  You should care enough about your family and friends not to lie to them by pretending NOT to be married, and you should care enough about actually getting married, rather than just pretending to get married because Red Rocks.  The ceremony and spiritual value of getting married is a lot more important than a pretty out door photo op.

    DO NOT actually, legally get married in Sedona then have a fake ceremony and reception in Scotsdale.

    Are our parents going to hate this idea?  (A question for those who may have taken this path before)

    I'm going to guess that yes, and they will be super pissed, as will other guests, to find out that you lied to them and were actually married already when they attended your "wedding" in Scotsdale.

    Should we include our parents in the elopement?

    Is it going to take away from the special "we're married!" feeling at our Saturday wedding?

    If you actually get married in Sedona, then there will not be a special, "we're married" moment in Scotsdale. . .because you aren't getting married in Scotsdale, you will already be married at that point.

    Are our guests going to be pissed?  Yes.  Many will.

    This idea has nothing to do with budgeting, nothing to do with getting insurance, really doesn't have anything to do with actually being married--it's really just the way we want to celebrate our love and our lives together.  I should also note that we have been dating for almost 9 years (almost 10 years by the time we have our wedding), we own two houses together (that we bought together), we have two dogs, we renovated a  home together (great relationship test right there!), so we pretty much have created a life together and now we just want to celebrate it!  We would be planning both "weddings" at the same time, so the big wedding is not an after-thought or a do-over in any way.

    Any thoughts?  Has anyone done this before?  TAKE YOUR HONEYMOON IN SEDONA!  Or have the entire wedding there, with all your guests.  Do not have a PPD in Scotsdale, though.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If you elope, then that ceremony, and not any "celebration" later with family and friends, is your wedding.  Your wedding ceremony can be small or large, but you only get one. 
  • MegEn1 said:
    Can we talk a little bit about how OP wants to invite 10 people to the ceremony and 25 people to the reception? I feel like that's another big no-no. 
    She also said that changed, and then listed the same numbers for both the ceremony and reception, I think we assumed that means someone set her straight on that no no.
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  • Totally agree that our immediate family would be upset if they weren't there to witness the vows and walking down the aisle thing, which is why I said I would think I should include them if we do an "elopement" vs just kindof a spiritual therapy session type thing.  But I think now I'm just leaning towards a spiritual sort of thing, not so much a ceremony.

    I have a professional videographer who would be filming the entire Sedona thing and they said they would play it at the reception so everyone can see, so we absolutely would not be trying to hide that we went off and did something on our own the day before.

    Absolutely read the PPD thread before posting....I thought this scenario was a little different since this bigger ceremony and reception is not an after-thought, and our reasons for getting married in Sedona by ourselves are because our families are incredibly opinionated and overbearing and demanding and want what they want.  And it would only 48 hours past when we had our Sedona thing, and I'm planning them both at the same time...again, no part of this is an "after-thought" wedding. I would also like to make it clear that I couldn't agree more that it's odd that people would go get married at a courthouse and then be like "darn I really wish we had a big wedding" and then go and plan a wedding 6 months or 2 years later and ask for gifts and have an engagement party and bachelorette party...I TOTALLY agree that that is bizarre and I would be annoyed to be invited to that wedding....I didn't even know people would do things like that before I read the PPD thread.....

    While these responses weren't really what I was hoping for, they have actually made me look at my idea in a different light.  Going to Sedona to hike up a cliff and stand on the edge with someone taking photos and videos of me and my fiance, and us just happening to tell each other why we love each other, is not that much different than us going out onto our deck in the backyard right now and telling each other why we love each other.  So I guess I have answered my own question somewhat.....still my only concern would be that my Mom, Dad and sister wouldn't be there, but that's why I'm doing the real ceremony with them, so my Dad can walk me down the aisle, and my sister can be my bridesmaid, and my mom can cry because that's what moms do.   And a marriage license with witnesses' signatues makes you MARRIED, not someone standing in front of us talking about love, right?  

