I am a Bridesmaid Dealing with an ungrateful Bride

Knottie1452198848 · January 2016

There are a total of three BM in the wedding. Wedding is this March
I spent most of last weekend printing and addressing the invitations for the wedding. It took me a while to complete the invitations because I had printer issues. Sunday night the bride calls me because she feels like time is running out and nobody is doing anything. I was so upset since I spent most of my weekend doing her invites. During the phone call the bride also tells me that she might as well forget about a shower and batchlorett party because nobody has asked about what she wants.

Later during the week the bride asks me if me an't the other BM have made any plans for her shower. I mention that I was thinking of doing her bridal shower at my place. The bride tells me no because you don't a bridal shower at your home & she thought that we were doing her shower at a restaurant. One of he reasons why I suggested my place is because me and the other BM can't afford to do her shower at a restaurant. I lost my job in September and in November I was unable to work because I had major surgery. I do start a new job on Monday its a base plus commission however it will be at least one month before I start receiving commission.
Would it be wrong to explain to her that I can not afford to throw her a shower at a restaurant?

Sherbie25 · January 2016

It infuriates me when people behave like this towards their supposed friends and family, but it enrages me even more when people allow themselves to be treated like this! For goodness sake tell her no! Why the hell are you spending your weekend making her invitations, while she sits happy as Larry?! She must know you have no job and have been unwell, but still she's demanding so much. I'd tell her to fuck off. If you're nicer than me, bluntly say you cannot afford a restaurant and if she isn't happy with what you are able to provide then she gets nothing. Also tell her that etiquette states that she arranges her own goddam wedding and the wedding party help out when they OFFER, not when it's demanded of them.

JediElizabeth · January 2016

Knottie1452198848 said:

There are a total of three BM in the wedding. Wedding is this March
I spent most of last weekend printing and addressing the invitations for the wedding. It took me a while to complete the invitations because I had printer issues. Sunday night the bride calls me because she feels like time is running out and nobody is doing anything. I was so upset since I spent most of my weekend doing her invites. During the phone call the bride also tells me that she might as well forget about a shower and batchlorett party because nobody has asked about what she wants.

Later during the week the bride asks me if me an't the other BM have made any plans for her shower. I mention that I was thinking of doing her bridal shower at my place. The bride tells me no because you don't a bridal shower at your home & she thought that we were doing her shower at a restaurant. One of he reasons why I suggested my place is because me and the other BM can't afford to do her shower at a restaurant. I lost my job in September and in November I was unable to work because I had major surgery. I do start a new job on Monday its a base plus commission however it will be at least one month before I start receiving commission.
Would it be wrong to explain to her that I can not afford to throw her a shower at a restaurant?

I think it would be wrong of you to try to scrape together that money, knowing that you can't afford it, and wrong of her to even think of accepting.

You've offered to throw her a shower - a gift, by which you spend time and money on decorations, invitations and refreshments to throw a party in which she is a guest of honor and gets lots of gifts. And that's not enough? How selfish!

Stand up for yourself and let the bride know what you're willing to do for her. Set boundaries. If she doesn't respect them, that will tell you a whole lot about how much she respects you.

bb2016 · January 2016

It would absolutely not be wrong for your to tell her that you're unable to throw her a bridal shower at a restaurant. She should be happy enough that you have offered to throw her a shower at your house. She is not entitled to make these demands of you. It is bad enough that you already spent your weekend addressing the invitations. Don't put up with this from the Bride, she's being a brat and you don't have to deal with it.

MairePoppy · January 2016

If the bride doesn't like the shower you offered to throw for her, she should politely decline. She shouldn't be telling you how to plan the party. The host, not the bride, sets the budget. Tell her that you won't be able to host the shower in a restaurant and hope someone else will step up. Withdraw your offer.

By the way, when you were out of work and had major surgery, what did this friend do for you? Did she offer to do errands, bring you soup, send a card, anything?

AddieCake · January 2016

Tell her no.

jacques27 · January 2016

Your "friend" sucks. You shouldn't have to explain anything. You are offering her the gift of hosting a party in her honor. If she doesn't like the kind of party you choose to host and can afford, then she declines your offer and she can just wait until someone else is willing to offer a party more suited to her liking.

