Tiered Reception - The right way to do it?

Knottie1438728099 · October 2015

My fiancé and I work for separate small companies, but in the same work space. We know we'll have to invite everyone from both of our offices to the wedding (about 50 people), but our goal from the beginning was to keep the wedding intimate so we could bond with our families and close friends. So I heard of a tiered reception and how they're becoming more and more common.

Here's how I've planned it...

- Family, all out of town guests, and our best friends are invited to the ceremony (1pm Catholic wedding) and then to the reception space for cocktail hour/dinner and speeches (starting at 5:30). That'll be about 150 people.

- After dinner is over we'll clear the space and invite all of our in-town friends, neighbors, co-workers to join us for the dancing and desserts portion (starting at 7:30). The bar will be open, the DJ will have just started, and I've set up a large dessert bar so that they won't feel like they've missed out on special treatment. Oh! And everyone will be allowed to bring a +1.

Our wedding is also over 4th of July weekend, so I thought our in town guests would maybe appreciate us not taking up their entire day, and they'd just like to party with us at night with treats and free booze.

I know it's a fine line and lots of people think this is rude, but I'm hoping to make everyone feel special.

My questions:

1. How do I do Save the Dates? My idea is to send a StD to the people invited to the whole thing, and then a card that says to "Save the Evening" for a dancing event to the in-town guests.

2. Has anyone done this and have recommendations on how to make this go seamlessly?

Thanks!

redoryx · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

My fiancé and I work for separate small companies, but in the same work space. We know we'll have to invite everyone from both of our offices to the wedding (about 50 people), but our goal from the beginning was to keep the wedding intimate so we could bond with our families and close friends. So I heard of a tiered reception and how they're becoming more and more common.
Here's how I've planned it...
- Family, all out of town guests, and our best friends are invited to the ceremony (1pm Catholic wedding) and then to the reception space for cocktail hour/dinner and speeches (starting at 5:30). That'll be about 150 people.
- After dinner is over we'll clear the space and invite all of our in-town friends, neighbors, co-workers to join us for the dancing and desserts portion (starting at 7:30). The bar will be open, the DJ will have just started, and I've set up a large dessert bar so that they won't feel like they've missed out on special treatment. Oh! And everyone will be allowed to bring a +1.
Our wedding is also over 4th of July weekend, so I thought our in town guests would maybe appreciate us not taking up their entire day, and they'd just like to party with us at night with treats and free booze.
I know it's a fine line and lots of people think this is rude, but I'm hoping to make everyone feel special.
My questions:
1. How do I do Save the Dates? My idea is to send a StD to the people invited to the whole thing, and then a card that says to "Save the Evening" for a dancing event to the in-town guests.
2. Has anyone done this and have recommendations on how to make this go seamlessly?
Thanks!

To answer your question in the subject line:

No. No there is no right way to do a tiered reception. They are terribly rude and should be avoided, as should the gap between your 1pm ceremony and 5:30 reception.

falsara · October 2015

Tiered receptions may be more popular now, but they are also very rude to your guests. Don't do this. It is a huge etiquette no-no. Invite everyone to all parts or pare down the lists and not invite any co-workers.

nerdwife · October 2015

Everyone on here is going to tell you this is a bad idea. It's against etiquette, it's rude, and people's feelings will be hurt. Throw the wedding you can afford and want to have within reason - so either one big party that everyone is invited to or a small one. You just can't have it both ways.

I'm also not sure what "keep the wedding small so we can bond with our families and close friends" means exactly. If you're looking for small and intimate, have that. If you just want to spend quality time with your family, have a barbecue.

Maggie0829 · October 2015

The only right way to have a tiered reception is by NOT having one.

mileybangerz · October 2015

You want to make everyone feel special? Then treat them all the same.

southernbelle0915 · October 2015

Well since this is on the etiquette board, I'll assume you want to follow good etiquette. So here you go:

- gaps are rude
- tiered receptions are rude

So you shouldn't do either if you want to follow good etiquette. If I were you, I'd just nix inviting co-workers unless you can afford to host all of them and their plus ones for the whole thing. All your guests should get the same treatment.

banana468 · October 2015

There is no good way to do this. I'm not sure why you think you *have* to invite all your coworkers. I worked for a small company when I got married and I didn't invite them.

You need to decide which is more important: having all the people at your wedding or having an intimate wedding. You can't pick both.

Remember, your wedding is in a Catholic church so I presume one or both of you are Catholic. Part of being a good Christian is following the golden rule. Tiered receptions are pretty much the opposite of that.

