Updates on my FH

madamerwin · February 2016

You may be a mess right now, and that's ok, and 100% expected. But from an outsider perspective, I think you are being incredibly strong and brave. As PP said, you are NOT failing your FI right now, and with your attitude you never will; you are doing everything you can to support him, and I commend you for that. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be, and I have so much respect for you for how you are handling it all.

Take time to cry, scream, stare off into space... Whatever you need to do to get through it. Take one day at a time - I know it is kind of cliche advice, but I have been going through a rough patch this month, and not looking too far ahead has been incredibly helpful for me.

And remember we are here for you when you need to vent. (((HUGS)))

avpenguinrn · February 2016

I just want to chime in and say I agree with everyone else- I am in awe of your strength and general badassery in the face of such a terrible situation. Your FH is a lucky guy to have you by his side.

JaxInBlue · February 2016

Being totally unoriginal, I also wanted to say that you are absolutely allowed to feel the negative stuff - overwhelmed, uninformed (over-informed), angry, uncertain - all of that. It's not a knock on you or your FI or your relationship.

I think having those moments means you are processing, you aren't ignoring what the situation might be or making believe the situation is different from reality. And, it seems to me, you are doing everything right. You're grieving out (I love this article, BTW), you're listening to both advice and distraction, and you are asking questions and making alternate plans. I admire your fortitude.

I'd also second (third?) the recommendation to let people know what you need. If all you need is clean socks and alarm clock, let people know. When you are ready for the positive stories, tell them. And the recommendation to talk, yourself, to someone. If you can't access the hospital social worker because you are "just" the FI, then maybe try your employee assistance program/school mental health center (whichever is more applicable to you), your spiritual leader, or whoever you trust to be an unbiased sounding board.

I hope today is a more good than not day and that things continue to improve for you.

princessleia22 · February 2016

spockforprez said:

I am "enjoying" some opportunities for dark humor. I figure it's best not to be squeamish and to face his injuries head on and accept his body the way it is now. Here are some of the things that have made me chuckle lately:
When I was at our house I was packing up random things to take to the hospital, not knowing when he would be able to use them of course, I was going through his socks trying to match them up. Then I remembered... oops, only one foot left! Double the sock value! Very frugal.
Totally going to pimp him out as the VIP treatment for parking, seating at concerts and events, etc. Yassssss. Thanks FH!
I told him he'd only have to worry about me tickling one of his feet from now on :P
Poor thing, because of all the fluids, he is super swelled up and fat. So I was peeking under his gown and his balls are the size of a grapefruit! I feel so bad but it was really funny at the same time!

div classmeta span classcaption-text Josh Sundquist has been a partially eaten gingerbread man the leg lamp from 34A Christmas Story34 a flamingo and this year a foosball player Josh Sundquistspandiv

spockforprez · February 2016

Thank you, everyone. I read all of your encouragement today, and it helped a lot. I am 100% confident it's normal to have those kinds of feelings so I'm just trying to take things in stride. I did have a good cry after writing that post, though, which was very relieving.

Today was great as far as FH is concerned. He was extubated this morning and by the afternoon he also had his collar off. He is talking, awake, and aware. He did not remember the accident or any of the following days until today. He did not remember that his leg is gone. He kept telling me they were going to do some investigating to see if it was maybe broken. lol, poor FH. I didn't know for sure how he would react so I didn't tell him for fear of spiking his heartrate or BP or something. In the end, he had a visit from the surgeons who are going to work on him tomorrow, and they told him. He still seemed a little confused and he told me, "Basically they're saying my left leg and arm are pretty much gone." I told him, "Well, honey, your left leg is already gone." He said, "Son of a bitch!" LOL. I stayed with him for awhile after the surgeons left and we talked it out and came up with lots of examples of all the things he would still be able to do which I think helped him. I told him about the guy my brother knows who is a triple amputee and he felt pretty positive about that, and was kind of like "Well if they can do it so can I."

I'm here now, hanging with him. It's so sweet to hear him say I love you and ask about the kitties and his friends and to kiss him (although he has been nauseated and puking a bit so the kisses are sorta smelly!) and rub and touch him with him actually being awake and able to appreciate it.

Incredibly, he is only on Tylenol right now! He is pretty nauseated although his nausea medication right now is working pretty well. But I guess the pain meds are what caused him to puke so much earlier. He says he's uncomfortable as far as being in the bed, his back and butt bother him, but he's not having a lot of pain.

When I got back here after supper I asked him to remind me of what injuries he had, and he still remembered them, so that's good. I asked if he was feeling sad or disappointed and he said, "Not really. It's a bummer, but what can you do?" I love him soooooo much. I'm so proud of him. While I was typing this update, my brother and his friend who are both former Marines came to see him tonight and talked with him (he was sleepy so it was a short visit) and they may have their friend who is a triple amputee (who I mentioned above) come see him in a few weeks to talk about the transition and how to have a good peace and presence of mind as you adjust, etc.

