Tiered Reception - The right way to do it?

mileybangerz · October 2015

Everyone:

anjemon · October 2015

I attended a tiered reception around 4 years ago. I was sort of young (25) and I didn't know it was against etiquette. But I still thought it was really icky and rude of them to invite H (who lived in a different town) and not invite us to the dinner. I was happy to have a chance to dress up with my then-BF, but I thought it was seriously strange.

Even young people can know it was wrong. Now I would just decline and H and I would sit at home in our comfy clothes and have fun.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

NO! I was just at a wedding that was tiered and it created WAY more problems then solved them. Not to mention a TON of hard feelings that were voiced at the reception. Why create that stress.. And why even do this? If they aren't close enough to come to ceremony and dinner then they aren't close period. How is that hard to understand??? Just because you are FB friends with someone or you were in HS and haven't spoken to since doesn't mean they need an invite.

ALSO I want to add:

Being young is NO excuse for being classless and tacky. Nor should you speak for all young people. Many young people know the difference between rude and not.

monniiauddii · October 2015

So I get that my experiences and culture is WAY different than most of ya'll here, but I don't see whats so rude about a tiered wedding or hosting multiple receptions? I feel like many of you don't give your guest enough credit when it comes to being reasonable.

Tiered receptions allow for an extended amount of friends and family to come celebrate your day with you who might not be able to fit in the ceremony space or feel comfortable at your ceremony (due to religious or cultural reasons)

FH and I found it much easier to just invite our close family to the ceremony and then open up our celebration to all our loved ones who wanted to join us. My friends are pretty good at expressing when they're hurt about something and so far everyone seems happy.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

monniiauddii said:

So I get that my experiences and culture is WAY different than most of ya'll here, but I don't see whats so rude about a tiered wedding or hosting multiple receptions? I feel like many of you don't give your guest enough credit when it comes to being reasonable.

Tiered receptions allow for an extended amount of friends and family to come celebrate your day with you who might not be able to fit in the ceremony space or feel comfortable at your ceremony (due to religious or cultural reasons)

FH and I found it much easier to just invite our close family to the ceremony and then open up our celebration to all our loved ones who wanted to join us. My friends are pretty good at expressing when they're hurt about something and so far everyone seems happy.

I'm not sure what culture you're referring to, but I'd say this is a special case. I would forgive tiers for religious reasons, but that's about it. And not everyone would agree even there.

monniiauddii · October 2015

To each their own I always say. There are serval First Nation, Asian and African cultures were only close family are invited to the wedding ceremonies and then a reception is held afterwards for everyone else. This notion that its rude to only invite someone to one part of your wedding is a very Eurocentric idea, so I understand why it seems so off to a lot of you and even rude. But America is made up of a lot of different and diverse people with different cultures and this method ( for lack of a better word?) works out well for tons of family--even for those who are just adopting the participate.

lyndausvi · October 2015

monniiauddii said:

To each their own I always say. There are serval First Nation, Asian and African cultures were only close family are invited to the wedding ceremonies and then a reception is held afterwards for everyone else. This notion that its rude to only invite someone to one part of your wedding is a very Eurocentric idea, so I understand why it seems so off to a lot of you and even rude. But America is made up of a lot of different and diverse people with different cultures and this method ( for lack of a better word?) works out well for tons of family--even for those who are just adopting the participate.

I have no problem with a small ceremony and larger reception.

What I do have a problem with is inviting 1 group of people for the dinner reception and then a few hours later invited additional people to join the rest and party.

That is what I consider a tiered reception.

banana468 · October 2015

monniiauddii said:
To each their own I always say. There are serval First Nation, Asian and African cultures were only close family are invited to the wedding ceremonies and then a reception is held afterwards for everyone else. This notion that its rude to only invite someone to one part of your wedding is a very Eurocentric idea, so I understand why it seems so off to a lot of you and even rude. But America is made up of a lot of different and diverse people with different cultures and this method ( for lack of a better word?) works out well for tons of family--even for those who are just adopting the participate.

I can't get behind the idea that I'm close enough to celebrate you and buy you gifts but you think I'm not worthy of the same food as the rest of the people.

If I'm not invited to the ceremony because I'm not Mormon I'm fine with that.

I'm not fine with being asked to show up after your A level friends got to eat dinner.

monniiauddii · October 2015

It all just depends on your guest I guess.

I personally feel honored any time I get invited to a wedding, whether I'm invited to the whole celebration or just part of it. After all, I don't attend someone wedding for dinner, notoriety or some sort of validation of a friendship, I come to show my support the union that was just form in whatever way the couple deems appropriate.

