NWR: Baby Related, Looking for Some Insight and Advice

ohmrs2014 · September 2015

I would post on TB, but I'm not on that community that often and I'm more familiar with everyone here.

So I am due on Thanksgiving Day, yay! DH and I are beyond thrilled and though we hit some financial bumps over the summer, we are finally in a good place again.

My issue revolves around the idea of people, mainly his parents, wanting to wait in the waiting room during the duration of my labor, even though they fully understand that they will not be allowed into my room or even in right after I give birth, that they will wait even longer to see the baby.

In my head, and I had expressed this to DH from the beginning that I wanted it to be just us in the delivery room and have my sister there as a backup in case he needed a break or if she was the one who drove me to the hospital (she plans on staying over beginning the week before my due date since we get out of work at the same time and DH works in NYC, I won't be home alone for those few hours that I could potentially go into labor and need to get to the hospital.

My parents don't believe in waiting in the waiting room. All they want is a phone call when I've been admitted and a phone call when the birth is over with all of measurements and such so my dad can play the lottery LOL. Then they will come up either later in the day (depending on the time) or the next day to visit.

His parents on the other hand want to wait the whole time and his mom and sister were so upset and thought I was shutting them out when I said I didn't want anyone there. It turned into a huge mess that led to me apologizing, not for wanting it to be just us, but because I will admit, I did become abrasive but I felt backed into a corner because the conversation took place at a BBQ in their backyard where others who were not pertinent to the conversation were there.

DH wants his parents to have the option but also feels torn on what I want and not upsetting his parents. I told him I would try to come around to the idea, but not to mention anything until we had discussed a final plan. Yea, that didn't happen. He talked to his mom about it and she said they don't mind the waiting and not coming in right away, that they just want to be there in case he needs anything (and in my head, I'm just like, well he's not leaving my room or side so you won't even see him). Then she goes on about how he can text her updates or call and then keep them abreast of how far dilated I am. Umm, no sorry, thats personal and going too far.

DH just started a new job and is stressed from that so I haven't really brought it up again. But the closer it gets, the more anxious I become about the situation, to the point where I am considering hiring a doula to help where she can be the bad guy and tell them to go home, that its causing me too much stress. Even the hospital I am delivering at is against people waiting in the waiting room because they say it causes unnecessary pressure and anxiety for the mom to be.

I do suffer from anxiety and I have always had a pretty good handle on it where I have never needed medication, but this pregnancy has made it worse and handling it right now with this topic and other things is not going so well. I am going to talk to my doctor next week at my next appointment about what we can do about this. I'm hoping since I'm borderline high risk (my blood pressure has been slightly elevated since about week 20 and how I see a high risk specialist so that he can keep an eye on it as well) that I might be able to use this as an excuse to just ease some of my anxiety about delivering knowing that there will be people waiting.

What would you ladies do? How would you ladies handle this? Should I just suck it up and let them wait and should I keep pushing for what I want since I'm the one pushing out this child and my needs and wants should trump everyone else's? I'm just at a loss right now.

thefanciestbeckler · September 2015

Ok, I've never had a baby before, but for what its worth I think they should not be pushing this on you. I totally understand that everyone's family dynamics are different and they may be a little taken aback by your preference to have nobody there, but they really should respect it.

YOU are the one having a baby. Giving birth takes a huge toll on your body and the delivery process puts your health and your baby's health at risk. If having people there is going to stress you out, everybody should respect your wishes. I'm sure they have good intentions, but you have a right to want something different!

kkitkat79 · September 2015

I think the wants and desires of people who are not having the baby are absolutely irrelevant. Your labor, your choice. Everyone else will just have to get over it.

Congratulations!

luckya23 · September 2015

No way your DH will be able to just ignore their presence. He will want to pop out to update or maybe even feel responsible to entertain them.