Things have been more frustrating on the legal and logistic side of things. One nice thing is that FH was able to sign power of attorney for me today. Beyond that, it was mostly bad news. Her insurance status is questionable but all signs point to no. Basically she had a lapsed policy that she reactivated right after the crash and then filed a claim under... which is fraud btw... but she reported the time of crash as 4pm when it was 3pm. Her insurance co said if it was at 3pm then she was not insured at the time of loss. The gray area there is in the lapse period... maybe she was just past due on a payment and sometimes there is a contingency period where if you pay by a certain date your policy would be considered continuous. Idk. The news as far as FH's policy is pretty dismal. We may get anywhere from $25k to $75k. A drop in the fucking bucket. He has an accidental death & dismemberment policy through his employer but he only has the basic coverage on that (when I was working I always elected to go to 5x my salary, it only cost a couple bucks) which is disappointing. We could get anywhere from $28k to $42k from that depending on if they consider his paralyzed/nonfunctioning arm a loss of limb.

I'd like to talk more about some reasons why we are all so angry at the driver (besides the obvious) but I'm not sure how much is wise to share on a public website so I won't. Suffice it to say this was not an innocent mistake that any one of us could have made, but a pattern of selfishness and disregard for the safety of others that goes back at least 9 years.

My mom got me a massage for next Tuesday and I'm looking forward to that. I am still planning on being involved in my cousin's wedding on the 11th-12th although it depends on how FH is doing whether I do all the events, etc. (HEY IF I CAN'T MAKE THE REHEARSAL OR THE HAIR APPT SHOULD MY COUSIN KICK ME OUT OF THE WP??????) I absolutely 1000000% want to be there for the ceremony. Depending on FH I may just show up in my dress for the ceremony, take pics, eat dinner, and then skedaddle. That reminds me, I need to cancel the room we booked for that night.

Love you guys. Seriously. TK is the BEST. Maybe one day I'll start a blog or something but for now I really appreciate you letting me vent and get it all out here. It's incredibly helpful.

spockforprez · February 2016

Oh I did talk with a lawyer today. I will talk with a couple more tomorrow to get some more opinions. The first guy is a family friend of my cousin's FH, and has a great reputation according to my uncle, so we may go with him, but no sense in not at least having more conversations. I will also be talking with a lawyer who can help with SSDI, as well as a bankruptcy lawyer just to get the lay of the land and if we do need to file, the timing of that as far as any payouts of policies, etc.

natswild · February 2016

definitely have some chats with accident injury lawyers, maybe there will be a way to increase the maximum, especially as she has a history of these types of accidents.
Wishing you luck on all fronts!

spockforprez · February 2016

natswild said:

definitely have some chats with accident injury lawyers, maybe there will be a way to increase the maximum, especially as she has a history of these types of accidents.
Wishing you luck on all fronts!

I don't have any evidence she has caused this type of accident before, only that in the last nine years she has had chance after chance after chance after chance for a wakeup call to stop and think, "What the fuck am I doing? I could kill someone" and instead chooses to continue her reckless behavior. I'm getting ready for bed so I'll stop there :P

Just showered. Eating thin mints (that my cousin brought me) in bed, after I already brushed my teeth. Good times.

glasgowtolondon · February 2016

God, not only reckless but reckless driving uninsured? Sometimes faith in humanity is hard to maintain. I know I'll definitely be driving extra carefully today. I think you are right not to go into too much detail on your thoughts and opinions on the driver if you yave legal action on the horizon, jic. Glad you and fi are able to communicate again, that must help a lot. Keep posting, it must help to vent a little to ppl with no skin in the game.

missfrodo · February 2016

I don't really have anything to add that someone hasn't already said. Both of you are being incredibly strong, and I do think it's a good idea for you to go to the wedding, to maintain a sense of "normalcy" and surround yourself with additional supportive people. Yes, it will be hard to go without FI/DH (depending on when you guys get married), but if there's one thing I've learned from depression/anxiety, it's that it's good to get out and see people.
It's also important, from what I've learned, to understand your limitations as DH's partner. With my depression, DH and I constantly worry that we are failing each other because we aren't able to "fix" or "heal" the other person, and my therapist has reminded me that we are PARTNERS, not caretakers (not to say that you won't, in some capacity, be DH's caretaker). Even if your role at times is that of caretaker, it's important to remember that you alone are not responsible for his well-being, that there are resources in place to help you guys out so you don't take all this on yourself, and that before you can take care of him, you must take care of yourself--making sure you're fed, rested, calm, etc. It's like that Bible verse about taking the stick out of your own eye before you can get the dirt out of someone else's (I don't remember exactly how it goes), the point being the better you are feeling, the better you'll be able to help him, and if you work yourself to the point of exhaustion you won't be much help to him anyway.
Wishing you both the best.

