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NWR: Baby Related, Looking for Some Insight and Advice

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Re: NWR: Baby Related, Looking for Some Insight and Advice

  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited October 2015
    Yes, the hospital does not have visiting hours for the waiting room on the maternity floor.  They can wait all night if they wanted to.  Once the baby is born and I begin my skin to skin and bonding time begins, that's when the move to the labor and delivery room begins, so if I give birth in the middle of the night, then no, they can not come and visit me in my postpartum room because the visiting hour rule has begun. If still in the labor and delivery room, hospital will not let anyone in the room aside from DH and I during our bonding time because they have very firm beliefs in that time being just for us, unless we request otherwise and to be quite honest, depending on birth time, I might not be up for visitors right afterwards when I'm moved into my new room, especially if its later in the evening. And in the labor and delivery room, there are strict 2 people max at any time, and DH would be that one person so only one other person would be allowed in there, whether I have given birth or not. 

    So if I am moved into my postpartum room during non visiting hours, or pretty close to it, then no, they will have to wait to see the little one until the next morning, and that is not my rule, that is the hospitals rule.

    And yes, maternity in this hospital is on complete lockdown.  Baby gets an ankle gps bracelet, DH and I get about 3 wristbands and baby gets matching ones.  Everyone has to be on a list to get in and show picture ID about 3 times before even reaching me.

    Edited because I can't type and for clarification.
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  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    KatWAG said:
    Katwag - ohmrs said the grandparents can visit the baby in the hospital.

    I think, correct me if I'm wrong ohmrs, she doesn't want to be pressured into cutting the postpartum 'cleanup' and skin to skin bonding short. She would like to let all the grandparents know when it's ok to come to the hospital. Her parents are being respectful of her wishes/his mom and sister aren't. 
    She said depending on the time she would send them home without letting them see the baby first.
    OK, I see what you mean. But that makes sense to me, since she told them not to wait in the waiting room, in the first place. She didn't want to be pressured to let them in before everyone was 'detailed.' 

    I suppose hospitals no longer have nurseries where the babies are lined up and anyone can go take a peek at the babies? That would seem to resolve that disagreement.  It's been so long since we've had babies in our family. If I'm ever lucky enough to be an expectant grandma, I plan on following the parents' orders in hopes of getting on their good side.
    The two hospitals we toured and the one we chose both have curtains covering the nurseries for security purposes.  You can only peek in once you have been cleared to enter the postpartum section of the ward.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @mrs2014 and southernbelle. That's great. I suppose it's because of the few newborn kidnappings. When I had my kids, it was a free for all. The visiting hours were 24 hours/7.  I had one roommate each time. If I didn't have visitors, they did. One roommate had a large, loud family. It was miserable. 
                
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  • ohmrs2014 said:
    KatWAG said:
    Katwag - ohmrs said the grandparents can visit the baby in the hospital.

    I think, correct me if I'm wrong ohmrs, she doesn't want to be pressured into cutting the postpartum 'cleanup' and skin to skin bonding short. She would like to let all the grandparents know when it's ok to come to the hospital. Her parents are being respectful of her wishes/his mom and sister aren't. 
    She said depending on the time she would send them home without letting them see the baby first.
    OK, I see what you mean. But that makes sense to me, since she told them not to wait in the waiting room, in the first place. She didn't want to be pressured to let them in before everyone was 'detailed.' 

    I suppose hospitals no longer have nurseries where the babies are lined up and anyone can go take a peek at the babies? That would seem to resolve that disagreement.  It's been so long since we've had babies in our family. If I'm ever lucky enough to be an expectant grandma, I plan on following the parents' orders in hopes of getting on their good side.
    The two hospitals we toured and the one we chose both have curtains covering the nurseries for security purposes.  You can only peek in once you have been cleared to enter the postpartum section of the ward.
    it is up to the parents, if the baby even goes to the nursery anymore. both mine never left my room, when going from delivery room to post-labor room they were right in front of me.. never leaving sight.. I will say that after I realized I would only pump and not actually breastfeed due to issues, my second went with a nurse for a few hours a night, but we still fed him every feeding. and the nursery had windows but it was not babies lined up it was only a few babies and nurses feeding or holding them..
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  • ohmrs2014 said:
    KatWAG said:
    Katwag - ohmrs said the grandparents can visit the baby in the hospital.

