Sister in law troubles

Knottie1451694230 · January 2016

Hi again,
I apologize for not being clear. She is not just a reader. She is his wedding party. He has 1 person. I have 1 person.
The date was decided based on our unchangeable work schedules. She actually said sHe was fine with the date because she kn the only other options was to change the date by a few months forward or back.

Knottie1451694230 · January 2016

The kiddie having the birthday will be turning 2.
To answer who will be watching her children. That will be between her live in nanny or the school teacher who also works for them or her previous childcare provider.
As far as the dress color, he picked a co.or for his fam to wear and i picked a color for my fam to wear. Money def isnt an issue with that much spare money for live in nannies. We also offered to pay for it if that was her issue.

Knottie1451694230 · January 2016

To clarify their behavior issues on at least 5 separate family trips, them here, us there, and us all at neutral location the children are constantly screaming. 1 has frequent meltdowns to the point of alientating other kids their age. Ive seen 1 kid be aggressive towards adults, even spittting in adult's face, all without more than a "oh my gosh no". These are def kids that are never told no and i Have never seen consequences.
Their behavior is so bad that the grandpare ts refuse to be with the kids withthe parents or hired help.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

Knottie1451694230 said:
Hi again,
I apologize for not being clear. She is not just a reader. She is his wedding party. He has 1 person. I have 1 person.
The date was decided based on our unchangeable work schedules. She actually said sHe was fine with the date because she kn the only other options was to change the date by a few months forward or back.

Knottie1451694230 said:
The kiddie having the birthday will be turning 2.
To answer who will be watching her children. That will be between her live in nanny or the school teacher who also works for them or her previous childcare provider.
As far as the dress color, he picked a co.or for his fam to wear and i picked a color for my fam to wear. Money def isnt an issue with that much spare money for live in nannies. We also offered to pay for it if that was her issue.

Knottie1451694230 said:
To clarify their behavior issues on at least 5 separate family trips, them here, us there, and us all at neutral location the children are constantly screaming. 1 has frequent meltdowns to the point of alientating other kids their age. Ive seen 1 kid be aggressive towards adults, even spittting in adult's face, all without more than a "oh my gosh no". These are def kids that are never told no and i Have never seen consequences.
Their behavior is so bad that the grandpare ts refuse to be with the kids withthe parents or hired help.

Several things:
1) If you discuss why the kids are not invited, do not go into their behavior. Simply say that you are not inviting any children.
2) Is she standing on his side? Then that's his issue.
3) If she decides to attend just the ceremony, that is perfectly fine.

I think all communications at this point with her should come from your FI.

scrunchythief · January 2016

Knottie1451694230 said:

Hi again,
I apologize for not being clear. She is not just a reader. She is his wedding party. He has 1 person. I have 1 person.
The date was decided based on our unchangeable work schedules. She actually said sHe was fine with the date because she kn the only other options was to change the date by a few months forward or back.

I was my friend's whole wedding party and her SIL was the whole of the groom's side. We wore totally different floor length dresses in different shades of blue (mine was brighter) and it looked really nice and unified, if you like that sort of thing.

APDSS22 · January 2016

Knottie1451694230 said:
The kiddie having the birthday will be turning 2.
To answer who will be watching her children. That will be between her live in nanny or the school teacher who also works for them or her previous childcare provider.
As far as the dress color, he picked a co.or for his fam to wear and i picked a color for my fam to wear. Money def isnt an issue with that much spare money for live in nannies. We also offered to pay for it if that was her issue.

Maybe I read this wrong, but did you mean to say you have picked a color for your whole family to wear (not just the 1 person wedding party) and he has done the same for his family? Because it is incredibly rude to dictate what your guests who are not being honored as part of your wedding party wear. Also, you end up looking like your guests are on opposing "teams" rather than guests to a wedding where they become one family.

Jen4948 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Now if I were OP then I would have not only invited the nieces/nephews, but then also had a cake and balloons at the RD for the birthday boy. Yes, it is your wedding, but that doesn't mean that everything else just stops being important.

And both the OP and her FI are to blame in this. I mean this person is the grooms sister for crying out loud. Even if he didn't know the exact date of his nephews birthday I am sure he knows a close approximation (end of May or whatever) and probably should have talked to his sister before making a definite date for the wedding.

But I agree with Lynda. You put her is a really shitty position and I think she is handling it pretty darn well. She will be there for your wedding which is the most important part.

Does everything else stop being important just because it's some kid's birthday?

He may be entitled to be brought to the wedding, but he is not entitled to have it be his own birthday celebration, any more than the OP can be expected to ignore that her wedding coincides with someone else's birthday or special event.

