Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
More and more are becoming stricter. Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies. They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM. I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.
Birthing can just be a rough process. They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours. Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all. But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.
If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door.
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism. And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion. I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby. It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work. So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
Your mother gets to see the baby. His mother does not. Your mother is being favored with seeing the baby. It's really very simple, and I find your refusal to acknowledge it very disturbing honestly. It will be difficult to handle his parents if you won't acknowledge reality.
Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
More and more are becoming stricter. Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies. They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM. I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.
Birthing can just be a rough process. They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours. Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all. But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.
If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door.
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism. And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion. I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby. It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work. So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
No one is suggesting that it doesn't make sense for your mother to go to the doctor's appointment with you, or that you must have MIL there too if your mother goes. But because you've made the (frankly extreme and highly unusual) decision to ban visitors the first week, the end result of your mother attending the doctor appointment is that she gets to spend time with her grandchild during her first week of life, while MIL doesn't, which will likely make her feel shut out. This is exactly the kind of unintentional favoritism that I suggested you be sensitive to.
I think it's completely unreasonable to have your mom there a whole day and not even let them visit. I'm sorry I just do. You will be plenty able to bond with and take care of the baby without completely excluding them, and taking that harsh a line now probably is very upsetting to them. Your mom doesn't need to come meet the doctor at all, and that just sounds like an excuse to cover up that you just don't really like them.
FWIW, I haven't finished reading this thread yet and I am late to the party. But I agree with @Starmoon44.
This is your first kid and I get that it is scary and overwhelming. But you will be shocked how quickly you will want someone to take the baby for an hour so you can shower and eat a meal. Don't alienate the people who are trying to help. If they rush in to try and take the baby when it cries, learn to stand your ground and say no.
As for the ILs in the waiting room, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. If you are going to tell them you are in labor, what is the difference between waiting at home and waiting down the hall? They are still waiting and they will still be calling and texting. I think its completely unfair that your sister can be involved but his family cant. It is his baby also.
Keep in mind that labor and delivery is nothing like you see in the movies. It is a long, slow process. Especially for your first. Often times the mother will sleep for several hours. Does your H really have to be by your side while you are sleeping or watching TV?
Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
More and more are becoming stricter. Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies. They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM. I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.
Birthing can just be a rough process. They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours. Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all. But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.
If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door.
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism. And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion. I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby. It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work. So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
No one is suggesting that it doesn't make sense for your mother to go to the doctor's appointment with you, or that you must have MIL there too if your mother goes. But because you've made the (frankly extreme and highly unusual) decision to ban visitors the first week, the end result of your mother attending the doctor appointment is that she gets to spend time with her grandchild during her first week of life, while MIL doesn't, which will likely make her feel shut out. This is exactly the kind of unintentional favoritism that I suggested you be sensitive to.
I'm so confused- where on earth does she say that just because her mom is going to a doctor's visit BEFORE the baby is born means that she also gets to see the baby in its first week of life?
OP made it clear multiple times now that neither set of grandparents will be permitted to see the baby during the first week. I think one can make the logical jump then that OP will not be going back to work during the first week. Therefore OPs mom will be seeing the baby AFTER the first week, when OP is back at work. I really don't get why people are so confused by this?
Personally, I don't think a 15 minute doctor's visit implies favoritism. But again, we can agree to disagree on this one. I'm not refusing to acknowledge anything, we just see this topic a bit differently, which is completely fine with me. Because aside from the 15 minute doctor's visit, my mom doesn't plan on coming over that first week unless I call and ask for help, which is what I want, so again, agree to disagree.
Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
More and more are becoming stricter. Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies. They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM. I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.
Birthing can just be a rough process. They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours. Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all. But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.
If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door.
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism. And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion. I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby. It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work. So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
No one is suggesting that it doesn't make sense for your mother to go to the doctor's appointment with you, or that you must have MIL there too if your mother goes. But because you've made the (frankly extreme and highly unusual) decision to ban visitors the first week, the end result of your mother attending the doctor appointment is that she gets to spend time with her grandchild during her first week of life, while MIL doesn't, which will likely make her feel shut out. This is exactly the kind of unintentional favoritism that I suggested you be sensitive to.
I'm so confused- where on earth does she say that just because her mom is going to a doctor's visit BEFORE the baby is born means that she also gets to see the baby in its first week of life?
OP made it clear multiple times now that neither set of grandparents will be permitted to see the baby during the first week. I think one can make the logical jump then that OP will not be going back to work during the first week. Therefore OPs mom will be seeing the baby AFTER the first week, when OP is back at work. I really don't get why people are so confused by this?
It's after the baby is born, during the first week.
I think it's completely unreasonable to have your mom there a whole day and not even let them visit. I'm sorry I just do. You will be plenty able to bond with and take care of the baby without completely excluding them, and taking that harsh a line now probably is very upsetting to them. Your mom doesn't need to come meet the doctor at all, and that just sounds like an excuse to cover up that you just don't really like them.
FWIW, I haven't finished reading this thread yet and I am late to the party. But I agree with @Starmoon44.
This is your first kid and I get that it is scary and overwhelming. But you will be shocked how quickly you will want someone to take the baby for an hour so you can shower and eat a meal. Don't alienate the people who are trying to help. If they rush in to try and take the baby when it cries, learn to stand your ground and say no.
As for the ILs in the waiting room, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. If you are going to tell them you are in labor, what is the difference between waiting at home and waiting down the hall? They are still waiting and they will still be calling and texting. I think its completely unfair that your sister can be involved but his family cant. It is his baby also.
Keep in mind that labor and delivery is nothing like you see in the movies. It is a long, slow process. Especially for your first. Often times the mother will sleep for several hours. Does your H really have to be by your side while you are sleeping or watching TV?