Also, for what it's worth, I have never been to a shower at a restaurant. I didn't even know that was a thing before coming to this board. All showers in my circle, wedding or baby, have always been held in someone's home. The one baby shower I attended that wasn't was in a rented room at a National Guard Armory because they invited a lot of people (more than they should have, I think) and could not accommodate that size crowd in anyone's home.

Knottie1452198848 · January 2016

Bride did not visit me at home when I was recovering from my surgery. I too thought that bridal showers were done at someone's home or a hotel.

JediElizabeth · January 2016

Knottie1452198848 said:

Bride did not visit me at home when I was recovering from my surgery. I too thought that bridal showers were done at someone's home or a hotel.

It's not a matter of where they "are done." They can be anywhere - at a home, a hotel, a restaurant, outside....it's whatever the host wants to do, within her budget, which makes sense for the guest list (which again, is based on what the host can afford, as well as who's invited to the wedding and possibly the bride's input).

As for not visiting you or helping out when you had surgery...I'd reevaluate the friendship based on that alone.

MairePoppy · January 2016

Knottie1452198848 said:

Bride did not visit me at home when I was recovering from my surgery. I too thought that bridal showers were done at someone's home or a hotel.

It seems like you are a much better friend than she is. Don't let her take advantage of you. If it was me, I would tell her I am unable to host the shower. Maybe the next time someone offers to do something for her, she'll be gracious about it.

I hope you are feeling well after your surgery.

softkittywarmkitty · January 2016

I'd accidently set those invites on fire....oops. And by thecway, I no longer want to be apart of your wedding, or your life. I'm feeling so much better after surgery, thanks for all your concern.

But....I'm a bitch.

aurianna · January 2016

Ew ew ew.
While I have been to showers at restaurants, I've been to far more in homes. I'm not sure what kind of fantasy world this girl lives in where she thinks her supposed nearest and dearest are obligated to throw her a fancy pants present party in a restaurant. Or that she thinks that the clock running out of time before her wedding is anyone's problem but her and her fiance's.

I wouldn't want to throw this very ungrateful friend any kind of shower. But if you still want to, next time you feel like talking about it say something like:
"Friend, I'd like to throw you a shower at my home either the weekend of x, y, or z. I am thinking of an early afternoon shower where I will serve snacks and light refreshments. I can host up to x number of guests. If this works can you let me know which weekend works best and who you'd like me to invite by x date."

If you get anything besides a "Thank you! The weekend of x works best and I will get you a list as soon as possible," then run. Or, depending on how you feel like responding you can say a number of other things (be curt, still be begrudgingly helpful, be completely honest, etc)
"It's not feasible for me to throw anything more than what I've offered. If anyone else offers to throw you a shower you can let them know they are free to talk to me and I will let them know in what ways I can contribute."
or
"Friend, honestly I feel hurt and unappreciated. I already felt that I've contributed a lot, like addressing your invites and offering to throw you a party. I was surprised that you didn't feel the same, especially considering my recent health and financial situation. I wanted to throw a shower as a gift to you, and doing it in my home was the best way for me to do so. Hearing that that wasn't good enough because it wasn't in a restaurant not only hurt me, but makes me feel used and unappreciated... and frankly makes me no longer wish to throw anything at all.
I am your friend and want to be treated as such. I'm excited about your wedding and there are some wedding tasks I'm happy to offer my help with. But in the end this is your wedding and none of it is my responsibility. I feel that you might have extra expectations of me and the bridal party which is not fair to us.... so suck it, bitch" (or end it a nice way. Whatever).

softkittywarmkitty · January 2016

Jen4948 · January 2016

No, it wouldn't be wrong.

Whenever I see these stories about brides acting entitled and complaining about how little bridesmaids who are in reality overburdened are doing for them, I think it's time for an overdue come-to-Jesus to clarify exactly what is reasonable for them to expect.

In your case, I think you need to make clear to her exactly how much time, money, and effort you've so far put in for her, including on her invitations, and set some boundaries, such as no restaurant or other unaffordable venues for her bachelorette party, and no other demands on your time or wallet that don't work for you.

