• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Wedding Woes

Recent Death in the Family and Wedding Planning Etiquette

2

Re: Recent Death in the Family and Wedding Planning Etiquette

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    GBCK said:

    I thought we were a democratic republic?

    Except here on the knut, where we have benevolent knotgod dictators.

    I think we're actually a representative republic.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:

    FWIW, my understanding is that unless there are very serious reasons for doing so, the Catholic Church isn't a big fan of a civil ceremony followed by the Sacramental one.    And *if* a couple is doing this, it's not supposed to be the big hoo ha but should generally be a bit more subdued.  That doesn't mean that a couple can't celebrate having the Convalidation but it's not an occasion for BMs and GM.


    I'm laughing my ass off because hoohah is a term I use to call my vajayjay. . .and you have to say it like AL Pacino, hahahaha!

    My understanding is that if a convalidation is granted, it happens during a regular mass. So no fancy white dress, no walking down the aisle, no bouquets, no attendants, etc.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    CMGragainkimmiinthemittenbanana468spockforprez
  • A friend's parents got a convalidation (not sure if I'm phrasing that correctly) years after their civil ceremony. Both had been married previously, so from my understanding they had to go through the whole annulment process first. They had been married to each other for 20ish years before the convalidation and had kids together. (Half-siblings to my friend.)

    From what I remember, they did have a private ceremony (not during a regularly scheduled mass) and took the immediate family out to celebrate afterwards. They didn't have a PPD just because they had their "church wedding" because they already considered themselves married for the last 20ish years. 
  • tigerlily6tigerlily6 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2016
    My FSIL is from South America. Her and FBIL are talking with a hispanic priest here in the states to get all the Pre-Cana and other church requirements approved and then sent down to the priest there for a Catholic wedding (or convalidation? but it's being called a wedding... not sure what's going on), so presumably they have explained their situation and everything has been figured out. I hope so. 
                        


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • banana468 said:

    FWIW, my understanding is that unless there are very serious reasons for doing so, the Catholic Church isn't a big fan of a civil ceremony followed by the Sacramental one.    And *if* a couple is doing this, it's not supposed to be the big hoo ha but should generally be a bit more subdued.  That doesn't mean that a couple can't celebrate having the Convalidation but it's not an occasion for BMs and GM.


    I'm laughing my ass off because hoohah is a term I use to call my vajayjay. . .and you have to say it like AL Pacino, hahahaha!

    My understanding is that if a convalidation is granted, it happens during a regular mass. So no fancy white dress, no walking down the aisle, no bouquets, no attendants, etc.
    My parents' covalidation was a private affair. Just the priest, my parents, my brother and I.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    *Barbie* said:
    A friend's parents got a convalidation (not sure if I'm phrasing that correctly) years after their civil ceremony. Both had been married previously, so from my understanding they had to go through the whole annulment process first. They had been married to each other for 20ish years before the convalidation and had kids together. (Half-siblings to my friend.)

    From what I remember, they did have a private ceremony (not during a regularly scheduled mass) and took the immediate family out to celebrate afterwards. They didn't have a PPD just because they had their "church wedding" because they already considered themselves married for the last 20ish years. 
    Yeah, they're much more forgiving if there's been some type of conversion experience and you now truly care to be married in the Church, when before you were happy just to be married civilly. What they're not fans of is pretending the legal marriage didn't matter to you and/or you just didn't care to do the work to be married in the Church the first time (typically recently).
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I am not Catholic, but read on the Catholic board that a convalidation can be as elaborate as a wedding. I guess it would depend on the circumstances like if the couple converted to Catholicism after they were married or were getting married after an annulment. Someone said they wore a wedding dress, had attendants and a reception. I was reading the board because my daughter was having a Catholic Mass for her wedding, and I wanted to understand more about Catholicism.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I have friends who got married legally in the states and had their Catholic wedding (white dress and all) in Austria (where the bride is from).    Over there they require a separate civil ceremony anyway.