To the bolded, my sister is only really involved in the aspect of getting me to the hospital if hes still at work because we both work in the same city. Once he arrives at the hospital, she can go because since she works retail, she can't take off from work. And the same could be said about the people who prefer their mothers in the delivery room with them and not their ILs.
And yes, DH has made it very clear that he will be by my side throughout the whole process regardless of how long it takes. Of course if hes hungry, he can leave to get food, or have the food delivered to the room, not a problem.
Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
More and more are becoming stricter. Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies. They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM. I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.
Birthing can just be a rough process. They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours. Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all. But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.
If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door.
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism. And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion. I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby. It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work. So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
No one is suggesting that it doesn't make sense for your mother to go to the doctor's appointment with you, or that you must have MIL there too if your mother goes. But because you've made the (frankly extreme and highly unusual) decision to ban visitors the first week, the end result of your mother attending the doctor appointment is that she gets to spend time with her grandchild during her first week of life, while MIL doesn't, which will likely make her feel shut out. This is exactly the kind of unintentional favoritism that I suggested you be sensitive to.
I'm so confused- where on earth does she say that just because her mom is going to a doctor's visit BEFORE the baby is born means that she also gets to see the baby in its first week of life?
OP made it clear multiple times now that neither set of grandparents will be permitted to see the baby during the first week. I think one can make the logical jump then that OP will not be going back to work during the first week. Therefore OPs mom will be seeing the baby AFTER the first week, when OP is back at work. I really don't get why people are so confused by this?
My mom will be accompanying us to the first doctor's visit, as per my DHs request, not mine.
Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
More and more are becoming stricter. Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies. They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM. I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.
Birthing can just be a rough process. They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours. Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all. But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.
If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door.
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism. And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion. I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby. It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work. So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
No one is suggesting that it doesn't make sense for your mother to go to the doctor's appointment with you, or that you must have MIL there too if your mother goes. But because you've made the (frankly extreme and highly unusual) decision to ban visitors the first week, the end result of your mother attending the doctor appointment is that she gets to spend time with her grandchild during her first week of life, while MIL doesn't, which will likely make her feel shut out. This is exactly the kind of unintentional favoritism that I suggested you be sensitive to.
I'm so confused- where on earth does she say that just because her mom is going to a doctor's visit BEFORE the baby is born means that she also gets to see the baby in its first week of life?
OP made it clear multiple times now that neither set of grandparents will be permitted to see the baby during the first week. I think one can make the logical jump then that OP will not be going back to work during the first week. Therefore OPs mom will be seeing the baby AFTER the first week, when OP is back at work. I really don't get why people are so confused by this?
My mom will be accompanying us to the first doctor's visit, as per my DHs request, not mine.
Yeah but I don't get why people are making the jump that one doctor's visit before the birth equals you're allowing her to see the baby during the first week when you've already said a bunch of times that that's not the case.
One more thing I will say to you OP--DH and I are not parents yet, but we are at the tail end of our friends with respect to marriage and parenthood, and we have seen many, many of our friends become parents over the past 5 years.
Without exception, the couples who had the easiest time with transitioning to parenthood, and who have enjoyed it the most, are the ones who had support and accepted help from their family and friends. The ones who have had the hardest time and have struggled the most are the couples who shut family and friends out because they were hell-bent on doing it on their own.
Accepting help doesn't mean that you're weak or incapable. It means that you're smart enough to realize that parenting is a damn tough job and that accepting support from your community of family and friends is in the best interests of both you and your child in the long run.
Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
More and more are becoming stricter. Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies. They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM. I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.
Birthing can just be a rough process. They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours. Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all. But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.
If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door.
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism. And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion. I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby. It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work. So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
No one is suggesting that it doesn't make sense for your mother to go to the doctor's appointment with you, or that you must have MIL there too if your mother goes. But because you've made the (frankly extreme and highly unusual) decision to ban visitors the first week, the end result of your mother attending the doctor appointment is that she gets to spend time with her grandchild during her first week of life, while MIL doesn't, which will likely make her feel shut out. This is exactly the kind of unintentional favoritism that I suggested you be sensitive to.
I'm so confused- where on earth does she say that just because her mom is going to a doctor's visit BEFORE the baby is born means that she also gets to see the baby in its first week of life?
OP made it clear multiple times now that neither set of grandparents will be permitted to see the baby during the first week. I think one can make the logical jump then that OP will not be going back to work during the first week. Therefore OPs mom will be seeing the baby AFTER the first week, when OP is back at work. I really don't get why people are so confused by this?
My mom will be accompanying us to the first doctor's visit, as per my DHs request, not mine.
Yeah but I don't get why people are making the jump that one doctor's visit before the birth equals you're allowing her to see the baby during the first week when you've already said a bunch of times that that's not the case.
It isn't before the birth. It's confusing because she keeps saying neither of them can see the baby and there is no favoritism, but in fact her mother is seeing her, and the baby, and the doctor, at the baby's first visit to the doctor during the first week she is at home.
Personally, I don't think a 15 minute doctor's visit implies favoritism. But again, we can agree to disagree on this one. I'm not refusing to acknowledge anything, we just see this topic a bit differently, which is completely fine with me. Because aside from the 15 minute doctor's visit, my mom doesn't plan on coming over that first week unless I call and ask for help, which is what I want, so again, agree to disagree.
Why does your mom want to meet your doctor? That seems a little strange to me.
Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
More and more are becoming stricter. Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies. They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM. I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.
Birthing can just be a rough process. They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours. Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all. But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.
If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door.
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism. And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion. I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby. It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work. So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
No one is suggesting that it doesn't make sense for your mother to go to the doctor's appointment with you, or that you must have MIL there too if your mother goes. But because you've made the (frankly extreme and highly unusual) decision to ban visitors the first week, the end result of your mother attending the doctor appointment is that she gets to spend time with her grandchild during her first week of life, while MIL doesn't, which will likely make her feel shut out. This is exactly the kind of unintentional favoritism that I suggested you be sensitive to.
