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Budget Weddings

What to do when everyone hates you because you couldn't invite them?

edited March 2016 in Budget Weddings
We are planning a very small no-frills wedding for our family and close childhood friends. We did this for a lot of reasons... one of which, we're both sticking to a strict budget. We're both teachers, and we're paying for the wedding on our own. We're in our 30's, so rather than spend a ton of money on the wedding, we'd like to save up money to start our family in the next year or so. We got a great venue, but it's also very small - 50 people max.

Because of this, we have had to keep the guest list very short. We're not even having groomsmen and bridesmaids - mainly to spare people's feelings and make it easier on everyone. But for some reason everyone we've ever known EVER keeps inviting themselves to our wedding. It is constant. People are getting publicly angry with us on Facebook, my coworkers are no longer talking to me, distant step-family members I have never actually met in person are hurt... And we keep giving the same line, "We would love to have everyone come, but we had to keep it very small and limited to family." And people are still furious with us!

I'm wishing we had just eloped. I thought the whole point of weddings was to celebrate starting your new life as a married couple with your family, and your community recognizing your new role... NOT everyone who supposedly cares about you expecting you to drown yourself in debt (#1 cause of divorce is financial problems!) so they can come to a "free" party.

I don't know if people just think we're being cheap skates? If we were in higher-earning careers maybe we could afford a bigger wedding. But I feel like we deserve to at least have a day with our family, even if we don't make a ton of money. Now I feel like we're somehow being selfish for getting married???

This whole thing is just making me feel horrible. The wedding is already ruined and it's still months away. Has anyone else out here had this happen? What do you do? What do you do when explaining "we're just keeping it small and private" doesn't work? I know - if they're really your friends they'll understand...but they don't. And I have to maintain a work relationship with some of these people. And some of these people are step-family.

Instead of feeling loved and embraced by people we love, we feel totally abandoned by everyone we thought cared.


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Re: What to do when everyone hates you because you couldn't invite them?

  • I just think it helps to put things in perspective.  It is easy to lose your perspective when you are in the emotions of wedding planning.  It is a wonder any brides survive at all!
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2016

    CMG - thanks for the coffee out the nose moment this AM reading that list!  (Thankfully I wasn't actually drinking coffee at the time!)..

    OP - the only reason your wedding would be "ruined" are those things!  Really, it's a choice the day of to be "In the moment" the day of regardless of what happens.  Only you and FI control that part.  Whatever happened in the past that day doesn't matter as you're surrounded by those guests you've invited to be there with you.

    As for the co-irkers peeved about not getting an invite, that's a work dynamic thing and sometimes you need to "think outside of the box" to smooth such things over.  I'm guessing you're still new enough to that school that you didn't know the dynamics for your school when it comes to the "Corporate Culture" (a whole different topic - that has more to do with politics and diplomacy than etiquette - and etiquette wise, you're entitled to not invite them, corporate culture wise, you may want to consider doing some thing wedding related post-wedding because "not say'n, just saying" this is politics at its core).  Any chance of a "Celebration of marriage" cake & punch party in the break room or your classroom when you get back from your HM?  Work dynamics are one of those odd little areas that something like that might smooth things over on the political end of the spectrum, and never underestimate the impact.  A simple cake to the level of your wedding cake (i.e. filled) is cheap by comparison depending on how deep the politics you're dealing with really are (especially if you don't have tenure!!!). 

    Also no more wedding talk in front of people who will not be invited.  If you flip the perspective, people are hearing you talk about all these exciting things you're planning to do assuming they're invited since you're talking to them about it, only to find out "NOPE!" and that's likely why you're getting the lukewarm responses lately.  Bean dip is your new favorite recipe!!!

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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    Sorry you are feeling so stressed, OP.

    Out of curiosity, you say everyone HATES you now... What have people been saying/doing that makes you think they hate you? I definitely understand some people's disappointment at not being invited, but I have a hard time understanding multiple people being outwardly hateful toward you for having a small wedding. 

