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Save the Dates???

upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We are having our ceremony in a small log chapel in a state park with just our parents and grandparents October 2016. A week later we our having our reception with 200+ guest. My family will be local traveling 1hr or less while my fiances family will be traveling ~3hrs and some guest will be coming from out of state. We have already have had several questions asking when and where our reception is and what hotels are in the area. There are also 2 other weddings in my family next fall as well. I wasn't planning on sending save the dates but with all the questions and now 2 more weddings is it something I should do even though it's only for the reception?
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Re: Save the Dates???

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    upgirl9190 said:

    We are having our ceremony in a small log chapel in a state park with just our parents and grandparents October 2016. A week later we our having our reception with 200+ guest. My family will be local traveling 1hr or less while my fiances family will be traveling ~3hrs and some guest will be coming from out of state. We have already have had several questions asking when and where our reception is and what hotels are in the area. There are also 2 other weddings in my family next fall as well. I wasn't planning on sending save the dates but with all the questions and now 2 more weddings is it something I should do even though it's only for the reception?

    Our wedding is December 2016 and we are sending out Save the Dates for that exact reason. - Just remember: everyone who receives a STD must receive an invite, but you don't have to send a STD to everyone. Ours will only go to immediately family and out of town friends who are for sure on the list.
    -They can go out up to a year in advance, we'll be sending ours in late January
    -if you get them in a postcard size, postage is cheaper. We bought a template for $2.50 from etsy to use as the face of the postcard, and then uploaded to VistaPrint. They cost $30.00 for 100.
    -You can list your wedding website on them and that can contain all of the relevant lodging information.
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    mileybangerz said:
    We are having our ceremony in a small log chapel in a state park with just our parents and grandparents October 2016. A week later we our having our reception with 200+ guest. My family will be local traveling 1hr or less while my fiances family will be traveling ~3hrs and some guest will be coming from out of state. We have already have had several questions asking when and where our reception is and what hotels are in the area. There are also 2 other weddings in my family next fall as well. I wasn't planning on sending save the dates but with all the questions and now 2 more weddings is it something I should do even though it's only for the reception?
    First off, your reception immediately follows your wedding and all who attended your wedding are invited. What you are having is a celebration of marriage. Save the Dates usually go out ~6 months prior. I've never heard of a save the date for a party like this. I guess you could. Are these relatives aware that they are not invited to the actual wedding?

    Exactly. It would be kind of odd to get a STD for a party/celebration of marriage. You may get more declines since there are two weddings in your family in the same time frame. IMO I'd rather go to a wedding than a celebration of marriage (depending on my relationship to the couple of course). I hope your guest are aware it is a celebration and not the actual wedding.
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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    We have worded the invitation to show that its only a party not a ceremony. The family that we have shared the idea with absolutely love it. Most people never attend the ceremony anyway or don't want to so why waste the effort to find a place to hold so many people when you really don't need that. Plus with all the ridiculous hoops churches make you jump through, it is not worth it. We are planning to show short video of our ceremony at the party.
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    upgirl9190 said:
    We have worded the invitation to show that its only a party not a ceremony. The family that we have shared the idea with absolutely love it. Most people never attend the ceremony anyway or don't want to so why waste the effort to find a place to hold so many people when you really don't need that. Plus with all the ridiculous hoops churches make you jump through, it is not worth it. We are planning to show short video of our ceremony at the party.
    As long as your guests know - no problem! I still don't know about the need to send a save the date. I guess you could, but like I said they might choose the weddings over a party if they had to make a choice. If you do send save the dates, 6-8 month time frame is good. And by most people, I am assuming you mean most of your friends. Most people I know, enjoy attending the ceremony and the reception.
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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    Not friends, family. We most likely will have no friends at our wedding as they all live on the other side of the country.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    STDs are only appropriate for a wedding, not for a party.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
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    CMGragain said:

    STDs are only appropriate for a wedding, not for a party.

    I got a save-the-date once for a party. It was a big blowout hosted by some friends out of state (not wedding related). I didn't think anything of it.

    I wouldn't show the ceremony video, though. Just have it available.
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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
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    I'm also curious ... what do you mean by hoops to jump through by the church?
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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    You have to be an "active" member of the church for 6 months to 1 year, go to marriage classes 12-14 weeks,  one church required so many hours of community service, another one selected your wedding date for you. Some have specific vows or readings or music you have to use....the list goes on and on.
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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
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    upgirl9190 said:

    You have to be an "active" member of the church for 6 months to 1 year, go to marriage classes 12-14 weeks,  one church required so many hours of community service, another one selected your wedding date for you. Some have specific vows or readings or music you have to use....the list goes on and on.

    Oh, I got the impression that the hoops somehow referred to guests attending.

