Wedding Etiquette Forum

2 Brides: Am I inconsiderate or is she selfish?

2

Answers

  • WOW! I had no idea there were such strong feelings about requesting a color. LOL. We are considering the 'guests' a part of the ceremony and don't think this will be an issue, but I will poll everyone to be sure. thanks for the heads-up. 
    We would not be bussing anyone out of the city for a reception. We would either bus guests to the park and then the reception OR have a reception outside of the city (closer to our home) to avoid the parking. 
    Agree with PPs on this issue but I'll also add, what about your guests that don't have something wedding appropriate in black? I, for example, don't own a single black dress. So for your wedding I would have to go shopping instead of wearing this amazing gold number I have that would be perfect for the wedding sitting in my closet. Or I'd show up in a black top and jeans, if I didn't have the budget for something new that month. Don't do that to your guests.
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    Heffalump[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • justsie said:
    WOW! I had no idea there were such strong feelings about requesting a color. LOL. We are considering the 'guests' a part of the ceremony and don't think this will be an issue, but I will poll everyone to be sure. thanks for the heads-up. 
    We would not be bussing anyone out of the city for a reception. We would either bus guests to the park and then the reception OR have a reception outside of the city (closer to our home) to avoid the parking. 
    Agree with PPs on this issue but I'll also add, what about your guests that don't have something wedding appropriate in black? I, for example, don't own a single black dress. So for your wedding I would have to go shopping instead of wearing this amazing gold number I have that would be perfect for the wedding sitting in my closet. Or I'd show up in a black top and jeans, if I didn't have the budget for something new that month. Don't do that to your guests.
    DH refuses to wear black, ever.  His stepmother told him one time when he was 13 that it made him look "like a ghost" and he hasn't worn it since.  (Strawberry blonde, freckles, very fair.)  I disagree about the ghost thing, but he feels very strongly.

    There are all kinds of good reasons to let your guests wear what they want.
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLostSP29
  • Heffalump said:
    justsie said:
    WOW! I had no idea there were such strong feelings about requesting a color. LOL. We are considering the 'guests' a part of the ceremony and don't think this will be an issue, but I will poll everyone to be sure. thanks for the heads-up. 
    We would not be bussing anyone out of the city for a reception. We would either bus guests to the park and then the reception OR have a reception outside of the city (closer to our home) to avoid the parking. 
    Agree with PPs on this issue but I'll also add, what about your guests that don't have something wedding appropriate in black? I, for example, don't own a single black dress. So for your wedding I would have to go shopping instead of wearing this amazing gold number I have that would be perfect for the wedding sitting in my closet. Or I'd show up in a black top and jeans, if I didn't have the budget for something new that month. Don't do that to your guests.
    DH refuses to wear black, ever.  His stepmother told him one time when he was 13 that it made him look "like a ghost" and he hasn't worn it since.  (Strawberry blonde, freckles, very fair.)  I disagree about the ghost thing, but he feels very strongly.

    There are all kinds of good reasons to let your guests wear what they want.
    Yupp, ginger redhead here as well, I feel your DH. Its the reason I don't own a black dress, my legs next to black fabric is something I am super self-conscious of. If I went the black dress route I'd be uncomfortable all night, heaven forbid there be photos with flash!
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    Heffalump[Deleted User]
  • How does the guests' attire affect the ceremony? Is there a religious stipulation that all guests wear black or else the marriage in invalid in the eyes of your god? Otherwise, "part of the ceremony" just sounds like an excuse to guilt guests into conforming to your wedding vision. Your wedding is not a photo shoot, and you will likely hang no more than one group shot of your wedding in your home. Don't aggravate and inconvenience your guests for an 8x10.


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    [Deleted User]HeffalumpInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • How many guests will you have? The gazebo I have in mind (the Ladies Pavilion) only has benches for 6 people - maybe 8 if they're tiny. But idk, I spend more time downtown than in Central Park. Maybe you're thinking of another one?

    If your "guests" are actually your bridal party and no one else, you can dictate attire. That's the only way I can think of it being okay. 
    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Gah, don't poll your friends and family about guests' attire. No matter how they actually feel, they will probably just say it is ok because they know you already want to do it (or else why would you be asking) and don't want to upset you (because they care about you) by telling you it is a rude/terrible idea. You are putting them in a super awkward spot by forcing them to either honestly tell you it's bad and fear upsetting you, or fibbing to protect the feelings of a stressed out bride. Just let guests dress how they want.