    Either way, if people are being outright rude to you because they were not invited, then THEY are the ones with a problem, not you. 

    ETA - I hit post before finishing
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  • driddrid member
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    I understand that it bothers you, and I know it's super hard, but stick to your guns. If you want to share your wedding with your closest family and friends, then that's what you do. Who the fuck cares what anybody has to say about it. I know saying "it's your day" is somewhat frowned upon here, but as long as you're hosting your guests properly and you're happy with what you've planned, ignore anybody who gives you grief about it, because ITS YOUR DAY. It's easier said than done, I know. But if people are going to legitimately hate you for not inviting them to your wedding, they're not worth having in your life anyways. 
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  • Don't feel bad about upsetting people that are acting like jerks. If anything use this experience to weed out people that aren't acting like true friends. You're marrying the person you love & planning for your future, that is definitely something to celebrate. Don't allow anyone to ruin this for you!! 
  • You and your FI found a way to have a wedding that works for you and won't put you in huge debt, and I applaud you for that. Nobody is entitled to an invitation to your wedding, and they sure as hell don't have the right to tell you what kind of wedding to have! 

    Stop talking about the wedding with anyone who isn't invited. Don't bring it up, and if they do, stand your ground on your guest list and the kind of celebration you're having. Walk away if you have to; there is no reason to let people keep making you feel bad. And maybe just stop talking to certain people completely for a while; that's what they deserve. I know it hurts to have people be so unfair about this, but please don't let them ruin this happy time in your life.  
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  • drid said:
    I understand that it bothers you, and I know it's super hard, but stick to your guns. If you want to share your wedding with your closest family and friends, then that's what you do. Who the fuck cares what anybody has to say about it. I know saying "it's your day" is somewhat frowned upon here, but as long as you're hosting your guests properly and you're happy with what you've planned, ignore anybody who gives you grief about it, because ITS YOUR DAY. It's easier said than done, I know. But if people are going to legitimately hate you for not inviting them to your wedding, they're not worth having in your life anyways
    This. I wish I had stuck to my guns more about my invite list. I caved into pressure of inviting some people due to "feeling bad" about not inviting them, and then all those guilt-invites ended up leaving early/no-showing/having a miserable time, anyway. There's a reason you planned your guest list the way you did. Trust your gut! :)
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    I'm sorry you're getting such crappy reactions from people you were supposedly close to over this.

    I think your plans sound great and absolutely appropriate.  Keep sticking to your guns.  Hopefully these people will grow up and realize that while they're entitled to be disappointed that you're not inviting them or having the kind of wedding they want, they are not entitled to actually be invited or dictate what type of wedding you have.  If they don't, then you may well be dodging a bullet by not inviting them or having that type of wedding.
  • I'm sorry people are making it difficult for you to look forward to your special day!  I personally am having a small reception.  We are getting married at the court house the day before and having a small reception the day after.  We do not have a wedding party and we are only doing our first dance, no mother son, father daughter dances.  We are keeping it super simple, no wedding cake, only cupcakes and cookies to help keep costs low too.  We did not invite certain friends, family, and family friends because we can't afford to have that many people there.  Unfortunately, a few people have gotten their feelings hurt and there have been negative comments, but I am trying my best to ignore them and not let it ruin my special day.  After all, it's about me and my fiancé and no one else.  I figure if anyone thinks it's that big of a deal and they are missing out, they can let me know and we can do a BBQ or something after the fact, simple and cheap.  Good luck!
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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm sorry people are making it difficult for you to look forward to your special day!  I personally am having a small reception.  We are getting married at the court house the day before and having a small reception the day after.  We do not have a wedding party and we are only doing our first dance, no mother son, father daughter dances.  We are keeping it super simple, no wedding cake, only cupcakes and cookies to help keep costs low too.  We did not invite certain friends, family, and family friends because we can't afford to have that many people there.  Unfortunately, a few people have gotten their feelings hurt and there have been negative comments, but I am trying my best to ignore them and not let it ruin my special day.  After all, it's about me and my fiancé and no one else.  I figure if anyone thinks it's that big of a deal and they are missing out, they can let me know and we can do a BBQ or something after the fact, simple and cheap.  Good luck!
    Anyone invited to the courthouse must be hosted with a reception immediately following the ceremony.  The event the following day is not your reception.  The reception is the thank you to your guests for attending the ceremony.  You can have a "celebration of marriage" party, but this is different from a reception.  