I'm so confused- where on earth does she say that just because her mom is going to a doctor's visit BEFORE the baby is born means that she also gets to see the baby in its first week of life?
OP made it clear multiple times now that neither set of grandparents will be permitted to see the baby during the first week. I think one can make the logical jump then that OP will not be going back to work during the first week. Therefore OPs mom will be seeing the baby AFTER the first week, when OP is back at work. I really don't get why people are so confused by this?
My mom will be accompanying us to the first doctor's visit, as per my DHs request, not mine.
Yeah but I don't get why people are making the jump that one doctor's visit before the birth equals you're allowing her to see the baby during the first week when you've already said a bunch of times that that's not the case.
It isn't before the birth. It's confusing because she keeps saying neither of them can see the baby and there is no favoritism, but in fact her mother is seeing her, and the baby, and the doctor, at the baby's first visit to the doctor during the first week she is at home.
I was under the impression that the first visit is happening before the baby is even born? Or am I completely off base there? Oops.
Yeah but I don't get why people are making the jump that one doctor's visit before the birth equals you're allowing her to see the baby during the first week when you've already said a bunch of times that that's not the case.
It isn't before the birth. It's confusing because she keeps saying neither of them can see the baby and there is no favoritism, but in fact her mother is seeing her, and the baby, and the doctor, at the baby's first visit to the doctor during the first week she is at home.
I was under the impression that the first visit is happening before the baby is even born? Or am I completely off base there? Oops.
Logically speaking the baby can't have their first doctor's appointment until AFTER they are born.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
I think it's completely unreasonable to have your mom there a whole day and not even let them visit. I'm sorry I just do. You will be plenty able to bond with and take care of the baby without completely excluding them, and taking that harsh a line now probably is very upsetting to them. Your mom doesn't need to come meet the doctor at all, and that just sounds like an excuse to cover up that you just don't really like them.
FWIW, I haven't finished reading this thread yet and I am late to the party. But I agree with @Starmoon44.
This is your first kid and I get that it is scary and overwhelming. But you will be shocked how quickly you will want someone to take the baby for an hour so you can shower and eat a meal. Don't alienate the people who are trying to help. If they rush in to try and take the baby when it cries, learn to stand your ground and say no.
As for the ILs in the waiting room, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. If you are going to tell them you are in labor, what is the difference between waiting at home and waiting down the hall? They are still waiting and they will still be calling and texting. I think its completely unfair that your sister can be involved but his family cant. It is his baby also.
Keep in mind that labor and delivery is nothing like you see in the movies. It is a long, slow process. Especially for your first. Often times the mother will sleep for several hours. Does your H really have to be by your side while you are sleeping or watching TV?
To the bolded, my sister is only really involved in the aspect of getting me to the hospital if hes still at work because we both work in the same city. Once he arrives at the hospital, she can go because since she works retail, she can't take off from work. And the same could be said about the people who prefer their mothers in the delivery room with them and not their ILs.
And yes, DH has made it very clear that he will be by my side throughout the whole process regardless of how long it takes. Of course if hes hungry, he can leave to get food, or have the food delivered to the room, not a problem.
So if you take a 4 hour "nap" you expect H to sit by your side the whole time? That seems a bit unreasonable.
And FWIW, if you have a long labor, you are not going to want your H eating in front of you. Because odds are you will be starving and not able to eat for awhile.
Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
More and more are becoming stricter. Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies. They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM. I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.
Birthing can just be a rough process. They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours. Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.
That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all. But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.
If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door.
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
OK - that makes complete sense and I agree. We definitely tried to do the same and balance the visiting time with the parents.
Why does your mom need to attend the 1st appointment? You'll have many Dr. appointments before you're back to work. I honestly think that having your mom there can be a giant pain.
The more I read the more I think you may be setting yourself up to be anxious and that's perfectly normal as a 1st time mom. But I think you need to understand that you are probably going to want more help during that first week than you think.
Having just given birth in the last couple weeks, I can tell you that I am SO glad I told everyone "WE will contact YOU about visiting the hospital". Everyone pushed back and wanted to be there. We even had some family say that they would just come anyway. Um, no. My approach was basically "either respect how we've chosen to do this, or you'll be out of the loop until after the baby is born." I needed to have full confidence that my wishes would be respected.
Whatever you decide, stand firm. And your DH needs to respect whatever you want. You are birthing the baby and you are the patient, not him.
Even if I were to go back and do it again, there's no way in hell I'd have others in the room. I was shaking, puking, involuntarily shitting while pushing, legs spread wide open, screaming and crying. For that, I do not need an audience, TYVM. And I do not need pushy in-laws trying to push their way in. No way! See y'all in recovery.
ETA: Oh and another thing...only invite people to stay with you afterwards who 1) you don't care if they see you walking around with your boobs out and 2) who are helpful. Limit time with visitors who "just want to meet the baby" to 30 minutes or so. You will need to sleep when the baby sleeps and you can't be up trying to entertain people.
Having just given birth in the last couple weeks, I can tell you that I am SO glad I told everyone "WE will contact YOU about visiting the hospital". Everyone pushed back and wanted to be there. We even had some family say that they would just come anyway. Um, no. My approach was basically "either respect how we've chosen to do this, or you'll be out of the loop until after the baby is born." I needed to have full confidence that my wishes would be respected.
Whatever you decide, stand firm. And your DH needs to respect whatever you want. You are birthing the baby and you are the patient, not him.