    **OK so I wrote that response and then refreshed the thread and saw the post from @climbingwife ...that is exactly what I started thinking about, and thank you so much for sharing your experience!  My family doesn't want to stand on a cliff with my fiance and I, so why can't we go stand on a cliff and tell each other why we love each other, and then climb down and go to our rehearsal dinner?  Again, I appreciate you sharing your personal experience with this.
    ryanandjoe4
  • Too funny about the "planning on having kids!" thing...a friend shared that same gem with me a few weeks ago :) she said "learn how to say no now....it will start preparing you for kids!"
    InLoveInQueens
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    cmhsn1 said:
    Totally agree that our immediate family would be upset if they weren't there to witness the vows and walking down the aisle thing, which is why I said I would think I should include them if we do an "elopement" vs just kindof a spiritual therapy session type thing.  But I think now I'm just leaning towards a spiritual sort of thing, not so much a ceremony.

    I have a professional videographer who would be filming the entire Sedona thing and they said they would play it at the reception so everyone can see, so we absolutely would not be trying to hide that we went off and did something on our own the day before.

    Absolutely read the PPD thread before posting....I thought this scenario was a little different since this bigger ceremony and reception is not an after-thought, and our reasons for getting married in Sedona by ourselves are because our families are incredibly opinionated and overbearing and demanding and want what they want.  And it would only 48 hours past when we had our Sedona thing, and I'm planning them both at the same time...again, no part of this is an "after-thought" wedding. I would also like to make it clear that I couldn't agree more that it's odd that people would go get married at a courthouse and then be like "darn I really wish we had a big wedding" and then go and plan a wedding 6 months or 2 years later and ask for gifts and have an engagement party and bachelorette party...I TOTALLY agree that that is bizarre and I would be annoyed to be invited to that wedding....I didn't even know people would do things like that before I read the PPD thread.....

    While these responses weren't really what I was hoping for, they have actually made me look at my idea in a different light.  Going to Sedona to hike up a cliff and stand on the edge with someone taking photos and videos of me and my fiance, and us just happening to tell each other why we love each other, is not that much different than us going out onto our deck in the backyard right now and telling each other why we love each other.  So I guess I have answered my own question somewhat.....still my only concern would be that my Mom, Dad and sister wouldn't be there, but that's why I'm doing the real ceremony with them, so my Dad can walk me down the aisle, and my sister can be my bridesmaid, and my mom can cry because that's what moms do.   And a marriage license with witnesses' signatues makes you MARRIED, not someone standing in front of us talking about love, right?  

    **OK so I wrote that response and then refreshed the thread and saw the post from @climbingwife ...that is exactly what I started thinking about, and thank you so much for sharing your experience!  My family doesn't want to stand on a cliff with my fiance and I, so why can't we go stand on a cliff and tell each other why we love each other, and then climb down and go to our rehearsal dinner?  Again, I appreciate you sharing your personal experience with this.
    Good for you OP.  I was afraid you might get defensive with our responses, but you have a great attitude.

    Like ShesSoCOld said, ultimately you have to have the wedding hat you and your FI truly want.  I understand the desire to make some concessions to appease your family if you really want them to be a part of your wedding day, which it sounds like you do.  But I also want you and your FI to be happy as well!  I think climbingwife's experience was a great idea. 

    Good luck!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Honestly, if you and FI want a small intimate wedding with just immediate family, I'd say do that. Push back on the parents and people that are trying to change your vision. Yes, some people may get upset. Just tell them that this is YOUR wedding, you are paying for it (assuming you are...if others are paying, they do get a valid say in the plans), and that you really want to have the wedding you have dreamed about. If they are that upset about it, they don't need to attend. Going this option gives you the wedding YOU want, but there could be potential fallout, so you need to decide on priorities here.

    No matter what, the 2 weddings thing is a bad idea.  And if the Sedona venue is that horrible, I'd be hesitant to get married there. If you give in and do the Scottsdale wedding, maybe do honeymoon in Sedona.  You can still do a second photo shoot there if you want.  DH and I got all dressed up again in our wedding attire on our honeymoon and did a beach photo shoot... we got some amazing photos. Or you could do a photo shoot without the wedding attire and still create some amazing honeymoon photos to capture those memories.