Not trying to say that you don't have a right to feel offended or hurt by a tiered reception if you do, because thats apart of your culture and how you were raised, just saying that it's not apart of everyone's culture and therefore not necessarily rude.

lyndausvi · October 2015

Meh, I can celebrate a union with my friends without being there. I think it's rude to host 2 sets of guests differently THE SAME DAY/NIGHT.

If they decided to invite me to a cookout the next day to celebrate, I would be good.

IDK, it's weird to walk into a room where people are already there, sometimes finishing up their meals because dinner lasted longer then the anticipated. And yes, that happens often. The party people do not even gets seats.

You are better off to make them completely separate. Different days would be ideal, but if it's on the same day at least make the "party" portion a completely different location.

banana468 · October 2015

monniiauddii said:
It all just depends on your guest I guess.

I personally feel honored any time I get invited to a wedding, whether I'm invited to the whole celebration or just part of it. After all, I don't attend someone wedding for dinner, notoriety or some sort of validation of a friendship, I come to show my support the union that was just form in whatever way the couple deems appropriate.

Not trying to say that you don't have a right to feel offended or hurt by a tiered reception if you do, because thats apart of your culture and how you were raised, just saying that it's not apart of everyone's culture and therefore not necessarily rude.

I wouldn't invite you to my party once it's half over. That's how it appears to me.

I'd rather just hang out with you on another day than get the consolation invitation.

artbyallie · October 2015

monniiauddii said:

It all just depends on your guest I guess.

I personally feel honored any time I get invited to a wedding, whether I'm invited to the whole celebration or just part of it. After all, I don't attend someone wedding for dinner, notoriety or some sort of validation of a friendship, I come to show my support the union that was just form in whatever way the couple deems appropriate.

Not trying to say that you don't have a right to feel offended or hurt by a tiered reception if you do, because thats apart of your culture and how you were raised, just saying that it's not apart of everyone's culture and therefore not necessarily rude.

It doesn't matter what you or any individual feels. It is unfair and stupid and unequivocally RUDE to rank one's guests with some kind of fucking caste system over a damn wedding. No one is that fucking important that they can't just host their guests equally and the bottom-tier folks will be thrilled with the scraps flung their way. NO.

mileybangerz · October 2015

monniiauddii said:
It all just depends on your guest I guess.

I personally feel honored any time I get invited to a wedding, whether I'm invited to the whole celebration or just part of it. After all, I don't attend someone wedding for dinner, notoriety or some sort of validation of a friendship, I come to show my support the union that was just form in whatever way the couple deems appropriate.

Not trying to say that you don't have a right to feel offended or hurt by a tiered reception if you do, because thats apart of your culture and how you were raised, just saying that it's not apart of everyone's culture and therefore not necessarily rude.

You're a peach

climbingsingle · October 2015

Would you throw a dinner party and tell some of of the guests they could only show up at 9pm once dinner was over? That they'd be welcome for just dessert and that's it? Hopefully you wouldn't do that, because it's fucking rude and tacky. A wedding is no different.

ILoveBeachMusic · October 2015

I think @monniiauddii is talking about an entirely different kind of "tiered" reception than the OP. I think she is talking about an Asian wedding that takes place over several days that people are invited to different parts of it. The OP is talking about a ceremony, dinner and dance in the same day, tiering it to save money not as part of her culturally accepted norms. As I have said in previous threads, I think we need to respect other cultures norms in their place and not expect people to change their culture to reflect ours.

MGP · October 2015

monniiauddii said:
It all just depends on your guest I guess.

I personally feel honored any time I get invited to a wedding, whether I'm invited to the whole celebration or just part of it. After all, I don't attend someone wedding for dinner, notoriety or some sort of validation of a friendship, I come to show my support the union that was just form in whatever way the couple deems appropriate.

Not trying to say that you don't have a right to feel offended or hurt by a tiered reception if you do, because thats apart of your culture and how you were raised, just saying that it's not apart of everyone's culture and therefore not necessarily rude.

For fucks sake, stop talking. Please.

monniiauddii · October 2015

@ILoveBeachMusic: That is partially what I was talking about. Our wedding is taking place over serval days and only family is allowed for some of the ceremonies. However I get that others do it to save money for a celebration on the same day. Either way, I personally just find it silly to get upset about how a couple decides to organize their union.

And @MGP: I don't know you or what you're going through, but you can get over yourself. People are different and not everyone has to conform to what makes you happy, espically if they don't know you dear.