Even if I were to go back and do it again, there's no way in hell I'd have others in the room. I was shaking, puking, involuntarily shitting while pushing, legs spread wide open, screaming and crying. For that, I do not need an audience, TYVM. And I do not need pushy in-laws trying to push their way in. No way! See y'all in recovery.
I agree with your last paragraph so much! I do want to point out though that they aren't demanding to be in the delivery room.
Omg I don't think I could handle anyone demanding to be in the delivery room. I think that would push me over the edge.
I will say this, coming on here and posting really helps even though I don't see eye to eye with everyone. Everyone has made valid points whether agreeing with me or disagreeing with me and maybe I do need to rethink some things, which I am open to. Thanks ladies for all the advice!
Your needs are #1. Bottom line.
Having just given birth in the last couple weeks, I can tell you that I am SO glad I told everyone "WE will contact YOU about visiting the hospital". Everyone pushed back and wanted to be there. We even had some family say that they would just come anyway. Um, no. My approach was basically "either respect how we've chosen to do this, or you'll be out of the loop until after the baby is born." I needed to have full confidence that my wishes would be respected.
Whatever you decide, stand firm. And your DH needs to respect whatever you want. You are birthing the baby and you are the patient, not him.
Even if I were to go back and do it again, there's no way in hell I'd have others in the room. I was shaking, puking, involuntarily shitting while pushing, legs spread wide open, screaming and crying. For that, I do not need an audience, TYVM. And I do not need pushy in-laws trying to push their way in. No way! See y'all in recovery.
ETA: Oh and another thing...only invite people to stay with you afterwards who 1) you don't care if they see you walking around with your boobs out and 2) who are helpful. Limit time with visitors who "just want to meet the baby" to 30 minutes or so. You will need to sleep when the baby sleeps and you can't be up trying to entertain people.
I don't think anyone is asking OP to be in the delivery room. they simply want to wait in the waiting room and see the baby in reasonable time frame, after the baby has been born.
Having just given birth in the last couple weeks, I can tell you that I am SO glad I told everyone "WE will contact YOU about visiting the hospital". Everyone pushed back and wanted to be there. We even had some family say that they would just come anyway. Um, no. My approach was basically "either respect how we've chosen to do this, or you'll be out of the loop until after the baby is born." I needed to have full confidence that my wishes would be respected.
Whatever you decide, stand firm. And your DH needs to respect whatever you want. You are birthing the baby and you are the patient, not him.
Even if I were to go back and do it again, there's no way in hell I'd have others in the room. I was shaking, puking, involuntarily shitting while pushing, legs spread wide open, screaming and crying. For that, I do not need an audience, TYVM. And I do not need pushy in-laws trying to push their way in. No way! See y'all in recovery.
I agree with your last paragraph so much! I do want to point out though that they aren't demanding to be in the delivery room.
Very true. I'd still feel pressure/anxiety if I knew they were just sitting around in the waiting room, too though. Because anyone waiting in the waiting room wants to come in right after the kid is born. Otherwise, they're home waiting for the text that baby was born and it's OK to visit.
And I'll tell you, right after my baby was born, I was still spread eagle as they pulled out the placenta, sewed me up from the tearing, and cleaned up the last bit of shit. No one ever shows pictures from the waist down afterwards...for a reason. It took a good 2 hours until all the post-birth stuff was done - for me and for the baby.
Your needs are #1. Bottom line.
Having just given birth in the last couple weeks, I can tell you that I am SO glad I told everyone "WE will contact YOU about visiting the hospital". Everyone pushed back and wanted to be there. We even had some family say that they would just come anyway. Um, no. My approach was basically "either respect how we've chosen to do this, or you'll be out of the loop until after the baby is born." I needed to have full confidence that my wishes would be respected.
Whatever you decide, stand firm. And your DH needs to respect whatever you want. You are birthing the baby and you are the patient, not him.
Even if I were to go back and do it again, there's no way in hell I'd have others in the room. I was shaking, puking, involuntarily shitting while pushing, legs spread wide open, screaming and crying. For that, I do not need an audience, TYVM. And I do not need pushy in-laws trying to push their way in. No way! See y'all in recovery.
I agree with your last paragraph so much! I do want to point out though that they aren't demanding to be in the delivery room.
Very true. I'd still feel pressure/anxiety if I knew they were just sitting around in the waiting room, too though. Because anyone waiting in the waiting room wants to come in right after the kid is born. Otherwise, they're home waiting for the text that baby was born and it's OK to visit.
And I'll tell you, right after my baby was born, I was still spread eagle as they pulled out the placenta, sewed me up from the tearing, and cleaned up the last bit of shit. No one ever shows pictures from the waist down afterwards...for a reason. It took a good 2 hours until all the post-birth stuff was done - for me and for the baby.
So if OP's ILs are willing to wait out to whole labor and delivery, I am sure they will be okay to wait the extra 2 hours to see the baby. But OP is saying that she wont let them
Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?
You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait. That is not unkind. There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.
Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat. And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that. I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.
I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship. My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
Maybe, where I'm from all Maternity Wards are locked down. You can only get in or out if you are a patient or with a patient in labour. At that point, only two people are allowed at any given time in Labour and Delivery with the patient.
Visiting hours are not a free for all either. You have to give the front desk a list of who is coming and only x amount of people are allowed to visit at a time.
It was very easy for me to control who was with me during labour and delivery. My phone, I only texted people that I knew wouldn't bother coming down to let them know I was in labour. The two people that I wanted in the delivery room were there when my son was born and everyone else came by when I got home.
First I will say that I only skimmed this thread. Second, I do not have kids and am not pregnant.
So with all that out there, OP, I know you said that you and your H have discussed this, but I was just wondering if he is fully on board with his parents not being allowed to visit during the first week or is he just going along with what you want. I mean this is his kid too so maybe he wants his parents around to help and support him. So yes, I think you have final say over who is and who is not in the delivery room (controlling the waiting room is a bit much though), but once the kiddo is born that baby is not just yours, it is his as well and he has just as much right to decide things as you do.
