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Budget Weddings Forum
Knottie1448238834
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What to do when everyone hates you because you couldn't invite them?
We are planning a very small no-frills wedding for our family and close childhood friends. We did this for a lot of reasons... one of which, we're both sticking to a strict budget. We're both teachers, and we're paying for the wedding on our own. We're in our 30's, so rather than spend a ton of money on the wedding, we'd like to save up money to start our family in the next year or so. We got a great venue, but it's also very small - 50 people max.
Because of this, we have had to keep the guest list very short. We're not even having groomsmen and bridesmaids - mainly to spare people's feelings and make it easier on everyone. But for some reason everyone we've ever known EVER keeps inviting themselves to our wedding. It is constant. People are getting publicly angry with us on Facebook, my coworkers are no longer talking to me, distant step-family members I have never actually met in person are hurt... And we keep giving the same line, "We would love to have everyone come, but we had to keep it very small and limited to family." And people are still furious with us!
I'm wishing we had just eloped. I thought the whole point of weddings was to celebrate starting your new life as a married couple with your family, and your community recognizing your new role... NOT everyone who supposedly cares about you expecting you to drown yourself in debt (#1 cause of divorce is financial problems!) so they can come to a "free" party.
I don't know if people just think we're being cheap skates? If we were in higher-earning careers maybe we could afford a bigger wedding. But I feel like we deserve to at least have a day with our family, even if we don't make a ton of money. Now I feel like we're somehow being selfish for getting married???
This whole thing is just making me feel horrible. The wedding is already ruined and it's still months away. Has anyone else out here had this happen? What do you do? What do you do when explaining "we're just keeping it small and private" doesn't work? I know - if they're really your friends they'll understand...but they don't. And I have to maintain a work relationship with some of these people. And some of these people are step-family.
Instead of feeling loved and embraced by people we love, we feel totally abandoned by everyone we thought cared.
Because of this, we have had to keep the guest list very short. We're not even having groomsmen and bridesmaids - mainly to spare people's feelings and make it easier on everyone. But for some reason everyone we've ever known EVER keeps inviting themselves to our wedding. It is constant. People are getting publicly angry with us on Facebook, my coworkers are no longer talking to me, distant step-family members I have never actually met in person are hurt... And we keep giving the same line, "We would love to have everyone come, but we had to keep it very small and limited to family." And people are still furious with us!
I'm wishing we had just eloped. I thought the whole point of weddings was to celebrate starting your new life as a married couple with your family, and your community recognizing your new role... NOT everyone who supposedly cares about you expecting you to drown yourself in debt (#1 cause of divorce is financial problems!) so they can come to a "free" party.
I don't know if people just think we're being cheap skates? If we were in higher-earning careers maybe we could afford a bigger wedding. But I feel like we deserve to at least have a day with our family, even if we don't make a ton of money. Now I feel like we're somehow being selfish for getting married???
This whole thing is just making me feel horrible. The wedding is already ruined and it's still months away. Has anyone else out here had this happen? What do you do? What do you do when explaining "we're just keeping it small and private" doesn't work? I know - if they're really your friends they'll understand...but they don't. And I have to maintain a work relationship with some of these people. And some of these people are step-family.
Instead of feeling loved and embraced by people we love, we feel totally abandoned by everyone we thought cared.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What to do when everyone hates you because you couldn't invite them?
To bolded 2: They also have to maintain a work relationship with you, and it sounds like they are sucking at it. You keep doing you -- be professional, and don't bring up your wedding. If they do, and are complaining, don't give it barely any time, just bean dip and move on. If they want to remain angry and try to keep fussy about the topic, dismiss them, or if it's really bad, go talk to an administrator. If they can't treat you professionally and are harassing you, your bosses should be talking to them. As for step-family, they will have to get over it, also. Bean dip, bean dip, bean dip, and as the saying goes illegitimi non carborundum.
I haven't personally dealt with a situation like this, but my parents did when they got married. They only had ~ 15 people at their wedding, as they were both poor med students at the time. My dad's extended family was rather sore about it. There were apparently a few years where there was some bitterness, but my parents just ignored it and kept up sending cards for the holidays, regardless. And you know what? All the relatives got over it, and now they're happy to see us every several years at the family reunions. Hang in there, and stand your ground.
NO ONE is entitled to an invitation to any event.
You are doing NOTHING wrong by having a small wedding.
I've never been in a work place where co-workers got bent out of shape about not being invited to a wedding.
The best you can do is stop talking about your wedding in front of anyone, and proceed on happily with your day knowing that the people you love will be there celebrating with you
Stay off of Facebook. Post here instead.
Any comments at work? Just say, "I'm so sorry, but we were not able to invite everyone we wanted to invite," and then shut up. If they continue, just pass he bean dip. Keep smiling, and don't let anyone know that they are upsetting you. Why let them win? They are in the wrong.
No, your wedding isn't ruined. That is just silly. Here is what can ruin a wedding:
1. The bride doesn't show up.
2. The groom doesn't show up.
3. The couple changes their minds about getting married.
4. The couple forgets to obtain a marriage license.
5. One, or both of the couple forgets to obtain a legal divorce from a previous spouse.
6. The officiant doesn't show up.
7. The couple is in jail.
Anything else, you can deal with it. We have a wonderful Knottie that is planning on getting married in the hospital at her FI's bedside. She cancelled the big wedding plans when he was in a terrible motorcycle accident last week and lost his leg. Compared to her, your problems are nothing to worry about.