MairePoppy · September 2015

Well, I think your well being trumps your MILs need to know the details and be present in the waiting room the entire time (which could be hours and hours). I suppose MIL is being insistant, since your sister will be there, at least part of the time. But since the baby's coming out of your hoohoo, I think you get to decide who is present. If your husband needs outside support, other than your doctor and the nurses, he may step out and call his mom for a pep talk over the phone. But really, I think he will be much too busy for that.

Going back decades, for me, my parents and his mother and all the immediate family members lived minutes from the hospital where my children were born. None of them came to the hospital to wait. Thank God. They waited comfortably in their own homes for the phone call from my husband that the grandchildren were born, whether they were boys or girls, weight and everyone was healthy. They did rush to the hospital after the births, but what are you going to do about that? They were excited to welcome their new grandbabies.

If you can't talk sense to your ILs, just don't tell them when you've gone into labor. Your husband can call them to tell them to give them the good news.

AprilH81 · September 2015

Your body = your choice.

That being said, why does having them in the waiting room stress you out? (No snark intended, honest question) The waiting room is not visible from the rooms (from every hospital I've been in) and the staff won't let anyone just wander the halls looking for someone. You would have complete privacy (well, as much as you can expect while giving birth) and it would make your ILs happy to wait in the waiting room.

If you don't want them waiting can you present a plan to them of when it is okay to come visit? I think that might help calm them down if they know what to expect. Tell them that you know they are excited to meet the baby but you want at least "X" hours after the birth to get some rest and start the recovery process.

Is this their first grandchild? That might explain why they are pushing so hard.

When (if) we have kids I want my mom in the delivery room with DH. My sister, Dad, MIL, FIL and whoever else can wait in the waiting room or at home until after the fact. I waited in the waiting room for my sister's kids and got to go back and meet them as soon as she was cleaned up. We didn't stay long but it was nice to meet the babies and then go home and wait for a more appropriate time to get some baby snuggles in.

ohmrs2014 · September 2015

It's the first grandchild on both sides, but my parents have no want or need to wait at the hospital.

I actually mentioned to them that I didn't plan on calling anyone until the birth was over and MIL flipped out. I know if they are there waiting, DH will feel the need to constantly chat with them. I know DH will need to telecommute when necessary and I'm fine with that because he will still be with me in the room.

His mom is already making alternative plans for Thanksgiving in case I do go into labor on my due date and that in itself gets me upset. What, are you going to bring Thanksgiving dinner to the hospital and expect your son to leave my side so you can enjoy the holiday with your family? Umm, I think not.

@AprilH81, it stresses me out just knowing that people are waiting and its already giving me anxiety knowing that. I feel like I would have some sort of pressure to hurriedly pop out this child just so that they can go home.

I know that they will be calling and texting him and wanting to see him if they are waiting in the waiting room. At least if they are home, he can control when he calls them back or he won't have to rush out there to see them.

I had all intentions of telling everyone when they could visit, so they do fully understand that they are not allowed near me or the baby until I'm ready.

My sister will only be there in case she's the one who needs to drive. She works retail and Thanksgiving is the beginning of the season where she can't take off from work and her hours become all crazy. They understand that she might need to drive me and spend a few hours with me until DH arrives, but in terms of taking off from work, she can't.

I actually just interviewed a doula over the phone and I explained all of this to her and she said that anxiety can cause labor to be prolonged and can cause me to not become dilated. I never knew that.

labro · September 2015

So, you can't really ban them from the waiting room. But what you can do is not tell them when you're in labor.

Honestly, my feelings would have been REALLY hurt if my sister and BIL hadn't chosen to tell us her water had broken and they were on their way to the hospital...and when her labor ended in an emergency c-section I was glad that we were all informed of what was going on. However, that's OUR family dynamic/relationship and something she was comfortable with. We all live close by and wanted to be there to support her, even from the distance of a waiting room. She and her H took plenty of time in recovery and afterwards to have some skin to skin time with the baby, attempt breastfeeding, all that, before we were told where the room was and were allowed to come in for a short visit.