I get your line of thinking, but as someone who has witnessed her sister have two babies I can tell you that she needed and fully wanted help the first week or so. She just pushed a huge watermelon, basically, out of her hooha that poops, eats, cries, etc. Yes she had her H to help but both of them were sleep deprived and with the first had no clue what they were doing. Having close family (meaning only the parents) around helped them so much. They were able to not only take care of their baby but also themselves. And then when they had their second child my parents were there to entertain their first. So yes, you can lightly set limits, but please don't feel pressured to stick to them. I have heard many Moms say that they made plans and set limits and such and almost as soon after their kid made their arrival all those plans and limits went out the window.
Katwag - ohmrs said the grandparents can visit the baby in the hospital.
I think, correct me if I'm wrong ohmrs, she doesn't want to be pressured into cutting the postpartum 'cleanup' and skin to skin bonding short. She would like to let all the grandparents know when it's ok to come to the hospital. Her parents are being respectful of her wishes/his mom and sister aren't.
I agree your body your choice, and I think most of us missed the HOSPITAL has the rule of no waiting.. no one knows how long you will be in labor, you may have the baby with in an hour, to a few days. for example: my first was a large baby, I had a small frame, he was a week late and wouldn't turn. I had to schedule a c-section. second child I scheduled a c-section since I had the first one, his dad didn't like that decision, I think my exact words were "The day you have to push a 9lb baby out of your D*** you get to make that decision" I was 8 months..
My first I had my mother, my BF (at the time) and the Adoptive parents waiting all were completely my choice others came the next day since we were there for three days.. the second child the father's parents pulled the same BS about they want to be there and "we will wait so you can get your solo time".. they didn't they pushed right in there, and I couldn't try breastfeeding or even hold my fucking baby until they were done.. pushy people tend to forget that you have feelings too, and that this is your child and you need to have some one on one time with the baby before visits start.. I made the mistake of giving in and letting them coming and waiting and they ruined being able to enjoy my child I just carried for 9 months..
also with my second his dad was pushy about having someone with me at ALL times.. and scheduled people in shifts to be at the house when he was at work.. It was tiring, DS slept soo well and I couldn't B/C I had company.. and they wanted anything to do so they of course helped, and wanted to hold the baby so the next week I had a spoiled baby that wanted to be held all the time and couldn't get anything done.. it was miserable...
other example, a friend, hemorrhaged she had to get blood transfusions, and the baby was fine, they had issues later with her but she was really weak, and the hospital wouldn't let anyone come in to the room the first night.. her whole family, her family and his respected and were not waiting, and they called and gave updates when they could. even to us who were only friends not family.. even though their kids call us aunt and uncle..
third example.. FSIL had fist child water broke on Thursday, Friday no baby, Saturday no baby, Sunday late evening baby.. family visited to relieve the boredom, and bring husband food (he was not allowed to eat in front of her). but all respected that they didn't want someone waiting around for her to push this baby out..
all moms know everyone is so excited to meet the baby, but no one is more excited to have this pregnancy/delivery over and have a baby already than a 9 month along pregnant woman.. unless your one of those weirdos that just loved every bloody minute, if you are more power to you..
again this is your body, your kid, you and your husband need to set boundaries now, and make sure that if your willing to bend on something you initiate it not pushed by someone in to it.. if you decide after 3 days your week may be to much and you need help, let it be your idea..
Katwag - ohmrs said the grandparents can visit the baby in the hospital.
I think, correct me if I'm wrong ohmrs, she doesn't want to be pressured into cutting the postpartum 'cleanup' and skin to skin bonding short. She would like to let all the grandparents know when it's ok to come to the hospital. Her parents are being respectful of her wishes/his mom and sister aren't.
She said depending on the time she would send them home without letting them see the baby first.
I think I'm the only one who doesn't get waiting in the waiting room. I lived OOT when all of my nieces and nephews were born. I was just fine getting a call they were in labor and then waiting the 1 hour (one quick baby) to 20 hours labor for the announcement I had a new niece or nephew. None of my siblings knew the sex of the baby before they were born. So it wasn't just the baby being born for us, it was revealing the sex too.
If my sister had asked me to be there I would, but I doubt if I lived in town I would have rushed over to the waiting room. My parents were there for my sister's first. That was more they were OOT and coordinated with my sister to show up 2 weeks after the due date. My sister was 2 weeks late. Soooo, they were there. My dad was still working and my parents lived overseas, so they had a little more coordinating to do.
For the rest of my nieces and nephews my parents showed up a few weeks after the birth. My sister and one SIL gave my parents full access to the newborn. I think that was more that my parents were overseas, so giving them full access for a few days knowing they were leaving for a few months or more was easy. SIL#2's tried to give my parents access, but her mom was crazy and hovered over my parents when the whole time.
In real life I do not know any new mom who cut off all access to them and the baby the first few weeks. Help was very much welcomed and needed. No their homes were not revolving doors, there were limits, but not one of them denied access.
Now I was in the delivery room for a friend. She had a quick labor. So quick that her DH and I left to get something to eat and had to rush back (without the takeout food). Her mom had died, dad lived in Spain and his parents lived back in the states. I was there for the birth, DH and I were there the next day. We helped her and her husband out at home for the first week until her in-laws flew in.
When it comes to kids the best laid out plans often get flown out the window. Kids have a mind of their own, things are always changing. It's good to have general plans, just not specific ones as life has a funny way have saying "fuck your plans".
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
I agree your body, your baby, your choice, but as someone who has had two babies - and two vastly different birth experiences - I just wanted to throw a few things out there.