PamBeesly524 · February 2016

"Not really. It's a bummer, but what can you do?" Seriously, you guys are amazing. Glad to hear that things are going well health wise, but sorry that the legal/insurance stuff is so frustrating.

emmaaa · February 2016

Your situation reminds me of how much I hate people complaining that you can be fined for driving without insurance. I had friends on FB talking about how license checks and insurance checks that cops conduct are pointless and "just prove how cops overstep their bounds and waste our tax money."

Yeah right. If this woman had insurance that hadn't lapsed, maybe you wouldn't have to deal with some of this excess stress (financially).

You seem to be taking the appropriate steps to figure out what is going to be needed to provide for you and your FH. I'm so glad to hear he has had a good day and you were able to talk to him and have him actually reply. That is such great news. Keep us updated.

nerdwife · February 2016

I've been totally MIA this week but I just read through all of your updates and I have to say, you and your FI are both so brave and incredible. Your FI is so lucky to have someone like you - I am sure there are many people on earth who would be like nope, this is not what I signed up for, I'm out, but you are being so strong for him.

As always, you guys are both in my thoughts.

debbeau · February 2016

Thinking of you and hoping things are going alright.

spockforprez · February 2016

Hey peeps. FH had a GREAT day today. Yesterday was pretty rough because he was in a lot of pain all day, but today was amazing. I walked into his room this AM to see him sitting straight up in bed with the bed turned toward the window so he could see out. He was totally alert and with it.

He said he felt good all day today. They increased his pain meds (previously he had been on the minimum dose) and are being diligent with anti nausea meds too, so I think they are finding a good balance for pain control. He's eating a normal diet, today he had BBQ. It was so nice to sit and spend time with him.

He's starting to get bored which is a good sign. He asked for several of his books, his writing supplies, and some drawing supplies he hasn't used in years, I guess he's planning to bone up on that while his left arm isn't working. He's more aware of that arm, now, he said. Prior to that, he sort of had a sense of it being curled up next to his body, but now he's more aware of it being warm, and bandaged up and extended straight out. He can't feel me touching his fingers, though. Which I completely believe, because 90% of the nerves in the top of his shoulder are still floating around in there, unattached.

He had surgery last night and they closed his leg, so that should be able to start healing up and once that's progressed sufficiently, they will plate up his pelvis so that he can get his external fixator bar off. He will have surgery Monday to set and plate all the fractures in his arm, and he needs a small skin graft where they opened up his arm.

Right now his white blood cell count is elevated, which could just be due to surgery or could be an infection. So right before we left for the night, he had a CT scan to look for any infections, and we'll know more about the results in the morning.

I'm starting to feel a little weird myself. My legs were really weak this morning and today I've been having some sharp pains in my sides. I wonder if it is just due to stress, like getting waves of shock throughout the day, or what. If it continues I'll go to the doc for sure. I've been sleeping well, especially the last two nights. And I've been tracking my food in myfitnesspal so I know I'm eating a decent amount of food and trying to get some nutrition in there too. Maybe just stress. I also forgot where my car was today, and was convinced someone stole it because I knew I went straight into the parking deck and didn't turn right (if you go straight you get floors 7, 5, and 3, and if you turn right you get 6, 4, and 2). My mom was driving me (we went to dinner) and I made her go through the same one twice before she insisted we try the other one even though I was TEN THOUSAND PERCENT positive it wasn't in there. There is was on the 6th floor. Man, that freaked me out.

As always, thank you for the encouragement. FH has such a positive outlook and attitude. He is AMAZING! I love him so much and I'm so proud of him.

spockforprez · February 2016

Here's a pic of my FH.

Image: https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/10312472_10204003275033200_2222616097779223141_n.jpg?oh=68035ff660b6bb1f3b24beaf066b01b8&oe=5766DA05

OurWildKingdom · February 2016

So glad he had a good day, @spockforprez!

ETA -- What a cutie!

laurad75 · February 2016

This is great news Spock. I'm so happy that he is feeling better and making so much progress. There will be a brand new normal for all of you to start getting used to but it sounds like he is open to embracing that. I'm so inspired by the strength in both of you.

As for you not feeling well, lets remember you've had a wild week and have probably been running on adrenaline. Maybe your body is just starting to balance out. Just keep doing your best to take care of yourself and you will be fine. Thank you for keeping us updated and sharing that photo of FH. Its nice to put a face to the man we've all been thinking about.

natswild · February 2016

Very happy to hear that your FH is improving! Take care of yourself, and also, thanks as well for sharing your photo of him, as PP said. We're all rooting for you both.

glasgowtolondon · February 2016

Bbq is a wonder drug!