With all that said - in the end this was all her choice and her decision. She initially said nobody could even come see her while she was in labor and delivery but got bored and her H brought me, my mom, and his mom in one by one for a little visit and support (this was all before the emergency c-section). For you, you AND your H need to be willing to stand up for what you want and your family/his family should respect that. I know a lot of people who have just gone the route of not saying anything until after the baby is born to avoid over-anxious family and/or people trying to barge in.

ohmrs2014 · September 2015

@labro I am completely fine with telling people I'm in labor. I've grown to that idea. But I know my MIL and she will do whatever she can to keep calling for him to come outside and get constant updates. And the persistent calling and such will give me anxiety, it already does now because she calls me or him about 3 times a day to see how I am doing. It drives me insane. My own parents don't call me that much.

After my baby shower, she said something to DH about a push present and DH explained that it was something if he chose, that he would get me to symbolize the start of our growing family and when she told me the conversation, she became a little upset and said she was tired of "following" the rules, though I'm unsure of what she meant.

labro · September 2015

@ohmrs2014 You're only nearly 32 weeks now....just wait til you hit the 37/38 week mark. My sister was getting passive-aggressive notes on fb from distant in-laws, daily texts asking if the baby was here yet, etc. So yeah, just get ready, and maybe hopefully you can find some additional support in your OB, your H, and maybe a counselor (for the anxiety). And that ramped up even more when she went past her due date. Now is probably the best time for your H (not you) to start pushing some boundaries on his mom, because the constant calling and checking in is going to only get worse (and probably not better after baby arrives). As far as when you go into l&d, at the very least your H can call/text the people who need to know, and then proceed to turn off his phone for the duration and his mom will just have to deal. I know from the other side just how agonizing it is to wait and not know, but again, your labor/birth experience, your choice. And just because you make this decision now, doesn't mean you can't be flexible later if you do decide you want to keep people in the loop.

I don't get the whole "follow the rules"/push present convo either? What rules?

STARMOON44 · September 2015

It sounds like the problem is that you don't trust your husband to respect your wishes and not text. Would it work for you to say sure, your family can be in the waiting room, but I want your cellphone on silent put away in a bag the whole time?

I'm also on team tell them they can't be in the waiting room because it stresses you out, and that if they can't respect that you just won't call at all.

sarahufl · September 2015

I am with you on this one. Not only do I not like the idea of my ILs being in the hospital, I also despise pushiness. This is your decision and they really need to support it. My sister is probably the only person (besides H) that I want anywhere near me in the delivery room and the idea of his family sitting in the waiting room makes me really anxious.

To be honest, this is the reason that our families don't know I am pregnant yet, because I don't want to hear their thoughts or have to defend whatever decision I am making at the time.

I think your H needs to be stern with them and leave you out of it- I would just get too emotional and say something really rude and I would prefer H do it because he is more level-headed (and less hormonal).

MairePoppy · September 2015

What is a push present?

sarahufl · September 2015

MairePoppy said:

What is a push present?

I find them absurd, but it is a gift from the father for the mother after birth. Often jewerly. Although I don't understand the context the OP is refering to.

ohmrs2014 · September 2015

I wish DH could turn off his phone, but essentially with the new job, he will need to be connected, which means his laptop and phone will be with him for clients and the job to get him if they need too, though he will be able to take a few days off.

A push present is essentially a gift from the spouse to mark the occasion of giving birth. We have talked about what I would want and I think its fairly simple. I'm a huge Alex and Ani bracelet fan and I would love to have her birthstone added to my collection.