    Catholic?
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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    Catholic, Lutheran, community churches, reformed churches....we tried them all
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited October 2015
    upgirl9190 said:
    Catholic, Lutheran, community churches, reformed churches....we tried them all
    You obviously didn't try United Methodist.  If you asked to be married there and also said that you weren't Christians, that could explain your problem.
    I was church organist for many years.  About half of the weddings I played for were  for non-church members.  I remember playing for two weddings for couples that weren't even US citizens, and the ceremony was held in their native languages.  Many were from other denominations that had stricter rules.  They did require church counseling, but it was only a couple of sessions.  There was an extra building fee for non-members.  Church members didn't have to pay it since they already paid to support the building through their tithes..

    United Methodist churches will marry any man and woman who want the blessings of the church on their marriage.  Hopefully, after the big conference next year, we will also be able to marry same sex couples.  There is a big push for this.  We welcome gay couples as members.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    STARMOON44 said:

    Well, yeah, churches tend to expect you to actually care about church to have your wedding there. Not just pick a denomination out of a hat. Since you obviously don't care, why not just have an officiant come to the park where you are having the party and marry you there?

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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    Our reception is back in my hometown 6 hours away from where we currently live, so trying to meet the demands of any church is impossible. The religions we tried our the religions of our families, which is why we came up with the idea to have a small ceremony in the chapel at the state park, which is 3 hours away from where we live.
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    CMGragain said:


    upgirl9190 said:

    Catholic, Lutheran, community churches, reformed churches....we tried them all

    You obviously didn't try United Methodist.  If you asked to be married there and also said that you weren't Christians, that could explain your problem.
    I was church organist for many years.  About half of the weddings I played for were  for non-church members.  I remember playing for two weddings for couples that weren't even US citizens, and the ceremony was held in their native languages.  Many were from other denominations that had stricter rules.  They did require church counseling, but it was only a couple of sessions.  There was an extra building fee for non-members.  Church members didn't have to pay it since they already paid to support the building through their tithes..

    United Methodist churches will marry any man and woman who want the blessings of the church on their marriage.  Hopefully, after the big conference next year, we will also be able to marry same sex couples.  There is a big push for this.  We welcome gay couples as members.


    My sister got married in the UMC we grew up attending here in Michigan despite living in Florida. I have a hard time believing you went to that many churches and they refused to slow you to do your counseling at a church near your home to fulfill the requirements considering most if not all major denominations work in districts and conferences all under the same leadership umbrella.
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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
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    upgirl9190 said:

    Our reception is back in my hometown 6 hours away from where we currently live, so trying to meet the demands of any church is impossible. The religions we tried our the religions of our families, which is why we came up with the idea to have a small ceremony in the chapel at the state park, which is 3 hours away from where we live.

    I just find it interesting that the only options where you live are churches. There are no other wedding venues in your town???
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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    We live 45 min away from the nearest town with a church, even if they would allow us to do counseling elsewhere it would never fit in our schedules. And frankly I feel that the whole concept of premarriage counseling is a bit ridiculous. We been together for 7 years and lived together for 5, counseling is just a waste of time. My original question was about save the dates. I'm not looking for criticism as to where I choose to hold a ceremony, so unless there are suggestions about the save the dates there is no need to comment. I guess I should have read more posts before posting a question myself, I would have seen that these boards are nothing more than insults and attacks on people's ideas rather than constructive suggestions.
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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
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    upgirl9190 said:

    We live 45 min away from the nearest town with a church, even if they would allow us to do counseling elsewhere it would never fit in our schedules. And frankly I feel that the whole concept of premarriage counseling is a bit ridiculous. We been together for 7 years and lived together for 5, counseling is just a waste of time. My original question was about save the dates. I'm not looking for criticism as to where I choose to hold a ceremony, so unless there are suggestions about the save the dates there is no need to comment. I guess I should have read more posts before posting a question myself, I would have seen that these boards are nothing more than insults and attacks on people's ideas rather than constructive suggestions.

    How is it an insult /attack to say that it seems odd that there are no other places in your town to get married besides a church?
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    I don't know where the whole church thing has come from... you know there are many non-denominational officiants right? There are even church ministers who will officiate weddings outside of churches. You do not have to have a ceremony in a church- you can do it anywhere- like the reception venue!

    I will also ignore the comments that "nobody goes to the ceremony anyway"- honestly I find that kind of offensive, mostly because of the connotation it brings regarding the ceremony. The ceremony IS the wedding and the most important part. I very much valued my ceremony. P.S. Every guest who attended our reception came to the ceremony. All of the weddings I have been to in the past few years, every guest who came to the reception was at the ceremony first. So please don't say "nobody" goes.

    Anyway..... 

    Having an intimate ceremony and then reception later is not wrong. I think what posters want to be clear about is that your guests know the party a week later is just that- a celebration, and they know there will not be a ceremony. Which is fine, as long as you aren't trying to re-create your wedding in any way. 

    I also think it's fine to send a STD. Why are STDs *only* for weddings? If you are having a large party planned a year out and you know it's OOT for many guests, why can't you send a notice about it? No different than verbally telling your family about it. Although not a true STD, I've seen many events, such as charity events or marathon races who advertise for next years event at the current event in some sort of written form, whether that be the day of, or an e-mail send the day after letting the current attendants know about next year. I don't see it as anything different.

    STDs are usually sent 6 months- 1 year out. 
    The catch with STDs, is anyone who receives one MUST be sent an invitation (including any SOs), so do be sure that you have created your guest list accordingly and you have budgeted for the guests and their SOs before sending anything. 

    STDs are never required, but if you feel like you are getting lots of questions from your OOT guests then you could send them. STDs though would not inform your guests about any lodgings, they are simply a who, what, when, and where. 
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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    mileybangerz said:

    upgirl9190 said:

    We live 45 min away from the nearest town with a church, even if they would allow us to do counseling elsewhere it would never fit in our schedules. And frankly I feel that the whole concept of premarriage counseling is a bit ridiculous. We been together for 7 years and lived together for 5, counseling is just a waste of time. My original question was about save the dates. I'm not looking for criticism as to where I choose to hold a ceremony, so unless there are suggestions about the save the dates there is no need to comment. I guess I should have read more posts before posting a question myself, I would have seen that these boards are nothing more than insults and attacks on people's ideas rather than constructive suggestions.

    How is it an insult /attack to say that it seems odd that there are no other places in your town to get married besides a church?
    An outside ceremony is too risky in October and most place require you to have the reception at the location if you want to use the ceremony site.
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    I retracted my first post because I honestly didn't know the etiquette for party only STDs and felt like my church idea was constructive, but whatevs.

    Next question: why is having a church ceremony important to you if you don't want to honor the churches requirements as such. If you just want a ceremony that matches your families tenants you can find an officiant who is of faith and use the ceremony script of that religion (in most cases).

    And yes, your original question is about STDs but you brought up the church problem and there are lots of people who can help you brainstorm alternatives here.
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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    photokitty said:

    upgirl9190 said:

    We live 45 min away from the nearest town with a church, even if they would allow us to do counseling elsewhere it would never fit in our schedules. And frankly I feel that the whole concept of premarriage counseling is a bit ridiculous. We been together for 7 years and lived together for 5, counseling is just a waste of time. My original question was about save the dates. I'm not looking for criticism as to where I choose to hold a ceremony, so unless there are suggestions about the save the dates there is no need to comment. I guess I should have read more posts before posting a question myself, I would have seen that these boards are nothing more than insults and attacks on people's ideas rather than constructive suggestions.

    Internet 101 - LURK FIRST

    Pre martial Counseling is never a waste of time. It doesn't matter how long you have been together, you never know everything about your partner or what they are thinking. To think it is ridiculous makes you seem a bit immature to be considering marriage at all.

    Sends out STDs if you wish, but realize that if your intent is to get people to choose your celebration over attending the other 2 weddings, you will probably be disappointed...assuming the other weddings include an invitation to the ceremony - the important part of the ordeal.

    Telling people not to comment on your bad ideas or only only give suggestions about your specific question will go over like a hot dog buffet at a PETA convention..."welcome" to TK :smirk:
    I'm not asking people to choose one wedding over another, I'm just informing them of the date and location. I find it very rude that you would choose a wedding ceremony over attending just a reception for family or friends. You should be there to support the couple however they choose to arrange their wedding.
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  • upgirl9190upgirl9190 member
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    We didn't want it to cut into the party time and it would be awkward to have the ceremony in the reception hall. Everything is already booked venues, photographers. Dj, caterer, officiant, cake, etc. We love the ceremony location we have chosen. It fits us perfectly. We don't care if we get married in a church or not. We were visiting the park and found out that they rent their chapel that holds 10ppl. It was perfect so we booked it and the county clerk is officiating.
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    upgirl9190 said:
    We didn't want it to cut into the party time and it would be awkward to have the ceremony in the reception hall. Everything is already booked venues, photographers. Dj, caterer, officiant, cake, etc. We love the ceremony location we have chosen. It fits us perfectly. We don't care if we get married in a church or not. We were visiting the park and found out that they rent their chapel that holds 10ppl. It was perfect so we booked it and the county clerk is officiating.
    I think this is perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with a truly intimate wedding, or hosting a celebration later, as long as you are clear about what you are doing and you aren't trying to re-create your wedding at the celebration a week later. 

    Most of what other posters though have given advice on are comments that you brought up upgirl9190, regarding "issues" with a church and officiant. No one is trying to insult you or attack you, but many of the comments you made came off like there was a problem with trying to plan it (for example, finding a ceremony venue to hold all of your guests), so other posters were only trying to either figure out exactly what you had planned or were trying to give advice on that subject. 

    While you can choose to have your party the week after, realize though that this is not your wedding reception, it's a celebration of your marriage. Your wedding already took place a week before. Which is cool too- as long as your guests are aware of what kind of party is happening. 

    Anyone can host a party for any reason, and any guest can either choose to attend or not. 

    My friend is Mormon and was married in a temple on one weekend (only the bride and groom can be present for this). Then they had a family dinner after. The next weekend they hosted a large party for extended family and friends in honour of their marriage. Unfortunately I couldn't attend as I was out of town that weekend. But I would have otherwise, and I am sure it would've been awesome, but I was also well aware that her wedding was the week prior. 
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