Given that there are 365 or 366 days in the year, every day is someone else's birthday, wedding, or other special occasion. Something this kid has to learn is that life doesn't stop just because it's his birthday-and that he is not entitled to expect the whole 24 hours of his birthday to be his celebration. The birthday cake and balloons have to take place on his parents' own time and dime-not at someone else's event.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Now if I were OP then I would have not only invited the nieces/nephews, but then also had a cake and balloons at the RD for the birthday boy. Yes, it is your wedding, but that doesn't mean that everything else just stops being important.

And both the OP and her FI are to blame in this. I mean this person is the grooms sister for crying out loud. Even if he didn't know the exact date of his nephews birthday I am sure he knows a close approximation (end of May or whatever) and probably should have talked to his sister before making a definite date for the wedding.

But I agree with Lynda. You put her is a really shitty position and I think she is handling it pretty darn well. She will be there for your wedding which is the most important part.

Does everything else stop being important just because it's some kid's birthday?

He may be entitled to be brought to the wedding, but he is not entitled to have it be his own birthday celebration, any more than the OP can be expected to ignore that her wedding coincides with someone else's birthday or special event.

Given that there are 365 or 366 days in the year, every day is someone else's birthday, wedding, or other special occasion. Something this kid has to learn is that life doesn't stop just because it's his birthday-and that he is not entitled to expect the whole 24 hours of his birthday to be his celebration. The birthday cake and balloons have to take place on his parents' own time and dime-not at someone else's event.

Did I say that everyone else stops being important because of a kids birthday? No, I didn't. But why can't people celebrate and be happy for two different events/people on the same day? Or is that just too much for people to deal with? Or should all the attention be only on the couple and screw everyone else? This isn't even the wedding day. It is the rehearsal dinner. And we always say that everyone only gets one day. I don't see the harm in recognizing a kids birthday for like 10 minutes at your rehearsal dinner. But I guess I can look past myself and be happy for others even though it may be the day before my wedding.

ETA: This isn't really a shocking response from someone who is so anti-kid.

Jen4948 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Now if I were OP then I would have not only invited the nieces/nephews, but then also had a cake and balloons at the RD for the birthday boy. Yes, it is your wedding, but that doesn't mean that everything else just stops being important.

And both the OP and her FI are to blame in this. I mean this person is the grooms sister for crying out loud. Even if he didn't know the exact date of his nephews birthday I am sure he knows a close approximation (end of May or whatever) and probably should have talked to his sister before making a definite date for the wedding.

But I agree with Lynda. You put her is a really shitty position and I think she is handling it pretty darn well. She will be there for your wedding which is the most important part.

Does everything else stop being important just because it's some kid's birthday?

He may be entitled to be brought to the wedding, but he is not entitled to have it be his own birthday celebration, any more than the OP can be expected to ignore that her wedding coincides with someone else's birthday or special event.

Given that there are 365 or 366 days in the year, every day is someone else's birthday, wedding, or other special occasion. Something this kid has to learn is that life doesn't stop just because it's his birthday-and that he is not entitled to expect the whole 24 hours of his birthday to be his celebration. The birthday cake and balloons have to take place on his parents' own time and dime-not at someone else's event.

Did I say that everyone else stops being important because of a kids birthday? No, I didn't. But why can't people celebrate and be happy for two different events/people on the same day? Or is that just too much for people to deal with? Or should all the attention be only on the couple and screw everyone else? This isn't even the wedding day. It is the rehearsal dinner. And we always say that everyone only gets one day. I don't see the harm in recognizing a kids birthday for like 10 minutes at your rehearsal dinner. But I guess I can look past myself and be happy for others even though it may be the day before my wedding.

ETA: This isn't really a shocking response from someone who is so anti-kid.

Just how shocking is it that you engage in an ad hominem attack against someone who disagrees with you? And for what it's worth, I'm not anti-kid, I'm against the idea that he is automatically entitled to a birthday celebration at someone else's wedding simply because it falls on his birthday.

As to why people can't celebrate and be happy for two different events/people on the same day, did every single guest attending the wedding accept an invitation to a kids' birthday party as well? Did they also accept invitations to celebrate the birthday/anniversary/graduation/special occasion of everyone else whose birthday might fall on that day who might be there? I doubt it.

There is no reason why people can't be happy for other people, but this particular occasion is one couple's wedding-not a "Let's celebrate every single occasion that takes place today under the sun!" day. The couple is not required to acknowledge, let alone pay for, a celebration for every single other event that occurs on the same day as their wedding. If anyone wants to celebrate anything else, more power to them-but don't expect the couple to acknowledge it at their wedding. They can do it on their own time and dime.

The kid will have other opportunities to celebrate his birthday. But we always tell bridal couples that they only get one day to celebrate their wedding.

banana468 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Now if I were OP then I would have not only invited the nieces/nephews, but then also had a cake and balloons at the RD for the birthday boy. Yes, it is your wedding, but that doesn't mean that everything else just stops being important.