Glad you guys have had a good day, I'm sure there will be a lot of ups and downs so make the most of ups when they come. It's great that you are prioritising yourself with sleep and nutrition etc, otherwise it'll be hard to be there fully for him. Stress is a bitch, it'll make you do some crazy ish!

kimmiinthemitten · February 2016

Yay for good days! Hoping there is no infection and his next couple surgeries go without a hitch.

I'm also glad you're taking care of yourself, using myfitnesspal to make sure consuming enough calories is genius too, by the way. Did you ever learn more about what, if any, resources are available to you?

I'm glad you're taking care of you, and relishing in the good days.

holyguacamole79 · February 2016

Yay Mr Spock! I'm so happy to hear things continue to improve. Thanks for the updates; I think about y'all.

monkeysip · February 2016

Y'all are amazing. I just read your updates, and I'm astounded by both of you and your positivity!

I will continue to pray for you both, and add the insurance/legal aspect. It's enough to be dealing with the emotional and medical issues, but the stupid insurance stuff is maddening.

I still can't imagine how you both must feel, but this is the beginning of a beautiful new future for you both. A very different future than you had imagined, but still with great potential.

CMGragain · February 2016

I have been away for a week, so I was not aware of all this. I am so sorry that it happened! Spockforprez, I have always liked and admired you, and now I know why. You are a strong and beautiful person. Don't expect perfection from yourself, and indulge yourself when you feel depressed. This is normal.
This might just be a time for a spiritual awakening for the two of you. You are both in my prayers. Much love and hugs.

kmmssg · February 2016

How nice to hear such a great update. Oh, BTW, he is a real cutie!

Jen4948 · February 2016

I think about you and your FI a lot and am really glad to hear that he is doing so much better. If you need to vent, all of us are here for you to do that.

That the other driver drove recklessly, without insurance, means that she should be in jail for a long time. I don't know much about your financial situation, but even if your insurance doesn't pay you much, I continue to think and pray for you and your FI and hope things will improve for you.

I agree with @kmmssg: he is cute.

thefanciestbeckler · February 2016

He's such a cutie! I'm a sucker for longer hair on guys. It's nice to put a face with the person we are thinking about/praying for/ getting updates on.

I'm glad to hear things are going better. Stress does crazy things to people, so I'm sure some if not all of the things you're feeling are due to stress and exhaustion. Please keep updating us!

spockforprez · February 2016

I agree with all of you, my FH is fine as hell.

He will have a couple pretty sexy scars after this is over, too, he's looking forward to that.

He had a good, but tiring day yesterday. Tiring is a good thing because he's doing more on his own. His right arm is much stronger after having not used it for nearly a week, so he was experimenting with opening as much of his food as he could, pouring his drinks, that sort of thing. Plus now that he's eating he's having, er, the other kind of BM, lol, so moving around in bed to take care of that made him tired, too.

There were no infections on the CT scan and his WBC count came back down yesterday, so he wasn't sick, just recovering from surgery. I'm still scared, though, because they told us his next door neighbor had C. diff

They cleaned her room with UV light but still... I'm not only scared for FH getting it but the rest of us, too!

He's in surgery right now, he went down around 6:45. I'm a little sad because he won't be back by the time I leave for home so I won't get to see him until tonight. I hope his parents get there before he gets back so he's not alone after. (I'm going to the house today to have some quiet, private space to make phone calls, sign documents, go through mail, make copies of the power of attorney and fax it a million places, etc.)

FH should be getting a visit from the therapy dogs today, I'm so excited for him! He also gave me a long list of things to get from the house so soon he should be able to get on his iPad and laptop during the day.

Wedding plans... we are probably still going to get married before he goes home, but wanting him to be in a better room and not in the ICU. Hoping he can have a chance to shower and maybe put on a shirt. Or, we may decide it's better to wait. My vendors have been great, one sent the deposit back and the others are holding on to the contracts until we let them know a date for a party (whether wedding celebration, welcome home FH, or whatever).

natswild · February 2016

It's so encouraging to hear that he's improving daily, and I'm glad you're looking after yourself as well. Keeping you both in my thoughts!

short+sassy · February 2016

I'm glad your FI is doing so well. I'm also happy to hear how understanding all your wedding vendors have been. Proof that there are more good people in this world than bad.

Though speaking of the bad, or at least hugely irresponsible, I was dismayed to see the car driver may not have had insurance. As far as I'm concerned, it is her moral (perhaps legal) obligation to give a chunk of her salary to your FI for the rest of his life.

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