    I think, correct me if I'm wrong ohmrs, she doesn't want to be pressured into cutting the postpartum 'cleanup' and skin to skin bonding short. She would like to let all the grandparents know when it's ok to come to the hospital. Her parents are being respectful of her wishes/his mom and sister aren't. 
    She said depending on the time she would send them home without letting them see the baby first.
    OK, I see what you mean. But that makes sense to me, since she told them not to wait in the waiting room, in the first place. She didn't want to be pressured to let them in before everyone was 'detailed.' 

    I suppose hospitals no longer have nurseries where the babies are lined up and anyone can go take a peek at the babies? That would seem to resolve that disagreement.  It's been so long since we've had babies in our family. If I'm ever lucky enough to be an expectant grandma, I plan on following the parents' orders in hopes of getting on their good side.
    The two hospitals we toured and the one we chose both have curtains covering the nurseries for security purposes.  You can only peek in once you have been cleared to enter the postpartum section of the ward.

    Yep.  "Rooming in" is also becoming increasingly popular.  At most of the Boston area hospitals these days, they highly encourage you to keep your baby in the room with you as much as possible, and healthy babies really only go to the nursery if Mom and Dad need a break.
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  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    Rooming in is extremely popular now.  The hospital we will be at does this as well, unless I need a break or unless for some reason, they need to be in the NICU or under the light for jaundice.
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  • Ditto the rooming w/ baby.   It's considered baby friendly to have baby in the room with mom and dad.   I will say that I loved that they took DS for his hearing tests from about 10 PM until 2 AM.   

    I never went to the nursery for DS's birth at all.  

    Oh, and in the hospital where I birthed, as long as you had an 'uncomplicated' vaginal delivery, you delivered in the room where you slept.   So the last time, I walked into my room at 6 AM, checked in, had the heplock added and delivered DS by 7:51 in my bed.   I was cleaned up with fresh sheets by 9 AM. 


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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Did you all have roommates? I had a roommate, a c-section and what you call rooming in for my third baby. That was the roommate with a huge family and 24 hour visitors. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. 
                
  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    banana468 said:
    Ditto the rooming w/ baby.   It's considered baby friendly to have baby in the room with mom and dad.   I will say that I loved that they took DS for his hearing tests from about 10 PM until 2 AM.   

    I never went to the nursery for DS's birth at all.  

    Oh, and in the hospital where I birthed, as long as you had an 'uncomplicated' vaginal delivery, you delivered in the room where you slept.   So the last time, I walked into my room at 6 AM, checked in, had the heplock added and delivered DS by 7:51 in my bed.   I was cleaned up with fresh sheets by 9 AM. 


    The only time she will leave me is after our bonding time, where I get cleaned up and stitched if needed, and DH goes with her as she finishes getting cleaned up and has some of her tests completed.  Then we meet again in the postpartum room.  Its about an hour separation, because the nurses will help me shower if need as well, but at least DH will be with her the whole time I am not and it gives him some one on one time with her as well.
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  • Did you all have roommates? I had a roommate, a c-section and what you call rooming in for my third baby. That was the roommate with a huge family and 24 hour visitors. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. 
    Just DH and the baby.     My room was just for me.   It was pretty great that way.   I know not all hospitals work that way but it made my stay there that much better.