And both the OP and her FI are to blame in this. I mean this person is the grooms sister for crying out loud. Even if he didn't know the exact date of his nephews birthday I am sure he knows a close approximation (end of May or whatever) and probably should have talked to his sister before making a definite date for the wedding.

But I agree with Lynda. You put her is a really shitty position and I think she is handling it pretty darn well. She will be there for your wedding which is the most important part.

Does everything else stop being important just because it's some kid's birthday?

He may be entitled to be brought to the wedding, but he is not entitled to have it be his own birthday celebration, any more than the OP can be expected to ignore that her wedding coincides with someone else's birthday or special event.

Given that there are 365 or 366 days in the year, every day is someone else's birthday, wedding, or other special occasion. Something this kid has to learn is that life doesn't stop just because it's his birthday-and that he is not entitled to expect the whole 24 hours of his birthday to be his celebration. The birthday cake and balloons have to take place on his parents' own time and dime-not at someone else's event.

Did I say that everyone else stops being important because of a kids birthday? No, I didn't. But why can't people celebrate and be happy for two different events/people on the same day? Or is that just too much for people to deal with? Or should all the attention be only on the couple and screw everyone else? This isn't even the wedding day. It is the rehearsal dinner. And we always say that everyone only gets one day. I don't see the harm in recognizing a kids birthday for like 10 minutes at your rehearsal dinner. But I guess I can look past myself and be happy for others even though it may be the day before my wedding.

ETA: This isn't really a shocking response from someone who is so anti-kid.

The OP is also making it rather difficult to HAVE a celebration on the kid's birthday on the mom's time if she's wanting mom at all these events. You can't do the 'mom you need to be here for all the things' line and then also say that mom should create a birthday celebration for the kid on her own time as well.

I'm going to say that by 2 the kid may have an idea of what's going on and a cupcake going the kid's way is low effort. I wouldn't expect that for an adult but it's a kid and the kid is the nephew of the groom.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Now if I were OP then I would have not only invited the nieces/nephews, but then also had a cake and balloons at the RD for the birthday boy. Yes, it is your wedding, but that doesn't mean that everything else just stops being important.

And both the OP and her FI are to blame in this. I mean this person is the grooms sister for crying out loud. Even if he didn't know the exact date of his nephews birthday I am sure he knows a close approximation (end of May or whatever) and probably should have talked to his sister before making a definite date for the wedding.

But I agree with Lynda. You put her is a really shitty position and I think she is handling it pretty darn well. She will be there for your wedding which is the most important part.

Does everything else stop being important just because it's some kid's birthday?

He may be entitled to be brought to the wedding, but he is not entitled to have it be his own birthday celebration, any more than the OP can be expected to ignore that her wedding coincides with someone else's birthday or special event.

Given that there are 365 or 366 days in the year, every day is someone else's birthday, wedding, or other special occasion. Something this kid has to learn is that life doesn't stop just because it's his birthday-and that he is not entitled to expect the whole 24 hours of his birthday to be his celebration. The birthday cake and balloons have to take place on his parents' own time and dime-not at someone else's event.

Did I say that everyone else stops being important because of a kids birthday? No, I didn't. But why can't people celebrate and be happy for two different events/people on the same day? Or is that just too much for people to deal with? Or should all the attention be only on the couple and screw everyone else? This isn't even the wedding day. It is the rehearsal dinner. And we always say that everyone only gets one day. I don't see the harm in recognizing a kids birthday for like 10 minutes at your rehearsal dinner. But I guess I can look past myself and be happy for others even though it may be the day before my wedding.

ETA: This isn't really a shocking response from someone who is so anti-kid.

Just how shocking is it that you engage in an ad hominem attack against someone who disagrees with you? And for what it's worth, I'm not anti-kid, I'm against the idea that he is automatically entitled to a birthday celebration at someone else's wedding simply because it falls on his birthday.

As to why people can't celebrate and be happy for two different events/people on the same day, did every single guest attending the wedding accept an invitation to a kids' birthday party as well? Did they also accept invitations to celebrate the birthday/anniversary/graduation/special occasion of everyone else whose birthday might fall on that day who might be there? I doubt it.

There is no reason why people can't be happy for other people, but this particular occasion is one couple's wedding-not a "Let's celebrate every single occasion that takes place today under the sun!" day. The couple is not required to acknowledge, let alone pay for, a celebration for every single other event that occurs on the same day as their wedding. If anyone wants to celebrate anything else, more power to them-but don't expect the couple to acknowledge it at their wedding. They can do it on their own time and dime.

The kid will have other opportunities to celebrate his birthday. But we always tell bridal couples that they only get one day to celebrate their wedding.

What I suggested was NOT AT THE FREAKING WEDDING! It was at the rehearsal. And did you not expect me to respond to such a ridiculous post? I mean you did quote my post and bolded a portion of that and responded to that portion. And yes you are anti-kid. To say you aren't is laughable. And that is coming from a person who is not a huge fan of kids herself.