    This!  OP - Your FSIL said she polled her friends and they said it was inappropriate for you to plan your wedding so close to hers.  These same people, if you poll them, would tell you its ok to ask your guests to wear black.  Most people will agree with you on the outside to prevent hurt feelings on your part, but will be thinking "what a terrible idea" on the inside. 
    MyNameIsNot[Deleted User]
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    WOW! I had no idea there were such strong feelings about requesting a color. LOL. We are considering the 'guests' a part of the ceremony and don't think this will be an issue, but I will poll everyone to be sure. thanks for the heads-up. 
    We would not be bussing anyone out of the city for a reception. We would either bus guests to the park and then the reception OR have a reception outside of the city (closer to our home) to avoid the parking. 
    I see the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. . .

    No, don't poll anyone, please.  We have already told you that it's rude to dictate the attire of your guests, so you don't need to ask anyone how they feel about the matter.  All that will do is put your guests on the spot, and unless they are typically a direct person, they will not actually tell you that this makes them feel put off, but will instead lie to your face to make you happy because you are their family/friend.

    Unless they are walking down an aisle and standing with you at the altar during the ceremony, they are guests and not part of your ceremony in any way, shape, or form.

    And I agree that it would be far preferential to have your reception in NYC, rather than outside of it.  Otherwise, what's the point of driving or flying all the way into NYC?  How long would it take, including traffic, to go from your ceremony site to a venue outside of NYC?  If the answer is longer than 30mins, that's far too long to be commuting, imo.

    Why can't you have your reception in NYC?  Too pricey?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    STARMOON44
  • aurianna said:
    OP, I realize you are in no way trying to be rude and you wouldn't be requesting specific attire if you thought it was a big deal... but it really is.
    Unless you are specifically honoring each and every guest with the title of bridesmaid/groomsman (and giving a customary gift that goes with that honor), the guests aren't part of your ceremony. They are guests who are taking time out of their holiday weekend to witness your ceremony.

    They are adults. Adults can dress themselves and should never be told how to dress for a wedding. A request like this can come across to your guests as if you don't think they know how to dress themselves, or like you think they are props.

    Also, I have very few light weight black clothes. My black dresses are mostly winter weight. Intuitively, I would wear a light color to a morning, outdoor, spring wedding. I'm assuming I'm not alone in this... so setting up a dress code so contrary to what an adult would normally choose for themselves will come off as very controlling.
    And what about men? My husband's suit is grey and his blazer is blue and I'm not even sure he owns a black shirt that isn't a t-shirt. I think you'd run an even bigger risk of men needing to buy new clothes to conform and that isn't cool.

    Wouldn't you rather get pictures of your guests wearing clothes that are "them" and that they feel comfortable in?
    If the colors bother you, have your pictures printed in black and white. That would look lovely.
    There are multiple shades of black too... I personally think the different blacks all next to each other would be even more distracting than colors. Or, if they did all match... photos would just be heads floating in a sea of black.
    I honestly think that something more natural would not only be more polite, but may end up photographing better.


    Oh, and your FSIL sounds like a pill.
    This.  My husband works for a custom menswear/suit company and even he doesn't own a black suit.  Most guys I know own gray or sometimes navy suits (if they own any at all).  There just aren't many things that black suits look entirely appropriate for (I think they even look a little harsh at funerals).  They aren't as practical as a gray suit.  I think it's a lot to ask for a guy to purchase a new suit for a wedding in the color you prefer.  I mean, it's a lot to ask of anyone, but suits are f*ing expensive.

    Maybe just reconsider the idea.  Guest comfort should always trump the aesthetics of your photos.  As PP said, you will probably frame and hang maybe one shot with all of your guests in it.

    And yes, your FSIL is the fucking worst.


    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2015
    WOW! I had no idea there were such strong feelings about requesting a color. LOL. We are considering the 'guests' a part of the ceremony and don't think this will be an issue, but I will poll everyone to be sure. thanks for the heads-up. 
    We would not be bussing anyone out of the city for a reception. We would either bus guests to the park and then the reception OR have a reception outside of the city (closer to our home) to avoid the parking. 
    Don't tell people what to wear. Even if you 'poll' them, they're going to say 'it's your day!' with a smile and then talk about you behind your back.

    Plus- Black, for a daytime wedding, over Memorial Day? That just doesn't make sense. New Yorkers don't wait for Memorial day to be able to wear black, we wear that Oct-March- Memorial Day is the start of summer! Embrace it!
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • justsie said:
    WOW! I had no idea there were such strong feelings about requesting a color. LOL. We are considering the 'guests' a part of the ceremony and don't think this will be an issue, but I will poll everyone to be sure. thanks for the heads-up. 
    We would not be bussing anyone out of the city for a reception. We would either bus guests to the park and then the reception OR have a reception outside of the city (closer to our home) to avoid the parking. 
    Agree with PPs on this issue but I'll also add, what about your guests that don't have something wedding appropriate in black? I, for example, don't own a single black dress. So for your wedding I would have to go shopping instead of wearing this amazing gold number I have that would be perfect for the wedding sitting in my closet. Or I'd show up in a black top and jeans, if I didn't have the budget for something new that month. Don't do that to your guests.
    I own a few black dresses but 65-70% of them are winter weight, I would melt in May.
    The others are LBDs, appropriate for evening events. I wouldn't ever wear those during the daytime, most definitely not in the summer.
    I would feel horrible wearing a black sweater and dark jeans to your wedding, so I probably wouldn't attend - as it would be rude to go against the bride's wishes even if her wishes are rude.

  • anjemonanjemon Minnie and Paul (MN) member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thank you all for letting me vent......I was annoyed that she spoke to others and they all agreed I was inconsiderate. I have been feeling crazy!
    But then again, I doubt she told the ENTIRE story.
    She seems a little crazy, so I don't doubt she might have talked to people about this. But "I asked everyone and they agreed you're wrong" is usually a sign to me that they're making things up or exaggerating. People say that when they feel something is wrong but they don't want to say that. Or they want it to seem like everyone agrees with them and make you feel badly about it.

    It seems like a lot of the time "everyone" is either nobody or that person's mother, sister, and best friend (who obviously agree with them).
    image
  • I am mad for you, with regards to your SIL. 

    She is ALREADY MARRIED and she is mad that your wedding will be too close to her PPD? Even if you are cool with her PPD, that is still extremely rude of her to suggest you wait another year to get married. I would definitely say something to her about, "Oh, but we did wait a year already!". 

    Everyone gets one day. No one gets to dibs. 

    As for your wedding- Central Park is beautiful! I was there when I was a teenager, on band trip. We got to walk around Central Park and there is this wide open area looking onto water, with 2 big stair cases leading down to it. I remember thinking, "THIS is where you get married!" (not that I did anything remotely similar to that for my own wedding). You would definitely need to rent and bring in chairs. 

    Please don't ask your guests to wear a certain colour. Your guests are not props and adults are able to dress themselves. I do not own a black dress. Thus, I'd have to go out and buy one instead of wearing one of the many other lovely dresses I own. My husband owns a few suits- he loves to dress up, but he also doesn't own a black suit. Black is quite harsh and both navy and gray are what is "in" right now (and for good reason- much more flattering and versatile). Also- black for an afternoon wedding in Central Park in May?? It just doesn't seem to fit. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • Well that escalated quickly! More of you chimed in to JUDGE plans for MY wedding than actually answered the original question. #meangirls 

    Not sure what I said to make you all think that I was asking for your opinion of my wedding colors....because I wasn't. But a sincere thanks to everyone who answered the question I posted. 

    My idea of MY wedding is celebrating our love and union with friends and family. People we trust. Not people who would lie to us about liking our color choice. I have no interest in a competition or trying to make people as comfortable as possible so they give us the biggest check possible. In fact, we are considering asking that gifts not be given. Lastly, this experience has made me keenly aware that you can't please everyone! And at this point, there are only 2 people who require pleasing. 

    YOUR idea of what will look nice at YOUR wedding is nice for YOU. If you like it, I LOVE it. There is no requirement for you to like mine. See how that works. Nice right? And lucky for you, you aren't marrying me.

    A black & white wedding is timeless, classic, & chic. Always. Regardless of the season, month, or time of day. That's my opinion and I think you all would agree that's really the only one that counts on MY day. I don't judge you for stuffing 17 of your besties into awkwardly colored bridesmaids dresses at your wedding so please don't judge me for asking my sisters and besties to wear black. K? For the record, from the moment I was engaged, they knew about this and were relieved and loved the idea of being able to choose their own black dress rather than being forced to wear a cookie cutter one time wear bridesmaids dress.

    Your husband doesn't have a black suit so I am assuming he also doesn't own a tuxedo. If invited to a black tie wedding, I also assume he would rent or buy one. Same if you had were invited to a 'cocktail attire' event. Of course, I am also assuming this is an event you want to attend. Not sure how this is any different. 

    For what it's worth, I just attended a black & white birthday gala in August and the event was elegant and the pictures were stunning. And not a single person died of a heat stroke...and we were wearing GOWNS! GASP! 

    However, if you are interested, do a quick Pinterest or google search for 'black & white summer wedding', you might find that you like it more than you realize. 