Also, you need to fix that horrendous gap that you have. A 1 PM wedding should be followed by a reception that starts no later than 3 PM. And that assumes a long-winded priest, a receiving line and a 20 minute drive to your reception venue. Remember, your guests are your guests from the time your ceremony starts until your reception ends. They shouldn't be left all dressed up with nowhere to go.

thespeshulestsnowflake · October 2015

How is a 150 person wedding ceremony "intimate"?

lyndausvi · October 2015

150 people is intimate? Really? At that point is an extra 50 people really a big deal?

Oh and tiered receptions are rude.

Oh #2 90% of the wedding I work run late. 2 hours for cocktail hour, dinner and speeches might be cutting it close. People the dancing portion might start showing up at 7:15pm. How awkward would it be to show up and the other 2/3rd of the guests are still eating?

lembaslover · October 2015

There isn't a right way to do it... If I'm only invited to dessert/dancing I'm going to feel like I'm not important enough to you. Do you really want to do this to your coworkers, the people you spend like 80% of your time with? I wouldn't...

Get rid of the gap while you're at it. If I see a gap for anything more than 2 hours I'm skipping the ceremony... You're not going to take up my whole day. It's incredibly rude to think that is ok. Don't use the catholic excuse either, there are many people on this board who have had catholic ceremonies and still didn't have a gap. It can be done it's just a matter of if you're willing to do it.

Also I just want to point out that you say you want an intimate wedding and yet you say 150 people will be attending your ceremony/dinner. I realize there's some room for what different people define intimate but once you get over 100 people you can't say it's intimate. Honestly to me over 50 people is pushing the definition of intimate.

Knottie1438728099 · October 2015

We're both from out of town and we had to invite all out of town guest to the whole thing. I'm not just inviting them to the party. Parents have a large guest list. They're paying.

peachy13 · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

My fiancé and I work for separate small companies, but in the same work space. We know we'll have to invite everyone from both of our offices to the wedding (about 50 people), but our goal from the beginning was to keep the wedding intimate so we could bond with our families and close friends. So I heard of a tiered reception and how they're becoming more and more common.
Here's how I've planned it...
- Family, all out of town guests, and our best friends are invited to the ceremony (1pm Catholic wedding) and then to the reception space for cocktail hour/dinner and speeches (starting at 5:30). That'll be about 150 people.
- After dinner is over we'll clear the space and invite all of our in-town friends, neighbors, co-workers to join us for the dancing and desserts portion (starting at 7:30). The bar will be open, the DJ will have just started, and I've set up a large dessert bar so that they won't feel like they've missed out on special treatment. Oh! And everyone will be allowed to bring a +1.
Our wedding is also over 4th of July weekend, so I thought our in town guests would maybe appreciate us not taking up their entire day, and they'd just like to party with us at night with treats and free booze.
I know it's a fine line and lots of people think this is rude, but I'm hoping to make everyone feel special.
My questions:
1. How do I do Save the Dates? My idea is to send a StD to the people invited to the whole thing, and then a card that says to "Save the Evening" for a dancing event to the in-town guests.
2. Has anyone done this and have recommendations on how to make this go seamlessly?
Thanks!

Your first group (family, OOT guests, and best friends) are the VIP group, your second group (in-town guests, neighbors, co-workers) are the not-as-important group. It's obvious to us reading this and it will be obvious to your guests if you choose to do this. Do not treat any of your guests as second-rate. A fucking dessert bar isn't going to un-hurt their feelings.

lyndausvi · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

We're both from out of town and we had to invite all out of town guest to the whole thing. I'm not just inviting them to the party. Parents have a large guest list. They're paying.

psst: everyone should be invited to the whole thing. Always.

mileybangerz · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

We're both from out of town and we had to invite all out of town guest to the whole thing. I'm not just inviting them to the party. Parents have a large guest list. They're paying.

Doesn't matter.

Damage control ... have you sent out save-the-dates? Have you promised invitations to all 150 people?

banana468 · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

We're both from out of town and we had to invite all out of town guest to the whole thing. I'm not just inviting them to the party. Parents have a large guest list. They're paying.

Then either tell them thanks but no thanks or shorten the guest list.

I can tell you that I'll find my rear end more chapped than it is after a stomach virus if I was your coworker or an in town friend.

And aside from that, I'd be really wary of treating your coworkers like 2nd class citizens. Many understand not being invited to a wedding. Few understand being treated like crap. And when I want to advance in my career, I try not to treat people like crap along the way.

NowIAmSyp · October 2015

Can someone PLEASE take over @beethery 's role with the big, purple spinning NO?

Knottie1438728099 · October 2015

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway.

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.

NowIAmSyp · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway.

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.

Au contraire, my dear. You ARE getting helpful insight- you just don't want to deal with it:

- no gaps (or at the very least, no unhosted gaps)

- no tiering

mileybangerz · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway.