With my first baby, I went in to labor around 9pm. I made no progress and the doctor had to break my water around 5am. I didn't actually give birth until 9:30pm two days after I initially went in to labor. I went in with all of these expectations of how I wanted it and how it should be. I had a very clear "vision" and I have to tell you honestly I think that my insistence on sticking to those ideas contributed to a fairly difficult birth.
I also wanted my husband there the whole time to console me. He was very good and attentive, rubbing my back, stroking my hair, reminding me to breathe. By the morning after I went in to labor, I hated him and I wanted him to get the hell away from me. I would have LOVED for there to be someone else there for him to visit with/talk to about his own anxiety during the times that I just could not deal with him anymore. As it ended up, he wound up bored out of his mind sitting and/or napping on the couch in the birthing suite for large chunks of time during the labor process because after a while there isn't really anything for your husband (or anyone else) to do except wait for that last final moment of birth. It would have been nice for him to be able to escape that room (which despite being a nice, well appointed birthing suite, became pretty awful and claustrophobic after 12 hours or so). And I'm sure he wanted to get out of there, but he never would have told me that because he felt like he was obligated to be there with me every second. The irony, of course, is that I wanted him to get the hell out. Ah, childbirth!
My "birthplan" involved no medication and no visitors. The doctor kept offering, and I kept refusing meds. So that meant that for 30 hours, I was in hard labor and kept refusing meds. Because I was in labor and not progressing, I constantly had people in and out of my room checking me and monitoring my and baby's condition. It was hardly the calm, serene experience I envisioned, but I refused to sway from my plan. My husband was obviously distressed but again wouldn't say anything because he wanted my wishes to be the first priority. Finally my doctor told me if I didn't progress, we were doing a C-section. That terrified me. I was 19, for crying out loud. He suggested trying an epidural to see if that relaxed me enough to allow labor to progress. I agreed. I was exhausted mentally and physically. I had not slept at all since being admitted, and I was questioning what the hell I had gotten myself in to. Lo and behold, immediately after the epidural, the pain was gone and I could sleep. Glorious sleep. I napped for a couple hours and next thing I knew I was almost fully dilated and it was time to push. My doctor was wise. Being able to really relax and rest did the trick. If I had been a little more open to some help earlier on, I probably wouldn't have been in labor that long.
My husband had to go back to work right away. All of our family lived far away, and I had told them not to travel - I wanted alone time with baby. (They weren't going to stay with me, they would book a hotel, but I still told them no.) I was so physically exhausted, and an emotional wreck. Nothing about motherhood was what I expected. I remember FINALLY getting to take a shower about four days in when my daughter was napping, and when I got out after about 5 minutes she was screaming and I lost it. What a neglectful mother I was for taking a shower and letting her scream for 5 minutes! My mom and grandparents finally came to visit about a week after she was born, and I have to tell you I was so grateful for the opportunity to just take a real nap without worrying that the baby was going to wake up and I would need to get up and feed/change/walk her.
With my second baby, I did not make a birthplan aside from planning the route to the hospital. I told my mom I would love for her to come visit. I went in to the labor, we went to the hospital, and I asked for an epidural the moment I was wheeled in. I was admitted around 9 am and he was born at 4:30. Easy peasy. Both my husband and I were laughing and smiling through the whole labor. My mom was there and I barely noticed her. She met my son right after he was born and then stayed out of the way while my husband and I had one on one time. When they took my son away and my husband went with him, my mom was there and I didn't feel alone. She stayed for a week after his birth, and being able to sleep and do things on my terms rather than feeling like I constantly had to be "on" for the baby really helped me stay sane.
It is ultimately your choice, and everyone's experience is different, but I feel like mothers-to-be today are sort of sold a bill of goods regarding what birth needs to be like. Create a birth plan, play Enya, have lavender diffusers to create a calming environment, have a non-GMO IV drip to keep you sustained, only allow baby to touch natural organic Egyptian cotton after birth, you must take a week to bond.... We have been doing this successfully for thousands and thousands of years without all those things, and people still bond with their babies. You can do it successfully, too Of course you want things to be the way you prefer, but don't get so caught up in your vision that it becomes detrimental to you or your loved ones.
I will also chime in regarding the mother/MIL issue.. I understand that you don't feel you are showing favoritism, and I actually agree with you. BUT... Your MIL sees it as favoritism. I guarantee it. And that's part of why she's pushing so hard. It might be worthwhile to find a place that you can make some pre-planned space for her. Obviously this should be about you and baby, but take it from someone who was married for a very long time - it's beneficial to you, baby, and DH to try to minimize friction. I guarantee you you will want to nap or whatever in the first few days (and baby will spend 90% of their time sleeping anyway). It seems like MIL lives close by. Maybe you could let DH call her to come over for a quick 10 minute visit while you're napping or something. This will satisfy her desire to see her new grandchild outside of a clinical environment, will alleviate some of her feelings of being left out, and won't impose on you too much.
Katwag - ohmrs said the grandparents can visit the baby in the hospital.
I think, correct me if I'm wrong ohmrs, she doesn't want to be pressured into cutting the postpartum 'cleanup' and skin to skin bonding short. She would like to let all the grandparents know when it's ok to come to the hospital. Her parents are being respectful of her wishes/his mom and sister aren't.
She said depending on the time she would send them home without letting them see the baby first.
OK, I see what you mean. But that makes sense to me, since she told them not to wait in the waiting room, in the first place. She didn't want to be pressured to let them in before everyone was 'detailed.'
I suppose hospitals no longer have nurseries where the babies are lined up and anyone can go take a peek at the babies? That would seem to resolve that disagreement. It's been so long since we've had babies in our family. If I'm ever lucky enough to be an expectant grandma, I plan on following the parents' orders in hopes of getting on their good side.
Re: NWR: Baby Related, Looking for Some Insight and Advice
Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.