MobKaz · January 2016

aurianna said:

Ew ew ew.
While I have been to showers at restaurants, I've been to far more in homes. I'm not sure what kind of fantasy world this girl lives in where she thinks her supposed nearest and dearest are obligated to throw her a fancy pants present party in a restaurant. Or that she thinks that the clock running out of time before her wedding is anyone's problem but her and her fiance's.

I wouldn't want to throw this very ungrateful friend any kind of shower. But if you still want to, next time you feel like talking about it say something like:
"Friend, I'd like to throw you a shower at my home either the weekend of x, y, or z. I am thinking of an early afternoon shower where I will serve snacks and light refreshments. I can host up to x number of guests. If this works can you let me know which weekend works best and who you'd like me to invite by x date."

If you get anything besides a "Thank you! The weekend of x works best and I will get you a list as soon as possible," then run. Or, depending on how you feel like responding you can say a number of other things (be curt, still be begrudgingly helpful, be completely honest, etc)
"It's not feasible for me to throw anything more than what I've offered. If anyone else offers to throw you a shower you can let them know they are free to talk to me and I will let them know in what ways I can contribute."
or
"Friend, honestly I feel hurt and unappreciated. I already felt that I've contributed a lot, like addressing your invites and offering to throw you a party. I was surprised that you didn't feel the same, especially considering my recent health and financial situation. I wanted to throw a shower as a gift to you, and doing it in my home was the best way for me to do so. Hearing that that wasn't good enough because it wasn't in a restaurant not only hurt me, but makes me feel used and unappreciated... and frankly makes me no longer wish to throw anything at all.
I am your friend and want to be treated as such. I'm excited about your wedding and there are some wedding tasks I'm happy to offer my help with. But in the end this is your wedding and none of it is my responsibility. I feel that you might have extra expectations of me and the bridal party which is not fair to us.... so suck it, bitch" (or end it a nice way. Whatever).

BOOM!

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

I've been to plenty of showers in someone's house.

This bride is taking advantage of you. Stand firm and do what you can afford. Don't do anything out of guilt.

downtondiva · January 2016

It would absolutely not be wrong at all for you to tell this so-called friend that you can't afford a bridal shower in a restaurant. She is the one who is wrong for pressuring you and the other bridesmaids on this issue. You need to tell her that what you've offered is what you can afford, and stand your ground. If she doesn't like it, she'll just have to accept that she's not getting a shower.
For what it's worth, by the way, my shower was at my mother's house (the house I grew up in) and it was so awesome and much more relaxed than it would've been in a restaurant.

I may be taking things too far, OP, but are you sure you even want to be in this wedding at this point? It sounds like you've been through a lot lately, and are still going through a lot, and your "friend" hasn't been supportive at all and only seems interested in using you for her own purposes. I don't think she deserves your friendship or your help with the wedding. Either way, I'm sorry you are going through this and best of luck at your new job.

SP29 · January 2016

The sense of entitlement is astounding.... Your "friend" is being a crappy friend.

The only persons responsible for planning the wedding are the bride and groom. You have done more than enough by printing her invitations- this is something she and her FI should have done.

A shower can be held anywhere- just like any other party. There is no "THIS is where X should happen". You offer the bride what you are comfortable and able to provide, and if she doesn't like it, she declines, and that is it.

I love what @aurianna said. Start with option 1- this is what I have to offer, and if she continues to be a brat, head straight for option 3- you are being a bratty, shitty friend.

Please stand up for yourself! You are not a mat to have someone else's feet wiped on. You are only responsible to show up the day of, in the agreed upon dress. Anything else is a gift YOU offer, not what she demands.

AddieCake · January 2016

I've never been to a shower NOT at someone's house.

Knottie1452198848 · January 2016

Thank you everyone for the advice and kind thoughts. When the bride calls me I am going to talk to her about the shower and how hurt I feel. My boyfriend pointed out to me today that I am 8 weeks post surgical and need to still focus on my recovery and my new job. I will let you all know what happens.

MobKaz · January 2016

Knottie1452198848 said:

Thank you everyone for the advice and kind thoughts. When the bride calls me I am going to talk to her about the shower and how hurt I feel. My boyfriend pointed out to me today that I am 8 weeks post surgical and need to still focus on my recovery and my new job. I will let you all know what happens.