CMGragain · October 2015

There are special cultural boards on The Knot where you can discuss traditions that differ from Western wedding traditions. Please do it there, not here.

drunkenwitch · October 2015

monniiauddii said:
@ILoveBeachMusic: That is partially what I was talking about. Our wedding is taking place over serval days and only family is allowed for some of the ceremonies. However I get that others do it to save money for a celebration on the same day. Either way, I personally just find it silly to get upset about how a couple decides to organize their union.

And @MGP: I don't know you or what you're going through, but you can get over yourself. People are different and not everyone has to conform to what makes you happy, espically if they don't know you dear.

Get your bingo cards ready!

artbyallie · October 2015

monniiauddii said:

@ILoveBeachMusic: That is partially what I was talking about. Our wedding is taking place over serval days and only family is allowed for some of the ceremonies. However I get that others do it to save money for a celebration on the same day. Either way, I personally just find it silly to get upset about how a couple decides to organize their union.

And @MGP: I don't know you or what you're going through, but you can get over yourself. People are different and not everyone has to conform to what makes you happy, espically if they don't know you dear.

And now it comes out. "I'm okay with it because I'm planning to do it."

Heffalump · October 2015

monniiauddii said:

@ILoveBeachMusic: That is partially what I was talking about. Our wedding is taking place over serval days and only family is allowed for some of the ceremonies. However I get that others do it to save money for a celebration on the same day. Either way, I personally just find it silly to get upset about how a couple decides to organize their union.

And @MGP: I don't know you or what you're going through, but you can get over yourself. People are different and not everyone has to conform to what makes you happy, espically if they don't know you dear.

I do agree with both @ILoveBeachMusic and @MGP. In some cultures, it's customary to invite close family to the ceremony and then have a larger reception. I don't think most people are arguing against that. It's splitting your guests up for financial reasons and saying "We can afford to host some people for the entire evening, but we can only pay for you to have cake after dinner is already over. But please bring a gift anyway!" that comes off as offensive. That's not Eurocentric, that's guest centric. Which is pretty much the point of etiquette, and of hosting guests.

People who don't want to host their guests properly don't need to throw a party--nowhere does it say that your marriage is only valid if you serve dinner (for some guests, anyway) and have a DJ and dancing and cake. If you choose the hoopla (which is totally fine--I did), it comes with responsibilities to your guests. If you can't (or don't want to) take on those responsibilities, elope and call it a day. You're still married, either way.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

monniiauddii said:

To each their own I always say. There are serval First Nation, Asian and African cultures were only close family are invited to the wedding ceremonies and then a reception is held afterwards for everyone else. This notion that its rude to only invite someone to one part of your wedding is a very Eurocentric idea, so I understand why it seems so off to a lot of you and even rude. But America is made up of a lot of different and diverse people with different cultures and this method ( for lack of a better word?) works out well for tons of family--even for those who are just adopting the participate.

Except that 9 times out of 10 the bride or groom who posts on here wanting to have a tired reception is of a European background and they are doing it not because of any religious customs, but because they can't really afford to host every guest they want to invite to a full meal and cocktail hour. That's where the issue is.

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think @monniiauddii is talking about an entirely different kind of "tiered" reception than the OP. I think she is talking about an Asian wedding that takes place over several days that people are invited to different parts of it. The OP is talking about a ceremony, dinner and dance in the same day, tiering it to save money not as part of her culturally accepted norms. As I have said in previous threads, I think we need to respect other cultures norms in their place and not expect people to change their culture to reflect ours.

Um, that's not what's going on in this thread at all. You even stated as much in the 1st lines of your post.

monniiauddii · October 2015

Oh dang missed that auto correct @PrettyGirlLost lol. Meant ethnocentric not Eurocentric. A lot of European cultures actually do tiered style weddings.

And from the get go I've been up front about only having family come to the ceremonies. It would be SUPER awkward for a lot of my friends to attend one of them, and there is no way that 300 people are coming into our ceremony space (our close family is big enough as it is). Our guests are okay with this because most people are less petty than ya'll give them credit for.

As for the OP, they said that they only wanted people that they were close with being there to ring in their union but were still treating the rest of their guest. Seems like there's a pretty set time line for events, so the idea that guest will be walking in awkwardly on the dinner seems unlikely. OP never asked if ya'll thought it was rude either. They even stated that they knew most of you think it's rude but this is how they want to go about it anyways.

aurianna · October 2015

monniiauddii said:

As for the OP, they said that they only wanted people that they were close with being there to ring in their union but were still treating the rest of their guest. Seems like there's a pretty set time line for events, so the idea that guest will be walking in awkwardly on the dinner seems unlikely. OP never asked if ya'll thought it was rude either. They even stated that they knew most of you think it's rude but this is how they want to go about it anyways.