I am talking about 10 minutes of bringing out a cake and singing happy birthday to a damn 2 year old. Hell, I would do the same if a friend or family member (of any age) that was attending a rehearsal had a birthday. It shows that you still care about those around you, their lives, and aren't overly concerned about yourself. But I guess that is too much for you.

Jen4948 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Now if I were OP then I would have not only invited the nieces/nephews, but then also had a cake and balloons at the RD for the birthday boy. Yes, it is your wedding, but that doesn't mean that everything else just stops being important.

And both the OP and her FI are to blame in this. I mean this person is the grooms sister for crying out loud. Even if he didn't know the exact date of his nephews birthday I am sure he knows a close approximation (end of May or whatever) and probably should have talked to his sister before making a definite date for the wedding.

But I agree with Lynda. You put her is a really shitty position and I think she is handling it pretty darn well. She will be there for your wedding which is the most important part.

Does everything else stop being important just because it's some kid's birthday?

He may be entitled to be brought to the wedding, but he is not entitled to have it be his own birthday celebration, any more than the OP can be expected to ignore that her wedding coincides with someone else's birthday or special event.

Given that there are 365 or 366 days in the year, every day is someone else's birthday, wedding, or other special occasion. Something this kid has to learn is that life doesn't stop just because it's his birthday-and that he is not entitled to expect the whole 24 hours of his birthday to be his celebration. The birthday cake and balloons have to take place on his parents' own time and dime-not at someone else's event.

Did I say that everyone else stops being important because of a kids birthday? No, I didn't. But why can't people celebrate and be happy for two different events/people on the same day? Or is that just too much for people to deal with? Or should all the attention be only on the couple and screw everyone else? This isn't even the wedding day. It is the rehearsal dinner. And we always say that everyone only gets one day. I don't see the harm in recognizing a kids birthday for like 10 minutes at your rehearsal dinner. But I guess I can look past myself and be happy for others even though it may be the day before my wedding.

ETA: This isn't really a shocking response from someone who is so anti-kid.

Just how shocking is it that you engage in an ad hominem attack against someone who disagrees with you? And for what it's worth, I'm not anti-kid, I'm against the idea that he is automatically entitled to a birthday celebration at someone else's wedding simply because it falls on his birthday.

As to why people can't celebrate and be happy for two different events/people on the same day, did every single guest attending the wedding accept an invitation to a kids' birthday party as well? Did they also accept invitations to celebrate the birthday/anniversary/graduation/special occasion of everyone else whose birthday might fall on that day who might be there? I doubt it.

There is no reason why people can't be happy for other people, but this particular occasion is one couple's wedding-not a "Let's celebrate every single occasion that takes place today under the sun!" day. The couple is not required to acknowledge, let alone pay for, a celebration for every single other event that occurs on the same day as their wedding. If anyone wants to celebrate anything else, more power to them-but don't expect the couple to acknowledge it at their wedding. They can do it on their own time and dime.

The kid will have other opportunities to celebrate his birthday. But we always tell bridal couples that they only get one day to celebrate their wedding.

What I suggested was NOT AT THE FREAKING WEDDING! It was at the rehearsal. And did you not expect me to respond to such a ridiculous post? And yes you are anti-kid. To say you aren't is laughable. And that is coming from a person who is not a huge fan of kids herself.

I am talking about 10 minutes of bringing out a cake and singing happy birthday to a damn 2 year old. Hell, I would do the same if a friend or family member (of any age) that was attending a rehearsal had a birthday. It shows that you still care about those around you, their lives, and aren't overly concerned about yourself. But I guess that is too much for you.

The fact that you do it does not mean that those who do not are rude or insensitive. You are not entitled to expect everyone else to do so just because you do or to judge them because they don't feel like bringing out a cake and singing happy birthday to a "damn 2 year old" at their wedding or their rehearsal dinner.

And what is laughable is the fact that you still need to engage in ad hominem attacks with those who don't agree with you. Not to mention that calling a 2 year old a "damn 2 year old" makes you come off look a person in a glass house throwing a stone.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

The fact that you do it does not mean that those who do not are rude or insensitive. You are not entitled to expect everyone else to do so just because you do or to judge them because they don't feel like bringing out a cake and singing happy birthday to a "damn 2 year old" at their wedding or their rehearsal dinner.

And what is laughable is the fact that you still need to engage in ad hominem attacks with those who don't agree with you. Not to mention that calling a 2 year old a "damn 2 year old" makes you come off look a person in a glass house throwing a stone.

Edited: to get rid of the long ass quote tree

Jen4948 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

The fact that you do it does not mean that those who do not are rude or insensitive. You are not entitled to expect everyone else to do so just because you do or to judge them because they don't feel like bringing out a cake and singing happy birthday to a "damn 2 year old" at their wedding or their rehearsal dinner.