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  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    The main reason why we chose this hospital was because all of the rooms, both labor and delivery and postpartum are private.  No room sharing.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Did you all have roommates? I had a roommate, a c-section and what you call rooming in for my third baby. That was the roommate with a huge family and 24 hour visitors. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. 
    Thankfully, the hospital that I delivered at doesn't have shared rooms.
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  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2015
    Just wanted to add, because I've been researching hospitals for hypothetical baby (because it affects which insurance plan I pick for work), and all the ones I was considering due to location to my house are super fancy and have private rooms.  They're newer hospitals so maybe that's part of it too.  But yeah, the rooms look as nice if not nicer than my house and they offer room service of legit food, and stuff like massages.   
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015
    KatWAG said:
    ohmrs2014 said:
    KatWAG said:
    I think it's completely unreasonable to have your mom there a whole day and not even let them visit. I'm sorry I just do. You will be plenty able to bond with and take care of the baby without completely excluding them, and taking that harsh a line now probably is very upsetting to them. Your mom doesn't need to come meet the doctor at all, and that just sounds like an excuse to cover up that you just don't really like them.

    FWIW, I haven't finished reading this thread yet and I am late to the party. But I agree with @Starmoon44.

    This is your first kid and I get that it is scary and overwhelming. But you will be shocked how quickly you will want someone to take the baby for an hour so you can shower and eat a meal. Don't alienate the people who are trying to help. If they rush in to try and take the baby when it cries, learn to stand your ground and say no.

    As for the ILs in the waiting room, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. If you are going to tell them you are in labor, what is the difference between waiting at home and waiting down the hall? They are still waiting and they will still be calling and texting. I think its completely unfair that your sister can be involved but his family cant. It is his baby also.

    Keep in mind that labor and delivery is nothing like you see in the movies. It is a long, slow process. Especially for your first. Often times the mother will sleep for several hours. Does your H really have to be by your side while you are sleeping or watching TV? 

    To the bolded, my sister is only really involved in the aspect of getting me to the hospital if hes still at work because we both work in the same city.  Once he arrives at the hospital, she can go because since she works retail, she can't take off from work.  And the same could be said about the people who prefer their mothers in the delivery room with them and not their ILs.

    And yes, DH has made it very clear that he will be by my side throughout the whole process regardless of how long it takes.  Of course if hes hungry, he can leave to get food, or have the food delivered to the room, not a problem.  

    So if you take a 4 hour "nap" you expect H to sit by your side the whole time? That seems a bit unreasonable.

    And FWIW, if you have a long labor, you are not going to want your H eating in front of you. Because odds are you will be starving and not able to eat for awhile.

    YES!  I had gestational diabetes, so they were extra-strict with me:  I couldn't even have Jello or popsicles or anything.  DH left to "use the restroom" and came back 5 minutes later smelling like Doritos.  I wanted to strangle him.

    ETA:  DH almost passed out when I was in labor with DS (2nd kid), and since he was fine the first time I was in labor, we think it's because DS came so fast:  we basically got up crazy-early in the morning, rushed to the hospital, DH hadn't eaten since dinner the night before and wasn't even thinking about food, and ended up with low blood sugar.  So it's a good idea for him to eat something.
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  • Katwag - ohmrs said the grandparents can visit the baby in the hospital.

    I think, correct me if I'm wrong ohmrs, she doesn't want to be pressured into cutting the postpartum 'cleanup' and skin to skin bonding short. She would like to let all the grandparents know when it's ok to come to the hospital. Her parents are being respectful of her wishes/his mom and sister aren't. 
    She said depending on the time she would send them home without letting them see the baby first.
    And that's her choice.
    But what about her H's choice?  

    OP, I think the best thing to do is this.  You have told them your feelings.  If they decide to come to the waiting room that is their choice and you have zero control over it.  Realize that if they have to sit and wait for X hours then that is on them.  Don't feel pressure to move things along or cut short your skin on skin for their sake.  Since you have never had kids, it all moves fast once the baby is out.. once people hear the the baby is born they want to storm in, and hold that sucker. Also people will pressure you with out realizing. she has no idea what emotions she will be feeling our how long or tired she will be.. the family needs to respect that this will pressure her and respect it, whether they think it is pressure or not she has stated it is already making her feel anxious, and that is unhealthy for her and the baby who come first no matter what in this scenario. You told them the timeline once the kid is born so if they still want to come and wait then I say let them.  I mean there is no point stressing over something that you literally cannot control. The point is the hospital has these rules for exact reason she is worried about pressure on new moms.. So she has every right to ask no one wait, and they will let them know when they are ready for visitors. her family also will not be there..