It's an etiquette board. It doesn't matter what the OP asks for. Other people read these threads besides the OP, so if we see something that's rude, we're going to point it out.

banana468 · October 2015

monniiauddii said:
Oh dang missed that auto correct @PrettyGirlLost lol. Meant ethnocentric not Eurocentric. A lot of European cultures actually do tiered style weddings.

And from the get go I've been up front about only having family come to the ceremonies. It would be SUPER awkward for a lot of my friends to attend one of them, and there is no way that 300 people are coming into our ceremony space (our close family is big enough as it is). Our guests are okay with this because most people are less petty than ya'll give them credit for.
As for the OP, they said that they only wanted people that they were close with being there to ring in their union but were still treating the rest of their guest. Seems like there's a pretty set time line for events, so the idea that guest will be walking in awkwardly on the dinner seems unlikely. OP never asked if ya'll thought it was rude either. They even stated that they knew most of you think it's rude but this is how they want to go about it anyways.

That's like saying "I beat my kids before dinner. Should I use pepper in the pasta sauce?" And I don't care if you think that's a bad thing.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

monniiauddii said:

Oh dang missed that auto correct @PrettyGirlLost lol. Meant ethnocentric not Eurocentric. A lot of European cultures actually do tiered style weddings.

And from the get go I've been up front about only having family come to the ceremonies. It would be SUPER awkward for a lot of my friends to attend one of them, and there is no way that 300 people are coming into our ceremony space (our close family is big enough as it is). Our guests are okay with this because most people are less petty than ya'll give them credit for.
As for the OP, they said that they only wanted people that they were close with being there to ring in their union but were still treating the rest of their guest. Seems like there's a pretty set time line for events, so the idea that guest will be walking in awkwardly on the dinner seems unlikely. OP never asked if ya'll thought it was rude either. They even stated that they knew most of you think it's rude but this is how they want to go about it anyways.

And a lot of people from those European cultures claim they find them rude and that they are not a cultural thing. That's why i have a hard time when people say thus and such thing that most people perceive is rude is a cultural thing or regional thing.

MandyMost · October 2015

In a "traditional modern American wedding" the events last throughout the weekend. For my wedding, for example, we started on Friday and had lunch, then got our nails done, then had a rehearsal dinner, then on Saturday we had breakfast, then a big group of people getting ready together, then photos, then the wedding and reception, and then on Sunday we had brunch. Different people were invited to different events during the weekend.

This is the counterpart, to me, to a traditional non-Western wedding where there are events and ceremonies that last for days. Of course different people will come to different parts of it.

These are totally different situations than a tiered event. In the Western world you get ONE wedding event (the ceremony and reception) and you get ONE vision and guest list for that wedding. Yes, it's really really really really hard to choose how you want it to go. But you have to make a choice. You're getting married, you're an adult, and adults have to make hard choices all the time. You can't have everything. And when you try to have anything you end up making yourself look like a tacky, self-absorbed bitch who people will be talking about behind your back, whether you know it or not.

kkitkat79 · October 2015

CMGragain said:

There are special cultural boards on The Knot where you can discuss traditions that differ from Western wedding traditions. Please do it there, not here.

What's wrong with discussing it here?

lyndausvi · October 2015

Once again I will say I have zero problem with different people attending the ceremony and more people attending the reception. I have no problem if in your cultural you have receptions that last days and different people attend different events. Everyone who attends the individual event is still hosted the same, even though events from day to day are hosted differently.

I do have a problem with ON THE SAME NIGHT some people get the dinner and an hour later other people show up just for cake. It's weird and offensive to see that you were not good enough for "x".

For example, I think it's odd to invite people to a dinner party and then later on in the night invite people for desert. However I do not have a problem with you hosting a dinner party on Friday. Then a invite those same people and others to a dessert whatever the next day. Those are different events, even if those different events celebrate the same whatever.

Sherbie25 · October 2015

kkitkat79 said:

CMGragain said:

There are special cultural boards on The Knot where you can discuss traditions that differ from Western wedding traditions. Please do it there, not here.

What's wrong with discussing it here?

I agree. I don't like the whiff of segregation.

Tiered Reception - The right way to do it?

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