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.

lyndausvi · October 2015

This is an etiquette board. We are here to give advice on proper etiquette. What you are proposing is not proper, thus you are not going to get the advice you want here.

Sorrynotsorry.

peachy13 · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway.

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.

Why would you post on the etiquette board then? If everyone here is telling you that what you have planned is going against etiquette, why bother posting if it's happening anyway? You planned your wedding poorly and you are sorting your guests into groups of a) important and b) not as important. You know this is rude.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway.

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.

You're in the wrong place for that. We aren't going to have any helpful insights, other than do not have a tiered reception because it is rude.

Maggie0829 · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway.

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.

How many times and different ways can we tell you that what you are planning is rude?! There is no "best way to do it."

And since it is obvious that you are going to do it anyways, why not just figure it out yourself.

ShesSoCold · October 2015

Hey guys, I'm gunna cheat on my husband. Should I pick up a guy in a bar or online?

levioosa · October 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Hey guys, I'm gunna cheat on my husband. Should I pick up a guy in a bar or online?

In a bar. Ashley Madison has proved it can't be trusted.

Jen4948 · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

My fiancé and I work for separate small companies, but in the same work space. We know we'll have to invite everyone from both of our offices to the wedding (about 50 people), but our goal from the beginning was to keep the wedding intimate so we could bond with our families and close friends. So I heard of a tiered reception and how they're becoming more and more common.
Here's how I've planned it...
- Family, all out of town guests, and our best friends are invited to the ceremony (1pm Catholic wedding) and then to the reception space for cocktail hour/dinner and speeches (starting at 5:30). That'll be about 150 people.
- After dinner is over we'll clear the space and invite all of our in-town friends, neighbors, co-workers to join us for the dancing and desserts portion (starting at 7:30). The bar will be open, the DJ will have just started, and I've set up a large dessert bar so that they won't feel like they've missed out on special treatment. Oh! And everyone will be allowed to bring a +1.
Our wedding is also over 4th of July weekend, so I thought our in town guests would maybe appreciate us not taking up their entire day, and they'd just like to party with us at night with treats and free booze.
I know it's a fine line and lots of people think this is rude, but I'm hoping to make everyone feel special.
My questions:
1. How do I do Save the Dates? My idea is to send a StD to the people invited to the whole thing, and then a card that says to "Save the Evening" for a dancing event to the in-town guests.
2. Has anyone done this and have recommendations on how to make this go seamlessly?
Thanks!

No. It's rude. Invite everyone at one time or not at all.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:
The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway.

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.

I'm a young person. Evolving even. My wedding will be full of TARDISes and other trendy accents. But it will still be a properly hosted affair where everyone will be treated equally.

Evolving doesn't mean rude. It certainly doesn't mean letting people know that they're not important to you, probably while still expecting gifts.

banana468 · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway.

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.

I go to lots of weddings. I also don't like to be treated poorly. I may tell you, "Hooray! I don't have to 'sit through' this because what I'm not wanting to say is, "Are you that daft? Why am I going to put you on the planning committee at work when you can't handle the correct way to plan your own freakin' wedding?"

You're confusing tradition with etiquette.

Tradition: Wedding in a church and you wear a white dress / groom in a tux. Then you immediately leave for the reception at a country club with prime rib dinner and a band.

New tradition: Wedding in a church where you wear a regular dress and the groom is in a suit. Your sit down reception has stations and a mac and cheese bar.

Etiquette no no: Catholic ceremony followed by 3 hour gap and some guests aren't invited to attend until after dinner.

Etiquette OK: Catholic ceremony for all guests followed by a small plate reception that has appetizers and cake and alcohol for ALL the guests and the reception immediately follows the wedding.

levioosa · October 2015

Oh, and to the OP. I didn't even have to read your post to say that: it's rude, it's always been rude, and it will always be rude.

I did actually read your post, btw. Still a shitty way to treat people. And I'm saying that as someone who has been a "VIP" invited to the whole portion of a tiered wedding while watching those who "didn't make the cut" get invited to parts. Super shitty way to treat people. Etiquette is not about tradition, it's about treating people right. You seem very confused on that point. And just because you didn't hear what you wanted to hear doesn't mean we're wrong or that you should ignore our advice. I'm a young person too, btw. We still think splitting people up by importance is shitty.

drunkenwitch · October 2015

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway.

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.

Holy shit, weddings are evolving? when the fuck did that happen?

Have they developed speech yet? How about thumbs? Have they started using tools? Do weddings have a hive mind mentality or are they individuals. And why is no one else worried about this?

Tiered Reception - The right way to do it?

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