    I get it, I posted in a wedding forum asking for advice so I guess I kinda opened myself up to this. You girls have way too much wedding energy for me. I'm now 1000% convinced I was born without the 'petty girl Bridezilla gene'. I have absolutely not an ounce of care to give to the next persons wedding....if you like it, I love it. 

    Thanks again to everyone who actually answered the question I posted!

  • How is it not bridezilla-y to force everyone at your weddings or dress a certain way so you get pretty pictures for your arbitrary "vision"? Black tie is an exception, because it promises a certain level of high end treatment for your guests.

    And even with black tie, you aren't actually requiring black ties. The guests have leeway.

    I have to wonder how old all of you are.
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLostKatWAG
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Wow. I don't see how anyone was being mean to you. We offered you advice  - nicely - on something that you posted on an internet forum. For the record, I did not dictate attire for my wedding. I didn't give a rats ass if someone showed up in jeans or a tux. I did not force my bridesmaids to "stuff themselves" into a particular dress - I let them pick out their own. I was really trying to help you out, especially since I thought we had some stuff in common when it came to our weddings. But clearly you don't want or need any help. Bye Felicia.
                                 Anniversary
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    [Deleted User]erinlin25
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Well that escalated quickly! More of you chimed in to JUDGE plans for MY wedding than actually answered the original question. #meangirls 

    Not sure what I said to make you all think that I was asking for your opinion of my wedding colors....because I wasn't. But a sincere thanks to everyone who answered the question I posted. 

    My idea of MY wedding is celebrating our love and union with friends and family. People we trust. Not people who would lie to us about liking our color choice. I have no interest in a competition or trying to make people as comfortable as possible so they give us the biggest check possible. In fact, we are considering asking that gifts not be given. Lastly, this experience has made me keenly aware that you can't please everyone! And at this point, there are only 2 people who require pleasing. 

    YOUR idea of what will look nice at YOUR wedding is nice for YOU. If you like it, I LOVE it. There is no requirement for you to like mine. See how that works. Nice right? And lucky for you, you aren't marrying me.

    A black & white wedding is timeless, classic, & chic. Always. Regardless of the season, month, or time of day. That's my opinion and I think you all would agree that's really the only one that counts on MY day. I don't judge you for stuffing 17 of your besties into awkwardly colored bridesmaids dresses at your wedding so please don't judge me for asking my sisters and besties to wear black. K? For the record, from the moment I was engaged, they knew about this and were relieved and loved the idea of being able to choose their own black dress rather than being forced to wear a cookie cutter one time wear bridesmaids dress.

    Your husband doesn't have a black suit so I am assuming he also doesn't own a tuxedo. If invited to a black tie wedding, I also assume he would rent or buy one. Same if you had were invited to a 'cocktail attire' event. Of course, I am also assuming this is an event you want to attend. Not sure how this is any different. 

    For what it's worth, I just attended a black & white birthday gala in August and the event was elegant and the pictures were stunning. And not a single person died of a heat stroke...and we were wearing GOWNS! GASP! 

    However, if you are interested, do a quick Pinterest or google search for 'black & white summer wedding', you might find that you like it more than you realize. 

    I get it, I posted in a wedding forum asking for advice so I guess I kinda opened myself up to this. You girls have way too much wedding energy for me. I'm now 1000% convinced I was born without the 'petty girl Bridezilla gene'. I have absolutely not an ounce of care to give to the next persons wedding....if you like it, I love it. 

    Thanks again to everyone who actually answered the question I posted!

    And cue the childish name calling.

    No one cares about your choice of wedding color. Everyone does have a problem with you demanding your guests wear a particular color. Decent human beings do not treat their friends and family like props. The fact that you think making guests comfortable has anything to do with gifts says quite a bit about your character. What kind of person are you?

    Yes, your SIL is a selfish, rude person and making unreasonable demands. So are you. Stop trying to make yourself the victim. She is not the only bridezilla in this family. 
    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]OliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    OP, you stated that this is YOUR wedding. The moment you invite people to join you in celebrating, the event ceases to be exclusively yours. You are a hostess and your guests' comfort needs to be at the top of your priorities. Also, the black and white theme is lovely. Your bridal party and decor in black and white I'm sure will be classy. And that's where it stops. Requesting that your guests dress a certain way is inappropriate. The only exception would be if your venue had a dress code (e.g. jacket and tie for men). Even then, dictating a color is rude. ETF spelling
    Ah, isn't it also YOUR FI's wedding too?
    PrettyGirlLostsparklepants41
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