And what is laughable is the fact that you still need to engage in ad hominem attacks with those who don't agree with you. Not to mention that calling a 2 year old a "damn 2 year old" makes you come off look a person in a glass house throwing a stone.

Edited: to get rid of the long ass quote tree

Yet another ad hominem attack.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

It's not an ad hominem attack to make an observation based on a users posting history. . .

That posting history would suggest that you don't really like kids, at least not at weddings.

Jen4948 · January 2016

PrettyGirlLost said:

It's not an ad hominem attack to make an observation based on a users posting history. . .

That posting history would suggest that you don't really like kids, at least not at weddings.

With me it's situational.

Sometimes I find kids, including kids at weddings, very cute and precious.

Other times, like the following situations, I don't.

I don't like it when parents bring uninvited kids and expect to be admitted, just because it would be "heartless" or whatever to turn the kids away at the door. Sorry, but the kids weren't invited. Parents have no right to expect to bring their uninvited kids just because they're kids, any more than anyone else has the right to bring any other uninvited guest.

I don't like it when kids are forced into roles they don't want or where they aren't old enough to understand what they are being asked to do, solely to "include them" or for the "cuteness" of a photo op. They're "included" just by being there. And when they scream, throw things, hit people, or damage property, they're not being "cute."

I don't like it when parents at weddings don't bother to discipline their kids when they are being disruptive (which does not mean just being there), but when they are being rude or damaging property.

And I don't like it when parents hijack other people's events to make them all about their kids.

In the case of this particular wedding, the kid can celebrate his birthday before, after, or earlier in the day of the rehearsal dinner. There should be no need to do it at the rehearsal dinner itself. Nor should whoever's hosting be required to have a cake and balloons for the kid if they don't want to.

ShesSoCold · January 2016

Oh Jen, how I've missed these posts from you. You're my favorite.

ETA: My brother and SIL got married on one of her friends' birthdays. During dinner, they asking him to stand up and sang happy birthday to him. It was in no way a "birthday party" and it was really sweet of them to acknowledge him. It took like one minute and everyone moved on with their lives.

My friend and I did a shot at my wedding to celebrate the anniversary of landing on the moon. I guess I get a wedding re-do since my wedding was trumped by a moon-landing party.

Jen4948 · January 2016

ShesSoCold said:

Oh Jen, how I've missed these posts from you. You're my favorite.

<sarcasm>Happy to oblige.</sarcasm>

flantastic · January 2016

Don't require the mom's presence at the rehearsal or dinner. Done. If you are gonna have them all there, get the kid a cupcake. Done.

banana468 · January 2016

The kid's birthday is ON the wedding day. The OP has expressed the displeasure that the mom won't attend the rehearsal. It sounds like the easiest thing to do is for SIL to not attend the rehearsal so the 2 yo can celebrate his birthday the night before. Then he's old enough to be happy about the celebration but not so old that he can be disappointed in missing the day of itself.

OP can't have it both ways. Kid deserves his birthday celebration just as the OP gets to have her wedding. OP made things difficult on herself by choosing this ONLY available day in all 365 days of the year which also happens to be at her IL's home. The OP gets to have her day. The rehearsal is NOT her day.

She should consider herself lucky that the kid isn't older. My older one would be really hurt if I left her on her birthday. And at her age, she lacks the reasoning and understanding that parents wouldn't do that unless they felt they had no other choice.

scrunchythief · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

It's not an ad hominem attack to make an observation based on a users posting history. . .

That posting history would suggest that you don't really like kids, at least not at weddings.

With me it's situational.

Sometimes I find kids, including kids at weddings, very cute and precious.

Other times, like the following situations, I don't.

I don't like it when parents bring uninvited kids and expect to be admitted, just because it would be "heartless" or whatever to turn the kids away at the door. Sorry, but the kids weren't invited. Parents have no right to expect to bring their uninvited kids just because they're kids, any more than anyone else has the right to bring any other uninvited guest.

I don't like it when kids are forced into roles they don't want or where they aren't old enough to understand what they are being asked to do, solely to "include them" or for the "cuteness" of a photo op. They're "included" just by being there. And when they scream, throw things, hit people, or damage property, they're not being "cute."

I don't like it when parents at weddings don't bother to discipline their kids when they are being disruptive (which does not mean just being there), but when they are being rude or damaging property.

And I don't like it when parents hijack other people's events to make them all about their kids.

In the case of this particular wedding, the kid can celebrate his birthday before, after, or earlier in the day of the rehearsal dinner. There should be no need to do it at the rehearsal dinner itself. Nor should whoever's hosting be required to have a cake and balloons for the kid if they don't want to.