    In this situation, I would be fine with a church wedding after the fact.  As long as everyone knows what is going on. 








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    collegechiclc07
  • I know this person is gone and this response probably won't be received very well, but whatever.

    My parents did something similar. Her father died, and so their wedding plans got all jumbled. They ended having 3 - check it, 3 - different ceremonies (for their 'proper'/first ceremony they held a small and intimate get together at my grandmother's house instead of a big reception, to honor her father). Granted, I think their first ceremony was more of an elopement with only her mother there to witness in the only church they find open under short notice.

    My FI and I also considered doing a civil ceremony and then an actual wedding later, for financial reasons, and a friend of mine married her wife in a Courthouse recently and they moved to her wife's home in the UK where they will have a full blown wedding. To me, it's no different from vow renewal. When a couple wants to do a vow renewal I've seen others encourage that they can do an actual wedding with a WP and the whole shebang. So, my humble opinion may not be popular, but my unconventional upbringing has taught me that it does not devalue the marriage in any way, my parents for example are still married and have been for 25-26 yrs, and totally up to the couple and their family if they choose to go this route. I've seen it done so many times, I hardly think it matters.
    Knottie1433791078.defunct635887248411526866
  • levioosa said:
    I know this person is gone and this response probably won't be received very well, but whatever.

    My parents did something similar. Her father died, and so their wedding plans got all jumbled. They ended having 3 - check it, 3 - different ceremonies (for their 'proper'/first ceremony they held a small and intimate get together at my grandmother's house instead of a big reception, to honor her father). Granted, I think their first ceremony was more of an elopement with only her mother there to witness in the only church they find open under short notice.

    My FI and I also considered doing a civil ceremony and then an actual wedding later, for financial reasons, and a friend of mine married her wife in a Courthouse recently and they moved to her wife's home in the UK where they will have a full blown wedding. To me, it's no different from vow renewal. When a couple wants to do a vow renewal I've seen others encourage that they can do an actual wedding with a WP and the whole shebang. So, my humble opinion may not be popular, but my unconventional upbringing has taught me that it does not devalue the marriage in any way, my parents for example are still married and have been for 25-26 yrs, and totally up to the couple and their family if they choose to go this route. I've seen it done so many times, I hardly think it matters.
    If you expect me to travel and spend a ton of money attending your wedding, and then I find out it wasn't the real deal, it's going to very negatively impact our friendship.  I've had two friends do this to me.  For one of those events I spent thousands of dollars flying across the country to attend her wedding.  I missed a clinical because being there meant so much to me.  It destroyed my whole semester, really.  She didn't get married.  It was just for show.  I've never been so mad at my best friend, and if we didn't have 23 years of friendship proving that she wasn't that self-centered, we wouldn't still be friends.  The legality matters.  
    Yep. People are not dying to be included in your wedding however you see fit. They want to be included in your wedding to see you get married. The part where you legally wed. The actual important part, the part that some people still don't have the legal right to - the rest is just fluff. Nice to have, but without signing that piece of paper it's just pretend.

    But glad you came to a thread that kind of petered out 2 days ago just to let everyone know that you feel differently. Your humble opinion has been heard.
                 
    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • @collegechic  Just to let you know, your use of the phrase 'actual wedding' is potentially really hurtful to people who had courthouse weddings and/or people who could not or cannot get legally married where they live. An actual wedding is when two people get married. It has nothing to do with a dress or a party or any of that other bullshit. There is technically nothing wrong with throwing a party, but deceiving people is wrong and calling a pretend ceremony a wedding is insulting.
    image
    InLoveInQueensholyguacamole79OliveOilsMom
  • @artbyallie I'm sorry, that was really not my intention. I was really tired when I posted that so I do apologize for my wording.