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    [Deleted User]KnickerGold
  • So my fiance and I have been married before and both divorced. We don't want a huge wedding but didn't wanna exclude anyone out of fear of what you are going through. We are from Pennsylvania. We are having our wedding in Florida and still able to invite everyone knowing not everyone, most, will not make the trip down but no one is offended or feeling excluded. 
  • Hello, I just got married August 2015 and I was going through something similar to your issue, that's why I stayed engaged for almost 3 years, I have wanted to get married in my state, but couldn't afford to invite everyone, then I had people inviting themselves as well, this made me crazy, I didnt want to hurt people feelings, but when alot of thought was put into it, in the end it was what I wanted and what my husband would like, those are our memories to have, so I nipped it in the bud, I got married in Las Vegas @ the Flamingo Chapel and it held 60 people and it was beautiful,I had a full wedding and had my reception in Ballys , we rented a large Penthouse and rented a DJ. Turn your wedding into a wedding/honeymoon/vacation for the guest and then you will see how many people really want to come !!! I bet you your list will decrease, that's why I chose there because I knew everyone wouldn't be able to make it. LMAO, Good luck
  • Viczaesar said:
    Marvett said:
    Hello, I just got married August 2015 and I was going through something similar to your issue, that's why I stayed engaged for almost 3 years, I have wanted to get married in my state, but couldn't afford to invite everyone, then I had people inviting themselves as well, this made me crazy, I didnt want to hurt people feelings, but when alot of thought was put into it, in the end it was what I wanted and what my husband would like, those are our memories to have, so I nipped it in the bud, I got married in Las Vegas @ the Flamingo Chapel and it held 60 people and it was beautiful,I had a full wedding and had my reception in Ballys , we rented a large Penthouse and rented a DJ. Turn your wedding into a wedding/honeymoon/vacation for the guest and then you will see how many people really want to come !!! I bet you your list will decrease, that's why I chose there because I knew everyone wouldn't be able to make it. LMAO, Good luck
    Dude, commas are not replacements for periods. 
    I tried reading this as it was written and I feel frantic and my mind is out of breath. Damn run on sentences.
    [Deleted User]Viczaesarmrs.s0514PaperTigersx
  • My Dear, do not stress yourself over this. As a Bride-to-be myself, i know there's already enough to have to deal with when planning your big day. For some reason it seems like when a wedding is in the works no one wants to miss it...any other event and they wouldn't care as much.

    However, at the end of the day the most important people are you and your fiance`. Your big day is only about the two of you. Fullstop. 

    Based on your post you already know what I'm about to say but let me reinforce it: If someone TRULY cares about you and YOUR well being, they will wish you well even without an invitation. So focus on you and your Hubby and forget those who are going to be upset over a lack of invitation. Their behaviour is simply childish and you need to learn to focus on your own happiness above others sometimes. If being in Debt is going to make you unhappy then DONT GO THERE.

    So enjoy the experience as it hopefully will be a once in a lifetime event for you and your Hubby :-)
  • My Dear, do not stress yourself over this. As a Bride-to-be myself, i know there's already enough to have to deal with when planning your big day. For some reason it seems like when a wedding is in the works no one wants to miss it...any other event and they wouldn't care as much.

    However, at the end of the day the most important people are you and your fiance`. Your big day is only about the two of you. Fullstop. 

    Based on your post you already know what I'm about to say but let me reinforce it: If someone TRULY cares about you and YOUR well being, they will wish you well even without an invitation. So focus on you and your Hubby and forget those who are going to be upset over a lack of invitation. Their behaviour is simply childish and you need to learn to focus on your own happiness above others sometimes. If being in Debt is going to make you unhappy then DONT GO THERE.