I am very pro-kids and I agree with most of this. However, in this case, the child's birthday is on the day of the wedding, and his mom is in the WP. I think by not inviting his nephew, the groom is putting his sister in a really tough spot. I wouldn't want to leave my daughter with a sitter for a very long chunk of her birthday, and I wouldn't want to miss my brother's wedding. It's not as easy for the mom to just decline if she wants to celebrate her son's birthday that evening.

lyndausvi · January 2016

My grandfather's girlfriend/companion was turning 104 years old a few days after my wedding. I had planned on having a cupcake and sing to her for her birthday AT THE WEDDING. At the last minute she was unable to attend, but that was the plan.

My parent's 40th anniversary was the day after my wedding. I still recognized their anniversary at my wedding.

My SIL/BIL got married on our anniversary. They played our wedding song.

I feel like my SIL and I are special snowflakes for being able to celebrate more than one event on our wedding day.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

banana468 said:
The kid's birthday is ON the wedding day. The OP has expressed the displeasure that the mom won't attend the rehearsal. It sounds like the easiest thing to do is for SIL to not attend the rehearsal so the 2 yo can celebrate his birthday the night before. Then he's old enough to be happy about the celebration but not so old that he can be disappointed in missing the day of itself.

OP can't have it both ways. Kid deserves his birthday celebration just as the OP gets to have her wedding. OP made things difficult on herself by choosing this ONLY available day in all 365 days of the year which also happens to be at her IL's home. The OP gets to have her day. The rehearsal is NOT her day.

She should consider herself lucky that the kid isn't older. My older one would be really hurt if I left her on her birthday. And at her age, she lacks the reasoning and understanding that parents wouldn't do that unless they felt they had no other choice.

Your daughter would be all

lyndausvi · January 2016

holyguacamole79 said:

The kid's birthday is ON the wedding day. The OP has expressed the displeasure that the mom won't attend the rehearsal. It sounds like the easiest thing to do is for SIL to not attend the rehearsal so the 2 yo can celebrate his birthday the night before. Then he's old enough to be happy about the celebration but not so old that he can be disappointed in missing the day of itself.

OP can't have it both ways. Kid deserves his birthday celebration just as the OP gets to have her wedding. OP made things difficult on herself by choosing this ONLY available day in all 365 days of the year which also happens to be at her IL's home. The OP gets to have her day. The rehearsal is NOT her day.

She should consider herself lucky that the kid isn't older. My older one would be really hurt if I left her on her birthday. And at her age, she lacks the reasoning and understanding that parents wouldn't do that unless they felt they had no other choice.

Your daughter would be all

Back in 1979 my dad had business in San Francisco. It was over their anniversary so he brought my mom. My sister's birthday is the day after their anniversary and they were gone for that also.

My sister held a grudge for a VERY long time.

It didn't help that a few months before was my birthday and we were in Disney World. I got to have breakfast with Minnie Mouse, then we flew home. It was only the second time we had been on an airplane so flying was still a big deal. We didn't go to Disney for my birthday. I just happen to be a summer baby and that was the only time that worked.

Jen4948 · January 2016

scrunchythief said:

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

It's not an ad hominem attack to make an observation based on a users posting history. . .

That posting history would suggest that you don't really like kids, at least not at weddings.

With me it's situational.

Sometimes I find kids, including kids at weddings, very cute and precious.

Other times, like the following situations, I don't.

I don't like it when parents bring uninvited kids and expect to be admitted, just because it would be "heartless" or whatever to turn the kids away at the door. Sorry, but the kids weren't invited. Parents have no right to expect to bring their uninvited kids just because they're kids, any more than anyone else has the right to bring any other uninvited guest.

I don't like it when kids are forced into roles they don't want or where they aren't old enough to understand what they are being asked to do, solely to "include them" or for the "cuteness" of a photo op. They're "included" just by being there. And when they scream, throw things, hit people, or damage property, they're not being "cute."

I don't like it when parents at weddings don't bother to discipline their kids when they are being disruptive (which does not mean just being there), but when they are being rude or damaging property.

And I don't like it when parents hijack other people's events to make them all about their kids.

In the case of this particular wedding, the kid can celebrate his birthday before, after, or earlier in the day of the rehearsal dinner. There should be no need to do it at the rehearsal dinner itself. Nor should whoever's hosting be required to have a cake and balloons for the kid if they don't want to.

I am very pro-kids and I agree with most of this. However, in this case, the child's birthday is on the day of the wedding, and his mom is in the WP. I think by not inviting his nephew, the groom is putting his sister in a really tough spot. I wouldn't want to leave my daughter with a sitter for a very long chunk of her birthday, and I wouldn't want to miss my brother's wedding. It's not as easy for the mom to just decline if she wants to celebrate her son's birthday that evening.

I do agree that the child should be invited. But while it would be a nice gesture to celebrate his birthday at the wedding or the rehearsal dinner, I don't think that he (or his parents) have the right to expect it. The hosts can politely decline to do so.

banana468 · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

scrunchythief said:

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

It's not an ad hominem attack to make an observation based on a users posting history. . .

That posting history would suggest that you don't really like kids, at least not at weddings.

With me it's situational.

Sometimes I find kids, including kids at weddings, very cute and precious.

Other times, like the following situations, I don't.

I don't like it when parents bring uninvited kids and expect to be admitted, just because it would be "heartless" or whatever to turn the kids away at the door. Sorry, but the kids weren't invited. Parents have no right to expect to bring their uninvited kids just because they're kids, any more than anyone else has the right to bring any other uninvited guest.

I don't like it when kids are forced into roles they don't want or where they aren't old enough to understand what they are being asked to do, solely to "include them" or for the "cuteness" of a photo op. They're "included" just by being there. And when they scream, throw things, hit people, or damage property, they're not being "cute."

I don't like it when parents at weddings don't bother to discipline their kids when they are being disruptive (which does not mean just being there), but when they are being rude or damaging property.

And I don't like it when parents hijack other people's events to make them all about their kids.

In the case of this particular wedding, the kid can celebrate his birthday before, after, or earlier in the day of the rehearsal dinner. There should be no need to do it at the rehearsal dinner itself. Nor should whoever's hosting be required to have a cake and balloons for the kid if they don't want to.

I am very pro-kids and I agree with most of this. However, in this case, the child's birthday is on the day of the wedding, and his mom is in the WP. I think by not inviting his nephew, the groom is putting his sister in a really tough spot. I wouldn't want to leave my daughter with a sitter for a very long chunk of her birthday, and I wouldn't want to miss my brother's wedding. It's not as easy for the mom to just decline if she wants to celebrate her son's birthday that evening.

I do agree that the child should be invited. But while it would be a nice gesture to celebrate his birthday at the wedding or the rehearsal dinner, I don't think that he (or his parents) have the right to expect it. The hosts can politely decline to do so.

And they can also understand that the parents may opt to do something for the kid because they didn't.

I agree it would be out of place to turn the wedding into a kid's birthday party. But I think it's pretty shitty to do that to a kid - especially when the kid is related to the groom.

This is one of those times that you can do a lot and refer to tons of etiquette references about how you didn't "have" to do anything. But I think that not floating some funfetti towards the kid is pretty craptacular.

lyndausvi · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

scrunchythief said:

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

It's not an ad hominem attack to make an observation based on a users posting history. . .

That posting history would suggest that you don't really like kids, at least not at weddings.

With me it's situational.

Sometimes I find kids, including kids at weddings, very cute and precious.

Other times, like the following situations, I don't.

I don't like it when parents bring uninvited kids and expect to be admitted, just because it would be "heartless" or whatever to turn the kids away at the door. Sorry, but the kids weren't invited. Parents have no right to expect to bring their uninvited kids just because they're kids, any more than anyone else has the right to bring any other uninvited guest.

I don't like it when kids are forced into roles they don't want or where they aren't old enough to understand what they are being asked to do, solely to "include them" or for the "cuteness" of a photo op. They're "included" just by being there. And when they scream, throw things, hit people, or damage property, they're not being "cute."

I don't like it when parents at weddings don't bother to discipline their kids when they are being disruptive (which does not mean just being there), but when they are being rude or damaging property.

And I don't like it when parents hijack other people's events to make them all about their kids.

In the case of this particular wedding, the kid can celebrate his birthday before, after, or earlier in the day of the rehearsal dinner. There should be no need to do it at the rehearsal dinner itself. Nor should whoever's hosting be required to have a cake and balloons for the kid if they don't want to.

I am very pro-kids and I agree with most of this. However, in this case, the child's birthday is on the day of the wedding, and his mom is in the WP. I think by not inviting his nephew, the groom is putting his sister in a really tough spot. I wouldn't want to leave my daughter with a sitter for a very long chunk of her birthday, and I wouldn't want to miss my brother's wedding. It's not as easy for the mom to just decline if she wants to celebrate her son's birthday that evening.

I do agree that the child should be invited. But while it would be a nice gesture to celebrate his birthday at the wedding or the rehearsal dinner, I don't think that he (or his parents) have the right to expect it. The hosts can politely decline to do so.

I don't think anyone thinks the mom is expecting them to do anything. We are saying that WE WOULD, but because we recognize it is a big deal for a child (and parents) at that age.

JediElizabeth · January 2016

Knottie1451694230 said:
Hi again,
I apologize for not being clear. She is not just a reader. She is his wedding party. He has 1 person. I have 1 person.
The date was decided based on our unchangeable work schedules. She actually said she was fine with the date because she kn the only other options was to change the date by a few months forward or back.