    I don't think anyone was calling it a pretend wedding or trying to deceive people, including the OP. I didn't see anything there about not telling people they weren't already married, and my point was simply that every couple can do the big party with the dress after a civil serica should they want to. I don't see how it breaks any etiquette rules, it's no different from a vow renewal. Especially in cases where having a civil union was the only option available at the time.
    Knottie1433791078.defunct635887248411526866
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I call myself PPD-lite.  As long as it's not a secret, I'm fine with it (as a guest).  When I first joined here, I defended PPD's too (my sister had a PPD on her 1 year anniversary but it wasn't a secret).  However, I shut up and read and now recognize and respect why the vast majority of people here are offended by it.  Just because it doesn't bother me, per say, doesn't mean it's not in poor taste.

    My problem with the OP's scenario is that they changed their marriage plans to include the now deceased.  What benefit could there be to recreating it?  A party and some gifts?  And what does it say to the family?  That the wedding with MIL wasn't good enough because they weren't in formal wear?  Host the wedding celebration party as planned, I'm fine with that.  But recreating a wedding because the loss of a loved one changed your original plans is so disrespectful to the late MIL.  
    image
    InLoveInQueenslc07PrettyGirlLost
  • I posted something similar a few minutes ago on another topic. I am a paralegal and work for a firm that handles family law.  Many of the above responses include the statement "the first ceremony is the one where you are legally married" which in most (if not all states) is untrue.  Most states consider you "legally" married the day you go and obtain your marriage license.  The ceremony is to solidify your marriage in the church and/or social setting.  If I were to change my mind in the time between the day I obtained the marriage license and the day the ceremony was to take place I would have to go through annulment or divorce proceedings with the court to end that legal marriage.  So arguing about PPDs and the day you are "legally" married is really irrelevant IMO.
    Even though the OP is gone, if the MIL wanted the couple to have a beautiful wedding like they originally planned I see no harm in that.  As long as they are honest with their guests and given the circumstances they have been through I am sure their guests will understand.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

     

     

    collegechic
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    AW3380 said:
    I posted something similar a few minutes ago on another topic. I am a paralegal and work for a firm that handles family law.  Many of the above responses include the statement "the first ceremony is the one where you are legally married" which in most (if not all states) is untrue.  Most states consider you "legally" married the day you go and obtain your marriage license.  The ceremony is to solidify your marriage in the church and/or social setting.  If I were to change my mind in the time between the day I obtained the marriage license and the day the ceremony was to take place I would have to go through annulment or divorce proceedings with the court to end that legal marriage.  So arguing about PPDs and the day you are "legally" married is really irrelevant IMO.
    Even though the OP is gone, if the MIL wanted the couple to have a beautiful wedding like they originally planned I see no harm in that.  As long as they are honest with their guests and given the circumstances they have been through I am sure their guests will understand.  
    I'm curious about this for Michigan, I'll have to ask a lawyer.  In Michigan, only one person has to be present for the license so it seems like you can't be legally married if only one of you is there.

    I believe you have to be solemnized for it to be official and if you don't, then the license is invalid.
    image
  • Heffalump said:
    I know this person is gone and this response probably won't be received very well, but whatever.

    My parents did something similar. Her father died, and so their wedding plans got all jumbled. They ended having 3 - check it, 3 - different ceremonies (for their 'proper'/first ceremony they held a small and intimate get together at my grandmother's house instead of a big reception, to honor her father). Granted, I think their first ceremony was more of an elopement with only her mother there to witness in the only church they find open under short notice.

    My FI and I also considered doing a civil ceremony and then an actual wedding later, for financial reasons, and a friend of mine married her wife in a Courthouse recently and they moved to her wife's home in the UK where they will have a full blown wedding. To me, it's no different from vow renewal. When a couple wants to do a vow renewal I've seen others encourage that they can do an actual wedding with a WP and the whole shebang. So, my humble opinion may not be popular, but my unconventional upbringing has taught me that it does not devalue the marriage in any way, my parents for example are still married and have been for 25-26 yrs, and totally up to the couple and their family if they choose to go this route. I've seen it done so many times, I hardly think it matters.