    If they do show up then I would have your H tell them "I will come and give you an update once every X hours (or whatever you two agree upon) so please do not call/text me because I will not answer."  Then stick to that. this is ideal, but family get impatient in wanting updates, and respond with questions. also shit happens and you may not be able to give updates that often. or you nap for longer..

    If for some reason you have your kid and because of the postpartum things that you will have going on will cause visiting hours to conclude, then there is NOTHING you can do about it.  Just let them know ahead of time what the hospitals visiting hours are and since you have no control over when the little one will come that they may have to wait till morning to see the baby because of hospital rules.the nurses will handle this, no worries they have no problem giving family the stink eye to push them out.. I always just let them be the bad guys ;) but why let them spend the day in the hospital when they could come when the new family is ready for visits. they will get their time with the baby, why does it have to be as soon as it breaths? it is extremely important if she wants to produce milk, to be relaxed as much as possible after the baby too.. so it is not only important for the baby to not be stressed as much as possible. if the extended family can reduce stress by waiting until they call and say we are ready why is that such a problem. as some have said, it was quicker than they thought they needed anyways. but there are some circumstances where it takes longer..

    As for the first week home just take things in stride.  Don't be afraid to ask or need help.  I would tell them that they should call first and not just show up.  But really my sister was all about doing everything herself when she had her first daughter.  At one point after another unsuccessful breastfeeding try she and the baby were bawling their eyes out.  My Mom went over to her and told her "Baby, I know you are trying to be strong and do everything but you don't have to.  I am here not just to squee over my new grandchild but to help you because you are still my baby. And me helping does not mean that I don't think you can't do this, because you can." agreed, but maybe she does take the full week and is super mom, we don't know her ability of asking for help. maybe she would call her mom for some reasons maybe she will call MIL for another.. I know one mom, who called MIL because they have 12 kids, and her mom stressed her out too much since her mom would ask every time DD cried "what do I do?".

    And finally remember that they are probably just over the moon excited (as I am sure your parents are as well) and they just want to be there for you three.  So take the help you want and walk away and take a break when you need to. best advice on board so far, do let the grandparents come over and let you and DH get out alone.. you will absolutely not want to, but for your sanity please do it!!



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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Katwag - ohmrs said the grandparents can visit the baby in the hospital.

    I think, correct me if I'm wrong ohmrs, she doesn't want to be pressured into cutting the postpartum 'cleanup' and skin to skin bonding short. She would like to let all the grandparents know when it's ok to come to the hospital. Her parents are being respectful of her wishes/his mom and sister aren't. 
    She said depending on the time she would send them home without letting them see the baby first.
    And that's her choice.
    But what about her H's choice?  

    OP, I think the best thing to do is this.  You have told them your feelings.  If they decide to come to the waiting room that is their choice and you have zero control over it.  Realize that if they have to sit and wait for X hours then that is on them.  Don't feel pressure to move things along or cut short your skin on skin for their sake.  Since you have never had kids, it all moves fast once the baby is out.. once people hear the the baby is born they want to storm in, and hold that sucker. Also people will pressure you with out realizing. she has no idea what emotions she will be feeling our how long or tired she will be.. the family needs to respect that this will pressure her and respect it, whether they think it is pressure or not she has stated it is already making her feel anxious, and that is unhealthy for her and the baby who come first no matter what in this scenario. You told them the timeline once the kid is born so if they still want to come and wait then I say let them.  I mean there is no point stressing over something that you literally cannot control. The point is the hospital has these rules for exact reason she is worried about pressure on new moms.. So she has every right to ask no one wait, and they will let them know when they are ready for visitors. her family also will not be there..


    If they do show up then I would have your H tell them "I will come and give you an update once every X hours (or whatever you two agree upon) so please do not call/text me because I will not answer."  Then stick to that. this is ideal, but family get impatient in wanting updates, and respond with questions. also shit happens and you may not be able to give updates that often. or you nap for longer..

    If for some reason you have your kid and because of the postpartum things that you will have going on will cause visiting hours to conclude, then there is NOTHING you can do about it.  Just let them know ahead of time what the hospitals visiting hours are and since you have no control over when the little one will come that they may have to wait till morning to see the baby because of hospital rules.the nurses will handle this, no worries they have no problem giving family the stink eye to push them out.. I always just let them be the bad guys ;) but why let them spend the day in the hospital when they could come when the new family is ready for visits. they will get their time with the baby, why does it have to be as soon as it breaths? it is extremely important if she wants to produce milk, to be relaxed as much as possible after the baby too.. so it is not only important for the baby to not be stressed as much as possible. if the extended family can reduce stress by waiting until they call and say we are ready why is that such a problem. as some have said, it was quicker than they thought they needed anyways. but there are some circumstances where it takes longer..

    As for the first week home just take things in stride.  Don't be afraid to ask or need help.  I would tell them that they should call first and not just show up.  But really my sister was all about doing everything herself when she had her first daughter.  At one point after another unsuccessful breastfeeding try she and the baby were bawling their eyes out.  My Mom went over to her and told her "Baby, I know you are trying to be strong and do everything but you don't have to.  I am here not just to squee over my new grandchild but to help you because you are still my baby. And me helping does not mean that I don't think you can't do this, because you can." agreed, but maybe she does take the full week and is super mom, we don't know her ability of asking for help. maybe she would call her mom for some reasons maybe she will call MIL for another.. I know one mom, who called MIL because they have 12 kids, and her mom stressed her out too much since her mom would ask every time DD cried "what do I do?".

    And finally remember that they are probably just over the moon excited (as I am sure your parents are as well) and they just want to be there for you three.  So take the help you want and walk away and take a break when you need to. best advice on board so far, do let the grandparents come over and let you and DH get out alone.. you will absolutely not want to, but for your sanity please do it!!



    I feel like you think I am trying to get OP to change her mind about certain things, when actually I am trying to help her not be as stressed or anxious regarding things that she has no control over.

    I never said she had no right to ask them not to wait, but I am saying that she ultimately has no control over what her ILs do.  So ask them not to wait, but also have a plan for if they do show up which is to have H go out there and say "I will give you an update every X hours so don't call/text because I will not answer."  And yes things could happen that could prevent her H from being out there exactly on time, but again if his parents choose to wait in the waiting room then that is their choice.  If they get impatient then that is their issue to deal with, not OPs.

    I also mentioned that she should not feel pressure if they do show up to move things along.  Hopefully her H will be smart enough to not say "Oh my parents are getting really antsy to see the baby" while she is doing her skin on skin.  Yes, they may be waiting, but it was their choice to wait and OP should not feel pressure to move things along just for their sake.  They wanted to wait so they can wait.

    I personally think basically banning them from the waiting room is just not realistic.  They have every right to wait in the waiting room (maybe they want to be there for their son just as much as they want to be there to see the baby when it is time).  That does not mean they have a right to barge into the delivery room or the birthing suite or anywhere else (I am sure hospital people would be all "uh, what the hell are you doing?").  I think if OP just accepts that they may be in the waiting room that a lot of her anxiety may disappear.  If they are there, then great, just go on with taking your time going through the different stages and then, when she is finally ready, have H pop out and tell them they can come see the baby.  Again, these people are choosing to wait so they will just have to wait until all parties are ready, whether they like it or not.

    And I never said that she may not be super Mom.  All I am saying is that she shouldn't limit or restrict herself to something or try to be super Mom when in reality she could use some help.

    I guess I am just confused about all of your responses.  My main intent was to let OP know that just because her ILs may be in the waiting room does not mean that she should feel the need to move things along for them.  She should still do her and then once she and her H are ready, then invite the parents back.

    MyNameIsNot
  • Katwag - ohmrs said the grandparents can visit the baby in the hospital.

    I think, correct me if I'm wrong ohmrs, she doesn't want to be pressured into cutting the postpartum 'cleanup' and skin to skin bonding short. She would like to let all the grandparents know when it's ok to come to the hospital. Her parents are being respectful of her wishes/his mom and sister aren't. 
    She said depending on the time she would send them home without letting them see the baby first.
    And that's her choice.
    But what about her H's choice?  

    OP, I think the best thing to do is this.  You have told them your feelings.  If they decide to come to the waiting room that is their choice and you have zero control over it.  Realize that if they have to sit and wait for X hours then that is on them.  Don't feel pressure to move things along or cut short your skin on skin for their sake.  Since you have never had kids, it all moves fast once the baby is out.. once people hear the the baby is born they want to storm in, and hold that sucker. Also people will pressure you with out realizing. she has no idea what emotions she will be feeling our how long or tired she will be.. the family needs to respect that this will pressure her and respect it, whether they think it is pressure or not she has stated it is already making her feel anxious, and that is unhealthy for her and the baby who come first no matter what in this scenario. You told them the timeline once the kid is born so if they still want to come and wait then I say let them.  I mean there is no point stressing over something that you literally cannot control. The point is the hospital has these rules for exact reason she is worried about pressure on new moms.. So she has every right to ask no one wait, and they will let them know when they are ready for visitors. her family also will not be there..


    If they do show up then I would have your H tell them "I will come and give you an update once every X hours (or whatever you two agree upon) so please do not call/text me because I will not answer."  Then stick to that. this is ideal, but family get impatient in wanting updates, and respond with questions. also shit happens and you may not be able to give updates that often. or you nap for longer..

    If for some reason you have your kid and because of the postpartum things that you will have going on will cause visiting hours to conclude, then there is NOTHING you can do about it.  Just let them know ahead of time what the hospitals visiting hours are and since you have no control over when the little one will come that they may have to wait till morning to see the baby because of hospital rules.the nurses will handle this, no worries they have no problem giving family the stink eye to push them out.. I always just let them be the bad guys ;) but why let them spend the day in the hospital when they could come when the new family is ready for visits. they will get their time with the baby, why does it have to be as soon as it breaths? it is extremely important if she wants to produce milk, to be relaxed as much as possible after the baby too.. so it is not only important for the baby to not be stressed as much as possible. if the extended family can reduce stress by waiting until they call and say we are ready why is that such a problem. as some have said, it was quicker than they thought they needed anyways. but there are some circumstances where it takes longer..

    As for the first week home just take things in stride.  Don't be afraid to ask or need help.  I would tell them that they should call first and not just show up.  But really my sister was all about doing everything herself when she had her first daughter.  At one point after another unsuccessful breastfeeding try she and the baby were bawling their eyes out.  My Mom went over to her and told her "Baby, I know you are trying to be strong and do everything but you don't have to.  I am here not just to squee over my new grandchild but to help you because you are still my baby. And me helping does not mean that I don't think you can't do this, because you can." agreed, but maybe she does take the full week and is super mom, we don't know her ability of asking for help. maybe she would call her mom for some reasons maybe she will call MIL for another.. I know one mom, who called MIL because they have 12 kids, and her mom stressed her out too much since her mom would ask every time DD cried "what do I do?".

    And finally remember that they are probably just over the moon excited (as I am sure your parents are as well) and they just want to be there for you three.  So take the help you want and walk away and take a break when you need to. best advice on board so far, do let the grandparents come over and let you and DH get out alone.. you will absolutely not want to, but for your sanity please do it!!



    I feel like you think I am trying to get OP to change her mind about certain things, when actually I am trying to help her not be as stressed or anxious regarding things that she has no control over.

    I never said she had no right to ask them not to wait, but I am saying that she ultimately has no control over what her ILs do.  So ask them not to wait, but also have a plan for if they do show up which is to have H go out there and say "I will give you an update every X hours so don't call/text because I will not answer."  And yes things could happen that could prevent her H from being out there exactly on time, but again if his parents choose to wait in the waiting room then that is their choice.  If they get impatient then that is their issue to deal with, not OPs.