    So enjoy the experience as it hopefully will be a once in a lifetime event for you and your Hubby :-)


    You already bolded it, so I don't have to.  But the bolded is very incorrect.  The minute you invite just one guest, the day no long is solely about the bride & groom.  If you truly want a day just for you two - elope.

    OP - You have not come back, but I hope you have been able to see some of the advice here and start using it in your daily life.  Don't make any posts on facebook about the wedding, it is just inviting the comments.  Someone posts a hurtful comment, delete it and move on.

    If you are constantly commenting about your wedding at work, but you aren't inviting your co-workers, you are just asking for trouble.  So stop all wedding talk at work.  If a co-worker brings it up to you, I would change your reply to them.  "Co-worker, my wedding seems to be as polarizing as politics or religion, so I don't really want to talk about it anymore."  Then change the subject or bean dip as we say around here.

    I was just about to come on here to say this.
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  • People are ignorant. We couldn't invite *everyone*  we knew to our wedding either, though we would have loved to. I had one person assume they were going to be invited and then let me know I didn't have to invite them (which was awkward and strange), and another person who I hadn't seen for years, delete myself and family members off facebook after my wedding because they weren't invited. People do goofy things. All you can do is enjoy your day!
    Jesslynne5280
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    justsie said:
    My best friend is having the same issue but we have slimmed it down. She decided to have a backyard ceremony with wedding party and family. We are doing that in April and then they will be having their "official wedding" in Greece ( just the two of them) where they will combine that with their honeymoon. August - we will have her reception with more friends @ a small local venue which will give more time to save $ for that. It was VERY stressful for her but in the end...everyone will feel like they were a part of it in some way. I'm her best friend and even I was upset at first when she just wanted the ceremony to be family only! I came to realize it IS her special day, therefore whatever she wants, I supported it. The same goes for you! It is YOUR day! We made her a private group on Frienedy.com for her April ceremony. It's a free site and you can invite only the members going to your wedding. It is COMPLETELY private so therefore your day isn't all over social media. Unlimited photo albums where guests can upload their photos so you don't have to send out texts/emails asking. A chat room where you all can talk privately. A wishlist where you can put your registry and other things you find online. A digital calendar. It has saved her A LOT of headaches when it comes to social media drama :) Hope this helps you out!
    So when did you friend ACTUALLY get married? Because everything else is just playing dress up, their "official wedding" is when they sign papers and become husband and wife. After that, she no longer gets to play "bride" she is now "wife". 
    I agree. The whole thing sounds confusing and stressful to me! I also feel like multiple parties in addition to the actual wedding is only incurring more costs than doing it once and right in the first place. Want to save up money? Fine, have a longer engagement. Don't want to save up money? Also fine- have a small wedding or elope. Get married when you want to get married- invite whom you want to be there. Don't worry about anyone else- NO ONE is owed an invitation to ANY event.
    InLoveInQueens
  • AllsnAllsn member
    First Comment
    edited March 2016
    I don't see a problem with this at all!! We are only having 20 guests, no wedding party now that's a small ceremony! We rather spend our money on us because that's what it is about. US no one else. re read that last line...

    "Instead of feeling loved and embraced by people we love, we feel totally abandoned by everyone we thought cared."

    THOUGHT is the key word there. Just because you love them, doesn't mean they will too or show it the same way you do. We are having a small ceremony because that's how many people we know actually care about us. Only 5 of those people are actual family and the rest are friends that have become family over years and years. Why waste thousands of dollars to feed and entertain a bunch of people we never see or even talk to? I hear stuff like this all the time "oh but it's family" So? People say I'm mean or cold but you know what, I have no drama most of the time and I'm generally pretty happy. That's because I cut all the negative people out of my life. You can have fun and be happy not being friends with every person you see. You just end up killing yourself trying to please everyone and be liked by them. Less is truly more. There's no need to hold on to people that get mad at you over stupid things family or not. 


  • edited June 2016
    Redacted cause people don't get my humor.
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