    As someone who cancelled their wedding plans and planned a new wedding in less than two weeks because of dying family member, the only thought I have reading this is "did she really just say 'check it'?!"

    So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked
    Pep's ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business

    httpsimagesrapgeniuscom052b8e7f9c47865b373f6c0252128851500x496x1jpg

    I think I have this CD somewhere.
    Heffalump
  • Heffalump said:
    I know this person is gone and this response probably won't be received very well, but whatever.

    My parents did something similar. Her father died, and so their wedding plans got all jumbled. They ended having 3 - check it, 3 - different ceremonies (for their 'proper'/first ceremony they held a small and intimate get together at my grandmother's house instead of a big reception, to honor her father). Granted, I think their first ceremony was more of an elopement with only her mother there to witness in the only church they find open under short notice.

    My FI and I also considered doing a civil ceremony and then an actual wedding later, for financial reasons, and a friend of mine married her wife in a Courthouse recently and they moved to her wife's home in the UK where they will have a full blown wedding. To me, it's no different from vow renewal. When a couple wants to do a vow renewal I've seen others encourage that they can do an actual wedding with a WP and the whole shebang. So, my humble opinion may not be popular, but my unconventional upbringing has taught me that it does not devalue the marriage in any way, my parents for example are still married and have been for 25-26 yrs, and totally up to the couple and their family if they choose to go this route. I've seen it done so many times, I hardly think it matters.


    As someone who cancelled their wedding plans and planned a new wedding in less than two weeks because of dying family member, the only thought I have reading this is "did she really just say 'check it'?!"

    So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked
    Pep's ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business

    httpsimagesrapgeniuscom052b8e7f9c47865b373f6c0252128851500x496x1jpg

    I think I have this CD somewhere.
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    @lyndausvi I was just reading the other thread and thought to myself "I know I just responded to this, where did it go?"  Problem solved!

    If the above case scenario was correct, anyone in Michigan could just take a copy of their SO's drivers license and show up without them and file a marriage certificate and the absent party would be legally joined against their consent.  That's just crazy.
    image
    spockforprez
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    lyndausvi said:
    @lyndausvi I was just reading the other thread and thought to myself "I know I just responded to this, where did it go?"  Problem solved!

    If the above case scenario was correct, anyone in Michigan could just take a copy of their SO's drivers license and show up without them and file a marriage certificate and the absent party would be legally joined against their consent.  That's just crazy.
    The user reminds me of my aunt.  You see she worked in a doctor's office as a receptionist.  So that obviously made her a medical expert.    ::rolls eyes::   
    <sarcasm>Well, watching The Making of a Murderer made me feel like a lawyer, so I guess I can't be mad at the law degree by osmosis theory.

    Can you ask your Aunt about my persistent cough too while we're at it. </sarcasm>
    image
    lyndausvi
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    lyndausvi said:
    @lyndausvi I was just reading the other thread and thought to myself "I know I just responded to this, where did it go?"  Problem solved!

    If the above case scenario was correct, anyone in Michigan could just take a copy of their SO's drivers license and show up without them and file a marriage certificate and the absent party would be legally joined against their consent.  That's just crazy.
    The user reminds me of my aunt.  You see she worked in a doctor's office as a receptionist.  So that obviously made her a medical expert.    ::rolls eyes::   
    <sarcasm>Well, watching The Making of a Murderer made me feel like a lawyer, so I guess I can't be mad at the law degree by osmosis theory.

    Can you ask your Aunt about my persistent cough too while we're at it. </sarcasm>

    Yeah, by that logic, I'm legally married twice since H and I applied for a marriage license in Montana before we cancelled that wedding and got married in Illinois.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    spockforprez
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Rule of thumb: if you have to lie about your marital status or make an effort to lie by omission, YOU ARE WRONG. 

    Carry on. 
    ________________________________


    holyguacamole79InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards