Rude to skip wedding to prepare for mine?

KnickerGold · December 2015

Hi all,

I'm getting married Oct 8th next year. Just found out from FI that his close friend just set his date as Oct 1st, the week before. Yes, yes, everyone only gets 1 day- I'm not angry/upset/peeved/whatever that it's a week before. It's being done locally, so it's not like FI's friends will have to travel 2 weeks in a row if they want to attend both.

Anyway.
Our wedding is in NYC (we live in Texas currently) and I'd planned on flying up the week before (Sept 30th) to be able to finalize a lot during that week- working from our NY office Mon/Tues and then taking the rest of the week off.

My first thought was 'bummer, Other groom won't be able to come to our wedding- sorry FI!' but he said they aren't doing their HM til Christmas time, so no worries there!

My second thought was 'am I a bad person for wanting to skip their wedding so I can work on my own?' FI said he's fine going solo, so that's nice. And I haven't seen the other groom in 2 years? and only met the bride once, for about 10 minutes.

I know an invite doesn't mean I must go, but is the reason for not going relevant? I mean it's not like I plan on telling them this, but FI might be asked why he's flying solo, and I don't want it to come across as 'my wedding is more important than yours'... except that I do need to do stuff in person, so I'm choosing ours over theirs.

Maybe I'm just nervous over nothing?

thisismynickname2 · December 2015

Eh... I think you're nervous over nothing. No one owes any reason for declining a wedding. It's great that your own FI is still going, and I understand that you barely know them. However, are they both coming to yours?

To me, unless you're DIY-ing, all the biggest planning is already done by the week before. Maybe you owe some final counts to a caterer. Maybe you have to pick things up, but even so, you don't necessarily need to be doing it that weekend, especially if you have the entire week off! If you could financially swing it, it would be nice of you to go.

Ok, I'm not being much help here, lol. The bottom line is you owe no one an explanation, so if you do choose not to go, you're in the clear.

CMGragain · December 2015

A wedding is not a court summons. You are free to politely decline any invitation. Do not give reasons.

TNDancer · December 2015

It's your fiances' friend. Are you good friends? or just friends via him? Not trying to be mean at all, but maybe they don't care if you come and you are invited because you are the SO. Do what you need to get done in NY.

lyndausvi · December 2015

You are fine for skipping the wedding. Invitations are not summons. If you have other plans, you have other plans. I doubt people will think twice about your FI going solo.

However, I would do what I could to make it to the wedding and then fly out on the 2nd. You have 10 months to make it work.

I had an OOT wedding. I did fly in a week before, but I would have changed it if I had something like a wedding to attend.

JediElizabeth · December 2015

You don't have to be at theirs, and it wouldn't be rude to skip.

However, if you're able to arrange to leave on Sunday and can make the wedding, I would. Especially if they're going to be travelling to NYC for your wedding, it would be a nice thing to do.

You'll probably have your appointments set and your flight finalized before you need to send in the RSVP, so I'd say just do your best. Don't stress if you can't make it work though.

Maggie0829 · December 2015

If you are not able to or do not want to attend is reason enough to decline the invite. It seems like you already have plans in place so just don't go. You don't have to give an explanation as to why you aren't attending.

glasgowtolondon · December 2015

Hey, we have the same wedding day!

If you were already planning something else it's not a requirement that you need to attend, but I suppose it depends how close you guys are. If you are close I'd say its worth it to make the effort for the sake of the friendship.

Is this couple and all your friends in NYC? Would you be local when the wedding happened, but wouldn't be attending?

frenchiekin · December 2015

thisismynickname said:

Eh... I think you're nervous over nothing. No one owes any reason for declining a wedding. It's great that your own FI is still going, and I understand that you barely know them. However, are they both coming to yours?

To me, unless you're DIY-ing, all the biggest planning is already done by the week before. Maybe you owe some final counts to a caterer. Maybe you have to pick things up, but even so, you don't necessarily need to be doing it that weekend, especially if you have the entire week off! If you could financially swing it, it would be nice of you to go.

Ok, I'm not being much help here, lol. The bottom line is you owe no one an explanation, so if you do choose not to go, you're in the clear.

Agreed. Can you go to their wedding on the 1st and then fly to NYC on the 2nd? Then you still pretty much have the week in NY. This is really about your comfort level. I didn't do THAT much DIY, but I was really busy the weekend before my wedding with running last minute errands, etc. You know yourself best, and if it's going to stress you out, don't go. You don't need to justify it and it doesn't make you selfish if you have a scheduling conflict with something you've already planned. It's not like you're declining in protest because they dared to get married a week before you.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

Nervous over nothing.

lyndausvi · December 2015

frenchiekin said:

thisismynickname said:

Eh... I think you're nervous over nothing. No one owes any reason for declining a wedding. It's great that your own FI is still going, and I understand that you barely know them. However, are they both coming to yours?

To me, unless you're DIY-ing, all the biggest planning is already done by the week before. Maybe you owe some final counts to a caterer. Maybe you have to pick things up, but even so, you don't necessarily need to be doing it that weekend, especially if you have the entire week off! If you could financially swing it, it would be nice of you to go.

Ok, I'm not being much help here, lol. The bottom line is you owe no one an explanation, so if you do choose not to go, you're in the clear.

Agreed. Can you go to their wedding on the 1st and then fly to NYC on the 2nd? Then you still pretty much have the week in NY. This is really about your comfort level. I didn't do THAT much DIY, but I was really busy the weekend before my wedding with running last minute errands, etc. You know yourself best, and if it's going to stress you out, don't go. You don't need to justify it and it doesn't make you selfish if you have a scheduling conflict with something you've already planned. It's not like you're declining in protest because they dared to get married a week before you.

You can argue that you knew you had the weekend to run around doing all the stuff. If you had wedding or another event you would have worked around that.

I flew in the week before to my OOT wedding. I didn't have much to do. I attended a few Labor Day parties that weekend. I could have easily attended a wedding. My sister had to work the 6 days prior to her wedding. She made it work.

I guess what I'm saying is if you know of things you will plan accordingly. Especially with 11 months out.

However, she doesn't have to go, nor should she feel bad if she chooses not to. Invitations are not summons.

frenchiekin · December 2015

lyndausvi said:

frenchiekin said:

thisismynickname said:

Eh... I think you're nervous over nothing. No one owes any reason for declining a wedding. It's great that your own FI is still going, and I understand that you barely know them. However, are they both coming to yours?

To me, unless you're DIY-ing, all the biggest planning is already done by the week before. Maybe you owe some final counts to a caterer. Maybe you have to pick things up, but even so, you don't necessarily need to be doing it that weekend, especially if you have the entire week off! If you could financially swing it, it would be nice of you to go.

Ok, I'm not being much help here, lol. The bottom line is you owe no one an explanation, so if you do choose not to go, you're in the clear.

Agreed. Can you go to their wedding on the 1st and then fly to NYC on the 2nd? Then you still pretty much have the week in NY. This is really about your comfort level. I didn't do THAT much DIY, but I was really busy the weekend before my wedding with running last minute errands, etc. You know yourself best, and if it's going to stress you out, don't go. You don't need to justify it and it doesn't make you selfish if you have a scheduling conflict with something you've already planned. It's not like you're declining in protest because they dared to get married a week before you.

You can argue that you knew you had the weekend to run around doing all the stuff. If you had wedding or another event you would have worked around that.

I flew in the week before to my OOT wedding. I didn't have much to do. I attended a few Labor Day parties that weekend. I could have easily attended a wedding. My sister had to work the 6 days prior to her wedding. She made it work.

I guess what I'm saying is if you know of things you will plan accordingly. Especially with 11 months out.

However, she doesn't have to go, nor should she feel bad if she chooses not to. Invitations are not summons.

Agree completely with both bolded! Good point. I left the weekend before my wedding wide open intentionally so I could a) get planned stuff done, and b ) give myself a cushion of extra time for unplanned things that might pop up, or even a few minutes to just relax. It's really personal preference and, as you said, planning accordingly. If I was invited to a wedding I really wanted to attend the weekend before mine, I imagine I would have planned my own stuff differently.

KnickerGold · December 2015

TNDancer said:

It's your fiances' friend. Are you good friends? or just friends via him? Not trying to be mean at all, but maybe they don't care if you come and you are invited because you are the SO. Do what you need to get done in NY.

I wouldn't even call us friends, acquaintances? I couldn't even tell you for certain his last name... definitely not hers, couldn't even pick her out of a line up, unless she was the only blonde... the guys hang out together, but not at our house, so I never see him, and like I said, I met her once, for about 10 mins over 2 years ago...
I don't think they'd miss me, as I'm just FI's +1, but wouldn't want to be rude as FI said the groom said they were planning on coming to NYC.