OP - I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. I'm sorry that people are feeling entitled to an invitation when they are not. It might feel like your wedding is ruined, but I'm very hopeful that you and your FI will be able to move past the negativity and enjoy a fantastic day that is about joining together and embracing a life that has highs/lows. The people that you are inviting will help you celebrate your love and commitment. It may be hard right now, but PP have great suggestions to move forward. I agree that you should stop any and all wedding conversations with those not invited (bean dip, bean dip, bean dip) and put on your biggest smile when faced with criticism. A small, well hosted wedding is ALWAYS appropriate. You are welcome to come here and vent anytime you need to.
CMG - thanks for the coffee out the nose moment this AM reading that list! (Thankfully I wasn't actually drinking coffee at the time!)..
OP - the only reason your wedding would be "ruined" are those things! Really, it's a choice the day of to be "In the moment" the day of regardless of what happens. Only you and FI control that part. Whatever happened in the past that day doesn't matter as you're surrounded by those guests you've invited to be there with you.
As for the co-irkers peeved about not getting an invite, that's a work dynamic thing and sometimes you need to "think outside of the box" to smooth such things over. I'm guessing you're still new enough to that school that you didn't know the dynamics for your school when it comes to the "Corporate Culture" (a whole different topic - that has more to do with politics and diplomacy than etiquette - and etiquette wise, you're entitled to not invite them, corporate culture wise, you may want to consider doing some thing wedding related post-wedding because "not say'n, just saying" this is politics at its core). Any chance of a "Celebration of marriage" cake & punch party in the break room or your classroom when you get back from your HM? Work dynamics are one of those odd little areas that something like that might smooth things over on the political end of the spectrum, and never underestimate the impact. A simple cake to the level of your wedding cake (i.e. filled) is cheap by comparison depending on how deep the politics you're dealing with really are (especially if you don't have tenure!!!).
Also no more wedding talk in front of people who will not be invited. If you flip the perspective, people are hearing you talk about all these exciting things you're planning to do assuming they're invited since you're talking to them about it, only to find out "NOPE!" and that's likely why you're getting the lukewarm responses lately. Bean dip is your new favorite recipe!!!
Out of curiosity, you say everyone HATES you now... What have people been saying/doing that makes you think they hate you? I definitely understand some people's disappointment at not being invited, but I have a hard time understanding multiple people being outwardly hateful toward you for having a small wedding.
Either way, if people are being outright rude to you because they were not invited, then THEY are the ones with a problem, not you.
ETA - I hit post before finishing
Stop talking about the wedding with anyone who isn't invited. Don't bring it up, and if they do, stand your ground on your guest list and the kind of celebration you're having. Walk away if you have to; there is no reason to let people keep making you feel bad. And maybe just stop talking to certain people completely for a while; that's what they deserve. I know it hurts to have people be so unfair about this, but please don't let them ruin this happy time in your life.
I think your plans sound great and absolutely appropriate. Keep sticking to your guns. Hopefully these people will grow up and realize that while they're entitled to be disappointed that you're not inviting them or having the kind of wedding they want, they are not entitled to actually be invited or dictate what type of wedding you have. If they don't, then you may well be dodging a bullet by not inviting them or having that type of wedding.
However, at the end of the day the most important people are you and your fiance`. Your big day is only about the two of you. Fullstop.
Based on your post you already know what I'm about to say but let me reinforce it: If someone TRULY cares about you and YOUR well being, they will wish you well even without an invitation. So focus on you and your Hubby and forget those who are going to be upset over a lack of invitation. Their behaviour is simply childish and you need to learn to focus on your own happiness above others sometimes. If being in Debt is going to make you unhappy then DONT GO THERE.
So enjoy the experience as it hopefully will be a once in a lifetime event for you and your Hubby :-)
You already bolded it, so I don't have to. But the bolded is very incorrect. The minute you invite just one guest, the day no long is solely about the bride & groom. If you truly want a day just for you two - elope.
OP - You have not come back, but I hope you have been able to see some of the advice here and start using it in your daily life. Don't make any posts on facebook about the wedding, it is just inviting the comments. Someone posts a hurtful comment, delete it and move on.
If you are constantly commenting about your wedding at work, but you aren't inviting your co-workers, you are just asking for trouble. So stop all wedding talk at work. If a co-worker brings it up to you, I would change your reply to them. "Co-worker, my wedding seems to be as polarizing as politics or religion, so I don't really want to talk about it anymore." Then change the subject or bean dip as we say around here.
"Instead of feeling loved and embraced by people we love, we feel totally abandoned by everyone we thought cared."
THOUGHT is the key word there. Just because you love them, doesn't mean they will too or show it the same way you do. We are having a small ceremony because that's how many people we know actually care about us. Only 5 of those people are actual family and the rest are friends that have become family over years and years. Why waste thousands of dollars to feed and entertain a bunch of people we never see or even talk to? I hear stuff like this all the time "oh but it's family" So? People say I'm mean or cold but you know what, I have no drama most of the time and I'm generally pretty happy. That's because I cut all the negative people out of my life. You can have fun and be happy not being friends with every person you see. You just end up killing yourself trying to please everyone and be liked by them. Less is truly more. There's no need to hold on to people that get mad at you over stupid things family or not.
The "evening out" sounds like it is possibly etiquette-okay (and possibly not, depending on how you word it and how wedding-related you've made it) but I wanted to comment on the bolded because it makes it sound like you don't respect your friends - they might dare to think you're rude when you do something rude.