I really like your boyfriend!

drunkenwitch · January 2016

I have hosted a lot of bridal showers, every last one was at someone's home. Every one.

MCmeow · January 2016

Never heard of a bridal shower at a restaurant. On TV they're always in homes and whatever. Anyway, I don't know your history with her but from this alone she seems like a horrible friend. I can't imagine what clicks in the mind of bridezillas when they decide it's ok to treat people like this.

kmmssg · January 2016

AddieCake said:

I've never been to a shower NOT at someone's house.

Me either! OP I will be watching for an update after you talk to her. She sounds heinous.

spockforprez · January 2016

AddieCake said:

I've never been to a shower NOT at someone's house.

Me either, until Jan 30! My cousin's shower is that day, in a restaurant. I personally think it will be a little awk opening gifts in public, but hey!

Maggie0829 · January 2016

First, what the F*#& are you do printing, assembling, and addressing HER invitations?! Like, what the hell?

As for the shower your "friend" does not get to dictate where a shower is held. Period. She sounds like an ungrateful bitch and I would not be throwing her any type of shower whether it be at your home or a restaurant. I would also not be doing anything else at all for this wedding.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

But in regards to the talk about bridal shower and whether they are hosted in homes vs not. I had my bridal shower at a restaurant. It was on the smaller side (only 18 people I think) so we just had a large table in a room off their main dining room, but others patrons still dined near us. I also hosted my sisters bridal shower at a golf club.

I have been to showers in people's homes, in restaurants, and in other venues such as club houses in condominium complexes. In the end it really just comes down to whoever is hosting and what they want to do.

thisismynickname2 · January 2016

Everyone else has nailed it. You tell her you guys can't afford a restaurant, present the ideas you can afford. Same for the bachelorette (if anyone's actually still willing to do that).

I have been to both bridal and baby showers at restaurants, but only a few. I was almost pressured into co-hosting a shower at a restaurant where an overly-pushy fellow bridesmaid worked ("oh but I'll get us 40% off!"). Luckily, the rest of us shot her down because no one could afford it and the bride was happy with the idea her mother had already presented. It seems it's usually someone's wealthy aunt who throws the restaurant showers. It is only my personal opinion that a restaurant shower is somewhat wasteful (unless the host is wealthy) because if the point is to give gifts, the money spent at the restaurant could be spent on gifts! Or not spent at all if the host has other priorities. It's so much more cost effective to do a home shower!

banana468 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

First, what the F*#& are you do printing, assembling, and addressing HER invitations?! Like, what the hell?

As for the shower your "friend" does not get to dictate where a shower is held. Period. She sounds like an ungrateful bitch and I would not be throwing her any type of shower whether it be at your home or a restaurant. I would also not be doing anything else at all for this wedding.

Does the bride think that this is what the WP does after watching what Rachael did in Friends? If that's the case then you should have sex on the invitations too.

I feel like there's a difference between a bride going into moderate bridezilla mode when she's annoying but you don't speak up because it's a whole lot of minor stuff vs. when she's actually asking you to do her shit work.

The time to stand up for yourself is NOW. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. A person who is nice to you but shitty to a waiter isn't a nice person. A person who asked you to be in her wedding because she "loves you" but then tells you that's you're not doing enough of HER WORK isn't a good friend.

climbingsingle · January 2016

About 50% of the showers I've attended have been at a home. The other 50% were either at restaurants or a hall.

OP, have you already purchased your dress for this wedding? If not, I personally would consider dropping out. This bride not only sounds incredibly ungrateful, but also like a really crappy friend too.

TNDancer · January 2016

thisismynickname said:

It is only my personal opinion that a restaurant shower is somewhat wasteful (unless the host is wealthy) because if the point is to give gifts, the money spent at the restaurant could be spent on gifts! Or not spent at all if the host has other priorities. It's so much more cost effective to do a home shower!

My sister's bridal shower ended up at a restaurant by default. The host had wanted it at her home, but so many people declined that it was actually more affordable to eat in a private room. I think there were about 8 of us and it was very nice.

I am a Bridesmaid Dealing with an ungrateful Bride

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