KnickerGold · December 2015

glasgowtolondon said:

Hey, we have the same wedding day! If you were already planning something else it's not a requirement that you need to attend, but I suppose it depends how close you guys are. If you are close I'd say its worth it to make the effort for the sake of the friendship. Is this couple and all your friends in NYC? Would you be local when the wedding happened, but wouldn't be attending?

How fun!!

No, I live in Texas, FI's friend lives in Texas and will have the wedding here (about an hour from us). Our wedding is in NY, a week later.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

TNDancer said:

It's your fiances' friend. Are you good friends? or just friends via him? Not trying to be mean at all, but maybe they don't care if you come and you are invited because you are the SO. Do what you need to get done in NY.

I wouldn't even call us friends, acquaintances? I couldn't even tell you for certain his last name... definitely not hers, couldn't even pick her out of a line up, unless she was the only blonde... the guys hang out together, but not at our house, so I never see him, and like I said, I met her once, for about 10 mins over 2 years ago...
I don't think they'd miss me, as I'm just FI's +1, but wouldn't want to be rude as FI said the groom said they were planning on coming to NYC.

I would try to go to this other wedding. It might be nice to get a breather for a few hours before the pre-wedding chaos sets in. And you might notice things at this wedding that will change/modify what you do at your own. "Interesting, the guest book table being right there is creating a logjam at the entrance. I'll have to ask my venue to put my table in that other place. Hmm, I have to wait in the bar line to get a water, at my wedding I'll have pitchers and clean glasses in another location for people who want water." It might be fun to be secretly judgy.

glasgowtolondon · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

glasgowtolondon said:

Hey, we have the same wedding day!

If you were already planning something else it's not a requirement that you need to attend, but I suppose it depends how close you guys are. If you are close I'd say its worth it to make the effort for the sake of the friendship.

Is this couple and all your friends in NYC? Would you be local when the wedding happened, but wouldn't be attending?

How fun!!

No, I live in Texas, FI's friend lives in Texas and will have the wedding here (about an hour from us). Our wedding is in NY, a week later.

--------

I think you're good here. If you are more like aquaintances then go if you wish or fly to nyc. You've probably got a bit of time to decide though, unless you need to book flights or whatever. That way you can change your mind if anything changes closer to the time.

KnickerGold · December 2015

adk19 said:

KnickerGold said:

TNDancer said:

It's your fiances' friend. Are you good friends? or just friends via him? Not trying to be mean at all, but maybe they don't care if you come and you are invited because you are the SO. Do what you need to get done in NY.

I wouldn't even call us friends, acquaintances? I couldn't even tell you for certain his last name... definitely not hers, couldn't even pick her out of a line up, unless she was the only blonde... the guys hang out together, but not at our house, so I never see him, and like I said, I met her once, for about 10 mins over 2 years ago...
I don't think they'd miss me, as I'm just FI's +1, but wouldn't want to be rude as FI said the groom said they were planning on coming to NYC.

I would try to go to this other wedding. It might be nice to get a breather for a few hours before the pre-wedding chaos sets in. And you might notice things at this wedding that will change/modify what you do at your own. "Interesting, the guest book table being right there is creating a logjam at the entrance. I'll have to ask my venue to put my table in that other place. Hmm, I have to wait in the bar line to get a water, at my wedding I'll have pitchers and clean glasses in another location for people who want water." It might be fun to be secretly judgy.

Ya, true. But the thing that gets me is instead of having Sat and Sun for errands, I'll only have Weds/Thurs/Friday, since I'll have to fly out Sunday morning, which puts me there no earlier than 2pm, taxi to the hotel, check in etc I'm at 4pm, and really, what can you get done after 4 on a Sunday? Niente.

madamerwin · December 2015

Your situation sounds similar to mine this past summer in some ways. H and I got married on June 20th, and my best friend from childhood was getting married in another state on June 13th (it was actually a PPD, but that's another story and not relevant here). I did decide to go, though H stayed back to take care of some last-minute planning.

Like PPs have said, by the week before your wedding most things should already be done (unless you are DIYing everything and procrastinate). However, it was SUPER exhausting and stressful to spend the last weekend before my wedding traveling to and from another state - it was a 24 hour trip for me. I had to work most of the following week, too, so I spent literally the last day I had free to attend this wedding. Not ideal, but it really wasn't that bad in the long run.

In your case, though, this wedding is where you live, so attending it would just mean waiting an extra day or two to travel to NYC. It is not like you would have to travel to another state altogether, then back home, and then to NYC. And your point about only having Weds-Fri for final errands is moot if you don't have to work during the week; in fact, running errands on weekdays often takes less time than on weekends. So even if you did go to NYC on Saturday you would probably still be better off running errands on weekdays.

Personally, I would go to this wedding. I think you're overestimating how much time you will need in NYC before your own wedding. That said, you are well within etiquette to politely decline, and you do not need to give excuses as to why you are not attending.

KnickerGold · December 2015

Thanks @madamerwin I would never dream of saying 'why' I won't be attending, just that I won't be

charlotte989875 · December 2015

I'd go mainly because my H hates social events by himself. He does it if he has to, but he gets anxiety around big groups of people so he prefers when I'm there to act as his buffer (his words not mine!). But I agree with PPs, it's not rude, but if you can make it I'd go.

lyndausvi · December 2015

This might sound harsh, but I find it a bit odd, to lock in 2 days worth of errands and shopping 10 months out. It's weird to me. Like between now and then you can't work in those errands? Really?

No skin off my back. People plan differently, but it's just something I can't comprehend. Escorting my husband to his friend's wedding his would be more important to me than errands. ::shrugs::

Different strokes for different folks.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

adk19 said:

KnickerGold said:

TNDancer said:

It's your fiances' friend. Are you good friends? or just friends via him? Not trying to be mean at all, but maybe they don't care if you come and you are invited because you are the SO. Do what you need to get done in NY.

I wouldn't even call us friends, acquaintances? I couldn't even tell you for certain his last name... definitely not hers, couldn't even pick her out of a line up, unless she was the only blonde... the guys hang out together, but not at our house, so I never see him, and like I said, I met her once, for about 10 mins over 2 years ago...
I don't think they'd miss me, as I'm just FI's +1, but wouldn't want to be rude as FI said the groom said they were planning on coming to NYC.

I would try to go to this other wedding. It might be nice to get a breather for a few hours before the pre-wedding chaos sets in. And you might notice things at this wedding that will change/modify what you do at your own. "Interesting, the guest book table being right there is creating a logjam at the entrance. I'll have to ask my venue to put my table in that other place. Hmm, I have to wait in the bar line to get a water, at my wedding I'll have pitchers and clean glasses in another location for people who want water." It might be fun to be secretly judgy.

Ya, true. But the thing that gets me is instead of having Sat and Sun for errands, I'll only have Weds/Thurs/Friday, since I'll have to fly out Sunday morning, which puts me there no earlier than 2pm, taxi to the hotel, check in etc I'm at 4pm, and really, what can you get done after 4 on a Sunday? Niente.

What do you need to get done that takes 5 full days, though?

I can tell you from experience- Nothing.

I had to pick up my dress the Thursday before my wedding. . . I imagine you are flying into NYC with yours. I had my nails done on Friday, dropped my vases and votive holders that I DIY'd off at my venue, and then had my rehearsal and RD that night. . . you are probably doing the same.

There's really nothing else that needs to be done at that point.

pinkcow13 · December 2015

You're totally not rude if you skip the wedding. And if your FI is fine attending without you, then that's totally fine. I think you can still plan to attend though, if you plan ahead.

I only took the day before my wedding off. 2 days before my wedding I went to the 9/11 museum with my coworkers after work, and then ended up passing out super early because of my allergies. The day before the wedding, we did a lot. I bought the cake topper, finished the bouquets, got my nails done, picked up a Certified check for our final payment to the venue, finished the bathroom baskets, took all our stuff to the venue (baskets, flower girl and ring bearer stuff, cake cutters and champagne glasses, etc), bought our BM/GM gifts, and still met with one of my BM's for dinner the night before. So my point is, you may not need the entire week before your wedding to do wedding stuff if you plan it out.

KnickerGold · December 2015

lyndausvi said:

This might sound harsh, but I find it a bit odd, to lock in 2 days worth of errands and shopping 10 months out. It's weird to me. Like between now and then you can't work in those errands? Really?

No skin off my back. People plan differently, but it's just something I can't comprehend. Escorting my husband to his friend's wedding his would be more important to me than errands. ::shrugs::

Different strokes for different folks.

Well, I'm trying not to fly up there all the time since $$$.
And I'll have 3 dress fittings, plus will need to get my hair cut/colored, nails etc.

It's a moot point anyway, FI talked to Groom last night, turns out Bride decided to only invite married couples... so dodged a bullet by a week!

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

lyndausvi said:

This might sound harsh, but I find it a bit odd, to lock in 2 days worth of errands and shopping 10 months out. It's weird to me. Like between now and then you can't work in those errands? Really?

No skin off my back. People plan differently, but it's just something I can't comprehend. Escorting my husband to his friend's wedding his would be more important to me than errands. ::shrugs::

Different strokes for different folks.

Well, I'm trying not to fly up there all the time since $$$.
And I'll have 3 dress fittings, plus will need to get my hair cut/colored, nails etc.

It's a moot point anyway, FI talked to Groom last night, turns out Bride decided to only invite married couples... so dodged a bullet by a week!

Did I read that right? They invited your FI and not you because you're not married?

Note to lurkers - that is INCREDIBLY rude. If an adult guest has a significant other, you invite the SO. It doesn't matter if they've been married for 20 years or have been dating for a month.

lyndausvi · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

lyndausvi said:

This might sound harsh, but I find it a bit odd, to lock in 2 days worth of errands and shopping 10 months out. It's weird to me. Like between now and then you can't work in those errands? Really?

No skin off my back. People plan differently, but it's just something I can't comprehend. Escorting my husband to his friend's wedding his would be more important to me than errands. ::shrugs::

Different strokes for different folks.

Well, I'm trying not to fly up there all the time since $$$.
And I'll have 3 dress fittings, plus will need to get my hair cut/colored, nails etc.

It's a moot point anyway, FI talked to Groom last night, turns out Bride decided to only invite married couples... so dodged a bullet by a week!

wow.

lovegood90 · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

lyndausvi said:

This might sound harsh, but I find it a bit odd, to lock in 2 days worth of errands and shopping 10 months out. It's weird to me. Like between now and then you can't work in those errands? Really?

No skin off my back. People plan differently, but it's just something I can't comprehend. Escorting my husband to his friend's wedding his would be more important to me than errands. ::shrugs::

Different strokes for different folks.

Well, I'm trying not to fly up there all the time since $$$.
And I'll have 3 dress fittings, plus will need to get my hair cut/colored, nails etc.

It's a moot point anyway, FI talked to Groom last night, turns out Bride decided to only invite married couples... so dodged a bullet by a week!

What the hell? Why is your Fi still planning on going?

madamerwin · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

lyndausvi said:

This might sound harsh, but I find it a bit odd, to lock in 2 days worth of errands and shopping 10 months out. It's weird to me. Like between now and then you can't work in those errands? Really?

No skin off my back. People plan differently, but it's just something I can't comprehend. Escorting my husband to his friend's wedding his would be more important to me than errands. ::shrugs::

Different strokes for different folks.

Well, I'm trying not to fly up there all the time since $$$.
And I'll have 3 dress fittings, plus will need to get my hair cut/colored, nails etc.

It's a moot point anyway, FI talked to Groom last night, turns out Bride decided to only invite married couples... so dodged a bullet by a week!

Well THAT is certainly not ok... Lurkers: You must invite guests' significant others, whether they have been dating for 6 months or married for 20 years. How can you (general) ask someone to take time out of their lives to celebrate your relationship when you don't even respect theirs?

ETA: If I were your FI, I would decline this invitation on principle.

TNDancer · December 2015

What? Isn't she already planning to go to your wedding one week after hers. That's ridiculous.

Liatris2010 · December 2015

Our wedding was on our hometown, but we live faaar away. So, we went home a week before the wedding to make sure everything was good to go. We really didn't need to. Really all I had to do was purchase and drop off centerpieces and place cards and have my dress steamed. Could have been done in 2 days, 3 max. So if you want to go to the wedding, go. If you don't want to go, just say you already have a trip planned. Not a big deal either way.

KnickerGold · December 2015

Ya, once he told me I was like 'Wait you didn't say I was thinking of possibly not going, right?' He assured me he hadn't, but friend had called as he didn't realize bride wasn't inviting Fiancees/SOs, and didn't want me/FI to plan on me going knowing our wedding was a week later (groom is awesome- must make a point to get to know him better!)

As far as I've heard, yes, they're both planning on attending our wedding!
I am unsure if FI will attend their wedding, not my call, but he did find it odd that you could 'cut out' people like that, to which I replied 'Well, you can do whatever you want, but it's horribly rude and that's what people will remember!'

Rude to skip wedding to prepare for mine?

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