    image 

    SP29MairePoppyInLoveInQueens
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2015
    Duplicate deleted.
  • PP's have almost everything covered, but I did want to touch on you not wanting to give your vows in front of a lot of people.  I felt the same way.  I was super nervous about it since I'm normally a very private person when it comes to deep stuff like that, but when it was actually happening, I really didn't even pay attention to everyone around us, like it was literally a blur the entire ceremony and I really felt connected with my H.  Other people I've talked to have said the same thing.  Good luck with your day :)
    Married 9.12.15
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    princessleia22PupatellaSP29
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    PP's have almost everything covered, but I did want to touch on you not wanting to give your vows in front of a lot of people.  I felt the same way.  I was super nervous about it since I'm normally a very private person when it comes to deep stuff like that, but when it was actually happening, I really didn't even pay attention to everyone around us, like it was literally a blur the entire ceremony and I really felt connected with my H.  Other people I've talked to have said the same thing.  Good luck with your day :)
    I feel the same. I think there is a happy medium to be found. Kind of like @climbingwife, we plan to do our personal mushy things-guests-don't-need-to-hear-about vows privately during our first look. We will then do written/call & response vows during the ceremony... we may use the traditional ones or write our own but they will be more standardized, solemn things rather than "I promise to clean out the litterboxes even if I'm tired so the cats don't piss on your laundry" things. (JUST AN EXAMPLE... not actually gonna say that...) 

    I think that compromise satisfies the desire to make official wedding-day vows about private things without making our guests feel uncomfortable or inserting inappropriate levity into the public ceremony.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    PP's have almost everything covered, but I did want to touch on you not wanting to give your vows in front of a lot of people.  I felt the same way.  I was super nervous about it since I'm normally a very private person when it comes to deep stuff like that, but when it was actually happening, I really didn't even pay attention to everyone around us, like it was literally a blur the entire ceremony and I really felt connected with my H.  Other people I've talked to have said the same thing.  Good luck with your day :)
    I agree with this.  I usually get super nervous speaking in front of large crowds and often verge on panic attacks.  But, on my wedding day, everyone disappeared.  It was just me and DH and nobody else mattered during the ceremony.

    image 

  • To your first paragraph:

    Vows are not these deeply personal and soul-baring statements. They are your promise to stay with your now-H "through sickness and health, richer and poorer" etc. Most weddings don't have extensive periods of telling each other incredibly personal and romantic statements. I'd be uncomfortable too!!

    Ditto @STARMOON44. Say traditional vows and save the super personal stuff for when you're in the bedroom that night. Or take a trip to Sedona afterward and do say your piece then.

    And I say go with Scottsdale because it's easier on travelers and they treat you decent.

    ShesSoColdPrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • The place you get married will be special because it's where you got married.  Whether that be a courthouse in your hometown, a resort in Scottsdale, on a cliff, or in a church.  Your wedding would not be any less special in Scottsdale than anywhere else in the world.

    There are lots of pretty places in the world and you're free to go visit them and create memories there any time your heart desires and pocketbook allows.  Honeymoons are fantastic for that sort of thing.  Or annual vacations.  And if you want to legally marry there and elope by yourselves, then that's totally cool, too, and you should stand up for yourself and do it.  But you get one wedding, so you need to prioritize - is having your family there more important or is a pretty backdrop?  Either is fine and sometimes you get both in one shot if it's convenient enough.  But once you invite people, it ceases to be all about you and that's when you may have to start compromising some of the things in your "vision" to properly host the people you want to be present.
    lerowebSP29
  • Agreed about not having two weddings, or two ceremonies, however you would like to describe it. There is one wedding.

    DH and I took our honeymoon in Arizona (we stayed mainly in Phoenix with a day trip to Scottsdale, an overnight trip to Sedona, and a day trip to the Grand Canyon), so I get it- it's beautiful. Arizona has very fond and special memories for me (we are raring to go back)- because I spent that time there with my husband. Wherever you are married will be special to you. And as said, there are other ways to make things special (sharing some intimate thoughts on a cliff, taking your honeymoon there).

    As for your wedding, I vote you need to decide what is really important to you, and then tell your family to deal with it. If you want a private, or intimate family only wedding in Sedona, then do it. However, I would not pay money to a venue that treated you like crap- find somewhere else, even if it's not a "wedding venue". If Sedona is very special to you, or a private or intimate ceremony is what you desire, it is FINE to prioritize that over having a larger wedding that caters to your family- but you need to make a decision and own it. However, if you are going to invite guests to your wedding, then your priorities will need to change slightly, in that you need to consider the comfort and respect of your guests. 

    I'm pretty sure you can't fly right into Sedona. I assume all would fly into Phoenix then drive to Sedona (1.5-2 hours right?). Myself? If my friends were getting married in Sedona, I'd be all over it, plane ride plus 2 hour drive and all. But not everyone shares that view, so I would consider your VIPs and their ability to travel. 


  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Agree with PP on one wedding, one ceremony. 

    It really sounds like this big(ish) wedding is not what you two want and that you've been pressured into it. I would use this as an opportunity to assert yourselves as a couple and do what you want. If you really only want to invite those 10 people you originally started with, stick to your guns and only invite them. You don't have to allow your guest list to balloon from 10 to 70 because someone else wants it to. 
    SP29
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't really get the concept that marriage vows are an intimate baring of your soul. If you're uncomfortable sharing super personal vows, just stick with for better or worse . . . Till death do us part. And say whatever mushy personal stuff you want to say to each other literally any day. It's never a bad moment to say "I love u honeybunbuns for the way you crinkle your nose."
    I agree with this.  I just have never understood how people think that vows are so incredibly intimate.  Typically when they think this they are thinking about lovey dovey poems or "I love you because you rub my feet" or other crap that aren't vows.  I mean you can say all that mushy crap any time you want, I don't see why you need to have a special moment some place to do it.

    thisismynickname2STARMOON44lnixon8
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    H & I had a Catholic ceremony, so our vows were set in stone with no variations allowed.  So we wrote each other a letter that we read in the morning when we woke up on our wedding day.  So that is where all our mushy stuff was written and no one else knows what we said.  Now, we weren't together the morning of our wedding, so we read the letters alone, but we still saved the mushy stuff for when no one else was around.

    I prefer the more traditional vows at a wedding, I don't want to know anything more specific about how much you love each other.  We get it, you are getting married!  I would hope you both love each other, if you are getting married.

    PrettyGirlLostthisismynickname2leroweb
  • H & I had a Catholic ceremony, so our vows were set in stone with no variations allowed.  So we wrote each other a letter that we read in the morning when we woke up on our wedding day.  So that is where all our mushy stuff was written and no one else knows what we said.  Now, we weren't together the morning of our wedding, so we read the letters alone, but we still saved the mushy stuff for when no one else was around.

    I prefer the more traditional vows at a wedding, I don't want to know anything more specific about how much you love each other.  We get it, you are getting married!  I would hope you both love each other, if you are getting married.

    this is exactly what we are doing, we had 3 options for vows.. nothing different just the traditional vows.
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  • FWIW, I don't want to hear the innermost thoughts of the B&G's souls.   When spoken, they just sound contrived with the DIY wedding vows.   
    PrettyGirlLostShesSoColdOliveOilsMomspockforprez
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    H & I had a Catholic ceremony, so our vows were set in stone with no variations allowed.  So we wrote each other a letter that we read in the morning when we woke up on our wedding day.  So that is where all our mushy stuff was written and no one else knows what we said.  Now, we weren't together the morning of our wedding, so we read the letters alone, but we still saved the mushy stuff for when no one else was around.

    I prefer the more traditional vows at a wedding, I don't want to know anything more specific about how much you love each other.  We get it, you are getting married!  I would hope you both love each other, if you are getting married.

    Yes!

    Super personal, saccharine, vows are uncomfortable to listen to.  They make me feel like I'm eavesdropping.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • H & I had a Catholic ceremony, so our vows were set in stone with no variations allowed.  So we wrote each other a letter that we read in the morning when we woke up on our wedding day.  So that is where all our mushy stuff was written and no one else knows what we said.  Now, we weren't together the morning of our wedding, so we read the letters alone, but we still saved the mushy stuff for when no one else was around.

    I prefer the more traditional vows at a wedding, I don't want to know anything more specific about how much you love each other.  We get it, you are getting married!  I would hope you both love each other, if you are getting married.

    Yes!

    Super personal, saccharine, vows are uncomfortable to listen to.  They make me feel like I'm eavesdropping.
    Looks like this is an UO, but personalized vows are actually one of my favorite things about a wedding. Sure, I'll cringe if they are overly saccharine or unrealistic - "I promise I will make you coffee every morning," ugh, you're going to break that vow TOMORROW when you're in a hotel and you don't have a coffee maker.

    But, some of my favorite memories of my friends weddings were the sweet, more specific things they said during the ceremony. Especially if I don't know their partner very well, it gives me a small glimpse into the union I'm there to witness, and it makes me happier to celebrate it as well.
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