    I also mentioned that she should not feel pressure if they do show up to move things along.  Hopefully her H will be smart enough to not say "Oh my parents are getting really antsy to see the baby" while she is doing her skin on skin.  Yes, they may be waiting, but it was their choice to wait and OP should not feel pressure to move things along just for their sake.  They wanted to wait so they can wait.

    I personally think basically banning them from the waiting room is just not realistic.  They have every right to wait in the waiting room (maybe they want to be there for their son just as much as they want to be there to see the baby when it is time).  That does not mean they have a right to barge into the delivery room or the birthing suite or anywhere else (I am sure hospital people would be all "uh, what the hell are you doing?").  I think if OP just accepts that they may be in the waiting room that a lot of her anxiety may disappear.  If they are there, then great, just go on with taking your time going through the different stages and then, when she is finally ready, have H pop out and tell them they can come see the baby.  Again, these people are choosing to wait so they will just have to wait until all parties are ready, whether they like it or not.

    And I never said that she may not be super Mom.  All I am saying is that she shouldn't limit or restrict herself to something or try to be super Mom when in reality she could use some help.

    I guess I am just confused about all of your responses.  My main intent was to let OP know that just because her ILs may be in the waiting room does not mean that she should feel the need to move things along for them.  She should still do her and then once she and her H are ready, then invite the parents back.
    You missed the point that I am saying, everyone has a different threshold of pressure. while you may not care that people are waiting, and will take the time you need (your choice).. there are people who don't like to have people waiting around, and will sacrifice the time they really wanted or needed to not have someone waiting anymore. Also going in to this you think DH wont say stupid things, but he has no idea the emotions that are happening with in a woman that is having/just had a baby, and what will not typically bother her, but might in that moment.. She wont even know what, or how long she needs to feel ready for visitors. So while it may not seem like a big deal that they are out there to you, it sounds like it is already an issue to her, and she isn't in the hospital yet.

    Also coming from the experience of people in the waiting room that do just barge in, the hospital doesn't usually care about any of that except when visiting hours start and end. I have heard many horror stories of FIL's walking in at the absolute wrong moment, and MIL getting too close and personal. saying you don't want anyone waiting and calling them when your ready also gives the doctors to finish your and the baby's testing so you don't have to push them out every 5 minutes when the nurses decide you get to use the toilet for the first time..

    Telling them that you don't want them to wait, and will call when they are ready is also for the extended family as much as it is for the new family. if the doctors are done and not interrupting then there is less going on so that the new family can actually visit. And the family can call the grandparents first, then aunts and uncles, then friends if they want.. so that everyone doesn't come at once and spends all the time waiting because a lot of hospitals also have a limit to how many can be in the room with you.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    You missed the point that I am saying, everyone has a different threshold of pressure. while you may not care that people are waiting, and will take the time you need (your choice).. there are people who don't like to have people waiting around, and will sacrifice the time they really wanted or needed to not have someone waiting anymore. Also going in to this you think DH wont say stupid things, but he has no idea the emotions that are happening with in a woman that is having/just had a baby, and what will not typically bother her, but might in that moment.. She wont even know what, or how long she needs to feel ready for visitors. So while it may not seem like a big deal that they are out there to you, it sounds like it is already an issue to her, and she isn't in the hospital yet.

    Also coming from the experience of people in the waiting room that do just barge in, the hospital doesn't usually care about any of that except when visiting hours start and end. I have heard many horror stories of FIL's walking in at the absolute wrong moment, and MIL getting too close and personal. saying you don't want anyone waiting and calling them when your ready also gives the doctors to finish your and the baby's testing so you don't have to push them out every 5 minutes when the nurses decide you get to use the toilet for the first time..

    Telling them that you don't want them to wait, and will call when they are ready is also for the extended family as much as it is for the new family. if the doctors are done and not interrupting then there is less going on so that the new family can actually visit. And the family can call the grandparents first, then aunts and uncles, then friends if they want.. so that everyone doesn't come at once and spends all the time waiting because a lot of hospitals also have a limit to how many can be in the room with you.
    But what I think you are missing is that you cannot control the actions of others, regardless of how much you want to.  The only thing you can do is control your reaction.  So instead of stressing over if they are in the waiting room (or whatever else) OP should be focusing on herself and keeping herself calm and forgetting about those who may or may not be waiting.  Life never goes as we have planned so the best thing to do is figure out a way to cope when what you want and ask does not actually happen.