And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism. And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion. I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby. It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work. So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
Your mother gets to see the baby. His mother does not. Your mother is being favored with seeing the baby. It's really very simple, and I find your refusal to acknowledge it very disturbing honestly. It will be difficult to handle his parents if you won't acknowledge reality.
FWIW, I haven't finished reading this thread yet and I am late to the party. But I agree with @Starmoon44.
This is your first kid and I get that it is scary and overwhelming. But you will be shocked how quickly you will want someone to take the baby for an hour so you can shower and eat a meal. Don't alienate the people who are trying to help. If they rush in to try and take the baby when it cries, learn to stand your ground and say no.
As for the ILs in the waiting room, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. If you are going to tell them you are in labor, what is the difference between waiting at home and waiting down the hall? They are still waiting and they will still be calling and texting. I think its completely unfair that your sister can be involved but his family cant. It is his baby also.
Keep in mind that labor and delivery is nothing like you see in the movies. It is a long, slow process. Especially for your first. Often times the mother will sleep for several hours. Does your H really have to be by your side while you are sleeping or watching TV?
I'm so confused- where on earth does she say that just because her mom is going to a doctor's visit BEFORE the baby is born means that she also gets to see the baby in its first week of life?
OP made it clear multiple times now that neither set of grandparents will be permitted to see the baby during the first week. I think one can make the logical jump then that OP will not be going back to work during the first week. Therefore OPs mom will be seeing the baby AFTER the first week, when OP is back at work. I really don't get why people are so confused by this?
Formerly martha1818
I'm so confused- where on earth does she say that just because her mom is going to a doctor's visit BEFORE the baby is born means that she also gets to see the baby in its first week of life?
OP made it clear multiple times now that neither set of grandparents will be permitted to see the baby during the first week. I think one can make the logical jump then that OP will not be going back to work during the first week. Therefore OPs mom will be seeing the baby AFTER the first week, when OP is back at work. I really don't get why people are so confused by this?
It's after the baby is born, during the first week.
Formerly martha1818
I'm so confused- where on earth does she say that just because her mom is going to a doctor's visit BEFORE the baby is born means that she also gets to see the baby in its first week of life?
OP made it clear multiple times now that neither set of grandparents will be permitted to see the baby during the first week. I think one can make the logical jump then that OP will not be going back to work during the first week. Therefore OPs mom will be seeing the baby AFTER the first week, when OP is back at work. I really don't get why people are so confused by this?
My mom will be accompanying us to the first doctor's visit, as per my DHs request, not mine.
Yeah but I don't get why people are making the jump that one doctor's visit before the birth equals you're allowing her to see the baby during the first week when you've already said a bunch of times that that's not the case.
It isn't before the birth. It's confusing because she keeps saying neither of them can see the baby and there is no favoritism, but in fact her mother is seeing her, and the baby, and the doctor, at the baby's first visit to the doctor during the first week she is at home.
Formerly martha1818
So if you take a 4 hour "nap" you expect H to sit by your side the whole time? That seems a bit unreasonable.
And FWIW, if you have a long labor, you are not going to want your H eating in front of you. Because odds are you will be starving and not able to eat for awhile.
Having just given birth in the last couple weeks, I can tell you that I am SO glad I told everyone "WE will contact YOU about visiting the hospital". Everyone pushed back and wanted to be there. We even had some family say that they would just come anyway. Um, no. My approach was basically "either respect how we've chosen to do this, or you'll be out of the loop until after the baby is born." I needed to have full confidence that my wishes would be respected.
Whatever you decide, stand firm. And your DH needs to respect whatever you want. You are birthing the baby and you are the patient, not him.
Even if I were to go back and do it again, there's no way in hell I'd have others in the room. I was shaking, puking, involuntarily shitting while pushing, legs spread wide open, screaming and crying. For that, I do not need an audience, TYVM. And I do not need pushy in-laws trying to push their way in. No way! See y'all in recovery.
ETA: Oh and another thing...only invite people to stay with you afterwards who 1) you don't care if they see you walking around with your boobs out and 2) who are helpful. Limit time with visitors who "just want to meet the baby" to 30 minutes or so. You will need to sleep when the baby sleeps and you can't be up trying to entertain people.
I agree with your last paragraph so much! I do want to point out though that they aren't demanding to be in the delivery room.
I will say this, coming on here and posting really helps even though I don't see eye to eye with everyone. Everyone has made valid points whether agreeing with me or disagreeing with me and maybe I do need to rethink some things, which I am open to. Thanks ladies for all the advice!
And I'll tell you, right after my baby was born, I was still spread eagle as they pulled out the placenta, sewed me up from the tearing, and cleaned up the last bit of shit. No one ever shows pictures from the waist down afterwards...for a reason. It took a good 2 hours until all the post-birth stuff was done - for me and for the baby.
My first I had my mother, my BF (at the time) and the Adoptive parents waiting all were completely my choice others came the next day since we were there for three days.. the second child the father's parents pulled the same BS about they want to be there and "we will wait so you can get your solo time".. they didn't they pushed right in there, and I couldn't try breastfeeding or even hold my fucking baby until they were done.. pushy people tend to forget that you have feelings too, and that this is your child and you need to have some one on one time with the baby before visits start.. I made the mistake of giving in and letting them coming and waiting and they ruined being able to enjoy my child I just carried for 9 months..
also with my second his dad was pushy about having someone with me at ALL times.. and scheduled people in shifts to be at the house when he was at work.. It was tiring, DS slept soo well and I couldn't B/C I had company.. and they wanted anything to do so they of course helped, and wanted to hold the baby so the next week I had a spoiled baby that wanted to be held all the time and couldn't get anything done.. it was miserable...