And my telling them and my parents that I didn't want anyone over for the first week so when we get home didn't go over to well either. My parents once again, understood that I want that time to bond with my family and try to fall into a routine and parent without any outside interruption or help but MIL and SIL were once again so offended. I just don't get it.

ohmrs2014 · September 2015

@Starmoon44 I completely trust that he would respect my wishes. But I also know that if he ignores their calls or texts, it will become very passive aggressive on their part with texts and voicemails being left about how their feelings are hurt and such. She will make it about her.

ohmrs2014 · September 2015

sarahufl said:

show previous quotes

MairePoppy said:

What is a push present?

I find them absurd, but it is a gift from the father for the mother after birth. Often jewerly. Although I don't understand the context the OP is refering to.

I think MIL is referring to the idea that DH will get me a gift since "that's how it works, thats the rule" and now that I think about it, referring to my post just now, regarding the little "rule" that I would like no visitors for the first week. I think she is tired of the "rules" that I am putting into place with my family and child.

MairePoppy · September 2015

So, the push present is between you and your husband and has nothing to do with your MIL. Disregard whatever she said.

Will the grandparents be able to see the baby in the hospital before you go home? I think it would be really harsh to say they can't see the baby at all for the first week. But of course, you're the parents and you get to decide.

monkeysip · September 2015

I had this struggle with my in-laws. I gave birth in a birthing center with a very small waiting room--and the room is in close proximity to the birthing room. I didn't want them there AT ALL. I knew that would've stressed me out even more. I ended up having a very difficult birth, and I'm SO GLAD they weren't there. I didn't even really want to see them the next day, but I did.

If you don't want them there, you might have to not even tell them you're in labor. They might be pissed, but whatever you have to do to feel better.

Your baby, your labor, YOUR DECISION. They have to learn to respect that.

Weesh · September 2015

I don't think you should have to suck it up in any way or let them wait. I think this will definitely set the tone when it comes to your child and there needs to be boundaries regarding what you feel comfortable with. I would also feel really uncomfortable with anyone waiting in the waiting room, and especially when no one really knows how labor will go. You could have the baby quickly, or be in labor for several hours. This also seems like something that could go on as your baby gets older. Are they going to respect your wishes regarding how you parent?

I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant and I'm fortunate that my MIL and SIL live in South Carolina. We have told them that we will let them know when I'm in labor (my MIL is religious and would like to be able to pray for a safe and healthy delivery) and we will let them know when the baby is born. My husband, my mom, and my doula will be in the room with me. My husband will be the primary coach with my mom there for moral support, and the doula there to help me and help my husband if he needs a break. I'm expecting that my mom will be there as much as she can, but I also know that it will be difficult for her to see me in pain. We hired our doula after taking childbirth classes with her, and I'm glad that we did because I also experience anxiety and she has also told us that anxiety can slow down labor or possibly cause it to stall. I'm glad that she told you that, and I think it's important for you to feel as comfortable as you can. If you think they will be there texting and calling your husband, it will make you feel even more anxious. I think having a doula might really help you.

I also think your husband should talk to them and make it clear that it's a decision you've made as a couple, and you will let them know when they can come and see the baby, but that waiting in the waiting room is not something you are comfortable with. It seems like they are taking it personally as if you are trying to not include them but it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with doing what makes you feel comfortable as someone who has just given birth and not only has to worry about your baby, but your own rest and recovery.

Something else to consider is to enlist the help of the nurses. At my hospital, I had to give a list of people who were allowed in while I was in labor, and that list couldn't change throughout labor. So my mom, my husband, and my doula are the only ones allowed there until a long time after the baby is born. What happens if you're laboring in the middle of the night? They can't sit there the whole time.

ohmrs2014 · September 2015

MairePoppy said:

So, the push present is between you and your husband and has nothing to do with your MIL. Disregard whatever she said.

Will the grandparents be able to see the baby in the hospital before you go home? I think it would be really harsh to say they can't see the baby at all for the first week. But of course, you're the parents and you get to decide.