    So yes, OP can tell them and ask them all she wants.  But in the end, these people are going to do what they want to do.  Does it suck if they don't respect her and her H's wishes?  Sure.  But apart from calling hospital security to remove them, she may just need to accept that they may be there and then just focus on the more important aspect of delivering her baby.

    I realize OP has anxiety issues but you can't go about fixing those issues by trying to control others.

    STARMOON44julieanne912PrettyGirlLostMyNameIsNot
  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    I don't feel any pressure to change my mind LOL. I appreciate all the advice being given.

    Having them there and me not knowing could work because I know he will be on call for work and telecommuting so he will need his phone and such. But I also know when he's stressed by work and by his family based on how we interact so I feel like depending on his temperament I might be able to tell when it's his parents texting or his job.

    But luckily I have a little more time to figure all this out.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    ohmrs2014 said:
    I don't feel any pressure to change my mind LOL. I appreciate all the advice being given. Having them there and me not knowing could work because I know he will be on call for work and telecommuting so he will need his phone and such. But I also know when he's stressed by work and by his family based on how we interact so I feel like depending on his temperament I might be able to tell when it's his parents texting or his job. But luckily I have a little more time to figure all this out.
    And you may be having a lot of other things on your mind at that moment, you know being in labor and all, so you may not even notice or care.

    And personally, like another poster said, I give credit to anyone who has been pregnant and given birth.  It scares the bejeezus out of me.  I mean you are growing a human, that is crazy and amazing and all the other words that I can't think of.  So I think any time you start stressing about things, just touch your belly and think about that little one who you will get to see and hold soon.  I bet that will take your mind off your worries and put a smile on your face.

    kimmiinthemitten
  • edited October 2015
    *Lurking TTC'er here*

    Very interesting discussion.  When I first read the OP, my response would have been pretty hard-line.  "I think it's really inappropriate that your ILs are thinking of showing up to the hospital not only uninvited by the parents to be but actually against your wishes".  Waiting room or parking lot, having people there who you don't want there would annoy the shit out of me.  It just seems incredibly presumptuous.  It's a private time, and you and your husband should be left alone IMO until you are ready for visitors.    

    I think you got really great advice, OP and I don't have much to add since I've never been in your position.  I've become an auntie three times and have never come to the hospital until expressly invited by SIL.  Maybe it would be different if I had a sister who gave birth but I didn't.  Just a bro.  However, we were raised offer help to new moms (friends, cousins) but to never visit until invited or until we knew the new parents were accepting visitors.  

    I understand the grandparents' excitement to see the baby asap but frankly, they already had their time to be visitor #1 with a baby - their own.  Now it's your turn and I think you should take all the time you need to bond with your baby, hosting immediate family when you feel physically and emotionally ready.  Your body, your birth, your choice.  My family wouldn't dream of coming to the hospital until asked.  If we are fortunate enough to have a child, I can tell you no one will be invited to the hospital until after the baby is born.  I can't understand why your ILs wouldn't see that adding a layer of anxiety to an already high stress event is the incorrect thing to do.  

    Good luck, I hope you have a very healthy delivery.  
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  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    They want to be there for him in case he needs anything, which don't get me wrong I understand to an extent.

    Sure, if he wants food he can go into the cafeteria and grab something or have something delivered to the room from the cafe or from the outside. But I don't think there's anything they can really do for him because he's not the one in labor.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I still don't understand why OP's mom is going to the first ped visit. Did we get an answer to that one?
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  • KatWAG said:
    I still don't understand why OP's mom is going to the first ped visit. Did we get an answer to that one?

    Mom is going to be the primary caretaker for OP's kid while OP is working and OP wants her to be able meet the doctor so she can take the kid to doctor's appointments.  
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