Knottie1451694230 said:
The kiddie having the birthday will be turning 2.
To answer who will be watching her children. That will be between her live in nanny or the school teacher who also works for them or her previous childcare provider.
As far as the dress color, he picked a co.or for his fam to wear and i picked a color for my fam to wear. Money def isnt an issue with that much spare money for live in nannies. We also offered to pay for it if that was her issue.

Knottie1451694230 said:
To clarify their behavior issues on at least 5 separate family trips, them here, us there, and us all at neutral location the children are constantly screaming. 1 has frequent meltdowns to the point of alientating other kids their age. Ive seen 1 kid be aggressive towards adults, even spittting in adult's face, all without more than a "oh my gosh no". These are def kids that are never told no and i Have never seen consequences.
Their behavior is so bad that the grandpare ts refuse to be with the kids withthe parents or hired help.

1 - So she said the wedding date was ok because she knew there were few options, and she was trying to work with you. Then, when you let her know her kids couldn't come, she decided to still be there for the wedding, but skip the rehersal dinner in order to celebrate bis birthday. And you think she's unreasonable because she won't give in to your schedule 100%? Sounds like she's trying to work with you & compromise.

2 - Did he pick an unflattering color? Are we trying to put pale yellow on a pale redhead, when your color is green? I don't see why you can't just let her wear something from the wedding colors that she will feel happy and good in.

3 - Her financial situation has nothing to do with this. Why bring it up?

4 - He's almost 2, as you said. I don't know anything about kids and I know that it's called the "terrible twos" for a reason. I feel like you're being awfully judgmental about a toddler's behavior. That said, you're completely within your rights not to invite him; adults only weddings are fine. But that doesn't mean you're within your rights to monopolize his mother the day before and the day of his birthday.

Jen4948 · January 2016

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

scrunchythief said:

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

It's not an ad hominem attack to make an observation based on a users posting history. . .

That posting history would suggest that you don't really like kids, at least not at weddings.

With me it's situational.

Sometimes I find kids, including kids at weddings, very cute and precious.

Other times, like the following situations, I don't.

I don't like it when parents bring uninvited kids and expect to be admitted, just because it would be "heartless" or whatever to turn the kids away at the door. Sorry, but the kids weren't invited. Parents have no right to expect to bring their uninvited kids just because they're kids, any more than anyone else has the right to bring any other uninvited guest.

I don't like it when kids are forced into roles they don't want or where they aren't old enough to understand what they are being asked to do, solely to "include them" or for the "cuteness" of a photo op. They're "included" just by being there. And when they scream, throw things, hit people, or damage property, they're not being "cute."

I don't like it when parents at weddings don't bother to discipline their kids when they are being disruptive (which does not mean just being there), but when they are being rude or damaging property.

And I don't like it when parents hijack other people's events to make them all about their kids.

In the case of this particular wedding, the kid can celebrate his birthday before, after, or earlier in the day of the rehearsal dinner. There should be no need to do it at the rehearsal dinner itself. Nor should whoever's hosting be required to have a cake and balloons for the kid if they don't want to.

I am very pro-kids and I agree with most of this. However, in this case, the child's birthday is on the day of the wedding, and his mom is in the WP. I think by not inviting his nephew, the groom is putting his sister in a really tough spot. I wouldn't want to leave my daughter with a sitter for a very long chunk of her birthday, and I wouldn't want to miss my brother's wedding. It's not as easy for the mom to just decline if she wants to celebrate her son's birthday that evening.

I do agree that the child should be invited. But while it would be a nice gesture to celebrate his birthday at the wedding or the rehearsal dinner, I don't think that he (or his parents) have the right to expect it. The hosts can politely decline to do so.

I don't think anyone thinks the mom is expecting them to do anything. We are saying that WE WOULD, but because we recognize it is a big deal for a child (and parents) at that age.

Yes, it's a nice thing to do. But I'm getting the impression, based on what the OP has said about how this mother parents her kids, that if the child is invited, as the mother wants, she is also going to want some kind of recognition of his birthday as well at the wedding or the rehearsal dinner. If, OP, you want to do that, more power to you, but if not, I don't think you need to.

banana468 · January 2016

I don't think we know that completely.

It also sounds like the kids are young and acting young.

For example - I have two of my own. DD is now 5. My ILs see her and her younger brother far more often than my BIL and SIL's kids. My MIL made some particularly poor comments regarding the behavior of my niece and nephew. Niece is 2 years younger than DD and nephew is the same age as my son. To expect a young child to be like her older cousin is unreasonable. Sure the parenting could be tweaked but sometimes it's also about the adults not understanding that the kids are going to be kids.

My other friend who does NOT have a live-in nanny has 3 young children and refers to the time between their arrival home from school and dinner time as the 'demonic possession hour'. She's a great parent but she can't hold them down and make them do what she wants them to do.

It may be that the kids are spoiled and undisciplined but there isn't any proof of that. We just know that they have a live-in nanny.

Sister in law troubles

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