___________________BOXES BOXES BOXES__________________
Of course the grandparents would be allowed to visit in the hospital. I would never deny them that. But for that first week, I would like to use that as time for us to bond as a family and take care of our little one on our own without worrying who is going to be dropping by. I do know that my mom will be there at least one day and my MIL can freak out all she wants, but my mom is the one who is going to be watching the little one when I return to work so I want my mom there when we go to the first pediatrician appointment so that she can meet the doctor in case she ever needs to bring the baby.

Edited to add boxes.

MairePoppy · September 2015

That seems reasonable, ohmrs2014.

Visitors can be tiring those first few weeks. As long as the grandparents get to see the little one in the hospital and see that everything is ok, they should just chill.

STARMOON44 · September 2015

I think it's completely unreasonable to have your mom there a whole day and not even let them visit. I'm sorry I just do. You will be plenty able to bond with and take care of the baby without completely excluding them, and taking that harsh a line now probably is very upsetting to them. Your mom doesn't need to come meet the doctor at all, and that just sounds like an excuse to cover up that you just don't really like them.

STARMOON44 · September 2015

ohmrs2014 said:
@Starmoon44 I completely trust that he would respect my wishes. But I also know that if he ignores their calls or texts, it will become very passive aggressive on their part with texts and voicemails being left about how their feelings are hurt and such. She will make it about her.

So? Delete the voicemails without listening to them and just block her number. And tell her now that is the plan. She can be wherever she likes, but no one will be communicating with her unless you two decide to reach out.

MairePoppy · September 2015

@STARMOON44 - IDK. It depends on the ILs. If they are being pushy, I can see why ohmrs wouldn't roll out the welcome mat for them.

ohmrs2014 · September 2015

STARMOON44 said:

I think it's completely unreasonable to have your mom there a whole day and not even let them visit. I'm sorry I just do. You will be plenty able to bond with and take care of the baby without completely excluding them, and taking that harsh a line now probably is very upsetting to them. Your mom doesn't need to come meet the doctor at all, and that just sounds like an excuse to cover up that you just don't really like them.

I never said my mother would be there the whole day, just to accompany to the first doctor's visit. And I do think its important my mother meet the pediatrician since she will be the primary care taker when I return to work and would be bringing the baby if she's sick or needs her shots. My mom will essentially have more interaction with the doctor than I will so meeting her, yes thats important. It was actually DH's idea to have her there with us at that first appointment, whereas I was going to schedule another meet and greet with the doctor before the baby came so that my mom could meet her.

And I never said I didn't like my ILs. I am actually quite fond of them. But yes, they are stressing me out with their "demands" if you call can call them that and their hurt feelings about how they aren't respecting my wishes during my labor and delivery. Aside from this issue, we actually have a very good relationship. Can they be overbearing at times, yes, but my parents can be too, but my parents also do things differently and have realized that I have grown up and they are respecting mine and my husbands needs and wants whereas right now his mom is making it all about her and her feelings.

STARMOON44 · September 2015

ohmrs2014 said:
show previous quotes

STARMOON44 said:

I think it's completely unreasonable to have your mom there a whole day and not even let them visit. I'm sorry I just do. You will be plenty able to bond with and take care of the baby without completely excluding them, and taking that harsh a line now probably is very upsetting to them. Your mom doesn't need to come meet the doctor at all, and that just sounds like an excuse to cover up that you just don't really like them.

I never said my mother would be there the whole day, just to accompany to the first doctor's visit. And I do think its important my mother meet the pediatrician since she will be the primary care taker when I return to work and would be bringing the baby if she's sick or needs her shots. My mom will essentially have more interaction with the doctor than I will so meeting her, yes thats important. It was actually DH's idea to have her there with us at that first appointment, whereas I was going to schedule another meet and greet with the doctor before the baby came so that my mom could meet her.