other example, a friend, hemorrhaged she had to get blood transfusions, and the baby was fine, they had issues later with her but she was really weak, and the hospital wouldn't let anyone come in to the room the first night.. her whole family, her family and his respected and were not waiting, and they called and gave updates when they could. even to us who were only friends not family.. even though their kids call us aunt and uncle..
third example.. FSIL had fist child water broke on Thursday, Friday no baby, Saturday no baby, Sunday late evening baby.. family visited to relieve the boredom, and bring husband food (he was not allowed to eat in front of her). but all respected that they didn't want someone waiting around for her to push this baby out..
all moms know everyone is so excited to meet the baby, but no one is more excited to have this pregnancy/delivery over and have a baby already than a 9 month along pregnant woman.. unless your one of those weirdos that just loved every bloody minute, if you are more power to you..
again this is your body, your kid, you and your husband need to set boundaries now, and make sure that if your willing to bend on something you initiate it not pushed by someone in to it.. if you decide after 3 days your week may be to much and you need help, let it be your idea..
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With my first baby, I went in to labor around 9pm. I made no progress and the doctor had to break my water around 5am. I didn't actually give birth until 9:30pm two days after I initially went in to labor. I went in with all of these expectations of how I wanted it and how it should be. I had a very clear "vision" and I have to tell you honestly I think that my insistence on sticking to those ideas contributed to a fairly difficult birth.
I also wanted my husband there the whole time to console me. He was very good and attentive, rubbing my back, stroking my hair, reminding me to breathe. By the morning after I went in to labor, I hated him and I wanted him to get the hell away from me. I would have LOVED for there to be someone else there for him to visit with/talk to about his own anxiety during the times that I just could not deal with him anymore. As it ended up, he wound up bored out of his mind sitting and/or napping on the couch in the birthing suite for large chunks of time during the labor process because after a while there isn't really anything for your husband (or anyone else) to do except wait for that last final moment of birth. It would have been nice for him to be able to escape that room (which despite being a nice, well appointed birthing suite, became pretty awful and claustrophobic after 12 hours or so). And I'm sure he wanted to get out of there, but he never would have told me that because he felt like he was obligated to be there with me every second. The irony, of course, is that I wanted him to get the hell out. Ah, childbirth!
My "birthplan" involved no medication and no visitors. The doctor kept offering, and I kept refusing meds. So that meant that for 30 hours, I was in hard labor and kept refusing meds. Because I was in labor and not progressing, I constantly had people in and out of my room checking me and monitoring my and baby's condition. It was hardly the calm, serene experience I envisioned, but I refused to sway from my plan. My husband was obviously distressed but again wouldn't say anything because he wanted my wishes to be the first priority. Finally my doctor told me if I didn't progress, we were doing a C-section. That terrified me. I was 19, for crying out loud. He suggested trying an epidural to see if that relaxed me enough to allow labor to progress. I agreed. I was exhausted mentally and physically. I had not slept at all since being admitted, and I was questioning what the hell I had gotten myself in to. Lo and behold, immediately after the epidural, the pain was gone and I could sleep. Glorious sleep. I napped for a couple hours and next thing I knew I was almost fully dilated and it was time to push. My doctor was wise. Being able to really relax and rest did the trick. If I had been a little more open to some help earlier on, I probably wouldn't have been in labor that long.
My husband had to go back to work right away. All of our family lived far away, and I had told them not to travel - I wanted alone time with baby. (They weren't going to stay with me, they would book a hotel, but I still told them no.) I was so physically exhausted, and an emotional wreck. Nothing about motherhood was what I expected. I remember FINALLY getting to take a shower about four days in when my daughter was napping, and when I got out after about 5 minutes she was screaming and I lost it. What a neglectful mother I was for taking a shower and letting her scream for 5 minutes! My mom and grandparents finally came to visit about a week after she was born, and I have to tell you I was so grateful for the opportunity to just take a real nap without worrying that the baby was going to wake up and I would need to get up and feed/change/walk her.
With my second baby, I did not make a birthplan aside from planning the route to the hospital. I told my mom I would love for her to come visit. I went in to the labor, we went to the hospital, and I asked for an epidural the moment I was wheeled in. I was admitted around 9 am and he was born at 4:30. Easy peasy. Both my husband and I were laughing and smiling through the whole labor. My mom was there and I barely noticed her. She met my son right after he was born and then stayed out of the way while my husband and I had one on one time. When they took my son away and my husband went with him, my mom was there and I didn't feel alone. She stayed for a week after his birth, and being able to sleep and do things on my terms rather than feeling like I constantly had to be "on" for the baby really helped me stay sane.
It is ultimately your choice, and everyone's experience is different, but I feel like mothers-to-be today are sort of sold a bill of goods regarding what birth needs to be like. Create a birth plan, play Enya, have lavender diffusers to create a calming environment, have a non-GMO IV drip to keep you sustained, only allow baby to touch natural organic Egyptian cotton after birth, you must take a week to bond.... We have been doing this successfully for thousands and thousands of years without all those things, and people still bond with their babies. You can do it successfully, too
I will also chime in regarding the mother/MIL issue.. I understand that you don't feel you are showing favoritism, and I actually agree with you. BUT... Your MIL sees it as favoritism. I guarantee it. And that's part of why she's pushing so hard. It might be worthwhile to find a place that you can make some pre-planned space for her. Obviously this should be about you and baby, but take it from someone who was married for a very long time - it's beneficial to you, baby, and DH to try to minimize friction. I guarantee you you will want to nap or whatever in the first few days (and baby will spend 90% of their time sleeping anyway). It seems like MIL lives close by. Maybe you could let DH call her to come over for a quick 10 minute visit while you're napping or something. This will satisfy her desire to see her new grandchild outside of a clinical environment, will alleviate some of her feelings of being left out, and won't impose on you too much.