And I never said I didn't like my ILs. I am actually quite fond of them. But yes, they are stressing me out with their "demands" if you call can call them that and their hurt feelings about how they aren't respecting my wishes during my labor and delivery. Aside from this issue, we actually have a very good relationship. Can they be overbearing at times, yes, but my parents can be too, but my parents also do things differently and have realized that I have grown up and they are respecting mine and my husbands needs and wants whereas right now his mom is making it all about her and her feelings.

If you like them, let them visit during the first week. Doesn't have to be all day, doesn't have to be for a meal, your husband can kick them out whenever. I just barring them entirely is unnecessarily hurtful.

ohmrs2014 · September 2015

@Starmoon44 I just think we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one

I don't think its hurtful. I think its more of I want us to settle in as a family, with whatever days DH will have off, which we don't know how many days he will be able to take off right now. Won't know until it happens. I'm hoping he gets a few days off when we get home from the hospital, but we aren't too sure yet.

I want time to settle into my role as mother, learning the cues with no help. I know both of our parents and I know that the moment baby starts crying, I won't be allowed to do anything because both moms will rush to grab the baby and thats not what I want and I know with both of them, telling them to let me handle won't work. So I figured if I can have the first week or so by myself and hopefully with DH, we can enjoy some quiet time and falling into a routine before all of the craziness with visitors start.

AprilH81 · September 2015

ohmrs2014 said:

@Starmoon44 I just think we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one

I don't think its hurtful. I think its more of I want us to settle in as a family, with whatever days DH will have off, which we don't know how many days he will be able to take off right now. Won't know until it happens. I'm hoping he gets a few days off when we get home from the hospital, but we aren't too sure yet.

I want time to settle into my role as mother, learning the cues with no help. I know both of our parents and I know that the moment baby starts crying, I won't be allowed to do anything because both moms will rush to grab the baby and thats not what I want and I know with both of them, telling them to let me handle won't work. So I figured if I can have the first week or so by myself and hopefully with DH, we can enjoy some quiet time and falling into a routine before all of the craziness with visitors start.

Obviously this decision is up to you and your husband, but I do think that you are overthinking the whole decision about when and how long you will want visitors. Waiting one week will not stop the grandparents from rushing to pick up a crying baby. If that is their instinct then that is what they will do no matter old the baby is. That is when you/DH need to step in and tell them no. You can also pick up the baby and go to your bedroom and lock the door if you need privacy to feed the baby or need to put the baby down. You are not obligated to "entertain" them if they come visit. Maybe you and your husband can come up with a code word or signal that means "get the visitors out of the house NOW". Every family dynamic is different, but I can't imagine putting such strict limitations on visits from immediate family members.

monkeysip · October 2015

It's totally your decision, but thinking more about your desire to keep them away for a week, I just wanted to throw out there that you might want to keep your options open.

Originally, I didn't really want family there for several days, and I wanted to be able to take care of the baby exclusively to bond with her. BUT after she was born, I was physically a wreck. I could barely walk or hold my daughter. And I was emotionally a wreck too, so there were many times even on the first couple days that I wished we had more help to take care of the baby. My husband was overwhelmed doing pretty much EVERYTHING. I didn't change my first diaper until DD was a week. I was in bad shape.

Of course I hope you do a lot better, and I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just saying that like with MOST things related to pregnancy, birth, and children, what we THINK we'll want is not always what we end up wanting in the circumstances. So keep the in-laws within certain boundaries, but be open to the fact that you MAY end up welcoming their company and help, even with caring for the baby.

Either way, congrats and wishing you the best with everything!

ohmrs2014 · October 2015

I completely agree that I can't predict what will happen after the birth and I that I might need some help, especially if DH has to go right back to work. DH is on board with the plan, but we both know if we need help, we are calling our parents.

Sometimes I feel its easier to set stricter boundaries at first and then ease up on them if we need to. But thats just me and my personality.

I do appreciate everyones opinion!

I love when we can have discussions and not get all butt hurt when we don't see replies we want.

Thanks ladies!

NWR: Baby Related, Looking for Some Insight and Advice

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